Missing the Narcissist

Now you’ve done it. Forced to choose between your own sanity, your future and sense of self, and the arbitrary, absurdly selfish whims of a mentally ill manipulator, you’ve chosen the high road to peace and clear thinking. You’ve broken up with the narcissist.

IT’S NOT TOO LATE!!!! CALL HIM!!! Beg his forgiveness! Yes, he’ll wiggle with glee at your showering him with this attention and taunt you with ambivalence or outright haughty insults as punishment for your taking control of your own life, but hang in
there! You might still be able to resume your place in his whacked psychoworld!

OK. I know. You miss him. We all know how that feels. But, now, let’s take a peek at this ‘missing’ thing.

I assume we all agree that with narcissists, we’re generally dealing with two people: The guy he is, and the guy he pretended to be. You miss one of them. I take it we all know which one.

Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned. In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, you’ve got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldn’t be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all.

When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! ‘You’re alive!,’ you think. ‘You’re not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! You’re finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?’

Whoa, there, Sister. Let me spare you a tiny bit of hurt here by having us skip ahead to where he slams you again and you wake up in the harsh, cold world of Reality. Things just got even worse. Pretend Guy is still gone, Actual Guy is still abusing you, Pretend Guy and Actual Guy are still the same guy, AND now any baby steps into healing you might have made just got deleted into nothingness.

And you wonder how he’s feeling. Of course you do; not only are you sensitive and caring (narcissists don’t pick hardasses for partners), but you’re conditioned to feel that way. The entire relationship was about him and his wants and needs. He literally trained you to think of little else. The real you, the pre-narcissist you, doesn’t want an abusive, mentally ill, inconsistent, selfish freak, ridiculous in his pandering for attention, chock full of contempt and inner conflicts that spill out and burn you. The real you wants a real partner.

“Hey,” I hear one loyal heroine say. “Don’t talk about him like that! He’s NOT an abusive, selfish freak! He’s…. Well, OK, he’s an abusive, inconsistent, selfish, ridiculous, freak, but he’s MY abusive, selfish freak!” Oh. Sorry. Hey, didn’t I see you last week on Jerry Springer?

For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend Lin. Lin’s man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was unempathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. Lin knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; he’d grow distant, she’d work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall?

Friend Lin stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she ‘selfishly’ left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Let’s ask her, shall we?

Aunt Alex: Hey, Lin. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their narcissist partners?

Lin: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!!

Hmmm. Well, don’t pay any attention to her. She should have stayed for 31 years; maybe THEN he would have changed. Besides, YOUR narcissist is different! HE’LL get better! He will! I swear! Please, just take him back and get him away from the rest of us…

When we leave the narcissist, it’s because the abuse has gotten intolerable. Afterward, when he calls us and pushes the buttons he knows extremely well, the temptation to give him another chance can be overwhelming. We’re hurt; we’re mad; we want to recoup some of our losses; we love him and want it to work; we just can’t believe that anyone would be so warped as to hurt us that way, so we want to give them the benefit of the doubt. All roads point to trying again with the narcissist.

Except for one. Reality. Which is Truth. Reality is Knowledge, and Honesty with yourself. It’s Your peace. Your health. This road points in the opposite direction, away from the narcissist. Yes, it’s an uphill road, but if you can invest in the climb, the view from the top is spectacular.

Does it seem like if you just invested enough love and time in the narcissist, well, it just can’t help but to get better?

Our Lin spent 30 years wanting her narcissist to get better. I wonder if he started to get a little better around year 10. Or year 17. Year 23? Year 29? Is Lin content that she tried hard enough to make the relationship work? Let’s ask Lin.

Aunt Alex: Hey, Lin, are you glad you spent 30 years in a ‘relationship’ with a narcissist?

Lin: AAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHH……. AAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKHHHHHH….

Sorry, folks. Apparently I said something wrong.

63 Comments

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63 Responses to Missing the Narcissist

  1. Please delete the above post, there is a typo in it.

    I really love your essay. It is fabulous! I only wish I had someone talk to me like this 23 years ago. It took that long and a world of hurt to finally say “No More!” I would love to put a link on my blog to this post. Can I have your permission to use your story. I really think it is a wake up call to all of us who have doubts about whether Mr. Pretend was real or not and if we could have only done something MORE or DIFFERENT to make him stick around. Uhg!

  2. Can you post a link on your blog, and talk about it, you mean?

    You bet, girlfriend. Spread the word. :-)

    Alex

  3. Donna

    It’s taken me 4.5 years of an online ‘romance’ for me to be able to read this article and genuinely laugh at its truthfulness. I knew years ago my ‘friend’ fit the profile for an N, but I just didn’t want to believe it. I missed him so much I thought I would die if I couldn’t stay in touch with him. Thank you God, I can finally see what a sad little person he really is and feel sorry for him. If he contacts me again, I plan to play with his head…..;-)

    • Donna………… trust me…….”if he contacts you again?” Honey, NO CONTACT!!!! Make yourself unavailable to him. And no matter how much you cry and want to hear his voice……… just recall what it was……. and it will only get worse. They do not heal. God bless.

      • Julie

        Hello, I just wanted to say that I am in week two of breaking up with an N. Still struggling but I have know it will never improve for a long time. At the moment I miss him but having left the relationship several times, I realise now that he is not capable of changing. He has started dating someone else already although he still wants contact with me as ‘friends’ I have declined this as I genuinely believe that I have been sitting on the fence for years now with no real commitment from him. Anyway, just wanted to say that it is helping me read this and that he fits the bill 100%

  4. AdmitTruth

    “Pretend Guy is gone. Deceased. This hurts. This really hurts. It needs to be mourned. In addition to the loss of Pretend Guy, you’ve got mucho grande abuses heaped on you by Actual Guy. Topping off this pile of misery and trauma, Actual Guy and Pretend Guy inhabit the same body. Only another psycho wouldn’t be thrown into a tailspin by the surreality of it all.”

    This is SO spot on. The problem is, Pretend Guy is dead, but his corpse is alive and well and walking around sporting his beloved face. Real Guy understands the advantage of this built-in mindf— all too well.

    The entire article is a joy to read, the way it uses absurdity to deal with a very real emotional dilemna and make it seem like, well, not so much of a dilemna after all. THIS was the passage that slayed me:

    “When he calls you after the breakup, he sounds just like Pretend Guy! ‘You’re alive!,’ you think. ‘You’re not dead! Yes, YOU are my true love! You’re finally back! Oh, WHEN can I see you?’ ”

    Every single word of that, punctuation and use of all-caps included, is just 24 karat GOLD. I laughed hard all the way through, and have been walking around the house saying, in my best Rescued Princess voice, “He looks just like PRETEND GUY!!” And then laughing myself silly.

    By way of backstory, after a 4-year on-again, off-again relationship, I got my final rude awakening from my N just about a month ago. The words on this website give me a GREAT perspective on the whole situation, and my story begins to look less tragic (although of course it is that) and more comic all the time. I’d rather laugh than cry anyday. THANK YOU for the gut-busters.

    • Clarie

      “The problem is, Pretend Guy is dead, but his corpse is alive and well and walking around sporting his beloved face. Real Guy understands the advantage of this built-in mindf— all too well.”

      True. So how do I deal with him when I see him daily and he snubs me. I felt that rush of ” I’m alive” when I heard from him after many Abusive contacts, over and over, until his final blow, now I started NC. How do I ignore him. This just provokes him into being very mean.

