How to Make a Narcissist Want You

OK, Aunt Alex apologizes. She knows there are a few folks who got awfully excited when they read that, and I have no intention of telling you how to make a narcissist want you (which is impossible anyway, because he can’t “want” anyone in a meaningful way). But we are going to talk about that feeling — the feeling of wanting a narcissist to want you.

It sucks. End of chapter.

OK, Aunt Alex apologizes again. I’m in a bit of a snarky mood from spending time on the front lines. Here’s what I want to say: That craving, that thinking of him and WORKING to make things good with him, is exactly what he wants. He wants you to try, to give, to do and to obsess about him, all about him. Your wanting to be with him, and your wanting him to want you. When you’re in this mode, you’re likely to be giving him the attention he so desperately needs. You’re likely to be easy for him to manipulate.

The narcissist anthem, if there ever was one:

He wants you to want him, and has zero intention — or capacity — for ever meaningfully wanting you back. Ever. In his whole life. Any more than a Mack truck can float like a swan. That whole idealization phase from the beginning, that was so deliciously hopeful and loving? It’s not coming back, except for in little bursts when he wants something from you. This hurts, it sucks, but we have to work with it because it’s real and it’s true.

I had lunch once with friends, and in attendance was a gal who was vividly, robustly of the Histrionic Personality Disorder variety. While chattering endlessly about herself, she kept checking her phone for texts about every two minutes. She said she was waiting to hear from this guy Rick. “Why don’t you call him?”, another person said. “No,” she brushed the suggestion off and shook her head. “He already texted a couple of times looking for me, and I’m just seeing if he did again.”

Yep. This gal had no intention of giving back to Rick the love and attention he was showing her, but she was always looking for more from him. That poor guy was probably pretty anxious to hear from her, but she had nothing to say to him — and only wanted him to want her. And to text, call and write to her.

Forget about the narcissist ever wanting you, because he can’t. Not the way normal people mean when they say it; not with depth and consistency and meaning. And here’s the clincher: He can never want anyone else with depth either. Ever. No matter how a “relationship” looks, or what anyone says, or how wonderful the new person is. Doesn’t matter if it’s Penelope Cruz, no one with whom he ever, ever has a “relationship” will be wanted by him in a meaningful way. Not because you’re not worth it, but because he’s damaged goods.

He’s damaged goods. You’re worth real love and desire from a guy. See the disconnect there?


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19 Responses to How to Make a Narcissist Want You

  1. Barbara

    Alex – Dead on again! Does this explain why something seems missing sexually from them? Why we wonder if they’re gay sometimes? Why they can’t relate in a loving way with someone that is “real” and actually cares about them? I’d like to hear your thoughts (and others) on that!

    • rowena

      omg i use to think my ex n was gay as he was never that intrested in intamcy or sex i found it very strange we were together for 12 years he eventually d and me its only been just over 5 months he just tossed me aside like a peice of garbage he has found a new supply iam always thinking he will be treating her better than me but he also has a massive gambling problem so its not just the n traits its the compulsive gambling aswell i felt i was used for years to feed his addiction its not till you step out of the relainship that you realize something wasnt right i discoverd this personality disorder and now know hes an n the part that hurts the most is them having no empathy or concience of how they just devalue and discard you like you meant nothing i find it so hard to understand and iam still hurting

    • MyTimeIsNow

      OMG! This is just too scary and uncanny. I often wondered the same thing with my narc. I looked on his phone once and it was from a guy that we knew mutually. The guy kept texting and calling him (it was late at night and he had turned his phone off). I just found it quite odd – men typically don’t “blow up” other men’s phones! He is also very protective of this particular guy – doing things for him that he never would do for me such as change my tire, take me to work, go out, etc. So I could never shake that feeling that he was indeed “bi” but no real proof.

      In terms of the sex, I enjoyed it to an extent but the more that I read on the various types, he definitely uses sex to “hook” you but because of his perversions, it takes alot for him to “release” to put it mildly. Although he did satisfy me to a degree, it was all about him and he kept trying to push the boundaries. Not to be too graphic, he liked “anal” which I don’t like but he LOVED it (another red flag concerning the bi suspicion).

      He also kept trying to get me to participate in lesbian threesomes! I was adamant against it but he would often ask me what type of woman I liked, what my bi fantasies were (never told him that I had any). He even offered for us to go out and that he would let me “cho0se” the woman that I liked! Eventually, he stopped but it left me feeling funny. He was also very much into porn/daily self-gratification.

      After we had sex, he would immediately get up, get dressed, and give me a hug/kiss as he was leaving out the door. Towards the end, he wouldn’t even call me the next day. I was left feeling like a prostitute and even told him that one day.

