We’ve talked about this before, but it’s a huge component of the trouble with getting over these assclowns after a break-up — and that’s how easily he seems to move on. How light his step is after you break up, how easy it is for him to pretend that now, now that you’re not in his life, he is happier than ever and feels energy and radiance in every day. This is all while you feel like you’ve been hit by a logging truck and can barely form coherent sentences, so thorough and intense is your grief and pain. And it feels to you exactly how he wants it to feel to you — like he’s indispensable, unique, fun, healthy, awesome, and Mr. Right, and you’re doomed to a pit of misery, despair and depression without him.
OK, please join Aunt Alex as we take a closer look at this. Two people are together. Let’s call them Jennifer, and Assclown Narcissistic Douchebag Yakface (OK, we can call him “Andy” for short). Jennifer is a vibrant, emotionally generous woman. Andy is a narcissist who has no empathy, no ability to bond, and no burden of thinking of anyone but himself. Jennifer and Andy are going out.
Jennifer bonds. Andy only pretends to. Jennifer becomes emotionally involved. Andy only pretends to. Jennifer loves. Andy, ugh — he’d rather suck on moose mucous flavored fun pops.
Andy, because he’s an A. N. D. Y., breaks it off when he starts to feel he and Jennifer are too close, or she points out he’s not perfect, or he just feels vaguely bored one day and figures it must be the woman’s fault. Jennifer, not understanding what the heck happened, is devastated. Andy is not, because he was never truly invested in the relationship. So he carries on like things are fine.
There’s also something else happening here, and that’s Andy’s desperate need to pretend. Andy isn’t fine after the break-up. Not because he loved Jennifer and she was important to him, but because he’s a disordered trainwreck on the inside, and he’s constantly unsure how things look, what’s happening, whether he’ll get enough attention and adoration that day, and whether anyone at any time will ever actually make him decide anything or expect him to know how to pretend to feel. He’s anxious that he might not get enough worship. That’s a lot for one pathetic idiot to take on each and every day. But he’s going to pretend he’s doing fabulously, because: a) he needs to find a Jennifer replacement FAST and to do that he needs to look good, and b) it would never occur to him NOT to pretend that everything is terrific. Pretending is his life. Pretending is who he is.
My point here is this: Jennifer’s response to the break-up is real. It’s deep, and affects her, and it’s complex and emotionally strong. Andy’s reaction is just another narcissistic song and dance. 100% fake, totally meaningless, and utterly devoid of value. It doesn’t mean anything because it’s not tied to actual feelings, empathy and events. It’s only reflective of his need to bust his narcissist moves. It’s only about his desperation and his shallowness. It’s only about him, right this second, and what he wants, where he is, and what he’s doing right this second. What he can get out of someone this second, and who might be nearby from whom he can get it.
He eventually gets in touch with Jennifer again, because he wants some attention and adoration and remembers she gave it before. Now that they’ve been apart for a while, she’s not “regular” anymore — and “regular” is a very, very noxious concept to the garden-variety narcissist. He also wants to see that she’s been having a hard time without him; this makes him feel special. So, he looks her up, and he pours on the charm to try to get another fix of love from her. And if she’s been listening to Aunt Alex, she’ll do us the sweet, sweet favor of taking him back in without a hitch. Please, Jennifer. Get him away from us. Take one for the team.
OW! Hey, watch it with the rolled-up newspaper! Man, social workers can have surprising upper body strength……..
You’re writing is genius! Here I was having separation anxiety all weekend about my ex N and I get this email in my inbox this morning to make me smile and think, “Everything is going to be OK.”
Thank you again for the reality check and having is sound so real to me. You have no idea how much I needed to read this.
xx
Christine
I am having seperation anxiety from my N. It is unbearable. I feel so defeated I don’t even know where to start to get myself back to knowing I am better without him and can be strong again. I feel steamrolled and tossed like trash. Please help! I need more of this wonderful insightful advice to get me through what seems to be the most difficult time of my life. Thanks.
I am so sorry Emily and sympathize totally, as am in the same situation, having been tossed like trash by my N recently, too. It hurts. Bad. Your whole world is suddenly ripped out from under you and all you want to do is get back to being loved and loving someone in return. It is terribly difficult to come to terms with the fact that you were blindsided and that your N isn’t the person you thought he was – and that you aren’t all he said you were. You start wondering exactly who you are, whether you are attractive at all, and whether anyone will EVER love you. I feel like vomiting all the time, wondering how I allowed myself to miss the red flags and get sucked in, to be used and abused by a complete loser who then tossed me out and left me blaming myself for the relationship failure and thinking I was worthless. We are NOT worthless, and we did NOT create or cause the situation, nor could we do anything to change it. All I can say is what everyone else here says – no contact – don’t look at his FB page or any of his social network sites or try to see him or find out about him, even though that is exactly what you want to do. It will just get you even more upset and extend the time it is going to take to start to heal. I’ve read that you should be prepared for the N to try to reconnect with you at some point and that you should not respond, because he will suck you in only to hurt you again, but worse. I don’t know what your situation is, but I highly doubt mine will contact me, as I believe he has moved on to a new, fresh, and more exciting N supply. It is SO unfair, but he’s been doing this for years and knows how to move on and we don’t. Please know you are not alone. Find songs that make you happy or that talk about coldhearted lying a-holes, and try to sing along until the darkness lifts. It’s hard to even make a noise at first, but your voice will get stronger. I have been through the denial, and anger stages of grief, I think I am just about over the bargaining stage and have been moving into the depression stage of late. It’s hard to get out of bed, the loneliness is excruciating and I still find myself sobbing uncontrollably at times. I’m sure all this sounds very familiar to you. We need to realize it is going to take a LOT of time to deal with this, and will affect us forever. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to cry, don’t expect anyone else to understand what you are dealing with (unless they have been through an N relationship they can’t), and just put one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will start to see glimmers of light – and hopefully (for both of us and all the others dealing with this) there will be a silver lining and we will go on to find true love, not that fake stuff the N had us believing. Big, big HUG!!!!
Thank you for all that you wrote. I have a long road ahead as we all do getting past the fact that we meant absolutely NOTHING to these jerks. I wake up every day and say I CANT BELIEVE HE DOESN’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING WE HAD… I CANT BELIEVE SOMEONE CAN BE THIS HEARTLESS… and I still am in shock every day and it has been almost 3 months now. It feels as if this is never going to go away because you are left so tossed as if you were nothing and that is more difficult to understand than breaking up. This is awful and I thank you for understanding and feel for the fact that you are going through the same thing. I don’t think my N will ever come back again. He has made it clear that I AM THE FAILURE HE IS GLAD TO BE APART FROM AND CLAIMS THAT I DESTROYED EVERYTHING WE HAD AS HE SITS THERE WITH ANGEL WINGS ON… It is terrible. I have not heard from him and don’t think I ever will. Hugs to you as well.
Emily,
I feel your pain. It’s been 3 weeks for me and luckily, this FINAL break up was the easiest compared to the many I had endured in the last year with this A-HOLE. Like you, I’m in shock to believe someone you loved very much can be so heartless and cold. After I broke it off, (despite the fact that he made it out like it was his idea all along), mine contacted me off and on for 2 weeks via emails and texts for stupid excuses – no apologies nor mention of the break, as if nothing had happened. I NEVER replied to any of this attempts. The final text I received was just a little under a week ago where he apologized for keeping things from me and how he truly cared about me, but at the end of his text, he (as usual) slanted it so it would appear like I was the one to blame, therefore all he can do is just move forward now. I will tell you what has kept me strong – and I HOPE this helps you…Reading the venomous emails and texts he’s spewed at me, the shock and hurt I felt from all the verbal abuse (disrespectful name calling) when I called him out on something so simple and innocent, the twisted lies and his constant making no sense, the put downs and diminishing all my accomplishments and successes (as if they were negatives) as he tried to make me feel less than so he can feel greater than (ENVY); all the evil name calling (when we’d argue) and all the times I cried (silently) while sleeping next to him yearning for his touch or an embrace. As I look back, he made it seem like I was the crazy one (in his rages, he’d call me a nutbag!) and for a while there I thought I was going crazy because his actions vs words did not make sense to me. I found myself letting things go just to not fight. I was always afraid to talk to him, I walked on eggshells for this A-hole – not a way to live! As I read more and more about NPD and especially the “CEREBRAL Narcissist” – it became very clear to me what I had been dealing with. To share a little more of my story… within the 2nd month, the sex diminished and for months I could not understand what had happened. He made so many excuses for his lack of interest (he was too tired, hung over, too much on his mind, headache, stomach ache- YOU WOULD THINK he was a woman!!)and believe me, it was so painful to feel undesired by a man who once desired you so very much in the beginning. Each time I would call him out on it , and mind you, my approach was very delicate and sweet, it would only result in him getting so enraged and us having a huge fight where he’d throw me out of his house or he’d leave mine. What I couldn’t stomach was the words he threw at me that left me so hurt and crying for days. I also retaliated. I didn’t back down ever. So it only amplified it more. I wish I knew what I know now – I was dealing with a full blown N who couldn’t connect emotionally or love me no matter what I did. The lack of intimacy crushed me and the rejection tore me apart for almost a year – and I still stayed with him! WHY? I had never in my life been treated like this or spoken to with such disrespect. I made excuses for his behavior because he made me second guess myself. For me, this time around, I believe that in order for me to let go, it had to end nastier and uglier than any other time we broke up. And for that I am grateful because it is what has kept me strong. – I could never go back to that piece of S***! I am not going to lie to you, I do think of him every single day and sometimes tears roll down my cheek when I’m at work or in the car listening to a sad song (JUST A FOOL by Christina Aguilar). Sure, my place feels empty without him (at times), BUT all I do is remember how EMPTY and ALONE I felt when he was there because to him all I was just an object he can feed off of – he didn’t love me, he ignored me and disregarded me throughout our relationship. I endured so pain while IN the relationship that I truly believe that is what is helping me stay strong now. He did nothing for me. I did everything for him. . ?!!! And to top it off, his own mother contacted to me right before the split and I told her everything. She told me she understood exactly where I was coming from as he also disrespected her and treated her that way. She just had no idea that he was also treating me that way too. To know all this fills me with DISGUST, so much that I never want to see him or hear from him. I hope you stay strong and the more you read about NPD and the stories shared on blogs, the easier it will be to let go. I do believe he’ll contact you, so be prepared – they always do… NC is the only way to get through this. HUGS!
I endured so pain while IN the relationship that I truly believe that is what is helping me stay strong now. Exactly!! nothing compares to the pain I endured in those years – the withdraw, the loss of self, the loss of my soul – I would rather crawl on my hands and knees on rocks to reach my freedom than ever go back to a non human that tried to destroy me – I would die first than ever go back to that hell on earth –
Ugh…reading this all makes me want to cry and also is so comforting. I am sorry that this is happening to others. My ex-fiance, four days before Christmas, announced that he was never in love with me nor would he marry me since he was never attracted to me. ?????what???
After a year and a half of full pursuit, putting me on a pedestal, and professing to his entire family how I was the woman he would spend the rest of his life with…suddenly he decided to sleep on the couch, stopped being intimate with me….and the red flags go on and on.
Now it is three months later. I moved out, called off the engagement, and have never felt more hollow and emotionally devatsted in my life. I cannot get my head around how someone can change feelings so quickly and how none of what was good between us was real.
I have not heard from him except for one hate text the day after I moved out. He drained my bank account ( and is a wealthy man to begin with) and left me with no where to live in the dead of a cold Chicago winter.
He ripped me apart from his adult childen who I came to love with my whole heart.
And all of this has left me confused, drained, and hollow.
I read and read about the N. personality and understand so much more now…but I still find myself thinking back to all of those great conversations about love, the future, and growing old together….and I must realize, that was not real.
The person who showed up, denied me any form of intimacy and then told me he was never attracted to me from the beginning, the same person who proposed marriage and then shortly after told me he never was in love with me, and then let me pack up and leave right before Christmas….without even a call to see where I went to or if I was ok….well,that is the real person and that makes me sick and sad at the same time.
Take heart Lisa. You are not alone. My ex psychopath told new conquests that he was never physically attracted to me, but stayed with me because we got along in every other way. This is a after he told me repeatedly how amazing I was and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him. It is still hard for me to fully grasp how our relationship was a complete lie. Stay strong! The benefits of a relationship with a N/S/P and then leaving it are great. In the process of getting over the trauma, you will discover YOU! There is no strength without struggle. 10 months after leaving my exP, I have a very full life. I am more present and have new opportunities. Gone is the desperation, panic, sadness I felt because of his push-pull, triangulation, objectification, gas-lighting, lies etc. I am free!
Omg…these hit home. Ms. N only thinks about herself and how she is feeling. She pretends to care about the breakup but is already off satisfying her needs for attention else where. Its the third time this has happened in the past year. In a few weeks she will contact me again wanting that loving attention I provide. She will make promises or mention wanted something that is special to us but when it comes time for it, she changes her mind.
Ms N makes promises like a person hands out candy on Halloween and I can’t think of her actually delivering on even one of them in the past two years. Thank fully some good friends let me know what she is. I am know caught on to her tricks. Her cycle of attention. Blaming me for everything recently. Thank fully I do not take any ownership for her behavior.
So did he return?
I can’t tell you how much I can relate. I feel like my N drove me to the breaking point where I left him ( I never wanted to). After that, he pretty much dropped off the planet and didn’t care. Didn’t even try to get me back unlike some people’s stories, simply couldn’t have cared less. Like it was NO big deal. Threw himself into work. I would be in so much pain trying to accept that I was better off ( I am), when he doesn’t give a @# about 6 years that we had and that I even moved to a different country for him. The minute I got here he completely ditched me emotionally and turned into another person that was obsessed with work, had superficial friends, and only cared about people from a professional networking point of view. He repeatedly crossed my boundaries by calling me names, something no one has ever done to me. I felt so angry by those words I have never been so enraged in my life. The silent treatment he would do would go on for days and I went insane texting him and calling him for days and he wouldn’t respond, then come home and refuse to talk to me because he wanted to go to sleep. When I tried to talk to him, he would put on his headphones and ignore me and then explode when I tried to talk to him. He would be so loving sometimes and I felt so lucky to have him, then suddenly, the minute I had needs such as wanting time with him, wanting a holiday, etc., he would postpone plans with me for work and just tell me to ‘deal with it’. I feel like I turned into a crazy insecure woman, which I am not. I felt like he was always slipping away, but as long as I didn’t ask anything of him, we were happy. But that isn’t happiness. I couldn’t understand how he didn’t even stop me from leaving, then after I left, simply went on with his life! It’s been agonizing for me not to see or speak with him, yet he goes weeks or months without even thinking about me! These 8 months have been horrible but somehow it’s very comforting and empowering. I am so much better off. I didn’t go no contact, which I should have. Showing him that I missed him was incredibly stupid and I am ashamed of myself for even trying. He would cry and write back how much he missed me then disappear for another month. WTF… I feel much stronger now reading these experiences from people and realizing I wasn’t crazy. He blamed everything on me. He would try to work for our relationship only when I threatened to leave him. He rejected me sexually. He was completely oblivious to my worry when my father was in the hospital. Thanks so much for sharing all this, I feel like I am not alone.
Emily, I completely identify with your pain. My N left me three weeks ago and moved hundreds of miles away to be closer to a woman he met on line a month ago and has never met. He walked out on me, the love of his life, and five year marriage. At the same time that he was telling her he was “falling ever more deeply in live with her” (Detective work, Yahoo) He was saying those same “sweet” words to me. Now I am totally depressed and can’t get off the couch. I have lots of support but no one understands why I am plagued with a desire to contact him when he treated me so badly (he had had multiple text, phone, and other chat like emotional affairs) over the years, along with being utterly disinterested in any effort to improve the relationship after the honey moon stage ended. I told him I needed space and would call him when I am ready. He keeps texting about how broken up he is and just sent me an invitation to join his Google+ group. Somehow I can’t accept the idea that he has no self and only used me for narcissistic supply in spite of all evidence to the contrary. I identify with every word on every Narcissistic page but still want to run him through a series of questions to see if there is not a shred of humanity left. Help!
You still have the desire to question him to see if there is a shred of humanity in him? let me know if there is because if you find out there is such a thing, you will be the first and I mean FIRST person to find this in a toad. THEY DONT CHANGE, THEY CANT CHANGE, THE NEVER WILL CHANGE – this is as permanent as his DNA, it will never change and he will never change, he will always and I mean always and forever be disordered!!!!!! An elephant can never be a mouse and that is what you are wondering – the pain this man is causing you will soon make sense to you and when it does the pain will stop and you will get off that sofa and wonder how you ever allowed someone this sick to hurt you so deeply. Yes, it hurts that they are so sick and disordered but I was not willing to lay down and die for someone like that – he killed enough of me and it had to stop. You will reach this point of no return also because you will choose to live rather than to die at the hands of a toad –
I think the best healing is the NC and to ignore the living hell out of the N. After 23 years, 2 sons and been discarded for another woman, I thought I had no strength to live again. I felt my life with him be blown away over night, almost as if I had be hit by a huge thunder storm. I chose to distance myself and to let time heal my pain. It’s been 5 years this month and sometimes I still feel sad but I am doing better and grateful that I was strong enough to get myself out of that nightmare I lived in for so long. Hurts me to hear he’s doing things to other woman he has never to me, but I know is just a facade. He’s incapable of feeling true love. I am blessed in so many ways. I have treasures that he’ll never be able of having them….as my dignity, my moral values and the empathy I am capable of feeling for another human being. I am not quiet healed yet but I am in a better place now. I see him for what he is, as sick person…I chose not to hate him, how could I possibly hate someone so sick? I also know that I can’t help or save him so I keep my distance, indifference and no contact at all. The only way we can live a better life is by trying to understand their sickness and to focus in better days in our lives.
I wish you the best.
This is called cognitive dissonance or “monkey mind” and it’s actually a symptom of having been in an abusive relationship. We have intrusive good memories of the beginning when they were love bombing us and we felt more loved than ever in our lives. We also have intrusive memories of the exact opposite behaviours of abuse and neglect. So really we are breaking up with two people and we need to know that we have to grieve them both. It’s ok to be monkey minded as long as we don’t break no contact when we are in the missing him part. It get’s better with time and eventually it goes away completely without having to do anything except maintain no contact, and look inward for the reasons that you told yourself, for it to be ok to stay with the asshole. Show yourself how the excuses you made for him were unrealistic and unloving to your own self. I’m four months out and the cognitive dissonance is hardly there anymore and I haven’t hopped to dating someone else to avoid it all. Good luck and know that you’re not crazy. It’s just that no one explains these types of things to us.
Great post!
I can’t believe so many people have experienced what I am going through right now. I was with this man for 8 years….he told me I had changed him that I was his soul mate ….he would never cheat on me. Well one week ago today I found out that he had been cheating on me for about a month. Mind you just 2 months ago he was telling me how he would work for 3 extra years so that I could have health insurance from his job till I was 65! At that same time he wanted to book a trip to Turks again cos we had such a great time! Mind you the day before I found out he mentioned his grand child coming and staying with us next summer. OK so now I confront him when he comes home from work and what does he tell me “I was going to tell you today about her….I love her….we are having great sex! I am not attracted to you anymore and I want a divorce!!!! WHAT…..I feel as if I have been hit by a two by four! I thought we were in love, I thought we would be together forever….everyone I tell says you two seemed to be the perfect couple. Obviously he is a great actor!! He says all this without the least bit of sadness, no I’m sorry, no the years we had together were great but it’s over…nothing…..a cold hearted, selfish piece of crap! I have been devastated. I cry uncontrollably. I can’t think straight. I am so sad that so many others have gone through this but it also gives me hope that I will get through it too. I keep repeated I was in love with an illusion…..he is not the man I thought he was….he was a monster…..what also gets to me is how Safe I felt with him……it makes me question my instincts and wonder how I can ever trust another man again.
The Narcissistic person is identified through proven medical evidence as a phsycologically mentally ill person. That the mentally ill narcissist is allowed to interact with normal people without a professional doctor warning society about them , is similar to not warning parents that paedophiles exist. I feel very strongly that society at large should be made aware of such individuals with as much detail as possible.. I have experienced since childhood, 3 or 4 of these in my life time, and I am 58. I am a very strong woman, and know that scars and my views of the world and innocence have changed. I have now got no empathy for these types of people, however, as a caring society we need to place them somewhere…….probably on an island where they can all attack each other, they are truly not fit to be invited into the human society and should be ostracised. The Health Authorities are way behind and should advise everyone via media about dangerous people
Hey there. A lot of what you said sounded familiar, and man do I empathize. What IS this? I’m an awesome chick, I’m smart, I’m fun, witty, and I don’t have a hard time getting attention from men, yet this guy had me thinking I was nothing, and that if a guy who’d chased me for months could suddenly drop me when we were still in the honeymoon phase, planning the future and he even was saying I love you, SURELY there must be something wrong with me. Sound familiar?
You said it will affect you for life. I realized that I put up with too much crap. My guy had warning signs, but he was so charming, I let him slide. I have a tendency to give guys way too many chances. After this horrible experience, I’ve vowed to NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN. If something smells off, the next guy gets dropped, PERIOD. I was so enamored with my narcissist and so convinced from his months of courting me and being a complete angel that he was a good guy, that when he finally had me fall in love with him and he dropped the act, I wouldn’t believe it. “Oh he’s moody because he’s stressed with work.” or “Oh he’s still hanging out a bunch with the girl he was dating RIGHT before me even though he knows it upsets me because he feels bad he dumped her.” PLEASE. Maya Angelou always says : when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. SO TRUE.
I hope you’ll feel better with time. <3
Thank you all for writing these. I was in the relationship for 7 years and married for 5. Then he met an old cheat yes, someone he cheated on with the woman before me. Said they had been having sex for a month and he was in love! I found emails to her just like he sent to me. Everyone our friends my family but mostly ME were in shock…. they all thought we were the perfect couple. I just can’t understand how someone could be so cold, heartless and calculating. Up till the day he told me he was leaving he talked of the future and acted like everything was normal. I feel like I’ve been blind sided, thrown off a cliff. Its been 3 weeks since he left and I have moments when I know I’m better off and then I fall apart. I hope he tries to come back so I can laugh and walk away but he told me he never goes back….none of that matters though I just want to feel stable and peaceful again. I need like you all said to find me again.
Im so grateful to learn there’s others out there who have endured the painful slow agonising grief of dating and breaking up with a N! At times I’ve never felt so alone depressed anxious worried and literally crazy out of my mind. I hope one day I can recover fully from this mental torture and as each day goes by my esteem and self worth returns to normal. For four months I’ve let myself been pulled in and pushed away everytime he returns back from working away… It’s like I didn’t matter to myself anymore I would think live and breathe him and I would do things revolving around him … Everytime he wanted to catchup I would always fall for it and believe he was genuinely caring and loved me and as soon as he would return to work I would be insulted or abused emotionally. Racially unacceptable comments to me and my background once, the way I looked, told i wasn’t even pretty and I talk myself up, told I was crazy and crazier than his ex gf, glad he’s not with me and couldn’t be happier, I made him an angry person, it was the worst year of his life spent with me and made him so unhappy and it was all my fault, telling me his future plans even rubbing in my face about other attractive girls or giving detail about a sexual encounter he had when he was high on drugs. Yet felt threatened and hurt as soon as I show no attraction to him or he thinks I have moved onto someone else. The torment was unreal and I hope no one becomes so weak and left with no voice like I had and breaks free from the narcissistic as soon as possible. I hope one day I can believe in love and believe that I will never come across someone as toxic and mean again.
My ex N actually had the diagnosis. He is running through all my friends trying to find my number and he has a new girlfriend. Take heart. N’s do suffer. I saw it first hand. He experienced immense depression due to needing a constant resource too feel normal. Resources are important to their identity because they don’t have one. Theyarenever happy.
They suffer but they suffer because they blame the person for their imperfections and shallow life. They are control freaks so if you disagree…mine actually said we will get along if you agree not to disagree! Then I found out that that was classic narcissist. Even his own children are only an extension of him.. it’s all about him. I don’t think he is evil..but he is about HIM HIM HIM as many of his culture are and it’s sad. Oh well they can act and pretend but they are their biggest fan and anyone who does not do thing their way is a loser. Only thing is they like to hang around with guys who pump them up, not as smart but almost as smart. Control freaks. However their father figure was double time Narc and the mother is the only good thing about him as far as feelings go. You never find it out at the beginning but as time goes on, you realize you are just an extension of him, it’s all about him. You are there for him only. If after many years he gives you something that he would never have even thought of parting with an old car or whatever and if after all this time when he buys something major like a car or remodel, he never ask your opinion or even tells you that he is researching something after being with you for years…we are older so it was not like starting a family however it hurts you that he does not even ASK your opinion when u mention that he thinks “It’s my house , oh yes we are life partners but I suffered a horrible divorce. Yes and even with young children he blames them but even if one does something so horrible to him, robs him he forgives because he is another Narcissist. He pretends he is appalled but he can relate yet he created him and has changed me so much I do not even know what i want. This is the first time I have realized this and I am not young but I am sad. I know I will meet someone, it’s just how it goes for me but the scars of constant put downs ( at first put “ups”) His family has no idea…what transpired after he retired and had no one to boss around and no one to admire him. He is not evil but he never has disclosed anything to me and always just said, I am taking care of you. Well I am not after money but after years of promises and no voice in anything I realize this is what a narcissist does. However I will be better able to understand that my sadness at a tragedy in my life happily viewed as a great opportunity for the N. I was caretaker to a family member so it was a perfect N set up. Just what the Narcissist ordered with an engagement ring but no date which actually was a blessing disguise. He used my situation as the perfect scenario since no men were in my family. I realize now how my father with his horrible childhood was a good many with empathy and understanding and the N can only understand what they went through and NOTHING ELSE – it’s all about them and they use terms like “showing disrespect when you do something they do not like. They see you as an extension of them and not as a person is basically all it is…I am recovering I am older and have never dated or come into contact with a true manipulative N…that blames you when you ask him to pick…where to go. THe N has to be in total control, only doing so at the beginning for the purposes of N pleasure..to entrap…I know you can recover and I will. Find your happiness they do not care about you, only about how it relates to their N source of satisfaction..It’s all about them. How they look they really do not care about you as a person only how it looks for them. Do not tell them your human faults, they enjoy it.. they think they are perfect at one level but KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAl.
hey april
i agree with each and every word stated by u in ur comment.i was in a realtionship with a N for 12 long years(though i didnt realise he was a N till the relationship ended) i revisited the entire relationship and then realised i had missed the rag flags completely.infact he never displayed any traits openly like being mean,egosistic,humiliating etc.He was financially generous too.But he did give me the silent treatment,lied about his whereabouts,about his realtionship with his family being bad when it was in reality very good,though his father seemed to be a N himself.we had the perfect relationship for the initial 6 years.but after that he started ignoring me,made excuses to not meet me,would not travel to meet me(we stay in different cities and it was a long distance relationship and we both are indians). he would make up excuses of he being engulfed with work n i wud go to meet him all the way to his city(which is a three hour drive frm my city bombay) n he would not turn up on time n make me wait fr atlst four hours at the hotel all alone.he continued doin this till the time he discarded me.even though i had a full time job i made time for him.i stood by him through all the ups n downs of our lives and he would just be like he doesnt care.one fine day after 12 years he comes n tells me hes getting engaged to a girl his parents chose for him(india has parranged messages) and just cut me out like i was a piece of trash.he refused to take my calls and reply to my messages.he blocked me on everything.he didnt even give me a closure or even gave me reasons as to y he did this.n i was in shock,felt like i was hit by a bus.i couldnt even move out of the bed for days,crying sobbing all d time with a lot of anxiety to seek answers but got none.i was in so much pain i cant even explain.nobody even understood what i was feeling and they could just tell me ïs “move on” was it that simple?i went from feeling devastated to intense grief,shock,rage, n now i am ina depression n feeling extremely lonely.whereas all this while hes so happy with that other girl,his fiance,posting happy pictures on social media with her,(we are family friends so all d ppl r interconnected)i cant stand to see all this n he never bothered to call me even once after that day.its been 3 months today n i am still not okay.today is my birthday and he hasnt wished me also even though earlier he would be the one to throw lavish parties for me n be the first one to wish me.i am feeling miserable that after 12 years i am alone on my birthday n it feels like someone kicked me in the gut. to add t it his fiance is a former friend of mine.anyways the point is people say no contact will ease out the pain over time.i can say its a little better now but i am not ok at all.i do cry n sob bitterly at times n i am astonished y dint he think of me even once.how can he move on so easily to someone else?wat does she have thai i dont?how is he so happy with her n doin all wat he didnt do for me?all these questions r still unanswered.hugs to all of u n a lot of support.i know it seems impossible,but hopefully we will b free of our respective Ns thoughts soon.
narcs never never change.
new supply for what they need
at the time, period.
they never fix themselves Thyre
insecure attn seeking no depth.
Thyre boring thy use same lines
same tactics ovr&ovr. do whatever it takes to get bk to you!!! Thyre not concerned with us. I’m in counseling an forcing myself to go forward. I’m fixing to geraduate college. improving myself for me. he’s one of my motivstions to b grand!!
think of the bad thy did an how thy repeat the
pattern&an all in Thyre circles gameplayers too.
let it go your own path you’re own journey.
other girls its fluff thy just tweek it a bit.
fakebook yes fakebook social mrdia a mirage.
really if your that happy who has time to post
go live!!! ego fake. don’t go on social media!!!!
I still cry I still struggle…
hang tight! new love ahead I believe that
it wl all cme bk around!!!!
Emily; I was very very lost when I went nc and cut him from my life – I actually found myself missing his abuse in some strange way – I missed the control he had over me and when I went NC it felt like my whole world stopped and I was dying – I didnt know where to turn, how to act, didnt know who I was, I didnt know what was real from what was not real, I was in shock, angry, and scared I wouldnt have the strength to go on without him – but through all that pain I kept one thing always present in my mind – I did not walk away from love – I knew that will all my heart – whatever I imagined it to be in my mind I had to work through and face the truth – that was NOT LOVE, and he never loved me for one second – he was a ruthless predator that almost totally destroyed my life – Come on Emily, you KNOW what love is and you KNOW when you are truly loved, even though you may feel you dont know now, if you think back you will remember what it is to be genuinely loved by someone – he treated you like this because he is not capable of loving anyone as he should and never will – I think many of us after this experience had to learn over what it IS to be loved by someone – we let a disordered person abuse us so badly and we tolerated almost anything to not lose them – Its OK Emily to lose him, cut him loose he is no good and they never bring anyone true happiness – oh they can pretend for a long time but in the end they always abuse who they are with ALWAYS!!! Its easy for me to say dry your tears you didnt lose a thing butYOUhave got to discover that for yourself – no matter how good looking he was, how charming he was, how rich he was or what ever he was to you – none of that matters if he abused you – they come in a pretty package but once you open then up its REAL UGLY – hugs
Recovered… Thank you for writing! The sad thing is that my N has be believing that I DID CAUSE ALL OF THE PROBLEMS. The fact is that I reacted to a lot of what seemed insane to me and then he would turn my reactions into me being the one that destroyed everything we had as he tossed me like trash and never looked back. My main issue is that the longer I am away from him the more I am taking this blame to heart saying WOULDA SHOULDA COULDA…. it is killing me inside over and over and over again as he truly blames me as if he never did anything. The last email I got from him a month ago was him requesting me to MAKE HIM LIST of all I did wrong and all I am sorry for and unless he gets that list he will never speak to me again. I apologized for my part a million times but this is not good enough… now he wants a list and I HAVE NOT RESPONDED because I am not a child. He also claims he has apologized over and over to me a million times AND HE HAS NEVER APOLOGIZED TO ME ONCE. I ask him when?? he never answers. I have stopped communicating with him 3 weeks ago. He has not tried to contact me nor I after HIS REQUEST FOR THIS LIST. As crazy as this sounds… I do feel I could have done things different and maybe he is right… I need someone to smack me in the face because I KNOW THIS IS NOT TRUE DEEP DOWN but I just want to not feel this pain so I make excuses for him. I truly just want to wake up one of these mornings finally and NOT CARE ABOUT THIS ANYMORE… but it is not happening. Each day that passes I miss him more and more and can not believe that I meant absolutely nothing to him. I almost want him back just to be reassured that I DID MEAN SOMETHING TO HIM… but I know I don’t. This has got to be the most difficult thing I have dealt with. If someone dies you have closure. This is like something dies but you never get the closure you need to keep your sanity. I hope I can get past all this. Please tell me I can… Someone please tell me I can do this….
Thanks
Emily: well as I am writing this it’s evident that I didnt die in the aftermath of all this and either will you. You will make it if you WANT to make it and you have to fight like hell to recover. This is a very difficult recovery and a recovery that takes at LEAST two years – I cant write too much now as I have to get to work – the list, ah yes I was once asked that too to write a list of ANYTHING I ever did right in my entire life – give him a list alright but a list of everything bad HE IS (but if you are NC dont do that) but make the list anyway for yourself and read it everyday – this is all about control Emily, making you write a list or he will threaten to never speak to you again – GOOD hope he keeps his sick threats – personally I would have told him to go F himself and laugh in his face but you are still in a mode of such self doubt and pain as I once was – make a list of all the great things you are and start working on believing them hugs
Emily, I know where your’re coming from. I am too quite feisty and would react to my narc ex quite aggressively at times. But i feel this is what kept him around as it presented more of a challenge for him to ‘break me’. As soon as I started to be more submissive he lost interest and discarded me. The point is that he would devalue and discard you even if u were as timid as a mouse. It makes no difference to narcs. Dont blame yourself, yes you may have reacted to his crazy making but ultimately you still truely loved him and wanted to be with him. He did the discarding. Not you. How are you getting on now? Stay Strong
Omg woman I could be you or you could be me! You have explained my feelings/thoughts and relationship with my ex N to an absolute tee!!!! I have been broken up with him for about 4 weeks! Can you please tell me where you’re at now with all if this??
Xx
Emily – As for your list of what you did wrong and what you are sorry for, there is only ONE item required that will answer both questions: Getting involved with a POS like him! Cheer up, it will get better. I am on day 2 of mine leaving – I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my life. He wants the list because he has a need to win. Nothing more. He is so clueless about what happened in the relationship, since he wasn’t really invested in it, that he may need that “list” to remind him of what he could possibly use against you in the future. Hate to be blunt here, but F him!
These posts are shocking and almost devastating for me to read. My ex-fiancé was the kindest and most loving man I’ve ever known. He literally swept me off of my feet. He couldn’t stand to go an hour without speaking to me. I’ve never ever been so showered with love and affection in my life. I lived in LA and he in NYC. He proposed to me and I resigned from my job that I loved. He is a very connected man in NYC and promised to quickly help me find a new job. Although he also said he didn’t care about the money and I could take my time and focus on the wedding plans. Two weeks before my move, I learned that he lied about woman. I mean A LOT of women who he had discarded. I moved anyway since I quit my job, gave my car to his oldest son, sold most of my furniture and gave up my awesome apartment.
I had a lot of anxiety around trusting him since I had uncovered so many lies. Once I moved to NYC I started snooping. I found a photo album of hookers and money wires to 20 year old girls…several of them. I found emails to Craigslist casual encounters and saw pictures of random women in our home, naked or in his robe. I was traumatized. Since he was a “recovered” alcoholic, I believed he had transferred the addiction onto women. I thought he cared about US enough to face his demons and I told him I was scared he was a sex addict. For this, he never touched me again. He stopped communicating with me. He stopped having dinner with me. He would tell me things like, “when I look at you, all I can see is someone without a job”.
I had no friends in NYC and he certainly did not introduce me to people. The party that he had planned to welcome me into the community, he canceled. He only had a few concert going friends that were in their 20’s and early 30’s. He is 54 and I’m 41. So I hung out with a 25 year old girl and took her on like she was my daughter. I invited her over for dinner every week and we took her to concerts. After a while, he started ordering Nitrous Oxide before and after a concert and spend 5 to 10 hours inhaling nitrous and later doing LSD and sharing it with the 25 year old.
My heart was broken. I begged, cried, hugged him, raged on him …basically making every desperate move imaginable to get him to come back to reality. He was so happy when we were in love and became so miserable that he didn’t even look like the same person. Since I didn’t have a job and I was in NYC, 3000 miles from home I didn’t know where to turn.
Finally, a week before Christmas I broke down and cried to him for the 50th time. He told me that there was never any attraction to lose and I completely freaked out. I knew I had to leave immediately. I forgot to mention that his Viagra supply diminished by the week without him ever touching me. This was another source of my deep depression. When is ask him, he would say he took it to be with me. However, he never touched me. Whenever we actually did cuddle, he’d ask me to turn and face away from him.
So, a week before Christmas I moved back to LA. With no place to live and no job. I had days where I didn’t know how if make it through. Once I felt suicidal and I called him. He said, “call an ambulance ” and hung up in me.
It’s been 6 months and I’m barely free from the pain. It just changes form and feeling from sadness to anger and despair. I go to alanon which has helped. But I still don’t know the answer to freedom from the pain and thoughts if the absuse.
The worst part is, everybody thinks he is so special. He is now dating the 25 year old and plasters pics of their travels all over social media. The betrayal is overwhelming. The only thing I know to do is pray about it and try to find the oath back to loving myself again. I’ve never gone this long in my life without feeling joy. It’s like a bad dream that won’t end.
You will get past it. One day, you will wake up and feel fantastic, and free. That will last about 1 minute. The next day, it will last 2, and the next 5…..the next day you will fill like dying again, and then the next you will feel a small sense of joy and freedom for half the day….see the pattern? Time heals all wounds. It really does. It is healing me……
Narcissists never apologize. No matter what they do. It can be culturally accepted as a high class trait, the ability to get away with it but it doesn’t matter…Be very careful… do not pay for things for him and do not make his life to easy because he is a self person thinking he is special but realizing he is not. He will isolate you and not want you to socialize and avoid hanging with your friends only his “selected” friends. The only positive is that if you have taken breaks and formed developed some diversions, it will be easier. Their diversions focus on making money and looking as good as they can though my guy was not particularly good looking but i never cared… my friends were the onles that said “how old is he? He’s old… i did not care but I am sure if his friends said that about me…JUST REMEMBER he may seem human and he is of course but he is all about himself with little token things that because he has isolated you except from his family who is under his control ( if he has money and power) Of course they are nice but they have been in the narcissus mode
for years and all they can say is He is difficult but he has a good heart TAKE THAT AS A WArNING if someone’s mother tells you that and he makes her cry by turning up the heat too high when she is elderly even though now he is cold so i’ts okay …it’s all about them…though they may do thei minimum expected culturally – or obligations they do not go the extra mile unless there is an audience and they don’t want to look bad. maybe that is mild narc but the put downs are the worst…making you lose confidence in yourself. ..It’s horrible…not caring about what you can’t eat because of your health and purposefully taking to places where you say you can’t eat the food…
I never in my wildest dreams thought that I could go forward. You will. I dated/courted/lived with “her” for 4 years. Our daughters are 1 year apart. Matching tattoos etc…. Then BOOM. The true colors appeared. I’ll just leave it at that. Keep your support group close by. Use them. Get it all out. I was the same as you. They are really fake people. It’s hard to accept, but if you read enough the stories start to match. Just when you think it will never get better, someone is going to appear and show you what a real loving relationship is about. Best quote I’ve read lately: “What broke you can never heal you”. Remember that daily. I promise you, your self worth will come back and you WILL be stronger. Stay the course and no contact at all. ZERO. ZILCH. NADA. Best to you, and this is the first time I have ever tried to reach out to someone after going through it myself. You will win. You already have. It will sink in. Much love.
My N-EX is my also my Boss. Stupid of me to fall for the married Guy in the first place :”( He always cried & wept in my arms as to how cruel is wife is & how horrible is all Ex-Gfs were . But then I saw hwo self obsessed he was. Cannot stand if I praise even my brother’s job/ any other friend’s looks, success . He gets jealous & all rage that no one is that gud. he started ignoring me, then the cheating started & I realized there many other girls in his net too ! Now i barely talk to him , except for office related . He now talks to me once in a while , one day tried to grab me in the lunch room . But i made an excuse & ran. I dont know whats going in his mind . Cant ignore him completely since my salary & everything is in his hands
Wow. Its all there. Everything the N is. And you see the support you have from many who have gone through the same thing. Today-well, TODAY is your Live Day. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. It DOES get easier. I promise. But Today, you have yourself back. I did NC for months. I still got the emails. I blocked his phone/texts as well as his family’s. Yes it can be lonely. But not nearly so much as lying in bed next to him. Today I hear from him and yes, I can see how easy it COULD be to go back. But I wont. Today I laugh at the texts and emails professing love and coming back. His addmitting to cheating ( not directly-but in the opposite contradictions he uses, lmao!). Today I dont hurt. And soon you wont either. NC works. Give it a chance. 5 months later and I know I am free. Today is your day. Set yourself free.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. He contacted me again over the weekend and foolishly I went and saw him, but the minute I walked into his apartment I felt something had shifted for me, maye a sixth sense(?) or Maybe educating myself more on NPD and seeing him in a completely different light for the first time. Ironically he backhandedly made so many foot in the mouth comments to me about our relationship, as well as declared his devotion to me after months of not seeing each other stating atleast he was faithful to me ( I laughed to myself). The topic of the holidays came up and he interjected that it would be nice to come with me to my parents house for the holidays (he did last year) and I kept my response to that casual didnt reply either way as I didnt want to get into anything with him. Following this statement about coming home with me he turns around less than two minutes later and tells me I don’t have to worry about putting my engagement ring anytime soon, tells me to take whatever things there at the apartment that were mine before I go (laughed again silently).. I haven’t spoken with him since and he hasn’t contacted me..
The blinders came off …I hope for continued strength to keep up the NC and hope he leaves my family alone as he has reached out to a few of my sisters (for supply ) before when we broke up…
Its been about a month and a half since the final end came with my narc. I dealt with the hot cold crazy making push/pull and abusive behavior for almost 3 yrs. I always felt he was cheating with his ex step daughter of 10 yrs ago but of course he denied it or ever being with anyone else since we met. I deep down knew but never had concrete proof just many discrepancies inconsistencies and lies until 3/12/14. He had come over the day before begging to reconcile…yet again and i was open to the idea since he said we would get counseling. I worked that night and in the morning stopped at his chiropractic office….he was irritable and said he changed his mind and its not a good idea. I knew he was hiding something or thought his step daughter was maybe coming in….but he also recently said she goes to his house for adjustments but he doesn’t see or talk to her often…lies.. found he hid her # under buddies name. Anyway normally i would tell him off and leave when he devalues & is discarding me. But not this time….i was sooo syrupy sweet so then he said he would come over later but had to run home and would be back at the office. I told him i would go with him he said no but i followed him anyway. At his house he continued to try to get rid of me esp when i asked if i could take a shower. He told me i would have to clean his BR if i used it…i said fine….and he reluctantly went back to work. When i went upstairs and saw his bed i realized why he wanted nothing to do with me….the sheets had makeup and blood etc all over them and i found a black earring on floor by nightstand. He got back and had an excuse for everything…he planted the earring to make me jealous….he coughed up in the night and wiped it on the sheets….and has started sleeping on the other side he never slept on where most of it was and down the side of mattress. I asked so was the Hooters whore Alessandra here last night(his step daughter). I told him doesn’t matter… i have my proof and I’m done and never contact me again and left. He called repeatedly and wanted to come over to talk….i said no but he showed up. Told him he had 5 min to say what he had to say and leave. Well more lies and big argument with him raging and i told him to leave. Thats when he got physical and tried to force me to have sex and was sexually assaulting me with his hand…and then bit my back hard…broke the skin…i fought hard to get away….i wasn’t giving in this time or ever again. I tried to get my phone and he wrestled it from me. He knew it was over for me for good now so i think that was why his violence was so bad this time….he was hitting me and pushing me and saying no one calls the police on me….which i had done 2 yrs ago for similar behavior….but no charges pressed…he came in my house and took my phone and wouldn’t leave. This time i was reporting everything i took his keys and we finally traded phone for the keys and he left….on his way out he said you don’t want to this. But YES i did….i called police he has 4 charges….got a restraining order. His pristine image he shows to everyone isn’t so pristine now. Police at his house 3 times….he would make me hide my cigarette when driving in his neighborhood…and he smokes. He has high dollar attorney which is costing him a lot which I’m sure is really making him mad….he is such a miser….unless its for himself. And the DA is not cutting a deal and she is prepared to go to trial….and told his attorney if they do trial….4th degree sexual assault will be dropped and he will be facing 2nd degree sexual assault. If he loses he loses his license and can never practice again. I am getting my closure…and feeling a little gleeful knowing the pain he is going through….but its what he deserves….and more for all the pain i have suffered in every way. But even with all this…i am starting to feel anxious and think about him all the time and feel like i still love him! What is wrong with me? I just hope to finally get to that point where your like wow….i can’t believe i loved you….your so not worthy and ugly inside.
I was dumped by my Narcissist boyfriend after over 5 years. He beat me, abused me in every way physically, emotionally, verbally etc. He would control me and put me down all the time saying I wasn’t good enough I wasn’t clever enough. He knew best and he would make all the decisions for me because I was incapable. He would ridicule my family and friends. Only he was perfect and was a genius. No one could be better than him. He would threaten me with leaving and that my life would fall apart without him. If I ever dared to say I was thinking of leaving he would pull out sharp objects and start cutting himself and threaten to kill himself. He made me feel worthless. I did everything for him I was desperately in love with this man. He claimed to love me but he cheated on me and when he got caught it was my fault I made him unhappy. Just like the abuse was my fault. I made him into that person. I was a normal, kind hearted and polite woman who wouldn’t want to hurt him. I would feel miserable and question myself and blame myself because he would manipulate me. The issue is I pushed him to get his flash job in the city through a referral from my best friend and pushing him to apply, here he became an idol because in his own words he brown noses people to get far in life. When he dumped me I was jobless and had nothing. He would tell me to quit my jobs because they weren’t good enough working in retail wasn’t acceptable. It’s like he planned my demise. I was the least confident person and I doubted myself. He reinforced that belief. But 2 weeks after I got a job in the same place. Now I have to see him nearly everyday. He’s told people at work to not speak to me and stories fake stories of how I made life hard and I was bad. He is the victim, poor guy. He claimed he was unhappy and just broke up with me he left me crying, shattered I thought I would not survive this. He set up a dating profile within 2 weeks and put a photo of himself with the teddy bear I had given him for our 5 year anniversary. Not once has he contacted me, when I had to contact him for reasons such as asking for my passport when I started my new job he threatened to get me and my friend who ironically got him the job fired. When I mentioned the abuse he inflicted and how I never reported him but could he laughed at me and hung up. These men have no heart. I see him and people laugh at me at work when I walk past. Little do these people know this man is a psycho to them he is funny and witty. No one would believe what he put me through. In such situations although at first we find it hard to cope one day this will be seen as a blessing. Although getting over heartbreak sometimes feel impossible one day it will happen and it’s not us women that are broken for we are honest and loving it is these psychos. So just take every day as it comes. Some days will he harder than other but keep going.
I am where you are. Living, or rather, existing with a narc is like living in a nightmare you just can’t wake up from. My narc just dumped me… by text, on my birthday. Sadly i am not surprised… not in the slightest. I wish everyone who has to deal with these monsters peace. I want peace and healthy relationships for us all.
TO EVERYBODY NARCS Don’t Change!
guy/girl any age
selfish, ego, insecure, ATTN seeking FRM
anybody, liars, cheaters, users,
hollow, constantly looking for
supply, always….
THYRE not happy, THYRE not
confident, its a mirage! thy just kp
going&going w/o any regard for
anybody, period….
THYRE boring, lazy, do the same over&over
rinse&repeat!!!!
family, kids, strangers, exes,
co-workers THYRE all in the game too
believe me….
thy will always hve online accts, SM accts,
exes in contacts THYRE always kp a supply
in the wings, fact…
were all upset, baffled by the discard,
thinking is the new supply the one? THATS
the stinger….THYRE not happy, they haven’t
magically become a genuine person, dont buy
into that….
N/C its the teeniest way to insult
the NARC….
all that GLITTERS isn’t gold, fact..
do whatever it takes to get BK to
you, they’ve flipped our world upside down…
THYRE not thinking of us….
its 24 7 about them, fact…
it will come BK around don’t know how,
when, where but it will, know that…
strength, courage, let go, learn from
this, grow as a person to be better, healthier,
confident!!!!!! wre wonderful, real, loving,
THYRE not, THYRE actors, shallow , fact…
love those who love you, forget those
who forget you!!!
actions always speak louder than
words….
i did it 7yrs w/ex bf male NARC
I still wonder sometimes wtf?
its over, you dont stay whre you’re
not wanted…
give them what they want N/C…
thy think THYRE the bomb?
let em’ go….
