1. Peaceful, nourishing, enjoyable celebrations are so BORING, and thoughtful gifts are SO overrated. Give me disappointment and disillusionment ANY day.
2. His whining about not getting the gift, attention, treats, dinner, or EXACT expression of appreciation he wanted, will make any cranky children look like angelic, mature, serene and wise sophisticates in comparison.
3. Usually they don’t even bother showing up, or calling, or following through on any plans. This means you get his serving of dessert.
4. Having a narcissist in the room means he’ll be desperately sucking ALL the attention his way. NO ONE will notice if the tree is crooked or the turkey is dry.
5. Take him to the office Holiday party, and all the old workplace interpersonal tensions will be forgotten. Your colleagues will be too busy feeling sorry for you for having such a jackass in your life.
6. His laying in the Barca Lounger like a hairy, farting manatee all day means he’ll have LOTS of energy for the three minutes of intimacy he’s got in store for you tonight! Rawr!
7. You didn’t really want help with those decorations anyway. After all, you just have to take them down again in January.
8. Kids LOVE playing the “Guess How Many Half-Siblings We Have That Mommy Doesn’t Know About” game. It’s a narcissist family favorite.
9. Knowing perfectly well he’s going to passive-aggressively ruin your day, you can spend HOURS and HOURS mapping out a reverse-psychology, pre-emptive, out-do-the-narcissist manipulation strategy. Yes, it will consume all your energy and free time, and will fail anyway, but it’ll be SO worth it.
10. And finally, the answers are, “Yes.” Yes, he did pick out that lingerie for you while thinking mostly about how it will look on him. And yes, he did unwrap the store package and try it on before rewrapping it and giving it to you. Enjoy.
I will always remember with fondness the memory stick full of HIS favourite songs that I got one Xmas. When I saw it was gold and had his name engraved on it, I got him to “confess” that it was a present to him from his daughter so I downloaded the songs and gave him the stick back – (yeah right, I have this feeling now that it was a recycled present from some other woman. Charming….Satan’s gift to womankind more like)
My ex. narcissist once wrapped up a rolex for himself and put it under the tree. He had spent the money for the children’s private school tuition because HE deserved it. He also brought home presents for the kids from his girlfriend one year. Like sh** sprinkled with sugar! I burned them in the fireplace. This is my first Christmas without him, thank God I can finally have some Peace on Earth after 25 years.
Dido, 26 years later found out he had money for rolex es, pandora , expensive hotels, restaurants, $100.00 bottles of wine at lunch , travel and spa’s when I was scolded into a frugal budget with three kids!
When Xmas was approaching on Dec. i forgot what year, I was looking through the shelves of a dept store canvassing for xmas presents then my X-N popped out the Super Question “What are you buying gifts for?” Toink!
I’ll stick with number 9
My ex husband punched me three times on the morning of Christmas 2009. It was a Christmas my son and I choose to forget. Christmas 2010, he decided he did not want to see his son or even Skype him. My son was 5 years old. This is the first Christmas we are free and happy. Knowing exactly how wonderful the day will be for my little boy – it will finally be about him for a change.
The holidays are so hard for us emotionally generous people. In my 7 years with the N, I only remember one “thoughtful” gift and it was a cross on a necklace…he said it was the exact same necklace his mother wore. Every year, I spent thousands of dollars on gifts for him and his three sons, thinking I was creating lasting memories for all to cherish. Last year, I received a box full of small things from Dollar General. Literally, every single item was around $1.00. He was so offended when I was disappointed. Thanks be to GOD, this year, I am N free after 2 months of NC and a year of struggling to get here.
There was the year he took the xmas bonus he had paid me for my work at his business – same amount as the other employee bonuses. He used it to buy my xmas present – a jacket he selected for me. When I opened it he said, “I’m so sick of seeing you in that coat you’ve been wearing for 10 years.”