      Overall, I really saw the “illness” in him the more that I read up on this. Since him, I just haven’t been the same. The thought of a man touching me is a turn off. I just feel dirty and numb to any intimacy.

  2. I can see clearly now....

    What I found sexually from my N husband of 15 years is that he wouldn’t seem to allow me the pleasure of satisfying him in the ways that I wanted. I wanted to give myself freely and regularly to him, but he would temper that, as if to save me the trouble. It left me with a lot of mixed feelings. I now believe that it was his inability to connect with me on a deeper level and his need for it to always look like he was the “giving” partner (to fit his Nice Guy image). Anyone else with similar experience?

  3. Roxy

    Wow! Exactly! Mine is also a sex addict. And yes I did sometimes wonder if he was possibly bisexual.Didn’t think gay, but yes always felt something is amiss here.We had a great sex life, but still constant cheating, hookups with total strangers, online sex, tons of porn.It was non stop.And didn’t/doesn’t matter with who.He even cheated on me with a woman 40 years OLDER than he, and told her too how much he loved her. Devastating. I’m doing my best to keep away.Some days I am so so down.He still calls or texts wanting sex, even though he is with yet another woman.And I’m sure contacting and/or having sex with Lord only knows how many others.So many years of my life I invested in him. Reading things like this helps me to stay strong and not get sucked back in. It’s been one hell of a road.My entire life has been obliterated.Since he accomplished that I’ve been reduced to less than garbage in his eyes, but still he’s gotta try for the sex fix, and to keep me on the hook. You are correct what you speak here.But you are far too kind.(which I have been accused of myself).I speak to him as though he were human. Like what am I thinking, that if I treat him as human, he’ll behave like one? Yup he initially was PrinceCharming. For 6plus years I waited for that Prince to return.And yup got the little glimpses of that.Just enough here and there to keep me hoping. My God I absolutely adored him! Still do,in a way.Ya know? But I can’t deal with it anymore. It’s just not my job to teach someone how to be human, how to behave in the world.And quite honestly these people (toad asses) are not teachable.Afterall,what’s there to teach to someone who’s already perfect? They can’t relate in a loving way to someone who loves them because they pretty much hate you for loving them.It’s weird.And hurtful.He twists anything and everything into such a deranged freakish nightmare.No one could possibly make sense of any of it. But people sure do believe his lies. It’s uncanny.His ability to charm and persuade. And even when you know he’s lieing, you believe. It’s mindblowing. I wish they could be locked up, or made to wear a sign, “I am abusive, I destroy people.” Although he’d no doubt enjoy the attention of that! I have read that they don’t particularly like sex, they just use it as a means of control. But like I said mine is a sex addict, which puts a whole other ugly spin on it.

  4. Rita

    Former wife and gf’s of my man have told me that he is a N. But then they seem to think that he really loves me because he keeps talking about me all the time. He told me that he has changed. Even some male friends have said the same that he has settled. I don’t want to buy into any of that Narcissim stuff, because we are all damaged goods and do things at times that are more or less manipulative. I have to come clear with this whole thing as we want to get married soon.
    So maybe he is a N or maybe he is not. Maybe he was one or maybe he has changed. He still woos me after one and half years. Sometimes he is loving and sometimes he does not ring me back for 3 hrs. at a stretch when he is at work. I don’t know if it is selfish, or if he is with another woman or if he is too busy to ring back. Sometimes he comes with that special spark in his eyes and does not keep his hands off of me.
    I don’t know. I am still me, even though I am doing alot for him to keep his business alive. What do we know until we are truly hurt?

  5. Ann

    Mine was all over me all the time. With a job, two small children and having to do everything in and round the house, I couldn’t keep it up so I declined now and then. He got so mad about this, saying he wasn’t going to let anyone call him abnormal (which I never did) and would not touch me unless I asked for it. I was relieved then but now see he was punishing me. It left me feeling guilty for not asking. He kept it up for 20 years. He’s now kicked to the curb.

  6. Ann

    O gosh, it just hit me! He was feeling great because I had to ask him for a “favour”. Jeeeeezzzz…

  7. Dont waste your time on a man that is a N you will be left with an emptiness
    in your heart that surpasses all understanding N s are monsters and masters of manipulation If you are in a relationship with one its best to cut all ties and pray he finds another victim to use and abuse

    • Michelle’s advice is spot on. I supported, encouraged, comforted my narcissist for fifteen and a half years. I was, in his words, his only friend in the world. In February my eldest daughter suddenly died. My narcissist gave me no comfort at all and was away having sex with another woman every weekend and one or two nights a week but coming up with amazing excuses for not coming home. Can you imagine how I felt – a double whammy of grief and disbelief. I was totally gutted by the lack of support. I caught him in the act and threw him out and his response was that my reaction was “extreme”. No apologies at all. It has made my grief for my daughter even harder to bear and I have to deal with all the hurt and the realisation that I have loved a phantom for fifteen years. He will try to make his way back if the current source runs out. I feel really sorry for the new woman as she will only be one of many (at the same time) but will be totally charmed by him and fall for his pathetic tales of woe.

