Reader Alert: Not for young eyes or those of tender constitution. Proceed with caution.
First, I hope you giggled a little at that title, because if there’s anything a toad ISN’T, it’s a great lover. Don’t get me wrong, some of them have acceptable technique. But even that is part of their disorder — if you look closely at any very good technique they have or anything you like, whether it’s their kiss, their pace, or a certain touch, they probably learned it from you. They’re either mimicking you, or are repeating — over and over — what they think you like. They have no personal style that’s partner-oriented. Creepy deviance is likely; pleasant creativity is unheard of. Sex on the fly is likely; true intimacy is starkly lacking. He’ll accuse you of being frigid or not liking sex, when the truth of the matter is you just don’t want his sweaty manatee fatness grunting on you. He’ll pleasure himself on your body while you’re trying to sleep, and act like he’s just anointed you with the nectar of the Greek Gods. And you should thank him for annoying you, using you, and getting you all gross before sleeping.
Face it. Narcissists suck in bed.
People like sex. This is because sex is really, really awesome. Toads with personality disorders, however, are not really, really awesome, and they tend to have one of two approaches to sex.
(1) “I have an erection! Let’s have a parade!”
Yeah. He has an erection. This is supposed to be as fascinating for you as it is for him. You’re supposed to experience his erection as he does when he has it, and get all hot, aroused and freaky right at that moment, and magically know how to thrill him sexually. Forget about YOU being satisfied sexually, or when YOU are aroused and want to spend time with him; you’re supposed to be fulfilled by helping him to achieve orgasm, and every sexual encounter together should be a greatest hit. If you don’t have a great time, it’s because there’s something wrong with you, not because he’s a selfish lover. The beginning of the sexual experience is defined by his erection, and the end by his orgasm. Then he’ll pat you on the butt and roll over and go to sleep. This, my friends, is not love-making. It’s masturbation using another person as a sex toy.
(2) “I am Tarzan! Lord of the jungle! No, wait, I am Pre-Transgender-Woman, hear me ROAR! No, wait, I’m a MAN, but, gay and PROUD! Wait, what’s a transvestite — and is “bi” still available?”
I have never seen anything so pathetic and hopeless as the sexually confused narcissist. And I assure you most vigorously, they’re as common as fleas on a hound dog. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a narcissist who was both secure and comfortable in his sexuality. They want EVERYONE to love them and want them, so, actually, nothing and no one is off the table (so to speak) when it comes to potential sex partners. And their identity in ALL departments is so flimsy and malleable, including their sexual identity, that they don’t really have a firmly established gender identity or sexual alignment. They want attention and adoration from anything that moves, and if sex is a way to get it, so be it. They’re the ultimate slut — they’ll truly hump anything.
For both of those two types, though, be sure that when a narcissist has sex, he thinks he’s a Greek God at it. It’s healthy for people to feel sexy and confident and comfortable during sex, but that’s not what’s going on with him. No, he’s PERFORMING. To HIMSELF. He’s the guy who mirrors over the bed were made for, so he can watch himself — not the two of you having a loving, intimate time, but himself, being a golden Greek God. And like with anything else, the truth of the matter is he sucks at it. So to speak. Sex isn’t a bonding behavior for him, with shared passion and afterglow and tender endearments, it’s a release and a GREAT way to be passive-aggressive. To withhold, to let you down, to begrudge and to abuse.
He’ll pretend he loves and get your response, your love, and get you to give yourself over to him, and then devalue and discard just like he does with everything else. Narcissists make their lovers feel needy, because their lovers do all the giving and get so very little in return — and the resulting emotional deficit is VERY uncomfortable.
Doesn’t matter if he’s good-looking, has beautiful eyes, a large dong, or good lines. Sex is just a more painful version of the same emptiness and lack of bonding ability as he offers with every other part of the relationship. That’s not what sex is all about, Friends, and there’s nothing Greek God-like about a toad.
Croak.
Dear Aunt Alex,
I’m slightly creeped out thinking perhaps you have been videotaping at my house! Wow!! And I’ve been thinking its just me and what a horribly cold selfish lover I am and so terribly unappreciative of his wiggling his penis at me.
This blog is a godsend to me.
Hee hee. I call them “weenie waggers”. I had trouble keeping a straight face when he said—-“do you know what I think is erotic?—answer—– Making a hole in a pumpking and shoving his appurtenance in it? He’s a very accomplished adult male. My insides nearly exploded controlling my reaction! I am the consumate actress. It became a learned trait. Needless to say—
right on the money….sex with a narc is nothing but masturbating….doesnt matter what or who he is with…..there is no passion or emotional feelings involed…they say your great sexually and you are…but too him he would hump a frog…he would truly rather mastubate than touch a women….they are truly lost deep inside with no soul…..funny thing is they really belive you cannot see through them..lmao……they rather be on line typing like their all that….until u end up with them and see for yourself how cold and fake they really are…..its halirious….lonely cold hollow life…..
It is astonishing how they’re all the same, isn’t it. And the bedroom song and dance is no different. Unfortunately…..
excellent, well done, and eerily true. my ex-narcissist would try so ‘hard’ to not go limp, i think because he wasn’t f**king himself. well, now he can go f**k himself because i got away with our son, sole custody, all the power, and i now have a real man. that crazy toad can croak…uggh.
Dear Aunt Alex,
I am wondering if we can connect privately as I suspect you must have been intimately involved with the narc I was with. Either that or I was drugged by him and you were in the room watching because it is chilling how accurate and dead on your article is. I love your work it is brilliant and drives the message home with just the right twist of humor! Thank you!
Hugs,
Betty…
My ex-narcissist is Greek… ouch!
Please don’t ever stop posting! I love seeing your emails in my Inbox because I know everything you say will be dead on! It makes me laugh, cry, and damn thankful that I divorced the toad!
The part about the mirrors in this post-Good Lord, so literally true and looking back, I now KNOW he was only watching HIS OWN performance! It makes me sick!
Thank you for this blog-it has gotten me through the worst “so-called marriage” I could have ever had in my worst nightmare!
you have absolutely described my own experience…and i was a naive girl who married this narc.. i never had a boyfriend before marriage, and none extramarital. BUT some gut instinct had made me start cringing…barely 1 day after the marriage . and over the years… i began to be terrified of sex. finally, after 20+ years, i withdrew from his bedroom. Chiefly because I discovered he was sleeping with a OW and apart from the OW he had a string of paid sex servers. it has been so traumatic for me…especially now that i have just nowhere to go..no money, no friends or family…all alone in one corner of the world.. with no hope, no past,present or future.
i remember when he would force me into oral…YIKES…i felt I was in Auschwitz. Seriously…and i did not know that a woman had a right to refuse sex. well..very long and sad story.. just thinking…so many many many innocent girls will continue to get sacrificed to these monsters just like i was ..
Great article, glad I found you and I am not the only one, I was briefly married to one, this blog is spot on.
Sad V, you might have more supports than you realize. You feel stuck right now because you’re still in the house with a toad who’s stomped all over your life. First, everything you own as a couple in your marriage is at LEAST half yours, and in many states more if you can prove his infidelity. Support groups, churches, states, universities, hospitals and community outreach programs ALL have resources, vocational counseling, and assistance for people in transition. Pack up the car with everything (you earned it), and drive somewhere that feels welcoming, get a therapist to help you stay focused, and that’s an outstanding beginning. You won’t believe how free you feel.
Sad Victim… Don’t believe you are alone. That’s part of his manipulation. You are NOT alone. You are NOT without nothing!! Married 12 years to my N and I’m just starting to break away. But, the more I talk with my counselor, read this blog, and the conversations with my Attorney, I am getting that not only am I not alone, I am NOT penniless, I am NOT going to be living in a box on the street with my 9 year old son, I am GOING TO SURVIVE! You can too!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!
Every article here is exactly dead on, hits the nail square on the head, EXCEPT this one. My N is also a sex addict. It puts a whole other layer of ugly on all the demonic evil rottenness. We actually had a great sex life.Although he was at times selfish. He cheated constantly.Non stop.Hook ups with women from dating sites, classifieds, trolling bars, online sex, sex with complete strangers, even sex with a 75 yr old woman.And porn constantly.Besides affairs with women. Anyone and everyone was/is fair game for him to nail.And keeps a videos/pictures library of them all. (which he never did know I found out about) As if the emotional and verbal abuse and twisted irrational rationalizing weren’t bad enough.To know he was in bed with Lord only knows how many others, telling me he’s got to go help his brother or whatever lame excuse to leave for an hour, then return and shower and get all romantic cutesy with me and we’d have sex…..it’s disgusting and sickening looking back on it all now that I’ve found out soooo many of his lies. And all the times he hammered on me and accused me and bitched and berated me.As though I were the one with the horrid behavior. Yes it is a horrible nightmare that haunts me. Charming guy is indeed ever so charming.And the monster lies in wait, close at hand to destroy even the tiniest drop of joy. It stings.The thought of it. There was a time I had such hope for him , for us. A time he expressed he wanted “to be normal”. That was short lived.How can a person with zero self control and zero conscience ever be ‘normal’? And he’s afraid of anyone finding out his secrets. I would assume that is true for all of his kind? Very afraid of anyone finding out his weirdo freakish psycho ways. I have no idea how he ‘performed’ with all his sex hook ups. Someone/thing for him to attempt to temporarily chase away his feeling of being an empty black hole? I tried researching why men cheat. He was adored and cherrished at home, and got plenty of sex, and caring, and conversation/communication (if that’s what you want to call it, as it was all about him, his interests,his ideas,his thoughts. if it was ever about anyone else it was him putting down and complaining or malicious gossip about others). No I think the cheating was all about him feeding his ego. A non N maybe cheats for some other reasons, but for him it’s all about feeding the ego and trying to fill the black empty space where ‘normal’ people have a soul.
