1. Peaceful, nourishing, enjoyable celebrations are so BORING, and thoughtful gifts are SO overrated. Give me disappointment and disillusionment ANY day.
2. His whining about not getting the gift, attention, treats, dinner, or EXACT expression of appreciation he wanted, will make any cranky children look like angelic, mature, serene and wise sophisticates in comparison.
3. Usually they don’t even bother showing up, or calling, or following through on any plans. This means you get his serving of dessert.
4. Having a narcissist in the room means he’ll be desperately sucking ALL the attention his way. NO ONE will notice if the tree is crooked or the turkey is dry.
5. Take him to the office Holiday party, and all the old workplace interpersonal tensions will be forgotten. Your colleagues will be too busy feeling sorry for you for having such a jackass in your life.
6. His laying in the Barca Lounger like a hairy, farting manatee all day means he’ll have LOTS of energy for the three minutes of intimacy he’s got in store for you tonight! Rawr!
7. You didn’t really want help with those decorations anyway. After all, you just have to take them down again in January.
8. Kids LOVE playing the “Guess How Many Half-Siblings We Have That Mommy Doesn’t Know About” game. It’s a narcissist family favorite.
9. Knowing perfectly well he’s going to passive-aggressively ruin your day, you can spend HOURS and HOURS mapping out a reverse-psychology, pre-emptive, out-do-the-narcissist manipulation strategy. Yes, it will consume all your energy and free time, and will fail anyway, but it’ll be SO worth it.
10. And finally, the answers are, “Yes.” Yes, he did pick out that lingerie for you while thinking mostly about how it will look on him. And yes, he did unwrap the store package and try it on before rewrapping it and giving it to you. Enjoy.