Sitting on the doorknob, acting like he owns the place, waiting for someone to come along and let him in. Isn’t that just like a toad?
(I’m not making this up. There was a toad on Aunt Alex’s doorknob. I took him and gently put him down in the garden. I didn’t do what I want you to do when a toad shows up at your door, Friends, which is call the cops and ask for a restraining order.)
(Actually, it’s a frog. But Aunt Alex is exercising her blog-given right to be a drama queen.)
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So, Aunt Alex was with a narcissistic old flame the other day, making out with him in the back seat of a flames-embellished, spoiler-bedecked Hyundai, when….
Hm. Got your attention there, didn’t I.
And now, let’s leap right to the point here: Life is complex, feelings are complex, and relationships are complex, but when it comes to narcissists, simple is your friend. Bare-bones, reduced-to-the-elements points are your friends. Straight-talk is your friend.
I’ll bet dimes to doughnuts that you’ve bought into the BS of a narcissist before. You’ve done this not because you’re dumb, or weak, but because you’re emotionally generous. You give the benefit of the doubt. You allow for some wiggle-room. But, boy, would the straight talk ever sound different:
Wiggle-room: “I’ll just hear him out and see what he has to say.”
Reality: “I’ll just give him MORE attention and give myself MORE hope, when the truth is I’ll only end up hurt and depressed.”
Wiggle-room: “It’s OK if we spend a little time together. I won’t let things go too far.”
Reality: “Things absolutely will go too far, because he’s a scammer and a liar, but I won’t see it coming until it’s too late.”
Wiggle-room: “I’m a kind person and I believe in people who want to change.”
Reality: “I want him to change, and want to help him change, but he hasn’t yet, is all talk now, and isn’t putting up an ounce of effort other than the blathering about it.”
Wiggle-room: “We were only talking. We missed each other.”
Reality: “We were making out in his car, while his fiancee waited for him to come and pick her and their new baby up at the hospital.”
See how that works?
It’s the narcissist who is damaged goods, and he can plow a path of emotional sewage and destruction without any help from the rest of us. When we give a narcissist so much as a micron of wiggle-room, you can bet your doughnuts he’ll use it to shove through your personal boundaries and wreak further havoc on your life. Second chances, second-guessing, letting his abuses go, forgiving and forgetting — none of these approaches have a role in dealing with a narcissist. It’s like adopting a rabid dog who’s already bitten you and your family members multiple times, because you think he might be OK now. It’s just not a safe, or likely, or worthwhile bet.
Narcissists are liars and phonies who will never change, ever; not soon, not later, not a lot or a little. Cut your losses, and you’ll be glad you listened to your own straight-talk.
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1. Peaceful, nourishing, enjoyable celebrations are so BORING, and thoughtful gifts are SO overrated. Give me disappointment and disillusionment ANY day.
2. His whining about not getting the gift, attention, treats, dinner, or EXACT expression of appreciation he wanted, will make any cranky children look like angelic, mature, serene and wise sophisticates in comparison.
3. Usually they don’t even bother showing up, or calling, or following through on any plans. This means you get his serving of dessert.
4. Having a narcissist in the room means he’ll be desperately sucking ALL the attention his way. NO ONE will notice if the tree is crooked or the turkey is dry.
5. Take him to the office Holiday party, and all the old workplace interpersonal tensions will be forgotten. Your colleagues will be too busy feeling sorry for you for having such a jackass in your life.
6. His laying in the Barca Lounger like a hairy, farting manatee all day means he’ll have LOTS of energy for the three minutes of intimacy he’s got in store for you tonight! Rawr!
7. You didn’t really want help with those decorations anyway. After all, you just have to take them down again in January.
8. Kids LOVE playing the “Guess How Many Half-Siblings We Have That Mommy Doesn’t Know About” game. It’s a narcissist family favorite.
9. Knowing perfectly well he’s going to passive-aggressively ruin your day, you can spend HOURS and HOURS mapping out a reverse-psychology, pre-emptive, out-do-the-narcissist manipulation strategy. Yes, it will consume all your energy and free time, and will fail anyway, but it’ll be SO worth it.
10. And finally, the answers are, “Yes.” Yes, he did pick out that lingerie for you while thinking mostly about how it will look on him. And yes, he did unwrap the store package and try it on before rewrapping it and giving it to you. Enjoy.
