OK, Aunt Alex apologizes. She knows there are a few folks who got awfully excited when they read that, and I have no intention of telling you how to make a narcissist want you (which is impossible anyway, because he can’t “want” anyone in a meaningful way). But we are going to talk about that feeling — the feeling of wanting a narcissist to want you.
It sucks. End of chapter.
OK, Aunt Alex apologizes again. I’m in a bit of a snarky mood from spending time on the front lines. Here’s what I want to say: That craving, that thinking of him and WORKING to make things good with him, is exactly what he wants. He wants you to try, to give, to do and to obsess about him, all about him. Your wanting to be with him, and your wanting him to want you. When you’re in this mode, you’re likely to be giving him the attention he so desperately needs. You’re likely to be easy for him to manipulate.
The narcissist anthem, if there ever was one:
He wants you to want him, and has zero intention — or capacity — for ever meaningfully wanting you back. Ever. In his whole life. Any more than a Mack truck can float like a swan. That whole idealization phase from the beginning, that was so deliciously hopeful and loving? It’s not coming back, except for in little bursts when he wants something from you. This hurts, it sucks, but we have to work with it because it’s real and it’s true.
I had lunch once with friends, and in attendance was a gal who was vividly, robustly of the Histrionic Personality Disorder variety. While chattering endlessly about herself, she kept checking her phone for texts about every two minutes. She said she was waiting to hear from this guy Rick. “Why don’t you call him?”, another person said. “No,” she brushed the suggestion off and shook her head. “He already texted a couple of times looking for me, and I’m just seeing if he did again.”
Yep. This gal had no intention of giving back to Rick the love and attention he was showing her, but she was always looking for more from him. That poor guy was probably pretty anxious to hear from her, but she had nothing to say to him — and only wanted him to want her. And to text, call and write to her.
Forget about the narcissist ever wanting you, because he can’t. Not the way normal people mean when they say it; not with depth and consistency and meaning. And here’s the clincher: He can never want anyone else with depth either. Ever. No matter how a “relationship” looks, or what anyone says, or how wonderful the new person is. Doesn’t matter if it’s Penelope Cruz, no one with whom he ever, ever has a “relationship” will be wanted by him in a meaningful way. Not because you’re not worth it, but because he’s damaged goods.
He’s damaged goods. You’re worth real love and desire from a guy. See the disconnect there?