So, you’re in love with a narcissist. That is SO cool; I’m guessing these are probably the best days of your life. Yeah, they have their foibles, but aren’t they so emotionally satisfying, and just fun, fun, fun?
Good Lord.
Let’s peek at some traits.
“Usually above-average intelligence…” Compared to what? They have abilities and can perform necessary tasks just like any other psychopathic lunatic, I’ll give them that. But these people are the stupidest people on Earth. There is ZERO depth to their awareness.
Take your last conversation with him (permit me the traditional pronoun here, please, gender-aware reader). Did you come away feeling enlightened? Enriched? Like you’d ‘shared?’ Or like you’d just tried to speak with a drunken baboon vaunting an attitude problem? Was it a mutually beneficial exchange of ideas, opinions or feelings, or was it you being sane and trying to make the simplest of points and him copping a defensive stance that would make the Iraqi Army jealous, using doublespeak and laughable (if they weren’t so ugly) non sequiturs designed to flummox you and make him look victorious?
IQ aside, only a moron would take a clear statement such as, “You contradicted yourself, and I need to know what you really meant,” and internally process it thusly: ‘RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Attack! Assault! Oh, so I’m contradicting myself, eh? You think I’m just a contradicting, know-nothing, argumentative horse turd, eh? You think I’m just a worthless dumb-ass jerk, eh? Well, I’ll show you!
I’LL GET YOU FOR THAT!’
Look at him with love and devotion and say, “I need to know what you mean when you say, ‘This relationship is a side-track event.’ Do you understand?” He’ll look like a deer caught in your headlights, and then collect himself and say, “Of course I understand. You’re confused by facts and logic.”
Hm. Brainy.
“Seeks out adulation…”
Here’s where some of us trip up. We love giving love, and love it when it’s well-received. Here’s the fact of it: It ain’t love they want. Love is deep. Narcissists have the depth of a sidewalk mud puddle. They only want love to the extent that it looks like worship. They like, “Oh, I just loved the way you parked the car. How do you do that, always so straight and just the right distance from the house (moonstruck looks, starry eyes)?” They hate, “I love you, and I was wondering if you thought about the future.” Even if that’s presented after 12 years together, you’re on a romantic boat trip and you’re pregnant, it will be processed thusly:
“RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Assault! Attack! You want to rip away my freedom, eh? Tell me what to do, eh? You think I can just be your puppet? You think YOU should be the one to make these decisions? Well,
I’LL GET YOU FOR THAT!”
And they do. Oh, they do.
Great Stuff!!
This has always been a premier site for understanding those tricky Ns.
It’s great to see this site
This is fabulous. Thank you for the reinforcements !!!
Alex – I am happy to see you here! You’re on my blog roll.
And greetings to Femfree
You talk about leaving a narcissist but first of all you have to convince the woman that that is what he is (can be a woman, apparently the number is increasing). Ask your friends, they will tell you what a great guy he is and aren’t you lucky that you are married to him. Your family will approve and you will wonder what kind of an idiot you are. Then you look on the internet or call a domestic violence helpline and boy, does the situation change. Sadly, there is little help out there but find a good friend or family member and ask them to help. Ask them to store valuables and essential papers including the wedding certificate, birth certificates and passports (yours and the kids). Find a good family solicitor, get legal advice and get rid of him the best way, divorce him! If you are scared, feel intimidated and, most especially if he hits you and/or the kids, call the police. Don’t um or ah, call! ?You can get an emergency injunction to keep him away and, if he does assault you, make sure the police charge him.
I am very lucky with my other half but I watch others try to get their life together which their unmentionables have destroyed. Try self assertion classes, that will help with self-esteem. Go out and find a new world and give yourself the life that you and your family deserve.
Star Trek 6 is called the “Undiscovered Country” which actually means the future. Find a new path, do not let the narcissist win, find a different, happy and whole future, it is there for you.
Just got dumped by a narcissist. Oddly, I never saw it going anywhere,but didn’t want it to end, and when it did I fell to pieces. The break-up was humiliating, but by that stage I was already on the floor. Crazy tempers for no reason made me question my own sanity. Refrains like ‘you bring out the worst in me’, ‘I’m too easygoing, that’s my problem’ and the worst – ‘they don’t like you because you’re crazy, they don’t know how to deal with you. That’s why I like you – I’m crazy too, I’m just better at hiding it’. And the extraordinary paranoia. In a restaurant, after a woman quietly reading a book next to us leaves : ‘I hate it when people sit so close to you when there’s loads of room – she was listening to us, how pathetic’. Er, no I don’t think she was. ‘YES SHE WAS, that’s your problem you just don’t see people for what they are. You’re too trusting’. Huh? The list goes on…I will never ever go there again.