      Four years for me also. Now his new supply gets an earful of me. Just like it started with me. Ohhhh I felt so sorry for him. How could a gal treat such a perfect wonderful guy so badly I thought !! Now he’s using me for his new supply. Right under my face. How do I deal and not miss him? Little reminders of how toxic a man he is helps. That final blow helps. Also, the silly thought that’s yes, he’s going even crazier without me. He couldn’t get through a day wo contact. The bitterness in me is over whelming. I care to much as I would for any other person. I read once that I shouldn’t change how I am. Just close my boundaries to abusive, hateful people. I never met a NPD. I am amazed at the similarity. We have got to be talking about the same guy ! They all must if read the same book on NPD.

      So how do I deal.

  5. David

    I wish there were more about female narcissists. I”m a very sensitive and gentle and giving man trying to put my life back together and come to terms with the firestorm of my 2 year whirlwind with a female narcissist. Yes, pretend and real. I agree. I’m completely addicted to what the pretend “her” shared with me and what I felt when it was right. Sex, closeness, acceptance, intimacy. The very things that evaporated and became tools or control and crushing aggression. I’ll never be the same, one day I hope I’m better and stronger for it. I think I will but don’t know how to get from here to there. Let go of the desire for that delicious closeness. Thank you for your postings.

    • Amber

      David, it’s been a year. How did you handle staying away from her? I’m 90 days nc, but feel like you did and I’m devastated. Thanks for any advice. C

  6. Dawn

    hello – I am going to start with this post to see how my name shows up here. My annonymity is very important and the need to stay safe is even more so.

  7. Dawn

    okay – now I can say what I need to say. I would like to first reply to Donna’s post and the last thing that she wrote – “I plan to play with his head”. Donna the worst thing you can do is mess with a narcisist because they are like a ball balancing on the edge of psychopath. They can get physically abusive. Please remember they have no empathy and you are the narcisistic supply that they are loosing. Please be careful.

    When I finally wokeup and realized something was wrong and that this relationship was toxic I started searching the net for information on :”toxic relationships” and that’s when I stumbled upon this personality disorder called “Narcisism”.

    I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a man who I called my friend. It stared out as a friendship and so much that has been said here on this website is what has happened to me throughout those 7 yrs. Now I am working very hard to separate from this friendship. The reason why I found this website here is because I am feeling the need after 2 weeks of removing myself 100% from the situation to contact him. Instead I am finding these types of forums to speak about him instead of to him. I am keeping it green so I don’t forget what I have been thru and know that I am not alone in it.

    I can’t say too much more about myself personally because the Narcisist that I am recovering from is also a drug abuser (which many N’s are because they have an extreme addictive streak) and is doing what many narcisists do, engaging in dangerous activites and feels he is above the law. He is having fantasies of getting even with someone else that abandoned him and he made the mistake of telling me of his dangerous thoughts. That was my red flag. Then 2 weeks ago when I said no to his request to help him with something he started calling me that person’s name saying that I was just like them. So the threat became my reason to stand firm but I have to be very careful. He is now that ball teetering on the edge of psychopath.

    I truly believe that we are victims of past narcicists, those people who when we were growing up we needed to raise us; and/or if we grew up in alcoholic or codependent households. We are prime targets for a narcisist because we don’t know any different. That’s why it takes so long to figure out that we have been had. I can’t focus on all the years I’ve wasted – I am looking to the future and all the things I can now do and hopefully not fall into this trap ever again. It is giving me a new life with so much to look forward to as long as I keep vigilant and not let him back in.

  8. dawn hall

    hi all it’s been two weeks and I’ve managed to not make any contact but it’s been really hard.

  9. Just recently I have been forced to deal with/cut off an incredibly terrible narcissist, my fiancé’s friend. She is the herpes narcissist! She refuses to have personal accountability, never is wrong, cannot loose at anything, will ignore everyone else’s feelings or needs to satisfy herself. And worst of all will justify the mistreatment of others, constantly making it seem that they “deserved it” or “made her do it”. Constantly stating that others are the aggressors, that she is innocent. How do I deal with this person? I am for now ignoring her.

  10. I’ve been in a 14 month on/off rollercoaster ride with a Narcissist. He graduated from college with honors, is athletic, and is so charming. He works with children and volunteers coaching. He has parents that are well-known in the community. He’s had the same group of friends since 6th grade. My question is, do these other people know that he’s a Narcissist and just protect him or are they not subjected to the same treatment that I am? Is he able to be a Narcissist to those he dates and “normal” to people he works with, goes to school with, lives with? His mother refuses to talk to me because I brought to her attention a devastating lie that he told me about his father being in a coma (which he was not) in order to only see me after visiting hours (10 p.m.) for a full month. Incidentally, my own father had never came out of a coma and died. It’s all so confusing to me. He calls me a “sneak” for checking up on him (on public websites/facebook) and asking people questions about his life. He has told me over a dozen times that I should believe him stating, ” I have no reason to lie to you, not ever.” When I bring up instances that I know he is lying about (fact checked on websites, facebook postings, etc.) he’s told me, “It creeps me out how you conjure up these thoughts that I’m lying to you and deceiving you. I just don’t have time to even entertain the notion.” He is famous for keeping me waiting (up to 4 hours) but will text message me the entire time and not cancel. When I call things off, he waits for a safe “cooling off” period then sends me messages like, “You talk to me the perfect way. You know me so intimately, in a way that no one can touch. You’re sweet as an angel and fun. I just love everything about you.” or “You’re worse than a drug baby :) I can’t be without you. I’ve tried and you’re too much of a good thing and amazing woman xoxo in every sense of the word.” When I bring up issues that we are having and then ask if he’s willing to do something different to resolve the conflict he responds, “You’re not asking for anything I can’t do baby.” However, in a day, few days, nothing has changed and he’s not followed-through with the request. When I ask him about things that I have found to be lies he responds, “I’m sorry that I don’t dignify the accusations with a response it’s just a waste of my time to play ‘he said she said’ with you or anyone for that mater. I do love you.” He refuses to take responsibility and will turn the problem on me, sometimes even using my own words, to mean something different then how I implied it. At times I feel like I’m going crazy – that it’s like a complete drug withdrawal – each time that we are apart. I don’t know how to get through the rough painful periods and end up giving in and going back only to be treated worse each time. I wish there was more information on how to be able to have “NO CONTACT” when you’re heart wants the “him he tells you he is going to be” more than anything in the world.

    • Julia

      Wow so I so understand your situation and your questions. It makes no sense that we even want answers regarding these jerks but here we are needing answers because this is more than our brain can handle alone. I am so grateful for this site and I’m so grateful you told your story because it prompted me to tell mine below. Of course I went on and on and on… I wasn’t planning on writing it. I never expected to have it all come flying out. I look at how long it is and cringe.
      I wish I had the answers to your questions for you; they are my questions too. I have a lot more of course as I’m sure you do too. But what I’m gathering from this site, we will never have the answers bc we’re trying to make sense of the senseless…. I hope someone has the right words for us. It helps…at least for a little while… And then more questions creep in.

      So those of you who can, please, please, give us the aanswers to those question so we can have something to hold on to, to understand, to make sense. Even if it is senseless.

  11. vivigive

    I was lucky as Pretend guy went away for a weekend and shaved his beard shaved his hair supershort and waxed his body and came back looking feeling and speaking like a completely different robotic unloving person who did not want to touch me…it was disturbing but at least now when I see him I do not see Pretend guy he is ugly now.

  12. Joan

    I just stumbled across your article. I have been with my Narcissist for close to eight years. A part of those out years he spent a few months in a mental health home were he was treated. After an event with his mother which resulted in him being taken there by force (police were involved) I learned he was a Narcissist after psych evaluation.

    At Christmas he dropped the pretend guy act, I noticed a few days prior he was slowly going into psychosis. He was all loving one minute and because I said no to his request he showed his real self. The atmosphere was cold and he didn’t really want to bother with me. Yet as we exchanged gifts in front of family he in fact gave me “fake” kiss. Actually I got the gift tag which reads to my Joanny from My Heart. Which he only wrote the day before Christmas.