These articles help me, as I am still ‘in recovery’. It’s been one heck of an experience. If ever I start to miss pretend guy, I just remind myself how good it feels to not have that knot in my stomach, wondering who he’ll be, how awful or nasty will he be,or will he be charming? and if so, when will the other shoe drop? And the negative vibe, good things have actually started to happen for me since the negative vibe isn’t hanging in the air anymore. I may never ever recoup all the losses , nor rebuild all of what once was, but the peace……the peace is priceless.
yes, the same combination of narcissist/sex addict in my experience … sometimes i feel like my brain will never be the same … they are infectious in some sort of horrible way …
Oh my….this is my story too. It’s disgusting to look back, so I don’t. We are survivors and there is so much good in the peaceful world! It’s been an adventure and one that most people find unbelievable and can’t even fathom. Stay strong and keep looking forward! Hugs.
Thank you Alex! This is what I have been looking for. Why do so many articles on narcissism leave this part out of the description? It is the most baffling and hurtful part of the ‘experience’ with these guys. The final blow is when they ‘blame’ their problem on you!
Alex,
I am so glad you wrote this article because the gender confusion issue was always something that puzzled me about my N “friend.” He came across as very masculine in some ways, but effeminate in others. He always welcomed flirting from anyone, too. Now I see it was what he was going for- sending signals out to both sexes to attract attention. He was trying to be appealing to everyone. What an exhausting lifestyle! It is no wonder that N’s have little time for anyone else…
Dear Alex,
Very true.. indeed. I have met her, too. The “masturbation using another person as a sex toy” does unfortunately not know any gender barriers.
Agreed, Sean. He or she, old or young, all narcissists have that very special something we might call malignant selfishness.
Including in the sack.
Mine likes sexting other women. Getting their pictures in all various poses. Much younger women always. Most with problems like addiction of their own. I guess I should be please that he needs all that outside stimulation to find me attractive and make him want to sleep with me. He tried to talk me into having one of them be our own little personal sex toy to add some excitement to our already awesome sex life (his words) since he wanted me of course but wanted her too. And that person could change when he became bored with her. Just discard and move on. When I wouldn’t agree he thought I should at least talk to her and let her know that I was fine with her continuing to sext him and send him her pics since that’s just who he is and since I clearly can’t make it without him… and after all none of that is degrading or belittling or hurtful to me because he loves me and that need is just who he is. He was so thoughtful he even gave me permission to do the same thing with someone else that he approve of. Wasn’t that super sweet?? He almost had me talked into telling that girl to go ahead and keep it up, on the eve of my 11th wedding anniversary with tears streaming down my face because if I refused I knew it was over. The manipulation is mind boggling to me. I can’t believe I nearly did what he wanted. The only thing that stopped me was knowing that every single time he was “affectionate” to me or did something nice I would know that meant he hqd just had some encounter with someone and I knew I couldn’t handle it. I cannot wait for this divorce to get moving so I can start my life over and can finally be free of this suffocating feeling I live with right now.
So glad you are leaving that bum. Once, some guy was staring our way in traffic, and he noticed it. He said he thought the guy was looking at me, but also, he was looking over there, so maybe he was looking at Him. There is a definite mixing of the genders — as mine was very masculine, but wore makeup sometimes, and permed and bleached his hair, and had more clothing and shoes than a queen. He was part man and part woman, and absolutely horrid in bed, although he would tell random people we met wherever that he was a performer in the bedroom. I couldn’t even bring myself to have sex with him, he was such a nothing in bed, it was so creepy, sterile, and uninteresting — like having sex with some type of a ghost. I just refused.
Oh the gut-wrenching sexual issues! This has effected my self esteem to the point I’m afraid I’ll never recover. After dating for one year, I moved in with my N despite all the red flags. Living in the lion’s den enabled me to be exposed to more ridiculous behavior. He would pick a fight, break up with me, and I’d find his profile on a dating or sex website that same day. After tormenting me, we’d get back together and he would be so much more sexually charged. As our relationship progressed, so did his “other” activities. He would assure me all the girls he was emailing and texting were “insignificant” and that he only loved me but he knew he had issues. He loved me bc I accepted him for him and no one else ever did. I “patched” it all up for years, until he actually met some girl at a hotel and had sex with her. I found texts to/from men. He denied it. I was strong enough to kick him out and live without him for 6 months, but he weaseled his way back in. Same Sh#t, different day but then he with-held sex from me until “we could get along better.” Told me I needed to lose weight, needed to be sexier. I left him last year FOR GOOD, but I don’t see myself ever being with someone else again..- still consider myself so undesirable. I am working through it, but he messed me up something fierce! Thank you all for sharing your stories and thank you Alex for this site!
Here is a suggestion for your next one – The Narcissist as a complete twat….
Still standing 😉
Ha ha
Aunt Alex appears to be lurking in a lot of bedrooms. All true for my narc. In addition, if he accidentally did something i liked and i said so, or made a noise to indicate my pleasure, he would never do said action again. I was in denial about that level of selfishness and malice, took me years to accept it. All during that time i forgot the things which gave me pleasure, he never did. He never did any of them twice. Married eighteen wasted years, except for two beautiful girls-i;m just grateful they still speak to me.
All true. The manipulator didn’t seem to like to touch or kiss and was totally in his head. He never did any of them twice -just as you said.. :/ A narcissist is really a boring and hurtful ” lover” . I was the object to maturbate on. The worst years of my life.
Oh wow Alex this is spot on! I believed him when he told me his ‘variable’ performance was all my fault. That the reason he had to watch porn movies (involving young girls) during lovemaking was because I couldn’t turn him on!.Thankfully he is now out of my life, although as you predicted, two months of NC on my insistence was broken by him e-mailing me trying to worm his way back into my life. NO WAY will I take that path again.
Thanks so much for this blog, a real life-saver.
Here’s a sad fact: if my soul destroying, esteem crushing, angry, punishing asshole of a human being ever called me again, I’d be in real danger of running straight back into his arms and giving my life to him, even though I am dating the sweeting most sincere man ever.
Aunty Alex,
You’re blog is a ray of sunshine in my day! Your humor is priceless and sorely needed after the experience with the disordered one. What an accurate article! Mine was VERY MUCH into mirrors. It wasn’t until I was in therapy and my therapist TOLD ME that the mirrors were there for him to WATCH HIMSELF, did I realize what that was all about. Boy did I feel STOOOOPID! I suspected as much, but at the end of the relationshit, it got WORSE! He videotaped us. When i watched it play back, I almost started laughing. When he had an orgasm, there was NO facial expression, but when faced to face with an orgasm, he looked PAINED. He also kept looking at the camera to “position” himself correctly. UGH!!! All during our relationshit, he was COMPLETELY INTO HIMSELF. I did ALL the work. He performed oral on me 3 times in ten years and hated doing it. I did all the foreplay. ALL of it ALL of the time. The last time we had sex, he asked me if this or that was what women liked. WTF? Oh NOW you’re interested in knowing what women like? Bastard. This was, of course, just before he landed another victim. I wonder how long it will be for new wife (met her off dating site, married her in five months), figures out how SELFISH he is. He sets up women with this MO (same line to each target, I had proof), “I would have done those sexual things with my wife (now ex), but I never got the chance” roflol! Never got the CHANCE in 17 years of marriage? Of course, this is “brilliant” if you’re naive and unaware, as he sets it up for you to “teach” him. UGH!!! He was very fragmented. He used sex as a weapon and as manipulation. He also withheld in both marriages. He did things out of “novelty” and only ONCE. The rest was predictable and mechanical, but the video thing was so revealing and absolutely shocking to me. I hope to God he taped over it with the new wife. I’m so glad to be out of that relationshit now!
I just have to comment to Kelli in regard to the mirrors. MINE TOO! I had a full length floor mirror that he’d sometimes position it to give him the proper view. And then any mirror anywhere, in the mall, dept.stores, he’d have to always look at himself any time he passed a mirror or a store front window where he’d see his reflection. And yes he’d ask what women like, what is it that I find most attractive about him,etc etc. And as Rae stated hers wanting another female, mine wanted another MAN to join us.Constantly would ask about that.And always asking about my previous relationships, wanting to know details of sex with them. And Case commented the pick a fight/break up.Yes! And then back together in a day or two.And oh yes he’d make ugly remarks and mean put-downs. I’m not the type to make such intentionally hurtful comments, but one time I threw one back at him; I made an intentionally mean nasty comment about something I KNEW would cut him to the quick. He actually physically recoiled from the pain of it. I said How do you like it?!’ Please don’t let that piss ass excuse for a man stop you from finding and enjoying a wonderful man who treats you like the angel you are! As I posted before, we actually had a good sex life. And he was very passionate.And he loved to cuddle and snuggle after. But yes there was some ‘weirdness’, a weird feeling sometimes, I attributed to the sex addiction. And the more and more I discovered, and all the other women. And yes absolutely anyone/everyone is fair game.He truely believes every woman wants him. And he still calls asking can we have sex (he lives with a new woman now). I stay strong and always tell him no. Honestly near the end, knowing he’d cheated so much, lied so much, and the years of such vile things said/done to me, the great sex life pretty much lost the sizzle for me. I’d always figured he owns his insanity and hateful evil ways, not me, and that we had a couple great things together, that I truely cherrished, so I stayed and I tollerated so much. It was just so not worth it. “Stalking the Soul” a great read. And this site! Very good for healing. Good to connect with others who’ve been thru the same. Helps me stay strong to not go back.
amazing … now i’m beginning to think there’s a subspecies of clones … i put an end to the mirror thing early on and i think he was afraid of me seeing through him so he didn’t push that or all the other things he suggested early on … but his wierd coldness alternating with hyped up sexuality and brief displays of affection had me completely confused … and why did he think i enjoyed it when he exhibited himself to me … HATED IT!!