Stay off SM!!!! Focus on fabulous you!!!!!
new life ahead, new love, enjoy!!!!
I’ve graduated college, I’m gng to skydive,
I’m gng to a concert I’ve always wanted
to go to, I’m starting to replace things
he took FRM me, piece by piece I’m getting
BK to me… Its a new you, new chapter
learn from this!!!!
remember its supply, rinse&repeat w/NARC, fact….
strength!!!!
I was married to a narcissist for 19 years. Im out 3 years. He abused me and our eldest son. I am now under police protection while he socialises with my family. I am a smart, pretty and intelligent lady but I loved him. His love was like a drug. Moving on has taken courage. He did not outsmart social services or the police. I thank God for both fantastic services and plead other women out there to seek help. He will hurt your children and show no care. Xxx
These posts are saving my sanity. My N was with me for 7 years and then cheated on me and expected me to let him live on my home as roommates he is living with her now and I just can’t understand how he has walked away without so much as a glance back. These posts help me so much thank you.
I am very sorry for your pain. Narcs are soul sucking demons who thouroughly enjoy purposefully destroying decent human beings.
Hi,
.. I wonder if he will call doing NC.. I wonder if I”m wrong.. but your thoughts are appreciated. Much thanks.
This was great site for me to see right now with great advice. My question is this and I think I know the answer but.. I’ve had trouble in my intimate realtionships.. scared of getting close and reacting in a mean way when I was hurt. However I have worked so hard on myself and loving myself and felt ready to get into another relationship. It took a few years but it was worth the wait to believe in myself again. I met someone two months ago. He acted caring kind and giving. We met online and he after a left me a goodbye text that I seemed special to him and that if he was not what I wanted then take care. goodbye. Yes, it was soon, and now I see controlling but I got off. We went out about 8 times and then we slept together. During that time he gave me roses a couple times, told my these things, example not getting back to him fast enuf in a text and without a emoticon a kissy face or smiley face was not nearly good enough for him. I was busy that day. Anway I listened to how women are spoiled in this generation, how they can be vindictive. Not appreciative etc. I tried my best and it was never good enough. I found lingerie in a drawer of his. I had spent a couple weekends at his house and went to put my lingerie box in a bottom drawer. I made a joke about it but was hurt. His reaction was to shut me out not talk and I couldn’t believe it. I reacted in the car on the way home. I got mad and said after I listen to you and try to do better you just shut down. He said sorry a couple times and when he dropped me off I was feeling in a kissy mood. He left and that was it I called and texted etc. Anyway I got him back because I showed him how much I cared. More than any other woman. But the night we got back together we had a beautiful evening except him checking out the woman next to me which I got up and said are you done and told him. He then said Let me love you. We got home made l love or had sex now that I see look back. Sex was so important to him and said it was amazing and what a great lover I was and should never stop giving him it no matter what. After he said I need to see what time it is? I was so hurt. He waffled then say fine I’ll stay. I got angry and said just go because if I ever did that to him he wouldve given me so much grief about it. Then he got up got dressed and walked out. I said don’t go and called his name out the window. He said I’m not fighting with you and took off. This was Wednesday since then I acted foolishly. Crying on his vm, texting, wanting him back, saying I Care how could you just go back online so fast and not tell me it was over? I have a master’s in clinical psychology but when it comes to me it’s hard sometimes. I believe he is a Narc but want your opinion. I finally after crying and pleading to call me and not treat me like a piece of trash… left a text today saying I apologized to myself and him for the texts etc. crying etc. I also said that I care for him and want his happiness whether with me or with someone else. That was it. nothing form him and I didnt think I would. He’s going to be 60 I’m 46. His last relationship was back and forth and him chasing and getting her back. with sex with others in between his marriage lasted 4 years to an alcoholic who cheated on him in rehab. He told me that even though I was beautiful he could get whomever he wanted as well. He said he was intimitated by me and thought I was out of his league when we first met. challenge maybe? a naricissit probably. My Mother was the same way. Shut me out, abandoned me, controlled me with mean behaviors. I spent my childhood trying to get her attention and love. Good thing is I’ve worked so hard on myself and loving myself that I am moving on and made a date next week. IT’s painful at times, but I told him that the back and forth thing wont’ work for me and called him on his behaviors. He told me when he walked out the first time that he hoped I learned my lesson by how I reacted to him. My lesson
keep on walking girl…
kp gng forward…
don’t let all your personal
work on yourself go down
the drain…
good guys, normal guys dont
act that way…
red flags!!! have your standards
stick to them!!!
were all worth it!!!! we deserve
true love, happiness Not scraps!!!
strength!!!!
‘)
Wow! I’ve been married to this for nearly a decade and involved for 12. He seemed so enamored with me when me met 14 years ago; that was a total lie; one of many of which I’ve recently learned. He apparently questioned our relationship often to others while professing his undying love to me; had I known it would have been over. I was highly independent and happy without him. Yet he made me feel understood and cherished like no other in the 30+ years before him. He apparently contrived our first date and maneuvered to limit the contact of certain people out of our lives. He asked me to marry him and we began to look for houses while he told an ex girlfriend something else altogether.
After we were married, he constructed a birthday card to his former female roommate referring to her showering at our house (there’d been much lamenting of missing her in the couple of years before that would have been helpful to know). He’d expressed uncertainty to his brother prior when “seeing my (30 year old) body and imagine someone half my age or what I would look like when I was middle aged and thus how hard it was to make a commitment… again it would have been informative to know.
I’ve put up with up with much due to his “depression” over the years and in retrospect, these were often were turned up as manipulative tools. He recently became incredibly withdrawn and started grew his own network of friends. He tried to explain his reasons for doing so outside of our relationship but there were other signals that was not the case.
He began to do bizarre things to scare me away, financially as well as taking my inhaler. He challenged me to find anything he’d done wrong and I found years of evidence of affairs, etc. on his computers (after asking him point blank questions with nothing of subsistence).
I realize now that he wanted me to find that evidence because it’s not 100% damning but enough to make me know that our marriage has not been what I thought it was. I told him to leave. “Someone” started coming into the house and taking things or moving things – things that i would certainly notice. My car keys went missing for a few days and a couple of weeks later, my car seat was moved back to where I couldn’t reach the pedals. the next morning, the sunroof was opened and it had stormed in the night before; I recall closing the sunroof the following evening.
There has been so much more including computer hacking, etc. It’s been off the charts.If only I’d paid attention to those initial concerns that he seemed to be a bit of a player. He made me feel horribly guilty for ever even thinking that and insinuating that he’d just been filling his time waiting for me to come around. Now that I’ve read his e-mails, I know how many lies there were there were to me and others. and xo convincing they were. DESPICABLE!!
I agree! I was missing my ex N desperately wanting to call him even though he would make me feel like I was crap, like I never meant anything to him after five years of my life! Reading this changed my mind. I will move on eventually and find someone who actually cares for me. I, we, deserve so much better
Hey Cristine, you should run for your life while he’s away.. Mine left me after being on and off for ten years. I met him when I was 16.. He broke my heart at 17 then hoovered me
Back me at 18… I left my boyfriend for him and then he dumped me once again.. Then I found out he had two kids behind my back when I was 20… He still continued hoovering me
In every now and then.. At 22 my mum got diagnosed with blood cancer and he tried to use that to make me feel like I needed his support.. He hoovered me back in like no other time.. Started looking after me like a proper boyfriend, drove me
Around brought me groceries and just stuck by me.. While my mum was in and out of hospital I decided to marry him at 23… He married me and we continued to try to make it work… He started controlling me.. I wasn’t allowed to wear make up had to stop texting my last few friends and I was forced to leave my job.. All the while he continued to say he’s jealous and loves me that’s why he needs me to do all this for him.. I was only allowed to go to hospital with my mum and that was it… I started looking like a tramp and my self esteem
Was 0 by the time
I reached 25… He started treating me like an actual doormat… He went on a trip to morroco with his friends for three nights and was texting me like he was madly in love with me… He got back on Monday morning and Monday afternoon he dumped
Me… I tried calling him after a week to check up on him and he spoke to me like I was a stranger wasting his time… He asked his friend to tell
Me to leave him alone because he was fed up of my tantrums… Three weeks later my beautiful mother died.. He rang me as soon as he found out about her and when I didn’t answer he messaged saying ‘everyone deserves what they get, I don’t kno why I wasted my morning trying to get through to u’… I didn’t only lose my self esteem and my existence but my precious mother who wanted me to be happy… I’m 26 and it’s been 6 months since the narcissist discarded me… Five months since my mum left us and I want to tell u that the strength has been incredible… I read about these monsters day and night… I see the narcissist posting pictures of his new and happy girlfriend all the while he’s tryin to hoover me back in… Little does the asshole know… I can see right through his bull shit and I’m not falling for it this time… I watch videos on narcissus, read articles, read blogs, try to speak with other women in abusive relationships and it just empowers me… The bastard didn’t only rob me of my youth, he married me humiliated me, robbed me every few months and abusing me physically mentally and emotionally.. He called my loved ones names and threatened my parents when I tried to leave him and when I lost my beautiful mum he thought it was a good idea to say I deserved it… He had a mask on for all those years… He fried fake tears and cut his wrist when I tried to leave him… He turned me mental but I am happy again… I wasn’t allowed to go to the corner shops to buy a bottle of water but now I’m out everyday… I thank GOD he is someone else’s problem and for allowing me to escape from this monster… Please don’t ever allow the narcissist to come bak into ur life… Mine is currently with a girlfriend he use to date and I feel sorry for her she’s still on the roller coaster… Get off the roller coaster and let them continue… Have a happy life sister ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Not the easiest of reading..it hurts to know you meant so little to these assclowns, but in a way it makes it easier to get over them. The reality, though painful is spot on. Thanks! I would like to know how to hurt these bozos though, if its even possible and how. What can we do? Saying get over it and just move on, doesn’t do it!
I don’t believe in revenge but the one thing that hurts them is when their fake personna is revealed. They are always trying to BE THE COOL GUY in public. The most fragile thing these assclowns have is their ego. This is what hurts them when their true identity is revealed to the public and their ego is in danger of others finding out that they are just and Assclown.
i have been reading these and i can so relate, my N left me for another woman at the worst time of my life, we had a 10 month old boy and my mother died, not only did i have the sadness and depression from my mother dying, i also had baby blues and was doing everything on my own. He was doing nothing to help me and because i needed him and was not adoring him all the time due to my depression from my mother dying, he left me for someone who gave him that attention, the lies, he was setting it up before he actually broke up with me, i was logged into his facebook at the same time he was chatting to her and it crushed me to see what he was saying to her, he was also telling people that i had bipolar. that was 3 yrs ago, we got back together and broke up again and then back together again, but nothing changed. This time i have left, and i am not going back, after doing all the research i have has helped so much, and it’s actually good to do it, educating myself on the narcissist has helped me come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t me, i am not ugly or fat or stupid. I even went and got in contact with his ex before me, wow he did a number on her too. As soon as i left he was on the dating sites to find his next victim like we never had anything and i never existed. All of his friends (who i was never allowed to mix with) are supporting him and telling him how great he is but he rarely keeps contact with them, they have no clue as to what he is like and they won’t listen, not even the ex of his who is a councilor, i told her that there is something wrong with him and i think he needs help, she ignores me now and approves of his new girlfriend (who he got a couple of weeks after i left). The women on his facebook, he is only friends with so he can have them as back up plans for when his girl leaves, this is where his current one came from.
You are all beautiful 
So after all this i have healed quite fast, still have a couple of years to go i think but i just have to learn how to deal with him when he uses our son to hurt me. I feel for all of you and i hope you are all doing alot of research into this, it is so helpful, and go and see a domestic violence Councillor, i wish i had of earlier and i would never of gotten back with him after he left the first time… good luck
Samantha: This is why I think of them as “rapists” and not strictly in a physical sexual manner but also a rape and severe violation of our rights. They concealed the truth from us; it was planned to be that way – some are very patient and calculating. My counselor once told me he has raped HUNDREDS of women just as he did you, with a mask, pretense lies and charm. Of course you are not ugly, stupid or fat you were a victim of a psychopath and it’s a nasty recovery!!! It took the greater part of two years for me to get back on track; to get my brain and thoughts back to normal but once you do the thought and sight of him will repulse you. Mine came into my life after both my parents died 8 months apart; of course he pretended to be supportive, but it was all an act he could have cared less about my emotional pain and loss. When HIS parents died a few years later he called me actually pretending to be broken up about it —- again, it was all an act – these people are really sick and dangerous – sex is part of their supply so they will screw anything that has a hole – they cheat like we breathe and they love nobody and never will.
It feels wonderful to be recovered, I feel nothing for that sick man but utter disgust, he is creepy and makes my skin crawl because he is so disordered. He will be a freak until the day he dies. Dont ever go back, ever no matter how convincing he may seem. They spend their lives acting and pretending to be something and someone they will never be. What you see is never what you get – this disorder will never magically just go away and they will reform and change – its permanent and I cant stress that enough – You may have some rough years ahead because you have a son with him and he will try to use you off and on as supply and use his son as a pawn – DONT FALL FOR IT – disconnect you mind and heart from him as fast as you can and consider him a permanently out of your life — hugs
yeah i have pretty much cut all contact with him and the only way he can really get contact from me is mediation, which he has started… long road ahead, he is trying to have more access to our son, and blaming me for our son not “knowing” him when the whole time we had our son together, he ignored him and spent barely any time with him… somehow it’s all my fault our son doesn’t talk to him much when he calls, HE’s 3 and a half and sounds like he is expected to have the attention span of an adult and hold an adult conversation lol ,,… i tricked him into going to the doctors to talk about our sons action plan for his asthma,(he wouldn’t of done it otherwise) i told him it would be better if we both went together so we don’t waste the doctors time with 2 appointments, he agreed, he even made the appointment, and on the day (i actually forgot) i didn’t go…. he was so mad lol i told him i didn’t want to spend that much time with him waiting for the doctor… (i was at the local lagoon with my son swimming, i wasn’t going to ruin the day by seeing his dad)
Linda, luckily the best thing for you is also, coincidentally, the thing that will most knock him over, and that’s ignoring him. Narcissists HATE to be ignored. It drives them nuts to think someone isn’t thinking of them, or finds them boring. If you are caught off-guard and you bump into him on the street, interrupt him no matter what he’s saying, pretend to text someone, and cut him off and walk away distractedly. If he gets through on the phone by using an unfamiliar number on the Caller ID, interrupt him to pretend to talk to someone else, and say you gotta go and watch TV with your friend. And hang up. For you, moving on is healthy, and ignoring him for now is part of a “fake it ’til you make it” approach.
AND it royally burns his frosting.
Aunt Alex
how do i do that when he calls to talk about our son and it’s not really why he is calling because the conversation ends up talking about or relationship and gets out of control, i can hang up on him but he calls back. Each time i try to have less contact with him, he uses our son against me, like when i asked him to meet us at the local shops for change over now instead of going to eachothers houses (because i don’t want to go to his house and i don’t want him at mine) he turned up and picked up our son and started to walk off without letting me hug my son goodbye and when i asked if i could give our son a goodbye hug, he got a smug sarcastic look on his face and said “i think you can give him a hug when you get him back” and i wasn’t allowed to. Everytime i cut more contact that isn’t to do with our son, he punishes me.
It will take practice – keep communication strictly about your son and nothing else or hang up – yes and no answers – if he asks you anything about yourself pretend you didnt hear it; you dont owe him a damn thing, or explanation about anything about yourself or the two of you – they love to use the children as a tool for manipulation. Do not engage in any type of conversation with him about the two of you – the two of you are finished
agree! N/C w/NARC auntie Alex…
however thru my counseling
she sd not fake it till you make
it(negative)
its reality were in, this is what wre dealing
with ….. get thru it in reality, changing our
thought process our patterns….
this approach helped me, just a thought
to pass on
its ABT us not them!!!!!
courage, peace, strength
THYRE not changed, not happy
believe that….
I’m in the midst of divorcing the narcissist I was married to for 21 years. The pain is unbelievable, and I am still staggered at the abuse, lies, and manipulation he poured on me for so long.
This blog is fantastic! So absolutely true, so funny, and so helpful. You write it like it is. Thank you!
LMAO…this sounds exactly like my poor ANDY whom I will definately ignore, interupt & go out of my way to show I’M JUST FINE without. :0) The pain is very real but with the way you put it very temporary.
They say every woman will meet a narcissist in her lifetime but I’ll tell you this. I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy. I’ve never in my life would even fathom that people like this exist.
I used to think that my ex was getting away with murder one by being able to act so fucking cool after we were over but now I’m realizing the truth that he’s a mentally disordered person and I’d never want to walk a minute in his “crazy shoes.”
We all have unfinished business from childhood but a narcissist takes the cake. They’ll never be healed and when they’re buried in potter’s field no one will care because THEY never cared.
What a miserable existence!
HarlemGurl… I too never in my life would have fathomed that people like this exist. It is absolutely unreal to me that people are walking around like this and that we never saw them coming.
I felt punched across the face with THIS TERRIBLE NEW EXPERIENCE that I never saw coming, could never relate to and will never understand. The part of this that keeps me so crazy going in circles is THIS VERY FACT. How could I have cared so much and they cared absolutely nothing???? It is this that makes this break up so difficult. I have had break ups before but this insanity of realizing that we meant ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THEM………… is a shock to the system. Everything shuts down as if you have been raped emotionally. I too do not wish anyone ever having this experience and I am truly angry that I DID because I DONT DESERVE IT as NO ONE DOES!!! It is sick and yes what we have to be consoled by is that THEY ARE A DISORDERED PERSON…. It is so hard to believe this has happened to me and that I am still going through so much to get past this and feel as if I can’t just yet… but I am waiting for the day that I wake up and can finally say I TOO DON’T CARE AND AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.
Thanks for making us laugh about something that really is NOT funny. Me thinks you have a bit of the genius in ya.
We were to be married within a few years, he pursued me, wept in my arms, surrounded me with love and attention..then poof-gone. He didn’t vanish however without going into an all out campaign about what sucks about me. Also-after doing the weeping in my arms scene several times, has the nerve to tell me in the end-he could give or take our sexual relationship-and me. Gone and moved in with someone within a few weeks. Devastated-there are no words.
I get an email four weeks later stating, he was “healing”, I was an incredible woman, sorry for what he put me through. When I held him accountable for the words he said-the next email was less than wonderful, suddenly I was stale, boring, etc. And by the way-the woman he was living with was no big deal, just someone he would use, f**k and dump later.
Thank you for the article, it helps..I am healing.
My N promised me the moon and Everything under the sun in the beginning. He also promised to be married by Dec 2012 which was a year and a half after we started seeing eachother. It only took 6 months for him to start changing every plan we ever had without telling me and finding things wrong with me. He then told me that he could not longer keep his promises to me the way things were going and that we needed some time to be sure. He kept things pending on what his feelings were and never communicated life decisions that affected both of us to me in proper time. I was always the last to know any plan and he had everytihng mapped out in his head. I was always living in mystery and never knew what was truly happening. My head was spinning and when I would say something to or ask him what was going on to get some sanity back… he would lose his temper and avoid any confrontations and turn everything around to make me someone that was trying to argue with him. It was terrible. THEY HAVE NO INTENTION TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH ANY PROMISE. THEY ALWAYS FIND FAULT IN YOU JUST IN TIME. They only tell you what you want to hear and promise you the moon until they GET YOUR HEART…….. and once they know they have it… THEY TRY TO CONTROL EVERYTHING and have no conscience for the lengths they will go. STAY STRONG! THESE MEN ARE NOT CAPABLE OF KEEPING THEIR WORD unless it benefits them and them alone in some way.
Emily,
been thre done that..
he planned whole wedding, beautiful ring
there is no logic, stability w/NARC, period…
I’ve learned they have one foot in&
one foot out, always….
holidays, bdays etc… they lay it on
then poof…. new supply? same pattern
then they chill then gear up for
summer , fact..
my ex bf NARC exactly same cycle,
he just tweaks it a bit…
THYRE all assclowns, period…
get BK to wonderful you!!!
let them go, for new love, good
things to enter your life!!!!
This is such a great post. Being left by my N left me a shell of a person, half dead. And yes he moved on quickly and easily, and from what I hear parades each new rebound around to social groups as quickly as possible to prove to eneryone that he is normal and desirable.
ha ha yep, that’s what my ex is doing now, he takes his new girlfriends to his ex girlfriend (a counsellor) friend for approval, it’s sick to see. he did it to me when we first met, i met his ex. now the new one has her approval. one big vicious cycle. he took his ex before me to her aswel, i told his ex (the counsellor) there is something wrong with him and he needs help but she has now stopped talking to me because of it.
Wow talk about triangulation – takes his GF for approval to some x gf – this guy has a screw lose (well they all do) nobody needs to be approved by another person what the hell is THAT all about? Guess she doesnt “approve” of you anymore lol what the hell kind of counselor is SHE? She is as nuts as he is!!! Remove yourself from all this – get them all out of your life and focus on your son and your life – all of this is not normal behavior – how many people do you know that do that? Take their GF’s for approval to an x GF? The issue of approval here is his ability to be your son’s father that is what I would be focusing on; protect your son from this weirdo as best you can; the guy is disturbed!!!!
It has been so insightful for me reading up on this topic. I now truly believe that I was involved with a narcissist for the last 4 months and it has made me feel a whole lot better about his dissapperence.
So much of what I have read on narcs fits him personally. The hooking in with the charming seductive side, shocking sometimes inappropriate sense of humour, uneasiness disclosing personal or intimate details of their lives or when they think you are getting closer, keeping at arms length, defensiveness when you blow their cover (the truth hurts). He came, he took and he discarded. It could have gone on for a lot longer if I had let it.
These people are emotional vampires and conmen. I have learnt a valuable lesson though. Next time I will get to know as much about a person as possible before getting involved and I will give as little away about myself as possible.
Here here! The ex of my Narcissist approached me out of the blue just days into us dating (though he’d been chasing me for months) and told me how he’d only broken up with her two days before we’d started dating(I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend), and even then he’d hinted they could still “hang out,” which she thought meant keep the relationship going.
When I called him on it (and BOY, DID I CALL HIM ON IT) and let him know how dreadful it was to lead her on and then drop her that way, he lied and lied until he couldn’t lie anymore and then suddenly I was the bad guy. I’d “attacked” him.
We broke up for a month and then I gave him another chance. Well I was in heaven. We were getting along well, never fighting, he started saying I love you, we were planning the future, I just figured the thing with the girl was bad judgment on his part, and I guessed the reason he was still spending so much time with her was because he felt guilty about how he’d treated her…until he dropped me out of the blue JUST like he’d done to the other girl, he told me part of the problem was that he’d never been able to get over what happened in April. HE couldn’t get over it. The guy who used and dumped a woman after promising her the world and then seemed like he was trying to keep us both in the picture was upset that I’D dared to yell at him about it. What a winner.
Wow…I am so glad I found this blog. You describe my painful existence with my exN of 20 years so well…and actually have me laughing about it! I wish I’d found you long ago. After many breakups and going back to him numerous times when he pleaded, I finally bid adieu to my toad 10 days ago and, for the first time in forever, I really feel this time it is going to stick. I am determined to make it stick. Your statement of not taking any more frog toxin in one of your blogs is helping me!
I didn’t know much about narcissism before and spend way too much time trying to figure him out. I took a lot of abuse but he never broke my spirit and, finally, I have thrown in the towel and realized that he will never change and I am not taking any more abuse. One thing I struggle with though, is alternately feeling angry and then sorry for him. I know he is mentally disturbed and he will never change but I sometimes catch myself feeling sorry for him. Fortunately, I also feel strong enough to not take his repeated calls and delete all his texts, but, how can I stop feeling sorry for him? Or is it okay to feel sorry for him as long as I do it far away? I get angry sometimes, but, not enough as I think I should for all that he has done to me.
Lorelei
Lorelei, IMO the fact that you feel sorry for him is just proof that you’re a human being with emotions! I feel sorry for my N too. I pity him. Pity him that he will never feel a real shred of emotion because the flip side of all this pain is the most incredible joy that we are able to feel. Because we’re human. That’s something the “N”‘s will never know. What a pity to be missing out on something so incredible. To just have to fake your way through ever situation for all of eternity. I say sure, feel sorry for him as long as it’s done from a great distance, but I would guess that as time goes along, we’ll think of them less and less. (I hope) and we’ll move on and heal and we get to carry the knowledge that we’ll heal and they’ll still be the sick bastards that they are.
Rae
Incredible! I am in therapy coming to terms with the fact that I am co-dependent and have been living with a nacissistic/sociopath type. For the first few months (I met him after splitting with my alcoholic husband…how vulnerable was I!?), things were wonderful. I couldn’t have been happier….then the change!!…OMG…affairs, lies, antagonistic. We had been trying for a baby, I fell pregnant. At 12 weeks, I lost the baby. He was VERY angry…I now realise it was because he lost control of me in that happening. During my time with this monster, I lost my job, my health, my social life and I spiralled into debt. It all happenend without me even realising…other that a continual state of anxiety and despair. Like I was treading on egg shells all the time. Eventually I gathered enough strength with the help of a good friend to throw him out my home…….THAT was a trauma in itself. He just wouldn’t go!!! Kept saying that I was mad and needed help and that perhaps I should go on anti depressants!!
I am in touch with the “other woman” with whom he had his affair, (well the one I know of, and bless her…only because she came to my door to warn me of his ways), and she has been a tower of strength to me….we both experienced his narcissistic ways and we are supporting each other in recovery. The lies he told to us both about each other are beyond comprehension. I send my heart out to all the other victims of this abuse. He currently still “rents a space in my head”, but I work every day at evicting him.
I too was in the same situation with my narcissist for three and a half years, he left his current girlfriend for me, but in these years every time I tried to put my foot down with him, he kept Going back to the same woman. It was almost like a battle on and off between her and I. In the end I started to realise he was sick in the head, when I started to study psychology. Don’t get me wrong it’s been three months since I said no more and he’s tried to come back but I’ve said no. So where did he go straight to the arms of her again.shes told people she won’t hear anything bad said about him. I’ve tried to tell her but she doesn’t want to listen to me. The bizarre thing is he’s called Andy. I find it hard still everyday and it hurts like hell, but I have realised that I’m better off without him. Since he’s been with her, I’ve already heard of two other women he’s been messing with, and like you he would come round crying at my door, I soon realised they were crocodile years. So to all you women our there that have been a victim, I feel for you, but your definately better off without an Andy
I can related to all the messages and stories here. I have spent the last three weeks trying to get my head around what the hell just happened. A year with an N and there were plenty of red flags. I called it off on many occassions but somehow allowed myself to get sucked back in. Wanted to believe he was the person I fell in love with. Ex fighter pilot, Harvard Bus School grad, principled, a hero in many peoples eyes and so on. But then there were the signs. No empathy, severe mood swings, no talk of family, arrogant, 45 and never married or in a long term relationship. Had relationships with other women – would excuse it away or deny. Never able to say sorry. Then the final deal breaker – gave me an STD (thankfully curable). Even that was my fault….must have been from a toliet seat….etc. As time goes on I will see this experience as a blessing. Something in me allowed me to be with and put up with this person despite the signs and my gut feeling that he was not right. I need to continue to focus on that and build my self esteem to ensure it never happens again. Oh and as for the hero to zero….to this day he will text and “hope I am o.k.” wishes me peace and happiness, hopes I will find love. NUTJOB. I am not taking the hook again. No contact. Thank goodness he lives in DC and I in Canada. Blogs like these are very helpful and therapeutic. I hope others have the chance to educate themselves before they get sucked in by these sub humans. Knowledge is power!
Seems like I’m the only guy victim here. It happens the other way as well.
I divorced the wife after one year of married he’ll and 3 years of this confusing dream-like illusion I was led to believe was love. During the three year relationship, which starting with a charming, perfect-in-all-ways gal, i was muted to the point of not expressing my concerns or opinions for fear of 6 hour tirades, cut of from friends, family and definitely members of the other sex in any capacity, and slowly hollowed out from my core. Many break-ups and reconciliations, 5 threats of divorce with actual kicking out for things as mild as packing a Billy Taebo video in the trunk, I finally suggested counseling and she countered with an ultimatum. For the whole relationship I forgave and turned the other way. I forgave her infidelity, which she denied and later blamed me for, I turned a blind eye to severe contradictory statements. Was I trying to fool myself?
Well, after I moved out and filed for divorce, I found out she had been married for four years prior to which she never shared with me, she has filed BK twice and is in the hole with the IRS for roughly 100k. This is the girl who told me she had a 1m$ 401k mysteriously left out of her bk paperwork and was heir to a supermarket chain in abroad. Don’t get me wrong, I understand people have issues in their past, but she never bothered to tell me. When confronted, complete denial, blame to me for researching her records, rejecting that it was any of my business and then blame back to me for making her lie.
Picking up the pieces after someone like this is the hardest thing I have ever been confronted with. The first part was honeymoon bliss, the remaining part was brainwashing that she was always right and I was always crazy. Now, I have to unlearn this. The hardest thing to realize that she was an illusion and that the relationship was a farce. I can confidently say I was in love, was a great partner and deserve better. It’s just hard to say this to myself with all the rest to untangle.
Oh my God….You just took the words right out of my mouth as I am going through this EXACT same thing right now. Only mine was not Andy, but MARC (Me – Awesome – Recognize me – Can’t be humble). Thank you, thank you, for making me feel like I am NOT CRAZY thinking all these things about my ex-man who seems to have classic NPD in every way, shape and form… And as this just happened (the break-up) for the exact same reasons you listed above…I was sitting here crying my eyes out this morning, going through the intense emotions of a break-up. And you are totally right!!! I am sure he is carrying on just the way you listed above because that is HIM to a tee. Thanks stranger, you have been a good friend to me today and are helping me to smile and laugh;)
Ay yi yi.
Well, here goes. Women’s intuition: I knew from the beginning something was off, but I rationalized it away, because I had known the guy for years and continually fantasized about him. He seems like a real winner– served in politics, unbelievably attractive, intelligent…
When I walked into my first Master’s class years after first meeting him in undergard, there he was. I tried not to get paired up with him for a project, because I was attracted to him, but always sensed maybe something was wrong even though he seemed like a great catch, but a professor ended up putting us together after my original partner dropped the class. This is the WORST thing that could’ve ever happened, because now I had the “it must be fate” complex and I ignored all the red flags in the beginning. By the way, he let me do the entire project. We got an A. I see now that he skates and uses. Duh.
He loved to trash his ex who filed a domestic against him (which was dropped) “out of spite” for him catching her cheating on him. He had just “broken up” with her– that “evil bitch” when I started dating him. He laid it on thick with me- poetry, promises (red flags, but again I was thinking “fate” like the lunatic that I myself am lol), but would consistently disappear for days on end. He admitted to “collecting his things” from her home.
Fast forward a few months. I’m starting to realize a lot of his friends keep their distance from him. He’s unemployed and can’t find a job, because everyone else is “jealous” of him or is “racist” (he was black, I’m white). I thought… this is kinda weird, but I’ll go with it. I mean, the man did have a legit impressive history of employment. Of course, all of his impressive positions hadn’t lasted very long. Hmm.
Then it started. Suddenly, I was cheating on him. (Just like his ex supposedly did.) And the abuse started. The disappearing acts followed. I stayed, tried to prove myself. It ran me ragged.
Then one day, coming home from a position that he landed, he called me from jail. He wouldn’t make it, because he was arrested on a “warrant” from the old domestic charge. Must not have been cleared, he said.
Turns out, it was a new one from when we first started dating. He was still talking to his ex and working things out all through the first month of us dating and him telling me I was so special, he felt like it was fate blah blah blah…and she filed another one against him the last night they saw each other. He says he ended it with her that night, but he’s not as smart as he thinks he is. I’ve pieced it together, and she found my tampon in the trash (which he accidentally admitted once) that night and likely ended it with him. I was the other woman at the time and she was probably giving him another chance, just like I have so many times.
I must have some shit self esteem man, cause I let it slide. I let missing condoms slide and open condom wrappers slide. I let it go when I found out he met up with a different ex and told her she was everything to him.
I’m not perfect, nor am I always a walk in the park, but I’m an attractive, educated, and financially independent woman. I’m kinda ashamed of myself for letting it get so out of control with this leach. Ugh. No woman deserves this. I take solace in knowing at least I was strong enough to finally walk before he did.
Back to the story….Well, I tried to rationalize the latest domestic. I stayed. I said, let me try something new- I’m just going to feed his ego and love him and not put up any fight whatsoever and see if it proves that I’m not cheating to him. (I must be nuts.) MAYBE he is just really scarred from life- a diamond in the rough and I’ve been too defensive. Maybe it was his other exes and he’s just got trust issues. Maybe people really are jealous of him. (At this point, I’d like to say that YES, I KNOW BETTER, but I gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I wanted him to be what I thought he was. Perhaps that is a bit selfish of me. I know now I fell in love with an idea, not him.)
It went well for about a month. Then, most recently, he disappeared for a night again. Called me the next morning said he slept at a friend’s, misses me. Makes love to me that morning and falls asleep. I know what I did next is wrong- but I needed my answers, especially after he made me run around crazy trying to prove that I wasn’t cheating on him. So I went through his phone. I needed to win- as narcissistic as that sounds haha. I needed my vindication, however painful it was. And I found what I was looking for. I cut him off cold turkey. That was last week.
He’s pursued me to an extent.
He shows up at my home and sends me love songs via Youtube, about how he’s sorry and please don’t leave over a mistake. I very much suspect that while he is doing this, he’s already got someone else coming over at night. I think this, because the pursuit goes on all day and stops at night. I’m no moron, even though I’ve been acting like one.
I realize now that I am in the position of the original ex (when I first met him) and the new one that I just FEEL exists (and this experience has reminded me to trust my feelings) is the old me.
It hurts so bad. I know she has no idea that he is trying to get me back, but I also feel bad for her. It’s only a matter of time before he does it to her. It’s hard when he sends me Luther Vandross songs or shows up here and tries to hold me (I only opened the door once to give him some stuff back and he barged in of course). But I know that he doesn’t really mean it. He just can’t stand the fact that I left.
Very soon he will likely be forced to go to domestic abuse counseling from the pending case with the ex right before me. The part of me that still wishes he was who he pretended to be hopes it is dropped so he can get a job and continue on his career path. The other part, that knows who he really is, hopes this time she nails his ass to the wall.
Part of me wonders if he will be forced to accept himself and if maybe I will get a legitimate apology at some point. In the sickest of ways, I hope when he sees me at school dressed to the nines, and he’s simultaneously in counseling maybe working through things maybe getting officially diagnosed (this guy is classic- any therapist will see immediately), he will realize what a shit he was to lose me. The other part of me knows he probably won’t realize it– and if it does happen by some twilight zone twist of events, by that point, I won’t even care. The next few weeks will be hard, but I know I am better off.
Thanks for listening. It helps. Stay strong and safe and know that there are people out there who won’t do this. The scars will last for us all, but we can’t let it derail us from future happiness.
i got a dvo on my ex and he got his new girlfriend to scan it at her uni and email it to him so he can send it to someone, the thing is, he could of done it himself while at work…. that poor girl doesn’t know the trainwreck that is about to be part of her life… they have been together for about 5 months now, won’t be long til he starts to abuse her too, she does everything she can for him. JUST LIKE I DID!!! at least i know when my son is at his dad, one person there will care about my son… her!
I would just like to clarify quickly, when I say “i was cheating on him” i mean that he started accusing me. I wasn’t really. I realize it sounds confusing.
I have just had a two month fling with one of these people.She has displayed a lot of the traits you describe here.I knew at the beginning she was an N/sociopath and decided to stick around and see if it was really true what they say about these people.Her behaviour followed every description I read up on.Hooking me in with great sex and giving the nurturing emotional one (me) what she saw I needed.Then after a few weeks moving the goalposts by crying out for help with drug and alcohol addictions and ‘confessing’ all her nasty secrets.She actually came out with the line ‘I dont know why this is but I feel compelled to tell you everything.Things ive never told anyone’! The next step was to withdraw the sex and get me cooking for her regularly.She would then go to bed and sleep.If I asked for sex I was told I had ‘a problem’.
I ended it very suddenly last week and she left my home thanking me for the last two months as if it had been a business arrangement.We spoke on the phone yesterday and a very cold brusk person I did not know read me the riot act.There was never anything but sex on offer apparently and I should take responsibilty for my being feeble and needy.She never had anything to give and never will.Did I want to go back to the no strings sex arrangement she casually asked at the end.When I said no she finished by saying.See you around then,bye.
I left my husband of 4 years. Nect month is our anniversary, before I continue may I add I’m his second wife . In the past everytime I would catch him in a betrayal ready to leave him I would get the don’t leave me etc. This time right before him going on deployment I find out he was talking to ex’s and online dating sites exchanging pictures. I said that’s the last straw and bounced. You would think your husband” would chase YOU tell you how sorry he was he’s going to seek help etc. Oo no he told me he did it out of spite he wanted me to find out. This is what I get for being so negative and putting him down. Omg I was so heartbroken because all the shit he put me through I never ever though of doing him dirty. Imagine if I never find OUT he would be continuing as I’m at home being a good wife that I am. Since then he hasn’t answered any of/ my questions. He goes around them.saying.he already told me which hasn’t! He hasnt done what it takes to gain trust back nothing. I’m like why am I the one fighting and your the one that messed up. He calls for his son time to time. On his fb he’s flirting with other women he’s telling everyone to send him packages n to stay in contact with him. What is killing me is fact everything.was a lie… I feel UN worthy . Why does he make me feel so worthless. I’d he doesn’t want me and the boys why isn’t he giving me divorce papers…. Or cooperating with me. He treats me as if I’m a physco path n someone who slept with his best friend. This whole marriage I’ve never felt good enough. Competing against porn ex’s websites YOU name it. I feel as if he has taken everything from me. And I cannot function without him.
Hilarious I actually dated a Andy who was actually an A.N.D.Y to the tee! He told me he loved me just to try to make me fall in love with him while he was telling ten other women the same thing. Caught him out like a cat with the canary in his mouth & claws!
Your article is the missing puzzle piece that I need to finally heal and move on my “A.N.D.Y”. Talk about an “aha!” moment!!! Looking forward to my chance to ignore him in the future. Can NOT wait!!! LOL!! It will be epic. I know him better than he even knows himself. Thank you!!
i am currently 4 weeks out of what i think was a relationship with a narcissist . within weeks of meeting me he loved me and was looking to leave his current partner cos his life was hell because of her wayward kids, he rented a house very close to where i was living , moved in after doing a moonlight flit (so many red flags) … never once looked upset at what he had done to her , Over the months being warned to watch him off other women, i didnt care , past is past as long as he remained faithful to me , was the best few months of my life , made me feel so happy we were so right together , then i found out hed been seeing his ex, i forgave him put it down to sentiment i was already very attached to him , wanted to spend every single minute of every day with me , i was flattered , then suddenly he wasnt rushing home to see me, wanst complimenting me, just as i felt he was growing away from me, he would become very attentive again , first argument turned very nasty , i started with a question about his ex, asked in a very soft way, he started screaming at me saying i was starting an argument , told me to leave his house, the next few days followed with abusive texts telling me what a bad person i was right down to the fact i didnt wash up one particular night , after 3 days i told him id had enough and to leave me alone after id texted him numerous times explaining my so called bad behaviour, then he became affectionate and wanted me to come home , of course i went. over the course of 10 months a few more splits happened but the last one he didnt text , he physically hurt me aswell as emotionally , i then found out he was back with his ex, a week later hes in touch , everything is my fault, he wouldnt have gone back to her if id behaved , then he started to post romantic songs on you tube for me, i met up with him , said he didnt know what he wanted , after we slept together :/ he became distant for 2 days then back in touch again , i ignored him for 5 days , have caught him driving past my house on numerouse occasions , slowing right down to see what im up to , still fall weak some days and see him . In 10 months ive gone from a fun loving , confidentish woman to an emotional wreck, i cant help it i still love him , but the more i read about this illness the more i understand, im not crazy , all the stuff i didnt understand , nobody would understand. currently second day of no contact … again…. i hope i can stick to it because hes currently doing the treat her like a slapper routine now, which after all thats how i feel…. i feel such a bloody fool . especially since he has now decided to tell people a pack of lies why we split, apparently im a psycho and ive been told by a lot of women hes propositioned them while hes still in a relationship with someone.
I just feel like i’m never going to be able move on from this painful break up, he says it’s over but then why still call me??
Control. And the fact that whomever else he has started seeing may not be giving him her full attention yet. Sorry. I know it hurts. Change your number before it gets more messed up- like with me. I couldn’t stay away. I broke it off so many times after feeling like I could no longer take the use and abuse. Finally, I caught him in the act of cheating (which is, ironically, what he constantly accused me of doing). He never admitted it even after the blatant evidence. I walked away and he pursued me for a month. I gave in and saw him again. Then one day, his accusations started again as did his disappearing acts… I thought here we go again. This time, I really walk… That was two weeks ago and I just found out I am pregnant with his child. So, here I am, pregnant with the man’s child and The most repulsive things have been said to me by him- that he will never want to have a child with me, that I treated him worse than he’s ever been treated in his life… And here’s the kicker- that I am a narcissist… This from the man who stole money from me, hit me, cheated on me, and verbally and emotionally assaulted me on a regular basis. If I made dinner, it wasn’t good enough. If I got dressed up, I looked silly or I was “looking for dick.” If I said no to something, it was because i was doing it with someone else. If I called him out for taking money from me, I was selfish bc I had more than he did. I am a smart woman currently finishing up a master’s degree. You’d think I would’ve walked away a long time ago. Don’t be foolish like me.
Oh yes- I forgot to mention another lovely detail. I found out I’m pregnant when I went in to have surgery to remove something that needs to be biopsied for cancer. Throughout the whole experience, my anxiety and possible cancer was “semantics” according to him. The lump is of no importance and can’t compare to the dramas in his life. I’m an “over-reactor.” He has not once asked me how I am doing… Nor asked me if I am okay with waitig to find out about it now bc of the pregnancy. In fact, per usual, he hasn’t asked me anything about how I feel- about the lump nor the pregnancy. All he has said is that I am either trying to trap him or ruin his life by having his child. It’s. all. About. Him.
Hello,
I just came across this site by accident when I was looking for articles addressing women/men who suffered (or are suffering) from NPD. Everything that I have read seem to describe my relation with this young woman to the “T”. She is 34 years old and already have 4 children from two failed marriages and an additional two from a past boyfriend. I was 58 years old and was married when I first met this young woman at my wife’s business. My personal life with my wife has been on the rocks for a number of years proceeding my meeting this woman. I quickly fell in love with her, she was witty, warm, understanding and loving – really, everything I have ever wanted from a relation. About three months later after starting our relation, she admitted to me that she has also fallen in love with me and that I was her only true love compared to the previous relations she has had. I was thrilled because I also felt that I finally found the person that I have been searching for. Life with her was great. I looked forward to each new day not just to do things and go places with her, but because I also felt that she was my soul mate, friend, lover and everything a man could ask for.
This feeling lasted for about 5 months after which I started to notice that she was quite moody. She got upset, clamed down and just did not give me a chance to see what I have said or have done that bothered her. This was very frustrating as I started to weigh everything I say, or do, around her just to avoid getting the silent treatment for hours or, sometimes for days. Whenever I was persistent trying to find what bothered her, she became more irritated and, on a few occasions, just blew up in my face with this rage that I have never seen in her before.
Life continued on, I rented a better home than the one she lived in and she moved in with me. The following months had so many ups and downs with me moving out and back in because of arguments over things I thought, as a man, that they were important in a relation. For example, her disappearing for two days without telling me, or any of her friends, where she has been – how dare I question her about that! During my relation with her, I found myself doing and saying things I would have never thought I would do or say. I did all that just to keep the peace between us and hoping that I see more of the wonderful, warm person I initially fell in love with.
Things came to a head about a month ago when I went to see her at her job and saw that she was leaving with a Hispanic man. For obvious reasons I followed them to a bank where they have stopped and asked her who was this gentleman. She looked at me and told me that he was just a friend. I asked her on why she has never mentioned anything about him and her reply was “can’t I take a friend to work?”. At this point I calmly told her that from now on she can do what she pleases and that she can take any number of her friends anywhere they want. I also asked her to please go home and take her stuff away as I was no longer interested in having her stay with me. I then left and headed home. An hour later she came home and started gathering her belonging and her children’s belongings. She asked me to leave and I told that I’d rather not as last time I allowed her to do that she took every photo I have had with her going to the extent of taking out the memory chip in my camera with all our photos.
About an hour later she asked that she leave to get a truck so that she can move her belonging. She returned later with a girlfriend and started to pack her truck. She then walked to the bedroom where she started tearing certificates that we just got a few days earlier in a 15-day cruise crossing the Panama canal. She then walked to the garage and started throwing toys and vases that I have purchased for her two daughters just outside the garage. She took one of the vases, walked to the entrance of the garage and threw them on the ground breaking them. I asked her to please do not do that but she continued to break another vase. At this point, I was so angry and I took one of the vases and smashed it on the side of a 1951 old truck that I have bought for her to restore. At this instant, something snapped inside her and she behaved very very irratic. I decided to call the police so at least their presence would slow her destructive actions. The police came and took both our statements. One of the officers then came behind me and cuffed me for criminal damage and domestic violence.
I spent the night in jail and the only question that kept going in my mind was how can she do this to me? – we have just returned from the cruise and she was very happy. In all my two years with her she has never complained about any verbal or physical abuse. However, on the police report she must have told the officer that “she fears for her safety” This statement resulted in an order of protection against me – I was served the following morning while still waiting to be released from jail.
In my relation with this young woman, I alienated friends and family members in order to live in peace with her – I did all this in the name of my love for her and believing that I was the first true love in her life. Yesterday, I had two court hearings. I saw her for the first time since the incident involving the police. She looked as a dead person with absolutely no emotions what so ever. I could not believe how would someone that was very happy, or at least it seamed like that, do this to me? She gave her statement and walked out of court like though I never existed in her life. I am still struggling with the answer to this question as I can not stop thinking about it. I am starting to see that I probably was one of her previous victims. The Hispanic boyfriend who was the father of her two youngest children, 3 and 4 years old at the time, she reported him to the police as threatening to her and her children – he was arrested and deported to Mexico as he was undocumented. The boyfriend just before me when she was unsuccessfull attempting to place an order of protection against him.
My main dilema now is that in my heart I still love this woman. However, every time I think about what she did to me I realize that she has never loved me. Does she has a heart? I think she does as just the sight of a dead animal on the side of the road put her in tears. She was generous with the very little money she had sharing it with friends who were more needy. Can a person like this woman have any true feelings in her heart to a relation that seemed to be what she always wanted? Will she ever remember any of the good times she shared with me? Can persons like her express the feelings of regret? How can I forget her and all the good times we shared? I wish there was a recipe that would make me hate her – I can then at least have reasons to stop loving her. Why do I want to continue, though seemingly impossible, want to have a relation with her? In my own mind, I can not stop blaming myself for what I have told her that day and justifying her behavior. I long for the very person I initially fell in love with as I know that this person is inside her!
Ahmed: HEART BREAKING STORY!!! But if I may be so humble to correct something:
” I long for the very person I initially fell in love with as I know that this person is inside her!” this PERSON is not inside her but the PERSONA is. You long for the part she played for you the person she pretended to be – what is really inside her is what you witnessed in the split of this relationship – THAT is the REAL HER – this rage or breaking things ewwwww this sociopath is angry because she could not longer fool you and you started questioning her – that is a big NO NO, you dont EVER question them and when you do you will be discarded like rotten garbage to the curb – you are of no use to her now because you have caught on and she will punish you for that – YOU WILL PAY!!!!!! THis person you long for that you believe is still inside her is NOT REAL, it never really existed – she used this person she played to manipulate and pull you in – you will long for this persona for a very long time you will remember it as the most wonderful feeling you have ever experienced with another person – and when the illusion dies it takes a part of us with it – its painful to let this illusion of love die – you must see her for what she is – a sociopath and this takes time and understanding of the disorder – you will blame yourself for her transformation and wonder what you did to cause this – you did nothing wrong she will do this to everyone she is involved with – – your goal is NOT to hate her as that serves no purpose, your goal is to accept what she is in time she will be pitiful to you – I dont hate the psychopath that did this to me, he isnt even worthy of my hate – he is worthy of NOTHING, he is disturbed and pitiful and I look at him now with utter disgust – he is a disturbed human being that serves no purpose of anything good on this planet.
