How to Make a Narcissist Pay

Mmm, it’s delicious to think about sometimes, isn’t it — making that mofo writhe in misery to pay for the pain and destruction he’s caused. It’s justice, with flair and attitude. And, how hard can it be? Spraypainting “assclown” on the side of his car, lobbing dozens of eggs at his house, or getting him drunk and, when he falls asleep, drawing daffodils on his forehead with permanent markers. Tying him down and tattooing “I hurt people” across his clavicle. Posting unflattering pictures of him in the post office with the FBI Most Wanted, or in public restrooms with “Pervert” written on them.

Ahem. Not that Aunt Alex spends much time daydreaming about such things. (This is true. I’m usually thinking about Italian food.) But it’s perfectly healthy thought-play, orchestrating revenge scenes in your head, and the more elaborate and creative, the better. He hurt you, and you’re allowed some justice-dreaming.

But what I encourage you to think about doing is very, very different from what I encourage you to actually do. Your wanting the narcissist to suffer is completely understandable, and it’s wonderfully fortunate that the best way to make him suffer is also the best thing for you. See, all that stuff above feels good to us as revenge, but he’ll actually love your retaliations because it’s just more attention directed his way. The technique to make him really suffer is — wait for it — ignore the living daylights out of him.

Shun him. Obey the “No Contact” rule. Sit shiva for him, so that he’s dead to you. However you want to put it, the plan is for you to have nothing to do with the narcissist. This leaves YOU going on with your life and putting the pieces back together, and HIM squirming in his toxic juices.

This is the BEST way to make a narcissist pay, and the BEST thing for you, but it’s not perfect. The missing will be excruciating. And the ignoring him will make him try really, really hard to get your attention. Resisting these efforts on his part will be monumentally hard for an emotionally generous person. It’ll be a giving person shutting out someone she’s loved, who says he wants to get back together — a pretty dangerous situation. For that reason, shutting him out won’t be fun, or easy, or likely to be successful the first time. If he catches you in a weak moment, it’ll go like this:  you’ll shut him out, he’ll beg to come back, you’ll allow him back into your life, and he’ll be just as destructive and assclowning as before (if not more so). This isn’t a bad thing, because then, when you ignore the crap out of him the next time, you’ll KNOW what you’re in for if you let him back. Experience is a great teacher.

That putting your life back together part doesn’t get talked about much, and it’s critically important to keep from being vulnerable to another narcissist. Beefing up boundaries is a mandatory part of recovery. And letting all the air out of his tires while he’s at a bar meeting another woman, releasing a box of snakes in his house, and posting his picture and a detailed list of his mental and physical shortcomings on the “news” page of your town, are perfectly splendid ideas best left unexplored.

129 Comments

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129 Responses to How to Make a Narcissist Pay

  1. Case

    This is a difficult one. I consider myself a person of action, so surrendering to the art of inaction is challenging. I understand that it is the most effective way to move on, and to bother them, but it is like fighting against my nature to do it. The first few days of “no contact” is hard, then ignoring the urge to respond to them when they contact you is even harder. But what are the options? To be miserable and abused or to “suffer” through no contact until I am ultimately free from the N? I choose temporary suffering for a lifetime of happy, but I just wish it wasn’t so darn hard! Thanks, Alex!

    • Echo

      Well, first I made an appointment with the psychiatrist who had helped me when a family member unexpectedly died and he gave me one little book to read. Geez, I never knew what narcissists were. Shocker! So then I read about a thousand more pages about narcissism. It was hard to believe this is incurable- but even the pro’s stay away from these folks. While it is not their fault in the sense that they did not do this to themselves, I think all of us are responsible for our conduct. But even though after this research I realized No Contact was necessary, I also felt like I was wronged and did not get a chance to tell my side, the real side, of events, much less an apology. And I was still crying over the loss of the soul mate who convinced me to quit my job and sell my house so we could be together. At least we never pooled our resources.
      But it was still too was too much injustice for one sincere gal. And gradually I realized his turning cold towards me was not because of my “faults” but just that I got too close to him and he has a cycle that means you are “used up”. Everybody is. So I changed course. I devoted some, actually a lot, of my negative energy and frustration to researching, meticulously, what he was up to. I made a list of supply that he was enjoying. Then I registered for an e-mail that was ostensibly one of his own buddies and outed him ( rather, I let the fantasy buddy out him!) to the OW, his friends, the people he was trying to impress, the works. I made sure to include just enough facts that he would never suspect I was privy to, with some speculation tossed in that would activate his paranoia push his hot buttons. Wow! What a meltdown. It also provided a nice checklist that everyone on the e-mail will eventually be able to use to gauge his future actions and then remember that they were warned by his noble friend. He thinks he is smarter than everyone, even though I am an honor student with an IQ of 135. So he does not even suspect that he has been outsmarted. If you try this it has to be this way. You have to get justice from afar and anonymously. My calculated and just actions helped me get my mojo back. It has also helped me to move on. The one qualifier is- you are dealing with an experienced and professional liar, so be SURE you do this from afar, after you enact No Contact and that nothing, I mean nothing, is traceable back to you. You would not believe how much easier it was to let go once I got to get my side out in front of his VIP circle. Forgiveness? Sure, following justice;-)

      • lucy

        I am in a similar situation right now. I feel like I have enough intelligence gathered to warn these poor suppliers who have no idea what is happening(long list) and most importantly to his live in girlfriend who I didn’t even know existed. I feel so sorry for her. She is so passive and alone, isolated. Since I caught on a few months back, I began sparking up with an old flame who I am very fond of. I have now left the N for good and I am ready to out him, but there is one problem…….he’s a real sicko and I discovered sex videos of us that he secretly recorded. He doesn’t know I saw them, and I tried to stay longer and gain access to them again and destroy them, but he’s fiercely paranoid and very shrewd and I couldn’t. Additionally, I’m not certain but I believe some of the other videos were with other women, clients at his job. Now I know that has to be at minimum a cause for reprimand. So my dilemma is, do I go back in to his web and risk him retaliating and destroying my reputation and relationship?? Do I just leave every woman for herself and not help them? What about his poor fiancé who has been so psychologically abused that I feel she might break. Another supplier of his ended up in the psych ward. Also, he told me an ex girlfriend committed suicide (of course he claims to have not been the cause of any of it). He is the most destructive, weak, intelligent, handsome, self-loathing, fake, charming, spiteful, envious, miserable man I’ve ever known. Most of the women are not as high functioning as he is. However, it’s time he was humbled. Tell me about your check list, what exactly do you mean?

        • Echo

          The checklist was a series of facts, things that revealed his cover ups and lies. For example, he told me he had “never cheated” on any woman, so I was able to quote dates and times he was with her (she’ll know they are true- he won’t’ know how I found out so it will preserve my cover) and then with me (she will know he wasn’t with her and be able to compare why he said he couldn’t see her). Make sure his closest buddies, her buddies and any people he is trying to impress are copied- blind copied- so that only a few will mention it to him and he has to “wonder” how many people are in the know. Be sure to say both gals are sweet – you and the OW- from your third party position, so everyone else can see the PATTERN. Believe me, it takes as much work as constructing a crime novel, but it was worth it for me.

    • Winner

      The best thing I found: choose not to be a victim. See him for the sad, sorry, pathetic creature he is, rise above him, put your foot down and zoom away, knowing that you’ve been enriched by learning something new about human behaviour. He will be OK. He has enough belief in himself.

    • I am tormented by my x-narc’s persistent stalking. He is a cyber stalker. It has been 1 1/2 years of full-on “no contact” and although I m at the highest privacy settings social media, he still stalks me. I have 2 art websites and I have installed an IP tracker so that I can tell where all the visits are coming from. Basically, the tracker tells me everything except exactly who you are so I know every time he visits. I have since blocked him so when he visits my websites he gets a nasty message and a pop-up “stop!” Now he has hired a proxy server to visit my website (a go between server) and torments me with his comments about my quotes and songs that my. In all this continued abuse I have not responded but I feel violated and rageful. I feel he is still abusing me. I know it is my choice to look and see if he has visited but I cannot stop checking. I don’t know why after a year and a half he is still trying to be vengeful especially with no response from me. It doesn’t make sense. He does not get a peep out of me no matter what he posts! I am beside myself. Please help to shed some light on this.

    • Glades20

      Not to mention, If you push back on a Narcissist hard enough, they WILL try to kill you.

  2. You make a great point, and I know of what you speak. One thing that works for some folks who feel the push to do something, is to turn nothing into something.

    Here’s what that means. Toad-boy calls your cell. Leaves a voice message. “I miss you. Was hoping we could talk soon.” Instead of saying, “I’m not gonna call him back, I’m gonna try not to call him back”, tell yourself, “I’m on a mission. Holding the course. Staying active at staying clean and sober and OFF the toad-toxin.” I know, it’s weird, and the “clean and sober” thing isn’t for everyone, but it works. This is because instead of trying to sit on your hands and restrain yourself, now you’re trying to actively do something ELSE — something that’s way cooler and a reminder that what he has to offer is indeed a toxin.

    And it always will be.

  3. Case

    Thank you for the great suggestion, Alex! I just need to think of it differently…not witholding something from myself, but encouraging myself to be free. The “clean and sober” concept works for me. I will make a conscious decision to move on and away. I like it.

  4. e

    When you are still addicted the “toxin” is your drug. It is sick. I am almost free but I have suffered tremendously for over eight months trying to break the spell.

    • Cindy

      I am in that sane situation where he has turned on me fir something HE did! It’s been awhile since your post, how dud you get through it because right now I feel like just dying.

  5. Stine

    Thanks for this – I have been played by a Narcissist but I have still kept in contact therefore have extended my pain because yes…. He texts me when he hasn’t heard from me, then when I text him back – No response. Still a TOXIC TOAD. This is it. It’s over and I’m on my mission.

    • sam

      Mine does that too. Head games

      • Juanita Esparza

        Mine too! It drives me nuts….then I start writing and he calls me a lunatic. It is crazy-making!!!

        • lori

          Im well lets just say involved with my boss n he takes full advantage of me by ostracising me critizing my wrk even.though his store has never looked so good and in the next breath he can get me to do about anything wat.started out as a simple.f/t position onsite ended up into 3-4 ft jobs from wrking in his bz to traveling for him as well as managing a rental property to organizing n.updating his life so it stays current as well as p.i. wrk and finding a group of thiefs that robbed his home from nothing other then there ph number and recently h employed his former store mgr who he was also sleeping with he decided to move her into his adjoing apt although she had been wrking in another location with him the last few months it is now time for himto leave n she make his life total hell cus she wants more then he can give her he still wants to sneak around with me but on the d.l cus.of.the hell shell put him thru well today he told me basically he was giving her my job n.id be wrking to pay my rent n heat he did all this with knowing how many jobs i do cus im.to pay rent by the means he gives me outside my emplyoment in sales but commistion only im crushed n iv came from a history of domestic abuse n battered womans syndrom n find myself angry n revengful not to him but to her cus shes his narc. N then he treats me like she does him wen they do get along but id be homless with my daughter n i know this lady would cumple under lil to no pressure so how can i make her buckle fast i just want my job hes.over in my head.which is.a.good.thing cus im.sorry folks but i am married although he is in jail i am.still a taken woman n i give this man more.of me then.my husband.HELP

  6. Angie

    How do you ignore a narcissist boss when you’re his secretary?!

  7. chele

    Staying away from the toad toxin is excrutiatingly painful. Its killing me. If I survive “this” and beat it, I can definately quit smoking lol

  8. Eve

    My sociopath is so talented…..he didn’t have to take every penny I had, make me commit a crime I went to jail for while he was free, ruin my good credit and reputation….but he did. What the hell was wrong with me??

