Now you’ve done it. Forced to choose between your own sanity, your future and sense of self, and the arbitrary, absurdly selfish whims of a mentally ill manipulator, you’ve chosen the high road to peace and clear thinking. You’ve broken up with the narcissist.
IT’S NOT TOO LATE!!!! CALL HIM!!! Beg his forgiveness! Yes, he’ll wiggle with glee at your showering him with this attention and taunt you with ambivalence or outright haughty insults as punishment for your taking control of your own life, but hang in
there! You might still be able to resume your place in his whacked psychoworld!
OK. I know. You miss him. We all know how that feels. But, now, let’s take a peek at this ‘missing’ thing.
I assume we all agree that with narcissists, we’re generally dealing with two people: The guy he is, and the guy he pretended to be. You miss one of them. I take it we all know which one.
Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned. In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, you’ve got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldn’t be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all.
When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! ‘You’re alive!,’ you think. ‘You’re not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! You’re finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?’
Whoa, there, Sister. Let me spare you a tiny bit of hurt here by having us skip ahead to where he slams you again and you wake up in the harsh, cold world of Reality. Things just got even worse. Pretend Guy is still gone, Actual Guy is still abusing you, Pretend Guy and Actual Guy are still the same guy, AND now any baby steps into healing you might have made just got deleted into nothingness.
And you wonder how he’s feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (narcissists don’t pick hardasses for partners), but you’re conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-narcissist you, doesn’t want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner.
“Hey,” I hear one loyal heroine say. “Don’t talk about him like that! He’s NOT an abusive, selfish freak! He’s…. Well, OK, he’s an abusive, inconsistent, selfish, ridiculous, freak, but he’s MY abusive, selfish freak!” Oh. Sorry. Hey, didn’t I see you last week on Jerry Springer?
For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend Lin. Lin’s man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was unempathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. Lin knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; he’d grow distant, she’d work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall?
Friend Lin stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she ‘selfishly’ left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Let’s ask her, shall we?
Aunt Alex: Hey, Lin. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their narcissist partners?
Lin: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!!
Hmmm. Well, don’t pay any attention to her. She should have stayed for 31 years; maybe THEN he would have changed. Besides, YOUR narcissist is different! HE’LL get better! He will! I swear! Please, just take him back and get him away from the rest of us…
When we leave the narcissist, it’s because the abuse has gotten intolerable. Afterward, when he calls us and pushes the buttons he knows extremely well, the temptation to give him another chance can be overwhelming. We’re hurt; we’re mad; we want to recoup some of our losses; we love him and want it to work; we just can’t believe that anyone would be so warped as to hurt us that way, so we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All roads point to trying again with the narcissist.
Except for one. Reality. Which is Truth. Reality is Knowledge, and Honesty with yourself. It’s Your peace. Your health. This road points in the opposite direction, away from the narcissist. Yes, it’s an uphill road, but if you can invest in the climb, the view from the top is spectacular.
Does it seem like if you just invested enough love and time in the narcissist, well, it just can’t help but to get better?
Our Lin spent 30 years wanting her narcissist to get better. I wonder if he started to get a little better around year 10. Or year 17. Year 23? Year 29? Is Lin content that she tried hard enough to make the relationship work? Let’s ask Lin.
Aunt Alex: Hey, Lin, are you glad you spent 30 years in a ‘relationship’ with a narcissist?
Lin: AAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH……. AAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKHHHHHH….
Sorry, folks. Apparently I said something wrong.
Please delete the above post, there is a typo in it.
I really love your essay. It is fabulous! I only wish I had someone talk to me like this 23 years ago. It took that long and a world of hurt to finally say “No More!” I would love to put a link on my blog to this post. Can I have your permission to use your story. I really think it is a wake up call to all of us who have doubts about whether Mr. Pretend was real or not and if we could have only done something MORE or DIFFERENT to make him stick around. Uhg!
I am two weeks and a half in with no verbal contact with my narc. When I first met N I was in heavy grief after of losing my dear husband to cancer:( I do not count the first two years of dating N because I know I was vurnable and not clear thinking. The physical part of our relatonship was awesome but he killed that eventually be with his cold selfish ways. I don’t even know where to begin describing his hot and cold ways, but deep down I know it’s not normal and is his way of control. The nine years spent dating him has shown me what I do not want in my a man! Of course it was not all bad times as he is charming and manipulative. Reading all the posts and advice is helping me to stay away from N. I deleted him as FB friend and had already deleted his family and friends a few years back in order to save myself additional hurt and pain from their lack of understanding and insensitivity. The positives in my life is that in spite of the yo yo relationship we had I went to college for psychology and just graduated with my masters and hope to soon be licensed and one day have my own practice. My concentration is death, dying, bereavement, loss etc…I have been to hell and back especially with this wolf who duped me. I accept my part in this as I would never want or allow this for my daughters or clients. But I accept that I allowed this in my life. I am currently in one on one therapy not just for N but also to help with single parenting issues. N was all about himself and his wants and needs and I just could niot take him any more! In my old life I was blessed with a sensitive emotionally intelligent man who was my soul mate and best friend. In my defense my own father was narcisstic and I have come to realize that is why I fell for N. Mr. N has about every quality listed for this personality disorder except he is not generous like some N’s described as he is cheap, cheap
cheap and looking for anything free he can get! I was warned he was physically abusive to his first wife which thank god other than mind games he used on me he has never been physically abusive to me . We never lived together and I realize I never could never entertain living with him let alone marrying this dysfunctional man. Even though intellectually I know all the love and energy I have given N is not healthy, I still hurt and am having difficulty getting him out of my mind! I blocked him from text messages and phone calls to protect myself but he got his brother to send me several hurtful emails that have me taking steps backward again and beating myself up. I’m sad and hurting but realize this is not the example I want to give my daughters! Last I heard from N is him wanting to show me his new car. How I could’ve have let myself be with someone that loves himself and is shut down emotionally and is a user only adds to my hurt and pain. I am going to continue to read these pistings and to stay atrong and healthy. Thank you all sincerely for sharing your experiences and wisdom!
Can you post a link on your blog, and talk about it, you mean?
You bet, girlfriend. Spread the word.
Alex
It’s taken me 4.5 years of an online ‘romance’ for me to be able to read this article and genuinely laugh at its truthfulness. I knew years ago my ‘friend’ fit the profile for an N, but I just didn’t want to believe it. I missed him so much I thought I would die if I couldn’t stay in touch with him. Thank you God, I can finally see what a sad little person he really is and feel sorry for him. If he contacts me again, I plan to play with his head…..;-)
Donna………… trust me…….”if he contacts you again?” Honey, NO CONTACT!!!! Make yourself unavailable to him. And no matter how much you cry and want to hear his voice……… just recall what it was……. and it will only get worse. They do not heal. God bless.
Hello, I just wanted to say that I am in week two of breaking up with an N. Still struggling but I have know it will never improve for a long time. At the moment I miss him but having left the relationship several times, I realise now that he is not capable of changing. He has started dating someone else already although he still wants contact with me as ‘friends’ I have declined this as I genuinely believe that I have been sitting on the fence for years now with no real commitment from him. Anyway, just wanted to say that it is helping me read this and that he fits the bill 100%
I had to read this again because I thought I wrote it. My story exactly!
“Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned. In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, you’ve got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldn’t be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all.”
This is SO spot on. The problem is, Pretend Guy is dead, but his corpse is alive and well and walking around sporting his beloved face. Real Guy understands the advantage of this built-in mindf— all too well.
The entire article is a joy to read, the way it uses absurdity to deal with a very real emotional dilemna and make it seem like, well, not so much of a dilemna after all. THIS was the passage that slayed me:
“When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! ‘You’re alive!,’ you think. ‘You’re not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! You’re finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?’ ”
Every single word of that, punctuation and use of all-caps included, is just 24 karat GOLD. I laughed hard all the way through, and have been walking around the house saying, in my best Rescued Princess voice, “He looks just like PRETEND GUY!!” And then laughing myself silly.
By way of backstory, after a 4-year on-again, off-again relationship, I got my final rude awakening from my N just about a month ago. The words on this website give me a GREAT perspective on the whole situation, and my story begins to look less tragic (although of course it is that) and more comic all the time. I’d rather laugh than cry anyday. THANK YOU for the gut-busters.
“The problem is, Pretend Guy is dead, but his corpse is alive and well and walking around sporting his beloved face. Real Guy understands the advantage of this built-in mindf— all too well.”
True. So how do I deal with him when I see him daily and he snubs me. I felt that rush of ” I’m alive” when I heard from him after many Abusive contacts, over and over, until his final blow, now I started NC. How do I ignore him. This just provokes him into being very mean.
Four years for me also. Now his new supply gets an earful of me. Just like it started with me. Ohhhh I felt so sorry for him. How could a gal treat such a perfect wonderful guy so badly I thought !! Now he’s using me for his new supply. Right under my face. How do I deal and not miss him? Little reminders of how toxic a man he is helps. That final blow helps. Also, the silly thought that’s yes, he’s going even crazier without me. He couldn’t get through a day wo contact. The bitterness in me is over whelming. I care to much as I would for any other person. I read once that I shouldn’t change how I am. Just close my boundaries to abusive, hateful people. I never met a NPD. I am amazed at the similarity. We have got to be talking about the same guy ! They all must if read the same book on NPD.
So how do I deal.
I wish there were more about female narcissists. I”m a very sensitive and gentle and giving man trying to put my life back together and come to terms with the firestorm of my 2 year whirlwind with a female narcissist. Yes, pretend and real. I agree. I’m completely addicted to what the pretend “her” shared with me and what I felt when it was right. Sex, closeness, acceptance, intimacy. The very things that evaporated and became tools or control and crushing aggression. I’ll never be the same, one day I hope I’m better and stronger for it. I think I will but don’t know how to get from here to there. Let go of the desire for that delicious closeness. Thank you for your postings.
David, it’s been a year. How did you handle staying away from her? I’m 90 days nc, but feel like you did and I’m devastated. Thanks for any advice. C
Same here..wish there were more info on female Narcs.. I have been on NC for over 2 1/2 months, she ended it actually. Ive been beating myself up wondering what could I do to make it better but it looks like according to what i read there is no way to fix the situation.My friends say she did me a favor by leaving and I should take the hint and never go back. We have had periods where we would stop talking but 5,6 months later we would be back together. Mine you we have been talking for 13 years now. I guess she found a new supplier.
Im trying to resist the urge to buy her flowers or a new bag to win her back. Its been very tough and it isnt getting any easier.
It WILL. 6 mos NC…youll feel better. 12 mos NC youll feel A LOT better. 24 mos NC…NEW LIFE. Trust the veterans. Its all good but staying clean in the beginning is key. You can get support at local domestic violence or a really good Narc therapist!
hello – I am going to start with this post to see how my name shows up here. My annonymity is very important and the need to stay safe is even more so.
okay – now I can say what I need to say. I would like to first reply to Donna’s post and the last thing that she wrote – “I plan to play with his head”. Donna the worst thing you can do is mess with a narcisist because they are like a ball balancing on the edge of psychopath. They can get physically abusive. Please remember they have no empathy and you are the narcisistic supply that they are loosing. Please be careful.
When I finally wokeup and realized something was wrong and that this relationship was toxic I started searching the net for information on :”toxic relationships” and that’s when I stumbled upon this personality disorder called “Narcisism”.
I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a man who I called my friend. It stared out as a friendship and so much that has been said here on this website is what has happened to me throughout those 7 yrs. Now I am working very hard to separate from this friendship. The reason why I found this website here is because I am feeling the need after 2 weeks of removing myself 100% from the situation to contact him. Instead I am finding these types of forums to speak about him instead of to him. I am keeping it green so I don’t forget what I have been thru and know that I am not alone in it.
I can’t say too much more about myself personally because the Narcisist that I am recovering from is also a drug abuser (which many N’s are because they have an extreme addictive streak) and is doing what many narcisists do, engaging in dangerous activites and feels he is above the law. He is having fantasies of getting even with someone else that abandoned him and he made the mistake of telling me of his dangerous thoughts. That was my red flag. Then 2 weeks ago when I said no to his request to help him with something he started calling me that person’s name saying that I was just like them. So the threat became my reason to stand firm but I have to be very careful. He is now that ball teetering on the edge of psychopath.
I truly believe that we are victims of past narcicists, those people who when we were growing up we needed to raise us; and/or if we grew up in alcoholic or codependent households. We are prime targets for a narcisist because we don’t know any different. That’s why it takes so long to figure out that we have been had. I can’t focus on all the years I’ve wasted – I am looking to the future and all the things I can now do and hopefully not fall into this trap ever again. It is giving me a new life with so much to look forward to as long as I keep vigilant and not let him back in.
hi all it’s been two weeks and I’ve managed to not make any contact but it’s been really hard.
I’m at two weeks also and I can really empathise with you, it is so very hard but I intend to succeed…
Julie
I am 3 months out and still struggle with No Contact. I know it is the best thing for me but it is hard to accept that pretend guy is simply a disguise he pulled out to keep me around. I keep thinking I didn’t do enough but isn’t that what they want??…They convince us that THEY are the center of the universe and as such the problem is not of their making, or at least it is not all of their making…..self serrving to the extreme.
Hi. I noticed you were two weeks in and that was years ago. I’m two weeks in currently and would like to hear from u. I’d like to know it does get better!
Just recently I have been forced to deal with/cut off an incredibly terrible narcissist, my fiancé’s friend. She is the herpes narcissist! She refuses to have personal accountability, never is wrong, cannot loose at anything, will ignore everyone else’s feelings or needs to satisfy herself. And worst of all will justify the mistreatment of others, constantly making it seem that they “deserved it” or “made her do it”. Constantly stating that others are the aggressors, that she is innocent. How do I deal with this person? I am for now ignoring her.
I’ve been in a 14 month on/off rollercoaster ride with a Narcissist. He graduated from college with honors, is athletic, and is so charming. He works with children and volunteers coaching. He has parents that are well-known in the community. He’s had the same group of friends since 6th grade. My question is, do these other people know that he’s a Narcissist and just protect him or are they not subjected to the same treatment that I am? Is he able to be a Narcissist to those he dates and “normal” to people he works with, goes to school with, lives with? His mother refuses to talk to me because I brought to her attention a devastating lie that he told me about his father being in a coma (which he was not) in order to only see me after visiting hours (10 p.m.) for a full month. Incidentally, my own father had never came out of a coma and died. It’s all so confusing to me. He calls me a “sneak” for checking up on him (on public websites/facebook) and asking people questions about his life. He has told me over a dozen times that I should believe him stating, ” I have no reason to lie to you, not ever.” When I bring up instances that I know he is lying about (fact checked on websites, facebook postings, etc.) he’s told me, “It creeps me out how you conjure up these thoughts that I’m lying to you and deceiving you. I just don’t have time to even entertain the notion.” He is famous for keeping me waiting (up to 4 hours) but will text message me the entire time and not cancel. When I call things off, he waits for a safe “cooling off” period then sends me messages like, “You talk to me the perfect way. You know me so intimately, in a way that no one can touch. You’re sweet as an angel and fun. I just love everything about you.” or “You’re worse than a drug baby
I can’t be without you. I’ve tried and you’re too much of a good thing and amazing woman xoxo in every sense of the word.” When I bring up issues that we are having and then ask if he’s willing to do something different to resolve the conflict he responds, “You’re not asking for anything I can’t do baby.” However, in a day, few days, nothing has changed and he’s not followed-through with the request. When I ask him about things that I have found to be lies he responds, “I’m sorry that I don’t dignify the accusations with a response it’s just a waste of my time to play ‘he said she said’ with you or anyone for that mater. I do love you.” He refuses to take responsibility and will turn the problem on me, sometimes even using my own words, to mean something different then how I implied it. At times I feel like I’m going crazy – that it’s like a complete drug withdrawal – each time that we are apart. I don’t know how to get through the rough painful periods and end up giving in and going back only to be treated worse each time. I wish there was more information on how to be able to have “NO CONTACT” when you’re heart wants the “him he tells you he is going to be” more than anything in the world.