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1. My cat, who STILL hasn’t been caught trying on my underwear.
2. Mace.
3. The Showtime TV series “Dexter”, a heartwarming show where the (admittedly, disordered himself) lead character secretly hunts and kills narcissistic murderers. It’s so touching. *sniff*
4. Every woman who stays with her toady narcissist, which keeps him away from the rest of us.
5. Caller-ID. REALLY cuts into the stalking effectiveness of toads.
6. People who step up and say something, when they think there’s something off about the date or partner of their friends or family. They usually get ignored or even shunned, but they speak up anyway, and don’t just play along. They’re the unsung heroes.
7. Wine, Mother Nature’s lie detector. (Ever watched a drunk narcissist try to keep his lies straight? PA-THE-TIC.)
8. The Internet. Yeah, there’s a lot of crap, and even some dangerously misleading crap, but never before have so many been able to share so much richness with those who want to listen.
9. Nutella. Have you ever tried that stuff? My Lord.
10. And of course Auntie Alex is grateful for you, Dear. The Army’s got your back. Shake off that toad and the nonsense he forced into your head, and you’ll achieve magical and amazing things.
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Hello, Friends. Aunt Alex is back from some more time at the front lines. And may I say you’re all looking very strong and radiant today?
There are some very happening things out there, but what I want to share today is some profound wisdom stolen from Twitter:
“Rhinos are just fat unicorns. If we’d give them the time and attention they deserve, as well as a diet: They’d reveal their majestic ways.”
Hallelujan! Someone else noticed the beauty and potential of our friends the rhinos, if only they had a little cleaning up, a little nurturing, and a lot of real, wholesome love!
So, this is for all of you who are investing time and love in a narcissist, knowing he will change. (And Aunt Alex hopes there are a very many of you, because, as you know, if you’re distracting him then that helps keep him away from the rest of us.) I’d like all of you to go out and get yourself a rhino, and bring him home. No, I don’t care where you get the rhino. No, I have no suggestions on how to get him into your trunk to take him home. But once you get that rhino-soon-to-be-unicorn to your place, clean him up, tolerate his toilet habits, social difficulties and utter inability to learn ANYTHING, and love love love him, and you can bet your sweet life he’ll turn into a unicorn.
Note: Yes, it’s a bet you’ll lose. But it’s a whole lot easier on your psyche than trying to do the same exact thing with a narcissist. And the rhino-soon-to-be-unicorn is a whole lot smarter, a better parent and partner, and makes more sense when he talks.
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It’s private, it’s protected, and it’s to help us make deep and meaningful steps forward, because we’ll be addressing the cravings. Those cravings are primal and they come from the parents, because the first cut is the deepest.
Meant to supplement, not replace, any forums or supports you’re currently using.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aunt_alexs_army/
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10. After I feed it goodies, my cat curls up in my lap and purrs instead of going over to the neighbor’s house to ask HER for goodies.
9. My cat brings me gifts that he truly thinks I’ll enjoy, just because he loves me. Yes, I prefer his dead mole to a narcissist’s bottle of perfume that he got at the Dollar Store.
8. My cat might ignore me sometimes, but he doesn’t ignore me and then say he didn’t.
7. When he wants to stay out all night, my cat never tells me it’s my fault for being too needy.
6. I’ve never caught my cat flirting with someone and saying he doesn’t already have an owner with whom he lives.
5. A narcissist will tell you the relationship is on the rocks if he’s feeling a little bored. My cat just takes a nap.
4. Cats actually bond with people, their kittens, each other, and other species. My cat’s never faked an emotion a day in his life.
3. Ever seen a cat make an ass of himself by trying to talk about your feelings and why those feelings are wrong? Nope. Me either.
2. My cat hisses when he’s mad, instead of carrying on like an insane berserker on crack who makes about a much sense as a mumbling wombat.
And the Number One reason why my cat is better than a narcissist:
1. I’m SURE my cat has never, EVER tried on my underwear.
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Just an updated shout-out to the Friends who left reviews over at Amazon. Reviews help readers make a choice. The comments posted there, they rock, and Case, Melanie, Annie, Avenging, Caroline, Abbey, so do you. It’s not easy, putting yourself out there like that and expressing a strong, positive public opinion about a snarky book. Amazonian Commenters, if you want to email me your snailmail address, I’ll have the elves at the Distribution Cottage (love those elves) send you a paperback copy of “So. You’re in Love With a Narcissist.” The paperback has two typos (what the elves might lack in perfection, they more than make up for in their coolness factor). Those typos, they’re no extra charge.
alexandranouri@gmail.com
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Reader Alert: Not for young eyes or those of tender constitution. Proceed with caution.