No. 5. during X’mas parties and New Year Eve parties, he never fail to make tanrums, flirt around, snare and accuse me things ( projection). The worst experience I had was he left me alone at home on New Year’s Eve, he went partying where I was supposed to be with him , invited. At the party, he called me and asked me to go to the party as our friends were looking for me and asking him what happened. He blamed me for the his embarrasment and said why does he have to live with my shadow. He said he used to be happy partying alone without me and now situations are changed because of me, and why does his friends look for me (ENVY)
Yeah I will stick with #9 too, and #3. Gosh I can’t believe any of you got gifts! I got zero, 7 Christmas’s of zero. I would get him tons of his favorite things and fun surprises.He’d tear into them and all happy, then put away and say “Well, I’m off to spend the day with my friends (which turned out to be another woman), I’ll see ya later.” Never spent one holiday with me, lived under the same roof.And I allowed that. Yes sure of COURSE you need to be with your friends! Holidays hurt like a sonofabitch for me. In 7 years I received 2 “gifts”. One being a printer he no longer wanted (and I had no need for), he said in November ” You want my old printer? It can be your early xmas present.” And the other a GPS he no longer wanted and gave to me, which I had no need for it either. That was an early birthday present. This year he’s spending with the woman he currently lives with.She has lotsa money, and a cabin up north for the holidays.He still has no job, so wonder what old no longer wanted item she will receive from him? I hope they get stuck in the snow, and she has to shovel the car out while he waits inside with the heater running and bitching how she ought to call someone,why is she so stupid, this is all her fault, bitch,nag,bitch,nag,bitch. Even with all this, it still does hurt very much.I continue to work on myself daily to get myself to a place of peace and past the hurt. I have days when I’m so down,it hits and sticks all day. Will I ever feel completely free of the thoughts,the sadness? I do counseling, hypnotherapy, meditation, I take care of me physically and emotionally….yet it still effects me. I think one of the worst parts is I am financially ruined, because I allowed that, believing in the fool. People tell me stop beating myself up over it. Do others do the same, wondering Why did I, How did I, What was I thinking? It sucks. I will say I don’t have that horrid knot and anxiety feeling inside, that I had for 7 years. That’s a good thing.
RR –
You are not alone! I am also financially ruined, and fighting my way back. I had a great job and was making twice what I am now, but between the stress of my job and the stress of my relationship…my body and mind couldn’t handle it all and something had to give. What did I do? I quit my job. It was a blessing and a curse. I spent all of my 401k trying to survive until I found a new job, while he worked at a local fast food place earning minimum wage. (This of course was a calculated move on his part to avoid paying money to his ex-wife for child support. He used to make big bucks, but basically stopped going to work and got fired). I supported him for 7 years and he just continued to use me, my car, my house even when I was unemployed. I get angry with myself EVERYDAY for allowing that to happen. I get sick to my stomach thinking of what I willingly gave to him, and sacrified in turn. The only peace I find now is that he is not in my life anymore. I can not change the past, but I did change my future by committing to NO CONTACT. I am sorry you are hurting…but please know you are not alone. I drive myself crazy thinking about his new girlfriend (who has tons of money) . Why does it bother me? I tell myself she is better for him so he is a changed man. But deep down, I know its not true. I hope we all have a more peaceful, healing, honest 2012.
and a happy, toad free Christmas everybody x x x
My favorite Xmas…woke up on the 24th…in labor…3 weeks early…didn’t tell him; got through the day preparing xmas eve meal for about a dozen people…apps, entrees, drinks, dessert…the works. Not sure where he was all day. Set the table with our best china, etc. Dressed our other children in their Christmas finery. Pulled myself together. Great family snapshots…went right on his office desk at work for all to see. Cooked the meal, served the meal, cleaned up. Kept everyone happy, sent them home, & finally said to him…I’m in labor…long pause…are you sure…this is really bad timing. Yes, I’m sure…can you help me get the stockings filled and gifts under the tree? No, if this is happening now…I have some work things to get to before we go. So…in labor..kids asleep…I filled the stocking…lugged the gifts from their hiding places & put them under the tree…packed my bag…and let him know when I was ready to go. He drove me to the hospital…I had the baby a few hours later….thanks, yet again, to the nurses who coached me through & cut the cord…while he sat in the chair nearby and watched. Then, he left….had to get home to see the other kids open their gifts from Santa (aka..me)! I stayed with this man for 9 more years. And, am still in the process of getting out. (PS…I’ve never received an xmas present from him either…even on the xmas when I gave birth…and, yes, his narc family was with us on Christmas Eve…didn’t lift a finger…and showed up at the hospital late night on Christmas Day to see the new baby….couldn’t get there until after they had finished their Christmas Dinner!…my family spent the day taking care of me & the baby at the hospital…and my children at home…I think they ordered a pizza…no memory of where he was). God help us.