Mine woulda been fine with another man too especially since no one in the entire world can match his ability to please a woman… ::rolling eyes:: I’ve often said my husband should just carry a mirror around with him so he knows someone is checking him out all the time!
I met mine in Second Life (virtual world) where he could be an avatar like a film star and make love as in the Kama Sutra. The truth about real life though? He struggles to do it. Sexual dysfunction. Virtual worlds like Second Life are now full of predators of this variety. They nearly always want to meet you in real life. Thank God I got out before he could do me any real harm. As it is I’ve got mild symptoms of PTSD and have nightmares about the swine. I know I’ll be okay in time. ALL the literature, I repeat ALL the literature says if you’re with someone like this, get out asap!
“Face it. Narcissists suck in bed.”
I can face it, but can HE? Nope.
Thank you for this blog post. From the bottom of my healed heart.
He talked a lot about the “another couple” thing, got us close to it one time, was so happy the next day he bought me flowers, then denied later that he had anything to do with it that it had all been my idea. Very mechanical and usually brief with no imagination. Need pharmaceutical help to get ready most of the time because he wouldn’t be able to get or maintain erection. Only wanted one position. Only wanted “it” when he felt like “it”. Actually blamed his inability to perform on me – said he had to get used to the way my body looked after children. Would never do “it” in unusual or fun places. What a waste of my time and energy.
Well what can I say? Coming a cross this page has bought tears, laughter, a boost, stomach renching realitiy. I have read a lot over the last 6 weeks, since establishing NC with the empty vessel. However, I must say this page has hit the spot in the frankness and realness. Thank you all for a great read before go to slumber. Thanks for giving me peace before I sleep all of you.
RR, I relate to exactly what you say and how you say it. If they were’nt Ns I would say they were the same person!!! hold on they are all the very same empty vessel, LOL
Unbelievably accurate!
Dear Aunt Alex,
It took me a couple of years to understand that the sexual component of the relationship with my precious toad had been the most traumatic aspect of it. He would simply never wait for me to be aroused, and sometimes hurt me, although I very much wanted to be with him. Having had no previous sexual experience, I thought that something was very, very wrong with me (and he hinted that – he is the devastatingly smart kind). He withdrew kissing after our first week-end together, leaving me to wonder what horrible thing I had done or had been to make that go away. He would never let me touch him (not openly of course, but come to think of it, the slightest attempt at initiating anything on my part was more or less subtly rejected). I was supposed to respond to his interest in a matter of seconds; foreplay consisted of him rubbing himself on me (naturally on the least responsive body-part he could find). I often ended up facing a mattress or a wall, whether I liked it or not.
Who would I have told that? I was, after all very much in love, and very much craving for his attention (I never lived with him, this was a long, long distance relationship). Worse yet, he is the very picture of reason, rationality and honesty to everyone else. I am absolutely certain that no one would believe that he could behave that way. I have learned since that I am very much not frigid and that intimacy will not necessarily fizzle after a man’s first few orgasms, but the scars are very, very slow to heal. On a bad day (and I’ve had many of those) I imagine every man as a shallow, cold lover. I sometimes slip back into this world view in which it is an unspoken rule that women, no matter what advances they may have made in other fields are not to experience their sexuality as such, but only as part of a man’s sexuality. Then I sober up and think that this is probably wrong.
And then I read your post and knew that I was not alone. That there is such a thing as a fully-fledged toad, even wrapped in the most prestigious degrees and positions.
I can’t begin to thank you for the sense of validation your no-nonsense approach has given me. I hope your life is as fulfilling as you deserve it to be.
Take care,
Fleurdecactus
EEEWWWWW! I am so glad I’m out! These people are very VERY attractive disguises of Satan!
This blog is an absolute Godsend to me too. All the behaviours are so accurate, it is unbelievable!!!! I keep trying to find reasons why this mess is all my fault when in my heart I know I am dealing with a soulless monster. The sex thing was one of the most baffling features of our so called relationship. I have been married to my N for nearly two years and I just have to escape before I lose my life completely. I too have lost all self esteem and sense of identity and seem to live in a state of confusion and fear. I know he has cheated and continues to flaunt OW in my face( and there have been many!) But he tells me he can”t help it if he has “charisma”Ugghh he makes me sick.He is the most selfish and self centred person I have ever met. His performance is all about him and always has been. I have endured four years of this crappy behaviour and now I have to get out. HELP!!!
Was it Buddha who said “The 1000 mile journey begins with the first step.”? You just took it, congradulations! Just remember DON”T LOOK BACK! But you will. You’ll look back, and then go forward, and then look back, and look back, and go back, and get out, and move forward and look back, go back, and kick yourself. But keep focus and keep moving forward, one step at a time. It took me a long time. From what I read, it takes everyone a long time. I decided to stop beating myself up, accept he is who he is, and knew I deserved better for myself, for my life. I’m no longer angry. It’s wonderful to let go of the anger, hurt, sadness, anxiety,stress, etc. And to feel sane, and on solid ground, and have self identity, to be me again! Wonderful feeling! And I am so so so much better now. I’m in a healthy relationship. I set boundaries, I maintain my identity, I have zero anxiety, I don’t have to walk on egg shells and question myself and all the stupid ass yada bs. I will admit I have a bit of ptsd.But I recognize it and deal with it very well. You too will get there.Always believe in you and your sanity. A friend of mine said “You’re sane, trying to deal with insane.It can’t be done.” How true! I accept there are insane ones in the world.And they can stay over there, while I stay over here, with the sane ones. This blog is a Godsend. I plan to buy the book with my next paycheck. Don’t give up! Keep moving forward, and acknowledge every step taken, pat yourself on the back cuz Lord knows he never did! Freedom is right round the corner sister!
My N very much flaunted the others on my face as a means to further torment me. They will hone in to your worst insecurities like a fly to SHIT, and use them to chip away at your self esteem until you virtually have none. Towards the end, I had become him….Saying very mean, hurtful remarks which I had never imagined I was capable of doing. This was the final straw for me. I simply refused to allow him to turn me into the souless vessel that HE is. Remember narcissism breeds narcissism. Get out while you still have your soul intact. LOL @ whoever said attractive disguises of satan. I couldn’t say any better myself
Holy cow did you nail this subject!!!
The lack of foreplay or cuddling after, a sense of disdain, a hurry up 2.5 minutes of his needs- you could set an egg-timer by my X.
The jumping up immediately after and running off to do something- more important- than be intimate- the utter lack of emotional or spiritual intimacy…
The first thing that happened once I finally got free of him was that my sex life got MUCH better!
Oh my (Greek) god, thank you for this article. I wondered what was wrong with me and now I know it was just having sex with him
Surprisingly, this article does not describe my exN at all!! :S He really was amazing in bed and was a very generous lover. To be honest- it’s what I miss most about being with him (as bad as that must sound). I now find myself wondering if my ex was actually an N if others describe Ns as sexually selfish and useless in bed.
And disturbingly enough, I introduced my ex to mirror sex- he’d apparently never done it before. But once I got him into it, he loved it.
I will note though: that I was rather concerned about my ex’s sexuality. He quite often bragged about being a gay magnet. Most guys I know would NOT boast about that, let alone admit it!
He was also quite addicted to the sex we had (which was every day unless I was on my monthlies.. TMI? Sorry!) and when I withdrew it when I found out I was pregnant (for fear of miscarriage) he got extremely irritated at me and I believe it’s a significant part of the reason he up and left.
I believe my ex to be more of a narcissistic sociopath anyway and I’m pretty sure sociopaths are mentioned to be generally be very sexual. So that could be why the above just doesn’t fit.
I want to reply here,because my ex-N was considered by me very great and generous lover and it was kinda a reason I doubt to “file”him like a narc. He manifested all other symptoms; lies,ALL promises broken,gaslighting,denials,rationalizations,childish rage when confronted about his behavior-he covered all points of being a toad EXCEPT the sex.Allthought he was almost always in hurry after. Well,right before to break up with him I first found out that after the sex with me,when he went “to wash” – he had always a masturbation session into bathroom-having sex with his loved one LOL. Couple days after finding out that fact,I had with him a conversation about a book and by the way,comparing him with that character I said: you are a great lover! His reaction was a wide smile on his face and he dropped: Yes,isn’t it? All -and he pointed by names his cheatings I knew about, state the same about me too! It was the end of MY sexual life with him
oh boy – I am even hesitant to comment under this article – he was the most twisted, deviated, perverted being I have ever encountered!!! He thought it would be very erotic to screw a woman 9 months pregnant – I am sure the poor woman wouldnt agree – he never was married and he never had children – the toad would have been great in the delivery room eh – that’s right they lay eggs dont they – he was into Golden Showers (high form of degrading) begged me to have group sex – which I never did and this severely frustrated him – called me a prude because of my firm NO stance on this – called me insecure, unstable and jealous – had to pop in a porn tape during sex, had to listen to some porn actress moan and groan during our sex – and he wasnt bisexual, homosexual he was ANYTHING sexual – didnt matter if they were 18 or 80 – teenager, man, woman, fat, thin, pretty, unattractive, ……. anything that gave him attention and worshiped his reptilian god complex was fair game.
