Narcissists hate momentum. To narcissists, there is nothing good about momentum. Momentum is powerful, positive, and takes on a life of its own — all things that terrifies a narcissist. And with momentum, you expect more of those things as time goes by, not less.
Aunt Alex’s Army loves momentum. Momentum is powerful, positive, and takes on a life of its own — all things that energize and empower the Army. And here’s one way to get your own momentum rolling.
As you detach from the toxic fun-as-cholera psycho known as the narcissist, every day counts. Every hour that you don’t respond to him or have any contact with him at all, counts. This is because it gets easier with time, especially when you have supportive people, like friends and family and the Army, around you keeping you focused. You want those hours to grow into days, and you want those days to accumulate uninterrupted.
So, get yourself a calendar. Lots of businesses have them for free, especially this time of year. If you can’t find one or buy one right now, make one.
Every day that you don’t have contact with the narcissist, cross that day off with a big X. If you respond to the narcissist, or have contact with him in any way, don’t put an X on that day. What you’re looking for is a long chain of crossed-out days on your calendar, unbroken. This might not happen right away, but I promise you — as your rows of crossed-out days on your calendar grow, you’ll be able to see why it is that you’re feeling gradually healthier — and gradually better. Like you’re recovering from cholera.
If you’re the competitive type, put yourself to a 30-day challenge, of good eating, good projects, and staying the hell away from assclowns. Let the considerable power of momentum start to carry you along, as your commitment builds and shows itself, and the only rule is to take care of yourself.
Hi Alex,
Great post! I would like to take this opportunity to share a big milestone on my calendar. On Thursday 10-11-12, I celebrated ONE YEAR of NO CONTACT with my N. it has been the the most blessed year I have experienced in at least 10 years. My confidence is returning, my passion for life and hobbies has returned, my healthy has improved, I no longer take medication for anxiety and depression, my relationships with friends and family are much better, and my future is so bright. I could not have done it without you and the army. I was actually recruited by a company for a new job and am moving out of state to the beach. It is amazing how wonderful your world can be when you choose your own health and sanity over the empty life with a narcissist. Thank you for being a part of this great change in my life.
Alex, thank you for all your posts. They always come at appropriate times for me. I for some reason found my mind wandering to the N in my past over this weekend. I have had no contact for 6 months and each day gets easier. The impact they have on others is so intense and your posts help to keep me focused on the positives around me.
Great Idea! I’m all over it and was “hungry” this morning for pre-active ideas to get me through this rough time. Thanks Alex!
This is wonderful advice and I feel stronger for it, I will have contact with ex as we have children together, I have found with your help that I do not have to respond to his crazy accusations or defend myself to him I thought it would drive me crazy to not fight back but I am surprised by how calm I am these days. My children are picking up my good vibes we are for the moment much calmer and happier. Thank you Auntie
I fell, for this fools game again. Now he left at a time of turmoil in my family. Ilness of my Brother and Dad. This fool ignored me the entire weekend. This is it. I will never call him again. He was supportive on his terms. My focus is on my loved ones, God always will be here, his phone is always charged and never off.
Such a great idea and so helpful on MANY levels! Happy to see the comments here of those finding healing!
I am so grateful to have found this page. I am working on no contact, however there are several situations (church and recovery meetings) where I sometimes run into my ex “N”. I’ve been told to ignore him but not to let him “box me out” of where I have a right to be. I am not sure whether or not to try to hold my own in territory that is rightfully also mine or to seek less dangerous accommodations for now, but miss the fellowship of my true friends. Advice?
This is possibly the best website I have ever seen. May I start by saying I am a male who has been married to a female narcissist for 14 years. I could never understand why she was always the most important thing in my life, I always showed emotion she never did, I apologised in every argument but can never remember her arguing. Recently we have had a tough financial time and I had been under a lot if pressure at work she offered little or no support. I lost my temper a couple of times and she said the marriage is over and she didnt love me anymore. I have moved out but couldn’t understand why it hurt so much to let go. Cos of the toxins I guess. I had been messaging to speak to her and it made me feel better but every message I had back at any point was evil. Mine were all apologetic. I have now told her I am selling the house filing for divorce as she said if I found someone else it wouldn’t bother her, but she has someone already and that destroyed me. I am struggling like mad to stay away as I am on day 1 and feel obsessed with her. Any support for someone with a mrs toad to deal with would really help me I think. Also my wife lost her mum at 9 and her dad and mum separated when she was 8 and got back together before she died. I think her mum was the same as her dad said the best thing to do is just leave her alone. She says she wants to be on her own but he says she doesn’t and that no one else will put up with her. I just feel so low she has knocked my confidence so much
Alex
I am so happy I found your site. It came just when I broke no contact. I just started using the calendar….what a great strategy. It’s getting me back on track:)
Alex
I am so happy I found this site. It came at the right time. I recently broke no contact and the calendar strategy is getting me back on track. Your book is also a huge help!