Wow so I so understand your situation and your questions. It makes no sense that we even want answers regarding these jerks but here we are needing answers because this is more than our brain can handle alone. I am so grateful for this site and I’m so grateful you told your story because it prompted me to tell mine below. Of course I went on and on and on… I wasn’t planning on writing it. I never expected to have it all come flying out. I look at how long it is and cringe.
I wish I had the answers to your questions for you; they are my questions too. I have a lot more of course as I’m sure you do too. But what I’m gathering from this site, we will never have the answers bc we’re trying to make sense of the senseless…. I hope someone has the right words for us. It helps…at least for a little while… And then more questions creep in.
So those of you who can, please, please, give us the aanswers to those question so we can have something to hold on to, to understand, to make sense. Even if it is senseless.
I was lucky as Pretend guy went away for a weekend and shaved his beard shaved his hair supershort and waxed his body and came back looking feeling and speaking like a completely different robotic unloving person who did not want to touch me…it was disturbing but at least now when I see him I do not see Pretend guy he is ugly now.
I just stumbled across your article. I have been with my Narcissist for close to eight years. A part of those out years he spent a few months in a mental health home were he was treated. After an event with his mother which resulted in him being taken there by force (police were involved) I learned he was a Narcissist after psych evaluation.
At Christmas he dropped the pretend guy act, I noticed a few days prior he was slowly going into psychosis. He was all loving one minute and because I said no to his request he showed his real self. The atmosphere was cold and he didn’t really want to bother with me. Yet as we exchanged gifts in front of family he in fact gave me “fake” kiss. Actually I got the gift tag which reads to my Joanny from My Heart. Which he only wrote the day before Christmas.
By boxing the Narcissist showed his full force and he attacked me in many ways in my own bedroom at my parents house. My beloved’s whole psyche had changed, his face became a demon’s and his voice had squeaks and was very high. Spittle was coming from his mouth as he filithy words came out of his mouth. Because I screamed my mother heard me and ran to the door asking what was going on. Narcissist choked me and I managed to call out to my mother who stepped in. Finally he left and there is another whole story there.
I just couldn’t take it any more. This was the second Christmas he ruined because I said no to his disgusting requests. It just confuses me why weeks even months he can be the most sweetest guy around. Yet he morphs into the Demon of the Narcissist at snap of the fingers.
To say the least I think the relationship is over, we have not contacted each other since the events happened. I do miss him, I miss the pretend sweet funny gorgeous Narcissist. I don’t miss the demon.
My first reaction to reading AvaMarieSophia’s story was to start yelling out loud, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” over and over and over. I would literally gasp at some parts – yes, suck in air loudly and unexpectedly – because it was HIM. It was ME. How can she be so dead on? How did she know? How did she repeat the same lines he told ME? Could it be? Could it actually be true that my N wasn’t different and a little better than the others I read mostly about? You mean, she had one like mine too? AvaMarieSophia was a but different than the other stories with similar behavior but not exactly like my N. She exposed more of the “Baby, you are my everything…you know me like no one else…no one has ever been able to handle me or understand me like you can. You are the perfect girl. You really are perfect for me.” You heard more of THAT then the “You make me sick. You need to be ____ or ____.” Noooo, I was perfect ALWAYS.
You see, the stories I’ve read here and on other sites described more about their N’s abusiveness than about the promises, assurances of love, and the bait to keep me and not discard me like those others did. That’s what made MY Narc different. Yes, he too was indeed a Narc but…he loved me more & THAT is why I wasn’t really verbally or physically abused. However (taking a shameful breath now) I know why I wasn’t as abused and it wasn’t because he loved me more than them. Deep down I know exactly why. Wanna know? He didn’t abuse me as badly because we were a long distance relationship. From these stories I have been reading, I have come to realize that I gave him that “Peter Pan’s Never Neverland” longer than most. He could pull me off the shelf when he wanted keeping me believing he was making me his priority, when in fact he was using me for the best fix ever.
I know now, because of the help from these stories, that I was the best because he could do so much without me seeing his ugliness or the truth that he wasn’t in a meeting, he wasn’t doing his expenses for hours, going to the movies with his brother, on a long audition for a movie, working on his art, or hanging with his buddies (the few he had) at the bar watching the game. He wasn’t really aching for me like he led me to believe while doing all the things I just mentioned. It was easy to fool me because of our East Coast/ West Coast time difference, combined with not actually being able to see he wasn’t where he said he was. I truly believed those meetings existed. I couldn’t actually see that he wasn’t really in a suit holding a briefcase with a bunch of big wigs. If I was actually there at that time, I would have instead seen him in his casual clothes holding hands with the other fools falling for his charisma. I would have been in his bed waiting for him to come home and, instead of believing the poor guy was so exhausted he fell asleep and slept all night, I would have been aware he wasn’t asleep in his bed at all, and accusing him of banging some bar whore or that other girlfriend he had for 3 months he forgot to mention. If I saw and started accusing, I would have ruined his magical world of love and his unlimited tank supplier. I would be like the others who were abused because I would be more confrontational and inject demands, accusations and “nagging” into our Neverland of Perfection. I was the best, not because I was so adored, but because I made his honeymoon last longer. What a catch I was! I was sooooo easily manipulated. Damn.
The first time that “other girl” came to light was 9 months into our ah-freakin-maaazing relationship. He convinced me “J” was nuts and obsessed with him. When she emailed me she was shocked to learn I wasn’t the stalker! When she read the loving texts, the heartfelt adoration emails he sent me constantly, she was shell shocked. She told me he told her he wanted to marry her and move in. Ohhhh how my N and I laughed at this girl’s delusion. “Yea right, like I would ever tell her I loved her and wanted to marry HER! hahahaha You are the only one I love. Yes, I did like her attention and I did Skype with her kinda and saw her when she came to CA but….it was nothing like she is claiming. Baby, I broke it off and she is mad. I broke it off for you. I want you. You are the perfect girl for me. I will never doubt us again.” HA! I WON! He loves ME more, bitch. So…I stayed. I believed he would never make such a horrendous mistake again. He said he wouldn’t. We still had our love. Our long distance romance. We would be together forever. Bonded. He was waiting for me.
Narc begged me to leave the job he knew I loved in NYC. That was one of the many things he loved about me…I was so compassionate and giving. I loved working in the inner-city because I made a difference. But still, HE needed me more than underprivileged kids. Quit…please! He wanted me to leave my best friends who are like my family. He envied my close knit circle of friends. He understood how hard it would be to leave my life there but…”Come here and marry me. Quit your job. You can get certified to teach here. Or don’t work…I can support you. Come live with me. We are perfect. You know me and can handle me like no other. You love me unconditionally. You are it for me.” It took him a year and a half for me to decide he is right. So, I made plans to stay a month in August. We could start the ball rolling. Begin the process of getting my CA teaching license. I could be with him in bliss for a month this time and go back in time for the new school year and then continue with the frequent school break visits.
So exciting, right? Yea, it was. I was gonna do it. Until that email arrived 8 months after the painful mistake he made with “J” 9 months into our relationship. This email wasn’t from “J” though. This one was from “K’s” best friend. The best friend who saw through her BFF’s new boyfriend. He was so in love with “K” for the last 3 months. He even flew to meet her family in…(wait for it)…in NEW YORK. Excuse me? Huh? Oh jeez, what a bunch of crap. Doesn’t she KNOW how much this man loves me? What a joke. Liar. Another psycho wanting my committed lover. Um, except for the pictures that accompanied it. There they were. Lovingly together. Oh the happiness shown in vivid color. OMG. I vomited. Literally. The best friend told me she exposed not just ME. *What?!!!* OMG. More? Yes. He also was pursuing that girl “J” long distance. “J” was fooled into believing he dumped ME back in August. She didn’t go back to him at first. He apparently texted her begging but she wouldn’t believe him. She was mean. But, she caved in April. Sadly, it was the same time he was getting serious with “K”. He had been begging her to Skype, begging for her to know he loved her and never stopped. Sending sexts (doubt as good as ours always were, right? Ouch) and naked pix of herself.
Crushed we all were.
I emailed with “K”. She was a mess. He told her he loved her after only 2 weeks. She was skeptical but he promised “When you know…you know” (HE SAID THAT TO ME! – Ouch this still hurts as I type it. Damn.) He told her a lot of things verbatim to what he said to me. (*Getting choked up here, folks. My head still can’t grasp this. It’s been almost 7 months of NC and still I can’t grasp it. Ok, let me continue.) I flipped. She flipped. HOW did you talk with ME while you were away with her for a weekend? He managed. She screamed “What were you gonna do with ME when Julia was here for a MONTH” He replied he hadn’t thought that far ahead..he was just happy I was coming for a month. (WOW! You SAY that to your other “gf”?)
Ok, the jig was up. So, he got mean to “K”. Told her if she contacted me again he would leave her at the airport. She had gone to visit family. She needed time to think after learning about “J” – only to find out about ME while away (“Julia” the love he said he had the hardest time leaving but, alas, he would. He told her that…lie. He was never leaving his Tinkerbell in Neverland. Shocker.) But, he would “leave” her at the airport? Why wasn’t she driving herself? Well, HE had dropped her off at the airport because her car was at HIS place…Why? Because they practically lived together. WHAT??? (*Getting shaky here now, guys. Bringing back a lot.)
Ok, so he was mean to “K” and begging in hysterics for me. She knew it. It killed her. We still compared notes. He lied. I still wanted to believe but I knew it was not going to work. He demanded I still come in August or he was done with me. When I refused to commit he got angry. We fought. I lost my pride and called him like a psycho nut. Over and over – a disgusting weakling I morphed into. I couldn’t believe it. Wait, he was mad at ME?? So I finally texted “If u want me to leave than say the word.” His text back? It was just one word. “Leave.”
Call me naive but I reallllly don’t think he expected me to. I believe he wanted me to beg him to not be mad & that I would agree to come there as planned. Instead I wrote an email with digs about his need for women and alcohol to make him feel like a man. That he needs to win so “go ahead and say you left me. Say what you want; I don’t care. You said ‘Leave’ and I only need to hear that word once.” I think I said more but I can’t tell you because I don’t remember and I can’t go read it again because after I sent that email I deleted my email account. Gone. No more. I then went to FB. I deactivated my account. I went on to Verizon.com and had my phone cancelled. I saved all my contacts to an old phone I had and took that phone I had and snapped it in two. I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t hope to see that red blinking light and keep watch for it like an addict looking for a drug dealer. I snapped it. I threw it in the garbage. I fell to my knees and sobbed. I vomited. But…I did it. I cried all the time. I talked about him to my friends until they wanted to choke me. I obsessed. I missed him and shockingly I still do but it has lessened immensely.
And then, after 5 months I slipped a bit, activated my FB, and checked his page. Yes, it’s set to private but…I could see the picture at the top and there it was. A pic of him and “K”!!!!!!!!!! SHE WENT BACK!!! I couldn’t believe it. She said she would never. She said he was mentally sick. She said….she said…SHE SAID SHE WOULDN’T. She went back. He won? Now she thinks he loved her more? OMG, was I really thinking like this? Who won? A game? Yes.
So, WHY would I care about that or him if he was such a dog to me? Why? Because, as I have learned for these invaluable blogs, I want the Pretend Guy back. I want that high that I had when I was “with” him. I can’t seem to remember the abuse. I mean, there was a little. He was verrrrry moody. He had bad moods but…I was the only one who could get him out of them. He was nasty sometimes. Got pissed off easily. He disappeared a lot even though he promised he wouldn’t do that. He would try better though. He didn’t mean to. He would infuriate me when he vanished for no reason but…I forgave easily. We used to talk for hours. I mean marathon convos that, looking back, were ALL about him. Totally 99.9% HIM. No joke. I liked it though. I loved fixing him; helping him; mothering him; loving him. I loved being his world and his air to breathe. Although I do remember crying quite a bit…but I forget why. Was there more abuse? I am not sure. I don’t seem to remember any. (STOP LAUGHING! I can hear you!)
Ok, I just told my whole story with many facts and details missing whether due to the convenient forgetfulness or tired fingers from typing. I’m sure you could fill in the blanks easily though. Sounds like N’s are cookie cutters for the most part. Now that I wrote it though I am mad. I am mad at how deluded I can still be. If I heard anybody else tell this story I would be sickened. I would look at them like they were spineless idiots who lacked self worth. How unfair and judgmental I would be. But, understandably so considering what my story sounds like. Now that I see my story in black and white. It is nauseating. HE is disgusting. But, deep inside there is still a poison he injected that misses that high and warm fuzzy feeling I remember. Damn.
I am also mad because now I am constantly checking their FB pages. Yes, I have NO CONTACT with him but I am realizing it is still holding on. I see that their pic is taken down. Both have taken them off. Does that mean they broke up? Does it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Already the poison that had injected me with is beginning to fester and rear itself. That poison must glow when he is anywhere near me. I need to stop. I know. DAMN. I can’t seem to. I want to know what he is doing. I’m an ass. A real idiot. I will promise you this. I will not, and I mean WILL NOT contact him. I know that for a fact. I know I won’t because I know he will love to hear from me. He will love it because he will get to crush ME instead of me cutting HIM out. Right? Is that correct?
Damn. Got any antibiotics for this infection?
Julia. Just wanted to say thank you for your comment and spilling your heart out on the page. I totally understand where you are coming from. God, they truly seem to come from the same mould with what they say and do. Good on you for being strong and remaining NC. I miss mine too – it’s been two weeks NC and he has done some really vile things in that time. I’ve remained strong though. I’m sorry to hear of what a shitty time you are been through. I agree that ignoring them (even if we do a little facebook stalking) is THE best revenge.
Hi Julia
I felt I must write and thank you for telling your story. It may not be exactly the same as mine, but the feelings it evoked and the way you felt about how you were treated are a mirror image….