He gave a few grand performances in the beginning and the pretending of the bonding and connection and how special I was and how much he loved and cared for me – but he was a pimp only testing out his latest target that he was hoping would bring him other opportunities – He would triangulate me with his live in GF claiming SHE swings and SHE is open and SHE is not a jealous insecure person – which was all BULLSHIT – if you have all these experiences with her then WHY pressure me so much for it – his croak answer was: well she and I are so busy with work that we dont have time – ha ha ha ha – I know this toads MO – he is CLASSIC SEXUAL PREDATOR TOAD!!!! Glad he is sitting on her door knob and not mine, glad I never ever lived with the parasite – he was nothing but a rapist that wore a well crafted persona to hide a sick agenda –
Mine read the series which takes place in San Francisco in the 70s with straight gay bi everything sex Tales of the City and within a few days said he was a 60s hippy and wanted free love with lots of women maybe men and me to stay an his official one the others would just be for sex. Frightening…and kind of funny! Good riddance…I have had better lovers though both also Narcs…Making love instead of sex would be nice!
Hahaha you just described my ex
Thanks for this article and thread!! It’s AWESOME!!
My toad was hypersexual for the first couple of years. The sex was all about HIM, of couse (yawn). I wasn’t as sexually experienced as he was and he took great pride in incessantly ‘instructing’ me about sex. The sex was plentiful but so very mechanical, empty and seriously lacking any emotional aspect. I remained faithful and hopeful he would miraculously ‘change’. Eight years into a rocky, live-in relationship with my toad, he then boldly expressed interest in seeing me with other men and sordid homo erotic fantasies, including participating in a “full out orgy”. He insisted that I needed to experience other men’s penises (?!). At first I thought he was kidding, because it was so bizarre. Then I found out he’d been cheating for years and was currently sexually involved with his coworker. Of course he denied EVERYTHING, lied his toad face off and even tried gaslighting me about various things. I backed a truck up to the house while he was in the hospital and took ALL of my stuff. I thought that would cure me, but, sadly, I was hooked on sex with my toad. I went back for more. Since I had emotionally separated from him, sex with my toad was the best it had ever been. But, of course, it still lacked normal couple bonding and emotional warmth. I am attempting “no contact” with my croaker. I realize I deserve so, sooooo very much more. Wish me luck!
Holy crap is this post accurate. Until recently, I’d always thought the problem was me. I spent so many years buying sexy outfits, going on diets (to slim my already slim body), reading up on techniques, etc. etc. to no avail. Not only was he terrible in bed, but he had a serious female and shemale prostitute habit too. He was the most selfish fuck I’ve ever met.
I said something to my now ex N the last time we ever slept together which I now realize must have flipped him out. I told him women fake orgasms all the time and he asked, “But if she’s really wet she can’t fake that.” I replied, “Yes,she can any woman can fake anything.” i think I destroyed his illusion regarding his ability to control thru pleasure…I felt like he was asking advice to use on his next victim yuck and haha! I love when our honesty inadvertently ends up messing with their head:)
ha, what an idiot – guess he doesnt know just because a woman is wet does NOT mean she has had an orgasm- now HE on the other hand gives evidence he has had an orgasm every single time – no getting around that one. Like the saying goes – women can fake orgasms like these men can fake their love and who they are. – but no harm done in faking an orgasm as apposed to what THEY do – hey they destroyed the illusion they fed us the least we can do is destroy their sexual illusion that they are GOD in the bedroom – FAR FROM IT – they have no clue what REALLY is the key to satisfying a woman, oh they can fake it for awhile but it starts LONG BEFORE the bedroom –
O.M.G. vivigive! That is EXACTLY what I said to my last ex psychopath when I slept with him the last time too! LOL! He said to me, “What do women like?” WTF? After TEN years with me and you have to ASK that?? F*CK YOU!! That’s not what I said, but I was thinking it. So he said this in the MIDDLE of sex. It was meant to hurt me, as these guys are tremendously sadistic! The question was almost an “honest” one because I had spent the last ten years, satisfying HIM. What an asshole! So I said, “Why do you ask that?” He said, “Well, I just want to know if women fake it”.
“Well,…yea….I’ve only had three orgasms since I’ve been with you. I’ve faked it, it’s not hard to do when she’s not getting all she wants, but think she has to please him all the time” I said sweetly. hehehehehe…..he wanted me to use my vibrator SO bad with him, but I just could not bring myself to do it. I’m not a prude, but I knew this asshole was objectifying me and I wasn’t going to give him the PLEASURE of having anymore deviant sex after what he’d already had from me. i’m SO GLAD I didn’t do it! There is so much emphasis on sex in the relationship as the ultimate bandaid. They do it to control women because they know how most of us bond. But for them, it’s just another vagina…
exactly, the masturbated with our vagina’s – that is all it was – they cant actually feel that there is a human being attached to our body parts; and thats another thing my body parts were referred to in such a vulgar manner, tits, P—y, etc……. I dont expect him to talk like the skunk pe pe le pu – but come on – use words that make me feel like a worthwhile real human being as apposed to some blow up sex doll or prostitute – it was all the time – never any loving references or words regarding my body – what a TURN OFF – if I wanted to date a porn director I would have looked for one and been in porn movies – NOT MY STYLE and NOT my idea of being loved, respected and cherished –
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Absolutely Brilliant!!!!
Hi Kymm…still going thru it with Scott….reading, reading, reading….taking a psychology class and realizing how sick this is making ME!!!
My ex partner was exactly as described above. He would just lay back as if it was entitlement to have oral sex. He barely touched or kissed me ever. Very cold, very selfish. What used to make me laugh is he actually called it making love, what a joke. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
My narc was a fantastic lover, i am myself highly sexed, ithink thats how he stayed so long before he devalued and disgarded me. He liked quite dirty and disrespectful sex, then he would hold negative feeling about me and degrade me in his mind. Almost hate me for tuning him on! He hss cheated he is addited to text sex and online filth, but it seems even when u give them what they want they still find something to moan about. He would always blow hot and cold,on,me, sometimes with hold sex after being hypersexual with me. He told me he hated me because i cheated on an ex more that ten yrs ago, as if id done that to him! We split for two yrs he stalked me harrassed me couldnt live with out me, so we got back only,for me to be idealised and devalued in the space of six months! Me and our children have been very much damaged by this selfish childish man.
They are everywhere. However fascinating this disorder may be, my advice to any woman who finds herself involved with one of “them” ” Toads ” is to run. Just run. Depending upon the degree of pathology which defines Narcissism,( it is usually a spectrum of several disorders, A&B clusters according to the DSMIV) you could find yourself facing more than you have already experienced, (none of it real or meaningful on the N’s part) and since they are never happy at losing, so to speak, always imagining themselves to be winners, and ususally have very long memories which they tend to alter to suit whatever ill feeling they may accumulate toward you, they are not likely to allow you any kind of a “good” end or parting. There truly is no “there” there with a narcissist.
