Stolen from Lisa E. Scott’s Facebook page. Because this is pretty much the summary of the Army’s message. (The problem, of course, is that for most narcissists, “asshole” is too big of a word, too. Try, “go”.)
Author Archives: alexandra nouri
Narcissists hate momentum. To narcissists, there is nothing good about momentum. Momentum is powerful, positive, and takes on a life of its own — all things that terrifies a narcissist. And with momentum, you expect more of those things as time goes by, not less.
Aunt Alex’s Army loves momentum. Momentum is powerful, positive, and takes on a life of its own — all things that energize and empower the Army. And here’s one way to get your own momentum rolling.
As you detach from the toxic fun-as-cholera psycho known as the narcissist, every day counts. Every hour that you don’t respond to him or have any contact with him at all, counts. This is because it gets easier with time, especially when you have supportive people, like friends and family and the Army, around you keeping you focused. You want those hours to grow into days, and you want those days to accumulate uninterrupted.
So, get yourself a calendar. Lots of businesses have them for free, especially this time of year. If you can’t find one or buy one right now, make one.
Every day that you don’t have contact with the narcissist, cross that day off with a big X. If you respond to the narcissist, or have contact with him in any way, don’t put an X on that day. What you’re looking for is a long chain of crossed-out days on your calendar, unbroken. This might not happen right away, but I promise you — as your rows of crossed-out days on your calendar grow, you’ll be able to see why it is that you’re feeling gradually healthier — and gradually better. Like you’re recovering from cholera.
If you’re the competitive type, put yourself to a 30-day challenge, of good eating, good projects, and staying the hell away from assclowns. Let the considerable power of momentum start to carry you along, as your commitment builds and shows itself, and the only rule is to take care of yourself.
:: Because Aunt Alex gets mail.
Dear Aunt Alex,
This is unbearable. I’ve failed at trying to make this relationship work, and I know he’s a narcissist, but I see something in him, something boyish and lovable. And he keeps coming back. Surely that means something? It’s great that women have Aunt Alex’s Army if they want it, but I don’t need army life, I just need a hug from him.
I know you want a hug from him, but would it help to get a big one from Aunt Alex? And some army cadets?
There are a lot of feelings going on in your letter, but the answer to it all is nestled right in there.
“I know he’s a narcissist…”
STOP! That, right there.
There isn’t a ‘but’ in the world that negates that part about his being a narcissist.
“Right, OK, but –”
Not one single thing. He’s a narcissist. That little fact changes everything. You didn’t fail at making anything work; he did. You don’t see boyishness in him, you see immaturity. You don’t see lovability in him, you see manipulation. And he keeps coming back because he wants to get things from you and use you. And, surely, what he does doesn’t mean anything.
Now, this hurts. Your heart is broken. And you definitely, positively need a hug. But looking for a hug from a narcissist, a warm, meaningful hug that isn’t coming with strings attached, is an exercise in futility and emotional disaster. A disaster which you, Kristin, are living right now. But look for that hug from people who genuinely care about you, and you’ll get the hug, the respect, the care, and the dignity and emotional reciprocity you deserve.
The photo of the double rainbow was taken near Army Headquarters, a narcissist-free zone. We get them here pretty frequently. Coincidence? I think not.
This week’s Friday Five — Five things that are WAY more likely than a narcissist ever changing for the better.
1. Dating a guy who’s saved the lives of two million babies.
2. Petting a unicorn whale.
3. Meeting a college freshman who’s 102 years old.
4. Four dogs destroying your truck, trying to chase a kitten.
5. Dating a guy whose house has been hit by meteorites six times.
This is fake, FYI, but some good fun. Just picture your local narcissist as the guy who hit the car full of grandmas, and then tried to blame it on them. Such a sweet story.
Sound like anyone you know?
This week’s Friday Five — Five ways in which narcissists reveal their profound insecurities:
1. Dressing like a teenage skateboarder, except with a goatee, even though he’s 44 and wrinkly.
2. Checks his phone for texts at least 92 times an hour, even though no one texts him except for Verizon telling him his credit card is expired.
