New Year, New You, Same Old Toad.

Dear Troops,

Dark days never last.

Auntie Alex is back from her covert, clandestine ops deployment, and is happy — very happy — to see so many people sticking with their toads, feeling certain that if they just work more, love harder, and try, try, try, the relationship will finally work out and they’ll be rewarded for all that devotion.  Hang in there, gals!  It won’t do any of you a blasted bit of good, but it helps keep the assclowns away from the rest of us!

For everyone else, it’s good to be back at Army Headquarters. Aunt Alex has seen so much.  It’s a scary world out there, ’tis true, but there is a radiant, enduring light at the end of the tunnel: You’re going to be OK.  If you’re here at the Army info page, you’ve been in a “relationship” with a narcissist.  A toad.  A poopstain so toxic that your head is left spinning, you’re questioning your sanity, and you feel like roadkill — 110% depleted, abused, and without hope.  All normal relationship snags and break-ups involve frustration, anger, and heartbreak, but normal fights and break-ups don’t leave you needing meds, a thousand reality checks, and a lawyer. It’s a scary world because it’s still infested with narcissists, and everyone must be careful lest they get ripped off, heartbroken, or attacked.

But if you’re here with us, you’re going to be OK.  You may not feel it at the moment, and sometimes just when you feel like you’ve got it together he catches you in a weak moment and you completely fall apart. (Please don’t beat yourself up when this happens.  Narcissists are very, very skilled at this, and the emotionally generous healthy person doesn’t stand much of a chance.)  You may watch other people who you know damn well are in a relationship with a narcissist, and they seem to be doing fabulously, and so you feel like a failure for not making your relationship work.  You may just feel like crap, emotionally devastated and not so great physically, either. All of this is hugely important, but it doesn’t change this fact: You’re going to be OK.


He won’t. The toad won’t be OK.  Ever.  He’ll continue to be really good at pretending he’s fabulous, but he’s not. He, and everyone in his inner circle, are flat-out miserable, I guarantee it.  Only people who are rotting inside work so intensely hard to try to prove they’re awesome, lucky, and enviable.

You won’t drop anchor at OK; you’ll go on to content, serene, and downright happy.  But for now, it’s fine to aim for OK. It’s a good place to rest.

For the narcissists and other toads reading this over the cadets’ shoulders: Hi, Douchebags.  Miss me?



photo credits: #1-aunt alex #2-banksy


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17 Responses to New Year, New You, Same Old Toad.

  1. karen

    Gosh I’ve need my Aunt Alex. Having a hard time trying to distinguish the toads from the normal guys that I just happen to project all of my post toad insecurities and suspicions on. I met a great guy but anytime he gets a little controlling or possessive I go running for the meds and I need 3 hours to rock in a corner. I honestly can’t tell if its him or me at this point. Yes he’s a little dominant but definitely not abusive and very sincere. I really love the guy but I’m so afraid that my filter is broken. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. Thank you for coming back!!

  2. Annie

    Just when I feel like I can’t pick myself off the floor… You show up to give me Rays of sunlight and make me laugh so hard I almost pee myself. Your saving my day once again!!!! Thank you Aunty!! Lololololos

  3. Beth

    Yeah, I missed you. You make me laugh. I don’t subscribe to you because of a narcissist (he was 20 years ago), but because you always remind me of The Day I Laughed, the first day of my most valiant campaign.
    I’d tried every weapon in the arsenal on the toad when, one day, something in a book made me laugh. So I laughed, and laughed … and then, though I could have stopped if I’d wanted, I even laughed some more.
    And then I realised how good that felt.
    And that made me wonder how long since I’d had a good laugh.
    And that turned out to be (surprise!) about the two years I’d known the toad.
    And that’s when I found I couldn’t escape the inescapable truth I’d escaped for so long:
    “I’ve been taking this ‘assclown’ way too seriously!”

    And so, I went right out and I did something that had never even occurred to me before – I “disobeyed” him on something (and my, how naughty and nervous that made me feel).
    And his reaction was so predictable and so exaggerated that, guess what, I laughed (inside – not safe to laugh at them).

    And that was it, really. For the first time, it felt safe to put down all my other weapons –anger, sarcasm, “helping” him to communicate (haha!ha!!) etcetera – because I’d found the world’s most powerful weapon. I could laugh.