On our very first date we were taking a romantic stroll along the river walk in our city when we stopped to kiss. After the kiss he says, OMG, I have a huge wet spot now. What a thing to tell your date! I barely knew the guy. But I responded calmly and acted like it was nothing and reassured him saying, well, that happens, you’re human after all — but he just kept talking about it – probably all made up to gage my reaction. On our second date, we met at his son’s game and after some time kissing he tried to dry hump me against my car. He then takes my hand and puts it up his shirt so I can feel his nipple ring. He asks me what I think. I’m like, well, what do you want me to say? He says that his nipples are extremely sensitive and it just makes sex better for him if his nipple is played with during sex and the ring makes it even more sensitive. I told him I wasn’t into piercings, but that wasn’t too terrible. Then he says, well, I have another one, and points to his penis. I’m like, OK, any more? No he says, but I also have a tatoo. He shows me a tramp stamp with a Chinese character that I now believe said “enter.” ( I had no idea what it said at the time, and looking back now, I remember I asked, but he changed the subject.) All of this was strange and odd to me and I really didn’t know what to think or did I know anything about such piercings or tattoos. I had been married for over 30 years and when I got married no one in my group of friends was into such stuff. So, when I got home from the 2nd date, I researched this stuff on the internet. What I found grossed me out and I started crying when I saw photos of the penis piercing – how and why would someone do that to himself? What did it mean? I was very upset and decided to ask him about it. The next day he called and I told him I needed to discuss something with him. He immediately freaked out and accused me of wanting to break up with him. I said no, I just wanted to talk to him about something in person. He then accused me of seeing someone else. Again, I said, no, I am not seeing someone else or breaking up, but there is something I want to talk to you about face-to-face. The very next day, I was headed to the airport for a business trip – he said had to know what I wanted to talk about so he would meet me there. He parked his car and I picked him up in mine, so we could park in the long term garage for a bit where we could talk before I had to catch my plane. He got in the car and immediately clung to me like a little child and begged me not to leave him. Finally, when he calmed down I told him I wanted to ask him about the piercings. I told him that I looked them up on the internet and that a lot of people said that gay guys did that to increase their pleasure. He says, are you accusing me of being gay? You think I am gay? I said, I am not accusing you of anything, I just want to understand why you would do that. He say it was a way for him to rebel, since he has to be so straight as a cop. I said I didn’t get that — was it that it made sex better? No he says, it didn’t really mean anything. He just wanted to do it. I was like, so one day you just decided to get your nipple pierced and your penis pierced, just for the heck of it? Yep. Was it to please another woman? No, not really. Why would you think that? I again said I Was just trying to understand why he would do it. He just said it meant nothing and I was making more out of it than I should. I said, well, I am not comfortable with it and it grosses me out quite frankly, especially since it has been inside other people. He says, no problem, I will remove them as soon as I get home. And he did. But of course, he never gave me a straight answer to any of my questions. As for the tatoo, I asked about that, too, and he says lots of guys get them. I’m like,not in that spot. He says, sure they do. Hmmm. Of course, I let it all go. Then comes the day when we finally have sex. I am very sensitive about my body, because I have several scars from recent heart surgery and gall bladder surgery (neither of which he ever asked about) and from some breast surgery a few years back and a c-section many years ago. I’m also still tryng to lose the weight I gained from the year I Wasn’t allowed to exercise before the heart surgery. He says, let me tell you, I have f***ed many girls of all shapes and sizes and it doesn’t matter to me. I Wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse about having sex with him. Anyway, the day comes and he comes to my house. When he arrives he immediately says let’s go to the bedroom. He announces, “today is all about you baby.” I of course am thrilled that he want to please me. He starts to give me oral, but stops in the middle and decides to F***. It was ok, but I never did get an O. He F***ed me 3 times that morning. He told me that he had never done that ever before, how amazing it was, how much I turn him on, how great it is that we can do that for one another, how well he fit in me and that it bodes well for our sex life together. I never did get an O, even though it was all supposed to be about me. I think I was too embarrassed and shy at the time, being a new couple, to say so. After we showered and got dressed, we hung out in my living room for a bit and he says, there is something important I need to talk to you about. I’m like, ok, what is it? He tells me that he has low testosterone and has problems getting it up. I start to say, well, we just did it 3 times, and he shushes me and orders me to listen. He goes on and on about how his doctor told him he should use androgel and he is worried about prostate cancer and blah, blah, blah. I said, I think you’re fine, it must be in your head, because you just performed fine. He says, no I didn’t, I took viagra before I came over here. Bam. The next time I see him is at his apartment. I am sleeping in his room and he is sleeping in the living room. After his son goes to school, he comes and joins me in his bed, but lays next to me like a dead man and doesn’t touch me. I try to curl up and get close to him and start kissing on him, rubbing on him, trying to come on to him. Nothing, no reaction. I say, what’s wrong, don’t you want to make love? He jumps up and starts yelling at me saying that not all guys are always interested in sex all the time. I’m shocked and say, hey, we just started going out, I thought it was normal for new couples to want to have sex and be together as much as possible. He tells me I am wrong and causing drama and heads off to take a shower. I lay there for a bit, confused, but then decide, OK, I will go get in the shower with him. He lets me in, but tells me no sex, he just wants to get clean. He then tells me to scrub his back. As I am scrubbing it, I gently say, maybe the androgel would be a good thing. Well, my goodness, it was as if I told him he was a worthless POS or something. He freaks out, and tells me that is SO insensitive and how could I say that, and how cruel I am. Now I am totally confused, thinking I was trying to support him. He gets out of the shower and stomps away. I stand in the shower crying, wondering what I have done that was so wrong. After I finally get out and get dressed, I go downstairs where he is waiting for me. He immediately starts yelling at me, raging that he could tell me to get the hell out of his house if he wanted to, that he wasn’t going to be treated like that and giving him ultimatums and having unrealistic expectations. I sat there in shock and let him rage, wondering if I should just get up and leave, but not wanting to at the same time, because by this time I thought he was the best thing I ever had in my life. So, I let it pass over and stayed. Five minutes after he calms down he was hugging me and telling me how much he loved me. What?! So, the relationship continued on – crazy threats and breakups from him constantly. Sex was furtive and sneaky always. Whenever we f***ed, he would tell me that I had to come before he would — he would then tell me when to come – “do it now baby” – he basically ordered me to have Os and when. Sometimes 6- times in a row – “do what I say,” or “come now,” or “again, right now.” I always faked it, because it was easier than trying to get him to really satisfy me. Once I asked him to pet me afterward because I didn’t come and he did it mechanically and looked bored and mostly looked away during it. Kept telling me to get it done, because he had better things to be doing. Each time these things happened I was telling myself this was ridiculous, but I loved him so much that I would do anything he wanted. Whenever we had sex, he always got what he wanted, but afterward, no cuddling, nothing. Sometimes he would jump out of bed and admire himself in the mirror afterward. It was pretty mechanical. Just once he told me there was a difference between making love and having sex, and at that moment we were making love – but it seemed no different to me whatsoever. One time, when we were on a trip and staying in a hotel he asked me to give him a back rub, so I did – then he asked for a blow job. So I started it and thought I was doing a good job, when he said stop, and then pulled me up and f***ed me in front of the window. Afterward, I said it surprised me, because I thought he was a bit of an exhibitionist. He didn’t like that at all. I said, well, it was different and perhaps he had a bit of a kinky streak I hadn’t seen yet — he denied it, turned his back on me and started to go to sleep. He then rolled over and said he was thirsty and could I get him a bottle of water. There wasn’t any in the room, and he wouldn’t drink from the tap, so I had to get dressed and go to the hotel bar to buy some. When I got back he asked me what took me so long and I said I had to buy it in the bar. He grunted and drank down the bottle and then again rolled over with his back to me. I said, well, aren’t you going to thank me and tell me how much you love me? He says, why would I do that? I say, well, I just gave you a back rub and a blow job, you f***ed me in front of the window and then I went out and got you water, don’t I deserve for you to be telling me you love me? No, he says, there is no connection with any of that and telling you I love you – love doesn’t hinge on stuff like that. I was surprised and said, well, I know it didn’t hinge on that, but it would be a nice thing to say to your girlfriend after she goes to such lengths to make you feel good and to please you. He just grunted, “no, I’m tired go to sleep.” I responded, “well, I wouldn’t want you to say something you didn’t mean anyway.” I rolled over myself and cried myself to sleep. But did any of this stop me from loving him? No, I just forgave him and promised I would try harder to please him. I am such a fool. What was wrong with me that I tolerated this behavior? Of course, now that I know he is an N, I realize it had nothing to do with me, it was all about him, and, in fact, he probably was having bi sex. And to make things even worse, he is a detective in a special victims unit in his police department who investigates sex crimes such as sexual assault, incest and rape, child predators and child pornographers, and he is also the Department’s forensic computer specialist. Now, it makes me wonder what he is actually doing/hiding. Scares me really and I would bet any money that he is doing things he shouldn’t – criminal things in a position of trust. I wish there was a way for me to find out or to get someone to investigate him. But, I know if I did report him, he would come after me. Ugh. Makes me want to vomit. I also realize now that I need to get an HIV test. Because of him being a cop and telling me how he was such a good decent guy, I never questioned that he might really be doing something behind my back ( or in someone else’s back). I guess in my subconscious I thought about it, between the piercings and tattoo, but I dismissed those thoughts and concerns, gave him a pass and trusted him. I feel so violated. What an idiot I am!
No you dont want to report him for anything. Leave that alone and chips will fall where they may without your involvement. You have enough to do getting over the feelings of rejection you recieved from him. Keep reading these articles and get strong.
OMG – Alex bought your book and read it twice – very interesting but you have given me the answer on this website tonight as I saw the Toad dressed up as a woman……….and it completely fitted the puzzle I have been going over to find answer’s since he left last year, on my Birthday, for another woman. Nice – just kick u in the crutch and they sail-away to another dupe.
My husband was a true narc.
The sex was revolting to me…..he dressed up as a woman in the sex act- Red Flags were everywhere on the 1st date – wanted to wear my knicker’s….
He was sent to jail for rape on his ex-wife for 3 years. Said he didn’nt do it I belived him unfortunately……..His ex-wife lost her daughter to his lies and deceipt.
I know now who I should have believed.
Thought he would get better but it actually went worse….I was taking him to Charity Shops to buy him women’s clothes….OMG makes my skin creep out just thinking about it.
He dressed-up as a woman in sex and I did his make-up to please him –
more-fool-me – until I realised I could have been man,woman,anybody just to get him off. Yes, we had a large mirror in the bed-room on the floor
only looked at himself, never me. Then he started to want anal and I flatlely refused. When he had pleasured himself – just went to sleep – left his ladies clothes on the floor and hey-presto, woke up as a man’s man?
in the morning? He never wanted me when I wanted sex – too tired….etc.
Made me feel a total blow-up doll. Never any bonding together in bed, I felt more and more unloved and useless.
Think he could have sex with men and woman – whoever gave him attention. In fact I got a letter from prison from one of the in-mates telling me he was involved in a sexual relationship with one of the guy’s.
I totally believe it because they cannot be without attention in anyway, shape or – form.
Total liar’s ……..if they mouth is moving, they are telling lies.
Had numerous affairs within our marriage with anyone, anyshape, any gender methinks.