    By boxing the Narcissist showed his full force and he attacked me in many ways in my own bedroom at my parents house. My beloved’s whole psyche had changed, his face became a demon’s and his voice had squeaks and was very high. Spittle was coming from his mouth as he filithy words came out of his mouth. Because I screamed my mother heard me and ran to the door asking what was going on. Narcissist choked me and I managed to call out to my mother who stepped in. Finally he left and there is another whole story there.
    I just couldn’t take it any more. This was the second Christmas he ruined because I said no to his disgusting requests. It just confuses me why weeks even months he can be the most sweetest guy around. Yet he morphs into the Demon of the Narcissist at snap of the fingers.
    To say the least I think the relationship is over, we have not contacted each other since the events happened. I do miss him, I miss the pretend sweet funny gorgeous Narcissist. I don’t miss the demon.

  13. Julia

    My first reaction to reading AvaMarieSophia’s story was to start yelling out loud, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” over and over and over. I would literally gasp at some parts – yes, suck in air loudly and unexpectedly – because it was HIM. It was ME. How can she be so dead on? How did she know? How did she repeat the same lines he told ME? Could it be? Could it actually be true that my N wasn’t different and a little better than the others I read mostly about? You mean, she had one like mine too? AvaMarieSophia was a but different than the other stories with similar behavior but not exactly like my N. She exposed more of the “Baby, you are my everything…you know me like no one else…no one has ever been able to handle me or understand me like you can. You are the perfect girl. You really are perfect for me.” You heard more of THAT then the “You make me sick. You need to be ____ or ____.” Noooo, I was perfect ALWAYS.

    You see, the stories I’ve read here and on other sites described more about their N’s abusiveness than about the promises, assurances of love, and the bait to keep me and not discard me like those others did. That’s what made MY Narc different. Yes, he too was indeed a Narc but…he loved me more & THAT is why I wasn’t really verbally or physically abused. However (taking a shameful breath now) I know why I wasn’t as abused and it wasn’t because he loved me more than them. Deep down I know exactly why. Wanna know? He didn’t abuse me as badly because we were a long distance relationship. From these stories I have been reading, I have come to realize that I gave him that “Peter Pan’s Never Neverland” longer than most. He could pull me off the shelf when he wanted keeping me believing he was making me his priority, when in fact he was using me for the best fix ever.

    I know now, because of the help from these stories, that I was the best because he could do so much without me seeing his ugliness or the truth that he wasn’t in a meeting, he wasn’t doing his expenses for hours, going to the movies with his brother, on a long audition for a movie, working on his art, or hanging with his buddies (the few he had) at the bar watching the game. He wasn’t really aching for me like he led me to believe while doing all the things I just mentioned. It was easy to fool me because of our East Coast/ West Coast time difference, combined with not actually being able to see he wasn’t where he said he was. I truly believed those meetings existed. I couldn’t actually see that he wasn’t really in a suit holding a briefcase with a bunch of big wigs. If I was actually there at that time, I would have instead seen him in his casual clothes holding hands with the other fools falling for his charisma. I would have been in his bed waiting for him to come home and, instead of believing the poor guy was so exhausted he fell asleep and slept all night, I would have been aware he wasn’t asleep in his bed at all, and accusing him of banging some bar whore or that other girlfriend he had for 3 months he forgot to mention. If I saw and started accusing, I would have ruined his magical world of love and his unlimited tank supplier. I would be like the others who were abused because I would be more confrontational and inject demands, accusations and “nagging” into our Neverland of Perfection. I was the best, not because I was so adored, but because I made his honeymoon last longer. What a catch I was! I was sooooo easily manipulated. Damn.

    The first time that “other girl” came to light was 9 months into our ah-freakin-maaazing relationship. He convinced me “J” was nuts and obsessed with him. When she emailed me she was shocked to learn I wasn’t the stalker! When she read the loving texts, the heartfelt adoration emails he sent me constantly, she was shell shocked. She told me he told her he wanted to marry her and move in. Ohhhh how my N and I laughed at this girl’s delusion. “Yea right, like I would ever tell her I loved her and wanted to marry HER! hahahaha You are the only one I love. Yes, I did like her attention and I did Skype with her kinda and saw her when she came to CA but….it was nothing like she is claiming. Baby, I broke it off and she is mad. I broke it off for you. I want you. You are the perfect girl for me. I will never doubt us again.” HA! I WON! He loves ME more, bitch. So…I stayed. I believed he would never make such a horrendous mistake again. He said he wouldn’t. We still had our love. Our long distance romance. We would be together forever. Bonded. He was waiting for me.

    Narc begged me to leave the job he knew I loved in NYC. That was one of the many things he loved about me…I was so compassionate and giving. I loved working in the inner-city because I made a difference. But still, HE needed me more than underprivileged kids. Quit…please! He wanted me to leave my best friends who are like my family. He envied my close knit circle of friends. He understood how hard it would be to leave my life there but…”Come here and marry me. Quit your job. You can get certified to teach here. Or don’t work…I can support you. Come live with me. We are perfect. You know me and can handle me like no other. You love me unconditionally. You are it for me.” It took him a year and a half for me to decide he is right. So, I made plans to stay a month in August. We could start the ball rolling. Begin the process of getting my CA teaching license. I could be with him in bliss for a month this time and go back in time for the new school year and then continue with the frequent school break visits.

    So exciting, right? Yea, it was. I was gonna do it. Until that email arrived 8 months after the painful mistake he made with “J” 9 months into our relationship. This email wasn’t from “J” though. This one was from “K’s” best friend. The best friend who saw through her BFF’s new boyfriend. He was so in love with “K” for the last 3 months. He even flew to meet her family in…(wait for it)…in NEW YORK. Excuse me? Huh? Oh jeez, what a bunch of crap. Doesn’t she KNOW how much this man loves me? What a joke. Liar. Another psycho wanting my committed lover. Um, except for the pictures that accompanied it. There they were. Lovingly together. Oh the happiness shown in vivid color. OMG. I vomited. Literally. The best friend told me she exposed not just ME. *What?!!!* OMG. More? Yes. He also was pursuing that girl “J” long distance. “J” was fooled into believing he dumped ME back in August. She didn’t go back to him at first. He apparently texted her begging but she wouldn’t believe him. She was mean. But, she caved in April. Sadly, it was the same time he was getting serious with “K”. He had been begging her to Skype, begging for her to know he loved her and never stopped. Sending sexts (doubt as good as ours always were, right? Ouch) and naked pix of herself.
    Crushed we all were.
    I emailed with “K”. She was a mess. He told her he loved her after only 2 weeks. She was skeptical but he promised “When you know…you know” (HE SAID THAT TO ME! – Ouch this still hurts as I type it. Damn.) He told her a lot of things verbatim to what he said to me. (*Getting choked up here, folks. My head still can’t grasp this. It’s been almost 7 months of NC and still I can’t grasp it. Ok, let me continue.) I flipped. She flipped. HOW did you talk with ME while you were away with her for a weekend? He managed. She screamed “What were you gonna do with ME when Julia was here for a MONTH” He replied he hadn’t thought that far ahead..he was just happy I was coming for a month. (WOW! You SAY that to your other “gf”?)

    Ok, the jig was up. So, he got mean to “K”. Told her if she contacted me again he would leave her at the airport. She had gone to visit family. She needed time to think after learning about “J” – only to find out about ME while away (“Julia” the love he said he had the hardest time leaving but, alas, he would. He told her that…lie. He was never leaving his Tinkerbell in Neverland. Shocker.) But, he would “leave” her at the airport? Why wasn’t she driving herself? Well, HE had dropped her off at the airport because her car was at HIS place…Why? Because they practically lived together. WHAT??? (*Getting shaky here now, guys. Bringing back a lot.)
    Ok, so he was mean to “K” and begging in hysterics for me. She knew it. It killed her. We still compared notes. He lied. I still wanted to believe but I knew it was not going to work. He demanded I still come in August or he was done with me. When I refused to commit he got angry. We fought. I lost my pride and called him like a psycho nut. Over and over – a disgusting weakling I morphed into. I couldn’t believe it. Wait, he was mad at ME?? So I finally texted “If u want me to leave than say the word.” His text back? It was just one word. “Leave.”