I GET IT NOW! Thank you so much! This really put it in a way I understand and finally get what my friends/family/psychologist (who i got b/c he made me think i was CRAZY every time i caught him in a lie) are saying. I feel relieved and wonderful and I’ve played so well into his hand. Ugh.
Hello,
I came on the Internet for advice or articles about how to move on from an “ANDY.” This blog is exactly what I needed more than an article. I have all the answers to why he is the way he is, but because I have feelings, I don’t know what to do with the after math, especially when I still have to live with him. I am currently still in school, have no job (he didn’t want me to work-less time with him) and I’m raising my daughter.
This all began two yrs ago. Met him through a friend who worked for him. She obviously didn’t realize at the time that he was an ANDY. Successful, fun, good looking and just a yr out of a divorce. He turned on the charm like no other ( well other than ANDY’S). He fell for me so hard. Wanted to be with me 24/7, called me constantly, told me whatever I needed he’d put me on a pedalsteal, open my car doors, got me whatever I needed before I even asked. Usually I’d be turned off by this behavior, but he was so quiet and charming about it that I figured it had to be real! I missed all the red flags as well though. When other people that found out I was dating him, they tried to warn me but I figured they were just jealous. He was way too quiet and caring to be anything like they described. He had it all. Nice cars, job, toys, electronics, house ect.
Then it began. Every time we went out to the bars I didn’t pay him enough attention. No one in this bar would know we were a couple. We would not talk for days after this. Going out with him became a nightmare. It was always my fault. My ANDY never physically abused me, but mentally. Mentally in the way that everything in our relationship was my fault. It got so bad I started to believe him and went to councling for my “non trusting ways!” How he turned this on me is something I can’t comprehend.
Now, 2yrs later…I am finding out of his infidelities. For the past 3months he has been courting a girl half his age. She called me and told me everything. From them two going on weekend trips, to meeting her all the time and how close he is to her family. Weekend trip to me was he was going with “guys” meeting with her was “running to the store.” When he started putting his phone on lock, it was my fault for not trusting him. He said it was all about “principle.” Started coming home late from work and when I questioned him, I’m so insecure its rediculous. When I confronted him about everything that his mistress had told me…I asked him to tell me the truth…he called the cops on me! They ended up making him leave! I have hard and factual evidence of his cheating yet he tells me I made a monster out of her for even thinking it was her. Oh, did I mention that she had him on 3 way conversation that he had no clue I was on the other line and he lied to her as well! Has told her he loves her and wants to marry her, blah, blah,blah. He even called my older daughter the night he called the cops on me to tell her he had to because I won’t stop accusing him of cheating. He did this because the first rule of an N is you can’t blow their character to ANYONE. they will destroy you before they let that happen to them.
Now I sit here in his house, while he continues his affair and acts like he’s done nothing’s wrong. Still puts on a straight face when i quietly ask him about His affair. I’m carrying all this hurt while he walks around with no emotions and seems to be so fine. Still doing things for me. Fixes my car, my older daughters car, helps my younger daughter with her homework. He’s the hero. I’m thinking my younger daughter maybe his supply for now, because I’m just ignoring him for now. His mistress is so confused and young. He will trap her as well and she will be his new supplier. I told her to run like hell, but of course, she doesn’t know about ANDY’S yet. I can go on and on about the things he has told her to trap her, but you all know the story. I did tell her about his stealing money from his old company and getting caught and having to pay it all back. That was the only thing he got so furious with me for telling her. He doesn’t know that I also know of another time he was stealing. I found records of that. But I will keep it to myself for this will only make him vengeful towards me. You cannot destroy their character. For they are perfect people! Lol. He’s in human. I can go on and on, but its only been a couple of days since I have finally found out about his affair, and I am crushed. So that was my main topic about my N. not to mention one more thing, for days before I found out, I have nicely asked him to tell me if he’s seeing some one. That I will step away and let him do what he wants. His response over and over to me was, “do you want me to lie to you and tell you I am seeing someone??!!”” Wow…
Rae
Oh, one more thing I left out…he never admitted to me about his stealing. He denied it to no end. Then of course when I told his mistress…I was the liar!!
Heartbroken and dumbfounded,
Rae
This is one of the best sites I have found so far and I’m so happy I found it. I have been with my N for 3 years now. He was the most amazing man I had ever met. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship and engagement when I met him. We started as friends going for a drink with others after work on occasion. After a couple of weeks, just the 2 of us began making plans to meet up. I told him from the beginning that I was not looking to date anyone but I enjoyed his company and had a great time with him. He said he understood since he had just gotten out of a relationship also and respected my feelings. He seemed like such a considerate and wonderful person. He would do anything for me and my daughter and I never had to ask, always called to make sure I made it home ok, made dinner for me, etc. He charmed the pants right off of me!!! After a month of being together 24/7 (we worked together also), I slept with him. I do not sleep around and that is the quickest I have ever been with anyone but felt that we were adults (36 & 38) and had spent enough time together that it was okay. After that, we were inseparable. He had full custody of his 2 young children because his ex-wife was “unfit” and I had full custody of my child. Immediately, everything just clicked. The 5 of us went everywhere together, made dinner together and we stayed at his house all of the time. He asked me to move in right away but I declined not wanting to give up my home again in case things didn’t work out. I was worried about staying there all of the time but my child was a little older than his and she was okay with it and truly loved them. She felt like she had a real “family” and loved being a part of it.
Anyway, the rest of the story is just like everyone else’s. After 6-8 months everything changed. There were a few changes before that but it didn’t get really bad until about 8 months into it. He became distant and criticizing, he no longer did the sweet things he used to and was no longer understanding or sympathetic about anything. I was always there to encourage him and support him anytime he had stresses but when I needed him to be there for me, he either ignored me or was rude. There is much more to the story – disappearing, blaming me for everything, criticizing me, telling me I was a whore for sleeping with him after a month, accusing me of cheating ( I have NEVER cheated on anyone) etc., etc. but I know all of you are familiar with this behavior. I could write a book if I mentioned everything that happened over the past 3 years. I guess my main reason for writing is the fact that I don’t know how to let him go. He is like an addiction. We are now split up (7 days of no contact). We have been through this SEVERAL times. I normally handle it okay for the first week because I am still so mad at him and remind myself of the horrible things he has done. But after a week or so I begin to forget the bad things and start reminiscing about all the love that we use to share and how happy we were and our kids. It was the kind of relationship you read about in a fairy tale and I thought I had finally found the love of my life. I have blocked his number so he can’t text or call with his apologies or excuses – I always give in because I want to believe he means it and hope so much that the person I fell in love with has come back around. I know I cannot be with him anymore, he is destroying me!! I don’t know how to let him go though. I have plenty to keep me busy – I am a single mother, work full time and go to school full time for my MBA but he still seems to take up 90% of my mind! Thank you all for listening and any suggestions would be great. Good luck to all of you that are dealing with this same person.
My Suggestion: RUN LIKE YOU ARE ON FIRE – they only come back to further destroy you – the only way to remove yourself from this cult like, addictive brainwashing pathological relationship is with brutal honesty within yourself – only THEN can you free yourself from their SICK influence and poison – That is how you “let him go” by taking the path of honesty – it was the only way that worked for me – two years NO CONTACT – the nightmare and hell is over –
Thank you so much for your reply. I am trying so hard and it is especially hard being Valentine’s Day! I can’t understand why I even care. My birthday was last weekend and he didn’t get me anything, I’m not sure he even said Happy Birthday. Yet he asked me a couple of days before what I wanted for my birthday and then didn’t even acknowledge it. I’m not sure why it surprises me, he has never gotten me a birthday gift and only got me a Christmas present the first year and that was only because he found out I got something for him and then seemed irritated. I miss him so much and I DO NOT understand why!!!! I am a smart, independent, successful mom. I am smarter than this!! I did not grow up in an abusive home, etc. My parents have been married 45 years and my dad is the kindest, most sympathetic man I have ever known. I remember my mother went through a horrible depression for a couple of years and he never got upset. He went straight to the bedroom when he got home from work and would ask what she needed or how she was doing. NEVER made her feel bad or complain about dinner or the house a mess. I guess as I have gotten older I thought maybe my statndards were too high because I don’t think a man like my dad exists so I have become more tolerant of subpar behavior as the years go by. My mind tells me to RUN but my heart can’t let go. I feel sick and like I want to cry every other minute. How do they manage to make us love them SO much after treating us SO badly?? I just can’t wrap my head around it.
Someone PLEASE help me remember what SCUM they are…..unfortunately I am in the phase of remembering the good times and I am afraid I will call him or text him. They are all alike so your experiences will remind me of things he has done.
Christine – STOP!!! You are in panic mode here – let me try to ease your suffering with understanding; I had a fellow survivor who I have kept in touch with for over a year who had the EXACT experience with a predator that I had – so today she asked me a very interesting question – she said “What do I REALLY have to recover from in all this now that I look back?” I know that may seem like a crazy question but it’s actually not. Let me throw you some logic here. You are wanting in all your pain, for a sociopath to love you when in reality this is virtually impossible!! Sociotoads CANT LOVE and no matter who you are in their life you will never and I mean NEVER have a healthy relationship with a sociotoad –
Christine, you have to go deeper than this, by that I mean associating him with things such as Valentines Day, – and letting these days trigger your wanting him and longing for him – Valentines Day is no different to him that GROUND HOG Day, means absolutely NOThing to him -with you, or anybody!!! When I say go deeper I mean it’s not so much what we must heal from this in as much what we must LEARN!!! It was the most painful learning experience I will ever have in my life – but once you learn you are fixed – and once we are whole and fixed we are healed!! Learning what they are is only scratching the surface of understanding what happened to us; understanding WHY we are fixated on wanting a man that severely abused us is where your work waits for you. The reasons are different for everyone
How do they manage to make us love them SO much after treating us SO badly?? Chances are he is not holding a gun to your head when you are loving him after he has abused you – (at least mine didnt) i loved him after he degraded me and abused me!!1 He is not making you love him – YOu are allowing yourself to love a man that abuses you!! YOu know his pattern by now and you know he will do it every single time (just as I knew) you KNOW he is disordered – as I did. Dig deeper Christine – this is what it requires – look beyond him – look past him – it has NOTHINg to do with him and everything to do with you – you hold the key that will unlock the doors of this abuse and pain HUGS
Thank you for so much for replying.
“You are wanting in all your pain, for a sociopath to love you when in reality this is virtually impossible!! Sociotoads CANT LOVE and no matter who you are in their life you will never and I mean NEVER have a healthy relationship with a sociotoad – “
This is the part I am having trouble with. I cannot grasp the concept of someone not actually having any real emotion when they seemed to have such an insight to my needs and opened up every part of their world to me. I have always been a bit reserved with people in the beginning but he seemed so honest and genuine that I shared things and experiences with him I have NEVER shared with anyone. HOW does someone FAKE that kind of emotion and sincerity?? I have lots of emotion and could never FAKE it like he has, no matter how much I practiced.
“Understanding WHY we are fixated on wanting a man that severely abused us is where your work waits for you. The reasons are different for everyone”
I am also having trouble with the statement above – it is so true!! I can’t understand why allow him to treat me so badly. As I said before, I came from a very loving, encouraging, supportive home and I know this behavior is wrong. The only thing I can think of is the fact that I was raped when I was 19 by a friend I had known my whole life. I lost a lot of trust in people and became ashamed of flunking out of college at the time and didn’t want people to know why so I just joked and said I had partied too much. I did seek counseling for several months and chose in my heart to forgive that person because it was only destroying MY life, not his. That has been 20 years ago and I never even think about it anymore.
I have managed to keep my promise to myself and I haven’t contacted him. It is getting easier as the night goes on but it hurts so much to know he is probably already with someone else. Not because he likes her, etc but probably more because he KNOWS how much it would hurt me. WHY DO I CARE WHEN EVEN I REALIZE THAT HE PURPOSELY TRIES TO HURT ME??
You care because you are not structured like a sociopath, never blame yourself for caring – normal people dont go around trying to destroy someone that loves them – this is so against our way of thinking and everything we ever believed.
I cant determine if your experience of past rape is attributed to why you tolerate abuse from this person – you would need to address that with a qualified therapist – perhaps this sociopath was able to establish your trust more readily than most because of his extreme manipulative skills – this was a relationship based on emotional rape – and AGAIN your trust was violated – could be some trauma bonding here because of the past rape and trust issues, I dont know – but it would be of great benefit to you to address these issues with a professional therapist – What you need to focus on in all this is to know that Love IS NOT pain, love is about trust and respect between BOTH parties – you can love him all you want and if all he does is abuse you in return – this is NOT LOVE – no matter how difficult that is to accept. –
Yes, absolutely yes a million times Yes, they can fake human emotions – you will feel like the most loved, adored, person they have ever feasted their eyes upon – but you are the feast alright for a dangerous predator and nothing more. It’s a shocking experience but the sooner you can believe and accept they exist and you fell victim to one, the sooner your life can return to normal – hugs
Thank you so much for helping me to understand more about the fact that he will NEVER change and he NEVER truly loved me. I made it through another night of no contact with YOUR help. I truly appreciate it!! I know I need to work on me and figure out why I accepted this abuse. Unfortunately right now, I think the only way I will get through it is to remind myself of all the horrible things he has done in the past so I don’t fall back into his trap. It is hard since I’m a very positive and optimistic person to make myself think of all these NEGATIVE factors. If I can make through a couple of more weeks I don’t think I will have to remind myself anymore and then I can begin to work on ME! Thank you again!! I’m so happy you have recovered from your nightmare with someone like this and it gives me HOPE!
I am pleased you remained NC – in the long term however, only YOU can maintain NC – it requires more than remembering the abuse; I wish it were that easy – it requires a deeper understanding and awareness of why we want someone who will never love us; Christine you need to work on you NOW as that is the only way you will remain NC. Many victims are severely abused by these animals – yet they remain with them and/or go back. One of the most universal ways they lure you into going back will shock you; it’s not so much the charm and the pretense of their love for you – it the PITY PLOY – they will throw in just a hint of pity or helplessness that your deep empathy side will not be able to ignore – this is why you will never break away from them if you dont stick to nc; you can not allow anything of what they say to enter your mind or heart – because it’s all LIES by a method actor – so be aware of the pity ploy – on your end you are hurting because of an actual addiction you have for him – he has altered many things in your brain chemistry that you are not even aware of – but trust me, the longer you remain NC, the more you will feel these changes. Its OK Christine to hurt, and cry and feel like you wont make it – but YOU WILL – I want to say something that I hope you will never forget – the pain of NC is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING compared to the pain of the total destruction you will experience if you keep going back to him – these are bad bad bad and very dangerous individuals – you are talking about a person who has no remorse and no conscience for the welfare of others – I have said this before to others and I will say it again – looking back at the 5 years he took from my life I felt like I was in a torture chamber during those years and I suffered endlessly for NOTHING, over a man who was NOTHING – he was once larger than life to me and only because I wanted him to be – in my mind he represented everything I always wanted – and they do a good job in making you believe that – and we hang on and hang on and hang on to any small hope or crumb that could make all that come true – but it will NEVER come true ; he is not your dream, he is your worst nightmare – he is ruthless and has a heart of stone – Nobody can do this for you, and you will find you have always had the power to step out of that torture chamber that a disordered man put you in. There is a beautiful world outside the confines of the mental torture this man claims is LOVE – this is NOT love Christine – but sometimes I believe that pain IS love to a psychopath – you decide when you have had enough of the sickness – hugs
“he was once larger than life to me and only because I wanted him to be – in my mind he represented everything I always wanted – and they do a good job in making you believe that – and we hang on and hang on and hang on to any small hope or crumb that could make all that come true – but it will NEVER come true”
The above statement is so TRUE! This is the life I have been living….it’s like dangling a carrot in front of me ALL the time. For a split second he shows me the person he used to be and I forget everything….the next minute he is putting me down or acts like I don’t exist. The more I research and read about this disorder the more it helps me to understand what I was dealing with and that it was not my fault. It wasn’t my fault that he behaved the way he did….but it was my fault for tolerating it. I hope to be able to look deeper within myself to figure out exactly why I tolerated it. I have always been a very understanding, caring, and trusting person. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to carry over past experiences in new relationships because I believe everyone is different and deserves a chance. I’m not sure how I will do this anymore and it scares me. I don’t know how to tell REAL from FAKE anymore and I don’t want to live my life being suspicious of every move a person makes or not be able to enjoy the kind things they may do for me for the thought that they may have an ulterior motive. I don’t trust my own instincts anymore. When you say you are “Recovered”, are you able to have a relationship without doubting everything they do or say?
It takes some practice to trust yourself again – you have to remember that with a sociopath these feelings of connection and love are INSTANT – In a matter of almost HOURS you feel this person knows you like no other; and with that your trust is gained and you become intimately involved almost INSTANTLY – it all happens so fast you dont even know what hit you – This is NOT how genuine and real love works, it takes TIME, months and months to cultivate trust, and love with another person – and we wonder why they can move on to the next so quickly – because it’s not REAL with the next person either – think about that – sometimes we can spend years trying to find that person that is right for us and they are able to ALWAYS have someone – why is that? are they just lucky? Did their next soul mate just drop from the sky into their lap? NO!!!! It’s because they are simply acting and being everything they know their next victim wants….. just as he did with you – INSTANT LOVE that is laden with acting, lies and pretense – Some of our ability to trust again is common sense in knowing this is NOT how genuine love is formed – this is not the movies, or some romance novel or some preconceived idea we have always had as little girls that someday some prince will come into our lives and it will be perfect, everything will just click – but it’s what it felt like with these predators and what we in some ways were so conditioned to believe – and they KNOW this – they KNOW what every woman wants – they have spent a life time deceiving!!! When a man comes into your life and is EVERYTHING you ever wanted and starts to transform into someone else and you get a confused feeling in your gut – STOP – its NOTHING you did to cause this – its a red flag you simply can not ignore or try to make excuses for – it is your cue to LEAVE – what you see with a psychopath is NEVER what you get, NEVER – I am no longer concerned about my ability to trust because I no longer want the things I once did – those things were almost childish in a way – I have come full circle to what matters most in my life and its NOT sex, or someone there to always hold me – it’s not waiting for someone to give me what I want – it’s what I can give to others than enhance my life –
Thank you! I have been very busy in school all weekend and was able to spend some time with my daughter so it has helped to keep my mind off things. It has now been 12 days of no contact.
“It takes some practice to trust yourself again – you have to remember that with a sociopath these feelings of connection and love are INSTANT – In a matter of almost HOURS you feel this person knows you like no other; and with that your trust is gained and you become intimately involved almost INSTANTLY – it all happens so fast you dont even know what hit you”
The statement above is so TRUE!! This is exactly what happended and I had never felt that way with anyone and I guess that is why I believed it was REAL and we were meant to be together. I felt like I had finally found that person that just “clicked” with me. We had both been through some past difficult relationships and both seemed to understand what it took to make a relationship work and communicated about everything so there weren’t any misunderstandings that would lead to bigger problems.
“I am no longer concerned about my ability to trust because I no longer want the things I once did – those things were almost childish in a way – I have come full circle to what matters most in my life and its NOT sex, or someone there to always hold me.”
I do realize now that things don’t just happen that fast but I also don’t think those feelings are childish. I get a wonderful feeling from doing for others and I loved to do things that made him happy which is what I feel a relationship is about. I do however want someone that wants to make me happy in return. I do want someone that will hold me and enjoys having sex, etc. after the first year together. I realize it won’t be as intense later in the relationship but I aslo don’t want to settle for just being roommates. I still want that “spark” along with the caring and understaning. I think that is what scares me….now I am afraid if there is that instant connection with someone, I won’t believe it is REAL.
Hi Christine – Good for you 12 days NC – with NC comes the ability to see through the pretense and facade of what he was with you – the longer you remain NC the easier it gets – you reach a point of no return and you KNOW you can never go back despite how painful it feels – I was able to bury the person(a) he played for me and all that remained was the real person – the psychopath –
I guess I didnt term it correctly – I dont mean that wanting to be loved and loving another is childish – I meant the ideas of what I once believed love to be was childish – the instant soul mate coming into your life – yes of course there are couples that click and find great happiness in each other – but what WE were involved with NEVER LASTED – the mask fell and all went to HELL!! I would not worry about future relationships at this point in your recovery; first you must heal from this – and if you do the recovery the right way you will know yourself in the end better than you have ever known yourself – you will exert boundaries that you never knew you had in order to protect yourself – you will have a highly tuned intuition – its the little gift they leave us, almost like having a 6th sense – knowing yourself is the key in trusting others and never never never ignoring an uncomfortable feeling or question you may be experiencing if something does not seem right or add up. First heal and recover from this; spend time with YOU, get to know you and why you allowed this darkness to STAY in your life with his abusive behavior – those are questions only you can answer but they must be answered no matter how much it hurts. It took me two years to recover from this life changing experience, but I am a whole and better person because of it. You can have everything you want that money can buy but if we run away from the truth of who and what we are we have NOTHING. In the end this experience gave me the gift to love myself – hugs
I was in a bad relationship for 9 years 3 years prior to entering this relationship. I had told myself that I would not bring my past experiences into a new relationship and make that person suffer for what someone else had done to me. Even though I was reserved about getting into another relationship, I chose to go into it with an open heart and open mind. Unfortunately, I guess that wasn’t the right thing to do either. I had those “red flag” moments and things that just didn’t feel right but I pushed them aside. I believed that I was just being paranoid because of my past and reminded myself that this was not the same person. I definately need to work on myself but also try to fugure out how to trust my judgement again and use my past experiences to my benefit but also not let it dictate it. I have started a journal about all of the things that he did to me over the past 3 years. Not necessarily to remind me of how horrible he was but to hopefully see something in it that will help me understand why I let it continue for so long. It has been hard to write because with the bad, comes the good memories also. It has also been hard because writing it all down shows me just how much it happened and how bad it really was. I let him get away with so much and always made an excuse for his behavior but there is no excuse when I see it objectively now. It actually makes me feel sick as I write it, not understanding how I could let someone do that and I COULDN’T see it while I was living it.
I cant even begin to tell you what I allowed him to do to me – I dont need to write it down, it will forever be etched in my memory – one of the most degrading experiences I had with him was after we spent a day together in a hotel the next morning he had to leave and I said – why dont we get a nice breakfast at Perkins down the street – and he said, oh no I have to get going I have to leave – I started sobbing in front of him and in my sobbing I said but I thought we were going to have breakfast together – I realized at this moment that I wasnt even valued worthy enough as a human being for this man to WANT to be with me – (other than in a bed) I wasnt crying because HE didnt want to be with me – I was crying because I viewed myself on such a low level that I ALLOWED another person to view me this way also – I have people in my life who WANT to be with me, who LOVE being with me – people that admire me and value me – and this pond scum sick SOB low life predator who never saw my true value could not WAIT to get on his way – and I thought it was a reflection on me, surely it was MY fault he didnt want to be with me – it was a defining moment for me and as a human being I felt like I was a NOTHING – I felt shit on the pavement had more value than I did – I knew I had work to do on me and I needed some serious help!!! I thought because this sick person didnt love me there was something wrong with ME – I realize not everyone loves everyone; but coming from a man that claimed I was the love of his life and yet he didnt value me enough to want to spend time with me should have told me something – I wanted someone to love me that was not capable of loving me – it had NOTHING to do with me. I was unable to distinguish what abuse was because of how little I thought of myself – (this of course all stemmed from childhood abuse) Now, I wouldnt walk across the street to save him if he were on fire!!! This person was SO unworthy of me – he never deserved to be graced with my presence for one second. I had to do so much work to see that.
I’m so sorry he did that to you and I can truly empathize with your situation. It sounds like one of many times that I was treated the same way and of course I cried too because I just couln’t understand how someone that “loved” me so much could treat me that way. I also didn’t understand why I tolerated it but I did, over and over again.
” I have people in my life who WANT to be with me, who LOVE being with me – people that admire me and value me”
I think your statement above may have a little to do with why I put up with it for so long. I don’t have many people in my life. My sister lives 7 hours away, my daughter is at the age that she isn’t home much and when she is, “I don’t know anything”. My parents are here but they are very busy also and tend to treat me as if I were still 12 years old because I never got married and had the “traditional” family. It doesn’t matter how responsible I am or how much education I have, I will always be their responsiblilty in their eyes because there is not a man to take care of me. I also did not grow up in the town I live in and it is somewhat small. I have always worked full time, gone to school, and raised my daughter (the father is out of the picture) so I haven’t had much time for a social life. I have tried but people around here don’t seem very interested in making new friends, they have their support group of large families and friends they grew up with. Most of them have been here their whole lives so they know everyone and don’t know what it is like to be on the outside.
I want to get out more and meet new people but I don’t have anyone to go with.
BUT, Christine this is the whole key in understanding who we were with – they never loved us for one second – I have always equated sex with love and I think many many women do – it is part of our nature – guess I am one of those women and always will be – dont enjoy having sex with someone unless I know or in this case THINK he truly cares about me in some way – but of course in my case when I confronted my past abuse with my father as a little girl I saw abuse as love – so the more this man abused me or sexually degraded me I saw it as the only way I deserved to be loved and treated – I knew it was wrong and it caused me pain and suffering but I also know I was very very trauma bonded to this predator – this predator awakened all that abuse my father did to me and I had to confront it – I realized that past abuse lead me to poor choices in men – its not something we walk around with in the front of our conscience – it was buried very deep in my psych – that is why when children are abused its causes severe damage to them – they carry this into their adult life and it always surfaces in some from or another unless it is addressed – you can never undo or erase the abuse but in therapy it is designed to make you aware and you have to work very hard in understanding that abuse is NOT love and you were never to blame for the actions of someone who abuses you – its easy to write that on paper because its common logic and sense – but its quite different to view yourself as a person who never deserved it – look how much victims of cluster B’s blame themselves in the aftermath – we believe that somehow they didnt love us because of something we did, and can move on to love someone else – look how much fixation is placed on their other women – they had or have something so much greater than we ever did – truth being this illusion and pretense artist is doing the same thing to them as they did to us – when you live or become involved with these individuals you are nothing but a mind controlled and brainwashed slave under the guise of love – they can pretend to love you for YEARS – as long as they are getting what your purpose to them is they will do what it takes to keep you with them – its quite scary.
I hear a sense of loneliness within you – it’s very difficult in our loneliness to remain NC because on a superficial level they can take away that loneliness – but when the abuse and their cycle of pathological behaviors start, we are even MORE lonely during those cycles and left in pain. We take them back time and time over again to get that ONE moment that makes us believe we are so loved by them – we never know what they will do from one day to the next; will he answer my call, will he want to be with me, will he ignore me, will I catch him in another lie, is he F’ing someone else because he hasnt called for days, (I say F’ing because that is ALL it is for them) – this is the toxic cycle they do to EVERYONE – and we wait on the other end of all this wanting our fix to fill whatever it gave us – that fix is different for everyone – who wants to live that way? I once was in severe pain knowing he was cheating and screwing others and living with another woman (he is ALL hers – you can have him and the dozens of others he screws behind your back,) – now I wonder how that could have caused me pain knowing he was using and destroying another body and soul – that is what I was jealous over ? because he wasnt abusing ME? Hell, I even waited on the shelf for when it was my turn for him to abuse – how sick is that? My turn, my turn – I am up next for you to abuse, please call me or see me so you can abuse the shit out of me – looking back I was PATHETIC – but it was also very sad to see myself as I once was – Christine no matter how lonely you are know this man will NEVER fill any void you have in your life – NEVER, he will only make it worse – a few moments, hours or a few days of his pretend love and euphoria for what? With a psycho you always get something for NOTHING remember that – and what you see is NEVER what you are getting in reality – for you or ANYBODY else who is in their life – I once thought I lost the big dream of everything I had always wanted – ha ha trust me nobody else is getting it either!!! Now you are going on two weeks of NC – keep going – he will never have anything real, and genuine to offer you – unless of course you want to live under a roof of illusion, pretense and lies like so many do. I would rather live my lonely life in the truth – the pain of lies and illusion are far greater than feeling lonely – I also feel lonely but its NOT because of him – it’s because of ME and I can work on my own personal loneliness rather than ever ever turning to a dangerous disordered person – hugs
It has been 13 days now with absolutely NO COMMUNICATION. This is the longest we have ever gone in 3 years. From your experience and others, do you think there is a chance he may try to contact me soon? Or is this a good indication that he has moved on. I’m afraid that he will contact me and I have not had time to deal with all of this yet.
Oh, he’ll be back, Sweetie; I’d bet Army Headquarters on it. Make it easy on yourself. Block him — phone, email, texts. Block him, and then tell yourself he isn’t even trying to get in touch. This is being kind to you — and giving your healing the head start that you wisely know it needs.
*hugs*
“their hearts are like stones, beyond any appeal, from others or within themselves. They refuse to see the suffering their actions cause as this would injure their overly inflated, narcissistic, overly positive self image, which protects them from consciously feeling their own pain shame and guilt.”
Paul Levy
Dear recovered, dear all, please allow me to tell you some things that never crossed your minds before perhaps! Believe me you misinterpret things. They don’t always act out of evil intentions those pathetic NARCs. Their brain is a mess. For example that morning you wanted to have breakfast with im down the street after you spent the night with him in hotel, he didn’t deny because he devaluaed you. Who knows how many other thoughts about things he had left unfinished were occupying his thoughts! These people are incapable to communicate their real worries, their fears etc. because they think they lose their image. It could be that he had obligations, someone was expecting things from him, he had troubles, he had something to finish for his employer, he had promised something to a friend etc. These people live in a world of enemies. Everyone is a potential enemy. Even you who just slept with him. You want to steal his time, make him unreliable to other obligations etc.
Please don’t take them seriously and personally, they are jerks!
Do I make sense to anyone here?
loving wishes,
Annie
do you think there is a chance he may try to contact me soon? Or is this a good indication that he has moved on. “do you think there is a “CHANCE” you ask?
Sub consciencously you are asking this because you are scared and want him to contact you – Is there a CHANCE he will ever be normal? Is there a CHANCE he really did love you? Is there a CHANCE he will be the person he once pretended to be for you? NO Christine to all those questions – because that is what you are really asking – as I once did. Of course he will contact you again – maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe a month, maybe three months from now – THEN WHAT? There is a HIGHLY probably “chance” he will abuse you again – that will be the end result of him contacting you again if you respond and if you see him – so NOTHING has changed Christine – you think he misses you? Sure he misses you as he is screwing someone else and giving you the silent treatment so you come crawling back – or he could have discarded you for a few months – OR, wait I know, I will give you the answer you want to hear – he is learning his lesson and realizes you are the best thing that ever happened to him. I can give you that answer but it wont be the truth. Only YOU have the power to accept the truth in all this – I can tell you dump this loser to the curb he is BAD for you – but it will STILL hurt – as it did me – I can tell you you are better than this and deserve better but only YOU can believe that and act on it – Maintain your silence to him no matter how much it hurts and work on only YOU hugs
Here’s my story: I had been married for over 30 years – been totally loyal and faithful to a man who lied and cheated me – I am still finding things out daily – and I am in the position of having to pay for everything (debt by the hundreds of thousands), because he (my ex) went through all our savings, pensions and more while he was unemployed and pretending to be retired, while I was overseas in a war zone for a year. I believed in the commitment I made when I married him – for better or worse etc., and that it was better to stay together for the sake of the children, rather than get divorced (and even though he hadn’t even looked at me for over 15 years!). But, after I got back from my deployment, and the kids were out of the house I finally said no more and filed for divorce.
While I was waiting for the divorce decree to be signed I met a man online through a dating website that a friend convinced me to try. I believed it would take me months to meet someone on there, but in the first week I was inundated with messages. Most of the messages didn’t appeal to me, but for some reason, I replied to ANDYs. His profile did not include a photo, and when I asked him why in my message back to him, he said it was because of the sensitivity of his job in law enforcement. I said I understood, because I also had a sensitive job in law enforcement. Anyway, we began writing to one another, he did send photos, and he turned out to be a very handsome guy. We had TONS in common and it didn’t take long for us to be constantly emailing and texting. I was completely and totally upfront about my situation, how my ex had put me in a precarious financial situation, etc. ANDY said he had some similar experiences in his past and encouraged me to hang in there and that I would get through it. He would stand by me and help me get through it and be by my side – that he understood the pain and hurt I was going through and how unfair it all was. He desperately wanted to meet me, said my innocence and loyalty to my husband were very attractive to him, and that he thought we would be a great match. I said that I wouldn’t meet that until after my divorce was final, but I was enjoying getting to know each other through our messages. We continued to write and once my divorce was final, I agreed to meet him. It was the most wonderful date ever. We met at his recently opened photo gallery – photography is his hobby from his real job (which, by the way, is as a detective for a special victims unit that investigates child predators and pornographers and sex crimes – very noble and difficult, but he said he was dedicated to protecting women and children). We then went on to dinner, had a very nice time talking, and after dinner took a long stroll by the river walk area that runs through the city. When we finally really kissed by the river, it was like fireworks went off, and an hour or so later as the sun was setting over the water, he had his arms around me whispering in my ear that there was so much he wanted to say to me. I replied, well, tell me then, and he blurted out that he loved me. Of course, even though we had been chatting online multiple times daily for over a month or so, I wasn’t ready for that. He was obviously infatuated and head over heels in love and the date ended with us making out so passionately that it was hard to let go. He couldn’t wipe the huge smile off his face. We set up a few more dates, where we would meet near the sports fields where his 16-year old son was playing soccer or lacrosse. The boy’s mother had died of cancer a few months before and my ANDY took him into his home (small apartment) full time. He had previously shared custody with his ex – whom he divorced when the son was a baby. ANDY never remarried, but dated many women over the years. About 4 years ago, he met a Scottish woman who was in a band that toured the US about half the year and was back in Scotland half the year. He became a groupie and immediately “fell in love” with her and very quickly asked her to marry him. The engagement lasted the past 4 years when he says that he discovered her having an affair on him. He told me he found this out by tracking her cellphone calls in real time on the phone billing statement. So, one time when she returned to his apartment from one of these supposed affairs, he kicked her out of his life. This happened just after the ex wife died and a couple of months before I met him. It occurred to me that it seemed strange that they were engaged for so long, but wrote it off to the fact that she was overseas half the year ( he also kept her ring on, saying it meant nothing to him, just that he liked the ring – and he talked about her occasionally, saying he just couldn’t avoid it, since they had spent so many years together – that he was over her and for me not to think anything of it when he mentioned her. I accepted these explanations, but wondered.) Anyway, my relationship with ANDY was amazing. He called me “baby” or “baby girl,” texted me every morning, called on his way to work, texted or called multiple times a day and every night before bed. Sometimes he sent “timed” emails – so that I could open them all day long at work – and they would have sweet messages in them. He often sent me photos of himself with huge smiles saying they were because he was thinking of me. He sent me songs about finally meeting the one. Many of his emails he titled “horse before the cart” – and talked about our future, what our house would look like, making a home where our children could come with their children. He worried about me driving or traveling anywhere and had me text him so he knew I arrived safely. At the time, I was doing a lot of travel for work, and each time he would take me to the airport kiss me goodbye at security and then meet me as soon as I got off the plane. He surprised me with an i-pad early on, so we could have “face time” every night before we went to bed, no matter where we were. (I did not stay at his apartment with him, because it was small with no extra bedroom, I didn’t want his son to see his dad “shacking up” – with which ANDY agreed). When we finally had sex, ANDY came over to my house (about an hour away from his apartment) and told me that the day was going to be all about me – and it was. He said I deserved to be treated like a princess after all I had been through. He was everything I ever dreamed of – I even said to him once, “If I could design a boyfriend, it would be you.” He blushed easily whenever I would compliment him, and he loved it when I did. He told me no one had ever said such nice and wonderful things to him. I felt that he was my prince charming, and that somehow God had dropped him from the sky right to me, right when I needed him most.
After a couple of months, one morning when I was on a work trip, he didn’t text, and he didn’t call on his way to work. I texted him and asked if everything was ok, because I was worried. He called me and said that he decided to call ” a very good friend” who he hadn’t spoken to in a very long time. I asked who it was, and he said he had known her for about 13 years — then immediately started telling me that he wasn’t going to tolerate jealousy and that he could have whatever friends he wanted, and he wasn’t jealous of my friends. I was surprised, but immediately apologized and said that was fine, I just thought something was wrong, since he had always called and texted every morning. Well, he immediately started saying that he didn’t have to text me every day if he didn’t feel like it, got very angry and the phone call ended badly. Later in the day when we talked on the phone again, I said that I wanted to talk to him about something in person when I got home. He immediately asked if I was breaking up with him and started accusing me of seeing someone else. I calmly said no, I just thought it was better to talk in person. He begged to know what it was, but I said wait, we will talk when I get back. When I I arrived back at the airport, he immediately clung to me like a child, pleading for me not to leave him. I assured him I had no intention of leaving him, and that I just wanted to talk to him. He calmed down, we had our talk about communicating, him not very happy about it, but still behaving like a little child afraid of being abandoned, but ultimately all seemed fine. But soon after that, he began distancing himself from me more and more. There were fewer texts and calls, no happy photos of himself, no more timed emails or songs, many times he ignored my texts and emails. A few times, when I asked him about why he was pulling away, he got furious with me – almost to the point of rage. A couple of times he threatened to leave me during such conversations. I would say fine, he would say fine and we would hang up. He would immediately call back and apologize, tell me he sometimes would lose his temper and he didn’t mean it and would I be his girlfriend again. Of course, I always forgave him and took him back.
Well, over the months, I became very attached to him. I started surprising him with gifts, going to his house and cooking for him. He would ask me to give him foot rubs or back rubs, even a manicure once, and I always obliged. I said that I wanted the same and he would promise I would get my turn, but of course I didn’t. Sex was often on the sly from his son – and it was him getting what he wanted – but when I asked, it was no, not appropriate. One time when his son had already left for school and we were alone, I said I wanted to make love and he got very angry at me and said, you know all guys don’t just want sex all the time. I said I thought since we so in love that we would naturally want to be together. He raged that if he wanted to he could tell me to leave and never come back and not to tempt him into telling me that. I sat there shocked like a whipped puppy wondering what I did, torn between leaving and not wanting to leave what I thought was the best thing I had ever had. Over time, he continued to pull away, and as he did, more and more I tried harder and harder to be sweeter and more generous and more caring toward him. Things pretty much switched – I was the one texting him in the mornings, sometimes getting a response, sometimes not. I was making the plans, buying more gifts for him and his son – some of which were because he would call and ask me to go buy things — would you buy me those boots I saw? Or, son needs new pants, size X. I would oblige and buy them, never getting a thank you or paid back. ANDY told me that he always wanted to go on a trip to country X (far away needing a complicated visa). I happened to find an amazing deal on tickets to that place, so we decided to go. I made all the arrangements (though he did buy his own ticket), and spent all kinds of time and money getting visas, making hotel reservations, researching places to see etc. The day before we were to leave on the trip we had another dust up on the phone. He got so angry he said he wasn’t going with me. I said fine, suit yourself, but I am going and hung up. He of course immediately called back and apologized again. We went on the trip and for the most part it was good, but we had some disagreements where he would “correct” me or my “attitude.” Of course, he was allowed those same attitudes and when he said or did the things he didn’t like me doing, it was acceptable. The big double standard. I was bewildered, but let it all pass as travel fatigue, and of course, I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I was so happy, because I pictured the most wonderful life with him and his son – and my kids would get a brother (who was a terrific kid in all respects).
When we got back, ANDY’s attention toward me became even more and more distant and his temper got shorter and shorter. Not long after we got back from the big trip, I had another work trip, and while on it I got terribly ill. I spent most of my time in the hotel room, sick as a dog, sleeping as much as possible. I told ANDY on the phone that I was sick, had gone to the doc in a box who said I had a 102 temp and was very ill, too ill to travel back home. This lasted a week, and over that time, ANDY never inquired about how I was doing. He sent very few emails or texts and called maybe once or twice to tell me about some problems he was having at work with his supervisors. One morning he sent me a text that said, “I expected that we would have had face time last night.” Nothing more – very clinical and with no sweetness at all – not even a “good morning — which by that time had turned into just “morning” anyway – the “good” was no longer modifying morning in his texts. And he had long ago stopped calling me beautiful, or baby, or baby girl. When I woke up (there was a 3-hour time difference), I texted back that I had fallen asleep early the night before because I still wasn’t feeling well, and that I was sorry that we didn’t get to talk or do face time. I sent a photo of myself – very sick – eyes like slits, pale – just awful looking — saying see, I am really not kidding I feel awful. No answer. After an hour or so, I texted back and asked if everything was ok with him. “Yep” was the answer. Finally he called and I asked why he was upset with me and why didn’t he answer my texts. He claimed he was too busy to answer me (which in all the months I had known him had never been the case), that he didn’t even have time to write a short note. I said that I felt like he was punishing me and that he had pulled so far away from me that he wasn’t even asking me how I was doing, when he knew I was ill. This resulted in rage, him telling me I was imagining things, and too emotional and jumping to conclusions and he hung up. I was shocked and hurt. As I was finally well enough, I was going to catch my plane back home that morning, so I packed my bags. Just before I left the hotel, I went on my computer – I happened to see that ANDY had been posting on face book during the very time he claimed he had been so busy at work and didn’t have time to answer my messages. I texted him asking why he he time to post on face book but not to respond to me? I said that I wished we could talk now, but I had to get to the airport to catch the once a day flight home, but could we talk later? He didn’t answer. When I got to the airport 45 minutes later, I opened my computer and discovered that he had unfriended and blocked me from his face book page and blocked me on his twitter account. I texted and said wow, I couldn’t believe he would do that. He called and started yelling at me that we weren’t dating anymore. I was stunned. I cried all the way home for 5 hours on the airplane. He didn’t meet me at the airport. When I got to my house, I immediately sent him an email apologizing and asking if we could talk about it. Silence. A day later I texted and said I was very sorry, I didn’t mean to upset him or question his motives and that I didn’t want to break up and please could we talk. More silence. I called him – no answer — I left him a calm voice message on his phone asking him if we could please try to work things out. Nothing. I cried and cried and didn’t know what to do. Finally, a few days later, I got an email from him saying he received my messages but that he had nothing to say to me. I went into panic mode. My whole life had fallen apart and I didn’t know what to do. I wrote a message to one of his co-workers that I had met and hit it off with asking what was going on. She didn’t answer. I also emailed his dad, with whom I had a pretty good relationship with. He didn’t answer straight away, but eventually wrote telling me ANDY was a very private person, and that he had recently been through a lot. ANDY’s dad said he liked me very much and hoped it would work out between ANDY and me. A week or so went by with no contact. I wrote a couple of emails — in one I listed 50 reasons ANDY should take me back. Very sweet. No answer. Then, the day before I was leaving to go visit my daughter out in LA for Christmas, AND Y called and said he was looking for a girlfriend and did I know where he could find one. I was overjoyed and immediately said YES!!!! Turned out that his co-worker had convinced him he needed to call me, so he did. That evening, I went to his place and we hugged and kissed and he comforted me and soothed me as I apologized over and over for my behavior. He told me to stop, that everything was ok. I stayed over on a blow up mattress in the living room. The next morning, he drove me to the airport, but on the way over he said he wanted to tell me something that he thought I wouldn’t like to hear and that he felt a little uncomfortable saying it. After hemming and hawing, he finally said he didn’t want me to tell his son that I loved him. I said I had already done that, but not in person – it was when we were on our trip and his son had texted my phone and I responded that all was well with me and his dad and that we missed him and loved him. ANDY said he didn’t know that I had done that, but in no case was I again to tell his son that I loved him. He claimed that the son had already been through so much with his mother dying and the 4-year fiancee leaving, that he didn’t think he was ready to get attached to another woman in his life. I said I understood, that it was a difficult time for the son and that in time it would all be fine. ANDY agreed and said thank you for understanding. He dropped me off at the airport and we left on good terms. Over the next week, I would text or message ANDY and sometimes he would answer and sometimes not. On Christmas day I received a very short, but very sweet message. When I returned home, I texted ANDY as always when the plane touched down. I got a message that once I picked up my luggage to text him and he would pull the car up in front of the airport. Ut-oh, I thought. On the way home I was expecting the worst, but ANDY was nice – though a bit out of it and said was sick, so I wrote off his ignoring my messages over Christmas week and not coming into the airport as due to being sick. When we got to his place he gave me a Christmas card that said “My girl: cute, funny and totally awesome — I am the luckiest guy in the world,” But he said, he hadn’t had time to get me a gift. I said he already gave me the gift I wanted by making up with me and being my boyfriend again. I told him I had nothing but love for him and he seemed to blush. I gave him a card and some gifts for Christmas, wish he barely acknowledged. I was a bit hurt and thought he didn’t really like them, but let it go, thinking maybe he was embarrassed that he hadn’t gotten me anything. But as the day progressed, he began acting very strange and distant. He did not sit next to me,and hardly looked in my direction. He played up the sickness for a few days and I waited on him hand and foot (staying on the sir mattress at night). He was very grouchy — almost treating me with disdain. We spent new year’s eve together with his son and his son’s step brother. It was far from a romantic night. The “very good friend,” of whom I was not allowed to be jealous, called him at midnight. Hmmm. I let it go. We had a nice new year’s day, but I had to go that evening, as my dog sitter’s couldn’t take care of my dog any longer, but we made plans for me to come back the next day. Just before I left, ANDY’s son got up from the couch, came over and gave me a big bear hug. When ANDY walked me out of the apartment, I said, “that was a surprise” — and ANDY said, “it sure was.” The next day, I went over to his place, but when I arrived, ANDY didn’t greet me outside or at the door — he stayed in his easy chair and didn’t move. I said hello, he grunted, and I went over to give him a kiss and a hug. He pulled away and gave me a terribly sour look. I ignored him and said hello to his son and sat down on the couch to watch his son play a video game. ANDY spent the day treating me like crap, barely speaking to me and when he did, made faces and grunted at me. All the while I ignored his bad behavior and assumed he still wasn’t back to himself, was feeling some emotions over the holiday period, and cut him slack. He seemed very frustrated with me, but some hours later asked me to go upstairs with him to put some lotion on his feet, and I obliged. It turned into him F-ing me. We went back downstairs, where his son was watching TV and he asked me to sit on the floor and rub his feet some more. He continued to be very grouchy and continued to grunt back at me when I talked to him. This behavior was even in front of his son, who shot me glances like what is his problem? When I finally got up to leave ANDY gave me a huge bear hug – with an extra squeeze. I went to kiss him and he refused and pulled away. He told me to text him when I got home. I did, but he did not answer. The next morning I sent a sweet text and said I hoped he was doing ok. No answer. A few hours later the phone rang and he asked if I had a minute to chat. Of course I did – and he then informed me very unemotionally that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had credit problems. He said that my financial situation was going to be a problem for his plans to buy a house and send his son to college. I responded that was ridiculous. My finances had nothing to do with his and that we weren’t married, so why would that be the case. He insisted it would be. I asked him how he could say that, when I had a 4000 square foot home, made 2 and a half times his salary, and that if anything I would help him achieve those goals. (After all, he was still living in a tiny shabby apartment and had never bought a house — in fact he didn’t even pay for the apartment – he got it for free in exchange for doing a couple hours of security at his apartment complex every day). He then said, you may have noticed things had changed over the past couple of weeks. I said I did, but that I chose not to react to his bad behavior, because he previously said he didn’t like me getting emotional, so I made a concerted effort not to react to it. He then claimed he needed time and space from me – maybe 2 weeks or 2 months. I said, you are breaking up with me, aren’t you? No answer. I tried to get him to talk it out with me and he claimed we had nothing to talk about. I was too clingy, too emotional, got too panicky and he just couldn’t handle someone like that. We had more words and he finally hung up. The call was later followed by an email saying there were things he liked/loved about me, but that he didn’t think he could handle my behavior. He told me that it wasn’t his intention to hurt me, but that he couldn’t allow me in his life or his son’s life — that I was crazy and too dramatic. Of course I was devastated, bewildered, and confused. All I ever tried to do was figure out why he kept distancing me, especially after he continually told me he loved me and made all these plans etc. I figured that couples who communicated about problems and tried to work them out became stronger. But he raged any time I questioned anything.