  9. Dawn O.

    I tried 3 times to leave my toad, and always got sucked back down into his dark, subterranean, sunless universe where he was God and I was there to worship him no matter what he did. Finally I had him investigated and got incontrovertible proof of the rest of his life. The other women. The other victims. And an STD. That pretty much made me decide to come back up into the air, and light, and LIFE. After I got myself back on the path to health (it was bacterial, thank GOD — the REAL God), I put a block on all his e-mail addresses (and there were several I hadn’t even known about). I changed my phone number and limited distribution of the new number to people he didn’t know, but who were good friends of mine. I then received a number of written messages left on my property – these, too, were returned to his last known address, unopened. What did they say? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I packed up EVERY SINGLE ITEM I HAD EVER RECEIVED FROM HIM (many of which, I learned from the investigator, had actually been gifts to HIM, –and even stolen– from other women, which made me realize that so many things I had given him had mysteriously vanished over time – now I know why) and returned them to his last known address – did they reach him? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I “CLEANSED” my home of every vestige of his memory. I could not, and refuse to move – this is MY home, purchased with MY money, and I love it. But I’ve repainted it and done a number of other things to reclaim it – it’s MINE. But if you can move, do it. I have also engaged local law enforcement and explained my situation to them. If he comes on my property, I won’t deal with it – they will. Will he get arrested? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Finally, I enabled him in a subtle way to know how much I now know about him, and that if he makes any further effort to contact me or my loved ones, I will not hesitate to share that information with others in his world. This is something the Narcissist fears above everything else – being unmasked to those who are still drinking his Kool-Aid.

    So far, so good. Hope this helps guide others. And I am NOT looking back. I’ve read everything I can find about what Narcissists “look” like when I first meet them, and I’m already learning new skills about weeding out these soulless animals within 10 minutes. I may spend a long time going through chaff, but one of these days I’ll find that golden kernel… And if I don’t, that’s OK too. At least I’m not living under ground, eating the toad’s worm leftovers while he uses my home as an operating base and my money to woo and bed everything that looks like a trophy and has a pulse…

    • Poly fia

      Dawn,
      How much I agree with you! I ‘ve had one for 35 years… He provoked abandonment just before christmas, left to stay in his dead mother’s home in franceleaving me with debts, a half restructured home. He nevertheless sent me his new telephone number and has been sending me sms with “you are out, not interested in you”. Even though i have some good friends I tend to weaken, but I have been trying to control myself but as there are still many practical matters that still bind us-commitments for our home etc. I am inclined to give in as i consider all this such a shameful waste . I have to put our home to sale, pay the debts …we could have avoided it… I am just luring myself…

      • Lee

        File for divorce. Have papers served that state your conditions. Also mail them to the last known address. Don’t worry if he ignores them — if you are in the U.S., you wait a nominal time and then the judge will grant your divorce, though this does depend on what state you live in. File a legal notice in the newspaper declaring you no longer have any connection with him and are not responsible for any of his debts or actions. SELL THE HOUSE! Get rid of all his belongings still in your possession. Do not keep ANYTHING for sentimental reasons. You can donate them to charity, however I really enjoyed depositing them in a Dumpster. What I am saying is, erase him (which is what he did to you, over and over). This will take a while; the other day I tossed a hand towel that was his before we got married. I am feeling so much better now that I know there was nothing I could have done to save my marriage, which of course he said I had ruined. When you get used to seeing him as incurably diseased, you can get on with your life. I feel sorry for him in an abstract way — he can’t help that he’s a sick person — but to have contact would be like purposely exposing myself to Ebola. Oh, and, I would like to stick up for toads — to compare them with Ns is a crime against nature!

    • Dawn;

      Your strength is encouraging. After realizing how I was duped, I felt sick to my stomach. I keep saying how come I didn’t realize this character was no good. I worried I had a STD, so I have checked out and all is clear. My anxiety is up now. I am happy I read a lot of blogs, because when he ( the N) wanted contact again I eventually was able to go No Contact.
      This is my 3rd try NC, 4 days thus far.
      Tori

    • Teresa Barber

      OMG thank you so much for your post! I am in the
      throes of a subterranean soulless animal that I am trying for the umpteenth time to weed out of my life—your actions and advice is really helpful.
      I hope you have found the happiness and peace you deserve–Thank you!

    • Sally

      Dawn, when you say you “enabled him in a subtle way to know how much I now know about him”. How did you do that? That’s what I want to do. HOW?

    • JD

      Sounds like THEE plan!!!.I have been in a roller coaster of hell ,2nd time- 6 years total…she has now done her “systematic” starting a fight and leaving,has teamed up with a few co-worker ladies,who are her support,and sometimes I think “run” her…my dumb ass just stumbled onto articles of this and I have been in severe greiving for a month now,she refues to stay with me,even for a night,she says she doesnt want any drama at her work…which isnt hard to figure—someone there she’s having an affair with,I actually witnesssed her watching me leave the parking lot trying to get her time sensitive mail,and she told me they were gonna call the cops,so apparently she has told the whole place she works I’m dangerous….wow I say….she picked the fight,mowed me down into a door and blacked my eye,then said I abused her,went to her work right after and said she signed up for 7 days week 12 hour shifts…so uh duh on me,to this day I get texts from her with” oh my soulmate,i love and miss you,then one little word she twists from me,then says this isnt working….blames me for all things…IE: She came by last week “unannounced” to get her mail,not to see me,just to down me some more,and when i asked kindly “what about you” she left again(wasnt intenending on staying anyway” lied right in front of me,per a phone call from her co-worker….so I am pretty sure she’s having an affair with a co-worker….valentines day flowers sat on the counter and frickin died even after she knew I HAD them….says she’s been faithful to me…what!! a f*&**n laugh..seriously??? I have been such a dumarse for a bit,but the constant research to get insight,i was enlightened by the facts of her behaviour and why…she’s a narcisist…found out she tried letting her second husband die untill the son stopped,the poor dude had a stroke,she let him lay on the floor for hours,he deficated on himself and urinated,son had cops kick door in and there he was,then she came out like it had just happened and she was getting ready to call 911…the emts were perplexed of his flat spots from laying on a ceramic tiled cold ass floor,and stated it out loud,but no arrest was made,he tried reaching for her out the door and was trying to talk….i was shocked by hereing of thiss right from the son….then i was her next victim…right as i was approved for si and 4 year lease payoff she split….which she has done many times,and I guess I was a glutton for punishment…took her back,of course she said she had changed….WRONG!!! narcs dont change unless they seek a proffesional,and you will NOT convince them they need it,nor are they ever wrong,they will absolutely destroy you and move on with no concience PERIOD….THEN TRY TO KEEP PLAAYING YOU!!! Like mine is doing me now with her words ONLY( ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS…she’s not being faithful to me,shes being faithful to her “now” guy in her workplace…that is why she will not stay nor make any effort to come to what was our home and show me some love or intimacy,whuch has been missing since she started this new job where ratio 8-1 man to woman…so I do know she’s attention grabbing,but hell I always wanted her,complimented her,wanting to sex her,and NOTTUH….So she’d been getting it somewhere…She has avoided many questions and on and ona and on…I’ve poored my heart out and cried many tears,and still find myself wanting her…I have decided to emotionally detach,and try not to talk or text at all…only spoke 3 times in over 4 weeks,,….she still has her things here,and holding me up…from moving on,now that I know what she is,and what she’s doing right now,I have lost it for her…but they say their revenge once you cut them off is brutal because she cant feed on your tears no more…but why should she care she has another,and believe me when i say,there was no problems in the bedroom…except lack of since her new job….wow people!!!! This is serious stuff,its pure evil,cruel,arrogant,rude,unkind…and then “i love you,i miss you” wtf??..We get along fine till she pushes and pushes till I say one sentence then she leaves,has left 3-4 times prior to this…SOMEONE PLEASE TELL me it’s cheating ,obviously yet she has no answers for my question” when you coming to get your things”…So are we not engaged? on and on..I FEEL THE PAIN OF ALL VICTIMS OF THIS horrible,seemingly demonic behaviour….As I found out in our 6 years her mom and her have no relationship whatsoever,her dad she always said she needed to be with him,but shes just 30 minutes away ,but I was told I’d never find her and it would be non of my business what shes doing….SERIOUSLY?….FAITHFUL SHE SAYS…OMG!!! Insult my intelligence,and bashing me on a dime per texts…One article says to “stop” any and all communication,the other says to NOT do that…so I’m not sure what to do..like in a prison right now,thinking of how she and I used to meet after her divorce( I THOUGHT) she was NOT!!!! …kinduh guess my karma getting shoved up my 5454545….guys do not fall for these woman,as when they se they wont get what they want out of you,quote jealous things,rude,and dressing differently,lacking anything with you…beware and I pray alot about it to give me strength and to put on the armour of GOD…I have had crying spells for 4 weeks now,evenn this morning cause I KNOW she didnt work last night..even though when she texts she’ll say she is,but tee totally different times than before…I NO LONGER TRUST THIS MONSTER and theres a fine line between love and hate….Do your research if you have ANY doubts….cheating by the narc female and why they do it—atention,even if they’re getting it at home,so then see all about NARCISISM…IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL AT LEAST A LITTLE BETTER…worst thing is to think she’s showing and doing another of what you have been asking for for months now…GOD I AM STUPID,BUT I feel like einstein now lol…no its not funny,but even writing this is relieveing…LOVE YOURSELF FOR AWHILE,there are woman who LOVE,HAVE COMPASSION AND ARE “NORMAL” Compassionate,loving woman out there,and I suggest move on…I have to really be careful,as I know what she’s capable of…its sickens my heart and soul..but I’ll make it….I am an ex entertainer that has not had any trouble of having a woman,but I am also one that stays with “one” an “only have eyes for her”whoever she is that I’m in love with….One suggestion….do not pamper any woman…they see you as lower than them and act out if they are a narc…..JD

      • Aunt Alex

        Do not pamper any woman? Now, let’s not throw out the baby with the bathwater here, JD….

      • LisaR

        I feel your pain and it hurts. To hear a guy go through this is something. This narcissism is real. Didn’t know what it was and don’t ever want to go through this ever again in life.

    • Patricia

      That was a cool read, I love your writing style and happy you are free

  10. Catharine

    Hi Alex, ive been reading some exerpts from your book Toads and the Women who Kiss Them and its fantastic. I havent been able to download it as my mac doesnt have the latest kit and I dont have a kindle. Would I be able to download it some other way or perhaps get a paperback version? Im absolutely dying to read it having just come out of a “relationship” with a very nasty toad indeed xx

  11. Hey … Love this ….
    I really hadn’t realized what was happening to me …
    And I am shocked, stunned and unable to tal to anyone …
    This has helped ease the pain ..
    Thankyou so much ..
    Lots of Love

  12. Jami

    Why do we even want them back? Why do we want the hurt? Why do they call and say things to you when you have been apart and you have done what they asked?

    • Donna

      Because we are addicted. The constant abuse and then soothing creates an addictive situation in the victim. It is an addiction!! Once you feel this you it is no longer him that you want, it is the relief from the withdrawal!!

  13. greatful

    It is extremely hard at first to ignore them, but as time goes on it gets easier. I tried several times only to let him get me back and do it all over again. Well this time I’m really done. I did a good deed for his dead relatative then he cut me off. Go figure! You don’t have to step on me athousand times before I know it hurts.My advice, move on. Life is too short!

  14. Carmen

    I would love to see him crawl back…….just to kick him in the teeth again. No just kidding, I wouldn’t dare. He is too dangerous. But it’s nice thinking about it.
    NC for 8 weeks now!

  15. dadda

    Just don’t let him again in yor life when he comes back after disappearing… He comes back like a little lamb, and will use subtle methods to make you recall good moments together. Let him telephone and talk, and just observe , look at what he does ,like watching a moovie, and not your life. You will see the absurd, and the manipulation. Pay attention to his voice, in which there is no interest for you but for revenge and satisfaction. Don’t be in a hurry to push him away.. But keep tightky closed yoor door, be conscious that you will never open your life to him because it’s dangerous for your mental safety.It steels power from your heart, and emotional peace. And it will take a long time to recover He is not evil, but he has a serious deseas, and nobody can dela with. Only therapist. Love doesn’t cure him. And then think that if a narcissistic felt into your life is because you didn’t love yourself sufficiently, strong women would have locked the doors after three days

  16. kemoi

    A narcissist is a loser,he/she may be surrounded by wonderful people but he/she choses to play them what a shamed.
    Once you are informed they narcissist is gone. The best thing to get revenge is to stript him/ her from your love, your attention your care. and even he / she tries to get you back give him ZERO chance and show no interest in whatever he /she says or does, its all fake and lies.