“I want the Pretend Guy back. I want that high that I had when I was “with” him. ”
“He wanted me to leave my best friends who are like my family. He envied my close knit circle of friends. ”
“We fought. I lost my pride and called him like a psycho nut. Over and over – a disgusting weakling I morphed into. I couldn’t believe it. ”
I have felt the same and thought maybe I was the only one to put up with such treatment (I feel so ashamed that I let him treat me so poorly AND then begged him to come back !!!). You have really helped me to come to terms with my own feelings and I have printed your comments out to read back to myself when I have a ‘wobble’. Quite a few weeks now of ‘no contact’ and I don’t intend to go back. Thank you Julia.
Reading your post made me sooo happy I blocked my ex and all his friends on Facebook. I knew I would be looking and poisoning myself – I knew that he would do his best to parade new and used supply. It’s been 3 months now and you convinced me that I will never ever look at his pages (yes he has several) – I am going through enough torment to add this to the pain. Facebook is horrible for victims and a great narc tool.
Your story made me bawl and cringe… It is also my story. I felt\ feel exactly what you did. Its disgusting. It hurts.
There was a baby in my story though. Thats what’s most sad.
It’s been almost 18 months after the discard for me , after a 24 years marriage and knowing each other 28 years . I’ve done the no contact , I’ve had healings and counciling sessions . I’m still no better he still controls my thoughts 24/7 randging between revenge for what he did to me and his children and I’m still in love with him ( even though I do know what I thought never existed ). I still wake up every day hoping his new found love and him break up . Some days I’m in so much pain I can hardly work and retreat to my bed . I’ve read everything so I know what to do but I still struggle . How ??? How could you discard children for someone else’s ( I do already know the answer ). My world is like a prison that no one understands .
I have a 19 year relationship with my narc. He is the father of my children. It started out very fun and exciting. He brought so much excitement my way. It didn’t take long to turn tho. One day I said”no” to something that he wanted md to do. I immediately got the silent treatment which was followed by my punishment. He left the house for a couple of days and that would drive me crazy. I couldn’t function when that happened. I would be consumed of where he was or who he was with or even worse, would he leave me got good. I was raising 2 small children. So I tried to do everything right. If he asked me for anyhing I jumped. But I still couldn’t do anything right. I always told people that I had s 50/50 chance of getting it right and I would always get it wrong. My kids and I lived on egg shells. You never knew what kind of mood he would be in. You never knew when the mood would change. This went on for years. He never kept a job for very long. We moved a lot because it was hard to pay the rent. He would buy me gifts and then when I did something wrong he would take it away. I often told him he wasn’t my daddy and stop punishing me. Through the years as the kids got older and eventually moved out things got worse for me. I was feeling as though im “not living”. I’m just going through day to day routines. I never made plans much. He always decided what we were going to do. Then one day my phone was dead and he tried to call me. Since I couldn’t answer he was extremely upset. He moved all his things out of the house including food in the freezer. He went to an ex-girlfriend of his 19 years ago. He told me for the first 5 days he was a roommate. Now they are sleeping with each other. This took place March 9, 2015. He started to contact me in April. We would secretly see each other behind her back. Until he had an argument with her and moved back home. I thought I was happy. But it was awful. I couldn’t do anything but go to work and clean the house. Until 3 weeks later he left me again and went back to her. So please tell me why miss him. What do I miss about him. Why do I want this awful abusive toxic person in my life. I don’t. I want the nice guy in my life. But they are one in the same. They are a package deal. So I stay busy with my kids work and friends. I have a great support group of friends and family. They tell me I have so much value. And that’s what I’m telling you. You are valuable. Yes it hurts. Yes you have a ton of memories. Yes you are comfortable with him. Give yourself time. Go no contact. That’s the only way. Promise yourself everyday in the mirror. Tell yourself you are beautiful and valued. Set your boundaries and don’t let anyone cross them. You will have weak times. You will have sad times. But they will pass. Being the ulterior is worse. Keep your chin up you are worth it!!!!
NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY PEOPLE. You have to be out a year at least and every day gets better…..but in the beginning you don’t KNOW this yet. HANG ON!!!! It DOES happen but you have to let their poison out of you and that takes a while. DONT judge by how you feel today! 6 months from now, and IF you maintain no contact, youll be a different person…whole, sane and normal…again! TRUST ME!!!!!
Dear Leanne,
After a 33 year marriage and 36 year relationship where I believed he was the love of my life I was betrayed and classically discarded after he pushed and pushed (being with the other woman – not coming home till 1 – 2 am in the morning), lying about his whereabouts doing what he wanted when he wanted – irrespective of his family. Taking no responsibility, giving no love – just pain I get where you are. I understand what it is you feel even though your head and knowledge tells you otherwise.
Even though you know you were abused, ill treated, and this man who held those babies in his arms are now discarded, are now accused of crimes they never committed you think you still love him. It has been 6 years since he left (I threw him out and then took him back 3 times) I can still fall into the same mindset knowing it is the myth I created that I miss but feelings are exactly that.
What I found was that it was times I felt down that I became vulnerable. I have to work hard, on a daily basis – self esteem CD,s in the car, positive affirmations, lots of research to remind myself of the insanity that comes with the narcissist.
There is no easy answer. Healing takes a lot of work and a lot of time. How much depends on each individual. Know you are not alone. What you feel and what you are going through is what all survivors of narcissism do. Just know you will be better than OK. Make the choice. There is no better revenge than for you to be strong, healthy, moving on, full of love and happy.
Love and strength to you.
Emma
Narcissists are ALL the same. Guess what, mine died. And I’m lucky, because it would have gone on way too long. He even kicked me in the gut from the grave. Saw pics of him and the newest gf. Good riddance, LOSER.
Wow this sounds a lot like my story. Long distance so everything seemed perfect, I had the perfect guy. Looking back there were so many signs but I told myself I needed proof solid proof so there was nothing he could possibly say to make me stay. After two years long distance I moved from the east coast to the Midwest. Within 5 weeks I saw on his friends phone that he was seeing some girl. He said it was just dinner, but to me that was more than enough because I moved my life and friends to be with him so if he wasn’t sure after all those amazing things he would say than something was deeply wrong with him. After he left the house for a few days went through his computer and found screenshots of him and other girls texting about sex. Pics of him and his “suicidal” ex who was molested by her brother and that’s why she had to move back in. (God I was such an idiot to believe he was just being a good guy) then he came back and admitted to bringing girls to the house. Pleading with me he needs help and “we” should see a therapist together. I am an educated woman with a doctorate degree, never in my wildest dreams did I think I could meet someone like this and be fooled. I found out on my birthday, one week later I was back home, though he begged and pleaded for me to stay and go on the annual mission trip together, which I know is because he paid my portion and when I found out he cheated I took my money back, and it is where we met-lol I laugh at how he has all the characteristics of a narcissist. I was offended he could do this and think I would stay! I came home crushed and trying to find answers which is where I found info on npd. All of a sudden he made sense. And all the memories of late nights at work and getting his phone backed up for 4 hrs at Best Buy, just so much BS. After reading No Contact I blocked him completely. My heart hurts for his ex for the current girls who all have kids. But I know I need to stay away from him and contacting any girls, so I can move on and avoid comparing stories which only will drag this out. Let’s be honest if someone would have told me instead of me finding out on my own I would think they were crazy.
It’s been 3 weeks exactly. yesterday for the first time I was able to leave the house by myself and run errands. Instead of only leaving because of forcing myself to make plans with friends. I am blessed I had friends checking up on me and flying in to see me to make sure I’m ok. But then I think of his ex who he turned most of her friends and family against her and she grew up in that town he didn’t. Wow if I would have stayed he would have found a way to smear my name and ruin me as well.
I find it weird that I don’t miss him but I miss the love bombing, the constant feeling of being loved and admired and cherished. The constant “your so beautiful” “your so amazing” “your so special”. That high is what I miss not him because I didn’t know him. I remember one of the last things i said before I left was asking if he was molested as a kid, he got very defensive and said “wow u think I’m that f’d up?!?” To which I replied “for you to say the things you have said to me these last few years and make me move out here to find out you’ve been doing all this behind my back, yes there is something deeply wrong with you because i refuse to believe any normal person would act this way”. Looks like I was spot on.
I wish everyone the strength to stay strong, like my friends tell me don’t be hard on yourself for having a bad day, and never forget your worth. Lastly, in the words of Maya Angelou “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”
Thank you Julia,
Although this post was 3 years ago, I hope you moved on from this heartache by now. I am going through what your were 3 years ago and it’s really difficult and I can relate 95% with your story. I hope I am as strong and can keep no contact. It’s been just a month for me, it’s so hard and I am really struggling thinking about the great times, and amazing chemistry that I have blocked out the times where he arranged to meet and cancelled, or told me he loved me and went off with someone else, and yet kept coming back anything from 2 weeks to 2 months with more sweet talk. So hard!
Oh oh oh noooooo! He is making contact with my best friend thru facebook. I have had no contact with him for a week shy of 7 MONTHS. Never has he contacted my friends. He asked her to call him. I know it’s about me. I know. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I don’t know what he will say. She told him he had an hour to give her good reasons why she should call or else she won’t respond. He might not even see the FB email. Not sure but he hasn’t responded and she is about to block him now. But…but…but what does he want to say?????? Help …. fast!
Don’t do it!! It’s going to be more of the same. My ex has pulled exactly the same stunts, contacting friends (some of which he doesn’t even know), family etc etc. EVERYTHING is with a view of getting you back and securing supply. Hooking you back in. Nothing else. He is not sincere. Do not make the mistake I did of going back, even in the face of utter bastardry. Good luck. You can do this.
After him emailing me several times on FB I finally answered. I wrote………
you’re dead to me
And then I PERMANENTLY deleted my FB page. That means it is deactivated BUT in 14 days it will be deleted….as it if never existed.
I did it! I held tough! What did he want? i don’t know. He said “he knew the truth and it was an emergency” Wth does that mean? I’m curious but screw him. He is…dead to me.
THANK YOU TO THIS PAGE FOR HELP!!!! I COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS!
Hi All,
These really are horror stories and I am sorry for the pain you have gone through.
The thing is there seems to be no real outlet or forum for men. I cant excuse my fellow members for their actions, but I can attest to the fact that there are N woman out there.
My ex, who interestingly had studied psychology is one of those. Not only that, she is the one on medication.
The just apportions labels to everyone else except herself. It is just some kind of reflective mechanism it think for her own insecurities and inability to deal with the past issues in her life. I have been so distressed by her continued put downs, patterns of abuse, cycles etc.
It is so awful the self doubt, that I have had to see a couple of independent psychologists to get second and third opinions on myself. The thing is she readily labels not only myself as an N, but everyone else seems to be the ones with the problems.
The abuse is then turned around to paint herself as the victim and then put on the internet for the world to see. Then unfortunately the “friends” who only see/hear her side of the story then jump on the bandwagon and malign me.
What is worse, she will blame me for contacting friends and family, but has done exactly the same. The hypocrisy just is astonishing.
There is just no right of reply for men. Once it is out there, it is out there. No matter how wonderful they tell you, you are. No matter what you do for them, it is turned around in an instant and then positioned as them being the victim.
There is no responsibility nor consequences for their actions.
Sorry ladies, it is just horrible and guys need a voice too sometimes.
Oh hello, Brad. I mean “Steven”. Nice of you to have gone to so much effort to track me down. Now please run along.
Um, Faye,
I am not sure what you mean? Is this a little too close for comfort for you?
Because all I am doing is using a forum to highlight that men are also put through the N cycle too. So I am miffed that you would come back with something like this when you have been so supportive of the women.
Not sure who Brad is, but sounds like you have a bit of a complex.
But thanks for the support anyway.
Really. Is that how come you know my name is Faye?
At first read I thought u might be paranoid… So I read it again. I think ur right. Funny how he addressed the very things u mentioned to me? Would he actually find u on websites? How? Why? If it is him, what are his hopes? His point? If it’s not him then…oops.
Hello Julia,
Every story says pretty much the same thing about the behaviour of an N on this page. Everyone has agreed that they are all from the same mould. So I don’t understand how someone can then isolate a statement from a male and make it about them if it is all from the same cloth. It amazes me. Unless of course it is too close to the bone. Why else would someone think their self importance was bigger than the site.
I just seems interesting that this person has attacked me for being specific about what I went through, but all of the ladies can say what they like. Maybe Julia, I could also call you lisa and assert you are her, because a large part of the content is exactly what I have been through.
But I did not jump on here and assert you were someone else. It just astounds me that this could happen. It was nothing more than a place to have a voice and now it is some kind of witch hunt. Maybe I should have taken Dave’s position and been economical with the detail and then I wouldn’t have had replies like this. So Julia, if I called you someone else and effectively belittled your pain, how would you react?
Oh it’s him alright Julia. He used my name, I know his language, I know his modus operandi.
I believe he must have put keystroke software on my laptop to know that I was even on this site (only discovered it a few days ago). I know he’s done it before to others. There is so much more I could say, but instead I’ll simply let the restraining order do the talking.
Paranoia abounds. Are you listening to yourself? This is exactly what my ex sounded like. Delusional in the extreme. The self importance is amazing. So only women have to deal with N’s. un believable.
Faye,
Are you serious? It says….Faysie. Therefore Faye is not too much of a stretch it? Assumption perhaps?
Wow, you do have a complex. Is it you who is indeed the narcissist? You are alleging I am someone else and make this all about you. So are your stories a reflection of you?
I thought this forum was about support. But it maybe just because I am a male perhaps and we are not allowed to have a voice?
You’re going to get yours, Steven.
Hi, Steven. Of course there are female narcissists, and they can be just as destructive as their male counterparts. Do you have personal experience with a narcissist, of either gender?
Are you here to harass anyone? If so, bugger off. If not, you’ll want to know that you’re being a bit of a jerk, and you need to back off and apologize, and then you’re welcome share in the support.
Why don’t you drop me a line? alexandranouri@gmail.com.
I’m glad u said that. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Wondering if maybe this guy is real or isn’t. Which brought up the feelings of “Is it me?!” Which is a feeling I am trying to get over. There is something accusatory with Steven’s posts. Different than others who are white knuckling through this freakin heartbreak/ache. It’s just different. It has nothing to do with female N. We know, of course they exist. His post was so defensive and sounded like a eprimand or show disgust for this site for not talking more about female N? I’m so confused by it. It freaks me out.
What is wrong with you lot?
It is ok for you to put up your experiences but not a male?
What do I need to back off for? I am now being told I am going to “get mine” from someone I dont even know! Julia, your experiences are different to mine and perhaps your writing style is different. But do you think you are reading too much into this?
All I wanted to do was to have an outlet and say the things that happened to me. But then I get complete vitriol.
Do you really think this is being supportive, or is it because i am male, and we are not allowed to have these experiences.