This 30 day challenge thing sounds doable. I’m 6 months NC but struggling. Never want the toad back but I’m letting myself go. My divorce was final 3 days ago and I’m feeling down. I’m going for the 30 day makeover. Healthy food, get off my but and no more booze. Thanks Auntie.
I wanted to share with others and elaborate on marking those days off my calendar in my first few months of NC. I have been nc now for over a year; but coming to terms with many things during the course of two years. I was on the brink of total destruction; I lost my career from PTSD and I knew I had to save myself. NC was not as difficult as it was addressing why I allowed a person to treat me so horrible; it took about one month of nc for me to realize it wasnt the toad I was really missing, it was something within myself I have always been missing – it was never anybody that could have given it to me; let alone some well crafted persona he constructed for me. Now I dont even want all the dreams (or I should say lies) he once promised me. My desires and passions are so different now from what I once wanted.
Marking those NC days off on my calender brought me closer each day to the truth and a life free from abuse.
Awake: very insightful stuff! Appreciated it this morning. Heb
Hi Awake, I appreciated your insights as they support the core issue of what has not only gotten me into N relationships, but kept me going back to them again and again! Yes, for me the hardest part of breaking away from them entirely was facing what was in ME that made me such an N magnet. Not in a condemning, self-punishing kind of way as I did in the past, but in a practical, mature “I care about me” kind of way that finally made it possible for me to face the pain and emptiness I carried inside me all my life. I had an N mother and my poor Dad was mentally ill-we grew up like mice in a python’s cage. I always fell for the over-the-top, gushing attention (or “neediness”) that N’s would display to get me hooked in before the other head popped out. Working on my end of it has brought healing I’ve never experienced before. I’m still in the process of that, still struggling with an inner emptiness, but it is slowly filling up as I look to God and truly caring friends to fill me instead of the quick “high” N’s provide, with the inevitable crash. I finally signed divorce papers to my last marriage to an N; our final contacts have been carefully maneuvered by me to get safely away in one piece instead of wounded and bleeding. I know I can never let my guard down and have to do everything without emotion involved. This website has helped me see the N as a “specimen” of a noxious, disease-carrying organism-nothing more. To remove something like that you need a cool head, objective attitude, latex gloves and a container you can seal and discard, haha! ( I have a kind of scientific perspective on things, so this analogy has helped me detach and operate for my own safety without destructive emotions about the N-anger, hurt, victimhood, etc. which, ironically, only leave you craving them again!). I’m learning how to be kind to myself as I let myself heal, allow myself healthy comfort, and accept my duty to safeguard my heart and do all I can to inform others. All the best to everyone here on the journey away from toads!
Christine: I like your analogy of these toads being lab experiments, and how fitting, as I remember those days in school dissecting frogs – never thought I would grow up to become involved with one !!!! Today I wish I could put him in a jar with a cotton ball and end his miserable life!!! Here is something to think about – instead of kissing the toad that turned into the prince, we kissed the prince that turned into a toad? Wait a minute, isnt this all backwards? My father never read THAT fairy tale to me lol
I believe we will always have to work from here on out on our inner issues and/or vulnerabilities that lead us to be “TOO GENEROUS” to toxic, destructive and damaged individuals. Today, I celebrate my personal work and journey in knowing I will NEVER be prey to this again. I asked myself for a long time: “HOW could there have been something that terribly wrong with me to only be a giving, generous, empathetic loving person – the answer is NOTHING – but we must identify healthy boundaries and above all recognize our self worth to never let anyone use, exploit and take advantage of this precious precious gift we have. – I cant sacrifice myself for the sick convictions of others – I need to learn to recognize that SICK is SICK and a toad is a toad. – all the love and self sacrifice I give to broken people will never change or cure them into the person I wish and/or want them to be. Their disorder is their loss it was never mine to take on and nurture.
On the flip side to this experience. there is the element of the trauma that is associated with it – the trauma of being fooled, emotionally raped and knowing your life crossed with a psychopath. All the damn inner reflection and self awareness can never erase that I feel victim to one of these predators that even fool the professionals. I will have to live with this trauma that was done to me, but I know with time, what I have learned will far outweigh the trauma – hugs .
How about two calendars? The toad buster…I love this idea…and a best friend calendar…every day we remember to be our own very best friend, we can draw a big heart on that day… all the people on this site seem so loving and giving… what would happen if we gave all the wasted love for those icky toads back to ourselves? Also…why does that idea kinds scare me even tho it seems to make perfect sense?