    Sure, there was pain in getting out of there, and after. Lots of pain, actually. But, it fades. Nowadays, like any old soldier, I quite enjoy reflecting on my glorious campaign (it even improves with age!) – the time I laughed my way out of the trenches and right out of the goddammed war.

    Good life lesson.

    Bless you, Aunt Alex. Keep that weapon primed.

  4. Jacqueline Detora

    I feel so awful. 20 years of one man I thought loved me and was faithful – just found out he is in love with someone else and has been cheating on me for atleast 10 of 20 years. The sad thing is I can’t get over him ..I cry all the time and even tho he had been a rotten bastard I miss him. A friend sent me to this site and she was right it does help..a little ..but I’ll take anything I can get. Thank you

  5. JoAnn

    Your timing couldn’t get any better. I was having a terrible day after hearing how GREAT my ex and his girlfriend are doing. You always set my mind straight about the facade of these TOADS! Thank you so much!!!!

  6. Christina

    You are a genius, 5 star general of the first order Aunt Alex! I think a comic book series should be made with you as the superhero, squashing toads and raising your army wherever you go!

  7. Julesann

    I am SOOOOO glad Aunt Alex is back!!! I read both of your books a few months ago and they were so inspiring and helpful… (not to mention throwing humor in in the midst of the hell of a relationship with a toad…aka…assclown…aka poopstain ( which, btw, I nearly peed myself when I read that LOL)
    Thank you!!!

  8. Jessica

    Hello Alex, just found your site. Hilarious way of expressing , and I think I need reminders more than ever right now. read as much as I can


  9. Jodi Ann

    Your awesome! Thank you so much for your hard work and dedication to helping so many of us understand and recover from being “pee’d on” by a toad disguised as a frog prince. Not only is your writing so enlightening, it is also funny, supportive and, of course, DEAD ON! I had many Aha!, OMG!, and LOL! moments. I’m SO glad your back!

  10. CupCakery

    “New Year, New You” I think this line says it all. I’m even somewhat thankful for my experience with a toad. Because I feel like I’ve been reborn now. It made me stronger, made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker. So thanks a toad for making me FIGHTER! :) And thank you Aunt Alex for your brilliant books. I want more and more of your writing!

  11. becky

    Nice to see you’re back. Talk about needing meds. Lol. I knew it would take awhile, but the reality is just beginning to settle in. I can’t take my health for granted, I have to be very gentle with myself. I have to treat myself far better than I was ever treated in my marriage- “relationship” lol. I have to remember that.

  12. Pandora

    I got rid of my toad in November 2014 after almost 6 YEARS of ‘fun’ – so glad you’re back. I adopted a Puppy which REALLY helped me get over the hump. He’s been fading into the background ever since..seeming smaller and more ridiculous…life is GOOD!!

  13. Bianca

    It’s funny…like a black hole, they suck all your friends in…I don’t know if the inner circle is miserable. It changes every few years, but some have been there for a lifetime. Some of the others are hedonistic or borderline. I guess misery loves company.

  14. debby

    Please continue telling us what we already know – these f- ers are dangerous to mind, body, and soul. While you try to ground your life he has a plan for you and it isn’t pretty.
    Run fast, run hard, run to save what’s left of what you thought was your life- don’t rationalize because he won’t miss a step other than the crumbs of his over blown ego. He pays whores for his kind of love -period.

  15. Petra

    Aunt Alex! I missed you! I see you havent been back lately. Please come back. I find your sense of humor very enjoyable. Pretty please?

  16. Kelly Collins

    I would like to know how I get your postings on a regular basis. I am married to a narcissist and have considered taking my own life several times. You give me hope !

  17. Charlie

    Hi Alex,
    I’ve recently finished your book and it felt like you were talking directly to me, so thank you. I know I’ve got a long long way to go, I think I’ve just experienced the final discard, and my N has moved onto someone new and is parading her in front of me every chance he can get. I just can’t seem to get past the hurt of this new woman, she has appeared so seemingly out of the blue. Deep down I know I’m lucky to be free but I’m struggling with the thought of him moving on so quickly.
    Any words of advice from anyone who’s been here?
    Thank you. xx

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