I am so, so sorry your holidays were like that. Awful. Takes the cake, really. Get out and stay out end have so many good holidays that one becomes a distant awful memory.
I really felt validated by the comment “EXACT expression of appreciation”, hahaha! I remember one of my n’s in particular would not STOP showing, pointing, explaining anything HE was excited about, because NO ONE could express enough excitement and gratitude to satisfy him-ugh, it was so AWFUL! My mom was like that on holidays, and I hate them to this day…
Well holidays, my Ex N, Aka empty vessel,would spend money whenever he had it, not often, and buy lots of gaggets, electronics, foolishness…. Ok so he would also buy me gifts regularly, good gifts too. Its funny now there are still things around me that he bought, and some I can use others I just can’t. But I have learnt not to be confussed about his gift buying now…. Its clear that by giving in this way, he expected to get a hell of a lot more – false sence of security!
I dealt with a whole n family! Christmas was so stressful because we went house to house to house, all HIS family! We squeezed my whole family for a couple hours for brunch Christmas morning. No time for Santa or the kids to play with Santa. And gifts, forget about it! IF I got a gift, it was a piece of crap his mother pulled out of her basement and I was expected to fawn over it, never mind I spent months picking out the perfect gift for him and them. It has been 3 years of peaceful Christmases with my family.
Last year my Mom and I baked our traditional family Christmas cookies. My mother thoughtfully made a plate of cookies up for me to bring to my boyfriend’s mother. When I asked him if we could stop to pick them up on the way to his mom’s on Christmas Eve, he nastily said “We’re not doing that!”. When I calmly told him his response bothered me, he went into a rage,and told me that Christmas was cancelled.
Left me on my Birthday last year for a younger woman with 4 young children.
Blamed it on me because I was a alcholic – probably was drinking more because he was driving me crazy!
I couldn’nt stand the deciept and womanising – and dressing up in woman’s clothes for sex. What the hell is that all about? Still trying to figure that one out.
Three years before at Xmas Dinner – left the table and went to bed for the whole of Xmas day because my family were there and not his controlling daughter.
2006 had an affair with a woman – blamed it on me because I did’nt get on with his daughter.
I went for therapy as he told me to – he said he was – but lied again – I hoped to repair the marriage – but he had another target bye this time……
The list goes on and on – afterall – never their fault – U have to take the blame for everything they do because they haven’nt got a Moral Compass in their sick-heads. Blame, shame, that’s the nature of the game.
Lie, Lie, and more Lies.
Was married for 11 years – wished I had never met the Monster.
Am still recovering from the abuse – my love goes out to everyone who has encoundered THE DEVIL.
May Karma Reign.
This is not meant in a bad way but it is so comforting to read that other victims of n’s also experience the same TYPE of abuses. I other words, it’s possible to see through their lies even clearer, without one shred of doubt that it is NOT was NOT and NEVER will be the fault of the victim. The n has pathological hatred of his target and zero character. Just relish, dear reader, the utter chaos and destruction turned in on itself on the n, when we first decide to take control and go ‘ no contact’. They might get to glimpse for a second the feeling of pain they create in others. On a good day, they have no other targets to jump to and must suffer this pain in great depth. Good.
Gifts? Sex? Now I’m really starting to feel left out! lol I don’t get anything…affection, gifts for any occasion (and, of coarse, what I get him is never enough), sex, a big fat NOTHING! I always loved the holidays. But, he’ll make it impossible to enjoy any part of it. And, of coarse since the holidays are spent at our home, it’s torture to do all the work and not be able to enjoy any of it. I’m praying this will be my last Christmas having to tolerate him. I want to go back to LIVING again!
I’m in the same same situation! Nothing from him I’ve ask him to move out !
This is my first Christmas without the N. At first was dreading if. I went shopping for myself and ended up going into the men’s section. There were loads of wonderful stuff for him. I miss the thrill and pleasure of picking up the perfect gifts for him.