    Call me naive but I reallllly don’t think he expected me to. I believe he wanted me to beg him to not be mad & that I would agree to come there as planned. Instead I wrote an email with digs about his need for women and alcohol to make him feel like a man. That he needs to win so “go ahead and say you left me. Say what you want; I don’t care. You said ‘Leave’ and I only need to hear that word once.” I think I said more but I can’t tell you because I don’t remember and I can’t go read it again because after I sent that email I deleted my email account. Gone. No more. I then went to FB. I deactivated my account. I went on to Verizon.com and had my phone cancelled. I saved all my contacts to an old phone I had and took that phone I had and snapped it in two. I couldn’t look at it. I couldn’t hope to see that red blinking light and keep watch for it like an addict looking for a drug dealer. I snapped it. I threw it in the garbage. I fell to my knees and sobbed. I vomited. But…I did it. I cried all the time. I talked about him to my friends until they wanted to choke me. I obsessed. I missed him and shockingly I still do but it has lessened immensely.

    And then, after 5 months I slipped a bit, activated my FB, and checked his page. Yes, it’s set to private but…I could see the picture at the top and there it was. A pic of him and “K”!!!!!!!!!! SHE WENT BACK!!! I couldn’t believe it. She said she would never. She said he was mentally sick. She said….she said…SHE SAID SHE WOULDN’T. She went back. He won? Now she thinks he loved her more? OMG, was I really thinking like this? Who won? A game? Yes.

    So, WHY would I care about that or him if he was such a dog to me? Why? Because, as I have learned for these invaluable blogs, I want the Pretend Guy back. I want that high that I had when I was “with” him. I can’t seem to remember the abuse. I mean, there was a little. He was verrrrry moody. He had bad moods but…I was the only one who could get him out of them. He was nasty sometimes. Got pissed off easily. He disappeared a lot even though he promised he wouldn’t do that. He would try better though. He didn’t mean to. He would infuriate me when he vanished for no reason but…I forgave easily. We used to talk for hours. I mean marathon convos that, looking back, were ALL about him. Totally 99.9% HIM. No joke. I liked it though. I loved fixing him; helping him; mothering him; loving him. I loved being his world and his air to breathe. Although I do remember crying quite a bit…but I forget why. Was there more abuse? I am not sure. I don’t seem to remember any. (STOP LAUGHING! I can hear you!)

    Ok, I just told my whole story with many facts and details missing whether due to the convenient forgetfulness or tired fingers from typing. I’m sure you could fill in the blanks easily though. Sounds like N’s are cookie cutters for the most part. Now that I wrote it though I am mad. I am mad at how deluded I can still be. If I heard anybody else tell this story I would be sickened. I would look at them like they were spineless idiots who lacked self worth. How unfair and judgmental I would be. But, understandably so considering what my story sounds like. Now that I see my story in black and white. It is nauseating. HE is disgusting. But, deep inside there is still a poison he injected that misses that high and warm fuzzy feeling I remember. Damn.

    I am also mad because now I am constantly checking their FB pages. Yes, I have NO CONTACT with him but I am realizing it is still holding on. I see that their pic is taken down. Both have taken them off. Does that mean they broke up? Does it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Already the poison that had injected me with is beginning to fester and rear itself. That poison must glow when he is anywhere near me. I need to stop. I know. DAMN. I can’t seem to. I want to know what he is doing. I’m an ass. A real idiot. I will promise you this. I will not, and I mean WILL NOT contact him. I know that for a fact. I know I won’t because I know he will love to hear from me. He will love it because he will get to crush ME instead of me cutting HIM out. Right? Is that correct?

    Damn. Got any antibiotics for this infection?

    • faysie

      Julia. Just wanted to say thank you for your comment and spilling your heart out on the page. I totally understand where you are coming from. God, they truly seem to come from the same mould with what they say and do. Good on you for being strong and remaining NC. I miss mine too – it’s been two weeks NC and he has done some really vile things in that time. I’ve remained strong though. I’m sorry to hear of what a shitty time you are been through. I agree that ignoring them (even if we do a little facebook stalking) is THE best revenge.

    • Smiling Again

      Hi Julia
      I felt I must write and thank you for telling your story. It may not be exactly the same as mine, but the feelings it evoked and the way you felt about how you were treated are a mirror image….
      “I want the Pretend Guy back. I want that high that I had when I was “with” him. ”
      “He wanted me to leave my best friends who are like my family. He envied my close knit circle of friends. ”
      “We fought. I lost my pride and called him like a psycho nut. Over and over – a disgusting weakling I morphed into. I couldn’t believe it. ”
      I have felt the same and thought maybe I was the only one to put up with such treatment (I feel so ashamed that I let him treat me so poorly AND then begged him to come back !!!). You have really helped me to come to terms with my own feelings and I have printed your comments out to read back to myself when I have a ‘wobble’. Quite a few weeks now of ‘no contact’ and I don’t intend to go back. Thank you Julia.
      :-)

    • Nikita

      Reading your post made me sooo happy I blocked my ex and all his friends on Facebook. I knew I would be looking and poisoning myself – I knew that he would do his best to parade new and used supply. It’s been 3 months now and you convinced me that I will never ever look at his pages (yes he has several) – I am going through enough torment to add this to the pain. Facebook is horrible for victims and a great narc tool.

  14. Julia

    Oh oh oh noooooo! He is making contact with my best friend thru facebook. I have had no contact with him for a week shy of 7 MONTHS. Never has he contacted my friends. He asked her to call him. I know it’s about me. I know. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I don’t know what he will say. She told him he had an hour to give her good reasons why she should call or else she won’t respond. He might not even see the FB email. Not sure but he hasn’t responded and she is about to block him now. But…but…but what does he want to say?????? Help …. fast!

  15. faysie

    Don’t do it!! It’s going to be more of the same. My ex has pulled exactly the same stunts, contacting friends (some of which he doesn’t even know), family etc etc. EVERYTHING is with a view of getting you back and securing supply. Hooking you back in. Nothing else. He is not sincere. Do not make the mistake I did of going back, even in the face of utter bastardry. Good luck. You can do this.

    • Julia

      After him emailing me several times on FB I finally answered. I wrote………
      you’re dead to me
      And then I PERMANENTLY deleted my FB page. That means it is deactivated BUT in 14 days it will be deleted….as it if never existed.

      I did it! I held tough! What did he want? i don’t know. He said “he knew the truth and it was an emergency” Wth does that mean? I’m curious but screw him. He is…dead to me.

      THANK YOU TO THIS PAGE FOR HELP!!!! I COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU GUYS!

  16. Steven

    Hi All,

    These really are horror stories and I am sorry for the pain you have gone through.
    The thing is there seems to be no real outlet or forum for men. I cant excuse my fellow members for their actions, but I can attest to the fact that there are N woman out there.

    My ex, who interestingly had studied psychology is one of those. Not only that, she is the one on medication.
    The just apportions labels to everyone else except herself. It is just some kind of reflective mechanism it think for her own insecurities and inability to deal with the past issues in her life. I have been so distressed by her continued put downs, patterns of abuse, cycles etc.

    It is so awful the self doubt, that I have had to see a couple of independent psychologists to get second and third opinions on myself. The thing is she readily labels not only myself as an N, but everyone else seems to be the ones with the problems.

