So, Aunt Alex was with a narcissistic old flame the other day, making out with him in the back seat of a flames-embellished, spoiler-bedecked Hyundai, when….
Hm. Got your attention there, didn’t I.
And now, let’s leap right to the point here: Life is complex, feelings are complex, and relationships are complex, but when it comes to narcissists, simple is your friend. Bare-bones, reduced-to-the-elements points are your friends. Straight-talk is your friend.
I’ll bet dimes to doughnuts that you’ve bought into the BS of a narcissist before. You’ve done this not because you’re dumb, or weak, but because you’re emotionally generous. You give the benefit of the doubt. You allow for some wiggle-room. But, boy, would the straight talk ever sound different:
Wiggle-room: “I’ll just hear him out and see what he has to say.”
Reality: “I’ll just give him MORE attention and give myself MORE hope, when the truth is I’ll only end up hurt and depressed.”
Wiggle-room: “It’s OK if we spend a little time together. I won’t let things go too far.”
Reality: “Things absolutely will go too far, because he’s a scammer and a liar, but I won’t see it coming until it’s too late.”
Wiggle-room: “I’m a kind person and I believe in people who want to change.”
Reality: “I want him to change, and want to help him change, but he hasn’t yet, is all talk now, and isn’t putting up an ounce of effort other than the blathering about it.”
Wiggle-room: “We were only talking. We missed each other.”
Reality: “We were making out in his car, while his fiancee waited for him to come and pick her and their new baby up at the hospital.”
See how that works?
It’s the narcissist who is damaged goods, and he can plow a path of emotional sewage and destruction without any help from the rest of us. When we give a narcissist so much as a micron of wiggle-room, you can bet your doughnuts he’ll use it to shove through your personal boundaries and wreak further havoc on your life. Second chances, second-guessing, letting his abuses go, forgiving and forgetting — none of these approaches have a role in dealing with a narcissist. It’s like adopting a rabid dog who’s already bitten you and your family members multiple times, because you think he might be OK now. It’s just not a safe, or likely, or worthwhile bet.
Narcissists are liars and phonies who will never change, ever; not soon, not later, not a lot or a little. Cut your losses, and you’ll be glad you listened to your own straight-talk.
Perfect!
Straight talk=Truth… How convincing their lies are.. Accept truth in all circumstances as your guide. There are so many good people in the world. Not a minute of time is worth spending on people with no conscience!
Love your posts! Been there, done that comes to mind when I read this recent post. They will never change and I’ve learned everything about them is a lie. Trust your instincts and move on (in fact, run as fast as you can).
Wow how we justify our behavior when we are contemplating that second chance!! I’ve thought about it but haven’t acted on it and this post is a great reminder why no contact is so important.
Whew, right on time! What a piercing arrow of truth…glad to be hit by it.
The only thing that changes for a narcissist is their version of the facts. Oh how wonderful, charming and intelligent they are – they are never wrong! The truth is they are masters of deception and truly caring for someone other than themselves is impossible. End of story. We need to be honest with ourselves and say “you aren’t enough for me.”
Truer words could not be spoken. Ns are masters of deceit and deception. They will take any fact/situation and twist/contort it to fit their bottomless pit of needs. It shouldn’t cease to amaze me anymore when dealing with my XN, but now that I can be objective, I am amazed that I ever bought into it. But like many of us, I did, for years. To thy own self be true. You know the truth. An Ns version is NOT it. NO CONTACT is the best way to keep your truth barometer intact.
Too true. The narcissist in my life is by marriage & not a romantic relationship, but the pushing of boundaries stays the same. Healthy lives don’t usually involve narcissists, as you guys well know 😉
I know in my head the truth about my lying, cheating toad. I still don’t know the truh in my heart. I remember the early days of idealization and how good it felt. Then he abandoned me abruptly to be with the other woman. What a blow! I know I am better without him but it still hurts. I am very hurt and very angry. Practicing no contact. Most days are good…still hard.
Oh that image of the toad at the door! That was enough to make all the struggle to stay away feel right. After only five months I already feel saner and able to enjoy my little quiet life again. Thankyou for your bravery and wisdom Alexandra Nouri.
Oh so very true. How about the time he (unbeknownst to me) literally dropped a “fiance” at the curb of the hospital to have surgery, and never bothered to contact her for a week after. Or the time he and a “fiance” went dirt bike riding, and she broke her wrist, and he drove home leaving her to load her bike and haul herself to urgent care. Or the time I was sick and trying to reach him by phone and couldn’t get him to answer because……. you guessed it!
I dunno how his pants were never on fire for all the lies he told.
This is so educative. I have given wiggle-room in the past and the straight talk version is a true representation of reality. Thank you for this.
I need serious help with this first conversation:
Wiggle-room: “I’ll just hear him out and see what he has to say.”
Reality: “I’ll just give him MORE attention and give myself MORE hope, when the truth is I’ll only end up hurt and depressed.”
Specifically, when co-parenting. I am constantly railroaded by him because I give people the benefit of the doubt. And, when I do shut off conversation, I am accused of “not responding,” and putting plans for the children in jeopardy, manipulating, and turning the kids against him.
Any specific help there??