alexandra nouri

OK, Aunt Alex apologizes. She knows there are a few folks who got awfully excited when they read that, and I have no intention of telling you how to make a narcissist want you (which is impossible anyway, because he can’t “want” anyone in a meaningful way). But we are going to talk about that feeling — the feeling of wanting a narcissist to want you.

It sucks. End of chapter.

OK, Aunt Alex apologizes again. I’m in a bit of a snarky mood from spending time on the front lines. Here’s what I want to say: That craving, that thinking of him and WORKING to make things good with him, is exactly what he wants. He wants you to try, to give, to do and to obsess about him, all about him. Your wanting to be with him, and your wanting him to want you. When you’re in this mode, you’re likely to be giving him the attention he so desperately needs. You’re likely to be easy for him to manipulate.

The narcissist anthem, if there ever was one:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZp9IXUlJYI]

He wants you to want him, and has zero intention — or capacity — for ever meaningfully wanting you back. Ever. In his whole life. Any more than a Mack truck can float like a swan. That whole idealization phase from the beginning, that was so deliciously hopeful and loving? It’s not coming back, except for in little bursts when he wants something from you. This hurts, it sucks, but we have to work with it because it’s real and it’s true.

I had lunch once with friends, and in attendance was a gal who was vividly, robustly of the Histrionic Personality Disorder variety. While chattering endlessly about herself, she kept checking her phone for texts about every two minutes. She said she was waiting to hear from this guy Rick. “Why don’t you call him?”, another person said. “No,” she brushed the suggestion off and shook her head. “He already texted a couple of times looking for me, and I’m just seeing if he did again.”

Yep. This gal had no intention of giving back to Rick the love and attention he was showing her, but she was always looking for more from him. That poor guy was probably pretty anxious to hear from her, but she had nothing to say to him — and only wanted him to want her. And to text, call and write to her.

Forget about the narcissist ever wanting you, because he can’t. Not the way normal people mean when they say it; not with depth and consistency and meaning. And here’s the clincher: He can never want anyone else with depth either. Ever. No matter how a “relationship” looks, or what anyone says, or how wonderful the new person is. Doesn’t matter if it’s Penelope Cruz, no one with whom he ever, ever has a “relationship” will be wanted by him in a meaningful way. Not because you’re not worth it, but because he’s damaged goods.

He’s damaged goods. You’re worth real love and desire from a guy. See the disconnect there?

It can seem like narcissists are everywhere and there’s a critical infestation of them in modern society. It can seem that way for two reasons — one, some of us seem to suck them toward us like moths to light, and so we can end up surrounded by them with only a few good people mixed in. And two, narcissists end up in the news more frequently than good people, and so it seems like they’re in every important office, story, and crisis in the world. And that’s a lot of narcissists.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I recognize that there are way, WAY too many narcissists in the world. But maybe not as many as it seems, since they do tend to be represented disproportionately in the news. Why is this? Glad you asked. This is because narcissists SCREW UP, they GET CAUGHT, and they’re SO RIDICULOUS THAT THE MEDIA SHOWCASES THEM BECAUSE IT’S FUN TO WATCH THE ABSURD SELF-DESTRUCTION.

We’re not going to name names here, at least not in my soapbox part — you guys can go wild in the comments if you like. But whether it’s a politician who embezzles money and molests the receptionist because he thinks he can get away with it, or the real estate amateur who buys properties by lying on the mortgage applications, and defaults on the mortgages and says “no one was hurt, so it’s OK”; or the scammer, the abuser, the shooter or the fallen clergyman who is found to be neck-deep in the very same crimes he’d rail against on the pulpit — all in the news, all creeps, and all basking us in their narcissistic glory. Drunk driving arrests for the narcissistic General can be rampant, while he talks publicly about how law-abiding he is. As Governor, the narcissist will genuflect himself and his ideas about how he’ll perform miracles of social conscience, while taking bribes and lying on his taxes and not doing a thing for the people. The assclown star athlete sexually assaults his fans, because he thinks he can get away with it. The certain actor picks fights, has tantrums, and starts ruckuses that get him arrested, because he’s a narcissist behaving like a spoiled brat. Sometimes the news can look like a Parade of Narcissistic Idiots — and sometimes it IS a Parade of Narcissistic Idiots.

There may be lots of narcissists around, and some of them may be popular to the masses, but that is NOT a justification for being with one. It’s not cool to get entangled with them because they seem like the “new normal”, or because you’re pretty sure you can tame and help and change this one because he’s not so glaring in his traits as some others you’ve heard about. Hone your detection skills, Friends, get good at recognizing and avoiding, and try not to be standing next to one of them when he finds his butt on the evening news.

OK, Friends, Aunt Alex has your back once again.

Now, is it or is it not the case that one of the more frustrating parts of dealing with narcissists is their complete and utter unreliability? Between their compulsive lying and their eagerness to shower the world (particularly your world) with their passive aggression, you can never count on these guys for anything — a promise, a task, plans for the evening, even a fair transaction. Well, Aunt Alex has the answer. You can get these things done, AND keep your narcissist!

See, the problem has been that you’re trying to work with JUST ONE GUY. There’s only so much one single emotionally crippled idiot can do. Are you following me, here? Yes — what you need is MORE NARCISSISTS. Say, about eight.

It’s brilliant. If you gather yourself about eight narcissists in your life, at any given time about four of them will be in jackass mode — either generally ignoring you and off flirting, or being enraged about something. Three will be in idiot mode, and will be completely misinterpreting everything out of your mouth, or “forgetting”, or “changing their mind”. And if you’re a math wizard like Aunt Alex, you’ll see that this leaves one of the eight who will be in “you” mode — sucking you in, grubbing for attention and praise and admiration. In other words, out of the eight, one will be available at any given moment for your needs.

So, the answer is to accumulate as many narcissists as possible into your life. When one lets you down at the moment, move down to the next one on your list. When they “break up” with you there’s no need to cross them off, because they’ll be back scrounging, lying and being an embarrassment soon enough; just skip over them. Eventually you’ll find one that will want to be your man of the hour, provided he thinks he’ll get tenfold in return.

What are you doing still sitting there? Go on out there and rustle up some more narcissists! Shoot for eight; more is better. To the cynical readers out there, I know what you’re thinking: You think Aunt Alex is just urging you to do this so you’ll keep even more narcissists occupied and help distract them away from the rest of us. Well, NO! I’m hurt! That’s not what this is about!

OK, yes it is. Thanks in advance.

“Honk if you’re a Narcissist.

Then Drive into a Tree.”

What are some on-topic bumper stickers you’d like to see??