It has nothing to do with your gender. Your prickly tone wouldn’t be welcome if you were a female, either. I’m very sorry you feel attacked, Steven. You’re welcome to talk about the things that have happened to you. Try to stick to that. The defensive, attacking, gender-focused stuff is turning out to be triggering and hurtful for people, which, as someone recovering from toadcraft yourself, you certainly don’t want to do. Again, email me if you want some support, guidance, or feedback about what’s going on here. alexandranouri@gmail.com
Hi Alex,
I have sent to you an email as discussed. How could I not have a prickly tone? I have been attacked!
I put up my experience and then someone is telling me I am someone else and then I am going to get mine!. Does that make me prickly? perhaps. Why cant either you or Alex see that this person is accusing and now threatening me and I dont even know who they are.
So yes, I am now slightly defensive. Maybe you should ask Faysie to behave and not be so aggressive, accusing and paranoid. She may have been burnt, but so have many other people, including me.
I just wanted to post my experience. As I said, everyone else has said they are from the same mould. So when I put my story up i get this. So how else do I react?
Ok, enough. Let’s not get dramatic. Ur acting like she made a terroristic threat. “You’ll get yours” is not even threatening. Perhaps we have different views but I find even ur dramatics upsetting. This is bringing up so much for me and I am asking u to please stop. Please. I’m sorry if u were accused. Sorry if it was a huge problem for u but ur posts to Faye and to me are the least of my worries. Wanna know why? Because my heart hurts. I walk around smiling and acting happy with my students and colleagues when I feel pressure behind my eyes bc they are acting as dams to keep my tears from pouring out. I walk around with a hurt in my heart and a pit in my stomach that physically hurts. I text my therapist between classes trying to understand this freakin lunacy of missing a son of a bitch narc! Missing a jerk who has 7 out of 8 signs and he is only 27 yrs old… He is just warming up. He is a poster boy for NPD. And what do I do? I love him??? I miss him and I ache to have the bastard back in my life? He fed me loving compliments, made me feel wonderful, special, no one else like me… All why banging broads and tellin 2 others he loves them too…etc etc etc….And this is normal? Normal for me to miss something like that? You, Steven, are asking me how I would feel if you called me Lisa? A narc? A threatening abuser? I’m sorry but I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. I also wouldnt care if Faysie accused me of being Brad. I’d tell her Im not and hope she’d figure it out but I wouldn’t become bent out of shape & I certainly wouldn’t jump to the idea that its all bc ur a male. Really? I don’t know how something so minor as being called Brad & “insulted” on a forum by someone u don’t know is causing u to be so horrified. Me? Well I can’t feel anything but numbness! I feel a hole that is only beginning to heal bc of the help by everyone here; their stories are invaluable. I choose to hang on tight to them & learn. And if i dont like one of them, I skip it. This site has helped me tell my narc, who I’ve had no contact with for 7 months, who shockingly contacted me last night, that he is dead to me…. right before deleting my FB account that I foolishly reactivated. I held on to what I learned. I listened. I know that I could never beat this narc before… But I did now. I did. THAT is what I am doing here. I’m not here to hear this bullshit about males vs females, boo hoo I’m misunderstood. If that makes me an insensitive bitch then ok. If it makes me a self centered, self absorbed female N then fine. Call me anything u want. Go ahead & vent about ur narc, ur feelings or story. Just please, please stop talking about ur victimization from a poster . It makes me cringe bc I have dealt with the victim… Who was a Narc in disguise. We all have here. The last thing I wanna read is about ur feelings being hurt bc of a POST. It’s not empowering or helpful. If something like a post offends u, are u sure u ever met a narcissist? If u had, an anonymous accusation would be fart in the wind next to what a narc can do. So please, if u can’t contribute to helping real victims then chalk this site up to being sexist paranoid crazies and move on. If not, then drop it already. Please.
Julia,
I am so sorry for your pain. I truly understand it. I love my N too, but there is no going back. Ever. The pain just has to be worked through. So as a point of therapy, I thought this forum would be useful.
I would also like you to understand it from my perspective. I came on here simply to have an outlet like you. Putting it in writing is new to me, so I have found it even more confronting when someone has just attacked out of the blue.
Instead, I have been set upon. I mean all N’s are the same, I just wanted to share my experience and someone has decided instead of being supportive to take to me with some kind of unwarranted and unsolicited attacks. And I am not too sure, but I would say that a lot of what I said isnt just about one person. You yourself have said about fb and everything else. But somehow this is about her??? How is that possible? How does that make sense?
It was supposed to be a sanctuary where you could say what your thoughts were. Instead, someone with an axe to grind and a lot of anger decided to pick on me for no good reason.
Furthermore, Alex has then said this is my fault and there has been no censuring of Faye. Can you see my point as to why I may be prickly?
Again, Julia, I am sorry for your pain.
Steven, enough. From your first post, you’ve been far more concerned with the gender of the people here and taking up the gauntlet, than you have been with toads, or support, or healing. Focus on your own story, offer support to others, hang out. But the jumping down people’s throats ends now. I mean it. If you have any more to say about this site or the people on it, keep it within emails to me.
Any more bullshit gets deleted and blocked.
Thank you for your input Alex and Julia, I appreciate it.
Thank you for the articles, they have been my primary source of support these past few weeks. Briefly, I’m 50. I’m still very slim and gorgeous, a warm person, I was divorced only two years ago, met N on match.com. He was wild about me, he had been in two ten-year relationships w a child each, and I later found he was verbally abusive and spiteful. He begged me to move in to his home, a small, imaculate home. He was crazy about clean, he would find a crumb on the kitchen floor, hold it up and proclaim “someone got crumbs ALL OVER the floor.” I would pop the crumb in the waste basket and problem solved. He insisted I was a walking tornado, who needed to be supervised at all times lest I destroy everything in my path. he would tolerate no sign of my presence in the house, my belongings must be put in their place at all t imes, he would take my things and “put them away”. He allowed no food or cooking in the house, too much mess. He eats fast food every meal. He allows no guests in the house, ever. Only in the party garage, which is carpeted and also spotless. I wanted to personalise HIS house but no way. He flat out refused to change his home in any way.
He began to withold sex and affection. I would get huggy kissy and he stood there and TOLERATED it, untill I got the message. If I asked for sex, he would get angry, so of course I pretended it was OK to go to sleep week after week with no sex. he had me trained to accept the insane idea that a sexless relationship is no big deal.
Naturally, as a normal woman, I rebelled, and was repeated called vile names. If I took a nap I was “Lazy.”, ( he does not nap), My job had an hour lunch, so I only got paid for 37.5 hours a week instead of 40 hours. He would say nastily, that I dont even work 40 hours, how could I ever be tired?? what a jerk, I worked a very demanding job at a major law firm, a job that only a brainiac could obtain and keep. but he called me stupid, lazy, pimple face, fat (I’m 120), boring, no one likes me, insane, nuts, etc.
So cruel, he punished me constantly. He kicked me out one Wednesday evening when he asked had I looked at apartments, he knew I was a big girl enough to get out. When I honestly said yes, I did stop on the way home from work to look at an apartment, he went to play darts at a friends and said “dont be here when I get back. ”
So I left. that was a whole year ago. I tried to keep him because I liked his athletic body. but it didnt work, the verbal abuse was constant. He said I have nothing to offer him. I realize now that he stopped loving me and got over me while still demanding I meet his needs as his girlfriend, ”
We were together for a couple of weeks around christmas. One day I phoned him saying “you have not said I love you to me lately.” He SHOUTED back at me: IM NOT GONNA SAY I LOVE YOU EVERY DAY!!!! In a whiny, loud tone, very hurtful. He has never, ever said I’m sorry for his words. Ever.
Reading these article I have figured out a few things.:
1. I hadnt admitted it was over, so I did. I stopped the constant mental reasoning.
2. Hes not going to miss me much, has already gotten over me and thinks I can be replaced.
3. Resist the urge to text or call be cause he broke up with me and wants it that way.
4. He does not have the brain skills to be intimate, or care, or be sorry, or realized he was cruel. So going over the past is truly a waste.
5.If I start to miss him, It is a false emotion, meaning the brain craves something during a time of hurt, but the craving is not for him, it is for some comfort.
6. Most importantly, to take my own word for it: He will hurt you, even if I remeber the good times, take my own word for it, I was there, he will destroy you if you contact him.
Any other advice for me?? I have been no contact for six weeks.
At some point when I heal more, I will figure out what I need to learn from this.
I’m still trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from this experience. I ask God all the time “what did all that have to happen for?”
On and off for five years… Curtain call after curtain call… I want ya’ll to know. These sites have saved me… I always trued to keep it so we are at least friends but I have completely let go of that concept this time. I GET IT! I don’t want to be friends either and that has helped me emmensly….. Thank you all for sharing tour stories. And Falsyie “that had the be brad by the way” aka Steven… I knew right off the bat it was him….fricken sick Narc!
They condition us hopefully they think to accept crap no sex etc
Your way to smart for this dude trust me , im older also mine was younger
Yes def no contact i stood up to mine i wouldnt recommend it , the anxiety
After was hell i thought i was really going to get it , was so much mind work
Did not think he was ever going to let me go so i had to make sure i was
No longer an option later on , im not an option ! Its twisted he had nothing to offer you!!!! A gorgeous 50 yr old women and i can tell you are gorgeous!!
I hate to admit that I miss him. I understand what he is (he has ALL the signs of a narcissist), but I still miss Pretend Guy. He convinced me that I could trust him, he gained my trust in many ways and told me he would love me and my daughters, and then dumped me. He said although I was perfect for him and I was the woman he’d like to be with, he couldn’t share me with my own children. It was heartbreaking.
I can’t help but wonder whether it hurts him to have left me. That would somehow be comforting. I mean, until the last minute he said I was great, but he couldn’t accept not having me all to himself (his words). Do you suppose in his own twisted way it hurts him to know he won’t be with a woman he thought he wanted because he couldn’t accept my kids?
Hi, Alive,
I wanted to respond to you, because I went through the same thing with my Ex being jealous of my relationship with my daughter. I dated him for about 6 months, before we committed to a relationship and moved in together. It was great. We had a mini family. My daughter, 12 at the time, lived with us full time, and his son was with us every other weekend and every Wednesday. We moved in to our little condo in May, right before summer vacation started for my daughter. Well… it was all fun and games during the summer. We lived on the beach, so we had alot of BBQs with friends (my friends – he had none of his own) and our kids. We never had any problems, except for when my daughters dad would call to talk to me. Mind you, all of our conversations were regarding our daughter. He did not want me talking to my Ex husband! Other issues came about, when I had to drive my daughter to her friends house, or take her shopping, or anything – If I did not include HIM. I explained that she’s a teenager, and she needs mommy daughter time. It’s important to me. I didn’t have that when I was younger. None of my explanation mattered. He would throw a fit, literally, like a damn 5 year old when all I was trying to do was be a good mom. Needless to say, it was ok for him to take his son to the beach or shopping or the park, and not include me. Actually, I was ok with that, especially because that mean I was free to take my daughter somewhere with out having to fight with him. How sad is that!?!!!
Fast forward to September, when school started. Well, my daughter is a straight A, honor student. She has a lot of homework and is taking very hard classes. The first time she asked me to quiz her for a test she was preparing for, I saw Real Guy come out full speed! First of all, I told him, my daughter needs help studying, so I’m going to quiz her. I’ll be in her room for a bit. He made a sigh and said ok. Not even 15 minutes in to our studying, he’s in our bedroom, which is directly upstairs from my daughters, pacing and talking to himself!!! (we could here him) He was throwing a huge fit, saying stuff like, “Oh, Ok, leave me sitting here by myself, b%&ch!” and crazy stuff like that. I was beside myself! My daughter looked at me with a sad look and said, “go ahead, I can do this myself.” Of course I stayed to help her, as his crazy talk continued upstairs. UGH. I was mortified! Well, this went on the entire school year. We got into a huge fight one night because my daughter went to a school function and I went to pick her up. He was complaining that I always have to leave to pick her up and she should find her own ride! I explained that she’s a teenage girl and I feel more comfortable taking her and picking her up myself… That night, the neighbors called the cops, because he was yelling so loud and throwing things around and they were affraid he was hurting me or my daughter. I can tell you that more than half of our fights (which were alot) had to do with the things I did for my daughter.
He told me that she was spoiled. I do too much for her. I spend too much money on her (she was 14 when he said that AND she had a part time job – He had no job)… REALLY??!!! He would complain that I let her stay out too late (Nope), I shouldn’t let her guy friends come over the house (why not, they are friends!?), she was disrespectful (She’s very respectful) and she took advantage of me (HE DID!) There’s so much more, but I’m sure you get the jist of it.
So, from my experience, in addition to him not wanting to share you, because you are in fact HIS prize possession, he is jealous of the unconditional love and attention that you give to your children. As we learn, Narcs are the way they are because of a childhood trauma and mostly has to do with their mother. They were either smothered with love, or deprived of it. In my case, my Ex Narc’s dad abandoned him and his mother when he was a baby. She married an alcoholic, abusive, Narcissist, who not only physically and psychologically abused her, he also physically and psycologically abused my Ex Narc throughout his childhood. His mother was so traumatized and broken by her husband, she had nothing left to give her own child. His mother and stepfather went on to have 3 other boys, but the abuse continued to be stressed upon my Ex as he was the oldest, and step-son.
It’s a sad story. He was emotionally abandoned by his own mother as a very young child. He was abused by his stepfather. He was a lost little boy, and because of this, he despises my daughter, because she is happy and loved. He always said he loved her and would take a bullet for her, but that, to me, is just his ego saying to me, “I am man… I will protect pricess.” Didn’t have anything to do with loving her and didn’t have anything to do with loving me.
I hope that makes some sense. I kinda babbled, I know, I do that sometimes
Hi, Shellz.
Thanks for your response. It’s a very sad story, but it’s good to see you have so much clarity and I’m glad to hear your daughter was spared from an awful situation. While I was reading I kept thinking that this would’ve probably been my story too, had I moved in with my Narc. He would’ve probably started to compete with my kids for my affection or to resent them for being there. I never got as far as you did, because I wanted to be really sure he was a good guy before I introduced them to him. In hindsight, I suspect something told me I should wait, and now I’m glad I did. At first he sounded really interested in meeting them (“they’re your kids: I’m going to love them”), but gradually his attitude shifted, I sensed jealousy, until that final blow came. It was all or nothing, he said… so clearly, nothing could be done, and I must say at the time I was crushed. As a woman with children, I try to be careful about who I get involved with, and what makes me angry is that told him many times what my life was like, what my responsibilities were, and he always said it wasn’t a problem. He made grand plans about us moving in together, about how we would all do so may things together, and he gained my trust completely. I did sense a negative attitude towards other children, like annoyance, or perhaps worse. So maybe this was in the back of my mind all along.
When he finally dumped me, he seemed really sad and broken. He said he wanted me all to himself (which sounded odd to me), he wanted to “give me everything” (?) but he couldn’t stand the idea of sharing me. It all sounded really sick. Now I hear he has gone back to an ex girlfriend he had totally devalued, but I can’t help wondering if it hurts him to have left me. Not that I want him back, don’t get me wrong, because I’ve seen him for what he is. But since he kept insisting that he would’ve wanted to stay with me but just couldn’t, I can’t help wondering whether he suffers at all.