      • Aunt Alex

        I’m so sorry about your daughter. Leave it to a toad to take the worst pain imaginable, and make it even worse. {{ hugs }}

  8. donna

    I thank God for this website. I had been in a relationship with an N for 5 years. A month ago, I finally got up the “courage” and changed my number so hed get lost. He did. And moved on to “several” women who all do crack cocaine. (He had addictions, starting with the alcohol, moving to the pot, then last summer he started back on the crack) He was clean and sober when i met him, as he just got out of jail after 8 years for murder. Yes, I hooked up with him, as I just got out of psychosis, from obsessing about another man who did not want me, and I thought I could find no better. He was very charming the first few months, sending me cards from out of town where he worked, buying me gifts, told me he loved me. He does not text nor call me now, and I am left feeling angry that I believe he never loved me ever. I feel I totally wasted 5 years hoping hed change, and putting up with his abuse and severe anger. Always tailgating people on the road, trying to intimidate and scare people. He is a monster. So is his mother a narcisist. Im glad to be out, but wish Id left a heck of alot sooner. It was a waste of my time and energy. I love this blog. It really helps me.

  9. Sandy

    I learned about what a narcissist is one day a while back when I googled, “why doesnt my man ever initiate sex and why would my partner rather jack off than be with me and why does he say he misses me and say he is trying his best to get done at work to come home to me but his actions speak louder than his words”. I am really wanting to let him go and move on since i havent been kissed, missed or made passionate love to in almost 6 years. I’m stomping myself still and dont understand why I’m putting myself through the bs when I know I’m the only one who’s ever gonna care about our relationship. I feel like I’m doing nothing but abusing both of us. Him with my hurtful words, and myself by trying to make someone love me who doesn’t even know what love is. I have left several times, hoping for any attention i can get out of him, and I always go back to him anyway knowing it ain’t about me. He even told me that and that I need to get over it and deal with it. I’ve never had a healthy relationship but he was the closest thing I THOUGHT i had to one.

  10. Dante's Theory

    I am so happy I found this site! Reading the other comments has lifted a serious worry from my mind which was: Am I crazy? Here’s an account of my “run-in” and by that I really mean “freight train that slammed through my life”.
    Last year, at this time, I was in a dual-diagnosis program for military related PTSD and substance abuse. My wife and I were going through a very hard time as my drinking had become a major problem. The PTSD coupled with my bi-polar disorder and problematic drinking was taking its toll.
    I met “B” the first day there and was instantly taken by her intelligence, charm and beauty. She was exotic, intriguing, a veteran, spoke fluent Polish (as she immigrated) and to top it all off she said she was a writer as she tossed me a thick hardcover book that had her provocatively in uniform on the front and the description read “the fictionalized memoirs of a veteran whore”. I was hooked (I won’t lie, I have a thing for bad girls. Thank god, I married a good girl.)
    The thing they don’t tell you about rehab is that you go a ‘lil effing crazy while you are detoxing. Couple that with all the damn meds a person is on anyway to combat the symptoms of PTSD and someone might not be as strong mentally or emotionally to make logical decisions. I didn’t. Long story short I got involved. My wife found out and my narc was there to “rescue me” I ended up living with her out of state in what can only be described as a clean crack hovel. She was “supportive” and “helpful” when it came to dealing with my spouse. I found out later she was just emotionally torturing her. She was really supportive in spending my money on drugs and alcohol. Excellent at keeping me off balance mentally and emotionally. She beat the crap out of me two months after everything went down and then dumped me on my birthday (and left me stranded out of state) just to come back saying she did it cause she felt she was in danger from my “crazy” ex. Three weeks later she threw me out after my money was gone. Then told the local police she was threatened by me. We were only together 3 months but in that time my mental state deteriorated. My health took a turn for the worse and I am thankful my money ran out before I ended up dead. She was scary, reckless with my life and hers. Did I mention that she set up a “date” with one of her old clients for both of us because she was out of money? Thankfully, she threw me out before that happened. Sexually, she was giving but unreceptive to allowing any reciprocation from me. Giving me about thirty seconds to try and work magic before she moved me out of the way, adjusted my hand to where she wanted it and then told me to just stay there while she did the rest. She blamed it on her stint as a escort. It didn’t occur to me that it was a part of what she is. I’m not proud of what I did and I’m glad my wife is practical and sane. We have worked things out and we are better than before. As for B, I heard that she has decided to make a self-documentary. So far, that makes one self-published book about herself (a real jaw grinder with no perceivable plot except about her – read it if you really want to see how a narc perceives themselves and what lengths they go to maintain their delusions). Right before I got away I had to sit through reading an even worse script based on her book and now she is planning some spiritual awakening, self discovery documentary about finding a reason to live and by extension helping others find one too…feel free to vom or laugh at the idea of a narc giving others a reason to live.
    Personally, I think any film made by a narcissist should either be used as a community service message to stay away or should be placed squarely in its most accurate genre: horror.