They will go on to wear another woman’s underwear……and involve themselves in more revolting sex acts.
Just glad he’s not wearing mine now.
They cannot bond or show intimate love to anybody.
He/be She/be/? What the hell are they?
Thanks for answering my question.
Peace & Love
“He/be She/be/? What the hell are they?”
Toads.
thank you
Mine didn’t like cuddling and didn’t like touching me intimately he would just stick it in then turn his back after the event. . He would keep this cycle up countless times blowing hot and cold. If we went out and had a nice time and got close I would pay for that the following day as he would ignore me for a week or more. Then he would reel me in again. Every day he was on dating sites. But I honestly don’t think he was sleeping with women very often, he liked game playing. He lives alone and likes his ‘own time’. If he did sleep with women would be lucky to hear from him for weeks. He would play head games on facebook trying to make me jelous and playing one woman off against another.
Also when having sex if I made even the slightest noise which showed I was enjoying he would stop.
Haha I have been so nieve – I thought that he wasn’t sleeping around that much but I am very much mistaken. I found out that he picks women up from the internet on a regular basis. So lucky I found out before he gave me something. Now found a lovely man who treats me well. So glad to be with a normal man and be in a normal relationship.
My ex-narcissist husband typically raped me in my sleep, at 4am. He wanted sex with the lights out, when he woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. When the lights were on, he never looked at me during sex or afterwards. Intercourse with no foreplay was his mo; he would lie next to me (usually not touching) and rub my clitoris after he was done getting off–that is, if I insisted and he wasn’t sleepy. He never asked what I liked and when I told him, he never seemed to “learn” or remember. He was the worst lover I ever had. Over time, I began to lose every vestige of my sex drive. It slowly came back only after he moved out.
Thank you for everything you do! I’ve been out of my 30 year marriage for 2 years now. Still having a difficult time understanding what really happened! My brain still wants to make him be a nice person. I’m here to say that brainwashing is real and very very scary! My (our) children want NOTHING to do with him! They describe him to everyone as EVIL. I read over and over how the narcissist/sociopath continues to make contact and how the survivor has trouble not talking to or meeting him etc. My ex continues to find excuses to call, or e-mail me for very stupid reason but from the moment I kicked him out I have been so afraid of him that I don’t EVER reply or talk to him. I can’t understand how I could have lived with him for 30 years and now can’t even see him or hear his voice without having a terrible anxiety attack!! It feels like it has been a natural thing to go no contact! It’s weird cause I still mourn him and suffer but can’t be anywhere near him! It doesn’t make sense in my head! Have you heard from survivors who feel the same way? Is it because the last time he devalued me was sooooo abusive and cruel? I just can’t figure things out. Any help will be greatly appreciated!
After reading this post in it’s entirety I am feeling sorry for myself! Looking back I was with one narc/sociopath after another. All 4 had some sick sex perversion. I thought love was a “giving’ thing, and “accepting” thing, so I accepted and worked on my problem of feeling sick about their problem and not wanting them to touch me! So I disassociated during sex! I felt numb. YUK! Now, I am free of them. Although they all have tried to contact me over the years…looking for more supply. Now, with FB and google you can find out so much about a person. I see what low-lifes they really are…in retrospect…The worst of it is the reoccurring nightmares of being violated. Feels like I was literally sleeping with the devil. I wonder if I am “marked” now and will never experience a truly loving relationship.
Ugh…great article Alex ..just reading something like this puts it all in place….I had always enjoyed sex but found the last few times I saw and then lived with him I had no desire at all and even went to the extent of visiting a naturopath to have my hormones tested!!!
thankfully as soon as my mind was free of him, free of the feeling that my slim body was somehow too fat, not limber enough, etc etc I am starting to feel back to normal. I hope so.
We had some good performances in the beginning but even then he went on an on and never eja#lated at all…tried to make this sound like a plus by saying it meant he could satisfy a woman…he was selfish from the beginning and expected orgasms during the act or did not feel appreciated…so I faked it from the beginning reallly..I had never had to do this in my life before. For a long time I deluded myself we had a great sex life but I think that was part of the illusion….I was taken in by him and attracted/repulsed by him..I was caught up in his games so of course I wanted him.
I always had to wear certain items of lingerie and was never dressed sexy enough…any plain cotton panties or non lacy items and he would complain…if I dressed up in lingerie he would enjoy ignoring me..
I visited him after some time apart and was surprised…our good sex life had all been in my head..he lay on the bed with his penis in his hand and that was supposed to get me interested. He was nothing but boring hard work and Im so glad to realise the reason I was not at all excited was because he was so boring and selfish. He wanted anal to and was only really excited if he was physically hurting me. The last time we had sex it was very frightening and rape like..
I am getting a restraining order on him.
Above all Im glad to realise it was not sex I was bored with. He was the most unfulfilling lover I ever had and the only one I ever faked it with.
Wow…wow…wow. It took me to get to the 3-year mark to finally search something about narcissists as bad lovers….voila, here I am. Late to the party but here.
The driver for the search was that I have been perplexed, and at times just plain pissed off, at his oddities…hot/cold, telling me *I* had said something, when it had been him, in a seeming effort to confuse me (it worked), then came the moment I knew something was just not completely OK: A pattern was developing. Our sex was crazy hot, he would be sooooo into it, we would be all over each other all night…then off to work, and each back at our respective homes. Seems ok, but then we would go days, weeks, with no word. I would leave a vm, maybe text, then when he didnt reply, I just ‘backed off’, wondering what had happened and the thoughts always came back to ‘what happened, what did I do’. When he finally felt like getting in touch, it was as though no time had passed at all…what the hell?
I will say that for the past, maybe, 6 months, he has not been able to maintain an erection, even when I do all the right things that he loves….queasy to say out loud that he usually ends up masturbating himself to an orgasm while he asks me to talk about how I could find another guy to join us and describe in detail how he is doing him and vice-versa…..that is how he has been getting himself off…he starts out hard, then….gone. Have you had this (maybe not the other guy talk, but the limpness issue)? I stay in shape, definitely dress the part, etc….no idea whats going on.
At one point, I began to pay closer attention to our conversations….oh wow, all him, all the time. If he did ask about my day, etc. the moment I took a breath it was back to what he was doing.
If he reached out to connect via text, vm, email and I didnt reply right away…he got really pissy that I was too busy for him or some crap….of course it was ok for him to go days, weeks with no word, but maybe an hour for me and he was just a jerk. Nothing physical, never, just pissy, passive-aggressive, catty crap.
I had given him a lot of leeway as he grew up with a drunk, verbally abusive father, so I did some reading on the adult-child and felt such compassion for him. All of that past stuff had shaped him and so I seemed to look past or excuse things…sigh.
The big one, though, was a recent phone call…we somehow got on the topic of sex and I was saying how much I enjoy our pre-dawn, spooning sex…not a word is spoken, all touch, etc. I had mentioned that (get your puke bag out) he knew my body so well, I barely had to move for it to feel amazing, then to fall back to sleep, spooning…..I love it, etc. etc. Yeah, sickening, I know. So are you ready for his immediate response? I had just gotten done with that sugar-sweet reflection and he says, very matter of factly, not at all mean…..”well, yeah, there is no need for you to move. You are basically just a cum-dump at that point”. I sat frozen, motionless for seconds before he said, “I said at that point, not always”….I dont even remember what I said or how that ended.
I have been single (no dating, no sex, just raising my kids) for 6 years before we met (we are each 45 and divorced with our respective kids). Clearly I am a bad judge of character.
I need some wisdom from my newfound Army. Alex, as I said to begin this post “wow”…so glad I found you.
Sign me confused and flat-out exhausted from reading to try and figure this out….dont hate me, but with all I have read, jeez, I kind of feel sorry for him….does he know he is a jerk? I must sound just pathetic….
That is so true … I feel much better knowing I am not alone with my thoughts on this subject. Looking back today over the last two years in purgatory I realize I am so glad he is gone … vibrators have more passion than a Narcissist. YUK.
And to think that this new shades movie craze is giving these creepy narcs even more ideas. My stomach turned at the interest with which the N i was dating took looking at the poster, he just about tripped over his own feet in a hurry to go look at it. He honestly makes me SICK. I find him loathsome and disgusting, and I no longer feel sorry for him.
My Narc Ex trained me to be submissive to him. He also made me feel guilty whenever I would reject for sexual activity. He would always tell me, “Just tell me if you want sex. I’m always ready for it. Of course, I know there will be times that you want it.”
Omg, just can’t stop reading this stuff….I now know we have all been dating the same Ars*hole. Mine was a short relationship (if you can call it that LOL). I just wondered what the hell just happened to me and then searched online for some kinda answer .I have educated myself on something I never ever want to happen to me again. I actually feel great and moving on in my life alone. I am working on myself and hope to god that I will see the signs if indeed I run into another N !!! Just really never knew that these men exsisted. The sad thing is alot of my past history with men, stepfather now makes sense. I think I have been (know
) that he was not the first in my life. Its almost like a lightbulb has gone on. I can see why people have treated me they way they have…….because they are the ones with the problems and not me! x
My sediments exactly! Your message is exactly my story!
Have been in NC mode for 46 days now. Second time around.