For the week after the call he sent me a few short, clinical emails about some success of his. I responded each time by praising him . Some of my responses included questions, but he did not respond back. For the past month and a half there has been no contact from him at all. I have been crying every day. I sent about 1 message a week for the first month – basically asking how he was doing, saying something light or funny, telling him I am getting counseling and improving on my behavior and that I would love to hear from him when he is ready. The last message to him was about two weeks ago, and earlier this week I sent a card in the mail that just said hi. For all this time I have continued crying, feeling like I have been blindsided, beating myself up for my behavior. I’ve been to counseling, I’ve read everything about getting your man back on the internet, and all about the no contact rule and the minimum contact rule. I truly thought I wanted him back – my perfect man who knew how to make me feel like I was walking on clouds. I believed it was me who messed things up, and I just needed to get things back on track. Than, a couple of days ago my tears turned to rage. I raged and screamed at the top of my lungs yelling F you and I hope you die and I hope someone does something to you that hurts you more than you are hurting me. After about an hour of rage, I decided I needed to calm down and pray – I needed to find peace somehow or another. I couldn’t believe I was letting someone who was treating me so cold and callously, someone who had only tried to love him, get to me so badly. Since I was so upset the only thing I could do was pray the Lord’s Prayer. So I prayed it out loud continuously for an hour. Then I feel asleep. When I woke up the next morning, I had a revelation that I had been sucked into the web of a narcissist. What now makes me even more upset is that I didn’t realize it and I of all people should have – my father was an ANDY (who incidentally shared exactly the same, somewhat unpopular, first name as the one who dumped me) – from whom I spent my childhood years being emotionally and mentally, and even physically abused and spending all kinds of time and effort trying to get affirmation, which of course I never, ever got. And here I am going through the same thing all over again. After 30 years of marriage (after my narcissist father, I married the first man who treated me kindly, a mistake!), I was chalking the problems with ANDY up to not knowing how to date and or how to behave appropriately in a real romantic relationship – or what I THOUGHT was real. I feel like I have been hit with a mack truck. My heart is in shreds. My picturesque life has been ripped away from my dreams. I am on an emotional roller coaster – alternating being angry with pitying him, pitying me, thinking I am stupid, wondering if at my age I will ever find another man who will love me, wondering if I can trust ANY man, thinking ANDY was the perfect partner, giving me everything I ever could have dreamed of, then realizing it was fake and I was had and used, and actually raped, since when he f-ed me the the last time he already knew he was going to dump me. I feel every day like I am going to vomit. My nose is chapped from blowing it so much from crying. All I want is to get over this and him and get peace back in my life. Like Christine, I don’t have many friends. My ex managed to win many of our friends in common away from me, since I was the bad guy who filed for divorce, the kids are all far away, I have a sucky job where no one talks to one another, no local friends – I am very lonely. I long for the times when ANDY made me feel like I was on cloud 9, but I know it wasn’t real, and that alone makes me nauseated. I feel so lost and going crazy – wonder if with the divorce, and financial problems, and now being dumped by what I thought was the most wonderful man in the world, if I would be better off dead. Terrible to say – and I am not seriously considering suicide, but sometimes my thoughts wander into maybe I should just crash the car or things like that. I am scaring myself. I am seeing a counselor and have been talking to my doctor, but nothing seems to help. HELP!!!
Sorry this is so long. I am still processing it. And really, I only gave a tiny fraction of all the events. Thank you for reading this and being there!
All of these stories are so similar….My marriage ended to the sober alcoholic pot smoking narcissist after numerous affairs and flirting that started even before we got married…his finally discard was after 35 years together…and 3 kids. He had another victim before he left me….but switched up shortly to a better codepdendent within a couple months of leaving and filing for divorce…he moved in with her within a couple months of the finalization of the divorce. I question whether if it’s me that is so damaged that that’s why he had serial affairs…drank and smoked pot…at least he told me it was. So I figure it must be me….He told me if I had just done alanon better we could have had a wonderful marriage…if I didn’t have my head so far up his ass checking out what he was doing (which I was trying to recover from the latest affair and divorce filing just a year earlier with an AA newcomer…still drinking)…he “loved” her for the 8 weeks they were together…but even she dumped him…but I “NEVER” saw the reasoning to leave him because it was all my fault. So sometimes I read these posts and say….” are these women, such as myself, just bitter because we got dumped”? Does this not really define who we were with, but that it is because we had so many problems that they finally had to leave us to save themselves from our behavior….and we’re just bitter because thye left us and found love with another woman?….Self blame is at an all time high…. I’m sure he is screwed up….but not as screwed up as me….he says all the right things…that our relationship was toxic and not good for him….that when I out of anger thru something of his away…(i know childish…he had been mocking me about why I wanted to check his phone and that it was ridiculous and unacceptable…even though he had cheated over and over and over….even more in his sobriety!! He said well payback is a “mfcker” isn’t it…That since he hurt me that i would hurt him and that he thought I was so selfish I would never apologize to him…..He was comparing his affairs to some internet printed stuff he had!! That it was equal!! The stories need to be in a book there are so many….but I still see him as the good catch even though he was a cheater….and selfish…that was my fault because my over emotional reactions were unacceptable…so he was justified!!! And all guys cheat and behave like this…
Dear April, your story has shocked me so much that I have to write to you. It has been a long time since you broke up with that incredible creature, your ex ANDY! How are you doing now? I hope you are recovering well!
What I find especially amazing is the fact that you are such a successful, intelligent, smart and most probably good looking woman and inspite of that you let yourself become victim of that psychopath.
I tend to belive that these psychopaths have a talent to pick up the best ladies. I am myself in the course of getting rid of someone who has tortured me during the last 3,5 years. Fortunately I never became intimate with him, something was telling me to kee proofing his case.
But I have been emotionally exploited and even matterially partly.
I apply the NO CONTACT therapy for me, keeping him out of any possibility to reach me. This goes on ever since one month. There is no chance that I might ever take him back as I only feel pity and disgust for this person now. He was foolish, he was so certain that he had me that he betrayed himself at the last moment.
The main reason why I write to you is first because I am really interested to know how are you getting on now and second because I feel I have to warn you! Your ANDY will come back to you! BE CAREFUL!!!
He WILL COME BACK. You are high above him and he will need to profit from your character, wisdom, life style and all.
Sending you warmest wishes from Germany!
April – This story is so typical of a sociopath – It’s criminal behavior, but unfortunately no laws were broken; only our trust and our hearts were. PLEASE continue with your professional counseling but please also continue to learn of others who have experienced what you did and KNOW you are not alone – you feel victim to a sociopath – when reading your story I knew the defining moment his mask fell – there is a traumatizing moment for all their victims when this happens and we cant make sense of it – will the real ANDY please come back – where did you go – unfortunately the Andy he transformed into is the REAL him – the con man, the fake, the thug, liar, ragefull, mean, moody, cheat, – you need to know this is what you REALLY lost in all this but it takes time – the illusion he fed you and played for you is just as sick as what you discovered he was – its ALL a part of their disorder – there is NO good side to them – there is a PRETEND side but NEVER a good side – its important to remember that – dont associate the wonderful, perfect prince as good – because it wasnt – it was a pretense played by a very very disturbed person to fool you – stay in counseling – you CAN recover and when you do ITS beautiful !!! hugs
Good Morning,
I hope everyone is doing well. I want to thank those of you that have responded and been so kind and helpful. I haven’t been in touch for a few days….work and school are crazy right now. I have now been 19 days with no contact. I would like to say I am doing better but that would be exaggerating at this point. My mind is becoming a little clearer and realizing that it is best that he is out of my life but my heart still hurts just the same. I am going through alot of emotions right now. I feel so much anger at myself and at him. Right now I am just going though the motions. I go to school, work, take care of my daughter, the house, etc. I feel more like a robot because if I acknowledge my feelings for more than a few seconds, I’m afraid I will either just fall apart crying or smash everything in the house (not something I do) I just feel that much anger right now. I’m hoping day gets a little better. Hugs
Very predictable – like all of you said and just like in the past, he contacted me last night. It took him longer to contact me this time but it’s the same old story. He called twice and left four text messages telling me how sorry he was and that he loves and misses me. I did not answer and I did not reply. I wish it were all true but I know it isn’t. If I had answered, everything would have been good for about 2 days and then he would have started treating me like crap again or avoiding me and disappearing. It has been 22 days now!!!! Thank you to all of you and to those of you that have recovered…..congratulations!!! To those of you just starting out….believe everyone on here….it does gets easier EVERY day. I never thought it would and I already feel stronger after only 22 days! Hugs!!
Christine: In the end it is us that must vanish forever – someone that loves you does not treat you like shit period!! NEVER !!!! They play sick destructive games with peoples lives – they are really useless and totally worthless – you grieve the fantasy love illusion you were under and you throw the mentally disturbed real person out of your life FOREVER – remember the same person that professes his love and missing you is the SAME sick SOB that will abuse you two days later and vanish on you – It’s almost a comedy act now when I think about it – do not ever respond to him your silence is telling him GO TO HELL and if there is karma I pray they all end up there — hugs
recovered…. You said that if there is karma you pray they all go to hell… my question to you is… DO THEY DO THIS ON PURPOSE??? OR ARE THEY DISORDERED AND SICK AND NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DO??? It is so sick and hard to understand but I don’t know whether to hate them or feel sorry for them because they are this awful.
Thanks
a full blown psychopath will try to hurt others on purpose YES – and yes they know what they are doing that is why they do it!!! They know damn well what they are doing when they wear the mask and play the Mr Perfect and they know damn well what they are doing when they rip off the mask – its the only way they live – manipulate, lie, control and power
Emily – they promise everyone the moon and stars and they give none of it to anyone; no matter WHO you are. I often wondered what he gives his GF of 10 years thatt he never gave me – NOTHING -he just feeds her more lies and brainwashing than he did with me – her dreams never came true for her either with him, and I know that from my experience with him – I saw the lying, cheating side of him – I saw the side he hides from her and its NOT PRETTY!! Did she get what I once wanted so badly? NO, its nothing but an illusion for her also.
Tomorrow is my day! I have to admit; I wrote the letter. I guess I won’t send it. After seven years with the N, I broke it off for a year. I fell right back in after that year. Now, I have been with him for two more years. This time I understand who he is, how he thinks and how he will always be. I have made lists on my phone to refer to when I feel lonely, sad or weak. They are all positives to push me to be strong! I can do this and I can stay strong! I am in my 50s . Time is short. I only wish I had understood sooner. I look forward to the happiest days ahead!
My N contacted me (again) yesterday via email and text. He wants to meet with me to apologize. It’s killing him to not have control over me. I have not replied to any of his attempts in almost 3 weeks now. I plan on never responding – I rather pull my hair out than go through another useless and painful conversation with this disturbed man. In his email he once again put blame on me stating I was unfair but wants to hear all the unfair things I have to say. He also said he wants to apologize in person because I deserve that – OH REALLY? There was no respect during the relationship, why now! He just wants to get in his last word and put it all on me so he can move forward and get his fix. I have no interest in seeing him or hearing him out. My only concern is that his next step is showing up at my front door. I don’t know what to do if that happens. Any thoughts on how I should handle if he shows up at my door?
Almost Recovered- yes I know how you should handle it – DONT ANSWER and NOT open the door – you will never recover if you allow him to see you – they are our poison, and our drug they know our every weakness – you must fight to save yourself and never see or speak to this person again – Take the advise of someone who learned this the hard way – what a laugh, wants to apologize in person because you deserve it – since when does he care what you have always deserved? Did he grow a conscience while he was away? Its a ploy and bullshit keep the door closed
Thank you! It’s been a while since I’ve visited the site. I appreciate your reply very much and I agree with you!! Luckily, he has not shown up at my door!! But…after almost 1.5 months of ignoring him (NC), I ran into his friends at a game just last week and luckily he was in the bathroom so I didn’t see him (THX GOD)- I said hello to the friends quickly and ran to my seats which were above his seats (luckily). During the game, he texted me saying hello. I didn’t reply. After the game, the texts got nasty because he was drunk. (Drunk texts) and 2 voicemails in the morning (insulting me for not saying hi). Today, (a week later) I received 3 more texts about me being so cruel for not giving him a minute of my time to talk. He always finds an excuse to contact me. It has not stopped!! So here is my next dilemma…I will see him at a game next week as he has informed me that he will be sitting at my row where my seats are. There are 4 seats together. I have two and he has the other two. But since the breakup, I have traded my seats out on the games I know he is there to avoid sitting in same row with him. However, with the game coming up next week, I had planned on taking a date (hot date!) because he did not have the other 2 seats – but now that he’s informed he is going, he has ruined my plans and I don’t think it’s a good idea to take a guy to the game. I think it will cause major drama and/or a fight. He will be disrespectful to my date and to me. He will mouth off during game and be rude. I know this because once he drinks, he gets nasty and especially with our situation, it will set him on fire. So do I take a girlfriend instead and keep it safe? I definitely do not want to give up my seats because of him – they are expensive seats and it’s my night, not his. He forced this run in to see me. He doesn’t have to be at this game, it wasn’t his turn for the seats. This will be our first face to face since I broke up with him 2 months ago. This man is seriously a nutbag – delusional and deranged. I’m so embarrassed to have dated him.
You know your N the best. Here is some food for thought: My N cared about how he looked in public, many Ns do. Think about how he has behaved in public prior to this event. Mine would show his best behavior in public and bully me in private, like your text messages and voice messages. The N wishes to make others think, it is you, whom is crazy with the problem, not them. They can only do that by showing good behavior in public and bullying/abusing you behind the scenes. It sounds like, he continues to abuse you through his texts and voice mails. From my experience, the N never plays fair, (its your night with the tickets) that is one reason we can’t stand to be with them. They always yank us around emotionally. Well, this event is probably no different. He has a plan, thus his reason for going. Maybe, he is bringing a date, one of the N’s ways to abuse. You need to make a decision about how strong you can be. If you can be strong, go and be on your best behavior. He will look bad if he is not on his best behavior. If it gets out of hand, quietly ask for security, they will help you. Others around you will also be offended by inappropriate behavior.
Warning: They are predators, so make a safe decision. There may be danger in going. Think forward to the moments after the game, leaving the game, and returning home safely. Think for the safety of the person you take.
We need to become stronger emotionally to move beyond their abuse. You will become stronger, if you can refrain from reading his abusive texts, listening to his abusive voice mails and reading his abusive emails. Each time you do one of these things, you allow him to continue to tear you down. Give it your best to block his phone from yours. You can also block emails. I know it is often difficult, but try with all your might to take control.
I completely understand what you mean when you say you are embarrassed to have dated him. I feel that way too. I was married to one for 19 years and then dated another for 8. I didn’t understand the N’s way of thinking. I didn’t know they existed. I thought most people thought the way I do. I owned the problem, thinking, I could change the situation if I would just do X. They think differently than we do. I am glad, I don’t think that way. But I continually need to remind myself, they think differently, and they always will. There is nothing we can change in ourselves to help them think the way we consider to be normal. The problem is not in us. It’s in them. Life is ever changing. You may need to make some changes, in your choices, to rid yourself of the abuse and to move forward to happier life experiences.
Thank you, Wisegirl. You’ve given me clarity and reminded me of a few things I had forgotten about with the N. As I look back at previous times where he acted out, I recall two instances where he accused me of looking at someone else. One out of the two times, he asked if I knew the guy sitting next to us at our table and when I said “no.” He said, “that’s not what he said.” He would make me go crazy!! When we walked out of the restaurant, he embarrassed me and confronted the guy by asking him if he knew me. As it turned out, he didn’t. Thinking back at this- makes me sick. I had forgotten about this incident from New Year’s Eve. So, I don’t want to deal with the aftermath of the game if he sees me with another man. He will go off the deep end and when he drinks, it’s guaranteed things will not go well. Again, I want to thank you for opening my eyes to the possible danger and the safety of me and my date. You never know what these N’s are capable of doing. He has proven to me already that he is not normal and I shouldn’t trust his actions for one half of a second. I will think my plan through for the game and most likely take a girlfriend or give up my seats… I don’t want to deal with the repercussions of this sociopath. It’s not worth it to me…
My relationship with my N has just ended about two and a half weeks ago. When we first met we began out as best friends and he even hired me as his office manager\ assistant .and did everything together. I was just getting out of a five year relationship with one of his friends. One night after drinking he pursued me, I was completely caught off guard and thought that it was just a mistake. The next day he set up a beautiful picnic in the park and expressed how he loved me for years even when I was dating his friend and that I was his ” dream” girl and he loved me and promised me the world and that it would be amazing to end up together because we were best friends. We literally spent everyday together did everything together. Around the two year mark he started acting strange and being secrative and distanced himself blaming me for always cheating ( which I wasn’t) he’s also 16 years older than me. I thought he was just going through a mid life crisis but it started to get deeper and violent and abusive physically, mentally, and emotionally. He blamed me for EVERYTHING saying I was crazy, Im going to leave him that was his biggest fear and finally one day I did because I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and started seeing someone else. When he found out it was the first time ever I saw emotion from him he began crying and apologizing and said he would get better and make things right. I believed him because I saw his emotion finally! Maybe I did mean something to him, well that lasted for about 4 months him on his best behavior and then it started again. December of 2012 we got into another heated argument and everytime we fought he would constantly bring up me leaving him and how bad I hurt him and it was all my fault for him to act like the way he did our fight escalated into me ending up with a fat lip and cuts on my face I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared and actually blamed myself. He kept apologizing but still blaming me and I know I know how stupid I am but I took him back again I thought if I left for real I would have no job, no him, no life nothing. About two weeks after that he started being distant again and changing the way he looked started taking enhancements, constantly yelled at me for making him look bad cor supposedly looking too pretty. i though a guy would feel nice knowing he had a nice girlfriend, hated that i was taller than him.Now two and half weeks ago something woke me up in the middle of the night and I was suspicious and went through his e mail and found him emailing this other woman. I confronted him on it even showed him what I found he denied denied denied, but in his emails he was saying the same things to the woman like he once said to me. He blamed me for going through his stuff which I know wasn’t right but grateful that I did because it finally gave me the strength after 3 years of torture and abuse to quit my job and stop seeing him. I have not yet heard from him he has not contacted me because the last time we spoke he told me to kill myself and said he would have me arrested for what I don’t know. He blamed me for contacting the girl he was e mailing with because I told her that I was his girlfriend for five years and apparently she didn’t know that. All he kept saying is that this woman befriended him and made him feel good about himself and understood him. I just am in shock with how he blamed me for everything and has not contacted me even after everything he showed no emotion whatsoever and just left me flat. This was my best friend and boyfriend and boss and with all three relationships I had with him I made him my life and now I have nothing I’m looking for work to keep busy but can’t seem to get over this whole situation. I am sorry that I am
Rambling I’m just so hurt and lost and confused. Even when I once told him he was narcissitic he freaked out an told me I was! All your words and stories are very therapeutic to me an i am so grateful to have found this site.
I agree! This is a very helpful site! It helps us be strong! You need to be strong! Everything will be okay! The internet has a wealth of information on Narcissism. Also, awesome book to read. Look it up and read all that you can. As you read, your emotions will change. You will feel lucky, glad to be free of “the life threat” in your life. They are, and they have great potential to be very damaging to you and others you care about.
June is Narcissism Awareness Month. Become even more aware and help others to become aware. Work to replace the loss you feel with positive people, activities and interests! You can do it! We are all rooting for you and are here!
Recovered, I want to thank you for helping me and so many others. You are right on target! You have an awesome way of tell it, the way it truely is! Thank You!
Wisegirl – better late then never just want to say your welcome and thank you for your lovely compliment – I dont read much on blogs anymore but once and awhile I pop in to see if I can help someone – This is a very good site backed with so much knowledge about this disorder – Alexandra knows her stuff!!! She does a good job in making them look like idiots and that is exactly what they are – it takes a long time for us that were so wounded to see how truly sick and pathetic they are – I call mine a SICK TUCK as apposed to using the F word, lol and sometimes I am still in shock and say What the tuck, what was wrong with me that I wanted that piece of shit – well I know exactly what was wrong with me I was reliving my childhood abuse – maybe I needed to do that in order to understand what I had been carrying around inside me that was not right. It’s different for each of us but I know the only question in the end I had to answer was why I wanted someone that severely abused me like that – when I found that answer I saw him for what he really was and there was no more pain Hugs
I have been 14 years with a N. We had lots of fun and i really love(d) him.
I left him about 8 months ago. i felt happy, met another guy who was really good hearted and tender. i wondered if there can be so nice a person. it didn´t work anyhow but i got an experience of a good person. compared to my N he was an angel.
then i heard my N had found a new one. i became sad and started to miss him. i was jealous of the new one too.
i started again sending messages for him and told him i never stopped loving him. he was cold and said try to find someone and he is not coming back cause i am cruel….
it is true, cause he was so bad for me and when i tried to separate maybe 10 times in 14 years i always sought someone to care of me. but he always came to take me back. then i was told i was a whore. in a way i understand that it hurt him of course. i started to think i am the bad one. maybe i am the N actually? he didn´t have anyone when we were separated he told me.
i did some N tests and i am not very narsisstic, but there are some traits in me too.
u start to doubt yourself in that kind of relationship. he abuses you terribly then you run and try to find someone to lean on. after that you are called immoral and you are the root for all problems.
i understand i should not have jumped straight to new relationships but i desperately tried to get rid of him. i am very sorry that i hurt him. i think that maybe he would have been nicer if i had stayed single during separations.
now i feel i have lost him forever. i still love him though i know it would not work if we tried again. he always starts to mention about those other guys i dated during separation.
i know living with him is like i would be in a cage and must do everything like he wants but i still miss him terribly. am i crazy?
You’re not a narcissist. Hope that news isn’t too disappointing.
Neither are you crazy. You’re just sore, reeling and exhausted from years of exposure to a toad. Give yourself time, love, and The Army, and you will heal.
Hugs-
Aunt Alex
A very helpful and insightful piece that I found reassuring and so many of the comments and replies have also struck very clearly with my own feelings and thoughts it really is so helpful to read others experiences. I think I am personally just starting to get some sense of myself back after two years from being discarded. its a very tough journey but worth every step. thank you and my best wishes and my respect and support to everyone making the journey away from the darkness P
My N and I broke up three days ago. I saw so many red flags in the beginning, but I ignored them because of the intense “love” that he showed me in the beginning. I had just gotten out of a terrible break up and what he provided seemed to be exactly what I needed.
He played me to the core. I was “the only girl who had ever wanted to cook for him,” I was one of two people he had ever told he loved, I was the best [insert whatever you can imagine]. The insurmountable number of compliments always seemed the slightest bit far-fetched, but it felt so great to have someone love me finally.
Then the bad times. He was incredibly jealous. He got mad at me for being sad when he was around (“I thought you’d be happier to see me”). He berated me for the rest of the night when, after meeting a number of my friends for the first time at a friend’s birthday party, they didn’t pay enough attention to him or want to get to know him. I was degraded for having guy friends. I was degraded for being “uppity” about the things he said. When we fought, he would throw out these absolutely baseless accusations.
He could never get enough attention. His eyes wandered when I spoke. He interrupted me all the time. He always made the conversations about him. When I talked about visiting with my friends, he’d ask if we had talked about him (and get hurt if I said no).
He constantly lied– about everything. Just… everything.
Still, there were the sweet dinners, the little gifts, the vacations, and the promises. Oh the promises. They rarely materialized, but when they did, he was a dream. He’d get grumpy or find a way to fight, but it was almost always a dream.
Then he started getting distant. I thought it was his anxiety issues (comorbidity here?), but it just felt too “off”. I was constantly fretting– then he’d give me just enough reassurance to get by. I started counting the good days with him. I started feeling like maybe this wasn’t the best idea, but I should stick with it because of all of the promises.
I found odd texts from girls on his phone. He never told them (girls with whom he had hooked up before me) that I even existed. I spent almost every night with him, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he did cheat on me.
Then, when he asked me to live with him, I cancelled my lease. Two weeks before moving in, he says no– that his parents didn’t like it (he’s 30 at the time). I honestly don’t think he ever even approached his parents. When I went into crisis mode due to not having a place to live (and while studying for the bar), he didn’t understand. For days I cried about the stress and about not getting to have the close life with him that I wanted. When I pulled myself together and asked him to let me stay until I got it figured out, suddenly everything was about me. We broke up.
Knowing what he is now, I’m so happy that I held my composure and didn’t cry once during the break-up talk. I haven’t contacted him.
Still, it has only been three days (of nearly a year-long relationship), and I have never felt so drained, sad, alone, hopeless and helpless. I actually don’t miss him at all. I do miss what I thought we would have and the fact relationship that we had in the first month. How do I get past the sadness? How do I cope and trust again? This man was and is an absolute predator. How do I bounce back to the happy, bright-eyed person I was? How do I stop myself from wishing he’d text or call?
A.S.
Three days is just the beginning of a long recovery ahead of you. You are still in the shock stage – All the things you wonder -how will I trust, when will I be back to myself why do I still want him…. that will all get better but you have to do some work to make it better it doesnt happen by itself. There is something you should be very thankful for, that you didnt end up spending years with a toad. The longing you have for him will subside slowly as you realize no matter how much you want him he will never never never never give you a relationship that will make you happy – so if you feel you are unhappy now – go back, give it another try and you will see how much unhappier you could be than right now. Most of us have done that and it’s not pretty. In looking back at my situation I realize I never had a relationship with a person, I had a relationship with an “addiction” – You see a toad is not a genuine person; call them what you want, sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, NPD’s …… the clinical term for them does not really matter all that matters is they ALL hook us by pretending to be everything we ever wanted and THAT is the drug, and the addiction that we long for – he will never be what he once was to you those days are gone and if he is – it wont last – the mask he wore will slip from all the slime these toads carry – you kissed a prince and he turned into a toad – he is the exact opposite of everything you thought he was – I am two years out from this sick predator – he is probably in some swamp somewhere sitting on a lilly pad waiting for another innocent victim to slime. I am back to myself again and I feel whole and healthy again and the pain is totally gone because all of them are really sick and only time will turn your love off for this fraud. hugs
It’s almost 2 months after my breakup with my N. We were together for almost three years. This was the fifth and is our final break-up. In the past, he always returned and promised me monogamy, but not this time. This time, after gathering a lot of information ( this relationship turned me into a super-sleuth, brilliant detective) I called him out on his lies and cheating told him that he was a sex addict and said it’s over! He accused me of being controlling, manipulative, possessive, untrustworthy and judgmental because I snooped and was unwilling to tolerate his bad behavior and lies.
In the weeks leading up to our end, we had a few fights over women provocatively flirting with him on Facebook and him flirting back. He said I was invading his privacy and that I was making more of the flirtations than what they actually were. He said that, “Women just have a need to throw panties on his stage,” and that they were in love with the “idea” of him because they did not really know him. I argued that women need to be encouraged to post romantic and sexy comments on Facebook because women need to feel secure to do that because women don’t like to be rejected. My intuition was screaming at me that so much more was going on, but he assured me that, “There was no ONE else.” Technically he was right because there were, in fact, many others. Not only was he encouraging his fb gals to visit him, he was having random and regular hook-ups with strangers and posting craigslist ads to have encounters with MEN! Meanwhile, we’d be having sex once every three weeks that amounted to me manipulating myself while he jerked off, emptying himself over me. Sex was never intimate. Over the course of our relationship he confessed a few times that sex with his 3rd ex wife would sometimes incorporate beating the shit out of her and sometimes sticking surgical needles into her breasts, at her request. He also told me that once he arranged a simulated rape for a friend, where he and a black man brutalized this women so badly that her jaw hurt for over a month. This woman still flirts with him on Facebook, which helped him to justify the act. I must have been in such deep denial to have stayed with a man who enjoys brutalizing and raping women and calls it having sex. That isn’t sex, that’s torture and any woman who would actually desire that abuse has to be broken and suffer from very low self esteem. Likewise, any man who thinks that’s “Hot” sex has to be disordered, but nonetheless I stayed. I believed him when he said I was a prude and that pushing sexual boundaries is exciting and what living fully is all about.
I loved him, but still, there was a fait inner voice that said, “You will hurt him, more than he has hurt you.” We were deeply immersed in each others lives. Not only were we living together, we were also creative partners and we had several projects in various stages of completion. I believe that our closeness and bond had him convinced that I would never leave him. I had too much riding on our relationship and creative partnership. I also think that’s why he felt he could disappear for 24 hours and have what he thought were secret hook-ups and encounters. I believe he got a huge thrill in knowing I was at home agonizing over his whereabouts, while he was doing god knows what with whomever. The danger and the sneaking was an adrenaline ride for him. The day I made the huge discoveries, I knew that it was impossible to continue living in such deep denial. I now had real facts. My suspicions were more than confirmed and I could no longer lie to myself. To stay with this man would be putting my life in mortal danger because he was having sex with strange men. So, I walked away from all of my hard work and the dream of our creations being finalized. I walked away from him. We battled back and fourth for a few weeks via email. He said he never considered the hook-ups and encounters cheating because they meant nothing. He said that the women/men never threatened our relationship. I was unwilling to accept that. Eventually there was nothing more to argue about, he reduced me to being less than a flea and I held fast to calling him a sex addict. I didn’t realize, at the time, that sex addiction is a symptom of narcissism. In the end, I owned my part for staying in a relationship I knew could never make me happy because I was denying what I knew about him. I told him that our ending was the best thing to do, goodbye.
So, why did I stay so long and why do I still hurt? In the past two months I have come to realize that my N was just like my mother, hence the attraction and why I always tried to believe that he would change and be better. Not realizing that I had a narcissistic mother, I always tried to see the best in her. I always held out for her to love me. She never did, not even on her death bed. I was a tool for her. I was used to validate her existence. My success was her success and gave her bragging rights and boosted her ego. Just as with my mother, that was the purpose I served for my N. I legitimized him. I inspired him. I have him wings to fly and my light illuminated his dreary dark world. I was his Muse. Had I been healthier, I would have run when I saw the first red flags, but I stayed because I have been conditioned to see the best in people, believe in their false love. I was trauma bonded to him, just like I was trauma bonded to my mother. Trauma bonds are the hardest to break… and so I cry, I still cry.
There is a silver lining though. I am now involved creatively ( not romantically) with someone who is so brilliant and I am so lucky that he wants to work with me. Had I not broken up with my N, I never would have met this brilliant man, who is far more brilliant than my N could ever be. I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity. The truth is, without me my N will be unable to pull anything off. He never did before me, so why will he after me. He is now living in his dark dreary world alone in constant search for supply. I am confident to know that if he does get supply it won’t be from a woman like me. He’ll get it from a broken, weak, sad woman that will settle for crumbs. – That’s my story.
I was particularly interested in your story of how narcissism has pretty much been in your whole life – as it started with your mother. My mother was the same way; groomed me to be her little show piece so she could brag about all my accomplishments – As parents we always want to be proud of our children but not to the extent of a mother turning on us as my mother did if I didnt follow the life plan she had for me. As a little girl I felt my mother loved me, but as I matured and became an adult the more power and control she lost over me, and the more we grew apart. I understand now why!! So, here we go I grew up always trying to please someone else (my mother for one) and never myself. Are you proud of me mommy? am I behaving as I should? Do my accomplishments feed some type of validation that you yourself are worthy? Well, enough about mommy…..
So this perhaps followed you in your relationships as well….. I know it did for me – that we would tolerate such a disordered individual to share a life with. I wish I would have known this 20 years ago – if I had to have a psychopath enter my life wish it would have been earlier so I could have understood my unhealthy choices. After the psychopath encounter, it took me years to put 2 and 2 together – my abusive background, my narcissistic mother = a “broken, weak and sad woman that will settle for crumbs” BUT, that is what I ONCE was, and after much work the wheels are finally turning in the right direction. I guess it’s better late than never to learn but I think of the years I lived my life so blind.
Very happy you extracted that sick man from your life and the wheels are turning for you in a healthy and whole direction –
I feel like you are talking about me.. Been finding it hard to get the last couple of days. Still wondering how I would know if he was an ANDY…
As hurtful as it was, my ex discarding me is the best thing that could have happened. He broke up with me for another woman (his new narcissistic supply), which isn’t the first time this has happened. My next step now is to ignore him, as he has been texting me sporadically and throwing his new relationship in my face, as if I’d care. Has this happened to any of you, where they keep flaunting their new relationship?
They all do this, because they’re insecure babies who need to hurt others in order to feel important. Block his number, sweetie, which will also block the texts. I promise you with all my Army heart, he will never, ever have anything important or even remotely interesting to say.
:: hugs ::
my N broke up with me a week ago and is going to this huge party festival thing this weekend and it is KILLING me to think what he is going to do with other girls
!!! When I met this guy I was still a virgin.. and he was just so perfect I truly thought he was the ONE since he also kept telling me I was his future wife. When I did sleep with him it was going okay but probably 3 months into the relationship he basically told me I was getting to serious. Never again would he call me his future wife and he was so scared of me giving him this unconditional love. In fact he was always fascinated with TV characters such as HOUSE and the guy from DEXTER because he “liked” the way they thought… He could never go out with me to dinner because it was akward and he never liked talking about emotions. He never slept with me and when we did it he was like on top of me for 2 minutes and got off. Actually told me later I needed to lose weight since I did not look as good as he wanted me to look. He told me I was boring. And never ever wanted to be alone. The only thing which was great in our relationship was when we partied with his friends because he loved taking the spot light and kissing and hugging me and us making jokes.. we looked like the greatest couple. and it was then when he held me close and told me intimate things and how much he loved me. BUT WERE ALL THOSE STATEMENTS FAKE> i asked him when he broke up with me how he could tell me those nice things and not feel anything, and he said “it was only to try and convince myself”. at least he cried when i got out the car .. but now im left in this stupid phase where I just want him to contact me. its been a week. Do they always contact you later? we were doing long distance and he left me 2 days after I told him I was moving to his city. I cant help still being in love and crying to God wishing he would miss me. ouw
Liz, I know exactly how you’re feeling. My N was my first too and he was so not understanding when it came to that. I realize now he only cared about his own needs and not anyone else’s. in his mind, he thinks I rejected him when it is actually the other way around and he discarded me for someone else, and flaunted her in my face. It is so hard. I think about all the good times, or what I thought were good times, and I start to really miss him, but then in the back of my mind, I know I should stay away from him. I hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best of luck!
Liz: This is someone you DONT want to contact you now or ever!! and wow what a kind, considerate lover he was at that – on top of you for two minutes? – I am sorry he was the “first” because nobody deserves that memory. Please work on falling OUT OF LOVE with this guy because you will never find the love you deserve with him. He basically told you that you were heavy and boring – what a swell guy – and yet you are now in a place in where you want him to contact you? He is a loser Liz, emotionally unavailable and a “Toad” . If there is one thing I learned in my three year recovery from a psychopath toad is that I deserve to be happy and I deserve to receive the love back I give, and if I dont receive what I know I deserve then it’s BYE BYE. Removing someone like this from your life is less painful than having someone like this in your life – Your recovery involves finding out why you would want someone that treated you this way – I found my answers and when you do it will change your whole life – you will wonder why you even allowed this person on top of you for “two minutes” and you will look back with a sigh of relief that you will never be attracted to these toads again – hugs
Wow…. I’ve read just about every single thin written on this blog. Amazing. Just amazing how such important life changing information can really set you free. I just ended my 6 month “perfect pretended” relationship. My N was my Prince Charming in the beginning, we met online and spoke threw messages online for about 2 months before actually meeting, before the big meet he would always tell me over the phone how “I’m different” how “he’s ready to settle down and wants me to be his wife forever” I had asked him if he had any children and he had told me about his 2 sons, both with different women and how the women were crazy. He claimed that when he broke up with them they couldn’t take him leaving so they made his life hell, accusing him of false things and making sure they had full custody of their child’s from him. In the beginning when he told me about this (his situation with his kids) over the phone… I would tell him “in order for us to even be together you must built relationships with your sons. The man I’m claiming needs to be involved with the children he makes” , he reassured me that once we were together he would reach out to his sons mothers and make sure he would regain some sorta of relationship. I believed him. The day had come, after 2 months of talking everyday, morning texts sent every morning, goodnight phone calls every night I was smitten I thought he was just amazing and perfect. Lies. The day we were suppose to meet he had invited me to his place to spend the weekend, I agreed (don’t ask). To think of it now I was so desperate for me…. I don’t never had good relationships with anyone in my family as well as I never knew whom my biological father was. When we first met everything was just to perfect, he always put me before his friends, we always got drunk and high together…. He had a bad habit of taking Ecstasy and somehow would manipulate me to taking it. He had thrown me a birthday party at his place and introduced me to all his friends. My personality is extremely social and very extroverted and always have been. All the times I would meet any of his people he would always tell me how much he loved me and how all his friends love me and want me to move him with him. 1 month within dating he asked me to move in, I declined lying to him about my lease. Told him we could discuss is in a few more months, he agreed. Something I found very strange about my N was he loved going to club on Friday…. The saaaaame exact club, the saaaame exact day (Friday), at the saaaaame exact time. It was redundant as well as ridiculous. In the beginning he would invite me and I thought it was sweet, I did the whole clubbing thing for 3 weeks and was over it. I told him (since we spend weekends together due to us both working… Him from Monday-Friday 5:30am-4pm) after work he would pick me up after work. I told “you know, I think it’s only fair that you go clubbing on Fridays and I do my own thing. Chill with my girls or movies than Saturday mornings ill come and spend the rest of the weekend with you” he agreed hesitantly and complained I was cutting our time together to spend with my whore friends.
I was taken back by that big time he always claimed “when your someone’s women you should be waiting for your man at home whenever he leaves the house. If I go clubbing and you choose to be miserable that’s no ones fault but your own and you should be home waiting for your man to come back to you” I told him were in 2013 and I don’t operate like that. After about 6 months of a relationship with my N I started to realize and acknowledge alot of werid knows…. One of which he would always want to have a BBQ and have me invite only all my female friends, everytime I would engage in conversation he would cut me off rudley, ignore me while I talked atimes and just shut down everything I would say. I’m a very outspoken women so I would always snap back saying “YOUR NOT GOD. Do you know how fucking rude it is to interrupt someone? It’s even ruder to ignore a person when their trying to tell you someone” he would always just give me this glare (it was the creepiest thing ever). All his friends loved me, they would bluntly tell him infront of me and everyone how he should marry me and never disrespect me and if he did for me to inform them and they would deal with him. I thought it was so flattering and just sweet that his own friends were so protective over me and how they wanted us to be together…. Forever. Within the 6 months I couldn’t take it, the disrespect was becoming to regular and I was always remind him “keep disrespecting me and you won’t have me” I never had any shame in always letting him know I was the best women he had ever had. One day he was talking to one of his female friends (which is he had plenty of and his excuse for that was “I just have alot of female friends it’s not a problem” (whatever), anywho yes he was on the phone with her with me right beside him an the conversation took a big turn into disrespect, they were reminiscing the times they fucked, how good she was….. How she needs to meet me “his girl” how her and I need to pop E together…. Complete and utter stupidness I was so mortified that I went to his room made a call and came after he was done on the call my whole vibes changed he asked me what my problem was I just replied with “if you really can’t know why I’m angery don’t bother talking to me. Never in my whole life have I ever been disrespected” he told me I was so dramatic and always looking at everything negative. I was soooooo furious I picked my cell phone up from the table and tried to get up, everytime I did he would pull me back down to the couch, he held me down and hugged and kissed me telling me to just stop. Some how some way I listened. Fast ward a couple days ahead I just couldn’t take him anymore, the disrespect was to mug for me to bare I broke Dow infront of him once and once again he told me I was way to dramatic and negative….. Sex always seemed rushed and never passionate. The weekends that I would cherish and love I stopped spending them with him. One night he told me to come over and spend the weekend with him I asked him a billion times if he had plans to go the club he told me NO. Come Saturday the stupid fuck is talking about meeting his friend and going. I was soooo angery I just took my shit argued with him for 10 mins and left his place I told him I was done with him later that night early am times (3am) he called and begged I took a cab to his place and that he needed me and couldn’t live without me…. I took the cab. The next day he explained to be how he works so hard and needs a break and that I should be happy he invites me not many boyfriends invite their girlfriends anywhere as well as next time I leave he’ll have to do what he has to do. That was on Saturday we had that talk the following Wensday he picked me up and we went to his place, it was an ok day, later had sex. While we were in his bed watching tv he received a call, per usual he was sneaky and all paranoid and ignored it. For a second I looked over at his phone in his hand he made a call and when he did their was a picture of a girl, I immiedatly asked him “who the fuck is that?” He looked stupid I took his phone and pointed at it and said “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT” his reaction was so nerve wrecking and just disoriented he grabbed his phone and told me to relaxe and watch tv or go to sleep. I was disgusted by it I told him I couldn’t sleep by him and went to the guest room, he told me I couldn’t sleep in the guest room and go back to his bed, I proceeeed to the couch he came and told me I couldn’t sleep there either and to stop being stupid and go to the couch. I suddenly relized “the fuck I’m I still doing here. I have my own bed in my own home” I went to his room to grab my belongings all while doing so I could hear him yelling “your going to make do what I have to do. It’s your fault were coming to this. You always want to fuck everything
up. Don’t make me react now. Your getting mad mad!!” I ignored him and continued to pack my things as I went to grab my cellphone in the living room he came out of nowhere from the kitchen and grabbed my one wrist and his other arm behind his back, I got so afraid and kept saying “what’s behind your back…. Let go of me. I’m not joking… Show me right now what you have behind your back or ill scream” he told me he had a knife and if I didn’t go back to the room he would have to do what he has to do, I tried to reason with him insuring him “if you show me what you have ill go to the room.” He didn’t believe me. I got loose from his grip and grabbed my things as I went to the door he was blocking me. For 30 mins arguing and him telling me lies about that female on his phone he held my wrists told me “so your really done?? You really want to break up with me? Once you make your descision you’ll regret it but whatever” and every time I would tell him “yes I’m leaving an breaking up with you” he wouldn’t allow it, I went back to get something I forget and he went to the bathroom fast and he went and I ran past the bathroom and ran out his home. Never been back since and this was a week ago. He called threating, begging, harrssing, insulting me. I took on the bullshit for 3 days after I left but than I was done. I later added him friend on facebook because I needed something from him, his friend told me to call him he had something to tell me, man oh man was I not prepared. His friend had told me the whole fucking time I was with that lunatic he was cheating on me, as well as he had another women pregnant the whole time we were together!!!!!!! He explained how my N was NO GOOOOOOD. And that he has no respect for me. I was so shocked at everything but than again I wasn’t to much I’m pretty familiar with soicopaths. His friend has been pretty muh counselling me threw this whole ordeal……. I’m so thankful for that as well the most insane thing about it his friend has alway been so nice to me I always seen a sadness in his eyes whenever he would look at me and my N together it’s like he alway wanted to warn me but didn’t know how. My Na friend is so respectful and just an all around responsible man. I think due to the fact I’m vulnerable right now I feel very comfortable with my Ns friend, he asked me on a date I declined but I’m considering. I know it’s wrong so fast but I’ve realized I was involved with someone who pretended to care for me why be sad about it why I can move on as quick as I started. I find it would be better for me to move on quickly than drown in sorrow. Now my QUESTION is how would my ex N react to me and his friend pursuing something?? I would assume due to his ego being crushed he’d discard myself and his friend completely and talk bad about us for years but other than that…. What can be done by him? It’s been 6 complete days I’ve been done with my ex N, it’s only been 1 whole day (starting yesterday) of NC.
As long as I can get the green light….. I’m moving the fuck on!!!
P.S……. Sorry for the novel at hand ^.
“Now my QUESTION is how would my ex N react to me and his friend pursuing something??”
Who cares?
At the same time, it’s my guess that you’re pretty vulnerable right now. Most people who have been peed on by a toad are pretty tender and sore in the feelings areas. Some time off from dating to heal might not be a bad idea.
Mocalady and all – WOW – what a mess and to answer your question; “WHO THE HELL CARES!!! These sick individuals create such trauma and destruction in peoples lives that at some point we have to say to hell with it and we have to let it A L L G O – trust me I know how difficult that is to do because we want so many answers – and by the way my toad LITERALLY peed on me lol but we wont get into his perversions it serves no purpose now. I have never really told my story because I have been out now two years – I found for a long time I needed to tell my story over and over and over but as you reach full recovery you come to realize it doesnt really matter all that matters is to get out and far away from these walking dead individuals. The x pathological toad that entered my life didnt come in the form of a toad but a prince as they all do, until the mask came off and he wanted to watch me get screwed by others as he watched – man, woman, goat, made no difference he transformed into the most twisted creature I ever encountered – oh yes, and he also had a “girlfriend” (in which he claimed things werent going very well) guess they must have gone to girlfriend and boyfriend counseling because they are still living together ha ha – but again WHO THE HELL CARES – these toads always have some woman tucked away at home and others in every port.
If I may offer some great advise that will greatly enhance and speed up your recovery and this goes for everybody – LET IT ALL GO!! Stop trying to find the answers, stop wondering what the other women are like, stop wondering if you were thought of an “inkling” or maybe a “tad” better than the rest, because you werent!!! Because they are with someone else does not mean he cares about her anymore than he did you – it means NOTHING!! Aunt Alex has made this pretty clear that toads can not love – at best, you may be selected for the constant supply or usefulness you provide them- if you want to be loved like a toaster oven than have at it.
how would my ex N react to me and his friend pursuing something?? quite frankly he wouldnt give a shit – if he is a psychopath like mine was he would probably want to watch (if you know what I mean) – they have no emotional connection to anybody. and are you really even contemplating another relationship at this time? Dont play games with this toad – you cant hurt him like he hurt you – dont even try and done even bother – he is too busy planting his reptilian eggs in someone else and getting them pregnant – let the drama go, let the loser go and move on with your life. I have been pain free for close to two years now and after all the work I did to understand why this happened to me I still ask myself at times – why in the hell did I suffer over someone like that? I know that answer today which only further confirms the work I really needed to do on myself, but I still ask the question once and awhile and say WOW I am a totally different person today and much happier and better because of it. I no longer even want what I thought the x path could give me – when ever we sit back and believe someone else can give us what we are missing we are headed for trouble – If I am whole and content in myself, there are no gaps that someone else needs to fill – I learned that lesson the hard way.
Thank you Aunty Alex as well as thank you alot recovered. Since I’ve posted another one of his friends told me about his secret life he’d been living while we were together. I’m just sicken by him, nothing I can tell him to change him. I haven’t had any contact since last time I said (two days ago). Today an unfamiliar number called me and I answered very cheerfully “helllllloooooooo” to my surprize the monstrous was his. He said “hi” I went silently for literally 3 seconds than asked him harshly “why are you calling me?” He said “what do you mean? Anyways you have my movies give me back my 3 movies” I replied “no I don’t” he said “yes you do” I said “what movies” the dum shit actually says “I don’t know. You just have 3 movies of mine” all I said was “trust me. I don’t” he actually said “ask Jenny than” (mind you Jenny is my roommate whom he hated). After he said that I just hung up immediately. No bye no nothing. I know I should of hung up when I first heard his voice on the line but I had to ask….,
As well as he got one of his friends to call me yesterday and see “what’s up” cause I’ve been ignoring him.
My next question is, why is making his friend contact me, don’t they always try and save face. They never want to look bad infront of anyone right? Him telling his friend to contact me only makes me tell the truth and it would put him in a negative light. Wouldn’t he not want that.
His friend than again didn’t even know I broke up with him.
My exN was cheating on me, the other women he was with how come he can’t just easily replace me with them? I find that also confusing, to replace me should be the easiest thing ever. Why can’t he just get it over with???
Mocalady – many of them like to tuck with you for awhile (I say tuck vs Fuck) like a cat playing with the half dead mouse type of concept – ANYTHING you give him, any response will give him some type of fix – they like to see you hurt and miserable and confused – and many of them have other enablers that help them and do some of their dirty work – very very common. Save Face? oh my dear they dont care about saving their face or should I say mask – he ripped his mask off a long time ago with you and once that mask is off then the devaluing and discarding begins and that can take a year or even more – mine lasted about two years – they are all different – once the act is over it turns into a living hell. He wants his “movies” back? hey maybe you want your LIFE back how about that thought? They will think of anything to hoover!! Cut him lose Mocalady write him off as dead – picture him in a coffin buried DEAD – that may sound really harsh but considering what he is he is basically dead anyway. RUN and never look back he is sick and disordered and only you can save yourself. Those of us who are recovered had to do it, nobody could do it for us GOD how I wanted someone to do it for me but nobody volunteered, lol This was my responsibility and I owed it to myself to remove myself from being his victim – I am going to make a promise to you and UNLIKE the toad’s promises mine will come true – when you recover from this you will be a much happier person than even before he entered your life –
I have just come out of a two year relationship with a Narcissistic A hole who nearly ruined my life. I first met him at work and I had been single for few years. I took a liking to him and ended up adding him on Facebook. He absolutely swept me off my feet. He was THE perfect man and I thought I had met the man of my dreams. He proposed to me within a month and put pressure on me to let him move in with me and my child. Warning bells did go off… But I thought… What the hell? I love this guy. I was smothered by him and it was hard to deal with. Until after about six months the cracks started to show. He moved out, we were no longer engaged. I was heartbroken. For the next year and a half or so I tried to win his love back, but I never got it back again. He became very difficult to deal with. He would often break up with me time and time again but I would beg for him back and we would end up together again. He made it so difficult and EVERYTHING was my fault. Because I had told him I struggle with mental illness he used this against me, put me down. I was too fat, didn’t have big enough boobs, I was a head case… Everything was me. He even told me no one would ever put up with me. I finally broke up with him five weeks ago, but two weeks later found out I was pregnant. This was the last straw. He slept with me for a couple of weeks and then cane to my house to tell me he didn’t love me any more. I was devastated and had a panic attack. He must’ve loved that. He said that if I had told him a month ago he would’ve had the baby with me, because apparently he still loved me then, but now he had no feelings for me. Things got pretty nasty as he told me I had to allow him to come with me to the termination or he would take me to court. I am shocked by all of it. I don’t know how he could suddenly fall out of love with me. I’m so confused. This is the same man who told me he’d never loved anyone like he’d loved me before.
