Reader Alert: Not for young eyes or those of tender constitution. Proceed with caution.
First, I hope you giggled a little at that title, because if there’s anything a toad ISN’T, it’s a great lover. Don’t get me wrong, some of them have acceptable technique. But even that is part of their disorder — if you look closely at any very good technique they have or anything you like, whether it’s their kiss, their pace, or a certain touch, they probably learned it from you. They’re either mimicking you, or are repeating — over and over — what they think you like. They have no personal style that’s partner-oriented. Creepy deviance is likely; pleasant creativity is unheard of. Sex on the fly is likely; true intimacy is starkly lacking. He’ll accuse you of being frigid or not liking sex, when the truth of the matter is you just don’t want his sweaty manatee fatness grunting on you. He’ll pleasure himself on your body while you’re trying to sleep, and act like he’s just anointed you with the nectar of the Greek Gods. And you should thank him for annoying you, using you, and getting you all gross before sleeping.
Face it. Narcissists suck in bed.
People like sex. This is because sex is really, really awesome. Toads with personality disorders, however, are not really, really awesome, and they tend to have one of two approaches to sex.
(1) “I have an erection! Let’s have a parade!”
Yeah. He has an erection. This is supposed to be as fascinating for you as it is for him. You’re supposed to experience his erection as he does when he has it, and get all hot, aroused and freaky right at that moment, and magically know how to thrill him sexually. Forget about YOU being satisfied sexually, or when YOU are aroused and want to spend time with him; you’re supposed to be fulfilled by helping him to achieve orgasm, and every sexual encounter together should be a greatest hit. If you don’t have a great time, it’s because there’s something wrong with you, not because he’s a selfish lover. The beginning of the sexual experience is defined by his erection, and the end by his orgasm. Then he’ll pat you on the butt and roll over and go to sleep. This, my friends, is not love-making. It’s masturbation using another person as a sex toy.
(2) “I am Tarzan! Lord of the jungle! No, wait, I am Pre-Transgender-Woman, hear me ROAR! No, wait, I’m a MAN, but, gay and PROUD! Wait, what’s a transvestite — and is “bi” still available?”
I have never seen anything so pathetic and hopeless as the sexually confused narcissist. And I assure you most vigorously, they’re as common as fleas on a hound dog. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a narcissist who was both secure and comfortable in his sexuality. They want EVERYONE to love them and want them, so, actually, nothing and no one is off the table (so to speak) when it comes to potential sex partners. And their identity in ALL departments is so flimsy and malleable, including their sexual identity, that they don’t really have a firmly established gender identity or sexual alignment. They want attention and adoration from anything that moves, and if sex is a way to get it, so be it. They’re the ultimate slut — they’ll truly hump anything.
For both of those two types, though, be sure that when a narcissist has sex, he thinks he’s a Greek God at it. It’s healthy for people to feel sexy and confident and comfortable during sex, but that’s not what’s going on with him. No, he’s PERFORMING. To HIMSELF. He’s the guy who mirrors over the bed were made for, so he can watch himself — not the two of you having a loving, intimate time, but himself, being a golden Greek God. And like with anything else, the truth of the matter is he sucks at it. So to speak. Sex isn’t a bonding behavior for him, with shared passion and afterglow and tender endearments, it’s a release and a GREAT way to be passive-aggressive. To withhold, to let you down, to begrudge and to abuse.
He’ll pretend he loves and get your response, your love, and get you to give yourself over to him, and then devalue and discard just like he does with everything else. Narcissists make their lovers feel needy, because their lovers do all the giving and get so very little in return — and the resulting emotional deficit is VERY uncomfortable.
Doesn’t matter if he’s good-looking, has beautiful eyes, a large dong, or good lines. Sex is just a more painful version of the same emptiness and lack of bonding ability as he offers with every other part of the relationship. That’s not what sex is all about, Friends, and there’s nothing Greek God-like about a toad.