You’re trying to figure out what a narcissist thinks or feels. He’s not normal, he doesn’t think like normal people think and he does not feel emotions or loss like normal people do. Narcissists are empty soles, they have no empathy, they don’t care about anyone but THEM.
I’m sure he misses the attention that you gave him, but he doesn’t miss you as a person. Narcissists are not capable of valuing, missing, wanting, or loving a person. To do any of that, it would involve bonding with them and narcissists are not wired that way. If he is a true narcissist, he doesn’t miss anyone, ever. He misses the attention you gave HIM, the sex you gave HIM, the appearances of being in a couple in front of others made HIM feel important. He feels sorry for HIMSELF that he’s not being taken care of, or coddled, or paid attention to. But only normal people miss other people. To a narcissist, attention is like a drug, and they don’t really care who’s pushing it, as long as the drug makes him feel good. The only time they think about us, their ex’s, is when their current victim is not cooperating and he is feeling narcissistic injury.
I’m not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, but if he’s a narcissist, and you want the truth, then it’s the only truth there is. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who loves you, unconditionally, the entire package – you and your children. Good luck in everything you do. xoxoxo.
Hi, Shellz, and thanks again.
I suppose at some point one has to stop wondering what they feel and just accept them for who they are. And you’re right, these people are not normal and we can’t suppose they have normal feelings. It is amazing how much they can hurt other people, though! But understanding helps a lot in order to recover.
What you say sounds reasonable: he may miss what I did for him and how I made him look (in retrospect, he always used to say that he was proud that people knew we were a couple, because people liked me! I took it as a compliment then but… it’s such a twisted way of thinking!). So I guess it’s OK with me if he suffers a little, even if it’s not because of normal reasons.
Still, the truly healthy thing would be to not care. I guess I’ll get there at some point.
A big hug to you and good luck too!
All this info is great I just realized my ex is a narcassist . He sucked me in again reading all this is him exactly, he broke up with me like always and just came back around about a month ago wants to date me again take baby steps ,the other night he was just nasty to me in front of his friend, I left few days later I text him to pick up his stuff he responds he’s on a date leave him alone. Next night he stops by to get his stuff i told him that this dating him again was a bad idea that i just dont have those feelings for him he doesnt do it for me i need spontaneous & unpredictiable and im just not attracted & cant force what i dont feel. he says “i get it”. starts telling me all about how great this new girl is how she’s nothing like anyone he’s ever met, same crap he said when I first met him about me. I told him great hope it works out for you , you deserve to be happy . I’m only trying to be civil cuz we have mutual friends that don’t need the drama he loves to cause. Then he starts about how he really not sure where it’s going to go with new girl or if it will work out at all. I said just think positive . Now I’m really nervous what’s going to happen this is the 1st time I broke up with him ever he was the 1 in control all the time & broke it off. After reading about this and others stories I just realized I’ve crushed his ego by telling him he doesn’t do it for me that he’s boring and typical & took control of the situation by breaking it off , is he gonna start blowing up my phone ,I’ m scared I just created a bigger monster . But I can not deal with these games anymore & want to be done
Hello, I have a story to share as well. I saw alot of this behavior in my dad. I saw the signs yet I ignored them. I dated a N man off and on for a year and half. I continue to miss his “pretend” self to this day. Its looking back on this journey is when I read about a N man. When I started reading I pulled out my journal and came to realize Every word I read I wrote in my journal. Eventhough I ended it with him on my birthday, yes I know crazy but I didnt care for my gift the sex etc I was done with all the bs I was enduring. He has contacted me I havent entertained it. I am educating myself and wish I could talk to my mom about my dad but she knows and she told me she isnt strong like me. Amazing how our brain is wired and how it effects us all.
In many ways I was lucky. My N used me as the secondary “food source” while he simultaneously abused, stalked and sabotaged his exes life. I didn’t know that of course…she was “CRAZY.” She was the one sabotaging him! When I look back on it I see many things VERY clearly (although it was like a foggy dream at the time). The lack of empathy, the obsession with the one who stood up to him. I identify heartily with the “wanting his pretend self back” (the one who said I was “it” and we would get married after all the craziness died down, lol). Indeed “Mr. pretend” is the very thing thats hangs us up. The poison is in my veins too and I feel the same need to be ever vigilant against falling backward. I guess I should have realized if he didnt know my height or exact age after 5 years…if I wasnt allowed to share even 30% of his real life…or know where he was going…I had probably given too much. lol. I laugh at myself now but as I told my counselor…this feels a lot like, well, a mugging…or even rape when you consider the intimacy factor. He replied “thats exactly what it is.” Im lucky that I wasn’t important enough to stalk…dont have kids…got my money back–and yet, its the self-esteem demons in my head I can’t seem to eradicate! Remember ladies, and gentleman…this is life telling us we need to love ourselves more!! There is always a reason for challenges and this is our chance to shine and remember that we are beautiful and strong! My heart goes out to everyone. Good Luck and stay strong!
I was secondary too. Thank you for that! And your right…. We are lucky. I used to look at him sometimes with this look that said “are u kiddin me?” Laugh and walk away. I realize now I didn’t give him the real real real supply he needed because he knew that I knew he was weird. I sometimes would say…. Dude your are so weird. And not call…. He was always calling and coming to me…. But your right…. Our self esteem takes a blow. He never chased me, and I don’t chase at all. Sometimes I think I’m a narc but my friends say I can’t be because I love people too much and my love and care is real, I follow thru and then some. But ya…. I’m so glad I found this site…. I have no desire to be friends with him this time… Thank you. <3
In regards to avamariesophia’s question — “Do their friends realize they are Narcissists/Not right” It has been explained to me that narcissists carefully build up a “fan club” of constant supply around them. People who, for the most part, believe what they’re being told (makes you wonder whats in THEIR background) — but families and loved ones know the truth because they witness the swings on a daily basis …especially children who often receive the same treatment we have and become either the virtual parent or the spouse of the abuser.
When the marriage counselor told me that the wonderful woman I married and the woman she turned out to be are the same woman, I thought that maybe the woman I married was inside her somewhere and it was up to me to find her. I could change and make all her complaints go away. It was the foolish heart of someone who loves someone who never really existed, a phantom. It took another year of heart ache trying to recreate the early days to find out that the woman in front me is the real woman and the “pretend” woman will never be seen again. Good luck to all….we are survivors.
N Dipping can be great for your clarity. If–after spending weeks of crying and mourning the loss of your pretend loved one, wondering what you can do to help them heal, love them more–they reach out to you ONLY to accuse you of being duplicitous, distant, cold, indifferent and hateful (all massive “N” projections by the way) it can really help the fog clear. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself here. Only a loving, caring nurturer would be so worthy.
What happens after you go “NO CONTACT” for real? It feels like this………..WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YES!! La la La la la la. Wacka wacka, skippity do0 da–skippity aye, my oh my what a wonderful day! Followed by “aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, beautiful serene peace at last” (as alex nourri puts it “theres a damn on that there BS cascade” and its permanent!) At first its hard physically as you withdraw from the chemical addiction (not too easy) but WORTH IT. The longer you’re out the better it feels. NO LONGER will you be forced to search exotic vacation destinations for clothes that make him “look good,” NO LONGER will you be used as a tool against former lovers and spouses, NO LONGER will you be judged by his devout followers who have been unknowingly used to devalue you, and NO LONGER will you be afraid to pick up the phone wondering what brand of evil unholy hell awaits you on the other end. Suddenly, you’re free off all “N” obligations. FREE to spend your money on YOU, FREE to see the beauty and sincerity of humble folk. FREE to be told you’re beautiful and sexy and special by people who want nothing from you. Youll trust again, youll date again, youll love again and it feels even BETTER than it did before the Narc because you appreciate it SO much more. DONT WAIT! Please dont wait! The switch is NO CONTACT and all you have to do is turn out the light. Like walking into the sunshine again–youll be SO glad you did!
I’m on 10weeks of no contact still going
Through withdrawals . Nightmares never ending
Thoughts of him with the new woman . Makes me
Feel. Like I’m going crazy ,suicidal thoughts unimaginable
Grief . 23years of marriage I was thrown away like rubbish.
Physically and emotionally abused all my married life . Helped
Him get 2 degrees while I worked 2 jobs then I was not as smart
As him told I was worthless and stupid . I was pushed shoved and
My hair pulled cloths thrown at me to get out . Constantly told I
Was unloved and to leave . I was brainwashed from a very young
Age 16. I know what he is I know what has happened to me , yet
Still I love him still I want him to choose me what the hell is wrong
With me ?????????
Hi. I’m on a 15 min break at work. These posts come to my email and I don’t normally comment…. But, today is my 1 full year anniversary NO CONTACT – AT ALL with the Narc. So… I feel like I need to step in real quick to pay forward the support and strength that I received from so many women and men who’ve, just like us, gone through it.
I don’t have much time to write everything I want to say, but I just have to tell you It Does Get Better! I was a lost 42 year old child, that last time I kicked him out and he actually didn’t come back. I’m sure you know the reason. He found my replacement. Well, thank God he did because I had already lost everything! I had no more to give – so he was done with me. But that’s ok cause I am more happy now than ever! I have gained back my self esteem. My daughter doesn’t hate me anymore and I’m doing all the things I missed out on while I was so wrapped up in catering to him!
Yes, at one point I thought I was going to die! But each day that passed, I became a little stronger. I leaned on my friends and worked on improving my relationship with my kid. I ignored every one of his calls and eventually he stopped calling. It’s now a year later and I’m here to tell you… You are going to be fine. You are going to be happy. You will love yourself again. But you gotta get rid of that dead weight you’ve been carrying – THE NARC!
Well I gotta get back to work. Hops that helped a little.
PS. I got a text from my replacement. He’s cheated on her, beat her up, lost all rights to his son from his first marriage, he has two counts of spousal battery, he lost his job, he’s doing heroine… Goes on and on.
He never hit me, but he was verbally abusive. He didn’t use drugs when he was with me. We had his son on weekends.
So… From my experience… They don’t get better. They get worse! You ain’t missing out on nothin but a headache! Every time you take him back the abuse will get worse. Love yourself to finally say “I’m too good for that POS”. And mean it!
Thank you so much Shellz
I read your story and I’m so glad your free of the pain and your life’s getting better and better . I’m now coming up to 5 months there had been some contact in the form of 3 text messages from myself . That was only after I was provoked beyond belief . He cut my sons child support payments off (we had a private agreement ). I still had no contact when I went through the child support agency he was furious . I had abusive messages, letters sent to my parents making out I was crazy letters to me saying he had broken up with the new woman all so I would not go ahead with the agency . I ignored everything and went ahead now I understand why he was so angry . He’d lead me to believe I was only to get $600 per month and it actually was $1700. I had no idea . I then received messages saying he still had the woman . That then spiralled me out of control . Back to being in bed all day facebook stalking endless thoughts and thinking of ending my life yet again all because of the pain . Not to mention then the character assignation he did to me . Told all my friends lies . I know I was baited and it worked amazingly well I kept thinking is he with her or is he not I don’t understand why he’d say that . Of course I do know it was to do exactly what happened to me all I cared about was with he with her or not and I needed proof in my head and heart (when it didn’t matter). So now I’m back to not looking not anything . I have felt the need to tell some people what he has done as he had told them lies . Lies about our boys I just couldn’t stand the things he was saying . I felt I needed to defend them . He is a very calculated person I’m no match for someone like him . I am proud of myself I didn’t back down or speak to him about the child support a small victory . Although I still haven’t seen money . Some days I truly struggle and I think the pain of this will never end and am I really going crazy now . Other days I think I’ll never let you win I need to be a surviver . The lies of all those years unfold weekly and that hurts . Again thank you you’ve given me so much hope and inspiration .
Thank you so much! You give me hope!!!
I spent 40 years!
What a fool to be sucked in all that time.
:'(
I want my husband back. I’m hurt and angry. I just want to forget all this. PLEASE God make it all stop.
I’m in love with a Narcissist and want so desperately to not be. I have been discarded and I have never felt so alone, worthless, desperate and sad. My story starts 20 years ago. I met my N at a part time job. He invited me to a cookout. He was so handsome and confidant. I felt so lucky. I went. At this party a woman was following him around and giving me some serious attitude. I thought maybe I got it wrong, he just invited me to a party and wasn’t interested in me. I thanked him for the invite and left after about an hour. When I was leaving he seemed shocked and upset that I was leaving. He began pursuing me. I fell head over heals in love. During this time he quickly moved into my apartment. So quickly that i only realized it after my landlord told me I needed to pay extra for another renter living with me. It was only then that I realized we were actually living together. During this time we were “harassed” continuously by his ex girlfriend, who just happened to be the same girl that was at that initial barbecue following him around. Still, no warning flags for me. I just felt so wanted, beautiful, special and loved. Love at first sight, right…I felt that way, was confidant he did too. A few months into the relationship a knock comes on my door. Its this ex telling me that he had been keeping in contact with her and spending time with her, gives me an example that I knew was true. I call him, tell him I’m done (even though at this point I know I had no intention of that). This ends in him convincing me his ex was crazy and goes and puts a restraining order on her. I buy it all hook line and sinker even though my gut told me otherwise. Three months into our relationship he asks me to marry him and nine months later we elope. There were many warning signs during this period but I ignored every one of them. So many times where I swore he was cheating on me and suffering the same sick feeling I am feeling now. I always believed it was me. That I deserved the silent treatments that could last days, I was crazy, I was insecure. Funny thing is, is I wasn’t those things but forgot that. I had friends, family. I didn’t now. He was all I needed. All I wanted was to make him happy. I worked at it day and night. When I went to him many times during our marriage with my feelings, it would end up with me getting the first 2 to 3 minutes and then 40 minutes of him telling me why what I was feeling was wrong and what he needed from me and what I needed to do in order to not feel that way. Each conversation ended with me promising to be different and apologizing. Whenever we did anything outside I was told that I was inappropriate, to friendly , laughed to much at someone else’s jokes, didn’t show him enough attention. Was told that when we go out I should be hanging on him, he should have all my attention. Almost every time we did anything socially would end in an argument followed by the silent treatment with me continuously apologizing until he would finally one day just ask me to come see him and he would hug me or hold me and I would just be so thankful. Later when we or he would talk about it, I would promise to be different and apologize for being to friendly or having not made him feel like he was my focus. I would work harder but always falling short. I would try to tell him that I never felt like I came first, that I felt like he could give or take me on any given day. He would tell me that I was crazy, insecure and it wasn’t anything he was doing. The times he did tell me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, we were meant to be, I had the best body ever, those times were such highs for me. I truly believed every word and began to crave those words from him. I had to work for them though, they were never freely given. Here’s the thing and I’m so ashamed to write this…I would still be with him, still have him if I hadn’t cheated. I cheated with a man I worked with, a man I never felt anything for other than he told me I was beautiful and smart and funny. I never liked him, never wanted a relationship with him but I liked the attention. This only made me feel worse about myself. I wanted to feel this way with only my husband. How could I do such a thing to a man that I wanted to want me so bad. When he found out, he kicked me out, called me vicious name, I deserved all of them. I begged, pleaded, bought him, sent him cards and he eventually came back to me. I moved home. From this point forward, I jumped thru every hoop. I was told to quit my job, walk right out that minute and be home in 7 minutes, if I wasn’t home in that time, the door would be locked. I had never disrespected an employer like that or anybody else for matter (just myself) but I did it, sick to my stomach I wouldn’t make it in the seven minutes, I did. We were fostering two small children because he wanted more and I wasn’t able to have any because I was broken (his words), we had been fostering them for three years and was in the adoption phase and he told me I had to let them go. He had raised these kids as his own for three years and he just discarded them. With a heavy heart I did too, I let them go thinking then he would know how much he truly meant to me. Its been over two years now since I cheated. I have been called horrible names, and had him do horribly mean cold things to me and I have accepted them all and apologized thru it all. It would have never made a difference. I got word two months ago that the two children we gave up were struggling and had yet to be adopted, still in the system. I made the decision to move out and have the kids come home. I truly thought he would come for us. Realize he loved us, missed us. Sadly, I had never heard of a narcissist. Had I, I never would have made that move. I have been discarded. Within two months he has moved on to another woman who has three kids by two different men and is always on facebook. I don’t get it. I was never allowed to have facebook. I was never allowed to spend time with my friends and only small amounts of time with my family. How will this relationship with her work with all her baggage? He told me that her husband had cheated on her so she knows the value of a relationship. I have to be pretty awful for him to change in a way that is ok that this woman has kids and ex’s he will have to deal with. He is doing and going to every single place we ever did effortlessly with her. I can’t, there are to many triggers for me. How can he? How can he feel absolutely nothing. I have sent texts, called him, written letters begging him to respond, to see me. Its like I never existed. I can’t grasp it and I want to. Maybe I deserve it, I cheated on him, but he took me back and I did everything that was asked of me. I’ve worked so hard for the last two years proving to him that I was worth it, worth holding onto. I wanted just once and hoped with every inch of my heart that if I moved out he would realize how much he loved and missed me. What a mistake. I wish I hadn’t left. I would still be with him. I know it. How do I begin to let go of him and heal. Right now I would give anything to not be invisible, ignored. Anything to know that I meant something, anything. I sit here typing this praying he will reach out to me. Praying his current relationship won’t work out and he will come back and so afraid that I have been permanently discarded. I wish I could have been enough, I know I tried like hell and its so discouraging that he can’t see any of it and has no feelings for me whatsoever after 20 years together.