We have gotten used to neglecting ourselves we find it uncomfortable and alien to put ourselves first. In all truth we need a big hug from the universe .
being abused was my comfort zone – putting myself first is foreign to me, being with someone that is considerate of me will be awkward – it should be a give and take and mutual respect by two, something I have never had. and that is partially my fault; not my fault because I was giving but my fault because I allowed others to walk all over me – never again –
Alex
I read one of your moving articles yrs ago – back in 2004. It was ahead of its time and like nothing I had found to explain this man and experience. You were the forerunner to info and support groups. I love that you are kind to people that write to you to share their story and thank you. There are a few sites out there which should be ashamed for taking money to counsel (when they are not certified as behavioral counselors) and berating people when they break NC. I went to one site for support and watched them denigrate and behave so hatefully to members who were “naughty” and used more than tough love laced with a push to purchase from them for HELP.
You are clear, precise and a helpful person. TY
TY – I know what site you are referencing as I have broken away from that site also – moderators posing as therapists and/or psychologists with no credentials or degree to counsel others only based on their OWN experience – VERY unethical, unprofessional and it actually should be illegal !!!!! not to mention it’s also quite dangerous. I also know of the “tough love” you speaking of – Personally I believe the site is RUN by narcs and this tough love you speak of does not include the word love in it at all – nothing loving about cruel and hateful words towards a recovering victim who is confused and in pain.
I am doing NC but feeling some major grief. His family dumped me. Tho it was never a rich relationship, I have lost the relationship with his little grandchild. Finding out I am disposable to people I loved is painful. I cannot contact any of these people because it will cause me to be abused. I have only read about no contact with the abuser. please address the idea of no contact within social circles…also, the holiday season is here and causing a lot of anxiety.. this is the time to reach out to our loved ones.. and all those romantic diamond ads don ‘t help… any tips to sooth a troubled heart?
Cindy Lu – Come on – all that glitter and glam will NEVER make you truly happy – Those diamond advertisements are a JOKE – lets see my x psycho’s GF has a beautiful 2 KT around her neck does that take away the pain of what he does behind her back – ? You need to remember what is important and what the gift is that keeps on giving the whole year through – that gift will last a life time Cindy – its the gift you gave yourself when you got rid of abuse in your life – you cant even measure that – its enormous!!!!! Christmas is 24 hours and its over and done with – most people are left having to pay off what they put on their credit cards and are not all that much happier for it in the long run – tis the season Cindy Lu – you are that little girl that the Grinch took that sucker from as she was sleeping but you will wake up on Christmas Day with love in your heart just as she did – and this is NOT corny stuff – I sincerely mean this!!!!! This suffering and anxiety is only temporary – find peace and love within yourself and you will never be lonely (maybe alone) but NEVER lonely!! Hugs
Welcome, Welcome
Fah who rah-moose
Welcome, Welcome
Dah who dah-moose
Christmas day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp
Thank you… and you are right..not being abused during the holidays is better… thanks for reminding me that the anxiety and suffering is temporary…It feels very overwhelming but thinking of it as feelings that will pass gives me hope. I need to face the reality that those “Christmas pasts” with him were not truly real because he was not being real… The grief is real because my love is real… and it really does feel as if the Grinch stole my sucker! I will try to focus on the people who do love me… and I really hope to grow and heal…it.sure is hard after what I’ve gone through. Thank you again for your kindness.
Yes Cindy that is correct – remember YOU loved and you gave your love and trust to someone that was simply ill equipped to give it back – Aunt Alex stresses that – its not that he didnt love you or miss you – its the fact he was UNABLE – our job is to now accept that we loved a disordered person who raped us emotionally and moved on – and he will do it to the next and/or the current one he is with – I promise you that you WILL and CAN recover from this – its a huge mind F, and it deeply scars us and the recovery is nasty – it took all the strength I had to heal from that sick bastard – its feels as if you have lost your whole world, but in reality Cindy you lost nothing – the real him is a NOTHING and you will come to realize that the stronger you get – you hurt over what you thought you had and what you wanted so badly as it was ripped away from you – We leave because we eventually see the REAL THEM and it AINT pretty – Today, I still get small triggers and I remember that perfect man that once appeared in my life then I stop and think how sick that also was- the persona and the mask will one day represent something very sick to you also – you will not crave it and want it back trust me – behind it is nothing but a psychopath a very disturbed person that about destroyed my life. He can take his false self, sick sexual perversions and sick self elsewhere, he is someone else’s problem now (and I feel bad for all of them) For the most part they play their little act the same on all their targets – each toad has their own style and hidden agenda they are into. Mine is off promising love, a future and a life to someone else then the transformation will start – he will ask them to F others in front of him so he can get off, or he will profess how much he would enjoy seeing my raped by two men as he watches – yes Cindy that is what my prince turned into – no wonder I lost 30 pounds from the shock of what he really was – keep the reality of what he really is in the front of your mind – all other memories of what you recall; his smile, maybe his touch, his charming words, was all an act,; every promise he ever made was all an act and LIES – remember the psychopath NOT the illusion he created for you – behind the love illusion is the toad. This adversity will make you wise beyond what you ever imagined, you will one day feel the joy of this pain gone and you will one day feel nothing but sick pity for him —