    The abuse is then turned around to paint herself as the victim and then put on the internet for the world to see. Then unfortunately the “friends” who only see/hear her side of the story then jump on the bandwagon and malign me.

    What is worse, she will blame me for contacting friends and family, but has done exactly the same. The hypocrisy just is astonishing.

    There is just no right of reply for men. Once it is out there, it is out there. No matter how wonderful they tell you, you are. No matter what you do for them, it is turned around in an instant and then positioned as them being the victim.

    There is no responsibility nor consequences for their actions.

    Sorry ladies, it is just horrible and guys need a voice too sometimes.

    • faysie

      Oh hello, Brad. I mean “Steven”. Nice of you to have gone to so much effort to track me down. Now please run along.

      • Steven

        Um, Faye,

        I am not sure what you mean? Is this a little too close for comfort for you?
        Because all I am doing is using a forum to highlight that men are also put through the N cycle too. So I am miffed that you would come back with something like this when you have been so supportive of the women.

        Not sure who Brad is, but sounds like you have a bit of a complex.

        But thanks for the support anyway.

      • Julia

        At first read I thought u might be paranoid… So I read it again. I think ur right. Funny how he addressed the very things u mentioned to me? Would he actually find u on websites? How? Why? If it is him, what are his hopes? His point? If it’s not him then…oops.

        • Steven

          Hello Julia,

          Every story says pretty much the same thing about the behaviour of an N on this page. Everyone has agreed that they are all from the same mould. So I don’t understand how someone can then isolate a statement from a male and make it about them if it is all from the same cloth. It amazes me. Unless of course it is too close to the bone. Why else would someone think their self importance was bigger than the site.

          I just seems interesting that this person has attacked me for being specific about what I went through, but all of the ladies can say what they like. Maybe Julia, I could also call you lisa and assert you are her, because a large part of the content is exactly what I have been through.

          But I did not jump on here and assert you were someone else. It just astounds me that this could happen. It was nothing more than a place to have a voice and now it is some kind of witch hunt. Maybe I should have taken Dave’s position and been economical with the detail and then I wouldn’t have had replies like this. So Julia, if I called you someone else and effectively belittled your pain, how would you react?

        • faysie

          Oh it’s him alright Julia. He used my name, I know his language, I know his modus operandi.

          I believe he must have put keystroke software on my laptop to know that I was even on this site (only discovered it a few days ago). I know he’s done it before to others. There is so much more I could say, but instead I’ll simply let the restraining order do the talking.

          • Steven

            Paranoia abounds. Are you listening to yourself? This is exactly what my ex sounded like. Delusional in the extreme. The self importance is amazing. So only women have to deal with N’s. un believable.

  17. Steven

    Faye,
    Are you serious? It says….Faysie. Therefore Faye is not too much of a stretch it? Assumption perhaps?
    Wow, you do have a complex. Is it you who is indeed the narcissist? You are alleging I am someone else and make this all about you. So are your stories a reflection of you?

    I thought this forum was about support. But it maybe just because I am a male perhaps and we are not allowed to have a voice?

  18. faysie

    You’re going to get yours, Steven.

  19. Aunt Alex

    Hi, Steven. Of course there are female narcissists, and they can be just as destructive as their male counterparts. Do you have personal experience with a narcissist, of either gender?

    Are you here to harass anyone? If so, bugger off. If not, you’ll want to know that you’re being a bit of a jerk, and you need to back off and apologize, and then you’re welcome share in the support.

    Why don’t you drop me a line? alexandranouri@gmail.com.

    • Julia

      I’m glad u said that. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. Wondering if maybe this guy is real or isn’t. Which brought up the feelings of “Is it me?!” Which is a feeling I am trying to get over. There is something accusatory with Steven’s posts. Different than others who are white knuckling through this freakin heartbreak/ache. It’s just different. It has nothing to do with female N. We know, of course they exist. His post was so defensive and sounded like a eprimand or show disgust for this site for not talking more about female N? I’m so confused by it. It freaks me out.

      • Steven

        What is wrong with you lot?
        It is ok for you to put up your experiences but not a male?

        What do I need to back off for? I am now being told I am going to “get mine” from someone I dont even know! Julia, your experiences are different to mine and perhaps your writing style is different. But do you think you are reading too much into this?

        All I wanted to do was to have an outlet and say the things that happened to me. But then I get complete vitriol.

        Do you really think this is being supportive, or is it because i am male, and we are not allowed to have these experiences.

        • Aunt Alex

          It has nothing to do with your gender. Your prickly tone wouldn’t be welcome if you were a female, either. I’m very sorry you feel attacked, Steven. You’re welcome to talk about the things that have happened to you. Try to stick to that. The defensive, attacking, gender-focused stuff is turning out to be triggering and hurtful for people, which, as someone recovering from toadcraft yourself, you certainly don’t want to do. Again, email me if you want some support, guidance, or feedback about what’s going on here. alexandranouri@gmail.com

          • Steven

            Hi Alex,

            I have sent to you an email as discussed. How could I not have a prickly tone? I have been attacked!

            I put up my experience and then someone is telling me I am someone else and then I am going to get mine!. Does that make me prickly? perhaps. Why cant either you or Alex see that this person is accusing and now threatening me and I dont even know who they are.

            So yes, I am now slightly defensive. Maybe you should ask Faysie to behave and not be so aggressive, accusing and paranoid. She may have been burnt, but so have many other people, including me.

            I just wanted to post my experience. As I said, everyone else has said they are from the same mould. So when I put my story up i get this. So how else do I react?

          • Julia

            Ok, enough. Let’s not get dramatic. Ur acting like she made a terroristic threat. “You’ll get yours” is not even threatening. Perhaps we have different views but I find even ur dramatics upsetting. This is bringing up so much for me and I am asking u to please stop. Please. I’m sorry if u were accused. Sorry if it was a huge problem for u but ur posts to Faye and to me are the least of my worries. Wanna know why? Because my heart hurts. I walk around smiling and acting happy with my students and colleagues when I feel pressure behind my eyes bc they are acting as dams to keep my tears from pouring out. I walk around with a hurt in my heart and a pit in my stomach that physically hurts. I text my therapist between classes trying to understand this freakin lunacy of missing a son of a bitch narc! Missing a jerk who has 7 out of 8 signs and he is only 27 yrs old… He is just warming up. He is a poster boy for NPD. And what do I do? I love him??? I miss him and I ache to have the bastard back in my life? He fed me loving compliments, made me feel wonderful, special, no one else like me… All why banging broads and tellin 2 others he loves them too…etc etc etc….And this is normal? Normal for me to miss something like that? You, Steven, are asking me how I would feel if you called me Lisa? A narc? A threatening abuser? I’m sorry but I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass. I also wouldnt care if Faysie accused me of being Brad. I’d tell her Im not and hope she’d figure it out but I wouldn’t become bent out of shape & I certainly wouldn’t jump to the idea that its all bc ur a male. Really? I don’t know how something so minor as being called Brad & “insulted” on a forum by someone u don’t know is causing u to be so horrified. Me? Well I can’t feel anything but numbness! I feel a hole that is only beginning to heal bc of the help by everyone here; their stories are invaluable. I choose to hang on tight to them & learn. And if i dont like one of them, I skip it. This site has helped me tell my narc, who I’ve had no contact with for 7 months, who shockingly contacted me last night, that he is dead to me…. right before deleting my FB account that I foolishly reactivated. I held on to what I learned. I listened. I know that I could never beat this narc before… But I did now. I did. THAT is what I am doing here. I’m not here to hear this bullshit about males vs females, boo hoo I’m misunderstood. If that makes me an insensitive bitch then ok. If it makes me a self centered, self absorbed female N then fine. Call me anything u want. Go ahead & vent about ur narc, ur feelings or story. Just please, please stop talking about ur victimization from a poster . It makes me cringe bc I have dealt with the victim… Who was a Narc in disguise. We all have here. The last thing I wanna read is about ur feelings being hurt bc of a POST. It’s not empowering or helpful. If something like a post offends u, are u sure u ever met a narcissist? If u had, an anonymous accusation would be fart in the wind next to what a narc can do. So please, if u can’t contribute to helping real victims then chalk this site up to being sexist paranoid crazies and move on. If not, then drop it already. Please.