  17. cam

    No contact people. If you can swing it do it. I am a shrink for kids… 11 degrees and certs…. mine- he was with me from 38 to 49… i am now 50… we are both conventionally good looking……the end started Dec 11th 2011 for me I am slowly out of the huge FOG… he was and is covert and sneaky.. it takes all of my will power not to drive to his apartment and icepick him to death… lay him out on his little patio … dry him like jerky and them eat him… he is 6′ 4″ 225 lb… but i am sure i could keep to that kind of low carb diet.. as he would have said jk…if one is being driven insane ie.. on meds like a bit of an anti-depressent or anti-anxiety/sleeping pill… one may not have a choice… one suffers and the N just is…that is how one knows who is giving this terrible gift and who is receiving… get free, I am, yes they make you feel special and the withdrawal is terrible( and I am no wilting flower)… but get free…face the unknown… loneliness… whatever…it will be better than the ultimate price.. you and your complete brain..and yes people…GOD has left my house… the all knowing all being God….only his name is not Jesus…no joke and I am a hard core scientist…to all of you youngsters out there.. if you are not in a legal commitment,,, do not have kids……runnnnnnnnnnnn.really…. run………..it is not good and it is not healthy

    • Stupid me

      Sounds horrible, I too have been in a emotional, addictive roller coaster ride with a narc with him continually breaking it off with me, then begging me to go back, constantly, this time I broke it off with him.
      He lies, forgets what he says, belittles me, then tells me I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever been with, huh?!

      I’m hurting tremendously right now, with the holidays coming and I won’t be with him, I truly believe its for the best and somehow pray I don’t succumb to him when and IF he does Conatact me again. I assume he’d found someone else who has sparked his Insterest, old bald fat and impotent.

    • LisaR

      LOL- I thought about putting dog sh*t on the handles of his car. MOFO!!

  18. Bonnie

    I agree with ignoring them. It’s given me more strength having the decision to leave. Hard? Yes, and necessary. I filed for divorce and will show in court how he lied on his affidavit and disclosure. He will be held accountable legally even if he would never admit his lies to me. My patience with not responding to every manouver he’s tried to seek revenge on me is further making it easier for me to get through e-mails, angry voice messages the proof I need. Hurting his ego by no longer responding in ways that’s worked for him in the past. Simply by ignoring him, making HIM feel insignificant.

  19. I tried to break it off with my toxic toad but he did not want to. He begged, cried, refused. It just got worse and worse. He was really good at the “poor me” game. The final dramatic curtain call involved him threatening to kill himself with a knife, threatening me with the knife, and damaging my home. He had committed a felony. His female “friend” who was at my house called the police. I have not spoken to him since then thanks to a court ordered no contact. Honestly, had this situation not occurred, I may still be suffering and would not have known that he was an N. I only learned the truth after he went to jail and his own mother finally informed me of his NPD. The No Contact will remain in place for at least 18 months. My eyes became wide open to do many things post incident. Hindsight is 20/20. I had been completely duped by this monster. It’s a miracle that it turned out the way it did. I was so deeply under his spell, I could have allowed my life to be completely ruined.

  20. Judy Lindsey

    I was blessed to find out about my toad … just a few months into our marriage . Non the less very painful and expensive . I wish the ou look for them wasn’t so blik . I’m very happy I am not the toad … but sad to say a very hard lesson that such evil people live among us .
    Thankful for my freedom – Judy

  21. Molly

    Another brilliant post! I’m in stitches right now. Funnily enough, I have actually fantasized and discussed a few of these ways to get revenge with my friends- in particular the spraying of ‘assclown’ on his precious car (can’t believe we used the same word!), egging his house and posting a list of everything he’s done to me on a website (or to his employers!)

    Just to note: I haven’t done any of these things. They are just spoken about with friends and dreamed about in my head.

    I am obeying the NC rule completely but my ex-N left me for the last time and never contacted me since. I suppose I’m lucky, but it still hurts!

    They say the best revenge is living well, so that’s what I’m trying to do. And yes, leaving him in his toxic juices sounds oh-so-lovely!

    Thanks for the post Aunt Alex!!

  22. Dear Alexandra,
    Thank you for your post. I work with women with histories of domestic violence, and have been victimized by some of the worst “narcissistic” offenders. I look forward to sharing with them your formula for healing the heartbreak that comes with loving someone who hurts the people who love them the most.

  23. A. Non

    Ladies, I feel your pain. I never felt as low or alone as those first six months after I cut her off. I followed the no-contact rule and eventually she stopped trying, but it was incredibly hard. I later met the married man she was seeing before me (I was divorcing when I met her). He left his wife for her, she left him for me, but he didn’t know what she was and she played him just like the literature says. I knew none of this at the time, and it was so strange to meet this guy and to discover we had shared the same experience right down to the the intimate and seemingly personalized things she had said to us. The only healthy thing you can do is ignore them and try to find the gift in the experience. For me that gift was coming to understand why I had allowed such a destructive being into my life. I don’t believe that everyone is vulnerable to a narcissists game. Consciously or by instinct, she targeted me because she sensed that I had a particular vulnerability that fit her particular needs. I think, for me at least, that an underdeveloped relationship with myself was part of the reason I was so intensely drawn to and obsessed with this woman. She filled a void in me that I think people with a less chaotic and confusing childhood than I had, fill for themselves. Understanding that concept was what I spent those months afterwards on, and what allowed me to eventually have a real and healthy relationship. I wish you good luck and healing, you deserve it.

    • Sammy

      Thx, A.Non. 25 years and I’m almost dead and a crazy person.

      Your words helped me so much. I, too, had an emptiness I didn’t think I could fill myself, but it was never filled with this one….I only became less and less and less and less and …………….
      intense draw, yea, but nothing EVER in it for me, nothing ever. I feel so very very sad. It is so gd difficult to even start to try to break it off. It seems so overwhelming. I pray that I am not too far gone. So unhappy, so unfullfilled, so sad.
      So tired of the lies and cheating on the porn.
      No sex 25 years. I tried everything. I am truly ill for still being here. I pray to God there is hope because I just want to be dead.

      • Aunt Alex

        Sammy, Get thee to a doctor or nurse practitioner STAT. You’re depressed, and it’s not your fault. Depression is a pretty understandable response to what he’s put you through. You WILL rebuild, and your life WILL get MUCH better — but give yourself a head start right now by seeing someone about that depression.

        Today. This morning. Please.

        ::hugs::

      • Cindy

        I am in that sane situation where he has turned on me fir something HE did! It’s been awhile since your post, how dud you get through it because right now I feel like just dying.

      • LisaR

        Don’t say that–there is a light at the end. Remember what the previous person wrote; that we are just addicted and it’s unfortunate they we are sick know because of those sociopaths. It’s hard and don’t I know.

  24. Bonnie

    Reading about the pain is the key to turning the love you give someone who doesn’t appreciate what they had (have) and giving it back to yourself.

    Being away from a narc. I see so much more clearly. THEY ARE SELF DESTRUCTIVE! They will pull down the closest people to them. If not you, then the next person. They are too cowardly to deal with life alone. Misery needs company. Good people deserve happiness. Leaving is the only alternative.

    I had some nasty e-mails sent to me yesterday. However now I read them and feel sorry for him. How angry he is inside. How much hatred he has for life. ANYONE how really hates themselves will make another feel horrible about themselves. LEAVE THEM. It’s not worth your life.

  25. Layla

    So my 11 year long distance relationship with my narcissist was ended by him at the end of September. I never heard from him again. Before I started researching and learned about narcissism I stupidly sent him a couple emails and a snail mail. Last email said goodbye. Of course no reply.

    The last phone call he told me he had started dating a woman where he lives. Of course he hadn’t told me he stopped dating me. Well after the initial shock/agony, the revenge bug set in. He’s 1500 miles from me. The woman he left me for happens to have a professional webpage for her business with her email. And I emailed her his still active (active the whole 11 years we were together I discovered) Adult Friend Finder profile with his dirty little secrets in it. With a short note just telling her that I wasted 11 years, told her to look up narcissism, and said she had the opportunity to get out while she could.

    I don’t know if they are still together but I checked tonight and his 11 year active profile is no longer active….so I’m guessing there was a little discussion there about it. And I would have liked to be a fly on the wall when she “hit” him with it. And if they are still together, she’s going to always be watching now, I know I would.

    Now, would I have done this if he didn’t live 1500 miles away? I doubt it. He has guns and a bad temper. But do I feel some satisfaction tonight? You betcha. He first said he thought he was better off alone and I’d love it if I made that happen for him.

  26. IWILLSURVUIVE

    My N bf just broke it off 3 days ago because I caught him cheating. I am done Im glad I learned about this illness. He went as far as to compare me to my sister saying I need to play my part n our relationship how my sister plays her part in here,lol. He called me dumb, said I was the dumbest person he ever met and that he would never marry me. We were together 5 yrs and he just really broke my spirit. I am going thru recovery now.I know he will contact me in the next week, but I will never contact or reply to him again! I will pray for him though….

  27. poisoned_soul

    I don’t know how to get the weight off my chest

    two successive relationships, the first one lasted 8 years. 8 years of abuse, physical and psychological abuse. I nearly lost my life twice, he almost threw me off the window…another time he grabbed me from the neck and tried to strangle me…I saw death with my own eyes, I was 22.

    Now i’m a 31 years old woman…very attractive woman, if I believe my second N.

    After a painful divorce, with horros of all shapes and forms…I met what seemed to be my redemption, my saviour. Then out of nowhere!! The circle started closing up again, this time psychological mind-games and torture beyond repair. My heart aches, my pain is unbearable. I am so tormented and low. Here he is, dating other girls pretending to be a prince charming. But only I know his ugly face.

    I hold myself, and try not to think about the hereafter…I think I need help. Why do these silly tears never dry up?

    • deb

      hi hun.for starters be thankful that you realised his ugly face,and please believe they dont change for anyone and i mean anyone.ive been where you been and have the odd day when i m low even miss him,katy perrys hot and cold do the lyrics ring a bell,cos this is what they are like.Please believe you are worthy of more and the other girls they are dating feel sorry for them.if he comes back it s cos the other girls wont put up with it and you dont either cos you are actually giving him the go ahead to treat you bad,dont listen to his crap,stop making excuses,look in the mirror and tell yourself everyday you are worthy of happiness cos 1 day u will be.the only person they love is themselves,and think about this if your friend,sister e.t.c was going through the same what would you tell them?probably run and dont look back.its took me a good 2 year and i l never let him fool me again.they are dispiccable,i never thought i d get took in but i did and i m mad at myself.G ive yourself time to heal,be gentle with yourself and keep your guard up in future,look forward not back,be thankful you met him cos you l recognise idiots like this in the future and can walk sooner.good luck.xx

  28. Abby Longsmith

    A narcissist wants constant affirmation; and, therefore is usually a cheat. He just cares about the new attention he is getting; and not about the faithful person he is hurting. He is too caught up in the excitement of the admiration he is getting from the new person. A narcissist is superficial, he looks only at outward appearances. When he doesn’t like your appearance anymore, he disappers. He has absolutely no empathy for you.

  29. Stupid me

    Four year relationship with a narc. Who kept his ex wife and ex girlfriend in his back pocket, he must of broke up with me dozens of times over the four year roller coaster ride, and he always came crying back, always,

    He’s unattractive bald , fat, has sexual disruptions and yet I fell for the idiot. This last time I broke it off, and I’m paying for it, I miss the asshole terribly and spending Christmas alone is horrible… I ache. I have gone no contact and have no plan to call. Or contact. Do I want to? Yes, I need advice…..I sympathize now with drug addicts, I feel as if I’m addicted to heroine. I hope I’m strong enough to not take the call when it comes..