Had previously blocked him from calling the first time. Was just starting to feel good (after eight months NC), but he got through and I started up with him again! At this point, I know I can never have anything to do with this narcissist. In recovery, my confusion has turned to understanding (done much research), and my anger has turned to sympathy (poor, lost soul). Struggle to keep the focus on me. Still thinking about him. I know in time I will think of him less and less. Has been a huge learning experience. I too, have had other narcissists in my life (without realizing it at the time). I think my Father could have been one. I have to ask myself: why did I get involved with these types of men in the first place? Never again! I saw the red flags. Chose to ignore them. Why? I instinctively knew something was not right. Why did I not end it right there and then? If I could help him I would, but I can’t so I won’t even try. Narcissism is very serious. It will mess you up big time if you don’t get away and establish No Contact forever. I deserve an honest, loving relationship. If I never find one, then I’m much better off by myself.
Learning To Love Myself More
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for almost two years and knew him for two year’s through a friend. We met at a concert and we both were out of recent break up’s. He came over to my table and mentioned he had seen of Facebook I had parted way’s with my ex which was a friend of his. He literally turned on his charm and was everything I ever wanted until like everyone else started seeing sign’s something wasn’t right. He is the only man who ever brought me to orgasm and taught me I was actually multiple orgasms and sincerely enjoyed being the only man who was able to please me sexually. He told me he considered me a trophy wife and he normally wouldn’t go for my type because my look’s were out of his league. He was 38 and I was 48. Now he is 40 and I just turned 50. He has mentioned, encouraged, post Craigslist ads for us to have threesome’s with. He said the other person is considered a toy and we share the other person so it isn’t considered cheating, men or women it did not matter to him. During this phase of trying to lure me to perform sexual acts with him, he was charming, sexy, and our sex life was amazing. He knew I was shy and my few sexual encounters were with my husband and partner’s at the time that I loved. Never a meaninglessness sexual encounter. But yet, he pressed harder to get me to stray from my standards or moral’s he would so bash and go in rages on me. I am still with him because I am just now learning of this disorder. He makes me feel insecure, needy and now has begun wanting to take over my finances. I truly believe he has brainwashed me and tried to take total mind control so I will submit to him and him only. I am faithful and love with my entire heart until someone does me wrong. Since I must be in the stage where he senses he is losing his control over me, he is trying to pull out all of his ” so called” tricks and lure methods to hold on to me and I believe he may be capable of going to extreme measures to get me to have a threesome or something he knows he could use against me for black mail. I sometime sense a evil feeling and a cold, green eyed stare that will make my skin crawl. When he senses I am nervous and in thought, the sweet, loving, sexual god returns to sweep me off my feet. This site is helping me because I thought as he loves to point out that I am the one who is crazy. I really can’t believe I could have fell for something so evil and non loving. I am successful in my career and a loving mother, grandmother and daughter. I stay in shape and am told I look ten year’s younger. But with that said, at my age and if he really is a Narcissist I will be all alone in my latter year’s and not have true love.
Please help me- Although I feel he is being untrustworthy and seen his Craigslist and people lurking, I don’t have solid proof and he stays two steps ahead of me at all times. So on any given day I go from he really loves me and needs me to who is this rude, heartless, cold man.
Thanks for all of the post.
Hey….I know that the majority of Narcs are male but I dated a female Narc for 8 months…….great article though…….Sex was below average for sure with her, it seemed like she was very unskilled….never initiating actual sex but would verbally (texting) lead me to believe that we would have sex( and then we would not)….by the 6 month there was zero intimacy, no kissing , no making out….2 months later I was basically a “Human Vibrator” to her ….it was terrible.I could never get a compliment about me or my physical appearance….I felt she was totally un-attracted to me. I asked her about total lack of intimacy etc…….no answer.
I set “boundaries” early on in the relationship. The 1st 3 months were heavenly(other things besides sex)….at least we were having sex…..funny thing is right from the start there was never any cuddling/intimacy after sex……she would just start talking ….Anyway…….my 3rd talk with her in a 40 day period (mid-July to end of Aug) was in vain…sex was all for her and nothing for me. I had to let it/her go but I never really have . She (They…..Hypo Narcs) just don’t like sex….it’s just a means to keep the partner around . It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
The worst thing is I don’t think she is remotely aware of what is happening and why . I was without a doubt the best “supply” she ever had and we talked seriously about marriage . Extremely charming and attractive ……Hooked me early and honestly I had her hooked too but mine was not “bait” I loved the daylights out of this girl. And when I knew I could not do it any longer I read tons of articles about NPD and that’s when I felt crushed & used and that it was a total facade/mirage/fake relationship.
Worst thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life …..finally falling head over heels in love and realizing it was fake……I say “fake”……I really believe she loved me but only to the level she could possibly reach…….
Anyway…….
Oh my goodness. After reading so much on ur site, im convinced im dating a narcissist. Im stunned &feel so hurt, 2 say the least.
He is such a LIAR. ..HE HAS NO REMORSE WHEN I PROVE HE HAS LIED. HE IS ALWAYS SAYING HES BROKE, EXPECTING ME 2 PAY 4 MEALS,BEER, ETC. HE ADMITTED AWHIKE BACK HE WAS VAIN, THAT GOT MY ATTENTION SO I ASKED HIM IF I HAD HEARD HIM CORRECTLY, HE SAID…YES.. HE MADE PLANS 2 GO OUT OF TOWN 4 BOUT 16 DAYS BUT HE SHORTENED HIS DAYS CUZ I TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS SELFISH & LATER TGAT DAY HE ADMITTED THAT HE WAS EGOTISTICAL &SELFCENTERED…. IM BAFFLED CUZ IM PUTTING ALL HIS BEHAVIORS TOGETHER &IT ALL POINTS 2 SEVERE NARCISSIM. HES ALWAYS GLUED 2 TGE T.V. AFTER WORK. SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH….WHEN HE RETURNS, IM TELLING HIM THAT ITS OVER….
Mine was so awful….I checked up characteristics on line…BIRDERLINE Personality Disorder….all narcissist sociopaths. They murder your emotions. My ex now uses a doll for sex….sickening. Yewwwww. Anyhow run…see the next woman/women as victims and be lucky U r out. When we attract these men, we need healing…use it as a gift to learn where you might be at emotionally, get help, otherwise you will keep attracting them. Healthy people attract and recognise healthy people as opposed to defaulting back to the same old ….
Great post! Couldn’t descibe it any better with such an awesome sense of humor! So true! Sex with the narissistic sociopath I was with was the most disappointing. I naively thought it would get better and bought his stories that he was “so quick” because it had been so long. After awhile I “wised up” a bit and he didn’t get exactly what he wanted until I got some first…at least it was more than at the start! I’m so happy the whole realtionship is over now! There’s not much to miss after a relationship with a sociopath…and sex is probably at the top of the list of things I don’t miss about him!
I became sickened by my ex husbands demand for constant sex, he literally woke up with it in his hand..and went to bed like that at night. If I were to want something, as simple as a back rub, instead of sex sex sex…I was being selfish, ignoring his needs..bla bla bla.However, he thought he was entitled to sex anytime, anyplace..and in the end…with anyone he could have sex with. It was sex, that made me realize, he didn’t care at all about me or my feelings. When I tried to express my feelings, about not wanting to do the things he was interested into doing, he would literally explode with rage, not caring how that affected his own family..or that his loud mouth had gotten us evicted from many homes.It also helped me to realize, it was something very wrong with that type of behavior, nobody in their right mind, says or does things to act like he had. things just got worse and worse with his behavior.
I had enough of him, couldn’t take anymore of his lack of empathy..and having to do everything his way. My opinion never counting, or never wanting to be heard. I was just expected to comply, that was all. I guess he knew the end was coming, that’s when he really tried to force his sexual demands onto me. That’s also when i discovered his dark, sick secret. He had been sexually assaulting women and young girls, while they slept. He had assaulted a good friend of my family, while we spent the night at my families home one weekend. I suppose he was afraid of her exposing him, which she did…about a week later. That act he committed, set in motion a frenzy of strange, wild behavior. All of a sudden, we had to move out of town, no good reason…he just said so. I wasn’t to question this, not at all..oh no!! I knew, in my heart…that he had done something terrible and was running. I called my sister, where the assault had taken place and talked with the woman, who’d been assaulted by him. She then tells me what he had done to her. she tells me that he literally crawled on his hands and knees, to her bedroom…and tried to do things to her, he thought she was passed out on alcohol and weed. That is what done it for me! only, i had to pretend that everything was ok, that i had not found out what he had done. It was more than apparent, when i told him, i had called my sisters house and spoke with my friend…that he was nervous. He started trying to talk her down, call her crazy and a druggie. he also said he didn’t trust her, that she told lies all the time…how ironic! I rememeber telling him, that i thought she was a very good person, who told the truth, not lies..I said she had never lied to me! I ended up leaving him, after 11 years of hell. He had been exposed, for what he was…a monster! My friend didn’t have him charged, she had some issues with bad checks…and was afraid of going to jail herself. However, he would commit that very same act again. Even the crawling on his hands and knees was repeated, down his mothers hallway, into his niece’s bedroom! He did get charged with that, although his enablers rallied behind him and gave him support..while he and they denied, blamed others..and played him off as the victim. There was no telling, how many victims that it was. If he could do that, he could do anything..and would. The mother, of the child assaulted, confronted him to his face about what he had done to her daughter..he slapped her, assaulted her as well! This was about 5 years or so, after i left him. You just never know people, especially these kinds of people. They hide who they are, what they are about..making you try to see them as someone else, someone they are not. It wasn’t until I knew, it was nobody else..just a fabrication of someone he wished he was. When i literally became repulsed by him, in public, trying so hard to make him be seen as someone else, someone I didn’t know…it was time to go! I knew what to expect before I left. I knew I would be blamed for everything, i just let that roll off my back…and thought of the source. I didn’t allow fear to keep me from leaving nor making me return to him. I cut off all contact…and that was that!