  20. Steven

    Julia,
    I am so sorry for your pain. I truly understand it. I love my N too, but there is no going back. Ever. The pain just has to be worked through. So as a point of therapy, I thought this forum would be useful.

    I would also like you to understand it from my perspective. I came on here simply to have an outlet like you. Putting it in writing is new to me, so I have found it even more confronting when someone has just attacked out of the blue.

    Instead, I have been set upon. I mean all N’s are the same, I just wanted to share my experience and someone has decided instead of being supportive to take to me with some kind of unwarranted and unsolicited attacks. And I am not too sure, but I would say that a lot of what I said isnt just about one person. You yourself have said about fb and everything else. But somehow this is about her??? How is that possible? How does that make sense?

    It was supposed to be a sanctuary where you could say what your thoughts were. Instead, someone with an axe to grind and a lot of anger decided to pick on me for no good reason.

    Furthermore, Alex has then said this is my fault and there has been no censuring of Faye. Can you see my point as to why I may be prickly?

    Again, Julia, I am sorry for your pain.

    • Aunt Alex

      Steven, enough. From your first post, you’ve been far more concerned with the gender of the people here and taking up the gauntlet, than you have been with toads, or support, or healing. Focus on your own story, offer support to others, hang out. But the jumping down people’s throats ends now. I mean it. If you have any more to say about this site or the people on it, keep it within emails to me.

      Any more bullshit gets deleted and blocked.

  21. faysie

    Thank you for your input Alex and Julia, I appreciate it.

  22. Anne

    Thank you for the articles, they have been my primary source of support these past few weeks. Briefly, I’m 50. I’m still very slim and gorgeous, a warm person, I was divorced only two years ago, met N on match.com. He was wild about me, he had been in two ten-year relationships w a child each, and I later found he was verbally abusive and spiteful. He begged me to move in to his home, a small, imaculate home. He was crazy about clean, he would find a crumb on the kitchen floor, hold it up and proclaim “someone got crumbs ALL OVER the floor.” I would pop the crumb in the waste basket and problem solved. He insisted I was a walking tornado, who needed to be supervised at all times lest I destroy everything in my path. he would tolerate no sign of my presence in the house, my belongings must be put in their place at all t imes, he would take my things and “put them away”. He allowed no food or cooking in the house, too much mess. He eats fast food every meal. He allows no guests in the house, ever. Only in the party garage, which is carpeted and also spotless. I wanted to personalise HIS house but no way. He flat out refused to change his home in any way.
    He began to withold sex and affection. I would get huggy kissy and he stood there and TOLERATED it, untill I got the message. If I asked for sex, he would get angry, so of course I pretended it was OK to go to sleep week after week with no sex. he had me trained to accept the insane idea that a sexless relationship is no big deal.

    Naturally, as a normal woman, I rebelled, and was repeated called vile names. If I took a nap I was “Lazy.”, ( he does not nap), My job had an hour lunch, so I only got paid for 37.5 hours a week instead of 40 hours. He would say nastily, that I dont even work 40 hours, how could I ever be tired?? what a jerk, I worked a very demanding job at a major law firm, a job that only a brainiac could obtain and keep. but he called me stupid, lazy, pimple face, fat (I’m 120), boring, no one likes me, insane, nuts, etc.

    So cruel, he punished me constantly. He kicked me out one Wednesday evening when he asked had I looked at apartments, he knew I was a big girl enough to get out. When I honestly said yes, I did stop on the way home from work to look at an apartment, he went to play darts at a friends and said “dont be here when I get back. ”

    So I left. that was a whole year ago. I tried to keep him because I liked his athletic body. but it didnt work, the verbal abuse was constant. He said I have nothing to offer him. I realize now that he stopped loving me and got over me while still demanding I meet his needs as his girlfriend, ”
    We were together for a couple of weeks around christmas. One day I phoned him saying “you have not said I love you to me lately.” He SHOUTED back at me: IM NOT GONNA SAY I LOVE YOU EVERY DAY!!!! In a whiny, loud tone, very hurtful. He has never, ever said I’m sorry for his words. Ever.

    Reading these article I have figured out a few things.:

    1. I hadnt admitted it was over, so I did. I stopped the constant mental reasoning.
    2. Hes not going to miss me much, has already gotten over me and thinks I can be replaced.
    3. Resist the urge to text or call be cause he broke up with me and wants it that way.
    4. He does not have the brain skills to be intimate, or care, or be sorry, or realized he was cruel. So going over the past is truly a waste.
    5.If I start to miss him, It is a false emotion, meaning the brain craves something during a time of hurt, but the craving is not for him, it is for some comfort.
    6. Most importantly, to take my own word for it: He will hurt you, even if I remeber the good times, take my own word for it, I was there, he will destroy you if you contact him.
    Any other advice for me?? I have been no contact for six weeks.
    At some point when I heal more, I will figure out what I need to learn from this.

  23. Alive

    I hate to admit that I miss him. I understand what he is (he has ALL the signs of a narcissist), but I still miss Pretend Guy. He convinced me that I could trust him, he gained my trust in many ways and told me he would love me and my daughters, and then dumped me. He said although I was perfect for him and I was the woman he’d like to be with, he couldn’t share me with my own children. It was heartbreaking.

    I can’t help but wonder whether it hurts him to have left me. That would somehow be comforting. I mean, until the last minute he said I was great, but he couldn’t accept not having me all to himself (his words). Do you suppose in his own twisted way it hurts him to know he won’t be with a woman he thought he wanted because he couldn’t accept my kids?

    • Shellz

      Hi, Alive,

      I wanted to respond to you, because I went through the same thing with my Ex being jealous of my relationship with my daughter. I dated him for about 6 months, before we committed to a relationship and moved in together. It was great. We had a mini family. My daughter, 12 at the time, lived with us full time, and his son was with us every other weekend and every Wednesday. We moved in to our little condo in May, right before summer vacation started for my daughter. Well… it was all fun and games during the summer. We lived on the beach, so we had alot of BBQs with friends (my friends – he had none of his own) and our kids. We never had any problems, except for when my daughters dad would call to talk to me. Mind you, all of our conversations were regarding our daughter. He did not want me talking to my Ex husband! Other issues came about, when I had to drive my daughter to her friends house, or take her shopping, or anything – If I did not include HIM. I explained that she’s a teenager, and she needs mommy daughter time. It’s important to me. I didn’t have that when I was younger. None of my explanation mattered. He would throw a fit, literally, like a damn 5 year old when all I was trying to do was be a good mom. Needless to say, it was ok for him to take his son to the beach or shopping or the park, and not include me. Actually, I was ok with that, especially because that mean I was free to take my daughter somewhere with out having to fight with him. How sad is that!?!!!