  30. Stupid me

    It is also so true, narcisstic men hate it when people do not like them.. Last time we split. I told everyone what he did, and he was mortified. Within three days cme crawling back in tears with hopes and promises of the future, had a wonderful weekend and then boom three weeks later he needs space, and is depressed and pulling away, and bam, oh btw I’m going to Florida. Yea right, they’re are no boundaries in this relationship. He is the most self absorbed man I’ve ever known, did not want to be around my children…even though he had low testostorne and very low sex drive, when we did have sex it was passionate and the best I’ve ever had…

    With all that said. Im struggling today,

  31. Karen

    I broke up with a narcissist one month ago. Found out he has been cheating with an ex for 3 years now. I feel so stupid that I didn’t know. He has since seen a psychologist and says he can be cured. I said I’m not coming back and he is begging, pleading for forgiveness. He says if I really love him, I will do this for him and work on his bad qualities to make him a better man. Says he will be an honest faithful man for the rest of his life. He just won’t give up but learning about the No Contact rule is helping. I am ignoring his texts and emails but it’s very difficult when he blames me for things because I want to deffend myself. I guess it doesn’t matter what I say anymore. I don’t believe he can ever change. The psychologist wants to see me too but I have refused. He says he doesn’t want to be with the Ex and just keeps telling me how I am the love of his life. It’s true that he will never change, isn’t it? I’m a strong woman and can walk away with this even though I have nothing now but how do you really make them leave you alone even if you don’t answer. He just won’t stop.

  32. CJ

    My ex and I broke up when I was 6 months pregnant. He had another gf by the time I was 8 months. They are still together but he has come to me twice now saying he was ‘confused’. I can’t NC him bc of our child. I don’t know what to do. Furthermore, I still idiotically want to fix things and be a family. I don’t know if he is done or not and deep down, I know he cheats and I would always wonder if we got back together. So any advice on how to move on and how to limit contact with him would be greatly appreciated.

  33. Cali

    Your article was a huge help to me in the midst of dealing with someone I knew for years who I then tried to date and turned out to be a narcissist, no doubt about it. And maybe a sociopath too.

    He totally slimed me last weekend with something designed to let himself off the hook while pretending to be sensitive to my feelings. I caught the tacky and mind-tripping timeliness of it and responded pretty bluntly and succinctly and let him know the whole thing between he and I was stupid and pointless.

    Then came several messages – two of anger and defense of himself. When those were not answered, two more came – one apologizing for getting angry but still defending the defenseless and then another wishing me well and telling me he thinks I’m “rad” and that he will always be my friend.

    I almost sent him this ridiculous reply but did not, as it was too much attention – more than he deserved and gave him too much to gaslight me with.
    Instead I opted for, “Leave me alone” which then prompted one more nasty text that started with “Jesus Christ on a crutch!” I deleted it without reading the rest, for I remembered your article and I truly feel intuitively he was left to “stew in his own toxic juices.”

    The old bait and switch technique was not working and I went to bad chuckling to myself about how his head probably spun at how fast I “devalued and discarded him” – just as they tend to do but with an eye on stepping back in possibly somewhere down the line…and they know damn well I’m not them!

    Thank you!

  34. cassandra

    when you tell everyone what he did, “everyone ” will not believe you,
    even when you can prove it .
    they are not your friends, they are neither HIS friends, but they do not want to know that.
    the name for that is complicity.
    therefore you will be very very lonely, but you will no longer make that very very bad trip.

  35. deb

    i met my x 8 year ago,wonderful,charming then a few month down the line the games started,blanking for days,then back as if nothing had happened,getting dumped at least 1nce a month,but i blamed his ex wife, he told me i d be forgot about in the blink of an eye,theres times he coulda took me out but made excuse,then he d do something great to make up for it,then be off again,it was like a drug,and i tried to make he see sense and beg him to work it out,and he would for a week or so then be off again.every time he needed me i d be there at the drop of a hat,when my nan died he wasnt there,when my friend died he didnt wanna know,he bought a house and told all my friends it was for mine and his future,in reality he never even invited me there,and my friends didnt tell me till we split.he fell out with me xmas birthday,What is really annoying about them is they are totally able to take your friends in cos they are totally charming around them,makes you feel like you are going mad,they totally cause all the rows do 1 and leave you wondering what you ve done when actually you didnt do anything,i was soul destroyed,suicidal,convinced myself we had unconditional love cos we always got back together,the list is endless,anyways he dumps me after 6 year decides he doesnt want any1,then goes with his daughters 28yr old mate,then several other women,but muggings stayed friends with him,the final straw came when our mutual friends came up,he suggested i go see his mam and dad with him,i cried with happiness,then when our friends went back he told me he didnt have time to make plans with me,felt wrecked again as he d said diffrent in front of my friends,then i had a hysterectomy and ive never heard from him 1nce,so ive changed my number and finally told our mutual friends what he s put me thru,they might not believe me,he s a great actor but i dont care.ive changed my number,cut all ties and ran like my hair was on fire,that is my finish,i miss him a little but guess what i miss me b4 i met him more and i m more important,good luck guys,x

  36. I was married to a narcissist for 29 years. He sucked me dry of my income. I left him, no alimony and no job. My two daughters and I worked tutoring kids around the clock and two years after I left him I was back on my feet. My own house, one daughter in college and one in high school. My N has been pursuing me wanting to get back but never accepted what he did (beat me when I disagreed with him). I hated him until I learned that he found a nice girl and is in a healthy relationship. I began to think he may have improved and is on his way to another life leaving me and the kids alone. So I called him and told him I was happy for him and it is a shame that I still love him. He turned around dropped this girl and is single again. Ha Ha. I proposed that we be friends. I have my independence and use his better qualities such as taking us out to dinner or buy me groceries and ofcourse he is around when I am sick. I am painfully aware of who he is and am careful not to get emotionally involved and have to remind him of his boundaries. At times he thinks he is my boyfriend and comes around without calling. He is still rude and selfish and gets angry when he feels his convenience is threatened. Calls the next day and apologizes. Still has not told people he is divorced. He is a dark person with a soul and I am a friend. Can anyone advise me if this is a wrong strategy. Given I am 56 and he is the only one I can call when I am sick. He is useless otherwise.

    • Carrie

      First of all, and most importantly, let me say that I have been in a relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend for almost 8 years and have finally had enough and will never speak to him again. This after years of caving in to his pleadings for reconciliation. So I understand the situation you are in and the feelings you have.

      Secondly, this is a place where we can all find support and encouragement. But with that there must also be a level of honesty.

      I believe you have hurt the wrong person. Let me explain. I had been friends with my N’s wife for a few years before I got involved with him. She had periodically told me about her troubles with him, eventually trusting me enough to give me the horrid details. She used the term “textbook narcissist” but at that time I did not know what a narcissist was. After they divorced (over many rumors of infidelity) he focused his attention on me. The ex-wife tried to kindly warn me but soon realized I was under his spell. She patiently waited for me to figure it out myself and is now a great support to me. We joke that in ten years, there will be enough of us to form our own support group and have weekly meetings!

      The “nice girl” was, no doubt, pulled into the toxic relationship the same way you were. Really, is she to blame? The thing to consider is the fact that she will likely try to get back with him. He will likely take her back. And during all of this, he will be playing you. You believe you have your emotions under control, but you are giving him exactly what he wants…contact. And he will undoubtedly use every moment with you to HIS advantage. You are playing right into his hands.

      When you are sick, call on your children or someone else. Cut him out of your life completely. In my very humble opinion, I believe you will get deeply hurt again.

      Take care.

  37. BPD Spell

    I was with my NPD/BPD for 10 months…what a bastard. That was two years ago and I’m still recovering from PSTD because he physically assaulted me. I can honestly say I cut him out of my life like the cancer to my soul that he was and never looked back. He called blocked, left threatening voicemails…I had him arrested…got a restraining order…I never looked back. But on some late nights I sometimes wondered if ignoring him really tortured him…like really left him on his death bed…if a narcissist deserves anything…it’s suffering…they are horrible shit faced people who are the walking dead…never knew of personality disorders….but now I’m a more stronger person….my narc tried to drag me to his personal hell….I thank God daily that I was able to put him in a casket for good. I’m the one who got away…he might not care two squirts of duck shit about me but he’ll always respect my power to never look back…

    I was in so much pain after I broke up with him. Pain like I’ve never known. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up kind of pain. It was like cutting off my hand to save my arm. But I’m really starting to get that being ignored=death for them even though I sometimes still desire to spray paint “fuckfaceloser” across his car…hahahahaha….

    These people need to be shipped to an island and drowned.

  38. M

    I am really thankful he wasn’t phyically abusive. Just never there and full of excuses of why he couldn’t really be a true partner to me. He seemed to be usually close with his ex wife, but I guess he was stringing her along too.
    As my final act I emailed all those I was kept hidden from, his family & his ex in-laws some of his begging emails to reconcile. I am glad in the end I stood up and foiled his plan (which is strangely empty anyway). It is a good step to begin, however NC is the only way forward and I hope I get there.

  39. minnime

    Since 2011 I have been in and out of relationship with same N. I have been through therapy after first awful discard in 2011. Since then I blog on certain websites re: NPD. I know its a no win situation with N. He will never change. But that small part of me hoping he will ruins any self control I have when it comes to ignoring him. With all I knew of his NPD and I was lucky enough (not so lucky I thought at the time) to have proof of the many lies he told me. I suffered from PTSD. Again, despite all I learned of NPD, I still needed to “fix” him. My self esteem went in the crapper (sorry), and i HAD to be “the one” for him. I had to be the one he loved more then all the rest, and I worked tirelessly to reconnect with him. I had 5 goes with him. By the 3rd round with him, I started to test him more and more…as if I needed to have more proof he was an N. I played with fire. I wanted to get close enough to him that I could one day talk with him about the trauma he put me through 2 years ago. And to try and get him to realize the great person I am and what he has given up when he gave me up. Not to sound like a I have a big ego, but I dated down with him. This last time, just the other day, I was tired of being put off, with the “I will let you know” response of when I could see him. I told him how he was pushing me away, etc…things that bruised his ego I am sure. I told him I was done with him. Then next day I contacted him again and tried to explain my frustratrions and that I wasnt walking away (because I felt I almost had him “fixed”), but I was giving him space. He replied at 11th hour “well, I am done” . This time I did not respond. I normally would have, with the apologies of how I was wrong, and I cant keep my mouth shut, and please give me another chance…I am very proud of myself for not answering his text. I just am ignoring him. Its only been a few days. Today is a tough day for me. I want to reach out to him, the him that I thought he was, the fake him that I fell for. But what is helping me is that my ignoring him may be causing him some pain, even for brief moment. Thats the only thing at this point that is front and center in my mind…that I just ignoring him because he is not worth my time. I have never ever ignored him before. I know how he acts and reacts, I am an expert at his NPD and what he will say and do. But this time I totally changed my behavior (because I feel stronger). And I wondering how he is reacting? What is he feeling? Will he try to contact me again? I would love the opportunity to be able to see a text from him and just simply ignore it, as I know that would kill him inside. I know I dont sound indifferent, which I need to be to help heal fully, but I am close to being as indifferent as I have ever been towards him. But part of me still wants that revenge of putting him off if he texts me again. Anyone have any thoughts or experience with same would be appreciated. thank you.