Recovered is 100% right on! Narc’s can’t love and they have no ability to feel the pain that they inflict on others! That’s why they behave the way they do. If they could behave differently then they would, right? They self-loath so deeply that they have only one drive: to seek and destroy. They derive pleasure from it and to accomplish this goal they have devised a full-proof strategy. They know exactly how to hook a victim. They have rehearsed the lines and honed how to fake emotion for years!!!! This man was a pretend man. He was a mirage. In time and with distance you will soon get a very clear picture of what you are dealing with! Please read all that you can on narcissists and psychopaths. When ever you feel pangs of sadness read more. I am almost 4 months out of my relationship with my N. When he comes around, I do not show him sadness or anger. Instead, I am charming and enchanting, living my life! This drives him crazy to see me happy and not having access to my happiness and light. He hates that he has no control over me. He hates that his being has no effect on me. All of my research helps me to see him clearly. I have become very adept at translating his narcissistic mumbo jumbo. This has helped me to see him for what he really is: a manipulative misogynist with a ceaseless drive to exploit and use woman. His mission is to hook, then demean, devalue and destroy! So happy that I got away! One thing I realized is that in the three years that I was with my N, I never remembered my dreams at night. After I left him (after discovering that he was cheating with men and women!) I started remembering my dreams! This tells me that I was so shut down, living in denial that my subconscious mind was even shut down so that I would accept the abuse! Once you leave your N, your life will open up and miracles will happen. So long as you are with your N, you will only attract things of that vibrational frequency. We don’t attract what we want, we attract what we are! Be more than his narcissistic supply. Find your value and shine!
Nansee: I love it when I can read what a recovered victim has learned and reaches the other side – HIGH FIVE my friend and a big hug – of course I want to hug those still in the early stages of this also – it’s a very painful painful experience but like Nansee expressed once you get out great things do happen. I am struggling a bit financially – I lost a great job because of the ptsd – literally had a break down – but two years later, I am slowly making progress – I survived, I may not be prospering as I would like now but I did survive!! The most important thing that all the wealth in the world couldnt have given me, is that I learned to value and care about myself and nobody will ever be allowed to ever treat me like that again – I wont tolerate it for one split second – the more we value and respect ourselves the easier these predators are to spot – but let me tell you it entailed some damn hard work to look at myself as a person of value and worth – so much past abuse as a child.
Boy isnt that the truth – “we dont attract what we want, we always attract what we are” – you gotta change yourself to recover and you must absolutely MUST get to the bottom of why you tolerated such treatment. Their treatment of us was literally non human. Change it and fix it and you will be on your way to a happier and more rewarding life.
Pretty Broken -” I don’t know how he could suddenly fall out of love with me. I’m so confused.” Let me help clear up that confusion, because he was never in love with you in the first place – NEVER! But it seemed so real – ah yes I know how very real it seemed; as you were overdosing on his flattery, attention, heightened sexual hormonal releases, his empty promises – he meant nothing of what he did and said. You were nothing but a new release of energy for him he fed from- that is their drug and they will say and do anything to obtain it. They destroy people to get it!! Ya, I bet he never loved anyone like he loved you, boy is that the truth, because he never DID love anyone else before you – you included! There was some truth from the little lying, acting toad in that statement. We are hungry to hear such lines, we suck it up and live to hear it. I dont fault anyone or myself for wanting to hear that from someone we thought loved us, dont ever blame yourself because you believed him and fell for his act. Behind that mask is a disturbed, disordered being that is so damn empty and dead inside that he must con and emotionally rape others to make him feel alive. They hop from lilly pad to lilly pad and suck the living life from beautiful, caring, feeling human beings. If you had a psychopathic toad he will delight in this accomplishment and actually will be proud of this achievement. Always remember that in the end, they are the real victims of their sick disorder; despite how happy they may appear as they hop on – it’s a false happiness because without empathy for others you have nothing inside, without empathy, it’s impossible to love. They dont move on because they stopped loving you, because they never loved you to begin with- If your going to be confused about anything it should be more along the lines of “at what stage did I stop feeding your empty dead soul”?
Give everything you gave him to yourself, because you wasted all the beautiful things that you are on a dead ugly toad!! Learn the disorder, study it because your recovery will depend on it – understand why they do what they do (as best you can) when you understand that, you will start to focus on yourself; and here comes the greatest shock of all, even more shocking than him – you will discover how wonderful you are in ways you never saw before. Hope I gave someone hope today – it’s work but worth every single pain you encountered to get there –
Thank u so much for your response. It helped me heal and move on. God bless u for sharing.
Wow. I feel so broken and defeated. My ex N texted me the other day cause he has something of mine, he asked me to come get it on Sunday (which weekends used to be for us no arguments/no complaints) but due to me knowing he’s a full blown N I don’t bother with him, I replied in the text I wouldn’t be coming over at all anymore and that he needs to respect were no longer together and I’m not his property…….. Yaaaa I thought I was prepared for his response (clearly not), he had the audicty to text back just horrible things, thee worst of the worst things…… Calling me a dirty whore, no good bitch, now that “I’m fucking someone else” I’m filthy. The part I laughed at loud was “now that your fucking someone else you think you can be rude to me. I don’t think so dirty girl”. The last thing he said was he was throwing out my shit….. Never heard back from him. And this was Thursday (Were Monday morning now). I ended up calling me phone provider and asking them to block his number from contacting me, of course they can’t…… I started to google ways of blocking his number the closest thing I came to was “YouMail”, this is where I list his number as to where when he calls it rings out but as soon as hits my voicemail I put a voicemail where it says “the number you have called is out of service. Please try your call again” If ever that demon calls again ill catch it press ignore and he’ll be stupid enough to believe my phones really been cut. I don’t want him ever contacting me, but there’s apart of me that’s so lost and damaged. With him there’s some sorta sick completion…… Without him I’m so alone. I already don’t have any friends, I’ve just been crying uncontrolbly as of recent. I’m guessing its the grieving phase. I still get attention from me, but I don’t react the same anymore. I just feel such a void in me. Just on Saturday night I went out on a date there came a point where my date asked when was the last time id be in a relationship..? I told him the truth and told him about that devil (ex n). My date to my surprize was understanding and showed alot of compassion….. But in his eyes I can see he sees “train wreck” he knows my soul is taunted. We ended going back to his place to watch some tv, he didn’t try to hard for anything, he was very respectful and patient. Goes to show not all men are fucked, I’m just honestly trying to stop the pain, the hurt, the damage that’s been done. When I first broke up with my N I didn’t let it get to me at all….. But now it’s to much. I can’t bare it.
Mocalady: Some sound advise; you should not be dating. So many women do this and it will not serve you well in the long run as you are healing from a toxic damaging relationship. You need this time for yourself – I know you feel lonely but the only way to a total recovery is to examine yourself and your heart to understand why you became involved with someone like this – if you dont take the time to do that you will be destined to repeat this same pattern again with another asshole that comes knocking at your door in your state of lonliness and confusion. You can not properly grieve ANY failed relationship (narc or not) and go on dates;. any professional therapist will tell you that. You sound much younger than myself, oh how I wish in my younger days I had known what I know today about myself; it would have prevented much heart ache and pain in my choices of men. Here is some advise that is worth a million bucks, and if you dont understand it now someday you will. I dont want you to learn this the hard way like I did. NEVER, NEVER, EVER turn to someone else to make you feel good about yourself you will never find it there; you wont find it in the arms of another man, it has to come from yourself – When you find it you will never (I say never alot dont I? ) when you find it you wont question or wonder why someone isnt treating you right – you will KNOW without a doubt when it’s time to exit. You will cut this person from your life like a plague. More importantly, you will never attract these disordered types ever again.
The only time you were tainted is when you were involved with this abuser!! He tainted your mind, body and soul!!! My friend has been out of a 15 year relationshit with a narc and he called her a “diseased whore that he would be afraid to be near in fear he would get something” This is interesting indeed as my friend has not had sex with anybody since him going on 18 years now and two years into her recovery as well – This is the classic smear campaign to project lies and to make their victims take the blame for something that was NEVER their fault to begin with and they LOVE to shame us morally – after all we “fucked” them and the second you do that you will become a whore in their eyes. (they are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO messed up sexually) . Now you are the cheater, liar and whore that HE has always been and if anyone is “dirty” ITS HIM!!!!
As long as you broke the golden rule of NC (that is a big no no by the way) you should have thanked him for disposing of your “shit” as it saved you alot of trouble collecting it and told him to throw himself on the pile of shit for the garbage collectors. He thinks he has something YOU want mixed in with a little human degrading, he did his hoover well. Mission accomplished because now you are on here claiming you feel “so alone” without him and crying “uncontrollably” …… over what? a piece of “shit” Your not feeling lonely because of him Mocalady, you are feeling alone because of YOU, it has nothing to do with him and here is where the misconception of it all falls. Yes, there IS a void within you – a void of losing yourself to someone so abusive – he wont fill that void and either will your hopes of finding a “decent guy” that is not the answer. Fill the void first within yourself THEN you can enhance your life in a healthy relationship someday.
Your absloutly right Recovered. Lol, so many things your spot on and I’m intelligent enough to know it. It’s like I’m not trying hard enough, to be honest it’s when I’m home alone I feel fucked up. When I’m out and about I don’t think about it to much. It’s the second my mind settles to that disgrace of a human. I now officially refer to him as Deablo it makes my mind not reconnect with the good times as much)……. I just wanted you to know your right about me being younger lol, as if you can tell (embarrassing lol).
There’s abit more complication to my story as well, Deablo has his best friend who was and is still involved with my room mate, so the best friend comes over every so often (at night only) and leaves on the morning. I make sure not to be around period, but his friend is drama. He’s forever asking my roommate what I’m doing and how I’m doing, knowing daaan well I don’t like the guy. On top of that his OTHER best friend (remember the one who told me his Deablo’s secert life… & I asked if I should pursue something with him) well I didn’t end up ever seeing him but he calls me once In awhile and texts me all the time, he’s a cool dude but I just can’t get invoked with anyone that knows Deablo. That same friend though he’s forever STILL talking about how Deablo is sooo horrible and he really FuckedUpSinnerIIs up with him and how the guy (Deablo) is sick. Like his best friend knows him very well and knows he’s not normal. It’s nice to have his support but at the same time it’s dangerous all so. I need to really make time for my own self, I guess it’s good to cry… Let it all out. That’s my problem, I hate doing it. I feel so weak of a human, but it’s normal. Just at the hands of someone else I don’t feel it is normal. Something you said stuck and I never was able to put it in words….. But your 1000000% right, he’s not the void I miss, it’s the abuse I was so accustomed too. Without is just so lonesome. But it’s also the normal/right way to live life…. With any sorta abuse or mistreating. I love your blog as well as I Love you. Your like an Angel sent from God.
I am 50 ISH lol Perhaps this abuse is a “familiar” place for you – not comfortable but familiar? – as Alex stated, “we dont go looking to be abused” but I feel when we land in these types of relationships and find ourselves being severely abused it’s more difficult for us to remove ourselves because of certain past abuse or issues – we are all different – When the path entered my life he didnt enter it saying; hey I am a mean heartless cold predator and I am only pretending to love you so you will fall in love with me and later down the road I can try and destroy you. They enter our lives appealing to what they believe we want and desire – I was never seeking to be abused and used….. BUT and this is very important I was an excellent source/target for the manipulations of a skilled sociopath – I was a a giver, empathic to others on a unhealthy level, as Sandra Brown states it “Extremely high in relationship investment” I would sacrifice my own self to give to another regardless if it was wrong. These are the type of women they seek.
You will be relieved to know that I also in the beginning found myself missing his abuse and control over me – (as unhealthy as that sounds) I felt totally lost – hey sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me – ha ha ya right – as he called me gutter slut, cunt, unstable, multiple personality, – I wasnt just a slut – i was a slut that came from the gutter ha ha ha ha I still laugh about that one today – I havent had sex for nearly three years now and yet I am some type of slut – not that having sex makes you a slut (want to clarify that – ) so then I have to ask just what the hell constitutes a slut anyway – the way a person dresses ? or acts? but again we have to remember the type of person we are dealing with here – we are all whores and sluts according to their perceptions.
My advise in some respects may be years down the road for you, as you are probably I would guess in your mid 20’s? I wish that I could have had the psychopath experience when i was younger – take this experience to make your life better – if you learn and recover from this the RIGHT WAY you will be spared many wrong choices in your future, so you are clearly at an advantage in this respect. You will never let another “Deablo” type again in your life – He is a young sociopath, they get better and more skilled at what they do the older they get, learning by trial and error in how to manipulate and destroy their victims. Here is some information that you should always remember – I knew mine when I was 24 years old!!! oh yes my dear, he came back in my life at 47 and entered my life knowing I was in an unhappy marriage – of course I had no idea when I was 24 he was a sexual predator sociopath- – how is that one for recycling their past victims!! I was in a unhappy marriage because I chose WRONG men – I never took the time to fix why I did this and I dont want that to happen to you. So I am giving you a lifetime of valuable learning experiences from my life. If I am an angel that God sends to others so they may learn, than that is all well and great. To know what happened to me was for a reason, even though I now question my faith or religious beliefs I once had, but that is another whole different topic.
Dont associate with anyone that is an enabler of D, or promotes in any way or form his friendship and/or bad behavior – disconnect and disassociate yourself from anyone in his circle – these people dont have any real or true friends anyway, they use family members and so called friends just as they use their romantic partners and they will do this at any length or cost to get them the bi products of what they are after. Their behaviors are criminal.
Meant to say “WITHOUT ANY ABUSE OT MISTREATING!!!!!”
I know what you meant – none of us want to be abused or mistreated – I stayed 4 years and let this monster abuse me – bottom line – I STAYED knowing full well he treated me as if I wasnt human – i was an object with a hole that is all I ever was to him – I had so much damn work I had to do on myself I didnt think I could do it I didnt even know where to start – To this day I cant believe I let someone treat me that way, I hated myself for a very long time
“We ended going back to his place to watch some tv, he didn’t try to hard for anything, he was very respectful and patient. Goes to show not all men are fucked, “…….
Of course not all men are fucked up – but STOP focusing on men, half the people in relationships/ married are lonely and miserable – embrace your loneliness and learn from it – I spent a good year in isolation recovering from a psychopath, I was left so lonely I thought I would die from it – a shift occurs in where we realize how wrong we were in relying in someone else to make us feel not alone – I once wished that I would meet the right person that would come into my life and represent everything I had always wanted in a partner – that I could be so lucky in this lifetime to find that right person for me; be careful what you wish for because it came to me in the form of a socialized sociopath! Yes, he was disordered, YES he was a very dangerous predator , but more importantly it forced me to examine why I fell so easily for someone that promised me my hearts desires, when in reality I was so broken and damaged from past abuse I really had nothing to offer him – psycho or not we must not enter relationships hinging on what another person can give us – I thought I hit the jackpot – handsome, smart, rich, fun, we clicked (because of that damn mirror) we even finished each other’s sentences – I cant blame him for laughing at me for how easily I fell for “the man that would rescue me” because today I laugh at myself in the absolute fairy tale of what I thought was love. It didnt take much; some attention, compliments, flattery, a few great sexual performances and I was hooked WHAMO I found him. It was THAT easy and it happened much much too fast – probably within 6 weeks. Psychopaths always work fast to hook their victims. Today, two years later the entire experience sometimes plays in my head like watching an old movie about myself, of course he was the leading actor – I see the issues I should have fixed within myself play out with this psychopath that exploited my weaknesses and injuries in every way possible. His mission was to instill self doubt in me on such a catastrophic level, that it lead to my own self destruction. Still there is light that shines behind those dark clouds – we just dont see it when we are with them. What normal or healthy person worships the ground you walk on one month then calls you the C word the next? or in your case “dirty” – Without my strong sense of self I would have never had the strength to know that this man was very disturbed and I was never lacking anything that made him treat me the way he did – the only thing I was missing was myself that I should have found years and years ago. When we dont have that, these disordered individuals have a field day with us.
I’m so sorry to hear your story. That’s so devastating, your my hero and inspiration. For someone who was once so weak, lonely, low self esteem, self destructive… You have COME A VERY LONG WAY. Just from how you talk it’s so clear to see you took time for yourself just as you should of. You’ve recognized your strengths and weakness. This is something I need time to reflect on. There’s so much I need to work on myself with….. It’s just sad. Atimes I feel I have no purpose in life. I need some seroious healing…. I know now it’ll be a very lonely, LONG recovery process. I need to thank God I’m still somewhat normal and sane still. I as well need to thank you, your incredible. Your the only person whom truly really gets it. Not pretending to understand, or just nodding along….. You’ve actually lived it and a billion times worse than myself. Your a living testament.
Your amazing.
I had to add something else…. I am indeed 24 now (talk about coensdence) he’s actually 41. I’m assuming this is the last of Deablo. He’s found a supply replacement from what I’ve been told. He’s pretending to be happy with her and she’s loving every moment. Poor girl man, but within I’m glad I’m done with that.
Nothing he can offer or tell me is real. It’s all pretend.
If you always remember that “Nothing he can offer or tell me is real. It’s all pretend.” no matter how real it may seem or appear to be on the surface you will stay in the truth about them and live your life with your true self. You will find that living your life in all truth and honesty is lonely as hell at first – it’s an upward battle against the stream because we are going against the flow and patterns that are unfamiliar to us – in a way we are going against the current not with it as we once did. You will begin to recognize with time and distance people and forces that are destructive to your life; rather than dismissing them and relying on some illusion to temporarily alleviate your loneliness you will want something more for yourself, something more meaningful and rewarding than a phony, superficial con artist love thug and emotional rapists like D and my x. These types will become repulsive to you and they will represent everything you never want to associate with.
You have a good sense of this awareness and that is all it takes; you are too good for this loser but only YOU can take the journey to actually know and believe that – I simply cant tell you tha,t you must discover that for yourself. You will not FEEL like a “hero” after your life has been gutted and your soul has been destroyed, but I can promise you once you save yourself you will realize the courage and heroism it took to do it. It’s not all fun and roses on the other side – but it’s real and it’s peaceful and I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. Remember, it is only YOU that has to live with YOU nobody else does. Hugs
Recover, I just had to inform you. It’s been one full week without contact from Deablo. No texts, no calls. I think it’s safe to say I’ve seriously&literally been replaced. I’m thankful and reliefed. I just had to share that wonderful news with you.
Till next time, Peace&Love.
It’s not that you have been “replaced” its that you have moved way down the usefulness scale to him; so no you are not safe in assuming he is done with you. However, take this time which could be weeks, months or even a year to focus on yourself – consider his silence towards you a gift and a dose of reality no matter how much it may hurt – take the time in your moments of longing for him to ask yourself why you would want someone like that, he will never give you those answers – only you can. Always remember he is doing the same thing to someone else that he did to you in some form or another, he wasnt just a narc for you – sorry you dont get to be that privileged ha ha none of us did!! He has a disorder that just doesnt shut off -it will always be who he is – he can fake it all he wants but it is a scientific fact he will always be this way.
YAHOO, he discarded you – this is something you should celebrate even though it feels very confusing and painful, you may not feel like celebrating just yet, but someday you will, I promise you that. Adios Deablo, and dont let the door hit you in the ass on the way out – get rid of everything that reminds you of him or at least put it out of sight, this will give your mind a chance to clear without at least having to look at the piece of shit. Stay NC; cry, crawl, punch a wall, or go scream in your car do anything but contact him – personally I would rather die first than ever contact mine it was that bad. hugs
Thanks!!!
It’s crazy though he texted the other day “gd morning how are you doing”, of course I never replied but I did text his friend and say “your friend there is a loser. He just texted me” and his friend texted me back saying “text him and ask him why he’s texting you when he has a girl coming over to see him tonight” I told his friend “id prefer not to communicate with te devil.”. The next day his friend called me inviting me to Deablo’s buildings BBQ. I was like “are you fucked in your head. You know the situation and you know id never ever cross paths with him intentionally” his friend key insisting “it doesn’t even matter why allow this man to dectiate your life. You not allowing yourself to do things just shows he still has control of you” he made a good point he also added “it’s not like your coming to see him, everyone else respects you and enjoys your company. I personally invited you so your my guest” I still refused but my explainatation was “it not about him still having control nor ruling my life. It’s bout removing and keeping away negative situations. Nothing good can come out of being around him or even attending the same event. It makes me scene….. It’s his place of home and I’m just going to be there. It’s stupid to do and it’s stupid of me. I’d rather keep in positive spirits and not be anywhere around him period!.” His friend finally understandstood where I was coming from and agreed its better offf I don’t show up.
Crazyness. As for D, I haven’t replied back to his text nor have I cried over his control in days. I think I’m doing veeery good. Thank you recover, you played a huge role in that.
Moca – I told you he would contact you – all they care about is tucking,using and manipulating women to feed them – they are so empty and dead inside it’s the only thing that makes them feel like they exist – it’s a huge power trip for them – call one woman while another is on the way over to tuck – they get some sick thrill from it, telling each of them how much he loves them – DONT inquire about him or ask about him, or be around him – dump the people that associate with him because down the road you will find out they were never your friends anyway. They are a total waste of your time, pain and/or tears – they are ultimately dangerous losers no matter what appearances my seem like in their life. He doesnt care or love the other women either or he wouldnt be calling or texting you – I always reminded myself when I had cog dis thoughts of him wanting someone else more than me that what he did with me behind her back is the truth and proof of the so called love he had for her – a good man that genuinely loves his wife or gf does NOT do that – I am nobody’s sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths or fifths I am exclusive – I want back what I give in a relationship; my devotion, commitment, honesty, respect, love – I would rather be alone as apposed to some lying asshole violating who I am. There are far worse things that being alone when involved with personality disordered men – I may be alone, but I at least will respect myself in the morning. Coming out of a relationship with a sociopath is like being released from a torture chamber – they pull you from all directions; they damage you psychologically and that damage took me almost three years to recover from – and all for what? a grand sexual performance, a little flattery and attention? Then they are off doing the same lie and facade to someone else – NO THANKS I would rather bird watch lol
Stay on your path far far away from him – pretty soon he will remind you of a pimp or a sleezy used car salesmen that comes to mind also – you will never buy what they are trying to sell ever ever again. hugs
Thank you so much to everyone for sharing their stories. It’s help me find a little bit of peace. My N started out as Prince charming as well. I had three months of pure bliss before things got crazy. All the plans we made suddenly got changed and he went from being inlove with me to having no feelings for me whatsoever. There was a lot of red flags. He never talked about his family or his history and he only has one group of good friends that he met when he moved to the area (Probably messed over everybody else in his past).
He Called me materialistic for pursuing a higher education. He would make me feel so crazy and gaslight me. I was heartbroken for three consecutive months and ruined my summer chasing this man. He came back each and every time after I begged him only for it to get worse. The last straw was when he left out of town for a week and I kept his car. He ignored me the whole time and when he got back acted as if nothing happened. He kept Stringing me along telling me that he wanted that relationship but so many things were in the way…. He even told me he was unique and irreplaceable. He said I’d see that in time and stopped responding to my calls, texts, or emails.
When the sex stopped and the communication I knew something was up. I saw on fb he was interested in someone else. That was a relief. He made me feel like something was wrong with me and I even asked if he was seeing someone else and he’d say no. That counted and helped repair a little of my ego. I did send him a nasty Facebook message stating I knew everything. He never responded.
The next day I found my car had been tampered with. He broken into my car and messed with my inspection sticker and my gas door. I’d given him a key awhile back and he’d returned it (so I thought). I confronted him and he hung up right away. I asked him to call (which I had to text through a friend because my number had been blocked). I told him to stay away and I’d no longer be a problem. He then hung up.
I haven’t heard anything since. It’s been three days and I’ve had to have the locks changed at my home. I don’t know why he did that to my car considering he made me feel like I never mattered. You’d think I was one problem down. He always said he chased all his other exes, but he’s never come back for me. Not once. It’s always been me hurting and swallowing my pride and begging him. He was so manipulative.
The sad part is I knew that something was up the first time everything fell apart but he came back and convinced me otherwise. He sounded so rational and I even called him a narc back then.
I think I’ll be okay with time. He hasn’t contacted and he made such a big thing about blocking me (even sending me the picture of him doing it). I blocked him on fb.
I can only get stronger from here. Keep posting your stories. The next person needs our strength.
Crystal – These diseased people are all the same – they are nothing but criminals if you ask me – in fact they are worse than some of the criminals that are locked up!!!!! They all have a string of victims they do this to – when they find something else that catches their eye they leave you gutted and left to die- they will never have the capacity to feel or understand what their disease does to others – they dont care because they are empty and dead inside. Remember his sex stopped with you but he is off giving someone else the grand sexual performance he once gave you – and it will stop with the next one also – what he did to you is in store for the next.
You should send a pic of yourself happy and smiling and say – “this is me after seeing you block me” and pleeeeeeze I am begging you to stay the tuck away from me for all eternity – seriously, dont do that but you know the saying “dont let the door hit your ass on the way out” good riddance piece of lying diseased freak- Dont ever ask them questions all you will get is another lie – mine even lied in what he ate for dinner lol they are walking lying machines – and that makes sense since everything about them is not real how can anything they SAY be the truth – they lie to hide who they really are and since they are someone different to everyone they interact with thats a hell of alot of lies!!! After awhile you want to say, dont even bother lying I know what you are – and ya… you fooled me for awhile until I got wise and saw you for what you really were – an absolute NOTHING –
Crystal it’s always pure bliss in the beginning – you see they only like the beginning of things they can never finish anything because that would require REAL love and real commitment – those things are foreign to them they cant love and they are not committed to anyone but they will pretend to be, for awhile at least – they can even pretend to love you long term and use you as a cover as they live a secret hidden life. Yes, you will be alright , if you stay with him you will NOT be alright I guarantee that. Kiss the stars above he moved on – the loser did you a favor.
Something you said really stood out – “he went from being in love with me to having no feelings for me at all” What was difficult for me to wrap my head around was the fact he never really had any feelings for me to begin with – I kept saying, but he once did this and he once said that, and he once cared, and he once …………. all those things I thought he “once did” was never for one second based on anything that was related to love. The intensity, lies about a future, attention and sex on his part was simply a new victim and new supply and nothing else; and yes it was exciting and intriguing for him for as long as he was able to fool me. They harvest an incredible amount of energy when their victims believe it is all real – this is a tremendous power and rush to them, to have us fall so deeply in love with the persona they create; to beg them to not leave us, to compromise what we are to keep them no matter how abusive they become – that is pure power and control over another for them – and that is the core of their entire existence – the only way they feel alive is to manipulate and control others. This is what we fed them, along with loving a mirage.
I am two years out, so I no longer have cog dis and dichotomies – The Dichotomies are what Sandra Brown refers to as the Jekyll/Hyde personality of the psychopath. It represents the inconsistent and totally contradictory statements, behaviors and beliefs that make women feel they are going crazy in the relationship. It’s a deep psychological mind tuck that leaves you psychologically damaged, but the good news is you can undo the damage, but it takes time and you have to be very patient with yourself, it’s a painful process. I cant even being to describe how liberating it feels to break those bonding and abandonment dichotomies.
Psychopathy, in my opinion, is a very complex disorder, understanding it is not easy, and unloving an illusion that seemed so real is ever harder. They mirrored back to us the best parts of ourselves, then basically tried to assassinate our character and who we were to begin with. Their sick sick little games are so easy to understand, but only when we fully understand what they are and why they do it.
OMG recovered, you have this type of guy down to a T! Where were you when I was losing my mind!!? LOL. You have so helped him stop from seeming like someone normal I just couldn’t understand to the socipath predator I SHOULDN’T understand because he’s not right in the head! The how could he love me and then leave me when he “used to *insert nice thing*” is thinking I’m all too familiar with. UGH! “the once dids” have kept me up NIGHTS, but you’re right, it helps to realize this was all part of an act and I shouldn’t see any of this “nice behavior” as proof he liked me, rather it was just him trying to gain my affections.
I still don’t get why he pursued me a second time around after I dropped him the first time (oh wait, I do, it was a challenge to get me back and it made him feel good to think I’d take him back after such a screw-up, but he always knew I had to go after that, hence him INVITING OTHER WOMEN ON OUR SUMMER VACATION!!)
Oh Recovered, I could kiss you right now, thank you!!!!!!
Glad I helped – oh my goodness, they are FAR from normal and always remember that – they are really really good at hiding their disorder and I mean REALLY GOOD – some not so good but some are so damn covert – Mine used charm even when he abused me – some sweet charm mixed in with horrible horrible abuse – I remember on one occasion he told me to stop acting like a C–t and after I hung up the phone I had to say wait a minute he just called me a C–t how did this happen? and I tolerated it – that is just an example of how good they are at conditioning us to take their abuse and degrading – of course he called me that because I was questioning him and we cant have that – you think too much, now shut up and go make my dinner lol The only answer I can give you in why he pursued you a second time is this; it was not because he loved you so nothing else matters and that is all you need to stay focused on. The majority of the time its either for control, power and just to use your body and nothing more – there is no love in the picture, there never was. I learned so much from the experience I had an extremely covert psychopath and he was an expert at being a sexual predator – he was real good at his game; but I got away and that is my one calling card I hold today that will probably always eat at him. You can recover, but its work but worth every pain to get there — hugs
Ladies ,I tell you what worked for me.Every time I thought about my exN,I repeated my mantra(prayer): “I never loved him ,I was in love with an illusion, an imaginary boyfriend.I’m too old to play with imaginary friends.I never loved him.” Worked for me! I’m free!Best wishes to all.
Anna – what works for me is along that same concept; however, I imagine him dead – the man that created the illusion for me is the psychopath – who killed my dreams, promises, hope, love, the psychopath took all that away from me by killing off the persona he played for me – and what is left of that illusion? nothing is left but the psychopath who created it – I loved the illusion but I hated and feared the psychopath once he was unmasked – in reality I could have never genuinely loved something so dark and evil –
OMG I felt like you were writing about my ex. We were friends, he chased me for a while, made all these promises about our future, hinted at marriage, etc. When I finally became available and we started dating, it turned out he had a secret ex whom he’d dropped like a hot potato when I told him I was single. She was upset and sad because she didn’t know how someone who was telling her he’d “never felt this way about anyone” and that “he couldn’t wait for her to meet his parents” had ended things abruptly, was introducing ME to his parents, and yes, even took me as his date to her friend’s wedding. When she contacted me and told me about it all, he lied and lied until his back was against the wall and he had to confess. I got really angry at him and we split up for a month. If he could do that to her he could do it to me, right? And why lie about the fact that he was seeing someone?
Well, assclowns can also be charmers and we got back together. I was in heaven. We had such a solid friendship and everything was great, but I noticed he seemed a bit moody, uneasy. Right before we were meant to take a trip together, he was really mean to me one weekend and then just dropped me on my tukus…just like he’d done to the girl before me. I learned later that in our month apart, when he was still talking like he wanted to be together, he’d already invited another girl on our summer trip. Not exactly the sign of someone who wants things to work out. It is taking me a LONG time to get over, and I don’t know why, but I’m really holding onto the hope that time does heal all wounds. I’m so over being sad about this idiot, grieving the loss of our friendship (which was really just him pretending to be a nice guy so I’d date him, because I tried to be friends and he’s completely different now) and embarrassed that I fell for such a jerk when there were all those warning signs.
I DO NOT think he’s miserable or missing me or sad. I think he HAD moved on because he simply didn’t care in the first place. He just didn’t. I’m livid that two months on, I’m still a mess and he’s living it up. He doesn’t deserve that.
OMG I felt like you were writing about my ex. We were friends, he chased me for a while, made all these promises about our future, hinted at marriage, etc. When I finally became available and we started dating, it turned out he had a secret ex whom he’d dropped like a hot potato when I told him I was single. She was upset and sad because she didn’t know how someone who was telling her he’d “never felt this way about anyone” and that “he couldn’t wait for her to meet his parents” had ended things abruptly, was introducing ME to his parents, and yes, even took me as his date to her friend’s wedding. When she contacted me and told me about it all, he lied and lied until his back was against the wall and he had to confess. He sent us both an email in which he pretty much admitted that he liked us both but that he just chose me. Not exactly convincing is it? I got really angry at him and we split up for a month. If he could do that to her he could do it to me, right? And why lie about the fact that he was seeing someone before we were together?
Well, assclowns can also be charmers and we got back together. I had months and months of this person being an angel to me, wasn’t it worth another go? Once we started up again, I was in heaven. We had such a solid friendship and everything was great, but I noticed he seemed a bit moody, uneasy. Also, he and the ex were still “friends” and she never was quite out of the picture. Every time I confronted him about this “friendship,” he acted like I was being jealous and crazy. We were both abroad finishing up our contracts and talking about spending the summer together at his Mediterranean summer home and then apply to our next jobs. It all seemed so PLANNED. Right before I left (planning to see him in 3 weeks), he was really mean to me for a few days and then just dropped me on my tukus…just like he’d done to the girl before me. Us being together “just didn’t feel right.” I was devastated, I was confused. I kept blaming myself. Thinking of every moment we had together. What could I have done differently? Where had I gone wrong? WELL. I learned later that in our month apart, when he was still talking like he wanted to be together and insisting I don’t see anyone else, he’d already invited another girl on our summer trip. A month before he dumped me he was already planning my replacement. And here I was, thinking there was something I could have done to prevent this. Not exactly the sign of someone who wanted things to work out, is it?
I just don’t get it. We got along so well, the chemistry was amazing, we could talk for hours, why didn’t he want to be with me? More importantly, if he didn’t, why lead me on for so long?
The whole thing is taking me forever to get over, and I don’t know why. I’m really holding onto the hope that time does heal all wounds. I’m so over being sad about this idiot, grieving the loss of a person that never really existed because now I know that he’s a love chameleon. He became exactly who he knew I wanted him to be. I feel like it was all a game to him, he just liked the chase. As soon as it was time for him to actually take the actions to live up to all those promises about our future, he BAILED. I’m bummed and embarrassed that I fell for such a jerk when there were all those warning signs in the beginning.
I have to say, I DO NOT think he’s miserable or missing me or sad. I think he HAD moved on because he simply didn’t care in the first place. He just didn’t. I’m livid that two months on, I’m still a mess and he’s living it up. He doesn’t deserve that. I tried to be friends and chat with him a few times, but how can we be friends when he’s never owned up to the fact that he played me like a harp? I’m intelligent, I’m attractive, how did I get duped so badly? And when I started googling this type of man, I was amazed to see that there are so many of them out there. I’m angry that they go around breaking hearts and can just move on so effortlessly. Where’s the justice? Meh well.
If you try to think of it in terms that he is nothing but a supply seeking actor; he got along with other women just as he did with you too BUT and I mean BUT – ITS NOT REAL with anyone else either – it feels like a soul mate because he mirrors everyone – maybe they should call it “mirror-mate” lol I mean what person wouldnt think they have met the love of their life when all he does is agree and pretend to like everything you like – and what is so sick (like the e-mail you found to this other friend) is they are like a tape recorder, they just insert a different tape. He is telling her what he knows she wants to hear. Here is something that helped me; I was discarded like I never existed after 4 years, but as I thought about that I switched it around- it wasnt that I never existed, it was HIM who never existed – you were really the only person in the relationship when it comes right down to it. I mean you cant have any type of genuine healthy relationship when ONE person is only in it!! ha ha I am not laughing at it because nothing is funny about this experience but I now laugh at their sick, idiotic behavior. CLASSIC, his little distant cold act he gave you right before the break up, ewwww the big discard was coming so he has to pretend there is something wrong with you or the relationship; They invent out of thin air excuses and lies about you and why it just isnt working out – some of them tell you and some of them are even WORSE cowards and just vanish and maybe you will get a phone call a month later saying “it wasnt working” – BULLSHIT – there was nothing wrong with you and what you gave to the relationship the reason it failed was because there was something wrong with HIM – As you mourn and cry you can cry over the fact he was disordered but dont ever cry or blame yourself for anything – it took me over a year to stop blaming myself The key here is to learn about his disorder and you will come to accept and understand why he did what he did – it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their disease. Disconnect from him FOREVER – he will be like this for the rest of his life, my x path is pushing 60 and he was like this when he was 25 – their disorder is WHO THEY ARE. You deserve better, I mean A LOT BETTER – they are the bottom of the barrel. hugs
Thank you so much! So much you said has resonated, especially this part
“he mirrors everyone – maybe they should call it “mirror-mate” lol I mean what person wouldnt think they have met the love of their life when all he does is agree and pretend to like everything you like – and what is so sick (like the e-mail you found to this other friend) is they are like a tape recorder, they just insert a different tape.”
Thank you for your kind words, it’s hard not to blame myself but I know that has to do with some abandonment issues from childhood *insert violins.* My biggest fear was that someone I loved would up and leave and…OH LOOK IT HAPPENED.
You’re right about cutting off from him. I thought that though he was a psycho, we could still be friends, but I realized I was always the one calling. He would go on about how happy he was i was talking to him again, but he NEVER called me. Now I see he wouldn’t. I know his secret. I’m tainted because I know HE’S damaged. No point in nurturing a relationship with a woman who doesn’t adore him. He’d rather have someone loving his false self than loving and being a friend to his real flawed self. Oh well. Yes, I will keep my distance, thank you again for the wisdom.
I’ve been having a hard time because though you are so right, that person didn’t really exist, that still is difficult because it feels like a death. Like someone I really cared about is gone. Also, I’m back in the country and he has left and everything reminds me of him. I can’t believe it’s all lies. Also, it keeps making me nuts that he actively pursued a “friendship” with the girl before me (the one he dumped for me), but has seemed to be totally fine without me. I don’t get it. I was so much nicer to him. And now I’m trying to make sense of the actions of a man whom has PROVEN he has a few screws loose. For what?
It feels like he died because he DID die – the person he pretended to be for you he “killed off” so a death has occurred. What is difficult about coming to terms with that is that this person (in flesh bones and blood) is still walking around; you may see him on FB (which you should not be looking at =( you may see or hear of him what appears to be happy with someone else, or even getting MARRIED and/or living with another – there was never a funeral or burial of this person but the pretense of what he pretended to be for you he killed. What you have to see through all your confusion at this time is to remember the person he really is is a psychopath, and it is the psychopath who killed everything you once believed in. He is a murderer in a round about way. I want to buy Aunt Alex book about mirroring – I bet it’s EXCELLENT – but if we even go further into their assasination of the persona they played for us it is no wonder we are left totally not even knowing who the hell we are when it’s over – imagine if you can how they systematically and methodically programmed us to believe we were their soul mates by mirroring us; then BAM they begin the devaluing, projecting, gaslighting and so forth – in my opinion those techniques are the emergence of the mask slipping and the psychopath rearing his ugly REAL face. We say to ourselves, but you once loved everything about me, from my cute toes to my beautiful smile and what my beliefs were. They never loved ANYTHING about us no matter how beautiful they were inside or out. We are left questioning ourselves and everything we believed in we thought they admired.
You speak of “friendship” – these people dont have real friends just as they dont have real romantic partnerships or marriages – they have nothing REAL the sooner you understand that the clearer the picture will be for you. So as you are “going Nuts’ that he is pursuing a friendship with this person let me reassure you he will never be a real friend to anybody, just as he was never a real partner to you. She simply has something he finds useful he can use. He is fine without you – GOOD, EXCELLENT and I am happy as hell my x path is fine without me – STAY THE TUCK AWAY – as I am no longer “useful ” to a psychopath and/or predator.
Thanks, you are so right. I can’t say enough, you’re just RIGHT. OK. I really am finally in a place where I have the perspective and good frank kick-in-the-pants advice-thanks Recovered-to know this needs to be left permanently in the past.
I hope I didnt come across too harsh, I hate this disorder with my whole being, it has destroyed beautiful peoples lives – as much as we become more complete and whole from the experience ourselves it was still a horrible injustice that was done to us. I wish there was a blood test in where people stood in line and if it came back positive they were psychopaths, they could be quarantined from the rest of us lol and sent to another planet to live; but they are here and they will always try to blend in with the rest of us that are human. I still harbor some anger at times – I am angry because it took 6 years of my life but I know what I learned far surpasses that. The only thing I can do is help others from time to time –
And you do a great job. I appreciate straight talk, these things needed to be said! I feel really good and I am glad I found this site. I normally avoid writing on these walls, but you all have been very helpful and supportive. I’m happy this is here as a resource for other girls who get blindsided by these Narcissists.
PS-Then again, after he dropped her and humiliated her to be with me, this girl always cried and wanted to maintain a relationship with him. Even though she had a moment where she flipped out on him, she went right back to being pleasant as pie and wanting to be friends. I think the crying was an ego boost because he felt it showed how much she cared. When he dropped ME out of the blue after 3 days of bad behavior and started making up RANDOM excuses for why we didn’t work when we actually got along like a house on fire, instead of crying, I yelled at him for being such a fake and told him I knew his game. And though I had a ton of questions and didn’t really understand, I made it very clear to him that I got that he was one of the most insincere, selfish people I’d ever met and I didn’t let up.
Yes I got a little nuts. I was demanding answers, giving him examples of his inconsistent behavior, this went on for days every time I saw him. I think he felt a bit henpecked, but it felt good to see him squirm. After that, I apologized for going so hard on him and we tried to be friendly, but he knew I’d meant everything I’d said. So yeah, I guess I’d be harder to maintain a friendship with. I held him accountable, she didn’t really. OH WELL! If you can’t stand up to the criticism, don’t be a jerk. Thanks again ladies, it’s nice to see that we can support each other through these difficult times. I know that in a year I’ll be cursing myself for spending so much time thinking about this psycho.
I wanted to share what I found to be one of the best descriptions of the intensified bond we formed with them; this bond was formed sexually as well as psychologically: Great sex doesn’t mean anything. Anything about “…2 people in love- deeply connecting”.
I believe INTENSITY is wrongly interpreted as INTIMACY. And intensity is the result of the incredible tension created by a narc. The tension, which came from our anxiety, emptiness, sadness triggered by his endless mind games. Of course we want this tension to go away. The highs, the joy we feel during this “passionate” sex is not about intimacy or love. It is our enormous need to have our pain and tension to go away by him “showing ” us how much we are “loved”. I strongly believe that here is the source of our addiction. It is the “pain relief” and not “real joy”.
In this sex there is no place for normal/calm/human tenderness which does not create an addiction btw, but a warm feeling of love and the joy of being truly loved.
As long as YOU continue to tell yourself that this was the greatest sex and or connection that you ever had, frankly you are screwed.
These are the LIES which we tell ourselves which keep us BOUND to the disordered one and keep our addiction alive and kicking.
: INTENSITY NOT NOT = INTIMACY!!!
Think of it this way: You are in love with, addicted to, a man who lies to you, cheats on you, talks down to you, and in general makes you unhappy. He has a PD which cannot allow him to LOVE in anyway that is EVER going to make you happy. He is selfish, self centered, manipulative, and aloof.
Every now and again he decides to use you and your body to relieve himself of his anger, fear, his general sense of disconnection from the world and people, and built up tensions. Seeing as he has so much of this inside of himself it feels intense.
You generally feel disconnected from him, unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, used, confused, insecure in the relationship, unsure of how he feels, and all the rest of it etc…
HE decides to throw you a bone and have SEX with you. SEX for the PD is the glue that binds. IT is the ONLY glue which binds because they bring NOTHING else to the table.
So here you have two people, neither one of them is on top of their game in this relationship. The PD because he is an empty hollow shell of a person, and you because you have become so damaged and needy in the relationship with the PD.
NOW enters the picture, the sexual encounter with the PD and the needy one. HE decides to throw you a bone called, SEX with you.
OF COURSE it is going to FEEL and APPEAR like a big thing because there is NOTHING else that you are receiving from this person, so in your mind, you put all your eggs in this basket and LIE to yourself, you say he must love me because the sex is so intense, I have never felt this way before, etc…
You become so starved for attention and normalacy that you FOOL yourself into believing that the SEX is some big thing, when in reality it is only a small portion of what makes a great relationship. With the disordered one it becomes EVERYTHING because this is ALL that you are getting. The contrast to being touched and paid attention to so strongly, is startling to your mind, body, and soul, that it ONLY APPEARS to be great.
HOW can it be so great if the rest of the relationship sucks. Thinking it is so great is how the mind of the addicted one in the relationship lies to themself as an excuse to keep the addiction going.
These are the lies that you tell yourself in order to justify going back to and missing the very thing, the PD, which is keeping you stuck and sick. YOUR drug is keeping you stuck. Thinking about the drug as anything short of poison is keeping you stuck. He is poison to you, the sex is poison to you, the obsessive thinking is the unhealthy part of you, justifying and rationalizing and looking for an excuse to go back to your drug and stay stuck.
When you change your thinking about the sex and stop making it more important to you than the big picture of what he is and what you become when you are involved with him, this is when the obsession and need for him will begin to diminish.
The power lies in you, in your thoughts, your interpretations of what is real. Change your thinking and your life will also change.
He is not great sex, he is not the love of your life, he is a sick, lying, manipulative disordered one who used your body to feel connected and release his tensions. Nothing more than that going on with a PD.
*** I hope this flips a light switch for others, too.
I racked my brain trying to figure out why I felt the sex with this person was the greatest thing on earth I ever experienced; performance wise he was basically no different that what I had experienced before in my relationships but yet….. there was something so intense that compared to no other. I was hungry and craving to feel any ounce of love from him and sex was the closest thing that relieved my pain; it was the only thing he was able to offer me, or ANYBODY for that matter, that resembled human connection (even though it was only i that was connecting). So as a result we leave the relationship thinking the sex was so great – it was nothing more than a relief of my emotional pain – no wonder it seemed great. It’s something to think about, because this is the unhealthy bond we must disconnect from. Once you break this sick bond the pain diminishes greatly hugs
Your absolutely, completely right recover.
Nail spot on! Love how you broke it down so detailed and persice.
Is it me or…. Do most N’s have big pensis?
lol – I dont know if their endowment has any type of connection to being a psychopath; I highly doubt it!! They come in all different sizes just as non disordered individuals do – mine also was endowed in that department but I know of two other women who said they were small – and yet these men got so many women they were standing in line for them – so who knows – mine always said “isnt that the greatest D–k you ever felt”? ( he was so humble ha ha) I always wanted to tell him – sure if it’s injected with viagra – he took viagra not because he had an ED problem but because he was most likely bored having sex with me. He preferred to masturbate anyway to his orgy fantasies. He had alot of sexual fetishes – wanted me to grow my hair on my legs long and my underarms and yes the private area as well – by the time the relationship was over I looked like a gorilla – (just kidding) he requested the strangest things – he should have just visited the zoo and picked out a monkey to screw; he never saw my beauty or cared one bit about my good human qualities – I was an object, a toaster oven with a hole – another body to use and throw away. Took me a long long time to heal from such a deep degrading – I am an attractive woman and he made me feel like someone’s left over scraps!!! I realize today as much as he made me feel worthless, in truth was the level of how much better I was than him – everything is reversed with them; in order for them to reign power and control over us they had to make us feel we weren’t good enough for them so they could control us. So we would beg them not to leave us, or try harder to please them; he isnt worthy of uttering my name –
Ok, well that’s good know that their package has nothing to do with their illness.
I finally told my ex N’s friend to leave me the fuck alone. He questioned it and I told him he was never my friend he was my ex N’s and truthfully every time his friend contacts me its to inform me of my ex N’s Buisness. So far the ex N met this girl online on Sunday, she came to his Monday, liked it and moved in that same Monday they met for the first time…… When I was told that…. By two different people it hit me so hard in the head how dum I was to even involve myself with him to begin with. I felt so embarrassed to ever even be seen with him….. So nasty. Apparently there’s nothing normal at all about the new girlfriend, to the point she acts and looks like a recovering addict. LOOOL…… Goes to show, nothing about them is normal. Everyone is just counting an waiting for the days she cleans him out and leaves…. She’s a con-artist from the looks of it. Which is great for him because he’s finally met his match, his karma. He’s in such idolization over her that he’s blinded by her doing…. Which are hilarious to me.