      Fast forward to September, when school started. Well, my daughter is a straight A, honor student. She has a lot of homework and is taking very hard classes. The first time she asked me to quiz her for a test she was preparing for, I saw Real Guy come out full speed! First of all, I told him, my daughter needs help studying, so I’m going to quiz her. I’ll be in her room for a bit. He made a sigh and said ok. Not even 15 minutes in to our studying, he’s in our bedroom, which is directly upstairs from my daughters, pacing and talking to himself!!! (we could here him) He was throwing a huge fit, saying stuff like, “Oh, Ok, leave me sitting here by myself, b%&ch!” and crazy stuff like that. I was beside myself! My daughter looked at me with a sad look and said, “go ahead, I can do this myself.” Of course I stayed to help her, as his crazy talk continued upstairs. UGH. I was mortified! Well, this went on the entire school year. We got into a huge fight one night because my daughter went to a school function and I went to pick her up. He was complaining that I always have to leave to pick her up and she should find her own ride! I explained that she’s a teenage girl and I feel more comfortable taking her and picking her up myself… That night, the neighbors called the cops, because he was yelling so loud and throwing things around and they were affraid he was hurting me or my daughter. I can tell you that more than half of our fights (which were alot) had to do with the things I did for my daughter.

      He told me that she was spoiled. I do too much for her. I spend too much money on her (she was 14 when he said that AND she had a part time job – He had no job)… REALLY??!!! He would complain that I let her stay out too late (Nope), I shouldn’t let her guy friends come over the house (why not, they are friends!?), she was disrespectful (She’s very respectful) and she took advantage of me (HE DID!) There’s so much more, but I’m sure you get the jist of it.

      So, from my experience, in addition to him not wanting to share you, because you are in fact HIS prize possession, he is jealous of the unconditional love and attention that you give to your children. As we learn, Narcs are the way they are because of a childhood trauma and mostly has to do with their mother. They were either smothered with love, or deprived of it. In my case, my Ex Narc’s dad abandoned him and his mother when he was a baby. She married an alcoholic, abusive, Narcissist, who not only physically and psychologically abused her, he also physically and psycologically abused my Ex Narc throughout his childhood. His mother was so traumatized and broken by her husband, she had nothing left to give her own child. His mother and stepfather went on to have 3 other boys, but the abuse continued to be stressed upon my Ex as he was the oldest, and step-son.

      It’s a sad story. He was emotionally abandoned by his own mother as a very young child. He was abused by his stepfather. He was a lost little boy, and because of this, he despises my daughter, because she is happy and loved. He always said he loved her and would take a bullet for her, but that, to me, is just his ego saying to me, “I am man… I will protect pricess.” Didn’t have anything to do with loving her and didn’t have anything to do with loving me.

      I hope that makes some sense. I kinda babbled, I know, I do that sometimes :)

      • Alive

        Hi, Shellz.
        Thanks for your response. It’s a very sad story, but it’s good to see you have so much clarity and I’m glad to hear your daughter was spared from an awful situation. While I was reading I kept thinking that this would’ve probably been my story too, had I moved in with my Narc. He would’ve probably started to compete with my kids for my affection or to resent them for being there. I never got as far as you did, because I wanted to be really sure he was a good guy before I introduced them to him. In hindsight, I suspect something told me I should wait, and now I’m glad I did. At first he sounded really interested in meeting them (“they’re your kids: I’m going to love them”), but gradually his attitude shifted, I sensed jealousy, until that final blow came. It was all or nothing, he said… so clearly, nothing could be done, and I must say at the time I was crushed. As a woman with children, I try to be careful about who I get involved with, and what makes me angry is that told him many times what my life was like, what my responsibilities were, and he always said it wasn’t a problem. He made grand plans about us moving in together, about how we would all do so may things together, and he gained my trust completely. I did sense a negative attitude towards other children, like annoyance, or perhaps worse. So maybe this was in the back of my mind all along.

        When he finally dumped me, he seemed really sad and broken. He said he wanted me all to himself (which sounded odd to me), he wanted to “give me everything” (?) but he couldn’t stand the idea of sharing me. It all sounded really sick. Now I hear he has gone back to an ex girlfriend he had totally devalued, but I can’t help wondering if it hurts him to have left me. Not that I want him back, don’t get me wrong, because I’ve seen him for what he is. But since he kept insisting that he would’ve wanted to stay with me but just couldn’t, I can’t help wondering whether he suffers at all.

  24. Shellz

    You’re trying to figure out what a narcissist thinks or feels. He’s not normal, he doesn’t think like normal people think and he does not feel emotions or loss like normal people do. Narcissists are empty soles, they have no empathy, they don’t care about anyone but THEM.

    I’m sure he misses the attention that you gave him, but he doesn’t miss you as a person. Narcissists are not capable of valuing, missing, wanting, or loving a person. To do any of that, it would involve bonding with them and narcissists are not wired that way. If he is a true narcissist, he doesn’t miss anyone, ever. He misses the attention you gave HIM, the sex you gave HIM, the appearances of being in a couple in front of others made HIM feel important. He feels sorry for HIMSELF that he’s not being taken care of, or coddled, or paid attention to. But only normal people miss other people. To a narcissist, attention is like a drug, and they don’t really care who’s pushing it, as long as the drug makes him feel good. The only time they think about us, their ex’s, is when their current victim is not cooperating and he is feeling narcissistic injury.

    I’m not sure if this is what you wanted to hear, but if he’s a narcissist, and you want the truth, then it’s the only truth there is. You sound like a lovely person. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who loves you, unconditionally, the entire package – you and your children. Good luck in everything you do. xoxoxo.

    • Alive

      Hi, Shellz, and thanks again.

      I suppose at some point one has to stop wondering what they feel and just accept them for who they are. And you’re right, these people are not normal and we can’t suppose they have normal feelings. It is amazing how much they can hurt other people, though! But understanding helps a lot in order to recover.

      What you say sounds reasonable: he may miss what I did for him and how I made him look (in retrospect, he always used to say that he was proud that people knew we were a couple, because people liked me! I took it as a compliment then but… it’s such a twisted way of thinking!). So I guess it’s OK with me if he suffers a little, even if it’s not because of normal reasons. :) Still, the truly healthy thing would be to not care. I guess I’ll get there at some point.

      A big hug to you and good luck too!

  25. Sara

    All this info is great I just realized my ex is a narcassist . He sucked me in again reading all this is him exactly, he broke up with me like always and just came back around about a month ago wants to date me again take baby steps ,the other night he was just nasty to me in front of his friend, I left few days later I text him to pick up his stuff he responds he’s on a date leave him alone. Next night he stops by to get his stuff i told him that this dating him again was a bad idea that i just dont have those feelings for him he doesnt do it for me i need spontaneous & unpredictiable and im just not attracted & cant force what i dont feel. he says “i get it”. starts telling me all about how great this new girl is how she’s nothing like anyone he’s ever met, same crap he said when I first met him about me. I told him great hope it works out for you , you deserve to be happy . I’m only trying to be civil cuz we have mutual friends that don’t need the drama he loves to cause. Then he starts about how he really not sure where it’s going to go with new girl or if it will work out at all. I said just think positive . Now I’m really nervous what’s going to happen this is the 1st time I broke up with him ever he was the 1 in control all the time & broke it off. After reading about this and others stories I just realized I’ve crushed his ego by telling him he doesn’t do it for me that he’s boring and typical & took control of the situation by breaking it off , is he gonna start blowing up my phone ,I’ m scared I just created a bigger monster . But I can not deal with these games anymore & want to be done

  26. Misty

    Hello, I have a story to share as well. I saw alot of this behavior in my dad. I saw the signs yet I ignored them. I dated a N man off and on for a year and half. I continue to miss his “pretend” self to this day. Its looking back on this journey is when I read about a N man. When I started reading I pulled out my journal and came to realize Every word I read I wrote in my journal. Eventhough I ended it with him on my birthday, yes I know crazy but I didnt care for my gift the sex etc I was done with all the bs I was enduring. He has contacted me I havent entertained it. I am educating myself and wish I could talk to my mom about my dad but she knows and she told me she isnt strong like me. Amazing how our brain is wired and how it effects us all.