  40. Karen

    Today I finally walk away. I have been with a lying cheating narcissist for 8 years. But I never had the proof to really let go. The problem with my N is he was not abusive except the lies and cheating. He treated me like a queen most of the time. I think it’s because he always feared I would leave. It was always a challenge for him to keep me. 6 months ago I moved out because I found out he had been seeing his Ex for 3 years but I didn’t have proof. I was supposed to see him today and he was going to prove to me somehow that she was gone forever. He was supposed to be on a plane returning from a business trip but I didn’t believe him. I woke up yesterday with a weird feeling and blocked my number and called her cell. She just sat the phone on the counter and I could hear him sitting chatting in her kitchen. He called her Babe and Sweetie just like he calls me. I do love him so my heart was breaking but I listened for 45 minutes while they laughed and talked like a normal day. I know he lies to her too. Then he left and I know it was to go and call me. I waited and yelled “hello” until she picked up he phone. She sounded surprised that someone was on the line and I said “thank you”, “now I know the truth”. “He’s been trying to get me back for months and now I can walk away, you can have him”. She hung up. At first I trembled and cried and felt empty but then I realized I never have to wonder again. I’m free. I had the ultimate proof. It hurts but it’s a huge blessing. I text him and told him and he said sorry but you will never believe me when I say I went there to help with her car. LOL. He even said I have too much baggage for you so let’s say goodbye but don’t slander me. Hahahaa. All he cared about was himself. An hour later text cause he didn’t have the balls to call ” want me to come over and talk about this”? Really? NO! I thank God I am free now. I will never go back. It’s time to live and the only reason I feel this way is from reading your posts and comments. You have all taught me who I am with and I deserve better. Thank you. It’s a blessing I know the truth. I just had to hear it for myself. I wanted to believe him but I knew in my heart it was all lies. All 8 years. Sad but could be worse. I’m out!

    • Stupid me

      You know my first post was back in dec. I was discarded around the holidays.worst time of my life, one week after the holidays were over he was back. Begging again. With gifts and a diamond ring In hand, we have been back together since then, had been glorious until the other day, when shit hit e fan. I’m unsure why but I have major trust issues with this man, although he’s never cheated, isn’t a player, etc. so haven’t figured that one out, but my insecurites always made us fight, this time, he broke it off AGAIN, saying he can’t give me what I want or need m ultimately we need to split. Once again, same line different day, if I had a buck for every time he said this I’d be rich!!! Not sure how long he will last withiut contacting me this time, but the pain I feel is horrible and I’m feeling like I’ve finally hit the wall. It’s ironic your posts showed up in my email today just when I needed to see it the most. I. Depressed lonely and hate where my life is at 45 years old, he is ten years older than me, and I was fighting for this man to love me. I’m attractive, strong, independent woman with four kids, all of which he never in five years took the time to know, never interacted with my kids at all. I believe I’m ready to walk from him once and for all. I can’t allow this into my life anymore.

      • another victim

        YOU ARE NOT stupid me :) so he’s not a cheater/player ok however, you still are his supply, quote: if I had a buck for every time he said this I’d be rich!!! you do not have insecurities…. girl, it’s called GUT INSTINCT.
        He has never interacted, bothered to take the time to get to know your kids in FIVE YEARS????…… HELLO, you are only 45 it’s a number girlfriend, you are depressed, lonely & hate where your life is at …. advise? sell the diamond ring & book a holiday “FOR YOURSELF” that is what a attractive, strong, independent woman with four kids deserves. guess what: I believe I’m ready to walk from him once and for all. I can’t allow this into my life anymore. YUP, THAT’s RIGHT, i believe YOU. Take care

    • LisaR

      Wow!! This is good reading. I did something similar, but the women went back and told him. He didn’t want to talk to me again, then that evening he thought about it and we went out that sunday. He had sex with me that evening then on his lunch break. I sensed something because he came to my home later then normal on his break. He got angry, but we still slept together and then no calls nor text until I got really upset and called him. He thought I was accusing him and called me crazy. Broke up again, by this time I’m furious then I go a club on Saturday night , to my surprise saw him with this women. I was shocked and hurt. He told me that I needed help and he can’t talk to me until i do. I was devastated. Know he’s sending stupid text with no meaning and i’m not really responding, only with “good” etc. I’m not calling him ..ever! and I will remain strong as long as I can. It’s hard , I mean it’s really hard and painful. How can someone have so much power over you. Scary sh*t!

  41. Mona

    I was with mine 11 years and we have 2 beautiful young kids. Today is our five year wedding anniversary. It was all great at the start- then the cheating started. I went through 2 affairs and all the lies and pain that goes with it. I rided out the storm and we got married and he told me I was the only girl he’d ever marry. We moved to a beautiful house in the country and he made me quit my job so we could spend weekends together. Then came the change- he became moody- would only do activities that gave him pleasure. No housework ever- no playing with the kids. He became best friends with a girl at work and devoted all his time and attention to her. I told him to pull back and that it would cause trouble but he said I had to ‘earn his friendship’ back. Everything is my fault always- I made him cheat, I made him unhappy. He went abroad for 3 months for space- came home and was in the house with me ‘dating’ me but I knew he was running around after this girl and confronted him. They are now ‘crazy in love’ apparently and he makes a point of saying how happy he is just to hurt. Said hie entire life with me was an act and a lie and he never loved me- just wanted to ‘do the right thing’ by the kids. I cut off contact because he became increasing more violent and police were involved. He came to see the kids and couldn’t deal with me ignoring him. He knows I am emotionally spend so he crys… tells me he loves me… seduces me…. and then walked out the door straight back to his girlfriend. Now it’s back to the cold indifference. It is like he is 2 separate people- the man I fell in love with and then this horrible, evil, cold, manipulative toad. Unfortunately because of my children I have to deal with him. I have cried every day for a year now- I loved him completely. He broke every single promise and empathy is something he does not have. He was my best friend. At least now I guess I am out of the crazy. He’s already cheated on the latest with me- or was it the other way around? I get confused lol. She’s already paying for his mounting debts. I need to break my addiction to him. It has destroyed me and left me in such a mess. I long for the day I feel anything other than grief. I’d love to hate him but it doesn’t come. And the self doubt he gave me has completely ruined who I am. I foolishly try to explain this to him but he twists and manipulates everything to make me feel worse. I realised that he doesn’t make me happy- nothing does at the moment but certainly not him. So happy anniversary to me- I have only today blocked all his ways to contact me.

  42. Lucy

    I want to tell you that I actually did the public toilet thing. And it was the best thing I ever did! It was a small town, and he worked for the local government authority, so I knew he would hear about it. It was such fun, planning what I would write, practising the handwriting, sneaking into the public toilet after dark! And it was such a release – like making an anonymous public statement saying, ‘this is how far down you dragged me’.
    And I never looked back after that, it was all upwards from there. All the rage and fear and frustration receded, I felt free to set my own boundaries and do my own thing. For the first time in years, I was smiling (to myself) when I was around him. And within two months, I walked away and never looked back. (Well, perhaps looked back a little bit, I still had some healing to do.)
    Now, 20 years later, if I think of him at all, only three images come to mind, one brief moment of real compassion I felt for the wounded little boy within him, another occasion when he threw a genuine toddler tantrum, throwing himself onto his back in the dust, bawling, red-faced, his arms and legs flailing (really weird, but very funny) – and, finally, the night I crept into a public toilet and left all my pain and disappointment behind on a dunny wall!

  43. Laura

    One important thing I just realized that keeps me from N-dipping is this: a relationship does not cease to be abusive just because you are out of it. If you go No Contact you will be punished for your temerity/audacity to individuate. If you ‘N-dip,’ or reengage, you are basically administering the toad toxin for him. He means to mangle your mind, to guilt you, to shame you, &c.

  44. Carolene J

    I feel ashamed of myself because I started the relationship with my N I had known him for most of my life grew up with him and knew he was arrogant and bostful but I did not know that meant he was a N we had a sexual relationship when I was 26 and before I went into the military I left because he refuse to bring our relationship out into the open nor would he marry me. after 30 years I decided to see if he still had any feelings for me so I initiated a relationship with him he was very happy to resume were we left off but then I started to notice the N behavior coming out and I was baffled so I look up what a narcissist was and was horrified to learn that this man was basically a monster or demon. So after a year and a half of this abuse I stopped seeing him but he text me on the 19 of June and ask me if I wanted to be with him sexually I told him that I wanted to see him but not have sex. he just stopped texting me period I told him we could be friends he agreed and later text that he never wanted to see me again friend I told him that I would just erase his number and that this change of mind of his did not hurt me that our friendship was his lost. But even though I know that he is a monster I still desire to see him I am not sure I want sex but I do miss him so now that I know he is still using me for his Narc supply I have deleted his number and when he contacts me again I will not respond.

    • another victim

      Hi Carolene :) don’t beat yourself up desire to see him/missing him, that’s ok
      but you have a choice: meet with him & get hurt…… or HAVE AN ICE CREAM INSTEAD … or coffe n cake at a really nice place & INDULGE IN YOURSELF :) the choice is yours, i know what i would do. take care

  45. Mary K

    Hi, ladies, thanks for sharing. I’m thee days out. The first day was the worst, I was crawling up the walls, I felt that if I didn’t contact him I would die. Took two prescription sleeping pills, one usually knocks me out completely, still up all night. Day two was a little better but not much. Last night I took my meds and actually slept through the night.

    I’ve disabled my Twitter and Facebook accounts. I saw he was posting to other women so I shut it all down. He was saying the same kind of things to them as he did to me.

    So nothing he said was ever special, or just for me, it was all donkey shit. Thanks for letting me vent.

  46. tia

    OMG, I am so glad I found this website. I have been dating a n man for four months. We fight, we make up. I dump him, he begs me back. But he just dumped me, and changed his number. But asked me what did I want from him after I wrote him on a website. Please someone answer, did your n ever change his number, and still came back?

    • Aunt Alex

      Tia, he’ll be back when he wants something from you. Not a moment before. He’s given you a gift — a window of time to start mending your broken heart and planning your permanent getaway from his BS. Time to change YOUR number.

  47. Jeff

    Gay man speaking here. Into the second year of our relationship, my N dumped me for another guy. This lasted a couple of months, then he was back crying to me to take him back which I did. Then six months later he dumped me again for a month to fall in love with a guy who was already in a twenty year relationship. That ended badly he came back to me and I took him in. Then he moved to another city for work, and we spent the year texting and chatting, as he was always lonely and needed my support. This went on for a year and then I received a call from his second ex who wanted to speak to me. I found out that when my N moved to the other city he had not broken up with this guy but that the relationship went on for a full year. We compared whatsapps and texts and were dumbfounded to see how he could manipulate both of us so well. Now the N has been transferred back to my city for work, and is working precisely two minutes walk from my office. Before he arrived I told him flat out that I knew all about his one year relationship and he burst into tears, saying that I was a good person but that this this other guy was evil etc etc. We have not spoken since. That was two weeks ago.
    I know he is here, just a step away and something in me says congratulate him on his new job and move on, but I dont want to give him the satisfaction of feeling he has been forgiven by me. As a true N, I am pretty sure he has forgotten all about me but that doesnt make this no contact any easier. Plus the thought that he was just manipulating me for his advantage and felt nothing for me is so painful I cant even fathom it. Anyone out there willing to give me the support I need to hang in there and keep ignoring his existence? We all know how obvious the right answer is—bury him and forget–and how hard it is to follow this advice. Help….?

    • another victim

      hi jeff :) reading your e-mail & nodding, yup ticking all the boxes… may i be bold please… sorry your “support” means “supply” for a N, ahhh Manipulation, another point a true N excels :) so he burst into tears (another category ticked) he says: you are a good person :) to right Jeff YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, in fact 2 good to be involved with a N :) :) :) possible reason you haven’t been contacted in 2 weeks, he may well be found another “supply” don’t fred BE HAPPY, and PLEASE NCR=No Contact Rule :) :) your head knows it, not your heart YET, listen to your head as you are writing… re-read your own paragraph from: As a true N
      talk 2 yourself … you are your best friend, listen as you read out loud :)
      take care

  48. Karen

    Hi Jeff. I know how you are feeling. Mine has been begging for 8 months and I went back once for one week 5 months ago. Nothing changed. He was being nice but still had his ex on the side and probably more. You should dig deep inside and take back control. It’s difficult but I am feeling better since I decided to treat myself as well as I treated him. It’s hard not to dwell on everything too. So many emotions but its all normal. It’s just a process. Be patient with yourself but stay strong for you. We deserve so much better. I’m just trying to protect myself because no one else will. We have to use our minds and don’t listen to your heart right now. Think of each day as accomplishing your greatest goal. Taking care of you. You will be proud of yourself. I guarantee you, he will hurt you again. Sometimes saying that one last goodbye ends up being another “hello”, then we have to start all over. I hope this helps. You are not alone.