I’ve just been laughing since I’ve heard the news, but also seen that his friend only tells me these things thinking ill want him (his friend) as if he’s using this as ammunition to get me in his bed. It’s so sick and annoying.
drama drama drama – you should not be knowing any of this and what he is doing, it serves no purpose – how is this one for closure on my end – I never spoke to his GF, NEVER dont know anything about her and dont want to – told me when he met me things were not good with them – and yet he was with her the entire 5 years we saw each other – He even built a half a million dollar home and when it was completed, she moved right in. mmm guess they must have gone to boyfriend and girlfriend counseling to iron out their problems lol – It’s all lies, they dont have faithful relationships with anybody; he has cheated on her during their entire relationSHIT – I was only one in many as he professes how “things arent going well” for the next victim/sucker who believes it. Actually he did speak the truth when he said things werent going well between them – ha ha she just doesnt know about it lol – can you imagine being with someone like that as he is sneaking around behind her back calling his different women pretending he loves them and wanting to meet for a place to screw? Then he goes home after he has been at a hotel all afternoon running errands (ya right) and sits down to a dinner with her being his little pretend wife as if nothing happened. Oh hi honey, dinner sure is good I just fucked some woman at a hotel right before I got home, then they snuggle up together and watch the evening news . I know of a friend I met on another recovery blog who lived with her psychopath for 4 years and when he would come home from work his face smelled of another woman’s genitals – she could smell it on him a mile away – I mean can you even take the time to wash your face before you come home to your wife!!!! (oh and this was the psych who had a small penis by the way lol) Can you see the pattern here ? What I am trying to convey is they all want a steady enabler they keep tucked away at home – psychopaths have LOTS of simultaneous relationships going on at the same time – ALL THE TIME – mine lives with his girlfriend (if you can call her that) and probably has at least three or four women on the side he carries on with, some come and go and some stay for YEARS as I did – as he tried to convince me we would be together one day – sure right, when pigs fly oink oink – I got sucked into his web of lies; brainwashed, manipulated, controlled – just as his Girlfriend is living a lie with him on a daily basis; she has it worse than I ever did. He doesnt love her anymore than he loved me – he has destroyed that poor woman behind her back and she is only being used to cover his hidden other life. I have seen a picture of her, it doesnt really matter what she looks like; she is probably a warm, caring person who loves him and has no idea of how much he cheats on her and spreads lies about how awful their relationship is. I often wanted to tell her what she is living with, but I fear how devastating it would be to her; I pray one day she catches him or maybe someone else will tell her and she will leave the sick perverted freak. She deserves better!!!!!
Wow moves in the same day they meet – that has got to be a record. Instant Love isnt it? soul mates inner twined forever ha ha ha – it’s really sick isnt it how they operate – they just latch on to the next impending sucker – remember , psychopaths only like the beginning of things – the rest is too difficult to sustain for very long, so there will be trouble in paradise in a short while. You dodged a bullet and a heartache that would have ruined your life
P.s…. Mine also had always had to take ecstasy before sex. I literally thought it was just to keep up with me… Due to age difference and stamina. I know for damn sure and anyone who’s ever had sex with me can testify I’m extremely wild in the sac. So I know I wasn’t boring…. Than again their not normal thinkers so he probably thought I was…… Loco.
I think my ex N is extremely bored…. He texted me this morning. After about a month a some days of no contacting….. He said a text saying “Gd morning how ru doing long time have a bless day hun.”………. Dude…. Your soon to be wife whom lives in your home now and is still sleeping while she trusts your at work not communicating with exs is in the picture. The complete lack of respect these evil people display is just un-fucking-believable. Just the beginning of this week he took her shopping (which he’d never ever done with me) & to laugh even harder I always told him if he got me a puppy I’d move in with him… He refused & always said dogs were disgusting….. Fast forward abit he’s getting his new thang a puppy. Hilarious. I already know there all broken promises (idealization phase still in full effect). Just to funny to me.
P.s….. Don’t worry recover I didn’t reply. Not the slightest but interested. To ashamed.
Mocalady: How is this information getting to you ? That he is buying her a puppy and he took her shopping? and why isnt he blocked? While it can be entertaining in the aftermath in what they do, it’s still very toxic to even KNOW- the ONLY reason and I mean ONLY reason he text you is for a future boodie call – I mean are you going to sit over tea and discuss politics? He asks “How have you been”? in other words – will you let me still F you, can I squeeze out some more triangulation and/or supply from you? You speak of “Evil” I could tell you worse evil than calling one of his x’s as his pretend GF is sleeping at home – that is just boredom – how about meeting someone for sex as the GF is grocery shopping and running a few errands – or bringing your women to the bed his wife and him sleep in – now we are getting into what is EVIL – this constitutes a TOTAL lack of conscience, guilt or remorse – No Mocalady there is nothing funny about them – more like sick and scary come to mind, you were probably on a list he was looking at when he was getting his boredom itch than needed to be scratched- they recycle people like aluminum cans – they drain and empty you then toss you away when you are empty – He has got the pretend GF all happy and in love now, and throws in a puppy to top it off – little does she know the only love she will get is from that puppy – that should keep her busy for awhile he thinks to himself.
Block him, change your phone number – block him from FB, e-mail and every other thing you can think of. If outside sources start to tell you what he is doing cover your ears with your hands and start singing la la la la la la – after all, what do you care what a sociopath is doing? I too once thought his behavior was something I would laugh at, but in truth this man hurt me very very deeply and nothing in what he did to me was remotely funny – Yes, it was wonderful to finally figure out what he was and I sat back quite content with this knowledge for a long time – this is when I got serious about myself and made changes to make sure this would never happen to me again. Moca, the day you dont care what he is doing is the day you have moved on; and we all secretly harbor deep down for a long time a burning curiousity in what they are doing and who they are with and we wonder why we were so rejected as they seem to be with someone else on a more serious level. These are normal human questions we ask ourselves, because we were discarded so coldly in what seemed at first to be so perfect. It’s all an illusion Moca, ALL OF IT – even the text he sent you, it’s all part of his illusion – the puppy is part of the love illusion – none of it has any meaning to him – I dont want to know what my x path is doing because what he is doing is nothing but a facade and an illusion, his life is not real because there is NOTHING inside him. Think of him as something from the “Twilight Zone” – hugs
Why are YOU “ashamed”? Dont let him project the guilt and blame on to you because of HIS disorder – the shame is all on him, every bit of it – are you feeling this shame because he fooled and duped you? A liar, cheater swindler, manipulator, emotional rapist oh and puppy buyer lol – because that is all he is – no matter how much he may seem to have he is nothing but a loser – and he is a disordered loser at that!! We can walk away with our heads held high, I sure as hell did
Your right Recover- per usual. Lool, I knew you were goin to ask how in the ge I knew I all of this stuff. My roommate still fucks his good friend. It’s like everyone around him laughs at him and must talk about what’s he’s doing and how ridiculous he is. When I hear the things about him I no longer feel a way. When he texted me yesterday I completely deleted it, I never had him on Facebook so that’s a good thing. The only way for him to contact me is threw my phone and I’m done with that nonscene. He knows he can’t call me, and to text is a risk he takes and doesn’t get a reply. Such a damn loser.
You will get there with indifference and wont even give him a second thought – That is all they are really good for in the scheme of things; tucking and sucking, scheming, plotting, deceiving, lying, manipulating, cheating (that goes without saying) – remember this, the moments you think you miss the sex – trust me his sexual performances would not have lasted with you or anybody. They only like the beginning of things, that moment when they know they have nailed it then it all gets old to them so they cheat with the next new thrill – rinse, repeat the same sick cycle- new body parts that is all it is for them. Why would you give a rat’s ass who his flavor of the month is – nothing but heartache in store for her – I wouldnt even want them as a friend with benefits; if I was a woman just wanting a lover and no strings attached they would be the last type of lover I would want – NO THANKS – I prefer someone that would treat me like a human for starters and appreciate and enjoy my company- they would make good pimps in my opinion – sex for them is just business and their way of life to bring them rewards. Sex doesnt really mean much to most of them, it’s just one method for them to control others. Ever notice how things started to turn to shit AFTER you had sex with them? After I had sex with mine I went from the love of his life to a “gutter slut” – for the life of me I dont understand how I was a gutter slut when I didnt even have sex for a few years before I met him – mmmm – if I were mother Teresa I am sure I would have still been a gutter slut!! They are twisted beyond what we can comprehend. I am not sure your’s is a full blown sociopath? Sounds more like an asshole player to me with strong narcissistic behaviors? Maybe he is a baby toad – mine was a BIG BIG dangerous Toad. Since they are not proper human beings to begin with they cant cultivate a healthy relationship that deepens over time; after the sex their TRUE colors start to show some faster or slower than others. Tell your friend that is tucking his best friend (even though they dont really have friends) that you do not want to hear his name, and you dont care if he lives, thrives, prospers or dies.
Bravo! I congratulate your statements recovered! They would make good pimps. As lovers they are probably rubbish!
I beg you all, try not to mystify them that much! They are specialized human garbage, ready to use anyone. Women are brought up to serve men! And to mystify men. This is the field upon which pimps can blossom. Give them the boot on the spot! And forget about what they do further. There exist more interesting things in the world. Best wishes to all!
I hear ya, I hear ya. He was definitely a toad I tell ya. And your absolutely right after the sex, in the end of our fake relationship his attitude would change towards me and I was always confused to how he would be like that.
well you are not confused anymore – what I once thought was so difficult to understand is now so easy to sort out and see. There are reasons why they do what they do and it was never our fault – nothing was our fault; we just got involved with some really messed up individuals – I have not had contact with mine for over two years – I believe the ones that stay away and never hoover are the ones who ran for it – he knows his gig and game is up with me his efforts would be a waste of his time – we move forward and bury them
My ex- used to dress up as a women in sex?
Yark – Not for me
OMG my Toad had a bag full of cross dressing clothes as well. We never got to that stage though thank god. Anyway, I did get rejected though, he even introduced me to the new girl that was sucking his cock, literally. I found her text message on his phone after I became suspicious as to why she kept hammering his phone with text messages. My relationship with him was a long distance one for four months. I decided to fly to Perth and spend a week with him when he was on Rostered time off. That is when he declared he needed space.. hello, I told him he could have plenty, and asta la vista baby. I’m still suffering from the rejection though as he set me up for the break up. Narcissistic asshole already has two other women on the go. I am lucky to escape his sick and abusive clutches. I’m angry at him, feel used and feel sick at the same time that I could be duped that easily. Nine days of no contact now. I am also going to counselling to deal with the head fuck I got from him. He was a Geminii as well. He wasn’t an Andy he was a Tilly. Girls from Perth and Port Headland in Australia if youre reading this I really feel for you if you get sucked in by his crap. Hang in there ladies who have suffered at the hands of these sickos. We are beautiful and will find the mate that we deserve. What doesn;t kill us makes us stronger. Big hugs to all. x
Cross dressing toads – I have read this so many times. They have so many sexual fetishes – I often wondered what my victoria secret underwear would have looked like on him (just kidding) seriously, this is not uncommon – what is that expression, you can dress em up but you cant take them out. Maybe Tilly will be the woman he wants to be in his next life
My ex had a drawer filled with sex toys: ropes, gags, dildoes, whips, butt hooks, and even sergical needles. Yes, surgical needles! I can only imagine what he did with those. I think he used to go to dungeons and torture women. It’s hard to imagine that kind of play can be even classified as “sex.” It’s misogonism! Narcissis hate women and can not be intimate. They exploit women’s bodies to gain perverse control. My ex was also into men and transexuals. He has profiles on numerous sex sites! For all of his charm and charisma, all women leave him. He will never change because he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he does. If he was capable of better, then he would have been better. Past behavior is the best indicator of the future.
My narc ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago and is still in the flat – we’re both on the lease and as it’s inconvenient for them, they want to continue on there until the end of Jan. Like the article, they are appararently fine with the whole thing, haven’t a care in the world and are ensconced in a completely new social whirl.
By the time the end came – during a massive work cycle, which should have been a real career builder – there had been a massive period of silent treatment, dressing me down in front of others manipulation and passive aggression. After 3 weeks of 12 – 14 hour days it took for me to confront them for them even to confirm verbally that it was over. When I suggested they move out, they refused and I gave them a push and a shove, which they responded to by calling my mother and sister who live in Oz to advise them I was losing the plot and infer that I was suicidal. Having lost my brother to suicide just months before we got together – I know, I know – this caused a massive amount of distress to my family and resulted in me escorted to the emergency ward. And so, the long running campaign of smearing my name and inferring I was ‘mad’ or mentally unstable commenced.
I even took three weeks away in Oz to remove myself from the situation and during this time they made no attempt to get out. In fact, they used my abscence to contact relatives and my staff members expressing concern for me – yeah right – and make sure they looked like a compassionate, lovely person. Really? Try alienating me from more people and making sure I have no-one.
It really is hard to believe these people exist – but now I am sure of it.
So, any tips for getting the Ass Clown to go or do I just leave??
You just leave.
Thanks Aunt Alex – he is leaving – taking his time – but I have nc’ed him and managed to not cross his path for over 2 weeks. Holding tight and moving forward! The flat feels better already!
NC works without a doubt – they are oxygen thieves and feed off whatever contact you give them. It truly is easier to breathe when you’re not just facilitating someone else… As for possible ‘hoovers’ – I am not a dust bunny! Go see your new lady for some of that…
Keep up the great work Aunt Alex xx
From all accounts as I remember them now, for two years I had a wonderful relationship with a man I adored, loved, and respected more than anyone I’d ever known. He treated me with such care and overwhelming love…and then went home to his wife. Even as I knew that was wrong, I allowed myself to respect the fact that he was still with his wife after 17 years even though he was not happy. He always made time for me and took every chance he could to be with me. I really believed in him and in us. I don’t remember that we ever had disagreements or were on bad terms as many others talk about. He never tried to blame me for anything and always took the blame for every minute we couldn’t be together. It was always just plain good and loving. We talked of marriage and he was going to leave his wife and we would be together. I so wanted the life his wife had with him, minus the cheating which, of course I told myself, he wouldn’t do to me. Then the call came that he couldn’t leave her and I was devastated to say the least. She got pregnant immediately after he had told her about me. I do know he told her because she popped up for the first time in two years at the place we frequented and told me I had a lot of nerve. They had been married 17 years and never had children, and now she was pregnant right away, and I guess that just sealed the deal. He and I ran in the same crowd for a brief time afterwards and saw each other on and off for about six months and were always friendly and still close, though not sexually. I met someone else (what turned out to be a 10 year co-dependent rebound relationship with someone he kind of knew also that just always seemed to be around). He and I eventually went our separate ways but I never got over him. I spent the years fantasizing that one day we would be together again, although after time, the thoughts lessened and I moved through other relationships. The respect I had for him as a man who involved himself in all things giving, as a ball coach and volunteer always helping others, eventually grew even stronger as it turned out he would remain married and raise a family happily, join a church and become an even greater giver of his time. Fast forward 35 years. We started talking and it was just like old times, but more a friendship now. I had eventually married a wonderful man with no desire to cheat. The the confusion started to set in. He seemed so happy, his marriage was going strong,he was so proud of his son and now had a grandbaby, he was retired, involved in all things charitable and a church-going, well respected man. So we got together as friends and have seen each other a few times. I wasn’t deceitful to my husband and told him I just wanted to hang with an old friend once in a while. The last two times he wanted to kiss me in a sexually leading manner. I resisted and told him I just wanted to be friends. But it started feeling kind of strange and I saw things I don’t remember ever happening before. His calls turned a little sporadic. They were leading, as in he couldn’t stop thinking about me, but then days would go by with no word. I started seeing through lies where there had never been any need for them before. Those years before I knew and accepted his marriage and the demands that came with it and never did I threaten or complain as he did spend so much time with me and I truly felt like we were such good friends and lovers that he had no reason to lie to me then. We had been so close and it totally wasn’t all about sex as we spent way too much time together just enjoying each other’s company. But now, after initially telling me that he and his wife were always joined at the hip that he hardly had time for us to get together, but that he really wanted to. His wife went to the beach for a few days and that had been our initial get-together, but just talk for about an hour. He said he had very small windows of opportunity as he called them to be able to talk, like for 10 minute phone calls on a certain day when she ran out for something. To me it seemed really strange that married couples would never have any of their ‘own time’ separately. Later in conversations,I started hearing inconsistancies, like she was actually gone for about four hours on the days where before he only had 10 minutes, as well as alone times he had to go to the gym every day for a couple hours. All of a sudden it seemed he had a good amount of time, but evidently not to see or talk to me. But there was more. I don’t remember EVER hearing anything but a sweet and caring tone to his voice before. Yet in our present day conversations I heard a slight and quick tone of anger generally leading to a quick end of the conversation at times. And in one conversation he ended it by, out of the blue, ending it quickly saying he had to hang up, as if his wife walked in the door and just had to hang up. But thinking back on it, I remember a couple other times he had done the same thing. It was all so out of character that I couldn’t believe what was happening. But he would call back days later with no explanation or what even seemed like something he did. Finally it hit me that something was just not right. I started with simple words on Google search describing some of the things he was doing and why. The word narcissist kept coming up. And I read more and more and more and could not believe how everything, all of it, started fitting together. Thinking back to all of those years before, I did not see that person. He did not fit the mold. He had just ended the relations, hip, stayed with his wife and was a good man who I continued to respect. But now, 35 years later, he was not the man I knew. The man I had loved for over 37 years, who in my heart I had always hoped that somehow, sometime we would be together again, sharing in that same love, was just the shell of the man I saw now. He was lying to me, getting upset at I don’t know what, wanting lustful kisses and not much in the way of conversation or reminiscing. The caring I once felt seemed to have disappeared as he didn’t even ask me about my life or family, things he always did before. He would tell me he loved me in some conversations, but was quick with good-byes in others and it was a guessing game when I would hear from him again, although it was always just a matter of days. Narcissism made sense of the way he is now. But not as it was way back when. All I’ve read about a narcissist’s loyalty to his wife in never leaving her all made sense, and the lies and inconsistencies and only seeming to want to be together in a lustful, not a loving way. Another sign I started to understand in a way different than how I thought it in the past, was his way of craving the limelight and recognition he received by all of his volunteering and being a wonderful person to everyone, and on and on. WOW! What revelations. But somehow it all wasn’t too hard to accept. I knew now he was not a man I would want to be with again as he was not the caring, loving man I knew in the past who would hang onto my every word, treat me like gold, and so on. So I’ve greived more lately but not as deeply, but that has quickly turned to more of pity and caring. I pity him if he has never really known love, and I pity his family if it was not all giving and loving, but I can’t imagine it was not. I pity that he may have experienced a bad childhood to have led him to become this person living on lies. I asked to see him and he arranged it. It was obvious he wanted one thing but I wanted to talk. I guess I broke the cardinal rule with talking rationally to an irrational person. I told him everything I had figured out about the abruptly ended phone calls, the time frames he had to himself, and even using the forbidden words of lies and cheating. He listened very carefully and when he tried to interject I told him I didn’t want to hear it. My intention that day was to walk for good and I had to get it all out before doing so, even as much as it was killing me inside to think of never seeing him again. In the end, it seemed he really understood what I was saying and cared about it. He offered in his response that he was ‘very selfish’. That insight shocked me. He didn’t deny anything I said and made only a few consessions. He was sorry and never wanted to hurt me and seemed truly remorseful. I asked him if he knew what a narcissist was. He replied “I don’t know, someone who loves themself”? It was as if he had heard it before maybe, but I really don’t know. But the next thing he said is the one that really threw me and has stuck more than anything else he had said yet. I had told him how much I had always loved him and always would. He said “I have a love for you, as much as I can understand it to be.” It just makes me wonder, does he understand the love he feels for anyone at all? His family seems so unaffected by anything remotely related to living with a narcissist, and seem so loving judging by things I’ve seen and heard. Of course his son was never told about me so he was unaffected by that. So some signs are there and some seem not to be. In the end he hugged me a long time. I had told him also about how he made me feel cheap now seeming to be heading in the direction of wanting sex over friendship, so I don’t know if that was the reason for not kissing me goodbye. He asked me if I wanted him to stop calling me and I told him that was what I had been leading up to by the conversation, but that now I didn’t want him to stop. I was fine understanding how things were now and him knowing I couldn’t be conned or used anymore. He said he was glad we would still talk. So the situation is this now. I haven’t heard from him since Monday, but our talks have always usually come on Fridays or Mondays. I still love him and care deeply for him in a long time friendly way and am very sympathetic and understanding that he can’t help his actions. I have no animosity or anger or bad feelings knowing this. I do want to continue having him in my life as a friend. Is that possible for him? I guess I’ll find out, but as most sites explain, he will probably not want anything else to do with me if I stop feeding his needs for adoration and superiority. But I am prepared for that. After all these years and understanding what I THINK I know now, I know I can go on and eventually stop thinking of him but once in a while. I read that narcissism can get worse as a person ages (he’s in his late 60’s). I will always wonder if it could have been real way back then and maybe it just started hitting him years later. Or if we were ever real at all. I’ll just never know. I only know that for as long as it lasted before, that it was good. And my life is good now, with or without him. If narcissism is truly something that can’t be helped, and if it is probable that it grew out of a tattered childhood, when all is said and done and after our hurts can subside, the narcissist will still have to live his/her sad and loveless life. In the end, there are most likely no answers to be heard, nothing to try to figure out, and no hopes to hold onto with the narcissist. I do hope that everyone who has been hurt in this way can one day learn to heal, and MAYBE one day find a little bit of compassion for the sickness and suffering this person has felt and will continue to feel for the rest of their life. A life without real love must be so very lonely.
Aunt Alex, help! If you need more context, please check out my two posts in the comments section, I need advice. I haven’t seen my N in the months since the trainwreck that was our breakup. We’ve talked a few times, always very casually. He’s coming to town and wants to meet and went from really only being in touch when I checked in with him, to-now that he will be around-being in touch a lot lately. I don’t get his angle or what his intentions could be.
I want to meet up because I’m thinking/hoping I’ll get some closure over some of the questions he never answered from an email I sent months ago in which I basically described certain things he did in our relationship that really made it seem like he knew from day one that he would dump me, yet he talked marriage. Why all the games? Why talk about a future he had no intention of having with me? He never did respond to the email and I want answers, because right now it seems I was another victim. I see a trend where He chases women that are hard to get, feeds them a ton of pie in the sky lies, then once they fall for him and he’s gotten the ego boost, he suddenly and callously dumps them and moves on to a more difficult target. It all seems so evil and unlike the guy he seemed to be (but I know, Recovered, they are indeed chameleons). My friends, however, say he won’t say anything worth hearing and it’s a waste of time.
I don’t what to do. I know I don’t want him back, I know he’s the avoidant type and would walk through fire before being honest and admitting to any scheming, mind-games or wrong-doing, so this authentic, cathartic conversation I’ve dreamt of is really just a pipe dream…so what is the purpose of us meeting?
I just wonder if he’s a true N. He fits most of the description. Mind games, yes. Lies and manipulation? Yes. Gaslighting? Yes. Thinking of only himself and not caring how his actions affected others? Yes. But to my knowledge he has a good relationship with his family and friends and he never cheated (aside from the questionably close relationship he had with the ex he dumped to be with me) or put me down like I’m reading the other N’s did, but he did make my feelings and me seem irrelevant often.
I’d love to just have a nice meetup (our last interaction was so ugly) and have fun together and THEN feel like I left things on a nice note, but I guess he doesn’t deserve that…ugh. We were such good friends before we dated , I miss that person. I’d love to have my friend back but I know it was all pretend and just part of his attempts to woo me at the time. When he dumped me he was unnecessarily horrible to me out of the blue, so clearly he didn’t care about preserving our friendship. So why the contact now? Just another game to see if I’ll agree to see him?
Actually, Aunt Alex I re-read your post and it think I have my answer, right?
I’m sorry this is long but I’m so emotionally hurt now and am looking for some answers…..I am so stupid…and gullible that I never saw it coming – but is she a sociopath or just a cheater??
I met this professional woman online in February 2013 and during the first month I didn’t ask her to be in a relationship with me. She liked me as well during that time but she didn’t pursue me either. We spent some weekends together but never actually became an exclusive couple. We eventually went our separate ways and dated others. In April 2013 I came back into her life and we started going out. Unfortunately she had been seeing a guy for two months but she said she loved me and wanted to be with me. Eventually, she told me she broke up with this other guy because she wanted to see other people. However, according to her she did not tell him specifically the reason for the breakup was me. She had always said that she had never left one man for another man and she didn’t want to start now. In actuality she never stopped seeing this other guy…she just continued to see me as well. The “break up” with him occurred right after her and I came back from a 5 day trip together.
Over the next three months she and I traveled extensively taking trips out of state, hotels, bed and breakfasts, Eastern Shore, DC on the 4th of July, Atlantic City…etc and having the BEST times every time. However, she still saw the other guy occasionally which was always in my mind. I always asked when she was going to see him again and she was mostly honest with me about still seeing him which I hated knowing but I accepted. During these months, she spent more time with me than him for but it still bothered me that she wouldn’t commit to me. She always lied to him when she was with me…..and as hurtful as it is to admit…she would always post our trips on her Facebook page but I was never tagged or even shown in photos. Her photos consisted of things such as the hotel we were at, sunsets, the restaurants we went to…shows we attended…a landmark…the food/wineglasses at our table……etc…but never once was I shown on FB with her. I have many photos of us together on these vacations but out of respect I didn’t post them on FB either. I let her control the situation. She said she was just trying to spare his feelings and I accepted it because I was hoping that I would eventually be with her forever. That was probably one of the most hurtful aspects of this relationship. Knowing I was being hidden away like she was cheating on a husband or boyfriend. She said she was very confused and often questioned why I didn’t grab her back in February when I had the chance. I honestly don’t know why and have told her that countless times but that really always seemed to bother her.
Anyway, since coming back into her life in April I treated this girl like a princess. Trust me on this and she knows it too. I began loving this woman everyday more and more and treated her as such. She told me every day she loved me. She bombarded me with words that made me feel awesome. She said she loved this other guy too but her love for me was different – with me she had such passion. She was IN love with me versus just loving the other guy. She built me up. She said if the other guy left or dated someone else it wouldn’t be a huge deal…but if I were to leave or date someone else it would destroy her. She made me feel so special…and she was so much fun…and I found her to the most beautiful woman in the world. Not a woman alive could make me feel as special as she did. There’s no question I would be there for her forever. However, there were red flags. I was not introduced to all of her friends and lots of times she went out alone without me even though I asked to come with her. I was flat out denied. She would also change plans with me at the last minute – even once when I was on the way to pick her up – deciding that she was going to her Mom’s house or somewhere else…and I was normally never invited. She left me dangling a lot and I always was unsure where I stood. Not a good feeling.
As for this other guy, when she did go out on a date with him she would post it on Facebook and also tag him which made me feel awful to know she would do that with him but not me. She claimed it was because people assumed they were still dating. She would also disappear for days and not respond to texts or VMs I left…and then once in a while I’d get a response that says “I love you more than you know”. That’s it. Then I’d be ignored again while she’s out having a good time and showing it on Facebook. This was extremely hurtful as well. She always managed to call me days later like everything was okay and always had some kind of excuse. This went on for months…it took its toll on me…I lost close to 40 lbs in less than 3 months from the stress.
So…a little over a month ago I take her out to eat…we have drinks…we’re having a great time. We go back to her place and it’s around midnight…still having a great time. We’re having some wine, eating some food…in bed…barely dressed…it’s literally the best time of my life to be honest…and then there’s a bang on the door and it’s him. He yelled inside that he knew I was there (my car was out front). I knew she wouldn’t just allow him to stand outside and bang on the door so I opened the door…and to make a long story short…she asked ME to leave and he stayed. He literally just took my place in bed in a matter of seconds. I didn’t see or speak to her for weeks after. I’m disgusted. I’m completely heartsick. I am so heartbroken, completely devastated, totally numb and in a fog. I loved this girl so much.
She immediately unfriended me on all social media sites immediately after that. There really was no closure and definitely no apology. We’ve spoken since and she says that she unfriended me on all social media sites because she doesn’t want to hurt me anymore by me seeing pictures of him and her together and it’s too soon and too “raw” for all of us. She also blamed me for opening the door that evening because she wanted to convince him nothing was going on that evening but she was barely dressed so that didn’t fly…plus he and I had some words and I said something to him as I was being kicked out like I was with her on certain occasions that he hadn’t known about. Anyway, she said she couldn’t forgive me for doing that either. I’ve tried talking to her about everything that occurred and why but she really isn’t fazed much. Even on the phone I’m pleading my heart out to her and I can hear her typing in the background…or she’ll interrupt and say can I call you right back? And then not even call.
Based on her upbringing (she and her siblings spent time in foster care, her dad left them, her mother had a nervous breakdown) she has admitted to me that she has detachment issues with her emotions. Instead of dealing with issues head on, she has always dealt with negative emotions by hiding them away in her head, putting on a happy face. Basically she doesn’t really feel the emotional pain that most people feel because as a child that was how she was able to cope with some of the painful things that happened to her growing up. When I told her how devastated I was and told her that she had “No idea” of the pain that she has caused me…she replied (sincerely) that she wished she knew how I felt. She strikes me as the type of person that could shoot you and then go out for drinks after.
Should I consider myself lucky that she went with this guy and left me alone? I’ve read about transitional victims of sociopaths. I kind of figured maybe I was the transitional victim – the one that they use in between long term victims. The targets who they don’t really put much effort into. Just try to destroy their victims for fun and then discard them. She told me multiple times every day that she loved me but she never actually demonstrated her love to me. Aside from a few dinners at the beginning of our “relationship”, she never spent a dime on me.
She is a charmer though. Her friends LOVE her. She’s fun, charming, witty, smart, and beautiful and loves to go out drinking with them. There’s not a day that goes by where she’s not invited somewhere to do things with her friends. She has a lot of guy friend as well as girlfriends (and on FB) and they all love her and enjoy being around her. She doesn’t have appear to have an enemy in the world. She still professes her love for me but she says she’s with him now and is trying to do the right thing so she won’t see me. I don’t know what to make of this. It sounds abnormal. She really destroyed me and doesn’t really seem to care much.
She’s has since told me to date other women and when I did go out on a date just this week…she got jealous and wanted to know the girl’s name and asked if I could send her a photo of my date – which I didn’t. I also handed her a hard copy of what I wrote here (without the web address) and she printed it out and put it in her wallet and said it will stay there forever. She said it makes her feel closer to me. Sounds more like she’s proud of her accomplishments and is keeping this as a trophy.
I tried NC with her and that lasted a whopping 2 weeks. When I have spoken with her she seems happy to hear from me – she’s never rude – very soft spoken…but says she is with this guy now and can’t see me…so I guess I’ve been completely discarded. Is this just a matter of a confused girl breaking up with me and now trying to do the right thing by just dating a guy she wants to be with or something else? Should I reach out to her ex to see why they broke up?? (She said he cheated on her)
I’m sorry if I’m all over the place I used to be this healthy person but now I’m in therapy…on sleep medication, anxiety medication and something else prescribed to calm my nerves. I’m still a freaking mess. My heart is in a million pieces. I don’t know which way to go to start putting myself back together. I don’t know why am I so obsessed with her?
I know this is long…but thanks to everyone if they can make me see things in a different perspective.
Hello recover, how are you?
It’s been awhile, but of course I’m in need of advice and understanding.
My Diablo of a N keeps texting me, everyday I never ever reply but like….. Come on, what the fuck??? It’s just so redundant and ridiculous for him consistsantly texting me. Him as well as his best friend I stopped completely talking too. I know from reading on it before they (the Ns) try an reconnect with the suppliers for that specific supply… Now you see with me not replying or even communicating there’s absloutley nothing he’s getting out of me….. NOTHING. Therefore why does he even bother? I’m not committing nor replying to any of his requests- why continue to bother me?
It’s so annoying just like a mosquito…. Annoying as fuck. Surprisingly I’m completely over him and don’t have the slightest urge to talk or communicate with him. Please help me comprehend he’s persistence.
Hi – I am here, havent been on this site recently because I am busy living my life!! Feels good to say that but I do check my e mail everyday. I am always willing to try and help someone if they are struggling, as I appreciate all those that helped and gave their time to me.
Ok ….. I cant pin point exactly and give you the magical answer but I bet I can come pretty damn close as to why he is doing this. Quite crudely put, he is trying to recycle some of that young PUDDY he once received from you – but it goes beyond just the sex and always remember that; they can pretty much get sex anywhere – they are good at it they have had LOTS and LOTS of sex. The predator is going through his little book of past victims and trying to recycle them, because you will always be on that list. Your job is to ignore ignore ignore by doing that even if it takes a year or more you are telling him to scratch you off his list that you are strong and whole now and that you can no longer be manipulated or fooled like he once was able to do with you. Healthy people attract healthy people – sociopaths are not attracted to healthy people, they want weak victims they can exploit and fool they want victims that believe in the love they can give them – they want victims they can fool into believing they will give them what is missing in their life and fill that gap – Your NC tells him you are missing NOTHING in your life that he could possible offer you – all you can do is ignore, delete and remain NC – I told mine once, “You have nothing to offer me that I want” I have found everything I need and my life is complete” They HATE THAT, it gives them no way IN or wiggle room – your silence also tells him that you now have an IRON fence around who you let in your life – that fence is called boundaries, boundaries are there to keep the good in and the bad out – your silence tells him this without saying one single word you have shunned him out of your life forever and he can rot in hell. You need to block him from all networks – phone, e mail, facebook, friends, – silence is the most powerful tool you have hang on to it for dear life – hugs
You’re so awesome! <3
My story is very long but I will a make it short and recall recent events.
From reading this website has made me realize that I had been involved with a narcissist. We had been distant for awhile but remained in contact. The second I mention that I missed him/wanted to reconnect our relationship, he pulled back. Gave me excuses that work was crazy busy etc, and during that time I had falling out with a really close best friend- I shared with him what I was feeling/ going through. He showed no empathy or compassion. He just didn’t care. I called him on it and he would one up me on his issues and of course manipulate me making me feel bad about dumping my feelings/problems on him. I remember pushing my hurt feelings aside and focusing on being there for him and worry about myself later. So during that time I was helping him, he would do the push/pull method- drove me crrrrazy. I felt him leaving yet like a fool I begged and pleaded for answers, for him not to leave- not that I wanted to get back together ( we weren’t together) we have a long history. I just wanted him to remain in my life as a friend. ( Before I identified he was a narcissist or a NPD. Again my pleas went unanswered. I texted him one last time in hopes of getting answers, nope, got a long line of excuses isntead, I need to heal blah blah blah.
This hurt me badly, first he discarded my vulnerability as if it was no big deal, why should I bother. And on top of that he made me felt as if I was nothing to him. Of course in the beginning- he showed he was capable of loving, and very sincere and compassionate – all the good stuff. Boy he had me fooled. He’s quite an actor.
So to finish the story, he recently got back in contact with me after 2 mos. The first time we talked, I kept it casual- didn’t bring up any hurt feelings he caused. I let him go on and on about himself. He contacted me the next morning, I ignored him. Then after that, I decided, hmm let’s see how he’s doing. In hopes that I could let him know what he did to me. So of course I initiated the conversation and made it about him. I told him what he did to me, the hurt he caused, how it made me felt/w hat I went through etc. His response was classic, I said I was sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, I can’t undo it, I can’t redeem myself, etc. He also said to another thing I said to him, that he had no adequate answer to that. Basically in other words ” I don’t give a shit”. Of course after that he turned the tables back on to himself and gave me a whole laundry list of his problems. I heard nothing but excuses blah blah blah. He contacted me tonight, said something about himself. What normal person would go w/o contact all day only to text to say ” I’m exhausted tonight, had a looong day”. Whatever happened to ” hello, how are you “?
So I’ve decided to go NO CONTACT. I’ve told him the hurt he caused and he just doesn’t get it. Maybe he’ll get it now. I realized long ago that I was never the problem even when he and his friends- who he led them to believe, that I was the problem. I’m tired of being the bad guy and I’m tired of dealing with whiny puny man who always want to be the victim and make me feel bad. I am thankful I’ve detached myself from him and I’m thankful he made the choice to terminate our relationship. It’s been an eye opener for sure. I don’t think he’s even aware he’s a narcissist. I don’t think his friends does either. I’d love more than anything to expose him but that’ s not my nature. It’s his loss, bc I’m a damn good catch. He never loved me or he wouldn’t have tried to destroy me.
Sorry my story was so long- it would’ve been even longer if I started from the beginning LOL
I am currently in the midst of another break-up with my N, I think this is for good this time but he keeps popping up on email and text. Up until last week I would aswer him as I was overwhelmed and missed the good with him. A year ago we were engaged and despite the ups and downs of our relationship prior to that I thought we were coming around and things were getting stronger. I allowed myself to be fooled. We broke up shortly after we were engaged and the roller coaster continued as I kept responding to his communication efforts but it erupted with some pretty nasty and vile comments thrown at me and I was devestated.. We went for about 4 months with minimal to no contact, he would pop up out of the blue on text and then disappear shortly after. In June he came back full swing into the picture, professing his love for me again and that he needed the break to realize what I meant to him and that he was going to do whatever it took to make our relationship work. I was hopeful but my gut was cautious ( I wanted to let go and believe him but something wouldn’t let me) but I contniued on and the disappearing acts came back ( he would go silent for days) and the silence and I responded very gently to both, always asking if he was ok and pretty much let him be. Ironically I was not treated the same way. I work two jobs and didnt live with him and tried hard to make as much time for him as possible even if it meant going to his place to cook for him and then go off to my second job. I would get texts doubting that I was actually working, when I was with him he would ask to see my phone if it rang. And this is a guy whose phone was practically super glued to his hands he was on it constantly as well as facebook, I never said a word..Things finally came to a head in early October when I finally questioned him on something he was posting on social media, it was a conversation with another woman. I simply asked for an explanation and things blew up from there and the verbal attacks ensued. Much of this happened on text and email as he wouldn’t pick up his phone and he traveled heavily for work so trying to schedule time to see him to talk this out that he would agree to was next to impossible. This was followed by silent treatment for days on end then he would come back on email. One of my harder days from dealing with this I received an email from him, just one line.. how are you? I was hurting but mustered up the courage to ask him to please stop contacting me on email, if he wanted to talk he had my number. But he started in again telling me he did nothing wrong and there were issues in the realtionship that were unfixable, but he would never say what the issues were. I finally asked that he stop contacting me and he replied that he had to keep checking in otherwise it would be too late for us and I would have moved on..My head was spinning at this point. Fast foward to a week ago, after weeks of no contact. he emails me and says he wants to see me and talk. I was out with my family and not available until later that night. Two hours after his first email stating he wanted to see me he emails again and says he is not ready to see me.. twenty minutes later an a handful of email exchanges he says come over. I am still not available for a few hours. On my way back from my day out I text him and its 8:30 p.m.(Sat.) at night and he texts me back he is in bed.. This is a guy who stays up all hours of the night..
I email him the next day to check in and he emails me back hours later telling me he is going to be too busy over the holiday season and he should have never contacted me..
This is also a guy who confessed to me that after disagreements we have had in the past he has lied to me about seeing his almost grown kids..15 and 20, he would tell me he was spening time with them so he couldnt see me. But when things were golden between us he would invite me everywhere he took his kids which was once in a blue moon he would take them out to over indulge them with shopping trips.
Its hard to believe much of what he has ever said to me…I feel like a fool..I am sure he has moved onto someone else and frankly I dont get why he has to keep coming back to contact me..I just need to find strength not to reply anymore…Just hurting right now…hard to know if any of this was real with him..
Thank you my Angel (recover).❤❤❤.
I am devastated from my break up with the “N”. I have no closure and feel like I have been emotionally abused. Long story short: I met him while I was on vacation. Things moved very fast, he introduced me to his mom, took me to school with him. He was charming and attractive and made me feel so comfortable. Before I returned home, we decided to try out this long distance relationship. We would Skype for hours and for two years I would go visit him every 1-2 months (he came here three times). We were always fighting since the beginning, he was controlling and jealous and always putting me down.. he wanted me to change this way and that way. He said he wanted me to be more “submissive”. A year into this relationship, I found out I had herpes. I had not slept with anyone without a condom for 2 years. I was so upset by this and a few days later, he proposed to me, totally unplanned in his kitchen with his grandmothers ring. After the herpes incident, I made him get tested each time before I saw him. Then a few months later of fighting almost everyday, he wanted some “time to think” and I found him on craigslist trying to meet up with some T. Then when I found out about it, we broke up and he had gone on a dating website. I was so hurt and I emailed him saying I was so hurt and we ended up getting back together (I was so blinded) and he said never bring up the craigslist incident again and lets move forward. Since then I had terrible issues with trust and I would look through his emails and facebook to catch him.. anxious all the time but he was working at building back the trust. Then a few months later I found condoms in his car. He had said it was the condoms they gave at the HIV clinic (since I asked him to get tested and he said it would look bad if he didn’t take the condoms for safe practice). I forgave that, then I looked in his car more and found more condoms and some spray in Japanese writing that said “pleasurable comfort”. I held this and was planning to break up with him by the end of the trip when I was going home. I drank one night and blew up on him in front of his friends… and so then I looked crazy. A few days after, he hit me in the car. I was so in shock I said drop me off and Im going to call the cops. He messaged me a couple of days later asking if I was okay. We began talking again, but he was blaming me for causing him so much anxiety because he thought I was going to call the cops, not apologizing for hitting me! It has always been about him in this relationship. I had been there when he had no job, no money, no direction in life, when he said there was something wrong with him mentally, I had stuck my him. Then when he found a new job, moved into a nice place and was graduating school, he said he didn’t need any negativity in his life, meaning me. Close to when he was graduating, I found that he was on a dating website. Meanwhile, he was talking to me about marriage and children and our future. I found this out and sent him a long message that I want him out of my life and he is not a good person. He didn’t reply. I had a trip booked there for his graduation. Being blinded again, I went there, hoping he would message me and we would meet up. He found out I was there and messaged me asking if I was there to stalk him… then sent me a long email saying he is so hurt by how I changed so fast.. turned so cold.. what does he expect from what he did to me?! He never apologized for going on the dating website but started blaming me for our break up, saying I wouldn’t let him break up with him?! but then saying he was going to give me the world and loved me and it was all my fault our relationship was ruined.. so conflicting. Being the bigger person, I sent him an email saying congratulations on graduating and he replied “I give you credit for supporting me” and then sent me a picture of him just to rub it in that he is at a great place in his life and doesn’t need me anymore. I still have his email password and I can see what these girls on the dating website are messaging him. I feel like I am going crazy..
Effing excellent post. You should write the Narcissist Survival Bible. Seriously, we all need a book we can curl up with and hilight and reread to remember..
And so I did.
I read this with such sadness…and enlightenment! All the experiences I have had with my partner are mirrored on these pages. The amazing beginning, full of hope and romance. His attention. Taking me to meet his family… And then this pattern of damaging behavior begins After the honeymoon period. ‘If you go and study in another country, I will leave you’. ‘If you find work here near my home I will leave you’. When I call him he doesn’t answer and later just says ‘I’m busy, and in my culture it’s rude to speak to someone when you are busy’. He will call and say ‘I really think we should break up this is not working’ then when he hears I am devastated he laughs and says ‘don’t be silly’. The mind games are driving me crazy. I just never knew what it was. But now I do. He is a narc. Thankyou for helping educate me.
Aunt Alex,
Effing awesome does not even describe how you nailed my ex-N boyfriend to a T. Love the blog, love the posts, love the strength you provide to all these innocent victims. Keep on keepin’ on!
My not-so-uncommon story: Met a guy (yes, it happens to us gays too) who swept me right off my feet last summer. He had a 4-year-old son, from a previous marriage who I got introduced to rather quickly (he had custody full-time.) The first few months were like marital bliss… I fell right in love. First date after-text: “I hope it’s not too early to say it… but I can see a future with us.”
Oh, how the romantic, TV movie dreams kicked in… but I should have known from the start. As early as our SECOND date, he was an hour late for reasons he hastily explained away but didn’t seem to make much sense. Throughout our relationship, 50% of our dates wound up canceled, moved, or shortened because of “his” time schedule. At first, whenever I questioned it, there were excuses. Later? It was MY fault for not scheduling dates closer to HIM so he wouldn’t have to go out of his way — and not see his child. Keep in mind we lived 35 minutes apart from each other; he didn’t live in Japan. He lived in New Jersey. I went to his place 90% of the time so he would never be away from Mr. Child. (Who is wonderful, by the way).
As for his child, in the last month of dating he got mad at me for because we had developed an extremely solid relationship. Yes, Aunt Alex, the following convo underneath actually happened…
Mr. N: “My son needs to be less excited when you come over. You’re interrupting his routine.”
Me (thinking yeah, of course he’s excited because I actually pay attention to the poor kid): “I’m sorry! I just really like your child and I’m so glad we’ve bonded. I enjoy the time we get to spend together, as a family just the three of us.”
Mr. N: “Well you’re paying too much attention to him and not enough attention to me. You need to play with (child) less when you’re here.”
Me: “OK… I thought I give you plenty of attention. I can try and work on being colder?? to (child)?”
Mr. N (and here comes that word shifting!!): “You pay me enough attention as is… I just think you don’t need to pay attention to my son as much anymore.”
Did that make any sense? In the course of two minutes? Oh yeah, right, it’s Mr. N. I actually googled “biological parents mad their new love interest has a great relationship with their child” … and I found nothing. Because THAT NEVER HAPPENS!
I could go on and on… you’ve heard the 50 other examples before. I kept reading your blog and going, “Holy ^&*^, it all makes so much sense now.” But Aunt Alex, here’s the BEST part and something I didn’t realize until after the breakup. Three months in, we went away, on a little excursion just the two of us. (Guess who organized it, scheduled it, and accommodated Mr. N’s every need? Man, am I kicking myself… and all my friends are kicking me. But that’s what therapy’s for, to kick this codependent part of me that kicked in… to the curb.) So we were on this “vacation” and an ex-boyfriend of his, from several years ago tries to connect through Facebook. Mr. N tells me about it, while we’re away and then sends a haughty message back (why even respond?) But the second he sent a message, that ex-boyfriend responds with the following…
“Well, I see just from your response, to a simple message asking if you’d like to be friends you’re just as narcissistic as you’ve always been. I was tired of dealing with your narcissism then and thank God I don’t have to deal with it anymore…” blah blah blah. I don’t remember the rest. But a former fool was TELLING me, right to my face what I was dealing with and I chose to ignore. That’s how sucked in we get.
The final straw, of course, is when I knew it needed to end because I put my needs out on the table… and he responded with a big fat ignore and “I need to go play some Wii.” So when I knew I was going to cut the cord, I checked the dating site where we first met… and voila! He was recently active, unhiding the profile the weekend of this last fight and had been answering messages the day before we broke up. NO DOUBT, had I not forced the trigger to be pulled he would have strung me along until getting “proper” attention from someone else.
Yes, it hurts and I’ll need some repair work. But your blog reminds me I’ll be fine, faster than I think. At least 7 months wasn’t 7 years. Thanks for the strength… I’ll be visiting to remind myself often! And to everyone else visiting … GOOD LUCK! We’re all going to be OK.
I’m trying to figure out if my partner of 4 years was indeed a narcissist, maybe some of you can give me insight.
He constantly showered me with gifts, we did everything together & we always said we loved each other throughout the whole day.
His personality traits include but not limited to – self critical about weight, getting older, name dropping, always talking about his past achievements, loved to get new things all the time, he helped me get my first car and credit card, he was often critical of celebrities but always loved the lifestyle of the rich and famous, he would always compare himself to his sibling who made great money.
He then decided to end the relationship, calling me unmotivated, complacent, that I didn’t support him and that we just had different goals in life. I felt some tension in the weeks leading up but thought he was having issues with his anxiety (which was almost every night that he couldn’t fall asleep unless he had a couple glasses of wine)
After the break up, he treated me cold. He proceeded to say “I guess I just fell out of love with you”… But he also said “it’s not just you, it’s me, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life”
So a lot of the traits point to narcissism but the part about him being loving and emotionally involved for 4 years is what throws me off considering it’s been said narcissist are emotionally unavailable.
I just feel blindsided and hurt by all of this… Especially considering he’s basically told me to fuck off and go my own way… Not what I expected considering how good our relationship was.
Advice anyone?
Plus, he has a history (at least the previous relationship) where he packed up everything and just left… Blaming his previous partner for being psycho, in love with him, etc.
