It’s another holiday weekend in America, and everyone is having a wonderful time with their psychopath, picnicking, frolicking with children, swimming, gardening, having backyard dinners and campfires. He’s fun and happy, not drinking too much, and feeling lucky to be there with you, and having him around gives you a sense of peace and well-being. Right?
Oh, you’re not whining because he’s getting hammered, or spending all of your money, or has disappeared without telling you where he’s going, are you? He’s not embarrassing you at your sister’s place by pretending to be an insufferable know-it-all while being wrong most of the time, surely? He’s never touched you or talked about you inappropriately in front of his friends, or taken you somewhere to a party and then left you to go talk to other people — and seemingly forgot you were there, right? Only a jerk would do any of those things.
Cadets, Aunt Alex loves you, and hopes you’re spending the holiday with people who see that you’re a treasure and treat you like it, too. But if you’re not, please know that this is a fabulous opportunity in disguise — to play the…
Psychopath On A Holiday Game!
Two points for each correct answer. No peeking at your neighbor’s screen! LET’S PLAY!!
(1) You get home after working a holiday shift, tired and brain-dead and with sore feet. Your man:
a). Makes you a daiquiri and offers to rub your feet
b). Asks you about ordering some take-out while you get in the shower
c). Told you he’d be there, but is nowhere to be found, and left you a note listing some things he needs you to do, and tells you not to wait up
d). Is drunk and on the phone inviting friends over for a cookout, which he expects you to prepare
(2) The lawn and garden are a mess, and you both decide to have a satisfying weekend of working outside. Your man:
a). Gets up early to get a head-start on the mowing, so you can do the gardening together
b). Looks adorable trying to figure out how to turn on the rental roto-tiller
c). Called a friend, and said he forgot about the gardening and promised his friend he’d go kayaking with him. And leaves.
d). Lazes around until your attractive neighbor stops by, and then leaps into action, carrying heavy bags of mulch in front of her with his shirt off
(3) You catch the douche canoe in a lie about where he was last night. Your man:
a). Explains he only fibbed to cover up a surprise for you, and gives you a puppy named America
b). Rolls his eyes at you and says he can’t deal with your paranoia right now, and leaves.
c). Shrugs, and says, bizarrely and falsely, “After all the times you’ve lied, I’m surprised you’re making a big deal out of it.”
d). Pretends he doesn’t know what you’re talking about until you give up.
Congratulations, Cadet, you win!!
And I’m sorry about that.
It’s about 6 weeks until Independence Day. Let’s see if we can get rid of the dead weight in your life before then, shall we?
To all those who have served or are serving in the Armed Forces, or are a member of a military family — Aunt Alex and the entire Army thank you for your service.