OK. On a less acerbic note.
Now, we know love is a good thing. Good love involves exchanging respect, affection, time and support with someone special. It feels good and when it has rough spots the two parties work them through.
But the harsh truth is that there are those among us who don’t love. And when they pretend to, at our expense, that’s a painful thing for the rest of us. They pretend to love because they know we’ll love them back and they like the way it feels when we adore them and struggle to make a relationship with them work. It makes them feel special.
But one day we look up and we see that we’re the one putting in all the respect, affection, time and support, and they’re taking it as well-deserved worship and hold out their hands for more.
We try to work through rough spots. And with a narcissist that’s where the REAL ouchies kick in.
In rough spots good people look at the matter and review their own role in it as well as that of their partner. Narcissists are so desperate to always look perfect to themselves that the chances are zero of them ever considering they might have caused someone discomfort. So, if the two of you have a problem, guess whose fault it is?
In rough spots good people look toward the goal of working it out and going on in better understanding. Narcissists would rather dump the whole thing and start fresh with someone else. If you’re with a narcissist, your purpose in life is to reassure them that they’re as perfect as they want to be. So, if you find that there’s something imperfect about them and show it, as in your saying, “You hurt my feelings,” “But you said you’d call. I needed to hear from you,” or “Why did you spend our whole night at the party talking to the pretty woman from work?”, then you aren’t doing your job and may need to be replaced with someone much weaker or more troubled. (Healthy, strong people defend their due and their boundaries in relationships. Narcissists hate that.)
In rough spots, good people engage in logical though maybe passionate debates about the issues. They ask each other what they want and use that information to make each other and themselves happy and fulfilled. A narcissist may very well ask you what you want; they’ll then use that information to manipulate you by threatening to withhold what you need and try to extract more attention and reassurance from you. And this is what you’ll get in return: punishment for having challenged their perfection in the first place. Threats of abandonment. Accusations. Contempt.
Does all this sound far-fetched and like a lame made-for-TV movie? Then you’ve never had an encounter with a narcissist.
If you’re with a narcissist, do research. Write your feelings down. Get some therapy. Do whatever helps, but before you do anything, get out. Just get out. And don’t look back. The view ain’t pretty.
I read both your books in their entirety today. Thank you so much for writing about this topic in a way that makes it possible to accept what is happening to me and my life. I have known or intuited what was going on for about a year now, but not did not want to acknowledge to myself that there was no hope of every getting back the “prince.” I’ve been in therapy for almost a year but still part of me wanted to hope that things would change. They have not. Marching orders have been given and was amazed that someone who literally abandoned me, with ease, time and time again is now desperately trying to stay in contact with me. After realizing that “acting” loving and kind would not work, he’s now resorted to doing things for negative attention. After reading your books, I am no longer amazed but realize this behavior is exactly what I should have expected, and it’s only strengthened my resolve to never go back. I could not understand why someone like me, nearing middle age, successful in almost every part of my life, was NOW, at this point in my life, suddenly experiencing such crazy-making drama. Thank you again for writing about a topic that has a lot of coverage on the Internet. I’ve been reading for almost a year on all this but your books are the first writing that has made me say “yes, yes, yes!” instead of “well, maybe that is him but maybe I am just reading too much into thing.”
What happens after you go “NO CONTACT” for real? It feels like this………..WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YES!! La la La la la la. Wacka wacka, skippity do0 da–skippity aye, my oh my what a wonderful day! Followed by “aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, beautiful serene peace at last” (as alex nourri puts it “theres a damn on that there BS cascade” and its permanent!) At first its hard physically as you withdraw from the chemical addiction (not too easy) but WORTH IT. The longer you’re out the better it feels. NO LONGER will you be forced to search exotic vacation destinations for clothes that make him “look good,” NO LONGER will you be used as a tool against former lovers and spouses, NO LONGER will you be judged by his devout followers who have been unknowingly used to devalue you, and NO LONGER will you be afraid to pick up the phone wondering what brand of evil unholy hell awaits you on the other end. Suddenly, you’re free off all “N” obligations. FREE to spend your money on YOU, FREE to see the beauty and sincerity of humble folk. FREE to be told you’re beautiful and sexy and special by people who want nothing from you. Youll trust again, youll date again, youll love again and it feels even BETTER than it did before the Narc because you appreciate it SO much more. DONT WAIT! Please dont wait! The switch is NO CONTACT and all you have to do is turn out the light. Like walking into the sunshine again–youll be SO glad you did!
Again ….it’s peaceful and glorious but you do sometimes feel bad about all the time you wasted on a worthless effort. How much did it hurt your kids? How much did you really sacrifice? (ALOT!) how many other people did it hurt? That’s the stinky part but the fact that you even ASK those questions after leaving means you’re a caring, empathic, kind being and the “N” is NOT asking them at all. Again YOU WIN. Even in your pain you’re reminded that you can love!
I have been in a Relationship for almost eight years now and have not been able to piece the puzzle of his behaviour together to make a real picture that makes sense.