So you’re seeing a trend? My ex too. His ex also told me about him being very warm and loving and then having a very sudden, ungracious exit from their relationship…to date me! I had no idea. Then he did the same to me. He was very loving, we were getting along well, then he acted weird for a few days and then it was like a light switch, he was suddenly over it, being unkind to me and told me he “wasn’t sure” he wanted things to work (then I found out he’d been flirting with another girl and seemed he was trying to begin dating her). I used the same word you used-“blindsided”-to describe how I felt in that situation. It took me months to get over, but I did, and you will too.
I think we’re getting stuck on titles. Who knows if your guy can fully be categorized as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (though some things you say sure make him sound a bit like it), it sounds like he had some traits of a narcissist or at the very least he’s someone who isn’t respectful enough to end a relationship with kindness.
It’s over, it’s difficult, and it’s especially hurtful that someone you loved and all that time with seemed to flip a switch and suddenly be over the relationship because it makes you wonder how much he really cared in the first place. Don’t overthink it. I made myself nuts doing that and I’m not any better for it, but maybe that was my process.
We’ll never fully understand another person’s thinking or motivation for doing things, but as much as you love someone, know that if he was willing to walk away from you in this unkind way, you should allow him to go. You can’t change it. Take what you learned from this relationship and move forward with your life. We only get one and you’d better not spend too much time thinking about someone who has moved on. You owe yourself more than that.
I’m happily on the other side of my gross breakup and still have a ton of questions-especially about incredibly contradictory behavior-but I stopped trying to get answers. We’re not always meant to understand. Here’s another link I found very helpful:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/
Best wishes and I hope you feel better with time.
Hi, I’ve been reading about narcissism for a while now but this is one of the most useful resources I’ve found. I think I have been in a relationship with a narcissistic man for two years now. I am 34, he is 27. Things were great the first six to eight months then slowly I noticed things that kept me off balance. Firstly he would call me names in front of our friends, criticise me and grab my body in public. When I mentioned I didn’t feel comfortable with this he said I was over sensitive and it was just part of his personality. Things escalated the next few months, he would give me the silent treatment for days at a time for little disagreements, the things that just blow over in other relationships.
Around 18 months into our relationship, he broke up with me. Left me in a bar (I thought he’d gone to the toilet), then texted me 20 minutes later to say he’d gone home and we were over. I never chased him. He sent me abusive texts a week later saying he couldn’t believe I hadn’t apologised for ‘my behaviour’. Our disagreement was over me asking if we could have a night out at my favourite restaurant the following week (he’d never taken me there in 18 months). It was the day after he was going out with his friends and all I said was maybe he could take it easy so we could go out the following night. I only said this because he always used to moan about doing two nights on the run. He said I was controlling and left me. His abusive texts, emails, stopping me in the street, etc went on for three weeks. I finally communicated with him via email saying how I’d let myself become a doormat doing everything in the relationship, forgot my needs, and that he never stepped up. I said when I began to realise this and express my needs the arguments started but neither of us understood them so everything spiralled out of control. He apologised, said he was controlling, angry and I deserved better. Said he would try harder and we got back together again.
The last six months has been constantly off and on. He split up with me again in December, and then we got back together. Since Christmas he has threatened to break up with me every week then finally did it last week, again over something trivial. Within two days he was ringing me saying he just had to get away. I explained to him how he uses breaking up as a game and I feel like a toy. It got to the point where if I asked a question, disagreed with something or asked him to do anything he would break up with me. He’s adamant he doesn’t, says I need to relax and let things happen. Anyway we said we’d give it another go. Saw each other Valentine’s Day (I had to meet him and his workmates to play pool before we did anything) and he broke up with me. This time it was because he’d said we’d spend the weekend together then announced he was out with his friends on the Sunday. I would have been happy to talk it through but he finished me point blank and has since fabricated a story that we agreed on it. He also keeps mentioning all the things he was planning for us since we split up – I don’t see the point it’s like dangling a carrot.
Most of our disagreements were about me wanting to spend more time together. He wouldn’t see me week nights just weekends. We worked close to each other so would see each other for about an hour at lunch a few days a week which he said was enough. He never seemed to have anything good to say about me, never wanted to do little things or please me. I’m a very caring person and used to do all kinds of thoughtful things for him. My biggest betrayal was when he was made redundant last year, I supported him through it and helped him get his dream job (he’s said to me I got him the job with the work I put into his presentation and drilling his questions). During that time we understandably put everything on hold – our first holiday, Christmas presents, etc. Within two days of him getting the job he went on a £1,000 holiday with his cousin. I was shattered. He eventually admitted it was selfish. Six months later he didn’t even get me a birthday present, was meant to meet me to take me shopping for something and an hour before we met said he wasn’t coming. He also used to get angry very easily, slams his fist on the table, throws his phone, punches walls. His language never felt right, he called me some terrible things and always used to say ‘my behaviour wasn’t good enough’. It was like he wanted everything on his terms.
I am so confused. I don’t know whether he’s narcissistic or not. I don’t know whether it’s me. Everyone tells me I deserve better. I don’t think he will come back this time but if he does I fear I won’t be able to resist him and the promises things will be different. What is wrong with me? My heart is shattered.
My N is the same exact way to the T! I have been on and off with mine for six years now and I don’t know why I continue I feel as if I’m waiting for a different result and it always ends up being the same as always. I am now at the point with the help of this site and researching narcissism that we are not the problem they are. Mine only sees me during the day for lunch for an hour or two and says it’s enough, our arguments are always based upon me wanting to spend more time with him, I used to walk on egg shells around him and was afraid to say how I felt bc he would just break up with me or give me the silent treatment for weeks and made me think everything was my fault. He goes in and out of love with me when he feels like it, tells me I deserve better but yet treats me terrible. Honestly like me we need to walk away bc it will never get better they live in their own worlds and feel no pain, no regret, no remorse nothing they are emotionless. Mine constantly throws himself into hobby after hobby and has to be the best at everything puts me down all the time and insults me just to make himself feel better. They don’t deserve us! Be strong and be smart bc in the end they only care about one thing which is themselves. Hugs
Thank you for your reply Tara. I’m sorry to hear you have experienced the same things. I can’t believe it’s so common. The treatment you’ve had sounds exactly like what I’ve been through. Mine also used to have nothing good to say about me. He would say I worked too hard, went the gym too much and one of his last comments was that I’m ‘too intense’ about everything because I give everything I do 100% effort. Just because he was lazy and spent every night on a computer game or sleeping then I was wrong…I never criticised his choice of how he spent his time. He hates anything that is different to him or what he knows. He also used to say I was ‘the most wasteful person he knew’ because I chose to spend my own money on getting my nails done occasionally yet he could go to football matches at the drop of a hat – twice the price of my nails. Towards the end I constantly had a knot in my stomach and it took me a while to realise it was the situation with him that was causing it. You’re absolutely right about them being emotionless although I think deep down they are really unhappy with themselves and use people who do feel to feed off. Good luck with your situation, I hope you can stay strong too.
Oh love. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I wish I could reach in and tattoo this onto your brain. Think about what you’re telling us. Does this all sound normal to you? When the things you’re describing happen, do you feel it’s normal? I think if you’re honest with yourself, it’s a resounding NO, and the only reason you’re even asking other people is to try to convince yourself you’re not nuts for feeling this way, or-God forbid-you’re hoping someone makes excuses for this very damaged man you’re dating.
So much of what you wrote reminds me of a few of my past relationships:
-Having this guy tell you you’re being demanding for asking for very simple things.
-Having this guy blame you for “provoking” his bad and UNREASONABLE behavior.
-Him doing whatever he wants then admitting later, after you’ve built a case, that what he did was wrong. What, he didn’t have enough reasoning to do that himself without your prompting? How does that look in the future?
-And finally, him REWRITING history. The part about him saying you both “agreed” to a breakup when you didn’t see it that way really irked me because I have an ex like that. He made me feel insane. He’d do horrible things then justify his behavior in ridiculous ways in which it was clear he was lying and even contradicting himself.
Even after we broke up, I tried and tried to talk to him just to clear things up and at least attempt to be friends, but to no avail. Ever heard the expression “you can’t reason with crazy?” I’m not making light of mental illness, it’s just a saying that means that if someone is coming from a really twisted place, don’t try to reason with them. It’s like trying to speak Greek to a Frenchman.
Also, please google gaslighting because I’m seeing some of this going on in your story.
Regardless of whether your guy can be classified as a full on narcissist or not, it doesn’t matter. He’s just not being that nice, sweety. And before you start listing the times he did that one nice thing or that other nice thing, listen to what I’m saying. No, he’s not a dick all the time but he is one enough that it sounds like it’s a problem. My ex was my friend and acted like an angel for so long that when he finally got me to start dating him after 6 months of him pursuing me, I thought that with our great friendship and all his promises, we were going to ride off into the sunset. I thought I’d met “the one.” Then the insanity started. The lies, his ex telling me about his manipulative, misleading and insanely SELFISH behavior (i learned he dumped her two days before he started dating me, and I hadn’t even known they were still together) and then I experienced it myself.
GET. OUT. NOW.
I know that when you’re in a place when you’re not ready to let go of someone, nothing can help, but I will say this anyway:
You deserve better.
There is a man out there who will value your feelings and listen to you and not make you feel insane for asking for normal things and he will go out of his way to make you happy. You are cheating yourself by staying with this guy.
The times he’s kind are not enough to negate the doubt and pain that would cause you to message a bunch of strangers about the problems with him (not dissing this board, it’s been very helpful and these ladies helped me move on from some serious insanity, but let’s face it we came here because things got rough).
Leave him. Unless he has a major awakening (and that happens very seldom), this does not get better. You’re not feeling good because THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!! Also, I’m sure you’ve dated other people. Remember how you thought they were right for you and how you feel about them now? It’ll happen with this guy too. You will be able to move on. Just know that you deserve happiness and sometimes you have to fight like hell to get it. Be your own advocate. You owe it to yourself. Treat yourself with kindness and leave this man. It will hurt, it will be hard, but leave before he does any further damage. So many women on this board have been there and you’ll see, many moved on and are happier for it. It takes time. Be well and I hope you listen to at least some of what I’m saying.
Thank you Journogirl. No it doesn’t sound normal to me at all. The times he’s been verbally abusive or raged at me it’s taken me aback and I started to deal with it through deep breathing – it feels very wrong. I’m very strong and independent so it shocks me that I’ve found myself in this situation. I have no idea why I’ve taken this much, I love too deep I often think. I understand what you mean about reasoning with him…he would often keep me up late talking incessantly but keep going round in circles so there was never any resolution, I only stayed because I’m used to talking and there being a resolution. Thank you for the tips about gaslighting – I started researching this a few months ago the first time he broke up with me as I’d started feeling off balance permanently.
Like you say, I think it’s the selfishness that is so incredibly hard to deal with. I’m a giving person and could never understand why he would want to not respond to my needs even when they were so simple as spending time together, things that were well within his control. It’s like he wanted me to feel bad.
Since my original post, he has started ‘hoovering’ (something I’ve read about in my research). It completely knocked me for six because I thought he was gone for good. At the weekend there was a big family event we were meant to attend together – his brother’s engagement party. I’d been looking forward to it but given we’d split up the week previous I knew I’d no longer be going so to stop me feeling down in the dumps I planned a whole day of activities for myself. Well, the afternoon of theparty he texted me saying ‘I so wish you were coming today x’ – the first contact since our nasty breakup. I didn’t reply. He called. I didn’t answer. He Facebook messaged me. I didn’t reply. He called again. I didn’t answer. The gist of his messages was basically that the day of celebrations felt horrible without me there and would I go to the party even just as friends. I gave in to no contact and said no I wouldn’t be going. He broke up with me a week ago, it ended nastily and we haven’t spoken since. He then wants me to go to a family party without anything in between – completely nonsensical. His plan apparently was that given he was already in the place where the party was happening (a different city to where we both live), that I should go to his house where his mum’s partner was and go with him to meet my ex at the party…still no respect even at this stage. Even after me saying no three times, he carried on…another missed call, more texts as to how upset he was, how he still loved me and missed me. I haven’t replied since. It’s like the crazy making was continuing even though we weren’t together. I doubt his feelings were real.
Thank you so much for your kind comments and advice – they were the first thing I read on waking up this morning and they re-motivated me for the day, I’ve had a good day. I have listened to all of what you say. It’s only under two weeks in but already I am starting to feel stronger. I’m sorry to hear you have also had to endure a similar situation, you sound so strong and I hope I can get to that point too shortly.
I’m glad you’re feeling good already! And yes, hovering is VERY common. They do that. As soon as these types feel you’re pulling away and they’re losing power, they want to make sure to pull you back in. It’s like a game. It’s another power play. Unfortunately, often after you’ve forgiven them, they have the ego boost they need and go back to ignoring you or behaving badly.
You are right, if your ex is not even respectful enough to have an adult conversation with you about the nasty breakup and instead was trying to get you to go to a party with him; that says a lot. Why does he think the relationship should be on his terms? I’ve dated people who were the same. They were pros at brushing things under the rug. I wanted to scream sometimes “do you think that if you pretend nothing happened, I’ll forget????!” Read this link, it really put things into perspective:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-someone-keeps-presses-the-reset-button-on-your-relationship/
A person cannot treat you badly in a breakup and then try to move forward later as a friend or lover with no real conversation. And I mean CONVERSATION, not the talking in circles they do to make you feel crazy and tire you out so much that you give up 😉 They’ll try to say you’re “dwelling” on things, but without fully clearing everything up and both of you discussing what happened, how can you move on-however that looks- in a healthy way?
If you had gone to that party, you would have felt cheated. There was an elephant in the room. He would have been fine and you would have been suffering under the weight of all that was unsaid. Someone who cares way more about what he wants than he does about giving you a safe space in which to express your feelings is not the kind of man you want.
Some guys simply do have NPD. Others know they’re behaving badly, but the excuses are because it’s too difficult for them to admit guilt. It’s easier to deny the behavior and pretend we’re over-reacting than it is to admit their bad behavior, because that makes it real. Suddenly there’s a spotlight on it, and that level of introspection is just too scary for some blokes. If you acknowledge what you’re doing isn’t cool, you may have to stop. Or worse, you may have to start thinking about WHY you’re doing it. Best to just pretend it didn’t happen or pretend that the person you hurt is overly sensitive.
A good healing tool for closure on all this? Write a letter to your ex and don’t send it.
In the end, I realized that I’d never be able to talk to mine about a lot of things that happened between us without him interrupting me, rationalizing, contradicting himself, flat out lying, or rewriting history as though I’d suddenly gotten amnesia, so I wrote him a very long letter.
Not so deep down, I had thought that if I could get him to SEE how he’d treated me and see why his behavior was unfair he’d have an awakening and change or at least finally be sorry. If he could see why it was all wrong, he wouldn’t do it again and he’d be fixed (and we could live happily ever after). I was being stubborn and wanted to be “heard.”
Instead, the letter showed me how damaged and damagING this person was. -How mentally abusive he was for making me doubt my perceptions of situations. (Like you, I’m a pretty tough girl and was embarrassed I had put up with so much nonsense. I felt stupid and weak)
-How he made me feel like I was being demanding or crazy over very reasonable requests.
-How selfish he was for the way he treated me and his ex before me.
-How bad he made me feel when he suggested I’d done things to cause him to think we should break up (and the list was ridiculous) when actually, I found out later that as early as May, he was asking another woman to accompany him on a summer trip he was meant to take with me. He knew I’d be out of the picture by then.
Seeing on paper all the times he had just been unfair to me even during the “good” times gave me the closure I never got with the running-in-circles nonsensical conversations I had with him. It allowed me to see him for who he truly is. When all the incidents and my feelings about them were all there in front of me in black and white, I couldn’t keep convincing myself that this person had my best interests at heart or that he was capable of being the man I need in my life. I edited and edited the letter, I told him it existed, then I decided not to send it. I had made peace with the situation, and I realized he’d never say anything to make me feel better. He just wasn’t in a place where he could acknowledge his behavior, and I needed to accept that.
He tried to be in touch a few more times and I ignored him for two months. I finally felt FREE of him and it felt great (there was a very dorky car ride in which I was grinning and shouting along to Katy Perry’s “Roar,” please don’t judge me). I felt I was leaving an abusive relationship.
Recently, we’ve been in touch a few times, but I have decided to go back to dead air. Too much has happened, and it’s all still too raw.
Thanks for saying I sound strong. I feel strong, but being out of touch is sometimes difficult, I still miss him often (and even that version of him was when he was trying to get me to like him). I just know there has to be something better out there.
Forgive your ex. I don’t think mine is a “bad” person, I just think he’s an incredibly disordered person, and he uses women. He’s apologized a lot for everything, but it just doesn’t feel sincere. Things he did followed too much of a pattern, they were too contrived, and too obviously lacking consideration for me to believe he’s really sorry. This is why I feel he’s a narcissist. And like a child, he does what he wants and doesn’t understand (or refuses to acknowledge) the consequences of his actions. Then he simply apologizes to fix the mess. That type of person is very dangerous.
Try not to hate your ex. Think about the good things about him, the things you learned from the relationship (read: the things you saw you don’t want in a relationship and will never tolerate in the future), send him love, and move forward. Bitterness isn’t good for anyone, but I’m happy to say you don’t sound bitter, just sad. That will pass.
Karen Salmansohn has a very simple practice that works brilliantly: Every time you start obsessing over what went wrong or thinking about your ex in general, interrupt yourself and think one word: FORWARD. Then redirect your thoughts. It’s about disciplining your mind so you don’t go down the rabbithole of sadness/depression over the breakup. It works.
Best wishes, Champion. There is power in names, and “Devastated” doesn’t work anymore. You will be a champion for yourself and you will fight for your happiness, even if it means fighting yourself to not call this guy back! ;-)) Be well.
Sorry for my delay in replying Journogirl, had a bad couple of days. I can’t thank you enough for your reply…I started crying the first time I read it (in a good way!) and can’t tell you how many times I’ve read it.
Everything you say feels true. Regarding the party, I felt back to myself having not going, like I’d almost started to take a stand. I think you’re right about the letter, I might work up to it in the next few days. In the past, I’ve written him so many letters every time he’s disregarded me, sometimes writing things down works better for me than talking. I totally understand what you mean about making peace with the situation that you eventually don’t feel like there’s any reason to send it.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads at the moment. While my ex isn’t contacting me, I feel good, back to myself, like a ‘champion’, but he’s started to contact me. After last week’s attempt to get me to the party, a week of no contact went by. On Friday evening I had a text from him saying he thought I’d be out that night for drinks (we used to work together before we both moved jobs and our old team had a bit of a reunion – I didn’t go because I knew he’d be there). Anyway, I didn’t reply. Last night I had another text from him asking if I wanted to go round to his house to talk (more disrespect i.e. me run round to his house while he sits there like a king, even though he ended it). When I asked why he said he still loved me and missed me, and wanted to see if there was any middle ground. I didn’t reply. Another text just now asking if there’s anything I want to say to his last message. There’s so much I want to say regarding how disrespected I feel, at the same time as I don’t want contact, at the same time as I can feel myself weakening.
I’m glad you don’t think I sound bitter because I’m not, I just feel sorry for him because he seems so locked within himself. I am sad though. I’m trying to focus on what you said initially about fighting hard to find your happiness and looking at this recent contact as a hurdle to get over. I’ve said ‘FORWARD’ to myself every time he’s entered my head this week…it works. As for Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’, I smiled when I read this as every time I’ve heard that the last couple of months I’ve designated it my theme tune for my situation! Thanks Journogirl, you’ve been inspiring
Sounds like he’s a narc or psychopath to me. When a person cares about you they go out of their way to understand you and try to ease your discomfort or hurt. They don’t make your pain worse unless they derive pleasure from seeing you distressed. N/S/P derive pleasure in watching you in distress because it fuels their ego to know that they have the power to break you. Healthy people would never feel happy watching you suffer. Narcs do this because they self-loath and they want you to feel the pain that they feel, but never admit to. They also suffer from boredom (because they are empty vessels) and need the drama. The push-pull they do is a way to keep you mentally engaged all of the time while lowering your expectations and conditioning you to except less and less while craving more. It’s all a game and the bottom line is that he does not care about you. Don’t take it personally because he doesn’t care about anyone. He lacks empathy because he can’t feel! What advice would you give to a friend? Be that friend to yourself. Embark on a path of self love and very soon you will wonder what you ever saw in him.
Well,it looks all ok
Excuse my bad english-it’s not my main language:)
That site is very,very helpfull and I love the way Auntie Alex develop her thoughts with humour and strength.Love that.We should help each-other as much as possible! We need to know we aren’t crazy. I had experience with a NPD guy – I will share what I have learnt from that as my own lessons,but there is smth what kinda bothers me lol. My own reaction to the break up with him. I am still exploring it,bc it was not the same what all other victims here share.I had long time of struggle around “he will change,he will evolve””he could be…””if I did all possible to help him understand and do what he promise he want to do?””it’s not possible he to feel NOTHING-he is a human being and the man I love!”. Then after almost 3 years of abuse and realizing who he really is on my own,once there was the last drop which overfilled the glass of my patience. He did one of his “I see I’ve hurted you / cos I cried it out loud/,but you have to understand how much busy I am at work and I just have no time to fix our relation. But once I get my shit together-I will win you back” I got alot of time -almost 2 weeks without him and just some random calls and mails,and I thought alot,trying to figure out what I am thru. I wrote to my journal and also some mails to him in them I pointed what I thought is going on,that I sense the abuse,the devaluing me and of course how hurt I am, how his acts don’t correspond with his words. I am a lawyer myself and I guess I have taugh the proofs and expressed them well,so was almost no room for editing the truth from him and also almost none option for denials as I pointed just few things of our mails and things he wrote. Verba volant-scripta manent lol. So,he did the only he could do in that moment to avoid the total unveiling him-he said he is sooooooo busy that he can’t even read what I wrote to him,and of course I can’t blame him for not replying smth he didn’t even read,and how I can be such not-understanding bitch and do not see he is busy! / he is maintaining a relation with one of the women he did cheat me /That he is busy. It last for 2 weeks repetitive e-mails and texts “Busy,can’t read,but will and reply.Promise!”,him waiting and hoping the peptide addiction will “calm me down”and me to damn forget what I am talking about and the bad bad intention to leave him. In order to get that he kept bombing me with love. Then,when I got one more of these “love you so much”out of any topic,while I was trying to explain my leaving him…,I felt sick -litteraly sick. I did throw the phone aside and I ran to the toilet and I did vomit-in real.Throw up like I was poisoned.And after that washed myself all,like I was going outta jail,outta nasty dirty dungeon. And felt clean and free. Suddenly and just like that I went NC by myself-bc I couldn’t stand to hear from him once more. Just left and needed to heal,to clean myself more than to heal. Felt more dirty, than wounded. There were 3 weeks NC from me and I don’t feel a need to contact him-not missing him really.Bc his calls annoy me even not answering them-I installed application to my smartphone to reject them. He didn’t stop.Then I made settings the app to answer the call and to hang up in 3 seconds. Enough to make him a good phone bill-hope it will make him give up of dialing my number:))/we are now to different countries,so it’s international call lol/.To my mail-box I made setting to auto-reply his mails with: “That message was marked as spam and sent to Yahoo for investigation”
I did read alot to that site,also other articles about the NPD and refreshed the things I knew about these things before.I have some special education on criminal psychology and I hard tried to explain to myself my victim behavior during this time with him. I did read the posts here-seen the same pain,hurt,devaluing,lossing integrity and identidy I was going thru.I still hope I was lucky enough and I got more dirt on me,but escaped before real deep damage. Before to hate ayone and everyone and to lose my ability to give love at all. The cognitive disfunction ringed my bells as I am used to trust what I see and evidences-I have worked as prosecutor long time. It was smth I couldn’t get along with really and it was the pinch to awake me. I digged and digged and I noticed here the reactions of the “fresh”victims-these with short time of NC and bad grieving still. The focus is still on HIM.If he feels something,if I mean smth to HIM,if HE is happy without me. The focus is still on him. The focus must be YOU,amazing girl,able to give love and attention.It matters if he means smth for YOU and the goal is the answer to be: no. That we have to ask ourselves: what he mean for ME.When the answer here is : nothing anymore,then we will be able to accept that we didn’t mean anything to these narc. It’s hard I know,allthough I found an interesting trick to accept that the PRETEND guy doesn’t exist. I tried to explain to myself the situation I was in and how I fooled myself and what I would look for now. Seen here the narc is called a dream and a nightmare. He is not a nightmare-he is only a dream and that was my “cure” The relationship I had with my narc I imagined as having all I ever wished for,having the prince in my arms,kissing him and all is a fairy tale with one little exception-smth stink into my prince mouth,but my generous love will deal with that. Then at one moment I wake up still kissing the prince and I found myself I was dreaming and in my dream I was kissing passionate the ass of the family dog. The stinking is explained. I realized the dream was great,but anyway I was all time kissing the dog butthole. Plain truth:) I went to wash myself out and honestly,don’t intend to dig into dog’s butt to check if prince is there. It was the dogg ass all all time. Isn’t it? That’s the right way to think. Want to go back to him – it was a dream and the only reallity you have to deal with is to kiss the dog ass again. It won’t spawn a prince IMO. I just burned the bridges suddenly and I feel released. Don’t miss the dog butt at all-lucky me,really!
It helped me,hope that understanding of the real meaning of the situation will help to others too. We had not relations with the N-we were sleeping and dreaming that. And in our dream we adored the dog’s ass like a prince of the tales. We were dreaming and the awakening is nasty,the facing truth is nasty and painfull,but I doubt anyone who ever reached that understanding of the reality,would go back in the dream on that price.
Hugz
The stories and comments I have read here have given me insight into what has happened to me and I’m not out of the woods, I have seen her (yes my N is a woman) as recently as day before yesterday.
Here are some things about me and about my experience with my N.
-I was married to a woman with NPD for 20 years. She was very angry, verbally abusive, and ultimately physically abusive. She collected all my personal information and would later use it against me, I lost all my friends, started drinking, my life fell apart, etc. I divorced because I did not want my 2 children to continue to be harmed by her 24/7, at least when they were with me they would be treated well.
-For 3 years after my marriage ended, I did not date, although my ex-wife continued to torment me and used the kids all the time to get to me and make me feel awful. I went into deep depression, and got on medication after losing two jobs.
-Then I met a young, beautiful, charismatic, seductive woman who said her husband didn’t like her or her body and was always putting her down. They had talked about divorce, when not if, before I met her. I had hired my N to do some work with me, organize my storage unit, which took about 8 hours. By the time we were done organizing, I had asked her out for coffee and asked if we could chat on Facebook. She said yes. The same evening we parted from the storage unit, we were already chatting late into the night. Two days later we were both declaring “You’re the one…maybe…”. Two days after that we had sex for the first of what would be over 1,000 times in 2 ½ years. I got so addicted to sex with her it was insane. She never denied me. We never argued, not once. We bought each other things. We were very affectionate, kissing and hugging nearly all the time. We didn’t do much else together besides the sex, kissing and hugging.
-The first Red Flag which I missed was when she went away for 4 days on Labor Day. When she left, I felt completely abandoned like I’d never felt. It was like she had pulled the plug on our relationship. I plummeted into a void, feeling incredible abandonment. It was nearly psychotic, I didn’t know what was happening. It was such a strange and irrational feeling of fear and complete abandonment. I pleaded with my N to come home a day early, which she did. INSTANTLY, when she was back home, all the fog/fear/feelings of abandonment VANISHED!! Very bizarre I thought to myself, what happened to me??? She just went away for a long weekend.
-We broke up every 4-6 months. She would break up with me for reasons I thought were not sufficient to cause a breakup. Each time I would plead with her to get back together. While we were broken up, I was plummeted again in the dark void, totally lost, feeling abandoned, thinking this must mean we’re supposed to be together, look how I can’t live without her..
-My N repeatedly showed no empathy, in fact it seemed like she had none at all. Her small son was exhibiting the same lack of empathy. In the entire 2 ½ years, I never heard my N ask anyone a caring question about what they thought or felt or were doing. She only talked about herself for the most part. She one-upped in conversation, she has no true long-term friends, not one.
-Why did I continue to stay with someone like her? Finally, last December I decided to break up with her, so I did. Between Dec 21, 2013 and February 10, 2014 we broke up and made up another 10 times. I told her I wanted to marry her and be together forever, she said we could do that in time.
-After one breakup in January 2014, I started researching NPD and putting the pieces together. When I realized that she wasn’t capable of actually loving me, I nearly threw up. I became very fearful of seeing her, terrified as just seeing her could trigger a terrible experience of trauma to think I’d been hoodwinked about her every loving me, my soul-mate was a soul-consuming succubus. I keep thinking of the tale of Dracula, but in female form. She bit me, now feeds upon me and I’m helpless to deny her. Very strong pull to get back with her. Even today I waved at her as she drove by in her truck, elated to see her. We have been broken up completely since Feb 10th, but I’ve told her numerous times I want her back. I was trying to do NO CONTACT a couple weeks ago and it was helping me feel a lot better. Then one day she texted me “Hi how’s it going” out of the blue. I went into a tailspin for days, pining over her, even though I know she has NPD and it’s very very bad for me to be near her, some self-destructive part of me wants her back terribly. I told her off, very critically, about everything, her selfishness and self-centeredness, about how high-schoolish she is always posting new profile pics on fb to elicit praise of her vast beauty, liking her own fb comments and posts. I told her she has NPD because of her childhood trauma, as she was abandoned by her father at 5 years old, and raised by what I think is a mom with NPD. I told her I would stand by her if she would go to therapy for her disorder as a condition of us getting back together. But I also hoped my critical texts would alienate her from me and she’d leave me alone finally. It’s kind of working, she’s shook up and worried I will broadcast to everyone that she’s severely Narcissistic, and she de-friended my from Facebook. Late at night, if I’ve been drinking, I still text her “I love you, please come back”, it’s my subconscious mind I think, that grabs the phone and reaches out to my N, the Succubus, pleading for her to summons me once again, then we’ll be back together…
-I’ve been seeing a new woman recently, she doesn’t know about my late night drunken pleading via text. I’ve warned my new friend that I’m on the rebound and actually terrified of getting involved with another woman with NPD, having spent nearly 30 years in NPD-Codependent relationships. I would love some feedback.
Hello Nansee.
You see I’m so confused by your “self-loath” statement. How is it their incapable of feeling but yet you said something along the lines they want you to feel how they felt……. How so?…. They can’t feel.
They feel inferior, but they put on a grandiose persona. A narcissist wants to drag you down to their level. They want you to feel as badly about yourself, as they feel about themselves. This is why they mind-bend or gaslight you, so that you will feel crazy and lose your self esteem. Narcissists vampire the light inside of you. They need it to survive because they have no light of their own. They drain you of your life force, happiness, confidence etc. and then kick you to the curb. You see, a narcissus self hates so much that they believe anyone who loves them must be lower than low and unworthy because they love them. They ask why would anyone of worth be attracted to me because I am such a loser. A relationship with a narcissist is a no win situation. They hate you because you love them and they will hurt you and enjoy it because they lack empathy. They don’t feel. When a narc says I love you what he means is, I love how you love me. They love from the outside in, not the inside out. I hope that explains things a bit better.
Thank you Nansee for that I really needed to hear that today, and you gave me a lot of insight much appreciated. Because I’ve been feeling really down and worthless lately bc of my N. So thank you
Tara – You are feeling worthless because the N turned you inside out. Narc’s use a form of mind control to make you desperate for them. They began the relationship adoring you and then slowly things changed. They employed the tactic of pulling away and then returning, just in time, relieving your pain. After every return they give you a little less, but that’s ok because you are so grateful that he’s back and you take the crumbs. After every pull away, you take less and less crumbs even though you hate yourself for being reduced to such pathetic behavior. The N does this to manage your expectations. He is training you to take less from him, so that he can be free to betray, lie and manipulate. He knows that you will take him back after he gives you some lame excuse. He knows that he has you in a trap. He is the spider and you are an insect caught in the web. Spiders never get caught in their own webs. The N will delight in watching you squirm. He knows there is no escape. The reason we stay even though we are being tortured is due to cognitive dissonance. This is mind control and it creates the brain to go back and forth, from love to hate and it’s the reason why we hang on to the N even though we feel so badly about ourselves (for accepting such bad treatment.) Please research cognitive dissonance so that you can understand why you are feeling the things that you are feeling. Psychopathfree.com is a wonderful resource. Whenever I started to lose it, I would go there and read and read. You have to become an expert on N’s and P’s in order to heal. The second step is to own your part. What core wound have you been holding on to that let you become entangled with such a man? The final stage is to resolve that we chose these men so that we would learn more about ourselves and grow in peace and love. I am 10 month’s out of my relationship and I am so much stronger and happier than ever! I surrender to each day and blessings are arriving. I am so grateful that I am free!
Thank you so much I am just recently out and everyday is a struggle. I am Definitely going to look into that site and your words are a God sent thank you so much and I hope to be free from this horrible feeling that I constantly have and be able to live a happy n free life. And I do need to find the core as to why I go to these men this is my second one back to back but this one hurts the most. Ur words made me feel like there is hope.
Really great perspective, Nansee. Thanks for your post!
This is great everyone – From Psychopathfree on Facebook!
To a psychopath’s target, the sudden breakup seems to come out of nowhere. But to the psychopath, this moment has been carefully planned for quite some time. They’ve been spreading lies & gossip about you, quietly convincing others that you’re unstable and ruining the relationship. They use this story to groom the next victim and distract friends from their obvious cheating. You will find yourself replaced in a matter of days, watching as their “perfect” life unfolds with someone else. While you were running around desperately trying to repair things, they were already starting up another relationship. And instead of breaking up with you like a normal human being, they strung you along until the bitter end. They deemed you “crazy” and “jealous”, gleefully eroding your entire identity as they pranced off with someone else. Psychopaths don’t just break up with their targets – they use it as an opportunity to watch you self destruct: physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Wow wow wow. Sorry, I had to write back again. It’s funny. Just tonight, one of my ex’s friends asked me about him (he’s long since left town) and I told her I choose not to speak much anymore about him, but that I didn’t think he’d always had good intentions. I immediately felt guilty for even saying that little bit about him. I didn’t want to feel like I was the bitter woman trash-talking him.
Sometimes I’ve thought I was insane and maybe paranoid or being too hard on him and maybe he didn’t have bad intentions and was just “confused” (last time I saw him he was very good at manipulating me and even said he still loved me), but you just described pretty specifically what my ex did to me and the woman before me. It’s hard to believe that kind of pattern is unintentional.
Nansee, thank you SOOOOO MUCH. The fact that this is indeed the behavior of sick men reminds me why I’m better off without my ex and why I need to avoid the “friendship” he pretends to desperately want (until I try to keep in touch, then it seems he’s happy to ignore me). I will stay in no contact with this twisted individual. I wish him well, but he can stay far far away from me. I think the post from you was a Godsend. I often try to give my ex the benefit of the doubt, but he clearly doesn’t deserve it. You don’t even know him and you wrote as though you’d been in his mind, so for me, that is evidence this kind of man is indeed a type of sick and depraved person who will follow this twisted pattern.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Love and blessings to you. And I just want to say again how much I appreciate this little cyber community of women who are on their paths to freedom from these parasites. I don’t know any of you and couldn’t point you out on the street, but you’ve been such a help. I’m SOOOOO glad to be on the other side of this, and to you girls just coming out of these situations, I promise you it gets better. There are better men out there, and I can’t wait to find mine. As someone said earlier, I also encourage all of you to examine why you would allow someone to mistreat you this way. We all have our issues, ladies, use these situations to examine yours and make sure you don’t follow the same patterns in the future.
Love to you, Nansee.
Journogirl you are soooo welcome! We are here for each other and we need each other because people who have not gone trough “it” cannot understand our suffering. In fact, advice from people who don’t understand our plight can further our crazy making. They want us to just, “get over it!” They don’t understand why we can’t. So, I send you a huge hug and just know that I am in total support of you. I am walking this path with you. I am so happy to share all that I have learned to help you. Helping you helps me. I am a lot better and healthier, but not fully recovered. So, me helping you, is a blessing to me! xo
The stories and comments I have read here have given me insight into what has happened to me and I’m not out of the woods, I have seen her (yes my N is a woman) as recently as day before yesterday.
Here are some things about me and about my experience with my N.
-Background: I was married to a woman with NPD for 20 years. She was very angry, verbally abusive, and ultimately physically abusive. She collected all my personal information and would later use it against me, I lost all my friends, started drinking, my life fell apart, etc. I divorced because I did not want my 2 children to continue to be harmed by her 24/7, at least when they were with me they would be treated well.
-For 3 years after my marriage ended, I did not date, although my ex-wife continued to torment me and used the kids all the time to get to me and make me feel awful. I went into deep depression, and got on medication after losing two jobs.
-Then I met a young, beautiful, charismatic, seductive woman who said her husband didn’t like her or her body and was always putting her down. They had talked about divorce, when not if, before I met her. I had hired her, my N, to do some work with me, organize my storage unit, which took about 8 hours. By the time we were done organizing, I had asked her out for coffee and asked if we could chat on Facebook. She said yes. The same evening we parted from the storage unit, we were already chatting late into the night. Two days later we were both declaring “You’re the one…maybe…”. Two days after that we had sex for the first of what would be over 1,000 times in 2 ½ years. I got so addicted to sex with her it was insane. She never denied me. We never argued, not once. We bought each other things. We were very affectionate, kissing and hugging nearly all the time. We didn’t do much else together besides the sex, kissing and hugging.
-The first Red Flag which I missed was when she went away for 4 days on Labor Day. When she left, I felt completely abandoned like I’d never felt. It was like she had pulled the plug on our relationship. I plummeted into a void, feeling incredible abandonment. It was nearly psychotic, I didn’t know what was happening. It was such a strange and irrational feeling of fear and complete abandonment. I pleaded with my N to come home a day early, which she did. INSTANTLY, when she was back home, all the fog/fear/feelings of abandonment VANISHED!! Very bizarre I thought to myself, what happened to me??? She just went away for a long weekend.
-We broke up every 4-6 months. She would break up with me for reasons I thought were not sufficient to cause a breakup. Each time I would plead with her to get back together. While we were broken up, I was plummeted again in the dark void, totally lost, feeling abandoned, thinking this must mean we’re supposed to be together, look how I can’t live without her..
-My N repeatedly showed no empathy, in fact it seemed like she had none at all. Her small son was exhibiting the same lack of empathy. In the entire 2 ½ years, I never heard my N ask anyone a caring question about what they thought or felt or were doing. She only talked about herself for the most part. She one-upped in conversation, she has no true long-term friends, not one.
-Why did I continue to stay with someone like her? Finally, last December I decided to break up with her, so I did. Between Dec 21, 2013 and February 10, 2014 we broke up and made up another 10 times. I told her I wanted to marry her and be together forever, she said we could do that in time.
-After one breakup in January 2014, I started researching NPD and putting the pieces together. When I realized that she wasn’t capable of actually loving me, I nearly threw up. I became very fearful of seeing her, terrified as just seeing her could trigger a terrible experience of trauma to think I’d been hoodwinked about her every loving me, my soul-mate was a soul-consuming succubus. I keep thinking of the tale of Dracula, but in female form. She bit me, now feeds upon me and I’m helpless to deny her. Very strong pull to get back with her. Even today I waved at her as she drove by in her truck, elated to see her. We have been broken up completely since Feb 10th, but I’ve told her numerous times I want her back. I was trying to do NO CONTACT a couple weeks ago and it was helping me feel a lot better. Then one day she texted me “Hi how’s it going” out of the blue. I went into a tailspin for days, pining over her, even though I know she has NPD and it’s very very bad for me to be near her, some self-destructive part of me wants her back terribly. I told her off, very critically, about everything, her selfishness and self-centeredness, about how high-schoolish she is always posting new profile pics on fb to elicit praise of her vast beauty, liking her own fb comments and posts. I told her she has NPD because of her childhood trauma, as she was abandoned by her father at 5 years old, and raised by what I think is a mom with NPD. I told her I would stand by her if she would go to therapy for her disorder as a condition of us getting back together. But I also hoped my critical texts would alienate her from me and she’d leave me alone finally. It’s kind of working, she’s shook up and worried I will broadcast to everyone that she’s severely Narcissistic, and she de-friended my from Facebook. Late at night, if I’ve been drinking, I still text her “I love you, please come back”, it’s my subconscious mind I think, that grabs the phone and reaches out to my N, the Succubus, pleading for her to summons me once again, then we’ll be back together…
-I’ve been seeing a new woman recently, she doesn’t know about my late night drunken pleading via text. I’ve warned my new friend that I’m on the rebound and actually terrified of getting involved with another woman with NPD, having spent nearly 30 years in NPD-Codependent relationships. I would love some feedback.
Wow, who knew there were so many of us?
I filed for divorce, after 22 years together, from my Narc (he actually received the diagnosis from our marriage counselor last year) who was also diagnosed with Asperger’s, Bipolar Disorder (hid this one from me for the duration of our marriage) Depression and Anxiety Disorder.
I’ve given up a lot to divorce him, the single most important things were my kids, him having groomed them starting long ago to hate me, thus assuring them taking his side in the divorce. I’ve not spoken to any of them since before Christmas as they now refuse contact. He’s convinced them it’s ME who is the Narc. ME! The one who took care of them when they were sick, cried with them when they had their hearts broken by a girl, the one who was told by every single one of them they knew I was the parent they could count on, while they also knew their dad couldn’t be counted on. ME! I’M the Narc, according to them and their dad (they’re all adults, now). I had close relationships with all my boys right up to about six or seven months ago (he was planning to divorce me but was still livid when I surprised him with the divorce, having him kicked out of the house and then served the next morning).
Early in the divorce, he was contacting me daily about “division of assets”. I would respond but then hired an attorney because I knew he was manipulating me, I just couldn’t put my finger on how he was doing it. He still kept contacting me with “division of assets” stuff.
Back in January, he and I were in actual contact for about a week. He wanted a legal separation to save him having to pay for my insurances, which will come to about $700 a month. I told him I wasn’t immune to the suggestion, but I wasn’t sure. What I didn’t tell him was I felt it still gave him too much control over me and he could use the insurances to abuse me further.
He’s retired military and every four years my ID card would need to be renewed. Would he send me the paperwork to do it when I needed it or would he make me jump through hoops first? Also, he could change it to a full-blown divorce at any time by simply filing the papers and sending me a copy. Talk about CONTROL!
However, he used this to convince the judge we were discussing reconciliation and got a 60 day hold put on the divorce. The day after the stay went into place, he cut off all contact. Translation: Now he got to leave ME!
I did manage to get the stay lifted with some pretty harsh language because the only reason the court would lift the stay is if domestic violence was a factor. I shared five different tales of his violence against me (though I had many, many more) ending it with, “I have absolutely no desire in in way, shape or form to reconcile with the respondent nor do I wish for a legal separation which would subject me to being further abused by him. What I DO desire, more than life itself, is to divorce my abuser and move on with my life from 2000 miles away.”
He went completely no contact after that, even when I sent him an email to discuss the serious and worrisome depression about our youngest son (mutual friends had contacted me about it and thought I should do something). He’s in contact with all our kids – he’s the wonderful dad, after all, after undermining me with them for years. But he refuses to talk to the poor boy’s mother about our child. Think I upset him by airing his dirty laundry in a court filing? I don’t know…
He and his attorney are refusing to come to settlement, preferring to let the judge decide it all, which might or might not turn out badly for him. I have a disability and haven’t worked for about 12 years of our 22 year marriage but he’s trying to convince the judge it’s all in my head and I really CAN work. However, I have a statement he wrote when I was trying to get a disability pension (in his own handwriting) that has me basically one day away from a wheelchair.
I can’t wait to put some miles between he and I and never talk to him again. I’ll miss my kids, to be sure, but they’re so deeply enmeshed with him I sincerely don’t believe they’ll ever come out of it. Even though they witnessed a good deal of the physical abuse, even though they know about his numerous affairs, they still believe him when he says it wasn’t him, but me. I can’t fight that kind of insanity. And it IS insanity.
Hello, I am so thankful I found this website and this support. I have just been discarded by what I’m pretty sure is an N… I’m still in shock and can’t believe this has happened to me. We dated a little over a year and did not live together. So many things were “off” 3 months into the relationship, I should have left then, but I always felt bad as every other women in his life had been mean and hurtful to him. I was going to be the “best” and God knows I tried. Nothing I did was ever enough. I was constantly walking on egg shells, trying not to set him off or upset him. He would go into these rages for no apparent reason, however it was always something I did… but they were so minor, I couldn’t imagine anyone getting upset about it, let alone going into a rage… he ended it via email last week, and I haven’t really been able to function since…. I don’t know what happened, except in the email he pointed out every thing he didn’t like about me and that it was my fault that the relationship was ending and I needed to get help…. what??? I feel so lost and confused, hurt, sad, I gave everything to this relationship… I honestly don’t know what happened…I have had no contact with him since he ended it and have removed him from all of my contacts, FB, everything… I feel like I have lost so much, and wanting him to contact me and say sorry, but from reading all these posts, I guess I should be happy it ended the way it did… I just dont understand how someone can say they love you and want to marry you and live the rest of their lives with you and then boom, you’re gone??? What just happened… someone please wake me up from this nightmare…
Bri – you ARE lucky to be out of this. Just the fact he ended it via email should have been the biggest clue. A mature, responsible adult ends a relationship of any length face-to-face and anything less is a coward’s way out.
I’m ending my marriage to an N after 21 years and, yes, it’s a roller coaster of emotions. But at least now, I can put a name to it.
These guys are SO great at sucking us in with their charm and lies of being treated badly that we DO feel sorry for them. We all believe that with enough love, we can help them. Sadly, there’s just not enough love in the world to make these guys happy. They’re not happy unless they’re unhappy, even if they have to create the crisis themselves.
Maintain no contact. If he contacts you in the future, and he will, don’t respond. If you feel you must respond, wait at least 24 hours, with 48 hours being better. Be matter of fact. Don’t attempt to defend yourself in any way because the N wants the argument, thus creating their own crisis. Simply address what needs to be addressed (such as if he left anything there – tell him, “I will leave your things on the front porch at such-and-such a time. If they are not picked up by such-and-such a time, I will be putting them in the trash bin outside”)
If the entire email or voicemail from him is utter nonsense, delete and move on and don’t even read/listen to any future messages from him. Set up your email to send his message straight to the trash can.
You can do this. I promise you can. I’m nearly five months into my breakup and I can actually go more than a few minutes or hours w/o giving him real estate in my head. Soon, I’m moving back to my home state and will never have to worry about running into him again. It’s really over and once I move, the real healing can begin. I plan to change my cell number (the only way he’ll be able to reach me once we tie up the loose ends of our marriage) and don’t ever want to talk to him again.
Luckytobealive, thank you. That’s all I can say. My friends and family are surrounding me and calling and checking on me, which is a good feeling. He only ever met 2 of my friends as we were always at his house. He only came to my place 4 times in a year. Everything was his way. I do wish I could find out if he is hurting or missing me or wishing he hadn’t ended it and has some regrets. I just feel so empty and discarded and feel as though I meant nothing to him. My son texted him and went and got my belongings from his place yesterday, he left them all in his driveway and was not there. He couldn’t even face him. I have no idea what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. It is brutal to be left with very little understanding why it happened in the first place. I am going to focus on me and healing myself. My ex, thinks he did nothing wrong and that the relationship failed due to my actions and emotions. The email he sent to end it was so cold and harsh and mean. I want to heal. I don’t want to feel like this forever, but everytime I seem to take a step forward, I fall back 3… the pain in my chest and my stomach has to go away soon…. I hope.. I have received some self help books and I will be reading them from cover to cover as my healing is the most important for me. In almost everything I have read I hear that they will contact you again, is there a timeline? How long do they usually wait? When he would “punish” me by ignoring me for days, the longest was almost a week. Friends are telling me to go out and meet new people and I just can’t… I can’t do anything… I know I should but I can’t. How long before this stops hurting so badly?
Hello. I just found this website, and I’m glad that I did. What I’ve been reading here, seems to be exactly what I’ve been going through recently. I’ll try to give some back story, I’m really sorry it’s a rather long post, but please bare with it
I’ve been with this guy for about 3 yrs. It is a long-distance relationship..yes I know that those kind of relationships are difficult, and some people may think of them as not real relationships. From almost the beginning, I knew that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It has been difficult to say the least,but I’ve always stuck by him no matter what. I’ve never stopped loving him, have been there through his highs and his lows, and have always treated him well.
If any of you are aware of BP, you know that they can go from one extreme to the other. He can be very loving one day, and the next treat me as though I was the most evil person earth. Anyway, I’ve tried to be strong since we’ve been together. I’ve always been loving, supportive and always there whenever he needed me. He’s always told me how much he loves me and how happy he was to be with me. So his recent behavior I thought was again attributed to his episodes.