  49. Ain't got time

    Both my mother and father were Ns, so I came by it via nurture. Had several emotionally unavailable boyfriends growing up and married an N. after 17 married years, we divorced due to his infidelity…or at least his 3rd was the straw. Before I healed the 2nd N swooped me off my feet with glorious words, promises, and romance. The devaluing came about a month later and shocked me, but I dismissed it because he too had been hurt in his divorce – or so the excuse I gave him. But after the poor treatment increased, the cheating became apparent, I have finally had enough. However, by this time, this strong, confident, independent lady that I am had given up almost everything and was without her normal resources…and options. But God provided a tremendous support system and I have survived. It has been the most painful experience I have ever endured and my divorce was pretty bad too but this exceeded any hurt I’ve ever know. However, I’ve learned that keeping the N in my life blocks the blessings I am meant to receive. Whenever I remove the N, the universe opens up and provides connections and blessings I would not receive otherwise. Therefore, the trade and “loss” of the psychotic, chaotic abusive relationship with the N is worth the wonderful life that awaits me.

  50. another victim

    Dear all :) fellow victims :)
    6 weeks ago I broke up my 4 yr relationship (living 2gether 3yrs) with a N , enough said :) in the meantime i DID NOT follow the NCR , HUGE mistake :) we met 4 lunch, coffee, walks & talked in circles, sounds familiar ? FYI: NO SEX happened. Anyway 2 days ago he comes over spills me the i love you, i will change, time & my actions will prove it :) OoKkkk, says me hesitantly :) called up his parents today (he was there for an early B’day) but he had left already…..don’t know what got into me, but i asked: so you meet the new girlfriend yet :) answer: mhh yes…. WoHOO, didn’t see that 1 coming, i informed the parents what he’d said 2 days ago…let’s just say mildly they are gobsmacked, just like me :) asking ME why is he doing this/what is he thinking :) i told me they should ask him that question, not me :) got of the phone & txt the EX-N: “BUSTED, just spoke with your parents :) needless to say i have had no reply , GOD I FEEL GOOD :) i nearly gave in, what a great relief, let the healing begin :) to all of u out there, WE CAN & WILL DO BETTER :) congrats that we made it out :) and we WILL get happier & a better loving life awaits us all :) take care everyone & keep smiling, it’s the best way to show your enemy your teeth :)

  51. befree

    wow, such great info, and thanks everyone, for sharing. I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years, but believe me it has been just the same as any other relationship except physically apart at times. when we are apart we email/call/messenger/cam all the time, mostly telephone. well wasn’t he the most perfect man for me in the beginning? like ridiculous school kids, ewing and awing gushing love spew from the eternal love fountain lol. so much in common, sharing secrets, the sound of his voice, the butterflies in his presence, I FINALLY met “the one”……(idealization) somewhere along the way, sudden or gradual, things changed (devalue). I have been fighting an uphill battle/beating head against wall ceremony, for what seems like YEARS. things would be good for awhile (manipulation) then id find myself shaking my head wondering wth just happened? I allowed myself to BE manipulated by him. desperation? low self confidence? boredom? all these things im still working on. after some time, and up until now, things are mostly bad, mainly because im onto him, and don’t even TRY to figure it out anymore, I can see the shit coming a mile away and repeatedly call him on it (a long drawn out “discard”) I no longer feel guilt for my words to him, my anger towards him, because I know that I SHOULD be mad. my loved ones cant imagine how im even able to function and stay with him at all anymore. the well is running quite dry, even my anger has been dissipating lately. his picture is beside SELFISH in the dictionary, ive never met a more selfish man in my life. gone are the days of excusing his behaviour and actions and protecting him from himself and others. I cant begin to tell you what it feels like to experience tragedy, knowing your partner is ignoring you on top of it (one of his favourite games) there is no such thing as empathy from a narcissist, he could be enjoying his coffee while he watches you (or kicks you) off a cliff. everything he tells you about past relationships, are things HES done, not how women have hurt HIM, as he claims…..the LIES are neverending, he’ll nevder admit to anything even WHEN his hand is in the cookie jar. he NEVER takes responsibility for ANYTHING, and his apologies always feel empty, because they are.my fault has been allowing it all to continue, wanting so bad to believe it was real, that we could somehow get the love back… and my gut REPEATEDLY told me things weren’t adding up, but I didn’t want to believe it. im thinking of my recent decision (to leave him) as just another hurdle to pass over. I left him before for 3 months, this time will be longer….hopefully permanent. everything we learn to do takes practice, and I wont stop trying. I urge everyone posting here to not give up on themselves xo

  52. rene

    Thnk you….im not alone,coming to know about narcissists,i have gained more strength to move on and hated that he got the chance to treat me this way…i even wondered why he blocked me yet contacts me,thank God i broke up with him b4
    saying “i do” im also on a mission…

  53. WiserStronger

    BeFree, your LDR started out like mine. My narcissist was great at setting the stage, all gushy and describing me as a “perfect partner.” Dating in my area had not been going well at all. His background was interesting, he was very well spoken and we had a ton in common on the surface. Our first times together were promising. He pulled out all the stops. But the devaluation and discard happened quite quickly thereafter, showing how deluded he was in the idealization phase at the beginning. Once I became a real person with opinions that differed from his…well, you can imagine what happened. Lots of little criticisms and distancing. He disappeared after a visit, only to reemerge with BS excuses (“resupplying”)… I gave him another chance but the bloom was off the rose, as I started to realize his deal. Later discovered he’d been trolling for new narcissistic supply online as he was dating me.
    Read the book Narcissistic Lovers, it will save you so much grief and is just a wonderful source of information.

  54. Ishtar

    Thank you girls for sharing this. My story is a little different. Mine was suffering a severe narcissism disorder. I have been through and still suffering a depression lost a lot of weight. I went truly mentally ill over a year for being gas lighted, deceived, physically violated, devaluated, called by horrible names, destroyed in every single way, forced to lose a baby, abandoned and withdrawn by our common friends and finally by the narcissist when he couldn’t obtain his supply no more. He would mumble some horrible stuff around me out of no while being sweet at the same time and then he would call me delusional when confront him. He called me crazy, psycho and convinced me to see a doctor cause he thinks there was something wrong with me. He even told me he can hear my thoughts and he has kind of super power that I literally started talking to myself for 3 months being paranoid of what I say subcounciously in my head. I literally started having all sort of suicide ideas in my head.. This was not enough for him but he actually raged after coming out from the abortion operation cause I provoked a narcissistic injury. Found myself with a deformed face and no job. Abandoned me at my worst. Still not enough he went to rub his new affair into my face just 2 weeks after the incident! His type would never ever apologises to you! Never ever tries to get back to you! He is so drawn into himself that he can’t see others!
    WELL HELLO SWEET REVENGE! YOU MADE ME SUFFER SO IT’S TIME FOR SOME BLOODY RIDE OF REVENGE!
    AND THE BEST WAY TO DO IT IS BY HITTING THEM WHERE IT REALLY HURTS (THEIR FALSE IMAGE AND SELF ESTEEM) hahahaha some nasty messages how he is a psychopath unloved gross and disgusting listing his real traits and how he has a false image of himself how he actually has no accomplishment and he will be old and ugly in few years are really working! I even called him herbert the pervert and told him I actually fantasy other men when I close my eyes while having sex with you cause I can’t stand looking at your wrinkles or ugly face. Mine would go so down he wouldn’t eat hahahha he even once told me your vicious words hurt me so bad that I go through depression hahaha he even said 2 people their words would hurt me you and my dad. After this just give them the silent treatment believe me they always come back :) Well just be careful some of them have the capability to kill! I like to push the boundries ;)

  55. Cindy Henry

    Hello to all,

    Thank you for sharing, it has given me strength, I am on week 2 of his 3 rd., abandonment, I have left messages and sent texts professing my undying love for him. I am better today than yesterday but not where I need to be. I am sick with ear infection, broke and unemployed. Tonight I have seen the light…sincere gratitude to all of you.

  56. Fiona

    I agree with what all of the posts above having been saying. The narcissist I saw had gone through bankruptcy twice. I own my own property and comfortable and think this is what he was after; saw him for 18 months. I have had no contact since April this year when he told me he did not love me anymore and I needed to be grown up about it and move own plus other horrid stuff. Changed my mobile number, threw everything out, repainted the house. Dumped all contacts that we had made together and have been trying to move on. But its hard and I still shed tears. Tears for the loss of the relationship and tears for his disorder. Yes I got all the lies, cheating, moods. I stood by his side through all his bankruptcy but he dumped me when I needed him most. My problem is I keep fretting that he has met someone else and is happy .. this is what I find difficult .. HELP?

  57. It’s been about 1 and half year, I last communicated with the N. since my younger son turned 18 I’ve told the N that we were done with all the talks, was no more needs to talk, no needs to continue to hurt each other and no needs to hear his voice ever again…our story had finally came to an end I would close the book. He probably didn’t believe me. I am still standing still and not giving him any satisfactions how do I handle my sons emotional problems. He has tried many different tactics to gain my attention and obviously to he hasn’t succeed and I am praying that I never ever have to be put in a tough situation which I would have no choice but to contact him. Our sons are now old enough to contact him if they need to. I still can’t stand the idea of been near or around him. If I can I will avoid or if I ran into him, I leave. I know that I must learn to ignore him and do what I have to do but been in a bank and stand in line with him either in front or behind me is something that I honestly can’t handle. I actually have seen him and able to completely ignore him but in some other circumstances I still have a lot to learn how to better handle him. I won’t talk to him for nothing in this world and avoid him for me is a must. :)

  58. Daniel

    I don’t want revenge but I do have some questions about my situation if someone could many shed some light on this for me. I was with my BDP for 3 years and until it was over I really had no idea this even existed. She would always break up with me and then come back and this Feb she said she wasn’t in love with me anymore and hasn’t been for quite sometime. We spit for about a month which was the longest we ever were apart usually it was a few days. This time around we went to therapy she seemed very into it and was telling me she is glad be took time apart because she “missed me” and things went very fast from there. I had a commitment issues before and never really entertained marriage so part of getting back together was be being open to that. Well after a few short months she kept pushing the getting engaged card and I felt as if I didn’t take it seriously she would leave again. So I proposed it was amazing she was so happy and planning the wedding for a month straight non stop. She moved in and wanted out bank accounts together, car insurance I mean everything together. About 3 weeks later she came home one night as said “we don’t work” ” I am not in love with you anymore” out of the blue gave the ring back and moved out 2 days later. After she left she talked all kinds of shit about me saying I was a control freak, and she hated me and wish she never met me. The breakup was terrible as she was controlling everything and demanding me to do things on her timeline. I didn’t beg I didn’t fight back as this is the second time that this has happened. I have not talked to her in nearly 3 weeks and have not heard a word. Have I heard the last of her? Will she likely come back at some point to destroy me again? I have lost nearly 50 pounds and getting my life on track since this happened and it just seems her life is amazing. She has a new guy of course and makes sure FB shares all. It seems very shallow and mean and after reading all these things I have to assume its part of a BPD. I am really lost in the fact that I don’t want revenge I just want to move on but I feel so played and used. Sorry for the story but it needed the background. thanks all