First, I hope you giggled a little at that title, because if there’s anything a toad ISN’T, it’s a great lover. Don’t get me wrong, some of them have acceptable technique. But even that is part of their disorder — if you look closely at any very good technique they have or anything you like, whether it’s their kiss, their pace, or a certain touch, they probably learned it from you. They’re either mimicking you, or are repeating — over and over — what they think you like. They have no personal style that’s partner-oriented. Creepy deviance is likely; pleasant creativity is unheard of. Sex on the fly is likely; true intimacy is starkly lacking. He’ll accuse you of being frigid or not liking sex, when the truth of the matter is you just don’t want his sweaty manatee fatness grunting on you. He’ll pleasure himself on your body while you’re trying to sleep, and act like he’s just anointed you with the nectar of the Greek Gods. And you should thank him for annoying you, using you, and getting you all gross before sleeping.
Face it. Narcissists suck in bed.
People like sex. This is because sex is really, really awesome. Toads with personality disorders, however, are not really, really awesome, and they tend to have one of two approaches to sex.
(1) “I have an erection! Let’s have a parade!”
Yeah. He has an erection. This is supposed to be as fascinating for you as it is for him. You’re supposed to experience his erection as he does when he has it, and get all hot, aroused and freaky right at that moment, and magically know how to thrill him sexually. Forget about YOU being satisfied sexually, or when YOU are aroused and want to spend time with him; you’re supposed to be fulfilled by helping him to achieve orgasm, and every sexual encounter together should be a greatest hit. If you don’t have a great time, it’s because there’s something wrong with you, not because he’s a selfish lover. The beginning of the sexual experience is defined by his erection, and the end by his orgasm. Then he’ll pat you on the butt and roll over and go to sleep. This, my friends, is not love-making. It’s masturbation using another person as a sex toy.
(2) “I am Tarzan! Lord of the jungle! No, wait, I am Pre-Transgender-Woman, hear me ROAR! No, wait, I’m a MAN, but, gay and PROUD! Wait, what’s a transvestite — and is “bi” still available?”
I have never seen anything so pathetic and hopeless as the sexually confused narcissist. And I assure you most vigorously, they’re as common as fleas on a hound dog. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a narcissist who was both secure and comfortable in his sexuality. They want EVERYONE to love them and want them, so, actually, nothing and no one is off the table (so to speak) when it comes to potential sex partners. And their identity in ALL departments is so flimsy and malleable, including their sexual identity, that they don’t really have a firmly established gender identity or sexual alignment. They want attention and adoration from anything that moves, and if sex is a way to get it, so be it. They’re the ultimate slut — they’ll truly hump anything.
For both of those two types, though, be sure that when a narcissist has sex, he thinks he’s a Greek God at it. It’s healthy for people to feel sexy and confident and comfortable during sex, but that’s not what’s going on with him. No, he’s PERFORMING. To HIMSELF. He’s the guy who mirrors over the bed were made for, so he can watch himself — not the two of you having a loving, intimate time, but himself, being a golden Greek God. And like with anything else, the truth of the matter is he sucks at it. So to speak. Sex isn’t a bonding behavior for him, with shared passion and afterglow and tender endearments, it’s a release and a GREAT way to be passive-aggressive. To withhold, to let you down, to begrudge and to abuse.
He’ll pretend he loves and get your response, your love, and get you to give yourself over to him, and then devalue and discard just like he does with everything else. Narcissists make their lovers feel needy, because their lovers do all the giving and get so very little in return — and the resulting emotional deficit is VERY uncomfortable.
Doesn’t matter if he’s good-looking, has beautiful eyes, a large dong, or good lines. Sex is just a more painful version of the same emptiness and lack of bonding ability as he offers with every other part of the relationship. That’s not what sex is all about, Friends, and there’s nothing Greek God-like about a toad.
Croak.
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Just a shout-out to the Friends who left reviews over at Amazon. Reviews help readers make a choice. The comments posted there, they rock, and Avenging, Caroline, Abbey, so do you.
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