Oh sweetheart, sweetheart, we are here, feeling your pain. Please know that everything you tried to do, to fix, were dramas orchestrated by him. Remember that he is sick. It has NOTHING to do with you. Please go find someone that will cherish you. Believe you me, this is a worthless path and any of us will tell you the same. The new target will get the same treatment you did. FEAR NOT. You are free, she is in a hellish prison and she will be on these boards too, in time. We are praying for your detox. The withdrawal is hell but the light is there waiting for you at the end!!!!
Thank you. I am trying so hard to move on. I just hoped I was different. That he would never discard me. Its honestly the worst feeling to be made to feel like you never existed or meant anything after years of trying to or convincing yourself that you do. It kills me that he could just move on with someone else. I can’t for the life of me understand it. I’m hopeful, that I will be able to move past this and feel good about it. Thank you for your support and kind words.
Remember, its not just you. He did it before and hell do it over and over and over again because its a compulsion he cant stop. Think of it like the disease it is. Again, nothing at all to do with you. Don’t discard yourself in the process but know that you have tried your best, cant fix it, and deserve more. Make yourself an “I survived NPD” medal and wear it on your chest! : ) <3
Thank you. I am working hard at getting thru this. I just feel like I can’t live without him and am so hurt. I have been doing very good with the no contact. Today I am struggling a bit. Want to reach out begging and pleading, but I am not going to do that. It will only be met with me being completely ignored or with him saying something so hateful and letting me know how happy he is. Thanks again.
Jen,
Im sorry to say there is more to come. Once it crashes with her he will probably be back to use whatever u have left–but if you take him back it will be much worse (many cases of verbal abuse escalate into physical abuse over time). Please have a game plan for stopping this. Stay busy with good people all around you–seeing that they are vastly different from what he presented you with in the form of abuse. Be ready with boundaries when he comes, knowing you have found better. All you are experiencing now is the detox. Work out like crazy, volunteer at the library, write a book about what you went thru. Just stay busy. Much love! You CAN do it!!!!
Thank you for your support today. You helped me get thru a hard day and I appreciate it. You saved me from reaching out to him begging and pleading and I can’t thank you enough. He has found a new source of supply so I do believe I have been permanently discarded. I can do this, wish I didn’t have to but I can. Thank you so much again for your post and support. You really helped me.
My heart goes out to you it really does . After 24years of marriage and 28years together I was thrown away too. We met when I was 16 years old, I spend a lifetime of trying to please, not being good enough, smart enough, the list goes on. I spent a lifetime begging for forgiveness when I was pushed around ignored or abused. I would actually beg not to be thrown away. Our 2 children where also abused verbally and where discarded. One day he found another I begged and begged not to leave, to choose your own family over a woman he’d met 4weeks earlier on a dating website. He chose her and her 2 children over 28 years and our boys. I was suicidal spent months in bed I thought I was going to die from a broken heart. I also wished and prayed he’d realise he’d want his own family and that they would break up. I was co dependant on his abuse I catered to his selfishness and tantrums I let my children be called names and let myself be made worthless. I loved him. Well it’s now 1 year later I won’t say it’s been easy it’s been extremely hard. I still have days where I think I still love him. I did no contact I ignored his text messages , did not look on facebook and tried hard to work on myself and my shattered children. You are far more than what this selfish manipulating narc ever deserved. Read everything you can on narcissist let the pain go through you. You have to feel pain to move on from it. It hurts more than words can say but all of us mean nothing to a true narcissist. They honestly don’t care if you live or die . There is a big wide world out there where you’ll discover your free from the pain of these pure evil people . When your sad keep talking on sites like these they help so much. Like I said I still have days where I think I want my old life back and no one understands. It’s like being free but never really being free from the hurt. I wish you all the luck and love in the world focus on these 2 children that need your love.
Thank you for your response. Tough weekend. Its been two months and he has already moved on with another woman. I am invisible after twenty years. It hurts incredibly and I want so badly to stop giving him power over me by not reaching out to him for anything. He has gone away this weekend with his girlfriend to the same place we had always gone. A year ago it was me, its like he has just plucked me out of his life and put her right in, making the same memories. Can’t he make new memories with her? I have so many triggers. Every where I go, is a trigger and I’m sad. I want to see some light. I don’t want to grow old alone.
My ex had mental health problems. I could have coped with them. But I could not cope with the rages, the endless talk about the violence he would do to so-and so, the groundless paranoia about me, the verbal abuse, the dump-reunite-dump cycle, the unreliability, the lateness, the phone always turned off (and woe betide me if mine was off!) the eternal talk of his problems and utter dismissal of my problems.
I could have coped with his mental illness if he had loved me. If he had cared about me and understood me. The absence of that was the problem.
One more thing while I’m here – it only occurred to me today that if he was telling me he was thinking about being violent to other people, then it’s very likely he was telling other people he was thinking about being violent to me. It was his talk about being scared he’d kill his mother (with whom he lives) which is shocking me away from him now. He’s gone silent and distant, but I expect him back when he needs something. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid now, about the potential for violence. Anyway I know enough about domestic violence to be certain I’d best keep put the phone down next time he calls me in “crisis.”
Huytongirl,
Had same feelings. Do all you can to stay safe. Being smart is never silly.
I don’t know if this question would be appropriate in this email thread but I’m going to give it a try. I have a younger brother who has proved to me time and again that he is self-absorbed, selfish and a narc in almost every way. I sent him a detailed email about a year ago, saying what I should have said all these years (I’m 63) and letting him know that I realize he can never be the brother I want and need. I have bailed him out of situations over the years (mostly financial but some emotional) and he is unable to even send a birthday card or call me on my birthday. All I want from him is to know I matter to him and, while he says I do, his actions show me I don’t. There is always so much drama with him, there is always a problem at work (which is never his fault), he gets mugged, someone gets shot across the street (he bought a house in a very bad neighborhood in a city), his spouse is lazy, doesn’t share expenses, always something like this. I became tired of being a sounding board and a financial resource. He lies about things or springs them on me at the last moment; ie, at 11:00pm the night before I am to fly to go home: “there’s a lien on my house.” And yet, I struggle with missing his good aspects: he is very funny, very witty, and I miss our conversations about movies, books, music, etc. And yet my head knows it is a mistake to be in contact with him because, at some point, it will cost me emotionally or financially. He is my only sibling and the only living kin I have. I am happily married and live 3,000 miles away and have a wonderful support network of family and friends here. So what’s up with missing my brother?
HelenLeona,
My Partner’s family experienced the same frustration over decades also. Im sorry its hard and it stinks. I understand how even lightly touching their lives (even from 3,000 miles) can be emotionally draining and make you feel “used up”. This family finally came to the point where they fully accepted that he is not well and they love him from a distance, keeping their assets safe and their boundaries strong. They listen, they love him, and yet they understand that the best thing to do for him is to allow him to find answers on his own. The hardest thing to do for someone is to let them be themselves and allow them to make their own mistakes. Can you take the blessings when they come and understand that he is what he is? Although that will never change–you can still love him and protect yourself also? I hope so. You are in a unique position to offer him an opportunity to heal by speaking the truth, though often they are never ready to hear it. Gods love to you, kudos for hanging in with a tough situation.
So, for all of you who doubt? Listen up and listen good. It’s not til you’re out of the fog and no contact for some time before you can see the truth. Let my tale bring an awakening! Comes to be that my prince of princes (toad) slept with everyone. Didn’t want to see it til I was free. Know that nagging feeling you just can’t shake that something’s wrong? Listen to it! That’s your intuition talking. Mine was screaming and I stayed. Slept with my cousin under the same roof, strangers, his 1st wife’s brothers fiancée, his 2nd wife’s sisters (and she still wants him?) his work mates, his way into med school (scary) business partners, and hit on my aunt poolside in front of me. Those trips? Oi vay the trips! And I was the “cover” without even knowing it. Whatever u think is happening is!! Don’t ignore it! Don’t walk…run to the nearest gynecologists office pronto! Hug your babies and shut the door. Say a prayer for the next victim and say hello to life. Not worth it. Don’t even try. Don’t waste one more minute. Life is so much more peaceful, healthful and safe without them. If you’re feeling edgy, unsettled and unsure? Run.
Sherry – You make some very good points. I don’t know why we cast aside our instincts… I have NOW realized that the anxiety I was feeling while my ex (who is a textbook N) and I dated was actually a friendly voice trying to tell me to leave him. He had a story to explain away every inconsistency in his life and he had ME convinced I had trust issues and needed therapy, but that little voice knew better…. I eventually found out that voice was right about SO much. I will never ignore my anxiety or instincts again- they were dead on!
Your gyno comment is so true… there is not enough discussion about STDs on these posts, but it is a HUGE and scary consequence for staying with these types of guys. I have no idea how many other girls he was seeing… and I didn’t try to imagine… I just ran to my doc, told her the deal, waited over a week for my results (stressful!) and NOW thank my lucky stars he didn’t give me anything. Having that knowledge has been hugely helpful in my healing– for any of you that may be putting it off, just go get it over with. It helps to know.
As for No Contact: y’all know he won’t stop because his persistence has worked for him before- every time, and definitely not just with you. Ns do not think anyone has authority or control over them, and they respect no one. If you have stopped responding to him 100%, but cannot get away from him for good because he won’t leave you alone, if you cannot heal because he keeps contacting you… then GO and get a No Contact order. Court staff will help you! Keep proof of his contacts to show the judge and refrain from responding to him immediately. The judge sees these cases all the time, you will not be the first person to stay with someone after abuse… do not worry about being judged or trying to convince anyone of anything, except that YOU need to get away from him. I went to Court for a No Contact, and he violated it almost immediately after being served by reaching out to my family!!! I had him arrested, which just proved my case. Some Ns are really scary, but most Ns, while abusive behind closed doors, do not want to risk ruining their jobs or reputation… this could jeopardize adding to their supply by scaring other women away. Now that he faces legal consequences if he contacts me, my ex has now slithered away like a rattler snake that just got its rattle chopped off. We don’t have to live in fear.
When I feel pangs of loneliness or see his face in my mind, it helps me to realize that he is not the person I thought I was involved with… I mean NOT AT ALL. So really, there is no real person to mourn here. I am a mid-thirties, single, professional with realistic goals and dreams, and I really just thought he was the one (I mean ‘the one’ has to come eventually right and no one is perfect right?). HA! If I am truly honest with myself, I ignored a lot of signs and I made a lot of excuses for him along the way. I felt a desire to help him be the man I knew he could be and compromised a ton. He did not. Yikes. I know now that I was lowering myself and seeing the mirage he wanted me to see because I didn’t want to be alone again, he made me feel good about myself by choosing me, and I cared about the person I thought he was. (This is the stuff I plan to sort out in my mind because I will be damned if I will go through this again!)
Don’t continue the pattern with him. He will never change. They never have to change because for every time YOU kick them out, there is a different woman who is just waiting for him with an open door, or who is just seeing him for the first time- seeing the mirage and letting him in.
Please realize your worth girls. It’s okay to be alone, for a week or for a lifetime. Yeah, it sucks on Valentines Day, but the long term physical and psychological consequences you could suffer because HE can’t ever get enough “attention”, are just not worth it just to have someone around on date night. We will all move on and be better and stronger if we just respect ourselves.
Kat,
Great Post Sister! I agree on the STD subject. Lets be real, Lets go healthy and lets protect our precious bodies. I agree also that the key to finding ourselves AND that “right” one is to go through this so we can get to the other side of who we are and what we truly deserve. As women we are conditioned to think we dont have power or choices and nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing is more powerful than a woman who knows her true value! We are amazing!!
Something that helped me was to remember that every new one he manipulates is punishment for the last N injury. He love-bombed, abused and slept with us to hurt the last supply (and to compulsively stop the painful chaos in his head) and the next will be punished for us. And so it goes until the end of time. Nobody gets better. Nobody gets anything but the disorder, humiliation and cheating. Noone. Who wants that? Who wants that for their kids? Eeeeuuuuuuuw. Not me, not you. Thats NOT love. Thats a disorder needing absolute control and covering it up with lies. I want better, I want richer, I want REAL that I can trust every single day.
No contact truly is the key. Once the brainwashing wears off you’ve got a new pair of glasses and nothing looks the same. The N looks deeeeesgusting, the world is full of bright colors, your body looks amazing because its YOURS to control as you desire and best of all…you get your mind back! Guess what?! It still works the great, smart way it used to before the N.