    • JD

      DUDE!!!!….I am bout the same here…I love this woman with all I had,at 53 I still am vital and no problems there,and not a roll over guy..am romantic and all…One on here says to “never pamper a woman,because if they have this disorder they will cheat.or feel entitled to do so…it’s beyong their control as there is no cure fore this…I found out after 6 years of hell with the” i’m leaving shit” that she is a NARC!!! I mean the worst kind…has stole from me money and things,got into my businessess with clients and ruined that,friends gone because she said they made a pass at her….I mean if you raed and research ,you’ll here people say “RUUUUUUN”,OR MOVE…NO CONTACT ETC…But the intellect in me says to avoid any hellish shit by being cool,i have text contact but she still bashes and dillusionally lies about shit that I have seen!!!! I mean no lie here,this is serious shit,these woman are capable of causing one to commit suicide and then say” oh well,it wasn’t my fault”…beware and go with your self preservation,you’ll be better off…Because I’ve asked myself why I went a second round with this evil monster…master manipulator ,liar,flip scriptor,blames me and all but herself…feels like she is owed by the world…after she got a job in a factory where there are 8 dudes to 1 female,she started up her shit…has been gone for over a month now,I am positive she’s having an affair or just an -F- buddy…but like I say,in my case she still has her stuff at my house,and one day says oh i miss you,we need to get a place other than your place andOMG…I already know what her mind is planning on that….she’ll pick a fight(which she is a master at that) arrogant,spiteful,and she’s a cow to me now….I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE AFTER I read all on narcs I’ve been enlightened and kinduh relieved…Not saying I wouldnt grudge bang her…but then again,she hasnt wanted nor even been back to see me when the sex was absolutely fantastic…So see,she’s being faitful to her new guy,or girl?, cause she will do both…dont get me wrong,its not all about the sex(which that may be the addiction part that hurts and is being mistaken for love)…YUES it hurts like hell,but ask yourself what would she do if the reversal..woman wouldnt wait,theyd be out in a day or two….I am an entertainer and I have never had a problem attracting woman,I’m a lover,and a faitful one,amybe I’ve given to much per any boundries…but you and all of us are beating a dead horse….MOVE ON,THINK ABOUT YOURSELF,THAT WILL SCORCH HER PIE….TRY IT AND SEE,I HAD A FORMER gal who was literally stalking me after she found out I moved on and seeing another..fortunately she wasnt a narc,she just had an affair and it didnt work,and she knew I loved her,so 13 years later,she did it again…so I told her 30 days OUT!!!!..THEN I met this monster was with now and boy I feel like a psychologist now..if you need to chat hit me at 317 641 1150 JD

  59. Recovering

    Wasted 2.5 years with a N, ignored the red flags, I tried to break it off. 3 months in, to strong objections. All I can advise, accept your pain, accept it is part of you and your life, I found trying to deny it or fix it doesn’t work- accept the experience, learn, be kind to yourself and MOVE ON!!!

  60. Hi there!
    I am suffering with a NMIL. She is a nightmare and a walking talking liar on planet earth. She has completely stripped me off my confidence and self esteem. I cannot even manage to get a job for myself I feel like I am good for nothing and good at nothing. I used to be such a confident person with an infectious flair, I have lost it all. Thanks to this person called “monster in law”. My husband realizes her behavior but still insists on meeting them as she has made rules to meet up at least twice in a week. The thought of a Thursday and Sunday are unbearable. I cant function around them at all. the subtle comments and remarks, the bad things done are just unexplainable. My husband cant do anything about it because he is constantly made to feel guilty about him not taking care of his parents. They make him feel miserable too. My MIL talks absolute s*** about me behind my back to people. She is driving me crazy and is a torture. The problem here is if I confront her she turns the table round me and makes me the villain in the family and her husband and her daughter will make sure that I pay for just confronting their mother of her wrong doing. It feels like a mad dog is unleashed in the society and can be dangerous to anyone around it. Can you please help me to make a stand for myself or anything that will make me feel better at the moment. I feel down in the dumps. If i take any severe action she will make the whole family go against me. They invite me for functions only to realize that she has told everyone something about me and everyone’s treating me like shit. I don’t know what on earth to do to make her pay for her doing. She cant get away with this. I’m furious and angry all the time. She is a B****

    • JD

      ADVICE….GET AWAY FROM IT…ITS INCURABLE AND THEY ARE MASTER MANIPULATORS,MINE HAS DONE the same thing,lies her ass off that I’m the bad guy when she’s clearly scewing around…it says they do these things to ease their guilt,)if they have any at all)….Theonly way to get at a NARC is to NOT have any contact,once you move on and show you are fine,then they cant feed on you anymore,that will scorch her pie…she’ll be thinking how dare him…be cool though because when crossed they are ruthless and with NOOOOOOO CONCIENCE WHATSOEVER….NOT NORMAL HUMANS AT ALL…GET AWAY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS,there are NORMAL,compassionate,caring,giving woman out thre and you’ll regret the time wasted with this DEMON with boobs…lol

  61. Wendy

    I’m not sure my bf I a N. We have been dated on and off for almost a year. He will get mad and leave usually 4 to 6 weeks. Well we broke up again 4 days ago after a scream fight and hit the table so loud and told me to leave. The next day he texts me and acting like nothing was wrong when I started acting coy he got furious and stared ripping off these horrible texts and saying I F/U and it was over and I attacked him, like really, I thought what a pussy. But again I find myself thinking of him, missing him, wanting to call, txt or go by his house. The sex is so damn good I feel like a teenager again, I’m 50 and he’s 54? Does he sound like a N? Someone please share your thoughts…

  62. doveofpeace

    Narcissist is a human garbage.

    I work together with my N ex in the same company, so NC is virtually impossible. I did try it thought for 2 months, avoiding him, treating him like he doesn’t exist, etc. He took it all in a stride, like NC doesn’t bother him at all. He actually thrive on it.

    NC is a negative reaction, and narcissist thrive on any reaction, both positive and negative reaction from us. Now I treat him with indifference. Coldly saying good morning, how’re you doing, or, have a good week end, while keep walking pass him without pausing a beat for his answer, like his answer doesn’t really matter for me and I am just asking for the sake of politeness. He is festering inside and groping around to try to have a longer conversation with me. I answer all his questions in a short but polite manner, all the while keep doing whatever I am doing without giving him any attention at all. You know, the kind of answer you are giving to a 3 year old child who is trying to show you his coloring when you are busy writing your report for tomorrow’s meeting. You sort of giving him a half second sideway glance and say; “oh, that’s nice dear, now why don’t you color some more?”. And I always be the one who ends the conversation, usually with; “Ok, got to go, see you around”, or “Oh my God I am so late for…”.

    Believe me, treating him with indifference is better than NC. It makes him feel like he is nobody and doesn’t worth your time. When you give him NC, he thinks it’s because you are still hurting, not over him yet or simply can’t handle any interaction with him because he is too irresistible. And he is liking all those reason.

    Treat him with indifference and he will squirm. Every N knows that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

  63. Back again. Third time. Back to being miserable around the holidays, this time once again I broke it off because he was taking off to Florida again to be with his family and leaving me behind.,then screaming at me in my face in a crowded bar and humiliating me. After a day I stupidly called him and he reaffirmed he was done with me, don’t wanna see ya , don’t text me, done, done done. Nothing not a word in a solid week. I stupidly sent hate emails and texts dozens of them, and did a stupid house drive by. I’m losing it. I was hospitalized last month for stress due to HIM?! I’m smart , I’m 45 , have kids,have no energy, depressed, no holiday spirit ,,Lonley, feel like I will never meet another man like him, and yet listening to myself I wanna choke myself, he used me for his own pleasure , and not sexual pleasure, he had no problems discarded me whenever he wanted to. EVERY single time we break up! HE alwaysssss returns. Always , either with a text , a phone call,,or shows up. He is blocked from calling me, but he creates email accounts and figures out a way to get to me.

    It’s strange how looking back here how three times now I’ve been here and I’ve yet to learn my lesson. What is wrong with me? And what’s scarier is when will he be back to feed me his line of bullshit?!!

    • LisaR

      Sweetie,

      Join the club. I did the same thing, but only to speak with him in person, because he likes discarding me over the phone. They know how to choose their victims, and even if you 100% normal, they will drive you to being almost insane.

  64. gordon w

    Thank you Alex and to the ladies of toads who remind me of what it was like when i am upset and think and feel i still love and miss her. I read and swapped toad for toadette.
    I need to be reminded because i am inclined to forget the traits of a N/Bpd and almost need to be reassured i wasnt the one with the disorder as everything wld be turned back on me.
    Perhaps my mistake was i cld help her and tht she might change and return the love i did actually try give.
    I need to break all ties in a toxic relationship one day at a time.
    Things working out with her were pure fantasy from the star
    I realise this forum was for the girls but it has provided me with great insight and i am very greatful.
    I made mistakes in this relationship but i need to let go of what i felt & Remember what i deserve. No contact my side 34 days a day at a time.
    I pray you all can detach and be happy. Thx Gordon

    • Aunt Alex

      It’s not a forum for the ladies only, gordon. Female narcissists are just as toxic and destructive as their male counterparts. You’ll go on to have a peaceful future — she never will.

      Hugs-
      Alex

  65. Issy

    If you look at your ex narcissist with pity and talk to him in the same manner then that should be enough to get his back up. They think every bad action is justified and it’s you who are in the wrong, by turning the table and focusing on them (which they want you to do), with a concern about their mental health – this should tip them over. Mine belittled me for years until he left to find some new meat, so give them a taste of their own medicine by screwing with their minds. They have a superiority entitlement and therefore think you are no longer worthy of them, show you’ve moved on and they don’t matter any more. It’ll kill them.

  66. Dibri

    Just found this site and I’m after just finally coming to the realization that I was in a 9 month relationship with an N, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my suffering. I pride myself on being such a good judge of people and I don’t generally let people get too close to me, especially men. But he literally swept me off my feet and he was everything I thought a man ought to be–charming, intelligent, funny, sexy, talented and supportive. In fact, I thought I had met the man I was going to marry. He had a larger-than-life personality but oddly enough, very little material success. He said he had a house but no car and worked two days a week at a menial job. However, I started to get suspicious when he never invited me to his place. Once, he’d left his wallet at my place and I told him I would drop it off at his house the next morning. He said okay, but instructed me to come at the exact time I said I would and call when I was on my way. When I got there, he was standing on the sidewalk in front of the house waiting for me which I thought was kinda strange. (Turns out he doesn’t own the house but lives there with another girlfriend!) Then suddenly the disappearances started. I wouldn’t hear from him for a couple of days, then it was a week, then two, then a whole month. But I would be calling and texting HIM saying how much I missed him and begging him to call me. He never responded and I couldn’t understand it. I kept my cell phone with me day and night and when he would call–no matter what time it was–I would answer. Never angry, always understanding, so grateful he hadn’t left me I could’ve cried. The few times I did get fed up and leave and angry voice message, he would immediately call with soothing words and promises to “do better.” Because I loved him and I didn’t care what he said or did, I just knew how he made me feel and every time he came back, he made me feel SO DAMN GOOD!!!!! I guess I should have figured it out. My sister kept trying to tell me there was something wrong about him, that she thought he was a no-good liar and begged me to break it off. But I wouldn’t hear a negative word about my man–from anyone. But I made him promise he would never leave me without saying goodbye. How naive. He left me for good on December 13, 2013. I didn’t know this at the time, of course. He was supposed to come over for dinner but didn’t show up. Then another week passed with no calls and another, then Christmas Day (his birthday) and New Year’s Eve and still no calls or responses to my calls, texts or e-mails. Friends told me they saw him around town during the holidays and just by chance I came across his profile on a free dating website where he had posted over 900 “selfies,” many showing him frolicking at his favorite nightspot during Christmas 2013. There he was having a grand old time while I had been home alone sad,worried and miserable. I sent him a mocking text calling him “The Selfie King” and let him know he was busted and that since he looked to be doing so well I no longer consider recommending him for a particular well-paying freelance gig. When I logged onto the site again, he had taken down all of the x-mas ’13 pics as if that were his way of apologizing for hurting my feelings. I feel like I want to say something to him, help him if I can. But from everything I’ve read, there is no help for him or us and I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe we’re going to end like this and there’s absolutely nothing I can say or do. I haven’t contacted him anymore, but every fiber of my being wants to call him, text him, camp on his doorstep, shout, scream, cry, do anything, anything, ANYTHING to get him back. Because every day without him feels like another day when I’m just. . .not. . . myself.