But then I thought again about all the Christmases that I spent with him. I never got to open a gift from him on Christmas morning. My present usually came way after Christmas was over. I usually got to buy one thing, under a certain budget that he set, and he wcould reimburse me later. No wrapped gift for me, no pretty bow, no cards either. His excuse was always because he is a practical person and he has no time for gift hunting, wrapping, etc. So thoughtless and inconsiderate. He couldn’t even afford to be a decent person one day in a year.
Christmas party? Forget it. Whenever we were invited to a Christmas party, he always managed to suck all the fun out of me and made me miserable. Last Christmas we had a huge bust up after the party, I ended up slapping him across the face 4 times and he gave me 1 month silent treatment even after I apologized profusely a million times.
So, I think I will be ok spending Christmas without him. It will not make any difference because even when he’s here, I would still feel that I am alone because he is always so cold, detached and unavailable emotionally.
Last Christmas, my covert N mother asked me if we could have Christmas day at my house because my older sister and her family were coming and my place was bigger. I had just had a complete hysterectomy three weeks earlier but I had not seen my sister in two years and wanted to make a wonderful Christmas for everyone. My older sister and I had been like best friends for 50 years. Because of my hysterectomy, I was thrown into instant menopause and without the right hormones yet, I was a basket case. An emotional rollercoaster and completely unable to think clearly. If I had been in my right mind I would have realize my sister never stayed with my parents when she visited, she always stated with me. She didn’t even call me to let me know she was coming, I found out through my mother. Anyway, three weeks after major surgery and the emotional mess that ensued, I cleaned my entire house, washed all my China and Crystal by hand, bought gifts for everyone and stayed up late every night to wrap them. My husband and I spent $200 on food and had invited four friends of our own. Over the weeks my mother and I talked daily about the meal, who was bringing what, she.would bring a baked turkey since we were frying ours, all the cornbread dressing, a ham and gravy. I was doing all the vegetable and sweet potatoes casserole, drinks, wine and anything else. Two days before Christmas my husband took our daughter over to their house to play with her cousins and my mother said they would all be there by one at the latest and, again, repeated what she was bringing. I stayed up all night getting “Santa”ready for our three children and finished wrapping all the presents for my sister’s family, her husband and herself, their 11 yr old son, her 18 yr old autistic daughter, her 30 yr old daughter and that daughters 5 yr old son, plus my parents. I got about two hours sleep and we had our kids Christmas, then got the house picked up, got dressed and cooked the food and our friend arrived around noon.while we waited for my family-.- who never showed up, or called, or answered our numerous phone calls to them. Finally, at 3:30I called again and they said they are on their way. At 5:45 that evening, my parents my sister’s oldest daughter and her son and my sister’s autistic daughter show up. All my mother brought was a tiny little dish of dressing that had not even been cooked yet. When I asked her if that was all she brought and where everything else was she looked at me like she had no idea she was supposed to have brought anything else and when I asked her where my sister and the rest of her family was she said they weren’t coming. We had waited ALL day, with our friends and children, didn’t eat or anything, while my ENTIRE FAMILY, including my younger sister, her boyfriend and adult son, enjoyed a full day of Christmas joy, eating, drinking wine, exchanging presents, THE ENTIRE DAY, and no one bothered to call us and invite us, let us know they weren’t coming, to start our day or even eat. You see, my younger sister is a narcissist, just like my parents and for some unknown reason despises me and she decided the day before Christmas that they would be at my parents at one on Christmas day so we were just forgotten. I found out later she and my older sister had become best friends over the last two years and had cut me out of their lives. Let me just add that my husband and my children and I have been my parents sole caretakers for the last.18.years. my parents moved to my city, even, so it would be easier for us to care for them because.neither of my sister’s could be bothered with it. And this was the thanks we got. I cut ALL CONTACT WITH ALL OF THEM THE NEXT DAY! Life has never been better! Narcissists suck! They are evil,.disgusting parasites and have a hole where their souls should be. Don’t spend another second of your life wasting it on them!
Talked me into having a baby with him over Christmas he thought it would be so wonderful! Got me pregnant in January and then decided he didn’t actually want a baby. Abortion in march! No empathy – but then it is all about him!