If they have strange sexual issues, pay close attention to them, don’t ignore your feelings. You have those feelings for a reason, use them..Even when someone else ignores them, don’t you ignore them, make them count! You might be the only one who cares about your feelings, but trust me…that’s all you need sometimes…is that one person, yourself!
HA! What a perfect article. You perfectly described what sex with a psychopath is like. I dated a psychopath and in the beginning it was very intense because he wanted me to believe he was the sexiest man alive. Before too long he began to ignore me. If I initiated it, he would turn me down. What he never wanted to turn down was “swing” parties. He just love having sex with strangers. That was his preference. Or, he would surprise me with a stranger who would show up spontaneously at our door to have a threesome. When I asked why he would do that he explained: ” I love you so much that seeing you be pleasured by another man would make me happy.” I never quite understood that. What I did come to realize is that he would have sex with anyone at any time, gender or species did not make a difference. I was lucky to get out of that relationship alive. This guy was so sadistically deviant he could not grasp the concept that sex between parent and child could never be consensual. I feel so sorry for the woman he is with now. I hope she survives.
When I first met my ex-husband, i felt really sorry for him. he told me about his mother abandoning him by putting him in boarding school at the age of 6, his father had another family with his mistress and , when the affair was discovered, the father moved 8 hours away. He told me he had had horrendous bullying at school because of his ‘ginger’ hair and all of his girlfriends had cheated on him and his first wife had beaten him up. He had lost all his money but had found spirituality and when I met him he was trying to become a better person, selling crystals and offering healing treatments. I felt sorry for him because he seemed lonely. He used to telephone me and ask if he could come round which I thought was odd but he seemed so needy, I felt bad and so would let him come round. Afer a few months, my relationship broke up and I was devastated, he was around and eventually we fell into a relationship. For the first year , I couldn’t believe how many similarities and coincidences there were. By then he had convinced me that I was his ‘Twin Flame’ and that we were destined to be together. After a year we got married. The sex was never really the thing. He had erectile dysfunction and would frequently lose his erection mid-way through. He would then try again a while later sometimes 3 or 4 more times until he was able to ejaculate. At the time, I just thought that as the relationship settled, he would be less earnest with the sex. It wasn’t something that particularly bothered me. After I became pregnant things changed. We no longer had sex, he just wanted to masturbate on me. At the time I was nauseas all the time so did not really think about it but I now realise that by becoming pregnant, he had stopped idolising me and masturbating on me was a way of devaluing me. it got worse after I gave birth. I would wake up to find his head between my legs giving me oral sex. If I did not respond or refused to carry on, he would start shouting so loud it would wake the children. I would then wake up to find him having sex with me and trying to coerce me to continue . As soon as he ejaculated, he would call me a whore or a slag or a dirty bitch who never says no and if I refused, he would scream and rant and rave. The sleep rape/sex would happen every night sometimes 3-4 times a night. He would initiate sex as soon as we went to bed but would, quite soon, lose his erection. He would then wake me up a couple of hours later and try again. Quite often he would lose his erection again and he would start becoming angry but would then go to sleep. AT 4 am he would usually wake up and go downstairs for a shit. He would take his book with him and then be there 1/2 hour . He would then come up around 5 am and get back into bed and try and have sex with me. If he still had not ejaculated by then, he would try one last time at 7 am, when the alarm clock went. Sometimes he would wake me up, sometimes I would just wake up to find him having sex with me. There was other stuff going on at the time . The sleep rape was just a part of the narcissistic abuse that was going on. Its been a year since I divorced him. To keep me from saying he raped me etc, he has said everything under the sun to discredit me with the police, the courts, social services etc. but I stayed strong even on the days when I just wanted to die. I was criticised for not being able to put my personal feelings aside to parent our child. I was not able to do that. The only thing I could do was to break all contact as, without that, I would not have been able to mother my beautiful daughter as I honestly felt he was out to destroy me. He surrounds himself with damaged women who are seeking help through spirituality. He used to brag that there were always women willing to listen to him talk about the healing powers of crystals and that when he gave them a healing session they would always come back for more and that he had been ‘chosen’ to help these women with their ‘ascension process’. Im out of it now but I shudder to think of his next victims.
This is spot on. I always felt like a sex toy to him when we were intimate. Never had a orgasm with him,never. Got more pleasure from a toy than with him. Just a waste of time. The whole act with him felt like a lie and it was. N0 emotions on his part, Finally I cannot do this anymore ——- wasted energy. Got to the point where it was just a chore for me to service him. I got nothhing out of it. Glad it’s a done deal after finally me going no contact. I had forgotten what it was like to be with a real man. And there was definitely no foreplay.
hahaha!!!!!!!! talk about putting things into perspective. If you ever write a book, I’m buying!
Thank you so much for this article. I was just questioning why I seem to have lost my once very high sex drive and this article has hit the nail right on the head. He’s so selfish in bed amongst other things that I’ve completely lost the desire to have sex with a man at all. If his penis comes out and I don’t call a marching band and the paparazzi to adore it, he’s instantly angry, be it when sleeping after a 16 hour day or being up with our teething baby, it doesn’t matter, if theirs an erection, wow! It should be worshipped. As long as he’s taken care of day and night and can keep his various dating sites for attention, all is good in the world. Women don’t have needs right? And I should add, he gets it at least once a day. No not sex, just him lying back and enjoying himself. He doesn’t enjoy it if he has to do anything. I want out so badly but my lovely narcissistic personality is quite scary to deal with.
The charming man I once fell in love with, quickly turned into a controlling, selfish and self esteem absorbing pit. I love our baby, which is why I feel stuck (if I try to leave, he threatens to run off with her) but one day I hope I’m not too damaged from all of this to accept and give real love to a man who deserves it again.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. I don’t feel so alone in it all.
Thank you. This is the truth.
As soon as he had an orgasm, he would immediately JUMP up out of bed and leave. It was so odd, I ask him why he did that and i said just lie here a minute and relax. They are terrified when the tiniest feeling of intimacy enters their consciousness they run from it. When we had a particularly passionate session, he would jump up and leave for several days because he almost felt something.
Sex was the only time he tried to please me, but even then it was all about him. He seemed completely unaware that i could have an orgasm also.
How do you escape from these monsters? I have 6 children and every time I try to leave he knocks me up again. I even had tubal ligation and another pregnancy resulted! This article is so accurate it was painful and funny! He threatens to make all of our lives miserable so I stay for the children. But I’d give anything for a real, loving man to spend my life with.
This was a wonderful read, thank you for the laugh. I always felt used, like a blowup doll with the N. Was always mechanical, no emotions, selfish. As a form of control, he didnt want me to use toys or masturbate. Last time we were together, i almost cried because i felt used and it was physically hurting me, i told him after he came and rolled over: “That wasnt good…” (Yes, this was harsh, but after months of verbal abuse and sick games, i had enough). Well i think this killed his ego. He left me soon later. And his reply was “what is wrong with you down there???”. Of course, the problem had to be me. He gave me the BS that all the women he’s been with in his life always had an orgasm just through intercourse.Told him they were probably all faking lol We all deserve so much better than these idiots. Ive been NC for a few weeks. Not easy, but necessary. Reading all posts, getting more informed about narcissistic abuse really does help to move on.
You are so right. Thank you for this article. I have been with my children’s father for 7 years. I expect nothing from him. I have never received anything so there is not much to miss. I thank God for my 2 sons though. I also thank God that I am not married. Ft his article hit the nail on the head of what it is like to be with a narcassist. Lonely lonely lonely.
Great blog! Absolutely spot on with the sex-weirdness……ugh…….
Wow. Your article is spot on to my sociopath husband who discarded me 6 months ago. Red flags for 10 yrs , sex was always about him and he seemed to be gender confused or bi sexual , I don’t think he knew who he was ! The last year of our marriage , he would sleep rape me . Thru are monsters and we don’t ” see ” who they are until the mask comes off. Devestated me and I’m still traumatized . Thank you for your website.
I have found this to be the least discussed issue about being with a Narc. Glad I found this thread, because sex was one of the first “off” things I noticed.
When I made it known that I expected sex to be about intimacy and connection, he adapted but in true N fashion broke up with me soon afterwards!
Red flags were:
1. Couldn’t discern the difference between making love and “jackhammering”
2. Always wanting to orgasm somewhere ON my body
3. Demanded that I look at him while having sex, especially in the eyes
4. Would give instructions that were just plain fetishistic (stick out your tongue, let me see your teeth, etc.)
5. Forced fellatio
6. A steady stream of filth would pour from his mouth that would make a sailor blush
7. Admitted a porn addiction/lots of masturbation
8. Had problems maintaining an erection
9. Had problems with orgasming
10. Hypersexual–felt like I was more of a blow-up doll than a real person
11. Constantly tried to talk me into sex acts that I flat out refused to participate in under no circumstances
The kicker was that he waited until after we were already intimate several times before he admitted to me that he had an STD. I was so enamored with the creep by that time that I stayed with him!! And now I am paying the price. I did get the STD, except he lied about which one he had.