3. In board games with kids, gets into arguments with them about the rules and pouts if he loses.
4. Accidentally hits an opossum with his truck, and says, with a straight face, “That thing didn’t know who it was dealing with.”
5. Says, “If I were to ask you to move in with me, what would you say?” You answer, “Are you asking me to move in with you?” He replies, again with the straight face, “No, I’m just asking what you would say if I did.”
:: Because Aunt Alex gets mail.
Dear Aunt Alex:
I’ve heard that there are therapies, like Dialectic Behavioral Therapy, and Schema Therapy, that work on people with personality disorders. This gives me a lot of hope. Should I go ahead and make the narcissist an appointment?
Yes, I admit it — of course you should! The sooner the better! Hang in there, Beth, and best of luck!
OK, now, Beth is going to keep that nincompoop busy for a good while longer, so we needn’t worry about him bothering us any time real soon. So, for the rest of us, here’s the thing about psychotherapy and narcissists:
1. They probably won’t go to real therapy, ever, unless it’s for some stupid fake reason like, “I want to figure out why I keep settling for such unworthy women.” Narcissists very rarely acknowledge that there’s anything wrong with them, much less anything as rigid, assclownish and difficult to help as NPD. Even if they say they’ll go to therapy, that’s still a far cry from their actually going and sticking with it.
2. If they do go to a therapist, it’ll be about three weeks (out of a two-year intensive treatment plan) before they’ll be calling themselves cured and quit therapy. “I got all I need out of it. I can self-manage from here.” They’ll fake all the psychobabble stuff, just like they fake everything else, and be exactly the same as they were before — except a little more smug and a lot more annoying. (“Look, I went to therapy for you, and the therapist said I didn’t even need it. Now, what have you done for me lately?”)
3. If the therapist is new, or kinda soft, the narcissist will snow her with little effort and manipulate the therapist into telling him everything he wants to hear — he’s amazing, it’s all your fault, and maybe they should go and discuss this more over drinks. (OK, therapists don’t say that last part, but the narcissist will think she (or he) did.)
I’m sorry, I really am, but narcissism does not respond meaningfully to psychotherapy, drugs, inpatient care, or anything else psychiatry or behavioral health have to offer. You can’t treat it with vitamins, an exercise regimen, antidepressants, or herbs. Meditation? Great for you, useless against NPD. Family counseling, an intervention, rational-emotive behavioral therapy, gestalt therapy, an ice bath, a colonic cleanse? I’m sorry, Cadet. When Mister Turtle is dead, he’s dead, and needs to be buried. When Mister Toad is a narcissist, well, you need to let go of him, too, and cut your losses, because therapy bounces right off, drugs can’t sustain, and a girl has gotta get real, and move on.
This week’s Friday Five — Five bizarre things narcissists have said to Aunt Alex:
1. You are a FAKE!
2. Who are you talking about on that website? Nobody acts like that.
3. Your ‘Blame Game’ approach helps no one, Lady.
4. You think you’re a know-it-all about narcissists? Takes one to know one, doesn’t it?
5. Just another hate site. Bite me, hater “auntie”.
Aunt Alex didn’t get the Friday Five out as expected. So, here we are:
Six Ways to Leave Your Narcissistic “Lover”
1. Just get out.
3. Run, don’t walk.
4. Never look back.
5 Don’t bother leaving a “Dear John” letter.
6. Feel free to take any of his pets with you as a humanitarian rescue effort, unless they’re as psychotic as he is. If he balks later, tell him they must have escaped his BS when they saw the going was good, just like everyone else.
This Week’s Friday Five: Five Ways to Get Rid of an Uninvited Narcissist Visitor
1. Tell him he looks fat in those pants.
2. Ask him if the reason he’s here is because he’s already bored everyone else to death.
3. Ask him if he has the money he owes you.
4. Tell him you’re glad he’s here, because the elderly lady down the road needs her lawn mowed. Call her in front of him, and tell her he offered.
5. Never, ever underestimate the beauty of mace.