  11. Marilyn

    When I first fell in love with my ex narcissist I was euphoric. I could not believe that someone could make me feel like he made me feel. For weeks I was as happy as anything then the devalue started and eventually the discard. Even our sex life was a joke. He would text me and tell me that he was pleasuring himself because I was in his thoughts. So I would text right back and tell him to come to my home and spend the night with me only to be told he preferred jacking off. That finished it for me. I am strong and have gone no contact despite repeated texts, emails, phone calls. I will never allow myself to be treated so disrespectful ever again and certainly not by some sad, mentally ill control freak. Love to all Marilyn x

  12. Chris

    Im a 36 year old male and had 12 years of relationship experience prior to meeting a female narc, I was in a relationship with her for 18 months. I was at a time in my life when I was really making an effort to find a suitable mate and have a family with. She was highly attractive and commanded a certain authority which balanced my empathic temperament.
    It all fell into place too easily for the first 6 weeks, but as time went on certain things arose and just didn’t make sense! emotionally, logically, ethically & morally. The mask started to slip so to speak. I am quite intuitive and have worked on myself intermittently for over 10 years. Anytime a relationship of mine would end I had to make sure I got “my stuff” handled so it wouldn’t happen again. To an empath there is no greater motivator than learning from emotional pain.
    General day to day conversations and interactions were fine, nothing out of the norm. Sex was routine like every 4 weeks but there was no affection in between interludes which kinda drove me crazy, alarm bells were ringing. We spoke about it but she was kind of dismissive. Having sex 15 times in a year was completely the opposite of how strong she seduced me into thinking she was into me. I knew it was the honeymoon period but something innate was wrong. Every once in a while she would devalue me, I just didn’t understand why my partner whom I though respected me and communicated this daily to me would act like this.
    I did what I usually did, reflected and started asking questions. We spoke at length about the issues over and over, her silence was quite noticeable. This is when the silent treatment became more apparent. She knew I was onto something. To everyone else we looked like a power couple but inside I was losing my self confidence and self worth day by day. I came to the realization that I could have this interaction with her and not be in a relationship with her, after all, what made is more than a friendship? Nothing.
    It didn’t matter how hard I tried to accommodate her and probably went overboard in hindsight, but it didn’t matter because I was already losing myself in the devaluation process.
    After it was all over, said and done she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore. This shattered me to the core. My business suffered, I got hooked into drugs to fill the void created by what was siphoned from me.
    I stumbled across something to do with NPD and little clues began to surface. A few weeks later something clicked in my head and it all started pouring out, I was beginning to see the pieces reflect my fragmented relationship. Months of reading and reflecting on specific incidences that had occurred between us I now knew I was the victim of a narc. I see it like the matrix, coded in its entirety. This was the only sibilance I had to build from. The highs and lows of the anger created by now knowing shook me to the core and marred my motivation that I was not replaceable.
    Time made me realize that part of the narc scar is always there under the surface where you once let them roam freely, it comes in waves from time to time because the heart doesn’t understand what the mind now knows.

  13. A different Marilyn

    It took me a long time to put together all the little bits and pieces of NPD which allows me to share something with you which may help someone. I’m convinced that N’s are afraid of love… afraid because, to them, love means hurt. They may be capable of loving but if they find themselves getting close to feeling deeply “taking down the wall” as my N said once…they pull away and probably start looking for a new source… someone they can start a new game with. He made me aware early on that his own mother had never shown him love. He had not seen her in thirty years and had no intention of ever seeing her again. She had spent all of N’s childhood grieving her own younger brother who had died within a year or two after birth to the point that she ignored his needs totally. Something pretty weird about that too. Now that I look back, I think what he evoked in me was a maternal instinct. When he told me about his mother not loving him, I opened my arms and he crawled inside them like a little boy. I held him like that for maybe an hour and I had never felt so close to a man in my life. Maybe women mistake maternal instinct and romantic love often. Thanks for listening.

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