A couple of months ago, he began yelling at me, and b***** at me for every little thing, yet was happy and joking around with everyone else. I don’t recall ever having any fights or treating him badly to cause this bad treatment of me.Usually someone with BP will lash out at everyone, not just one person..or so I’ve been told. Anyway, as time went on, he became more distant. Didn’t want to be around me, ignored me a lot of the time.
He quit a social venue that he and were always on together, but still continued to talk to me, but only through messages. He used to call me every day, and we be on a call all day. But that had stopped completely, and he just messaged me. He didn’t seem depressed at all..still happy and joyful. One day, he messages asking if I “understand and acknowledge that I don’t have influence on certain events happening around me”. I had no idea what he meant and he wouldn’t explain. He just called me dense. A couple days later, he apologized for being “rude”, as he put it, that entire month before. He said he was trying to get me to understand something,but couldn’t put into words for some reason. I asked him to try, and all I got was “sooner or later you’ll get it”.
We continued to message, but not as often. I haven’t been as joyful and loving because I’ve been so upset, and confused. But I’ve still tried talking to him about anything, keep the communication going. Out of the blue, after 5 weeks, he calls me the other day. His excuse was he was too tired to type..ok, cool. I tried talking to him about everything that has been going on the past couple of months. He said he didn’t remember raging at me every day for a whole month. I asked what he meant when he said sooner or later i’ll get it. I asked if I was suppose to get that he wanted to break up with me…he said no. And that was the end of the topic. We chatted about nothing in particular for about an hour, then he said he was tired and hung up. The conversation was fine, just chit chat, no arguments or anything.
But now, he’s barely talking to me at all. He completely ignores me. I know what’s going on, I’m not stupid. The thought of him with someone else just cuts so deep. I just don’t understand how someone could just forget 3 yrs of a loving, caring girlfriend, and throw it away like it never happened..without any remorse at all. I could never do that to anyone. He acts like I’m enemy #1.
Also, I want to mention that he’s the type of person who has to have the attention of everyone to make himself feel good. He’s told me that being nice to his girlfriend is “sucking up”, but goes out of his way to make sure people he hardly knows think he’s so wonderful and amazing. He flirts openly with any girl that he meets, and makes me feel as though I’m invisible. But then will turn around be openly sweet and loving to me in front of everyone.
The reason I first wanted to reply, was because of Nansee’s post about how they spread lies about you. I’m sure he’s doing that, and that just tears me apart. I never did anything wrong to him..ever. People who were our mutual friends, don’t even talk to me anymore. They know I’m a good person, as does he, but the thought of him telling lies to them that I’m the bad one, or whatever, it just hurts to my very core. How can he be so cruel to me?
The couple of friends who know about everything that has been going on, tel me to just walk away like he apparently has. And I know it won’t make any difference, I don’t expect anything from him, but I still feel I need to say something. I want to remind him that I did treat him well, and have always been there for him, and that what he’s doing is just plain cruel and I do’t deserve it.
I’ve never been able to talk to him easily. I have never been able to come to him if I’m sad or just having a bad day. He’ll tell me I’m whining or I’m emo. So for the past 2 months, I’ve been here pretending everything is fine, but secretly in so much pain; so confused and depressed. I don’t know what to do. I have this need to speak out to him about how I’m feeling, but I don’t know what to say..or how to even START the topic. I’m just so hurt, so confused and can’t understand how he could do this to me. He’s the one who has left me; he’s the one who has hurt me..not the other way around. But I know he’s telling people that it was all my fault, to justify his behavior. I don’t deserve this at all, and somewhere deep inside him he knows. He’s just completely blocked out our whole relationship. Why? Why does he want someone else, when he had someone who loves him and treated him so well?
What do I do? I’m hurting so much, and I’m so confused.
Please Help
Just wanted to say, that sometimes I think he really is going through something, like he is depressed but won’t say anything. I don’t know, my mind is everywhere all the time. I keep asking “why”; I keep trying to think of something I could have done to cause him to treat me like this, but I can’t. he’s pulled away before, but has never done anything like this. Deep down I don’t think it has anything to do with him being in an episode. This treatment of me went on for a whole month, and still is to a degree. I guess it’s just so hard for me to understand how someone could do this with no remorse or regret at all. How can he just walk away as though I’m the enemy and our relationship never happened, and all the while telling lies about me that he knows aren’t true.? It just doesn’t compute for me.
Hi Mismis sounds like you are a lovely person kind and caring. This is advice for myself too. You need to accept that he has a disorder and will always use you and abuse you only if you allow it. These type of men are predators and abusers. You like myself need to focus on you and only you. We will never get closure with these creatures. Never . They may pretend to have feelings but they don’t. They are not human and if we keep allowing them into our lives they will abuse us. Much love to you. Good luck.
Thank you Lindsey J for that short bit of advice you posted to another reader. That advise actually helped me today in getting through my own struggles with my ex girlfriend / Narc.
Chad
I have left a post regarding my N and having a very hard time… it has been a little over a week and I’m still an emotional wreck. Have had absolutely no contact with him, and I have no idea why it ended…
Dear sisters,
Thank you to all of you for opening your hearts and sharing so freely about your struggles. I too have lived for 10 years in a relationship with a man I loved and whom I believe suffers from Narcissism. It took me several years until I started to make any sense of what was happening to me and my life.
As all of you, I initially thought I found the love of my life. I met him in India, in an ashram- a spiritual community and he seemed such a religious, faithful and loving man. I feel in love instantly and after 7 months brought him to US and got married within the year. The initial love he showed to me, slowing slowly turned into indifference, and then into irritation and constant criticism from him. I helped him to go to school here for 2 years and then helped him get a job with the same hospital I work for. When his final green card papers came through, 3 years into our marriage, he announced that he is leaving the marriage. I thought a train hit me. I never thought he would do this. I was in denial for a long time. I justified his distancing and lack of participation and lack of caring towards me that he has shown very fast into our relationship , as due to his stress and adjustment issues to this country. Then slowly slowly, other things came to light such as the kinds of vulgarities my other sisters mentioned here: him looking at other women while married to me, lies and more lies, never keeping any promise he makes and blaming everything on me or others etc etc..
He left our marriage in 2008 for the first time. Since then he has left 9 times. For the past 6 years all we do is get back together, relive the honeymoon period for two or three weeks at most and then the whole cycle starts. The sweetness he promises and displays initially turns into boredom, lack of interest, aloofness, emotional shutdown which then shifts into irritation,
Covert aggression and constant anger oozing from him, dissatisfaction and the discarding again. He moves out, asks for a divorce, stays away for 3-4 months, puts his profile on online dating sites, who knows what else he does and then comes back crying and remorseful and asking for forgiveness and one more chance. He says he changed. He is a new man. And I always took him back. In 6 years he moved out of our home 9 times. In 2009 we started the divorce and stopped it before it was final because he came back. In 2010 after more comings and goings he asked for divorce again and that was finalized. Then even as we were legally divorced he would come back home promising to remarry me. He did this twice in 2011 and each time he would leave again right before we set the date for remarriage with the county. In 2012 we really remarried but it was doomed. After a short period of peace and working together on the marriage the same madness started again. He left again in February 2014 and asked again for divorce. I can’t believe I have allowed this to go on for this long. It was mostly because of my faith – or so I told myself. I thought I am being true to my marriage vows… It is only 2 months since he left and already he is calling me again and wants to get back together. He says he loves me, he cries like a child on the phone saying he can’t live without me and asking for forgiveness. Life has brought me to a place that even if I want to, I don’t seem to be able to talk to him or do anything with this man anymore. I got really sick physically several times when he left me, due to emotional stress. Initially every time he would leave, I felt like a train ran over me. It would take me months to feel normal again, and just when I would start to feel better he would come back, with renewed promises and I would fool myself with renewed hope. I cannot fool myself anymore. I am doing No Contact now. My heart is with all of you. I read all your entries and felt connected to each one of you. I did not know about this site but I feel God guided me somehow to every printed book written on Narcissism. I have a whole collection of them. It was through them that I started to understand what is happening to me and what I am dealing with. I cried a sea of tears for the past 6 years. I felt cursed and punished by God. I no longer see it like this. I have now hope for myself and for a new life. I no longer am addicted to being with my husband or addicted to the need to make it work with him. I am not even angry with him. I just want to be free and to know joy and love again. All I have been feeling is struggle and pain for such a long time. I have seen myself rise from ashes over and over again and my love and faith is with each one of you. If I can overcome and I am – then so do each one of you.
You just have to learn, as I did, to give to yourself just a tiny fraction of the love you so generously and freely have given to him. Learn to care for you. Learn to want your own good and your own happiness more that just wanting to be with him. Learn to appreciate You and who You are and to not need to get his validation and approval. Learn to see things and people as they are, not as you want them to be. Learn to say No to things that hurt you.
My Love is with All of You.
After reading your article I have felt a great deal of relief and stopped putting myself down but I don’t think he’ll let his new victim go. I was seeing someone for 9 months and it was constant mind games. One day I had enough so I ended it via text ( something he does a lot) and the next day he came over to speak to me to see if I was ok. From what I could see it had hurt him pretty badly as he wasn’t happy and chirpy.
A few days later I found out his dating a girl. We still remained as friends until I could no longer take his sexual innuendo’s and trying to touch me. So I told him to stop. His reaction was I’ll stop talking to you. I’ve not spoken to him for 7 months and yet his past messages on to friends, tried to get my attention or a reaction, walked into my space and I’ve walked away from him. Asks my friends how I am. I’ve deleted & blocked him on my phone and Facebook. Now I hear his girlfriend of 7 months is pregnant and apparently he wants it. Yet his still trying to get my attention and reaction. I have no contact with him nor do I look at him when his near me. He already has 2 kids with someone else who he said tried to trap him by getting pregnant. I thought they get bored? He seems smitten thou to me he looks miserable. Can anyone make sense of this? Is this normal?
Hello Mini, I am not a specialist but I guess that these people have no other content inside to make them feel happy except of the satisfaction that they managed to make those normal people around them feel bad. If he sees that you are hurt and unhappy because of you, he can feel important.
There is another story above of a young lady who helped her bf find a job and the bf made holidays not with her but with the cousin.
The bf hates her because she is able to help him. He envies her, he wants to use her and also make her small at the end so as to feel more important than her. No matter how educated, well off, rich, these narcs are very poor inside and they don’t give nothing to anybody for free!
Or if they give, it is with calculation and for manipulation!
Today I was laughing with my own thoughts. I was thinging that the narc I loved was so miserly that he wouldn’t even give the dirt of his body for free to the water taking a shower as oft as needed!
It is not that I didn’t realize early enough what he is all about. I believe I wanted him in order to have a live measure of how one shouldn’t be in order to be a good partner! That was a kind of narc attitude on my side too I suspect. I wanted good things for him, I liked see him happy. Happiness is not real with those men. It is an illusion…
Take my advise, don’t observe anything of what he is doing. You wouldn’t care what a man in North Pole is doing right now. Place him her he belongs: on Ice! Good luck to you,
Annie
I had no idea I was dating a narcissist until I finally had enough of his emotional abuse and kicked him out. After all the time spent (over four years) hoping he would stop leaving me (I’d come home from work sometimes and even though he told me we were “fine” his stuff was gone) and not speaking to me, or only speaking to me to tell me how horrible I am, I finally decided to end it myself (even packed his things for him just to make sure he’d leave). He also did other things to me like: leer at other women in front of me, flat out smile and flirt with some of them, than disappear into the bathroom for about 15 mins sometimes…wtf?!?! Yes, I confronted him. What happened? He denied it, cussed me out, made me cry, broke up with me, and told me that I was making things up because I was insecure and jealous. He would get so pissed if I had any different opinions or dared disagree with him about anything. Told me I looked “weird” in the clothes I had before I met him until I started buying things he “approved” of. But, he told me that I was a controlling dictator. Even liked to call me Hitler. I helped him with his homework. He had the nerve to try to get mad if I didn’t do it “fast enough”. Yes, I told him that I didn’t have to do it in the first place, but, yes, my dumb ass did it all the same. I realize, like a lot of you, that I am a codependent (and self-proclaimed bleeding heart). I guess growing up with a raging alcoholic/drug addict for a father and a mother who decided it was better to go along than get along, I am pretty messed up when it comes to self-respect and choosing a man who will not treat me like shit. Yeah, they’re so nice and complimentary in the beginning. They make you feel like you’ve met your “soul mate”. They make you think that they are your best friend and they can’t live without you. He told me I was “his life”. We spent almost every waking minute together. But, I always knew something was really messed up about our “love”. I honestly loved him with all of my heart. It traumatized me so much when he would leave me and not talk to me. One time a girl he was seeing behind my back confronted me with email messages they exchanged. When I asked him about it, he got mad at me. He tried to break up with me. He denied it and said his cousin sent the messages. Man, as I write this, I’m even thinking who the hell puts up with this type of abuse and sticks around for years of it? Who begs back a man that treats them like that? I did. I’m still trying to put my life back together and get into counseling. I feel like I’m in a nightmare. I guess this is why I was so afraid to end things with him. I had become addicted to our relationship, but I knew it was killing me. So, I do not regret leaving. I only regret that I ever took him back after the first time he showed me what a cold, selfish, lying, cheating, immature, mean-spirited, two-faced person he really is, “Satan in a Sunday hat” (as Lafayette of True Blood would say). To all of my fellow recovering narcissist lovers, we can get through this and go on to live a life without all of the narcissist’s drama, disrespect, and abuse. We can’t allow them to take away our ability to love and be loved. We didn’t create their illness and we shouldn’t be made to pay for it. We deserve to be treated with love and respect. Good luck to all of us on this journey of recovery! xoxooxxoxo Laura
I’ve read a lot of these posts…I’m in love with a woman that has everything you are all talking about. I mean almost to an exact T. On one side I know I deserve better…on the other side there’s fear. Fear of being alone and fear of not finding someone that I will love as much as I do her. But at this point, I feel I’m willing to accept I’m better off alone than with her. I know there are not any easy answers, if so we’d all have them. Her and I have went 30 days without speaking because I blocked her in everyway I could think of, but she found another facebook account to contact me on…. 4 months later I’m back to nothing again. I hope the best for everyone. Just wanted to share. Reading everyone’s comments and stories does help.
I don’t have enough time to tell my story now but everything sounds so textbook in regards to my relationship. I am still devastated and depressed to the point of wishing if I could sleep that I would never wake up. I won’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to do it. My question is this. He dumped me and moved in with another woman last September and I don’t feel like I’M any text and beg better. I still text and beg him to come back constantly. I still cry every day and my heart hurts so bad that I feel I’ll actually die from a broken heart. I can hardly make it through the day. The simplest task is so overwhelming that I am a shell of my former self. Totally isolated and alone. How long will this last?
I haven’t ever written on this website but thought to share a little bit of my story as the article here helps me tremendously. Everything said about a narcissist returning after wreaking havoc on your life is entirely true and mine has returned to sporadically ask me to meet him for a cup of coffee at every chance he gets. He also has resorted to sullying my character to people we encounter professionally(be warned narcissists in your near working environment are always out for blood) while pursuing me. It is quite interesting to see how my indifference irks him because I have moved further along with each day. Also, he did not ever to return a few personal items I left over at his place — I am sure that is going to be used as an excuse at some point.
Cheers!
Hi everyone, sitting here reading through your posts realising how familiar they all are. I have spent the past nine years in a relationship with a narcissist. In that time he has abused me verbally and physically. He continually comes into my life for a period of three to four months at a time. Then discards me usually at Xmas or an important time for me. This year he kicked me out four days before Xmas knowing I had no family to go to. Then he will return by text message a few weeks later after he has done his partying and resume contact as if nothing has happened. Only recently I drove three thousand kilometres for him to deliver his dog for him to kick my son and I out not once but twice. So really was just using me as is always the way. He can only maintain the perfect act for so long but my god the man should have been an actor. He puts on a stellar performance. After he discards me then it’s the silent treatment as I struggle to understand why he treats me like this. Simple really the man has no feelings. Speaking to two of his past girlfriends helped as they all described him in the same way a psychopath which is comforting. I could go on and on but I am just trying to find the strength to stick to no contact . One day at a time. Good luck everyone. Feeling a bit lost and numb at the moment.
Been there also, gonna be 4 months and still can’t believe how much psychological work she did in my head… I still love her and i don’t know why but im getting better slowly, the bad part is she works at same place as i do… But what can i do im not gonna change job because of her but its hard on the mental, she talks trash about me and was able to make me feel responsible for her actions it sucks…..
I’m many monthes out from my sadistic Narc.
Total NC,hes blocked every which way to sunday.Only way he can contact me is smoke signal.Trust me, he was a nasty thing.Only took me a month of living with him to figure that out.I was treated to the full Monkey Dance when i refused to transfer my savings into his account…….true love, right? Im doing great……..Doing great.I have moments of pure bliss knowing he is gone. But as The sick bastards are the gift that keeps giving. I opened my Christmas totes today only to find he had stolen years worth of decorations, ornaments my kids made,and silly useless things.He had filled the totes with trash so they were not weightless.And I never tbought to check. When I left he kept other things not worth fighting over,silly things like kitchen items ( he’s now the proud owner of 3 cheese graders!) Personal items ( he can grate cheese wrapped snugly in my robe).Why do theses creature feel the need to STEAL? For the love of God this one paid movers to take my things across the country! Sheesh….. glad to be rid of him but sad about my personal memories.
I felt my post was vague so I’ve returned to give a bit of my backstory. My Narc was a life long friend, his parents grew up with mine, he was my nephews godfather.We liturally had years of history.He on the East coast me on the west. I was diognosed with cancer in 2011. He called to wish me well, during the conversation he told me he was divorcing his wife of nearly 30 yeats…..that’s right
she was CRAZY!of course. We began corresponding for over a year,until his divorce was final.
I was in treatment and we talked daily. After his divorce was final we traveled back and forth across the country.I spent an entire summer with him. There were red flags looking back but I would justify….this was BB…..he would t do that……crazy me.
When he finally moved here it took all of about a month for the mask to fall off. I was shocked beyond words. He was a full blown texbook narsissist. The verbal and emotional abuse begain from the day we walked into our new house.The day he pulled his fist back to punch me in the face because I picked up his glass of water was the day I left.he never never got another shot at me.
But because I left before he could discard ME he went into hyper drive DISCARD complete with suiside day……hours of sheer lunancy. Wanting me to meet bim to talk, only to be held captive and made to apologise for everything and anything. And I did, at that point I would have said anything to make him go away. I even agreed to move to the east coast…..anything to keep him happy and thinking he was in control. The day he left I wept . I was so happy.The man I knew was dead,this NARC was a stranger. I still get creepy felings when his name is mentioned or a thought about him crosses my mind……or when I discover he’s stolen more of my things. He hoovers thru his flying monkeys. I believe he is also borderline and there are times I do fear he will come back to hurt me.Even tho he is 3000 mikes away I still watch my back. I will never again feel safe.
This one from a males who has endured an extreme female N for 3 years. As Christmas approaches again I have yet again been devalued and discarded. What is with N’s and birthdays/Christmas or any special event. I have endured narcissistic rages consisting of punches, kicks, broken property, and on 3 occasions she spat square in my face. Yet I kept going back again and again for punishment. Well this time I’m out and staying out with the help of family and friends, and articles like this help us all of both sexes that have been in the fog of these unfeeling shells of human rubbish.
Thank you for the great article. I was just dumped by my N. While I consider myself a fairly emotionally healthy man. My wife died of cancer about 2 yrs ago after 16 years of marriage. My N picked me up, took me on the ride and dumped me. She was back with her ex within days and engaged. We will see how long that lasts. I had never met anyone like her and had all the feelings you describe and even saw some signs that something was not quite right. But never having encountered an N I just believed her lies when I questioned her.
It has been a month with NC and I am actually grateful to her. I guess since I challenged her a couple of time I only made it 2 months. But it did devastate me to the point of being put in the psyc hospital for suicide watch.
As I recovered and talked to others who had been burned by her both male and female. As I reviewed all those “weird” things, like spacing out on me on a regular basis when I was talking about something going on in my life I could see the total narc personality.
I am having no trouble at am with the NC but I believe she may contact me at some point in the future when she needs additional or new supply. I am having an ethical dilemma. In my reading I have come across the steps to control and manipulate the narc because they actually are emotionally like 5 or 6 year olds. I feel I could do those things and even get a little giddy at the thought of trying. Will it teach her a lesson if I am successful? Should/Would I feel guilt and remorse? Thank again for your website and article.
I was with my ex Narc for 10 years. Did all of the nasty things I’m sure all of you have experienced. Funny how in all those years, nothing in my life ever seemed to work. He did a Narc smear campaign on me a week ago, after talking about babies and a future (yeah, how many times have I heard this story? Lol). I was dating someone weeks before, he knew about it, and immediately got jealous because this guy was better than him in every way. And I made sure he knew it. Boy, did he make the next week a living hell for me. Even though he told my inner circle lies about me, he actually made himself look bad because they all thought it was such drama. This was the last straw for me. He really was vindictive. Instead of being so sad and angry and waiting for a crumb of his attention like I always did, I blocked him from calling me and FB. Thinking that I would defiantly never here from him since he said he was done (lol), he called me a day later from his house phone (forgot he had a house phone). I was like, you’ve got to be fricken kidding me! Really? (I didn’t answer). I start going kickboxing again, meeting up w old friends, having more fun with my kids. For the first time in 10 years, as painful as it was, the smear campaign, I’m grateful for it. Cause that ended the sick game for me. I couldn’t care less what he does or with who. This time, I’m out living and happy. The door is permantky shut. He looks a lot less attractive now that he’s off of that pedestal I put him on. So not worth all of that time and pain. People… I understand the pain and longing to hear from them after they temporarily disappear. Trust me, stop giving a shit about these demons. You can be in denial all you want… For as long as you want, but ask yourself, how has your life and other relationships been since knowing this person? I’m sure not good. And it will take this motherf’r really doing some damage before you get to the point where you are finally done and free. I still think of him every day, but it’s more that I’m glad that my addiction to a crazy person (who made me crazy) is over. Now I can finally be happy and free. And I truly hope, and pray for all of you who have had the unfortunate experience of wasting so much time on these abusers., that you seek help, learn about NPD (but don’t obsess, make time for people who are important in your life), turn around, knock off the sad shit, and pay attention to people you SHOULD be giving that energy too… They need it. You’ve been neglecting you, and the things that really matter in your life. You can’t get those years back, and it’s unhealthy. Stop putting your hand back in that fire, you will ALWAYS get burned, and even worse than the last time. Yes. Oh yes you will.., do get out of denial. Learn to smile when they leave because that’s Gods way of giving you what you deserve and need.
I am in awe at how many stories there are written by others who have gone though the same thing I have been going through with my N!! I have just recently after a year And a half long relationship found information on the internet that has confirmed what I have suspected all along, that my partner has a mental problem. Up untill a few weeks ago I had no clue what was wrong with him but now I know without a doubt he is a narcissist! Which I feel is both good and bad in ways for me. I am now validated in my feelings about his mental disorder but am now plagued by the uncertainty of our whole “relationship”!? I now suspect because of my research that he has sex with both his male and female friends and that he has cheated on me from the beginning, amoung all of the triangulation and gaslighting I’m so confused as to what is real anymore. I question myself and my own sanity.. it’s quite sad really! I just want the truth.. meanwhile that is what he has asked for from me from the beginning. My life is in shambles and he is still hoovering. It’s been less than a week since I’ve seen him and it’s been two days since I’ve implemented no contact again for the hundredth time. He says such awful things to me, accusing me of cheating, having sex with his friends (this is why I believe he has sex with his friends both male and female) says he can’t trust me. I’ve never cheated and was totally devoted to him up until the new year when he D&D me again for the millionth time. I’m so sick of his bullshit and want it to be over, but a small part of me still loves him and wants the false self back, even tho he doesn’t exist. He isn’t always a bad partner, but the suspicions of what he does behind my back and even maybe when he is in the next room haunts me! I don’t trust him at all now and most recently I suspect he had a girl over, (with other friends) during a barbeque, that he had sex with last year and triangulated us.. used me, his girlfriend, to make her jealous thinking that I wouldn’t figure it out. He has many pictures of me on his Facebook and they all say things like love this woman, my wife, wifey and tagged photos. He lets me have access to see his messages when we are together but I believe he erases and deletes things, he only lets me see things he wants me to see to make me jealous. Tells me that he never cheats on me and that he tells me everything!? Yeah right! Note the sarcasm.. he works 1500km away from me and so I can’t monitor what he is doing when he is away. When he leaves for work, in short time I am d&d and we are “broken up”. I’m trying desperately to move past this and health but I’m a wreck still. I am however doing a lot better than I previously was when I was drinking excessively and falling into depression, with sucidal thoughts. In the midst of this relationship, I lost my sister tragically and I feel he used it to try and get me to commit sucide as I was very vulnerable. Thanks goodness I didn’t because I have a child. I’m glad to read everyone’s stories of success in leaving their Ns for good and hope I can continue my strength in maintaining NC so I can move on with my life. Ladies and the few men out their who shared have shown me that it’s possible to heal, it just takes time and determination. Hugs*
From what you have written, it seems as thought you are in a trap. You don’t trust him. You know he has triangulated you and has had sex with others (men and women) and yet you stay. I can relate because I did the same as you. I stayed until I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. I was at a fork in the road and I knew that if I went in one direction and stayed with him I would feel pain. I knew that if I stayed I would continue to lose more and more of myself until there was nothing left. I have children and had I stayed on that path, they could have lost their mother forever. Now, the other path, at this fork, also presented excruciating pain because I would have to leave him. However, leaving him meant choosing me and if I chose me I knew something inside would prevail and I would one day be free. I am here to tell you that today I am free! The rose colored glasses are off and I can see him so very clearly and what I know now with 100% certainty is that we hold on to the narcissist/psychopath because facing the truth that he never cared is unbearable. What we must face is the ultimate form of betrayal. We trusted and gave to a man who was not real. The love was not real. The time was not real. It was all a play-pretend in which he manipulated our trust and love which made us vulnerable. The play-pretend was carefully crafted and designed for us specifically. The whole thing was not real. When this truth sinks in it feels worse than abandonment. To be played and manipulated like that is the ultimate form of betrayal.
A man who loves you would never do what this man has done to you, but an abuser would. GET OUT! You are wasting your time on a man who does not love, or even care about you. He’s playing you to feel omnipotent. The longer you stay, the longer he is getting the fuel and confidence he needs to prey on other unsuspecting women. As a public service, remove the feeding tube and starve the beast!
I am amazed reading all of these stories. I had a baby by a Narc, not knowing he had a wife and a TON of kids I’m learning about. When I met him, he spoiled me and introduced me to his family. Called me his wife. We were together for ten years. I guess his wife did not give a shit that he was never home; then again he had a separate apartment. His sisters called me their sister in law, and his mom called me ALL the time. What a sick family!
Fast forward, I am snooping on his sister’s FB page and see pictures of him with kids. His kids! Seven kids!! By different women! Also, he had a toddler that was severely disabled! I went off and called him a loser, tracked down his wife and emailed her. He called me FURIOUS and called me a dirty whore bitch. Lol! Really? What a piece of shit! He wished me bad luck because I emailed his wife and she was going through a lot with their severely disabled daughter. WTF? His wife emailed me and told me she was sorry I got caught up in his many lives. Huh? Before me, he was in a long term relationship with another woman who had 4 kids by him, before she learned he was married. She, too, contacted his wife and took him to court for child support. His wife even said that she wondered how many kids he really had. Wow!
I did so much for that jackass. If it wasn’t for my daughter, he would NEVER see or hear from me again. Sadly I must interact with this loser. In retrospect, no wonder he has such bad luck. Seriously, everything that could go wrong goes wrong in his life. His house – where he was “living”- burned down, his car got totaled, he developed severe gout that causes him severe pain. I was the one who encouraged him, and tried to fix things for him.
I’m going to pray for him for the sake of my daughter. But he is sick, sick, sick. He called me directly a couple of times to ask me to do research on a car for him; calling me “baby”. Yeah, whatever. What a fucking mental case!
I can’t believe I lowered my standards for this jackass. My daughter is the only good thing that came out of our “relationship”. Ladies cut these NP demons OFF COMPLETELY!! You will ruin your life if you don’t, and these devils won’t give a fuck about the damage they have caused.
Get a hobby, and LIVE LIFE. Be HAPPY! They hate to see us happy. Inside, these chronic lying psychos are miserable. If you are with a NP devil, wake up, walk out, and never return to them.
I dated a narcissistic chiropractor who insisted he was a doctor loudly everywhere we went.
The guy led me on and blew hot and cold for 2 yrs – still sends me stupid bday emails and that’s it. I left yrs ago but he still feels it necessary to email me bday greetings before anyone else does the day before. Self centered? If he was a good person, he would leave me the hell alone after the damaging mind **** he pulled on me and his ex wife and little kid.
The guy was shagging his renter and lied to me about their relationship the entire time only to confess later well into the relationshit when I could not tolerate he presence in our business. It all made sense later.
The guy knew the words to the song, but it was all mimicry. He had no concept of the meaning.
I cannot be mad that he is a narc. It is a life sentence for him and his kid – and one I am relieved to have finally escaped albeit with intense work on myself to make sure I never waste time with a disordered person like him again. He cannot help nor does he want to change what he is. I pity him but since he has no conscience, it is pity wasted. But since I am a good person, it is only natural to pity the unfortunate.
I had to realize that his disorder colors EVERYTHING and every person he comes into contact with from patients, to co workers to his kid to love interests. His disorder is an awful one to have and one I am blessed to not be stricken with.
We all have a bit of narcissism in order to survive. What these stories here seem to be about are those people with pathological narcissism that have hurt us.
The best thing we can do is have compassion for them without losing ourselves trying to turn a disordered individual into a caring part of our lives. When we release our anger at them and then turn the focus on to ourselves, realizing we stayed for the show, then we can work on ourselves to find out why we insisted on staying as long as we did – so that it NEVER happens again.
The good news is that we woke up and are stronger for it. Please don’t waste time being a victim to a person unable to have a conscience. Move on and understand how to read the cues so you can better protect the more informed you.
I had a “moment” today… I’m so glad I read this. I too was with an abusive narcissist. I’m pretty much over him, but had a weak moment today and was missing him. I will never go back to him & don’t miss being emotionally abused at all, demeaned, humiliated, feeling ndistespected , unloved , & lonely in the relationship. I was surprised at myself, but i haven’t really had time to grieve hom and it came out of nowhere todsy. I had a cry and i feel better. I feel cleansed.
I can’t believe I found this article. I was with a an AC for a year and a half (we broke up 6 weeks ago). I don’t know how closely the above is linked to the AC’s relationship with his mother, as that was a particularly challenging element of our relationship as in addition to being a selfish, controlling AC, my ex had serious issues with his mother which embedded themselves in our ‘relationship’. She constantly put him down, saying how worthless he was and how jealous she was of me and our relationship (she had little or arguably no emotional support from her spouse). Her put downs together with his selfish behaviour culminated in what I can only describe in my having to support and ‘fulfil’ his every need. I felt completely drained in the relationship in that not only was I his ‘ego-stroke’ but it was almost as if I was his life support system. Having few close friends and no extended family outside of his parents I gradually felt drained by his constant vampiristic need for attention, affection, sex, emotional support, love, encouragement. This guy is a CEO for god sake and yet it seemed he had a split personality. Over the time we were together he dangled ‘carrots’ in front of me almost like a decoy or smokescreen to pacify or appease me to make me stay. He recorded songs about life-long romance, emailed me houses, booked up lovely trips away and days out. All the while I was travelling back and forth from my home to his, slowly transitioning my entire life from one place to another where I believed I would eventually settle with him – or so I believed. Everything he did and said was a complete lie – reeling me in then pushing me away when he felt it was too much for him. I completely bent over backwards to support him and his life (whilst trying to create a life for me in the process). In May we came back from an extended trip to Vietnam and I knew, by the end of the trip it was all over. Again, he knew I was feeling uneasy like I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. In one last attempt to reassure me he said ‘You made this holiday so special, thank you for coming with me’. I wasn’t even in the room when I heard him say that but he knew I could hear him. I think for me, I was so desperate to believe our relationship was different to anything either of us had had before, that I’d opened his eyes to real love and that love would ultimately allow him to address his issues. Basically I was living in a fantasy world and I blame myself in part for denying the warning signs and glazing over the times when he’d try and control me or use me to get what he wanted. I’m truly devastated by what has happened to me, especially when I think of the pain I’ve endure over the past 5 weeks knowing he has been ‘getting on’ with life seemingly happy without me. I have thus far managed 17 days NC after a letter and couple of texts and now at least I feel like I’m gaining on control again and can slowly start to move on. Goodbye AC, I don’t wish you back again.
Wow! I am in shock of how many people have shared their stories with their own N. My story is a little different.. I got out very early – we met online.. I had recently just come out of an abusive relationship and i really wasn’t looking for anything to serious. My N was so charming, he was always there for me. We lived in different Cities and he paid for my flights to come and meet him, We connected on so many levels and he told me he fell in love with me when he first met me. He was so sure that we were soul mates and he wanted to marry me, being spoilt with all this love and attention made me really think.. Wow i’ve finally found my prince charming!! someone who will look after me and really love me. I eventually left my town after about only 3 months of talking and meeting twice.. (N people are very cunning to get what they want) I gave up everything to be with him. I even had a modelling contract in another City and I gave up all my plans to be with him.. Quit my good jobs and left to a City where i knew no one and only had him. When i initially arrived, things were amazing! I was so happy and really felt like we were going to be so happy – we had so many plans.. Then all of a sudden he started to change. He started to become very distant.. all the time. He then began discarding me in many situations. I became extremely reliant on him because he was all i had in that town. I finally got a job, and began to earn some money. It became a weekly thing to now dump me over the SMALLEST things. It would be so bad the fighting would happen for hours and hours on end.. he would call me all the most nastiest names in the book. I was so naive to the world – i didnt think that such cold hearted and heartless people exsisted. When we faught he seriously split within a snap of the fingers into another person. He wasn’t that charming lovely man i knew.. He would call me worthless, skank, a dog and put me in my dog corner. I wouldnt even be aloud to touch him.. The verbal and emotional abuse would last for what seemed an eternity.. and I just remember I began not even fighting back.. the N NEVER thought he was wrong about any situation.. he began to blame me for everything. Everything was now my fault. I began losing my sanity.. Begging for him.. I felt like a dog! when he would throw me a little bone i would catch it and want nothing more then just a little bit of attention to feel normal.. He would manipulate any fault or situation that he initially created and would turn it on me. Now i’m not saying I was the perfect girlfriend.. I would make mistakes.. but to be treated the way i did.. was just horrible. I began losing all of my confidence and before i knew it he started to hurt me physically.. not that bad but enough to be in pain. I was so heart broken.. I gave up everything for this man!! I begged for him all the time.. I lost my value as a woman.. I really degraded myself. It was about 3 months into me living with him when last week a mental fight broke out again because i yet again done something extremely little which set him off to the extreme where he abused me all night verbally and he kicked me out. I finally had to stop making excuses up for this man and the way he treated me.. it WAS NOT normal. I am NOT worthless. My family booked my tickets that night, and a week later i am home.. I have never been this anxious and fearful in my life. I feel like he has taken everything away from me.. And now i feel empty. He would never care when i would cry, i would begg for just a hug or anything and i would never recieve it.. Now that i am home my family has really helped me to reassure me that this was not normal behaviour. He was definitely a N (this might be interesting for someone to read. There was a time where i was trying to figure out what was wrong with him.. and he ticked all the symptoms for a N. When we were normal i told him, and he actually produced tears and realised that he was infact a N) The difference with him and many other N’s out there, was that he could feel compassion and love.. but he had a severe split personality.. So when he would turn into that split person all his empathy for anything or anyone would shut off. He would even tell me that i was the N, not him. But to end my story.. I am trying to imply NC with him, ever since then and before i left he has been begging for me back. But i know that going back to him would mean that i would end up like many of the stories written on this page.. i can not do that to myself. This is probably the hardest thing i have ever done to leave what i felt was my safety, my security. But i know in my heart that im lucky i have gotten out early.
X
My N is/was a female in her 50’s (I’m 64) I recognize all the N behaviours spoken of in these accounts – means a lot to know I’m not alone or crazy. The hardest thing, which many have spoken of, is coming to grips with the FACT that for the N it is all fake. I keep remembering little kindnesses that make me doubt myself, my experiences of the bigger cruelties. Even writing that brings the sadness back. I so want that pretend person I fell in love with to be real. Now, although I have a new relationship with a good person I find it hard to trust, and seem to see N type signs that aren’t really there. I’m also comparing my new GF with the N – is she as pretty? Is she as exciting? I know this is wrong, unfair, unhealthy. Haven’t told her about the N either – want to but don’t trust her enough yet – see the bind?
This is a great site/resource for us victims.
Thanks.
I wanted to first say that these are very sad but enlightening stories of real pain caused by these guys (and in Ken’s case…girls). I wanted to address Ken’s situation. NPD has classic signs, but also stems from many other underlying factors. Ken, I too have been at the receiving end of a break up with a women with NPD. To make things worse, this woman is a psychologist!! She broke up with me twice in a one-year time span. Like the other women have pointed out…”they made excusses” or “ignored red flags”…about their pathetic partners with NPD. I did the same. You mentioned that you feel she will follow the same predictable behavior and will eventually contact you. Have you maintained the NC rule with her? I ask because my NPD’d ex girlfriend picked a fight on purpose just so she could get sympothy from those around her….she thrives on drama and would frequently (well all the time actually) talk to me about her teenage daughter who was (I thought the drama queen at first), but I later figured out that my ex girlfriend kept things stirred up….playing the sympathy card on me. We have been apart now for six weeks and she doesn’t respond to calls, emails, or texts. I then found out she blocked me….WHY? True to the NPD form….it’s all about control. I feel she is thinking that she will get sympothy, then call me when she wants …on her misguided terms. I mean, this woman would text me immediately after she tried to call me informing me that, “she tried to call and I DID NOT ANSWER”…wait, what? I took her back the first time. Deep down I know I would take her back again, but for my own sanity I know I have to let her go. I hope you can do the same. Good luck, man.
I,m 5 months out of my narc relationship.
First two years I thought I had found an angel. I knew that she had a child at 14 but that never bothered me, the fact that such a pretty girl had not been married did make me think a bit. She was 40 when we met.
2 years in the cracks started appearing..in this time I had paid for everything we did,food,jewellery, trips away, fuel in her car cos she was broke , only worked part time. She would get drunk and say foul things to me, one night she even punched me in the face got up shouted at me saying don’t you lay a hand on me.? Silent treatment started and 3 days later rang like nothing had happened , when I asked why she had hit me she denied it…I began to think I was going mad as she turned everything around and blamed me…no sorry, nothing.
Things would be ok for a while and then it begun to be abuse every week.
At first my kids loved her then they started to hate her for doing what she did to me. She put a wedge between me and my mum, and some of my friends by lying. I really believe she cheated on me but was told he was Just a friend, this was after an episode of abuse and I told her to leave. As she walked out she said it was over,2 weeks later I got a text asking if I wanted to go see her dog.
I said I knew about her friend!! And she instantly rang denying it. I had no proof and was sucked back in.
Numerous occasions when we went away she would get drunk and again finish with me even tho we still had two days left at the hotel she acted like nothing had happened next day. I dropped her at her house and she kissed me on the cheek and said it just wasn’t working.
I did no contact for two weeks and she then contacted me again.
Sucked in again because I loved her it started all over again. Drunk one night she started verbally abusing my daughter so I said get the fuck out, she left and 20mins later the cops were at my door..she told them I had stolen her house keys. She denied any knowledge of calling them next day, I just thought she was mad.
She ignored me in the street one day also. She was vain,demanding and very very childish.fri night was looming and I knew she would be coming round but I felt anxiety and fear so I sent her a text message saying i,m sorry but I can’t do this anymore Goodbye.
Early next day I got a few abusive texts so I rang and said look I don’t want any hard feelings ok…to which she replied, we weren’t going anywhere anyway and it’s over.
Insanely jealous of my daughter who lived with me and what I did for the other two girls. I found out that it was her uncle who had raped her, since I told her I’m so sorry for what you went thru at 13 and I know who did it ive not heard a thing. It was covered up by the family for 30 years. It explains a lot, the anger, the self harming, the drinking which she blamed me for.
It hurts an awful lot and I feel very lonely . I guess if everything that is said about narcs she’s probably got another supply by now. I feel used and sometimes angry at how she sucked me in ,lied to me and drained me emotionally. My kids don’t realise why I,m so upset I feel as if I’ve let them down because ive become withdrawn, drink to much and smoke to much.
She’s very nearly destroyed me. Reading these blogs is making me see what she is and that she may never change at 45 now.
I’m 53 and regret the day I met her, I’ve wasted 5 years on an emotional vampire. But I understand now that they just can’t help it.
Cheers
Jeff
I too am a victim of a man on the narcissistic/sociopathic spectrum. He moved on to his new victim 4 months ago after being with me for 10 years. I was devastated and only figured out what he was by chance when reading a novel featuring a sociopath. I’m learning as much as I can about this type of person as I find it very therapeutic and this is proving to be a very useful site.
Initially I was very angry at his new victim as I felt that she had taken advantage of him when coaching him in a professional capacity in his work as a senior local government official. I now realise that she has been taken in by him and my family, friends and counsellor all agree that it will end badly for her.
I have two bits of advice to offer; firstly – even though you may long for a reconciliation no contact is essential and secondly, learn as much as you can about the condition, it will help you heal and help you stay strong. As my counsellor said to me every time I left her at the end of a session, remember – he’ll be back, be strong, be ready.
I’ve been over my N ex for many months now.
He met all the traits of Narcissist, probably mix with borderline as well as he’s a raging, emotional evil from time to time. Ya, he’s really f*** up. He’s nothing but a loser in life, blaming and cursing everyone around him. It’s always everyone’s fault but his. Manipulative and making up obvious fables to twist the facts. I broke up with him after a sequence of fights, or more accurately, a sequence of verbal and emotional abuses on me. He gave me and people around me almost two months of non-stop nasty threatenings and harassing before he finally stopped the drama.
I’m lucky that it was just a short relationship. I might have missed him at the beginning but I put my every single effort to stay NC and cut all online connections. He might truly heartily need some help and I tried my best to love and care him. Now he’s no more then a douchebag to me and no one wants to deal with an a**hole ever again. I don’t care if he’s found true help, real happiness or he’s still faking one.
it was really hard for me to accept that my ex was a narcasstic, in my head I just told myself that he had problems, that if I loved him unconditionally e would change. when we first started dating he acted so fake all of the time, fake laugh, fake charm, hated if I acted goofy so I began to correct my behavior more often to be more of what he wanted, would take jabs at me for things he wanted to change, my weight, my independence and eccentric personality, anything. he used to look at other girls right in front of me like he was getting ready to just run into their arms as fast as he could and get away from my disgusting self, he would show off to get their attention, flirt with them right in front of me, all the while I never said a peep. I’m not an unattractive women, I’m 31, we dated 5 years, but my entirely life I have always been told how beautiful of a woman I was, but until I met him I never felt more ugly. In the beginning I wouldn’t eat for days so I could lose some weight and did stay at about 130lbs at 5’5″ which is my normal weight range, but gained it as we dated because of depression. He was never there for me. I have a 10 yr old now with autism and we lived seperate lives because he was not her father. I took care of the house after e moved in as well as laundry, cleaning, cooking etc, and he was off doing whatever he pleased. all the while I hardly said a peep. Finally we had a fight one day and he broke up with me, it as a way out I thought, he didn’t contact me for 6 months. I had almost committed suicide the depression got that bad, I had days I cried all day long, I drank booze in my coffee along with my adderall for my ADHD to help me forget I was living without him and one day he called, so nice and sweet an ignored me again. Week later told me I needed to move on an ignored me another 4 months the called again, talked for 7 hours and hinted about me coming to visit with my daughter and that he would pay! I was shocked, I thought he changed. Then he ghosted again. he wanted to make sure he had me under his thumb in case he got bored with the new girls. I finally decided to let it go, I burned any reminders I had of him in my fire pit and it was glorious, I started doing Aerial yoga, listening to music way too loud when I was alone, and I lost 65 lbs, a little under weight now but the looks from other men started to remind me I was a pretty woman, who was college educated (still in college), I was a good moral person and a great mom, I had a huge heart and genuinely liked to help others. I was the Saint that he should be begging to get back, not the other way around, he was a bad person, selfish, a fraud, a liar. When I finally realized he was scum I started to feel better, it took over a year, but it started happening. don’t give up ladies, some days I still cry but I know I am strong am I am beautiful and maybe this happened to remind me of how awesome I/ we are
love to you all <3 keep on going no place to go from rock bottom but straight up <3
N’ s are literally walking evil evil vampires, they emotionally suck the life out you and smile while they do it, I have been in a relationship for 4 years with a total lowlife , he had 5 ferrrari 3 Bentleys 2 orange Porsches , 27 cars, he chased any woman right in front of me, he was is so repulsively disgusting. He owns a very successful company. He literally tried to destroy me, I spent the last year trying to ghurt him like he hurt me and all it did was make it worse for me, because narc have no feeling no empathy , pure living evil beings, I left again 6 days ago, after he cheated for the 1000th time, I really pray I can stay away this time!!!!!!
two and a half years ago, i broke up with a narc of two and a half years ish. it was terrible not to be with THAT, because he had been giving me orgasms regularly and occasionally re lovebombing me, AND I WAS HOOKED. he even coolly explained to me that love is a chemical reaction and that i was cockstruck. he knew it would end very badly for me if i loved him, and i told him i loved him and he would say, i dont know what that is and i defy you to define it in a scientific way. I SHOULD HAVE RUN AWAY but life can be pretty boring for single mums who have derailed their own careers (exclamation mark girls) so his combination of charm offensive, sexual control and seeming lack of self consciousness won over my bored and lonely heart. also he did a selection of British accents – that seemed very sexy and compelling to me… triggers.. i was also a sitting duck because he seemed happy to be in my space where i raised my child and not desperately desire to be doing something more interesting… but i discovered that its pretty interesting for a narc to be sucking a woman into falling in love with him. Its the funnest game around. they only put a smile on a woman’s face cos it looks so pretty and they want to be seen in their own minds eye to be the guy who charms the prettiest girls, but in truth the best part is where they pull the rug out and show the woman that they now suddenly hold her guilty of being sub standard. selfish, stupid, immoral, ugly and ENTITLED. Thus wiping the smile off her face. They adore making women, who they hate really for being the gatekeepers of pussy, feel entirely attacked by a person who is still calmly sitting there with slitty eyes, bent on assassinating their character. its fun to be a rude fuckwitt, eyes gleaming from hurting someone so much, and confusing them so much…. and knowing that its going to be such and affront and a disappointment for her, to have to go on then after that shock, facing a relentless, implacable, merciless foe – just when you thought you’d found someone who loves you back… even if they seem too fucked up to know it. after all they act like they love you… so why do they think you are so stupid to believe that they do? what a schmuck women are, to even dare to want to believe them capable of that highest of emotions????
seeing such a monster eventually means you have to come to terms with that, that they exist is bad enough, to have tried to love one is revolting, in terms of having to undo the chemical imbalances that program you to expect and want the trauma to continue. they keep you confused and trying to win them over constantly on purpose, because they are themselves are only happy in the chase. ultimately they never had love and never had a chance to just relax with that truth. they were BURNED and seared into being a rock to the notion of love or dependence on other peoples kindness because some broken parents didn’t do a good job. and also, sometimes because a parent or grandparent was a member of a secret society that practices MONARCH or some other trauma based mind control. There are practices that are difficult to speak off, involving making a human slave via using trauma to turn people into MULTIPLE PEROSNALITY disorders… and this has been done to a lot of people. which results in a lot of narcissist men and a lot of borderline women. this is mostly responsible for a lot of the dysfunction within people and between the genders… and has a knock on effect on non-mind controlled society as well. after a short time of playing the love/no love game, a womans endocrine system gets dialled up to a very stressful peptide flooding state. getting through the withdrawal is one of the most difficult things to live through. and yet you do and you will… but justs when you think you are safe
the dickhead narc turns up walking past your dog park with a new hot young thing and calls your dog and gets said dog to meet the new girlfriend. on the day before your birthday? then you say UNBELIAVABLE to his face because he wont even acknowledge who you are after calling and saying hello to your dog. icky sicky pull my dicky.
luckily if you are paying attention to the boring modus operandi of the narcissistic sociopath, hahaa, this is exactly what one expects them to do. minimum. BEWARE. Theres probably a lot the narc has done to punish you and you are not paranoid and awake enough to attribute to the narc.
I really want your posts emailed to me. I need this constant insight and it is brilliant!