Re: No Contact…delete emails, vmails and texts WITHOUT reading, listening, or even guessing. Its all the same and never changes. BORING. Remember also, you’re “number 10” on the call list for that day. again…BORING.
Hope that helps someone cause nobody should go through this alone. <3
I’m only a in my first week of the no contact. I wasn’t aware that I had been discarded until he quit responding to my texts and didn’t answer my calls-in the blink of an eye it was over. I’m left mourning for the “fake” guy that I fell for and was so attracted to. I think back and go back in my journal to see all the signs&pain, disappointment and very little love, sex, Security or peace. I made excuses for him treating me so bad. I accept that my codependency plays a huge part in the selection of narcissist men. I was attracted to his sadness and his dark side(it was down played). I never met any family of his or any of his friends although I’ve heard he has a few. I’m sure that he feels nothing for me, no big loss and moved to his next supplier. I am so hurt, I look constantly for his car and texts but I guess I’m blessed he has stepped on out of my life. He stirred the pot, like to create unrest if things were peaceful. I miss him so much it’s left a hole where my heart should be. I KNOW I deserve better and refuse to contact him. He would only use the opportunity to get some more kicks out of breaking me into pieces again. He went out of his way to show me how little he cared about me and my feelings never mattered. I was right up close to suicidal thoughts and obsession with him. I’m detoxing from the relationship and white knuckling it. I see and feel all the pain &anguish these narcs cause to other victims..It’s helping me to know I’m not alone-trapped struggle is real
It seems that Joe Cocker dated a narcissist too. lmao. Check out the lyrics and have a great day everybody!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8IbIxQ2sxA
Too funny…poor Joe. So, what makes someone a N? Is it abuse or just some horrible character flaw? In my case, I think my N friend was molested. He never came out and said it, but I almost felt it. I also saw some characteristics in him that I saw in some of my other friends who suffered from sexual abuse.
Wow, such a funny article. I saw so many examples of truths from a previous relationship in it I couldn’t stop laughing. I have reached a point of no longer missing pretend guy lol
I am in need of help. I had an on/off roller coaster ride with a married N for three years. This consisted primarily of me listening to his sad stories about his marriage, listening to excuses that I rationalized as believable, hours reassuring him of my love for him, constant hypocrisies of him being allowed to behave ways I couldn’t, defensiveness over the slightest things, amazing mind blowing intimacy and then an argument (usually over me questioning his behavior) and the abrupt illogical discard. This leads to me begging, pleading, and him taking me back. This has happened countless times. I finally had enough and left him. I did ok for 7 weeks but today made a ridiculous excuse to have to call him. I left a voicemail and for no response. This has sent me back to square one. I’m replaying all that’s transpired, trying to make sense of his mixed messages, reading his old texts, beating myself up over what I could have done different, feeling rejected and mentally unstable all over again. I am questioning my sanity, my behaviors. I want closure. I know my mind tells me he’s no good and closure is not possible but I find it hard to let go when we’ve always gotten back together. I believed I meant so much to him. To see that as a lie hurts so much. Why do I undo the hard work over the last 7 weeks? I suppose I wanted to know he missed me and the answer is devastating. Any advice?
Buy all the books on NPD you can. Understand that it is YOUR choice to leave the brainwashing, understand that YOU were not the only one he did this to (yes even while you were together) and understand that your brain is going thru some really big and ugly things right now. EDUCATE yourself. LOVE yourself (that means you-NOT the Narc) and walk away. The ghosts get better, youll hit anger soon and that will help a lot…but remember…you’re just starting the process. give yourself a break and remember there are thousands of us asking the same questions. OH, and remember that he is missing parts of his brain and that hes NOT normal (YOU ARE). Hurray for you!!!! You did it! You left!!! YOU ARE AMAZING! YOU deserve better. Record all the times you can remember when he put you down and play them til you get sick of them. Then ask yourself…dont I deserve BETTER? YES! YOU DO!!!!
Wow! These stories really resonate with me. It’s been almost two years and I still miss my narcissist. Here’s my story….
I have had to cut people out of my life after the relationships became toxic. Sometimes, it’s a relief and other times, i feel as though I am missing a piece of my soul. One person in particular (we can call him Max) was such a huge loss for me. Max is nearly old enough to be my father, yet acts as though he’s about 24. He is one of those people who catch your eye. Even though he’s a guy, he’s so beautiful and has a mysterious shyness or sadness about him. I was always intrigued by him. He and I met at work and did not become friends right away. After about a year, we did start to talk as I became close to one of his coworkers (we can call her Hazel). Initially, I just called him out on random BS that he touted and he didn’t know quite how to take me. When Hazel went on a month long trip back in 2010, we both were missing her and so we started to talk more. Somewhere over an awkward lunch, we bonded. We discovered that we both had a strong distain for all things Disney, people that were overly happy, and strong smells. We had some of the same allergies, skin rashes, and random life philosophies. When Hazel returned from her trip, she was quite amazed that we had grown close. We were like the three amigos. I am married with a son, so even though Max is quite attractive, I never really had any romantic expectations and was quite happy to be the good friend to him. From what he had told me, he was quite the womanizer back in the day, but it seemed he had embraced singlehood and had turned over a new leaf. In the past, he mentioned that he struggled with addictions and still smoked cigarettes, but for a while it seemed that he had good self-control.
I always felt very badly that Max was alone on holidays. I went on vacation for Christmas 2010, but I learned that he was alone. The following year, I invited him to my house for the holidays. My husband thought he was a really nice guy, and they became friends as well and would go out every once in a while. After that, we would randomly invite Max over and we even took him out for his birthday. Sometimes, we would drink a lot, but not always. We were just having fun and if we did this every few months, what is the harm?! Max and I had a special bond. It was beautiful. I loved him dearly. He was absolutely my best friend. We talked about a lot of things and we always had lunch together every Friday. Sometimes in the afternoon, we would have a cup of decaf tea as neither of us can handle caffeine. It makes us super anxious. Every once in a while when I would go on vacation or be otherwise away, Max would get himself into random trouble. He would drink too much, hang out with bad influences, or spend time with strippers and other low-lives. He would always call me and we would discuss it. Our talks seemed to snap him out of his bad patterns. Everyone goes south every once in a while, right?!
In October of 2012, I had gotten into a legal dispute, my hubby and I were arguing a lot, and I was feeling very low. I confided in Max and two other friends about how scared and upset I was. Max was very supportive. He felt so bad for me, but assured me that things would work out. He even hung out with my hubby and tried to talk to him about the situation. When I was at my lowest point, Max dropped an atom bomb on me. He confessed that he has been in love with me for two years! . I was happy, sad, mortified, and confused all at the same time. I was not sure where my feelings started and his ended. It was an emotional mess.
I had may mixed feelings about Max and our situation. On one hand, I guess I always had a crush on Max. He was friggin beautiful and we really had a connection. It’s just that since we became friends, I never wanted to go down that path. It was just wrong. Besides, I am married! So, we went to lunch and we talked hypothetically. I told Max that I felt conflicted and confused about the current situation. We were good friends and I didn’t want to lose that. Yes, we are obviously attracted to one another, but that’s simply biology and we can get past that, right?! Besides, he has that whole womanizing Brett Michaels thing going on where despite the good looks there’s an underlining, “eh, do you have an STD?” thing . I didn’t mean for it to sound so cruel, but it was what I was thinking. He was in tears again after I said it and I felt really crappy. I never wanted him to feel bad. Feelings are feelings and this situation was so confusing. I remember hugging him saying, “Please don’t go weird on me!”.
Well, I know I should have given us some distance, but we continued to talk about our feelings and our dreams. My hubby and I continued to have problems and the legal aspects were still there. Things got ugly right after Thanksgiving vacation. On the way home from my parents, my hubby complained that he hadn’t seen Max in a while. He was hungry for a burger and he suggested that I call Max and we go get some burgers. I reluctantly agreed. Max came over to our house and he reeked of alcohol. I guess our interactions were strange and my hubby knew instantly that something was wrong. Of course, by the time Max had left, my hubby thought the worst. He believed that we were having an affair. I assured him that it wasn’t true and that we have had some weird dreams and things have simply become awkward. He asked me if I loved Max. I didn’t know how to answer. I was in such a state. I couldn’t quit crying. My hubby insisted that I make a choice and that I have no more contact with Max. I was even more confused.
I met with Max and I was angry. Maybe he did try to take advantage of my unfortunate situation. I told him that I couldn’t see him any longer. No more lunches, teas, etc. and that my hubby knew. I felt terrible. I was upset, pissed, hurt, and did not know where to turn. I was mad at Max and at my husband. I felt that I was in the middle of something bigger than myself. If my hubby wasn’t such an idiot, things would never have fell so badly apart. If Max could think with the right head, we wouldn’t be in this awkward situation and we would still be friends. Now my hubby wanted nothing to do with Max and I had to make a hard choice. I told him that it was ridiculous that he was there waiting for things to go badly with my husband and putting these crazy ideas in my head. But it wasn’t just him. I had ideas, too. I don’t know why I acted so harshly. Maybe it was true, I don’t know. I told my hubby that it was finished. He was glad that I had a talk with Max. When I told my hubby what I had done, he even thought that I was a bit harsh. The next day, I apologized to Max. I told him that we have to have some distance, but maybe I over exaggerated. My hubby understood that we were friends and although he didn’t like it, he respected it. I still felt overwhelmed and confused and very angry. I entered therapy in the beginning of December 2012 and I stayed in therapy until October 2013. Max and I were still friends. We had tea occasionally, but we never went to lunch alone. We refrained from hugs, although, we did hug on a few instances after that whole blow out. I continued to talk to Max. I tried to refocus on the friend aspect, but Max was upset. He claimed to be in love with me. He also started to drink quite heavily and his work suffered. He would leave at 11:00 in the afternoon and not return until 3:30. Many people commented on his behavior and his frequent absences. I felt so guilty, like he was doing all of this because I broke his heart.
Around January, Max told me that he had been talking to a woman that he used to know vaguely from high school. I thought it was good that he had an interest in someone else. In April, she was planning to visit. Initially, he said that he was simply meeting up with her for coffee, but it just coincided with his birthday. After more prodding, I realized that she was coming in to give him a birthday present to remember. He was bragging to Hazel about her getting a Brazilian wax. I told him that what he was doing was wrong and that he was only hurting himself and being dishonest with this woman. On Facebook, she was telling him that she loved him and he was leading her on. At the same time, he was telling me that he was still in love with me. It was awful. Prior to his birthday, he got really drunk at work and passed out in front of the building. He felt quite embarrassed and I knew that he was having second thoughts about this encounter. I encouraged him to go see my therapist and he agreed. He still went through with the birthday weekend and even texted me after having sex with her saying that he had made a mistake. He stayed home on Monday and when I finally saw him on Tuesday, he was in tears once again. I told him that he really should have taken things slower. Also, despite his supposed feelings for me, I told him that I loved him very much, but I could never satisfy his needs in that manner. I was simply his friend and it had to stay that way.
I should probably mention that mutual friends understand different events to all of his stories. He told me that the girlfriend was someone he vaguely remembered, while he told another friend that she was a serious girlfriend he used to date in high school. There are several other instances where timelines, people and events would change. The other thing that he used to do that made me a little uncomfortable is that he would play songs like, “possum kingdom” by the Toadies when we were alone and had a thing for serial killers. For a long time, I overlooked it because he was my friend, but he recalled events very differently, acted creepy, and had personality changes many times depending on the company.
Despite therapy and me doing my best to talk him out of bad things, he continued to drink heavily and neglect his work duties. It was so bad that people were coming to me and asking me what was going on with him. I felt like I was in a very awkward situation. During this time, Max wrote me letters telling me that he was jealous of me and my relationship with my husband. He wanted me to want him the same way he wanted to be with me. I really felt terrible and I wanted to help. The more I tried, the worse he got. Despite him telling me that he had a drinking problem and asking for assistance, he did nothing to improve. I gave him resources to rehab centers. Hazel and I would make him food just so he would not go out to drink. I tried to keep him safe at lunch so he wouldn’t go to the bar. I called him and talked with him when he made bad decisions, but to no avail. My boss questioned me regarding my interactions with him as did several coworkers.
I guess the straw that broke the camel’s back came when I received a text message from him. He was supposed to have lunch with me and a few friends at work in our little garden area. I receive a message from him that reads “miss you, I got held up at lunch”. I was pissed. I knew exactly what he was doing. I wrote back something to the effect, “whatever. Bad decisions as usual. I hope you and your idiot “friend” get home safely.” About a week after that, right before my 37th birthday, I let him have it. I chewed him out for 45 minutes regarding his shitty behaviors, how he made me and others that care about him feel, and the fact that he is an addict and a narcissist. He sat there and cried and I stood there and cursed him. It was so ugly. I stopped talking to him for two months. I hated running into him. I avoided him like the plague. Then, I decided that perhaps I was being too harsh (again!). In August, I had lunch with him and talked some things over. We called a truce and I thought things were ok. Not perfect. We weren’t hanging out, but we were at peace. I was still angry with him, but I admitted that I was a bit much back in June and said some things in a hurtful manner.
Things were ok until I did something I probably should not have done. I had a few things that he had given me over the years. There was this flower soap box that I got one Christmas and a heart shaped stone. I felt that perhaps I should give them back since he gave them to me with intentions other than friendship. I picked the day that a year prior he confessed his love for me. I asked him if we could meet up, and he was in a computer room that was fairly isolated. He was not aware of the date, so I proceeded to tell him what had happened the year before. He became very upset. He started to tell me that he had very bad thoughts about me and that they were really not right. He also mentioned that he wanted to hurt himself. I was getting really scared as he seemed more off than usual. I thought back to the “Possum Kingdom” song as he had the same look in his eyes. I gave him back the things and he hugged me. I pulled away rather abruptly and went back to my desk. I decided to ping him and have a conversation. He mentioned that he wished that we could spend time together and I asked him how that would be fair to his girlfriend and my husband. If he could somehow come up with a plan that would be fair, then maybe I would agree. He then proceeded to tell me that nothing is fair. We somehow got onto other topics. I confronted him via IM about his drinking once again and he seriously went bat shit crazy on me. He called me a hypocrite and brought up Hazel and some of his other coworkers for ratting him out and being ball-less. I was scared for me and him. I asked him to see another therapist and he did for a while. She told me to have zero contact with him, so I did for a long while.
I ended up taking a new job assignment in another building. It was partially to get away from him. I still feel terrible about this whole situation. I really wish things would have turned out differently, but I have done my best to move forward.
In January, in the beginning of my new job assignment, I did not have much to do, so I started to do some family tree research. I was mindlessly looking for relatives. I was looking at my paternal grandmother’s side of the tree and noticed a last name…no…it was Max’s last name. Immediately, I felt sick. It makes so much sense. The skin rashes, allergies, same life philosophies, our distain for Disney characters, our love for mac-n-cheese and olives, our connection…we are related. So, in my crazy research, I learned that Max is my father’s second cousin, so he’s my 2nd cousin once removed. Yes, it’s a little distant, but it makes oh-so-much sense. I was so pissed though. Why is the universe messing with me so much? This is so cruel and unusual!