    • Aunt Alex

      Welcome to the Army. Hang out with us. You’re ONLY yourself when you’re nowhere near his lame-ass, psycho carcass; he makes you doubt yourself, which you do not need. With time, you’ll realize that, and every day without him will feel like a reprieve from a life sentence in a gulag full of assholes. So to speak.

  67. Lace

    I have been the OW for a year and a half with a N. I recently friended his wife from a fake account I made to help aid in my constant battle with my intuitions telling me I’m being stupid and naive for believing anything that comes out of his mouth… “I’m leaving her to be with you” “She’s moving out at the end of this month…” only to have that month come and nothing happen and him have an excuse ready. I am now at the point that I need to end it after seeing all his lies in pictures from this wife’s account. So my question is… do I play on his fears.. of being alone, not “good” enough and outed? Or strictly go no contact. Do I create distance between us and then tell him I can’t do this anymore and that I’m truly sorry but I meet someone? And watch him pull out all the stops to understand what happened and why? Would he do that? And sit back and ignore and watch the show finally happen on his end??? Where do I go from here?

    • Aunt Alex

      He’ll NEVER give you a satisfying show, and he’ll ALWAYS be better at mind games than any healthy, normal person such as yourself. He’s got YEARS of experience under his greasy belt.

      What will scorch his frosting is exactly what is also the best thing for you: Never speak to him again. Never respond to him again. Mourn, heal, and go on to have a rich, full life. Contentment and well-being are the best revenge.

  68. Shar

    Dear Wendy (Oct 2013 posting)

    Yes, he is a narcissist-no matter how much pain you feel, leave him alone! Let his disappearance work for you and against him by finally bringing this awful relationship to an end. You crave his soothing kindness after he rips your heart out-that is the addiction aspect, but the kindness and loving, caring he displays is the fake persona used to “hook” you back into his control. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My darling sister is also a victim of an NPD monster who moved into her neighborhood, pursued her, presented himself as the perfect man for her and then once she fell for him has used her feelings for him against her to devalue her all the while lying and hiding his long term girlfriend from her. A long time girlfriend he and his horrible friends intentionally kept hidden during his pursuit and subsequent capture of my sisters heart. Sadly, the girlfriend could be my sisters twin- she is so sweet and giving to this monster, but even worse for my sister is that she has to live next door to this creep who continuously seeks her attention but leaving his outdoor lights on all night, bringing his rotten friends over to make lots of noise so she’ll notice him, parading around his property when he knows my sister is home and when all else fails, inviting his poor, sweet girlfriend to sleep over at his house so that my sister can see them together. My sister only dated this toad for 5 months but is continuously experiencing all the “hook” and devaluation and discarding that NPDs are notorious for, even though she dropped him like a hot potato when she found out about his girlfriend. He won’t leave my sister alone and continues to cycle to get my sisters attention with noise/lights/friends/flaunting so that he can reject her (devalue) and stage himself/his house so when my so
    sister arrives he from work, she will see him run away from her or see him hide/snap his window blinds closed, etc. Wendy, it will never end unless you cut of all contact and get away. Take back your control. Get back your power. You can do it. It is very painful to leave someone you feel such strong caring for but if you do not leave, you will waste the best of you on someone who is incapable of love. You deserve better. My darling sister is working to get away from her “stalker” and there are bad days when he gets her to notice him by behaving sweetly or by wearing a vulnerable expression only to slam the window blinds shut the next the next day when my sister pulls into her driveway. Nobody likes to be rejected, but if you keep going back to your narc that is what will keep happening. Good luck to you-I’m sure you are a beautiful person with a warm, caring soul and you certainly deserve better than being abused by a miserable creep who does not deserve your love. God bless and good luck to you.

    • JD

      ITS A FEMALE NARC…DOES YOUR WRITE CORULATE WITH FEMALE TOO….IM THE GUY WHO IS FINDING OUT WHAT SHE IS

      • Wendy

        JD are you responding to me? If so I didn’t follow what you said?

        • JD

          My first long post of my situation is what this pertains too….me telling what she’s done and is doing right now…thee,I GUESS? response was about a man….thats why i wrote” female narc” I’m the victim,a man

          • Wendy

            JD Please be strong. Love is not suppose to hurt. I think we feel hurt all the time that we think its normal. Mind games oh how I hate all that bullshit.

          • JD

            THANKS….AND I AM SOOOO GLAD I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS,I HAVE REPLIED SEVERAL ON HERE TO HELP THEM,AS I AM ENLIGHTENED NOW AFTER 6 GRUELING YEARS OF 2 ND TIME AROUND INCLUDED…THEYWILL MAKE YOU CRAZY…No wonder I was low energy,zero confidence,found myself crying like I’d lost a family to a death…GOD BLESS YOU AND THIS FORUM JD

          • Wendy

            God Bless You Too JD and this forum!

  69. Frankle

    Hi,

    The best way to ‘play’ a player is to let him ‘play’ himself. Ignore, don’t react to anything they say/do, stay neutral, invest your time in other people around you who are more worthwhile, emit an air of I don’t need you or want you, I don’t care one way or the other – RESULT – the Narc cannot stand the ‘I’m not so important to you then now? Validate me, Validate me, self inflicted panic to supply getting away I believe. In effect, you turn around their shortfalls just like a Narc has done to you. You’ll find they will continue to try and keep the string attached to you to puppet you but you know in your head actually they’ve put themselves on their own string of addiction to getting Narc supply from you; in your head you’ll know they won’t let go but they can’t have you. The power of the mind is the thing that will get you through :-)

  70. LisaR

    JD–Me too, I cried and screamed like I lost someone to death. It hurts and I don’t wish this on anyone–except for the narc!! Great post.

  71. Brandy

    It’s been almost 4 months since broken up by text! And 2 months no contact. I began to wake up to his treatment & he tried to destroy me saying ‘I’ll always be alone & no one will ever love me’. I didn’t know what was happening- but in hindsight- I’m glad I called him a stalker- he did hover while we dated & didn’t trust me ever- anyway, calling him a stalker has taken that tactic away from him because he knows I’m on to him. I also made him so mad he deleted my number. Unfortunately he emailed me & I responded- he kept saying the lack of attention & sex is why he left- I said his taking his insecurities out on me & constant accusation of cheating drove me crazy – he never responded. After 30 days no contact I terminated my email account. Part of me really hopes he’s tried emailing me & gotten the automatic message saying my accounts been terminated! I smile just hoping he’s tried emailing. And I live in small town & see him driving constantly- he’s looking worse- smoking again yuck- all i see is a douche & I don’t even look at him anymore. Getting Stronger by the day.

  72. eden

    I’ve been NC for 5 weeks. No intention of reaching out or responding. My N was always right, always. I consider myself a smart, no nonsense woman and still got suckered. Was going thru a divorce when I met him and while I knew it was too soon for a relationship he seemed like my dream man and I couldnt pass him up. Spiritual, loving, helpful, complimentary…

    Unlike alot of stories I’ve read over the net, he was sweet and helpful and supportive, bent over backwards 90% of the time, for two yrs. His erosion of me/us was subtle. We were perfect as long as I let him be right. If i disagreed with him and wouldnt accept fault things would escalate and turn ugly because I wouldnt back down. This would happen rarely at first, and when it we both felt sad because we loved each other and hated fighting. He made me feel so good that I ignored those rare disagreements.

    Over the two years I always felt something was off tho. Slowly he began to erode my confidence. Idk if it was intentional or not. Every disagreement was my fault..he wouldnt say it outright but he would invalidate my position on a subject by telling me why I shouldnt feel this way or that way, and he would talk incessantly, wearing me down until I was sympathetic with his point of view and feeling wrong. He made me believe I was insecure..I never had been before him. He had an answer for everything that ailed me..and us. But he never took advice from ME. Because he was a know it all. He would go on and on, beating me down with his verbal reasoning. Not even yelling most of the time, but almost brainwashing..he could talk for an hour straight! And expect my full attention w/o interruption! Then when it was my turn i wouldnt get 5 minutes before he’d cut me off! Highly intellectual, and well versed in Bible scripture, things he said always made sense. And over time I found myself feeling bad for not being more patient, not having better listening skills…why am I insecure about all his women friends…

    Why? Because my spirit was telling me something was off.

    He would use things I told him in trust against me. Like the fact that my dad wasnt present growing up, or that my ex husband was immature. He would say ‘u take offense to me trying to help u because ur not used to having a real man in ur life’. Or ‘ur so used to doing things on ur own that you wont let anyone help u’, ‘u ha e trust issues’. And me being fair and open to constructive criticism (unlike him), I would consider these things. And while there was truth in those statements, they werent the real reason why we would fight. I didnt mind be guided or given advice. What i hated was him taking offense when I didnt agree with his advice..or talking me to death, lecturing me like I was a child. Im a grown ass woman! I realized he couldnt function in the relationship unless i was looking UP to him, needing him. I believe he has some sort of Messianic complex mixed in with his narcissism. And he seems obsessed with finding perfect love.

    He says he loves helping ppl but its always women..weak ass women…calling him for advice. This one tried to kill herself, this one’s being abused…he loves it! He needed me to need him. I believe he genuinely tried to be everything I said I didnt get in my marriage or previous relationships.m.but so I could love him more and idealize him. Maybe not consciously, idk. And he was..and I thought I hit the jackpot. What I realize now is, he gave me some things I never got before. Things I wanted so badly in past relationships. I was addicted to how he made me feel..and I didnt want to give it up. Besides the fact that he made me believe that he understood me better than anyone ( he seemed to!), that no one else would love me as much as him (because I believed he did). So I was brainwshed for a while.

    During a a discussion where it was my turn to express my feelings, he cut me off like always (the thing he hated me to do to him of course) and tried to deflect blame. It finally clicked that it was always gonna be this way. He hung up on me, like always. Called back a mllion times, leaving messages about how he was tired of doing all the work in the relationship..here he was again, calling to work things out he said. Really? When u hung up on me and wouldnt let ME speak. The double standards! I sent a text and said I was done. I’d said it before but this time I changed my number. Havent spoken to him since. I will admit I get satisfaction knowing how it must have driven him crazy being cut out like that. But really it was the only recourse or I’d still be a hamster on the wheel. I see now that while he may have tried to love me in his way, it wasnt good enough. And it wasnt the right love. I dont need a saviour, a guru, a father. I need a partner, an equal, a whole person. And had *I* been a whole person before I got into the relationship I wouldnt have allowed his words to sway me when my spirit was telling me otherwise. So I blame myself as much as I blame him. So lesson learned.

    Hurts like hell and knowing what I know hasnt stopped me from missing him. But I love myself enough now to stay the fk away from him. He’s delusional; I dont believe he realizes it. And he justifies everything in his mind where hes always the victim. He believes I hurt him..has sent nasty emails (because I changed my number), I used him blah blah. I didnt respond. No impulse to call him at all. I believe he wont contact me again because he’s conceited and believes I hurt *him* and has convinced himself he’s better off without my negative influence. Lol.

    I know he probably stalks my fb using a secret pg he created cuz hes blocked. He created statuses and made them public for me to see. It hurt, but I shouldnt have looked. So I stopped looking. Its hard to reconcile the ugly parts of him with the good (and there was so much good!). I saw relatively early that he had some issues but i never gueesed he was a narc. I wanted to help him, the way he helped me. But i did t realize his hangups were clinical. I never knew ppl could be this twisted. I’m scared to be in another relationship! I went from crying myself to sleep, now to a tear or two, or just pockets of sadness. I’m mostly ok. Cuz I kno it was the right thing. I still love him but it feels wasted because I no longer kno what was real and what wasnt. I dont think I will ever know and thats the hardest part. I go round and round in my mind. And i kno he misses me too – if he hasnt convinced himself he hates me – and just doesnt get it. And he never will. But he has all of his puppets to perform for…

    I’m proud of myself for walking away and you ladies should be too (even if u were left). There are women who sadly dont have the strength or instinct to realize how theyre being manipulated. Be kind to urselves and love urselves, more than u think you already do. Take the lesson, and this wont happen to us again.

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