  27. Sherry

    In many ways I was lucky. My N used me as the secondary “food source” while he simultaneously abused, stalked and sabotaged his exes life. I didn’t know that of course…she was “CRAZY.” She was the one sabotaging him! When I look back on it I see many things VERY clearly (although it was like a foggy dream at the time). The lack of empathy, the obsession with the one who stood up to him. I identify heartily with the “wanting his pretend self back” (the one who said I was “it” and we would get married after all the craziness died down, lol). Indeed “Mr. pretend” is the very thing thats hangs us up. The poison is in my veins too and I feel the same need to be ever vigilant against falling backward. I guess I should have realized if he didnt know my height or exact age after 5 years…if I wasnt allowed to share even 30% of his real life…or know where he was going…I had probably given too much. lol. I laugh at myself now but as I told my counselor…this feels a lot like, well, a mugging…or even rape when you consider the intimacy factor. He replied “thats exactly what it is.” Im lucky that I wasn’t important enough to stalk…dont have kids…got my money back–and yet, its the self-esteem demons in my head I can’t seem to eradicate! Remember ladies, and gentleman…this is life telling us we need to love ourselves more!! There is always a reason for challenges and this is our chance to shine and remember that we are beautiful and strong! My heart goes out to everyone. Good Luck and stay strong!

  28. Sherry

    In regards to avamariesophia’s question — “Do their friends realize they are Narcissists/Not right” It has been explained to me that narcissists carefully build up a “fan club” of constant supply around them. People who, for the most part, believe what they’re being told (makes you wonder whats in THEIR background) — but families and loved ones know the truth because they witness the swings on a daily basis …especially children who often receive the same treatment we have and become either the virtual parent or the spouse of the abuser.

  29. Bob

    When the marriage counselor told me that the wonderful woman I married and the woman she turned out to be are the same woman, I thought that maybe the woman I married was inside her somewhere and it was up to me to find her. I could change and make all her complaints go away. It was the foolish heart of someone who loves someone who never really existed, a phantom. It took another year of heart ache trying to recreate the early days to find out that the woman in front me is the real woman and the “pretend” woman will never be seen again. Good luck to all….we are survivors.

  30. Sherry

    N Dipping can be great for your clarity. If–after spending weeks of crying and mourning the loss of your pretend loved one, wondering what you can do to help them heal, love them more–they reach out to you ONLY to accuse you of being duplicitous, distant, cold, indifferent and hateful (all massive “N” projections by the way) it can really help the fog clear. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself here. Only a loving, caring nurturer would be so worthy.

  31. Sherry

    What happens after you go “NO CONTACT” for real? It feels like this………..WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YES!! La la La la la la. Wacka wacka, skippity do0 da–skippity aye, my oh my what a wonderful day! Followed by “aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, beautiful serene peace at last” (as alex nourri puts it “theres a damn on that there BS cascade” and its permanent!) At first its hard physically as you withdraw from the chemical addiction (not too easy) but WORTH IT. The longer you’re out the better it feels. NO LONGER will you be forced to search exotic vacation destinations for clothes that make him “look good,” NO LONGER will you be used as a tool against former lovers and spouses, NO LONGER will you be judged by his devout followers who have been unknowingly used to devalue you, and NO LONGER will you be afraid to pick up the phone wondering what brand of evil unholy hell awaits you on the other end. Suddenly, you’re free off all “N” obligations. FREE to spend your money on YOU, FREE to see the beauty and sincerity of humble folk. FREE to be told you’re beautiful and sexy and special by people who want nothing from you. Youll trust again, youll date again, youll love again and it feels even BETTER than it did before the Narc because you appreciate it SO much more. DONT WAIT! Please dont wait! The switch is NO CONTACT and all you have to do is turn out the light. Like walking into the sunshine again–youll be SO glad you did!

    • I’m on 10weeks of no contact still going
      Through withdrawals . Nightmares never ending
      Thoughts of him with the new woman . Makes me
      Feel. Like I’m going crazy ,suicidal thoughts unimaginable
      Grief . 23years of marriage I was thrown away like rubbish.
      Physically and emotionally abused all my married life . Helped
      Him get 2 degrees while I worked 2 jobs then I was not as smart
      As him told I was worthless and stupid . I was pushed shoved and
      My hair pulled cloths thrown at me to get out . Constantly told I
      Was unloved and to leave . I was brainwashed from a very young
      Age 16. I know what he is I know what has happened to me , yet
      Still I love him still I want him to choose me what the hell is wrong
      With me ?????????

      • Shellz

        Hi. I’m on a 15 min break at work. These posts come to my email and I don’t normally comment…. But, today is my 1 full year anniversary NO CONTACT – AT ALL with the Narc. So… I feel like I need to step in real quick to pay forward the support and strength that I received from so many women and men who’ve, just like us, gone through it.
        I don’t have much time to write everything I want to say, but I just have to tell you It Does Get Better! I was a lost 42 year old child, that last time I kicked him out and he actually didn’t come back. I’m sure you know the reason. He found my replacement. Well, thank God he did because I had already lost everything! I had no more to give – so he was done with me. But that’s ok cause I am more happy now than ever! I have gained back my self esteem. My daughter doesn’t hate me anymore and I’m doing all the things I missed out on while I was so wrapped up in catering to him!

        Yes, at one point I thought I was going to die! But each day that passed, I became a little stronger. I leaned on my friends and worked on improving my relationship with my kid. I ignored every one of his calls and eventually he stopped calling. It’s now a year later and I’m here to tell you… You are going to be fine. You are going to be happy. You will love yourself again. But you gotta get rid of that dead weight you’ve been carrying – THE NARC!

        Well I gotta get back to work. Hops that helped a little.

        PS. I got a text from my replacement. He’s cheated on her, beat her up, lost all rights to his son from his first marriage, he has two counts of spousal battery, he lost his job, he’s doing heroine… Goes on and on.
        He never hit me, but he was verbally abusive. He didn’t use drugs when he was with me. We had his son on weekends.

        So… From my experience… They don’t get better. They get worse! You ain’t missing out on nothin but a headache! Every time you take him back the abuse will get worse. Love yourself to finally say “I’m too good for that POS”. And mean it!

        • Thank you so much Shellz
          I read your story and I’m so glad your free of the pain and your life’s getting better and better . I’m now coming up to 5 months there had been some contact in the form of 3 text messages from myself . That was only after I was provoked beyond belief . He cut my sons child support payments off (we had a private agreement ). I still had no contact when I went through the child support agency he was furious . I had abusive messages, letters sent to my parents making out I was crazy letters to me saying he had broken up with the new woman all so I would not go ahead with the agency . I ignored everything and went ahead now I understand why he was so angry . He’d lead me to believe I was only to get $600 per month and it actually was $1700. I had no idea . I then received messages saying he still had the woman . That then spiralled me out of control . Back to being in bed all day facebook stalking endless thoughts and thinking of ending my life yet again all because of the pain . Not to mention then the character assignation he did to me . Told all my friends lies . I know I was baited and it worked amazingly well I kept thinking is he with her or is he not I don’t understand why he’d say that . Of course I do know it was to do exactly what happened to me all I cared about was with he with her or not and I needed proof in my head and heart (when it didn’t matter). So now I’m back to not looking not anything . I have felt the need to tell some people what he has done as he had told them lies . Lies about our boys I just couldn’t stand the things he was saying . I felt I needed to defend them . He is a very calculated person I’m no match for someone like him . I am proud of myself I didn’t back down or speak to him about the child support a small victory . Although I still haven’t seen money . Some days I truly struggle and I think the pain of this will never end and am I really going crazy now . Other days I think I’ll never let you win I need to be a surviver . The lies of all those years unfold weekly and that hurts . Again thank you you’ve given me so much hope and inspiration .

  32. Alice

    I spent 40 years!
    What a fool to be sucked in all that time.

  33. Kim

    :’(
    I want my husband back. I’m hurt and angry. I just want to forget all this. PLEASE God make it all stop.

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