Shortly after the relative scare and seeing that he gave the heart-shaped rock to his girlfriend that he had given to me, I unfriended him on Facebook. I felt sick thinking about how many other women he gave that box and heart to. I felt stupid that I ever had feelings for him, even if I was confused and uncertain how to place them. I heard the dueling banjoes playing in my head. I also felt relieved that nothing happened and that I have a wonderful husband. Yet, I felt angry.
I have since forgiven Max. I told him that I do not want to be friends, but I wish him no more animosity. And I really do miss the pretend Max that was my fake soul mate (yeah, they don’t really exist. All relationships take work and no two people are the same!). When I see Max now, I do say hello and have a brief yet positive conversation. Many times, I wish things could be different because it still hurts. I miss him so much even though we haven’t been friends for two years now.
This was one of the most painful things that I ever had to endure in my life. I found a close friend after so many years of feeling alone and misunderstood and then had to let that emotional attachment go as it was destroying my family and my well-being. Even though I lost someone dear to me, I gained a strong relationship with my best earthly friend, my awesome hubby, and I have a beautiful son who surprises me every day.
Oh, I am not done….I failed to mention that he turned one of my “good” friends against me. She believed him over me and no longer speaks to me. Obviously, she was not a friend, either. Here are the lyrics to Possum Kingdom song that he used to like to play when I was around…. creepy as hell and I didn’t even see it! He used to find opportunities to touch my dark curly hair and pale skin…ugh! I really did forgive him, but it still is so confusing. Check out these lyrics. Bone chilling…
Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
Around the lake tonight
By my side
By my side
I’m not gonna lie
I’ll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I’ll show you my dark secret
I’m not gonna lie
I want you for mine
My blushing bride
My lover, be my lover, yeah
Don’t be afraid
I didn’t mean to scare you
So help me, Jesus
I can promise you
You’ll stay as beautiful
With dark hair
And soft skin forever
Forever
Make up your mind
Make up your mind
And I’ll promise you
(I will treat you well)
(My sweet angel)
So help me, Jesus
Hey, hey, hey
Give it up to me
Give it up to me
Do you wanna be my angel?
Give it up to me
Give it up to me
Do you wanna be my angel?
Give it up to me
Give it up to me
Do you wanna be my angel?
So help me!
Be my angel
Be my angel
Be my angel
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Do you wanna die?
Well I promise you
I will treat you well
My sweet angel
So help me, Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Jesus
Everyone, please remember…YOU…ARE…DEALING….WITH….C-R-A-Z-Y PEOPLE!!!! They are Psychopaths, missing vital grey matter where it really really counts! They cant BE “normal”. “GOOD” doesn’t come naturally to them!! Wake up, go no contact, and get your beautiful self and beautiful kids away from a lunatic! Just because he doesnt LOOK like a predator, a criminal, a sleeze, a grifter…means nothing. HE IS ALL THAT! Its much easier if you look at it in terms of a business. Would you do business with a crazy person? Throwing good money after bad year after year until bankruptcy or prison? Subject your kids to a sleezeball partner in business? What for?!! NOOOOOOOOOOO! None of us would. Put MORE in the bank of what “YOU deserve.” Walk away from this bad business and make a NEW business with a GOOD businessman. Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase!!!!
I was with my N partner for 8 years. No commitment, no holidays and constantly bailing him out with money for rent / food / bills etc no emotional support and left to deal with so much on my own.
I’m a smart woman (I think!) run my own business & have 2 beautiful grown up daughters. I still miss him, and hope one day this hurt inside will go away. I feel used & such a fool for believing after 8 years things would “change” … I will dig deep and hope in time I can get over this.
The only thing that’s important now is healing me & a brighter future.
Good luck to you all x
Fantastic article reading to remind myself what he really is, and
Here ive been upset because i wasted a whole year on this bs!
Most annoying person ive ever met just go no contact otherwise
They know how to twist everything you say wish id stayed no contact
Have now been 2 weeks he has someone else its going to go bad i can
Feel it , she has a child in nappys , so much exhaution she wont know
Whats up or whats down , im glad its not me , the jabs the no sex
The blame game always me i told him to bore off , same as other girl no more
Than one day of nc went past i bet im doing better than him , they love
To see you stressed angry misery really does love company , i dont miss
Him i miss me thats all i care about right now , i believe
When im fully recovered i will know peace like never before ,
I slept for 2 weeks straight pretty much was so exhausted i
Remember getting the evil eye because i said i was going to bed
You dont exist to them , when living with them , one night i said i was having
Early night tired he agreed i was still awake at 1 am , my dinner on a plate
Ready to eat held a torch and watched him paint something in
The garage could i plse hold the torch that little b””” can go jump !
Its not good for me when women think to much ” quote of a narc
Keep focused on him because his such a loser cant get a woman
Any other way but doing this , i trusted you ! Yerrrp they all say that ! Was
The answer .
I so appreciate the real/pretend guy analogy. It is healing to know that I am not alone in this painful realization. I left my husband 2.5 months ago and have gone NC since for over 1 month. In the meantime, the lawyers have done the absolute necessary communication for me, being that we share a daughter together.
The road ahead seems so long, before the healing can sink in and make a dent in the endless pit of confusion and disappointment. Seeing who he really is has been the most painful part because the death of the pretend guy can’t even be processed when the real guy continues to take blows, lie, manipulate ruthlessly in order to use the end of the relationship as a springboard to secure more supply.
However difficult and painful it is at times to process this loss and chaos, not having contact with the narc is the most powerful tool we have in order to move on and heal. I am valuing this period of NC as my bootcamp, before I finally have to see him because of custody and divorce proceedings. I value each day I don’t have to speak with him, see him, hear him as a true gift.
It still hurts, I still have day that I miss him deeply. I still have moments when I worry about him and how he might be going through. Then I remind myself of the endless list of behaviors that attest to his lack of conscience, empathy, or accountability. I remind myself of the multiple layers of deceit, manipulation and lies that were an inevitable aspect of living with this person. I remind myself of his inability to truly love, connect and keep his work and how he used those very same things to control me and keep me trying harder–he would dangle love, intimacy, affection, apparent honesty in front of me like a carrot just to keep me focused on the “potential” of our relationship.
My husband kept me motivated to continue trying despite the addictions [sex and drugs], the infidelities and broken promises because he always showed me glimpses of the pretend guy, just enough to keep me loving and hooked. Never enough (love, intimacy, honesty, consistency) to bring stability and peace… Just enough crumbs to keep me from starving, and occasionally a feast to keep me looking forward to what I “could” have if I remained loyal.
Kuddos to all of you who have left for good and remain on the path to moving on and beyond the narcissistic abuse and chaos. Whether it took you 30 days or 30 years to GET OUT, it is an odyssey to escape the toxic bonds that develop from these relationships and even more so difficult to stay “clean” from the ex.
Any advice for me? I have a baby with a narc/sociopath. There is no “getting out” for me. I feel evil for not allowing him to see our son but I am scared my son will be manipulated as he grows older. Also, my sons father is really great at pointing fingers and diagnosing me and all his exes with sociopathy when he is the actual one with the mask, does he know he is a narc/sociopath? Or is he really convinced it’s all of us? Are they that bad? Or is it part of the manipulation? Also, how do I deal for the next 18 plus years?? HELP!!
Everything about this article is Perfection! Love it ♡
I guess I am contributing to this because I need to feel active in my healing rather than passive. I have been reading and reading about Narcism after a friend made a comment about his narcissistic x bf. It’s then when I realized that I to was dealing with a narcissistic x bf of sorts. I realized after reading about the cycles these types of people put us through, everything made sense. He fit the bill exactly and the sad part is that I know he has no idea how fucked up he really is. I know he was called himself a “flawed” individual during a fight to gain back my sympathies, making me think he was coming to terms with himself, but it only made me realize he was stealing the rest of the emotional energy I had left through the argument. After 10 months of this rollercoaster ride and blaming myself and my own co-dependency problems I realize I am not the problem. He is. and I am letting him make my healing process almost impossible through obsession and manipulation. He plays games with me where I do not hear from him at all unless I text him first. Why do I do it? I miss him, and I hate that I do. I had fallen in love with this fake guy, and I feel like I am mourning the loss of him. Spending 12 hours at a time crying on my couch wondering if I will ever get over the loss of him. These people do not give two shits how long you stayed on your couch and cried over them unless they are low on supply. He is currently getting his supply from another woman, so I am left to my own coping devices no matter how much I wish he’d help me through this as a “friend”. It’s clearly insane that I want the person that is hurting me to help me with that hurt. It’s a vicious cycle that he will never understand or feel anything for. When I ask for help he does nothing, when he asks for help, if I do not rearrange my life just so to do anything he asks, I am treated like the worst person in the world. End fact is that I have to learn how to move on. A narcissist will never really love you. No matter how much you love them, how they made you feel, how amazing and loving you were to them….they do not know how to love. It’s sad really. Don’t be sad for them, don’t be sad for loss. Cope with the death of someone beautiful and find someone that’s not a complete fucking train wreck and who actually loves you back.
I really fell in love with Andrew and did not know he was a narcissist. He said he was co dependent and he was a therapist with 2 licenses so I thought he was all together. We had so much in common. We both were in the social science field, loved to sing, tell Irish humor, loved books and writing, going places and eating. We both loved making love. I did not know his problems until I brought up if he believed in marriage and he said he freaked out and left me in a hotel room. I loved him and he said he loved me more than any other woman before. He would break up with me, give me the silent treatment, not answer my calls, and say we were over. I still kept calling him not begging him but crying and saying how can he hurt me this way when we finished each others sentences, and loved the same things. He drank a lot and I worried about him. Had 2 male friends that took him out drinking and he said he had black outs. He broke dates but sometimes it was hard because we had a long distance relationship 100 miles apart. Since I am pretty, tall, blonde and look good for my age of 62 (some men think I am 40 at the oldest) I could get men easy when he would break up with me but I always wanted him. I finally realized he had many problems and would break up with me or had these slight temper tantrums and said, “We are over!” Now I know he has narcissistic tendencies. I almost have a PhD in Psychology but could not see him and his dual selves but I knew he made me hurt too much. I knew he cared about me and we laughed, sang and had so much fun together. But I never knew what would set him up me disagreeing and I am a strong woman and would stand up to him, and I think he liked he could not control me. My father and mother were strong people. My father and grandfather were Union organizers and my mother was independent and taught me to stand up for myself. My 1st ++husband was wonderful and that helped me to see Andrew was a jerk sometimes. I was married 21 years to a wonderful Italian man who always said to stand up for myself. He is my guardian angel and that is what always kept me knowing Andrew would never be Ralph and his music box that he gave me for a present+++++ went off he gave me and warned me Andrew was no good.
But I still care for Andrew but I am too strong of a person to beg. He can go to haties before I beg. He is the messed up one not me I know now and I won’t waste anymore time worrying or trying to get him to love me anymore or try to fix him.
I am going on with my life and find a man that treats me good like my late husband did. I am beautiful, brilliant and a wonderful woman and all of you are and the men too who were abused by N’s so don’t give up and Fight Fight Fight for your rights!!! We deserve to be happy and stop catering to these jerks, ha ha
I feel good this weekend. I found a cute dog I adopted and now feel like I have a real sweetheart that appreciates my love and goodness!!
Take care everyone. I am a middle aged woman and I know I don’t want to spend my time pining for a N and many of you are so young so DONT waste your life being abused when you are loving people. N’s can’t love only when things go their way. I know we all were hurt but we are worth it and we can survive. I am tired of crying over the N and his 5 year old behavior, ha ha
an
Oh thanks!! I had just been reading one of his poison laced with honey emails…started crying but found to courage to look for help online and then found your post…started laughing as tears still ran down my face and felt much better!
These people are sick in the head. Like I have just told the narc that I have just dumped I haven’t got your appetite for playing silly games.
Wow I’m really struck at all the stories here. Thank you every one for sharing.
The experience I had was whirlwind, long distance, and ended in a final fiasco that was mastermindfully executed for optimal humiliation, shaming, and devaluing and discarding. Wow 10 out of 10, well done, N.
I hope that he’s done with me now that he’s unexpectedly married.
No contact really is the only way to go. The first 6 weeks are hell. After that the fog started to lift for me, and I began to pull out of failure to thrive. Things started making sense as snippets of things said and done came to my awareness and I understood them for the first time for what they were. I had spent so much time at the time trying to sort out what he meant. This process aged me.
Modern technology makes it easy to block people so we don’t even have to field their calls or know they called. Make full use of this.
Good things do come from this. They are on the other side of the greiving process though.
goodluck everyone, and thank you again.
I met him on Tinder. He’d tell me he can see us together. Realised on the first date something was fishy, but couldn’t see well because of infatuation and desperation for a masculine guy that he was. He saw me appear then turned away. He never stopped doing that in the next three months that we dated. He told me he would never take me out to an expensive restaurant on the first date, because he couldn’t affors it. he screamed at me one month into the relationship when I told him I booked a trip to Europe. Made me cry. He said we needed to save for moving im together. Might I add, this was HIS apartment. Hence he said its better for him this way because at least his mortgage would be paid off faster. We always, and only ever ate cheap takeout. Cheap like $1 frozen fantas. I thought he was poor. Then one day took me to a car dealer and after deciding on the car of his choice, he took out a $35,000 cheque, for a second hand car! I was gobsmacked. He was only buying the car because his boss, a narc like him, approved of that car only. This raises the alarm bells. The sadest part was he alwaysmade really bad insults about overweight people, waiters, and old people. Always told me to be careful and not gain weight or else “he’d have to have a serious chat with me “. I’m a citizen of my current country of residence, but he called me an export and a loser immigrant. He wanted every penny I earnt and kept telling me my parents wanted to steal money off me. But the truth was, he did. I once gave him $10 to buy a burger deal, and he kept questioning why I didn’t getjust the burger alone. I said….but I have enough money. He says, I’m sure you owe me some money. The worst part was his addiction to money. Once he got in his car, afterhalf an hour of being in the car with him, he looks up and goes, this is the first time I’ve seen you since you got jn the car. An hour into the drive, I just said something funny and he told me to shut up because he didn’t care. I wrote him a letter tellinf him all my love fpr him was.gone. he had given me the silent treatment for two days but once he got the letter, sat outside my house for TWO HOURS.
I dont feel anger at all. I feel neutral. The first step to finish the toxicity of a breakup with a Narc is to admit to yourself he has a mental illness. It is a rude awakening, yes, to see that this whole time he didn’t really love me. Then, I decided to share my experience and make healthy comparisons with others. Finally, I ready through comments here until 2012, to educate myself. Everytime I feel pity, I read on here and realise because of my naive nature, I simply want to believe everyone is a saint.
The weirdest part? He’s only 20