After reading your Site and a few others, some of my Fiancee’s behaviour fits into Narcisstic, is this possible, can a man be part Narcisstic?
He shines in Public and at gatherings but as soon as we get home and the front door closes or visitors leave, he becomes someone else by being closed and coldish, not happy and open like he was at the Function. If I’m happy, joking and come back with funny replies and the people present laugh and give me attention, he gets quiet and angry towards me.
If at any time I question him about his Cheating, which he denies completely that it happens , I get the silent and freeze out treatment where he doesn’t reply to my emails, messsages and does not call me.
When we go out, he is always looking around and sort of flirting with another female who makes eye contact with him. He has an excuse for that too. He once said to me at a Restuarant, “If I go with another woman you will never know” that came out of the blue. I waited for a few weeks and gave him back his own medicine by saying “if I go with another man you will never know” he went ballistic first and then I think he remebered what he had said to me, and told me not to play games with him.
Another time at a Restuarant, he told me that if we are at a function or party and he flirts with another female, he will flirt with her until she wants him to drop his pants, then he will turn his back and walk away. I replied, ” calling John, your spaceship is leaving Mars for earth in in a few minutes” There were two other people close by who overheard this and the man looked at me and shook his head saying what a prick.
I was probably incorrect to reply to his two sayings to me but embarresment and the feeling of being belittled got the better of me.
As soon as he has a few Drinks, I am teased (I’m grabbing a Granny, Why me Lord do I have be punished like this, the women where I work think I am young and energetic etc etc) we are both in our 60s
He Lies so blantantly, like his WhatsApp opens when he reads emails and his WA is not connected to his Contact List, I noticed he was on WA sending a message to someone every evening before he went to sleep, he denied this although I saw he was on WA and typing on his phone.
He constantly deletes messages and traces of certain in and out calls from his phone in front of me…to him it is not a sign of him cheating that he does it, it’s his private life and everyone is intitled to a private life he says.
My Fiancee works away from home in another Country for a period of two months or so at a time and then returns home for a two week period.
This has to put a strain on any Relationship, to me loyalty and being faithful is what a commited relationship is all about.
When I questioned him about emails from several other Women stating that they love and miss him, can’t wait to see him again, can’t wait for kisses etc (I found these emails on my PC after he had used it) he said that it’s nothing, he has a life at home and another life where he works., I must just delete them…that cost me the Silent and Freeze Out behaviour for weeks.
There is a kind and generous side to my Fiancee too, he will give me almost anything I ask for, my Children love him a lot as he spoils them with gifts and attention and shows them that he loves them. If I had to tell one of them all of this and how I feel, they would not believe it as he makes a fuss of me in front of them and he is there for them when they need help.
Over the years I have hardly received a compliment from him except Hi Gorgeous occassionally, no compliment about how I look, how my Perfumes smells, how clean and shiny the home is, how good the Meal was I prepared, but he does compliment other females in front of me.
My Fiancee has two ex wives, he dislikes the one and ignores her completely ( he left her for the second wife whom he had an Affair with) he likes /loves the second ex who “dumped” him after Nine years of Marriage to him, she said she did it because he is unfeeling… he visits her, helps her, makes a fuss of her family etc. He said he promised her deceased Parents he will look after her when they Married…btw she is married again to someone else.
I have no problem with him befriending his exs after all they have had a life with him, I just am puzzled by his behaviour towards his first Wife who gave him two beautiful Daughters and she is a very nice person.
When my Fiancee and I first got together, there was an abundence of romance, passion, attention, making love and all the things that make a woman know that her man adores her, I do understand that a relationship has seasons and it changes as time goes on.
I told him I would like to have my Fiancee back and his reply was…when you change your attitude.
Am I too patient, too loving and understanding, too strong, too accepting, is it all my fault or is his behaviour not normal behaviour at all.
At times I have felt as it I was living in the dark but after reading about Narcissts a light shone and I started questioning things, wanting to find out why my Fiancee behaves as he does, why he has to have something on the side, why he cheats when he’s in a commited relationship. At times I have felt as if I am the only one Engaged, the only one loyal and faithful to our relationship.
There is a side of my Fiancee that fits into Narcissist and another side that doesn’t, it is now confusing to me.
I feel awful for thinking he may be Narcissist, awful for not trusting him 100%, awful that I may be responsible for his behaviour…just awful for wanting to find out about the habits of a Narcissist.
I would appreciate all comments and advice, anything all of you have to say and think
Thank you for your time and for this Space that gives me a place to tell my story, ask and receive feedback from people who know and people who have been there.
I am trying to find out if it is all my fault when I bring up an issue in our relationship, my fault for his behaviour and my fault for his cheating.
Through it all I still remain positive and wake up happy every morning; happy that I am alive, healthy and breathing, happy that I love with all my heart, happy that I live on this beautiful Planet with so much beauty around me, happy for the miracles God has given me and so very happy that I have beautiful Children and Grandbabies who love me. I love my Fiancee and I would like him to be happy too xoxoxo