You- You’re Lea- You’re Leaving The Narcissist?!

So.

I hear you’re beginning to consider thinking about mulling over the possibility of your perhaps pulling away from that narcissist of yours.

WHY??!! Why unleash his toxic spewage on the rest of us; why grasp at the vision of a happy and fulfilling life for yourself while making the rest of us targets for his fake, psychopathic pursuits?

AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU??!!

All right. If you’re going to continue with this infuriatingly healthy, sane line of thinking, there are some things you should know.

**Narcissists HATE to lose. When you say, “It’s over,” you, a sane person, mean, “It’s over.” To the psycho you’re talking to, however, you are throwing down the gauntlet and saying, “Take THAT, Buttface.” If you say it’s over, he’ll instantly click into “I don’t think so” mode. Which brings us to:

**He WILL pursue victory. He won’t pursue YOU. It will LOOK like he’s pursuing you, but I assure you most vigorously, he’s not. He’s wanting to put things right back to the way they’re SUPPOSED to be, with him screwing with your mind and your taking it, with you’re dousing him with adoration and admiration no matter how he treats you, and if you take him back he WILL incorporate in there some punishment for your “abandoning” him. He wants you back, all right, but on his terms, with exactly the same degree of selfishness and psychopathy as before. Nothing has changed. If you respond to him and give him another chance, you’ll regret it.

**He will want to check up on you. Because he loves you? Oh, my, you haven’t been listening, have you. No, because he wants to make sure you’re suffering without him.

Memorize this: Knowing you’re miserable without him is as satisfying to him as having you with him.

If he can’t keep you feeding him attention in the relationship, he wants to know that you’re thinking of him and having a hard time without him afterward. He’ll eventually offer to alleviate your suffering by accepting any and all apologies and taking you back, and then once you’re together again he’ll abuse you until you get sick of it and end it again. If he can keep you swaying nauseatingly between the two situations indefinitely, he will be having a very happy time of it indeed.

**Your only hope for success is a cold turkey break-up. No, you can’t “still be friends.” No, the occasional e-mail is not harmless. Narcissists who have been dumped will NOT be normal ex-mates any more than they were normal mates. Respond to him and he will, without fail, hurt you and devalue you again. Every little contact, every “chance encounter,” will set you back in recovering from what’s been a psychologically traumatic experience for you. You can’t heal from a trauma you’re still experiencing. If you’re going to recover from this, you MUST stay away from him. Marvel from a distance at his efforts to hurt and abuse you even though you’re not even together anymore.

There are a couple of different strains of narcissistic ex-mates.

The Herpes Narcissist ~ He never goes away completely and flares up when you need it the least. He will come back and act like absolutely nothing has happened and the two of you were just having a tiny tiff, for which he’s prepared to forgive you. He’ll act this way even though you’ve been ignoring him for four months and have a restraining order out on him. This looks like love and devotion on his part, but it’s not. If you warm to him in a weak moment he’ll do a brilliant job of reminding you why you left him in the first place, and you’ll have suffered a major setback.

The Lyme Disease Narcissist ~ He goes away, but not until you’ve employed radical defense routines for months and then you’re left with bothersome lasting reminders of the experience. If you were married and have kids together, he’ll make your divorce proceedings a living hell just like he did your marriage. He’ll act like he can’t wait to get rid of you, and then stall and impede the divorce as much as humanly possible just to make sure you know who’s in control. And that’s BEFORE the real nightmare begins, with the custody arrangements. You need to stay as strong as a pillar of rock to get through it, and then you still have to deal with him until the kids are grown.

The Itchy Rash Narcissist ~ The best of the four, really. The only way to get over an itchy rash is to ignore it no matter how excruciatingly annoying it is, no matter how much you know giving it attention with bring relief, and then after ages of depriving it of attention it really does go away.

A very few extremely lucky targets (as target luck goes) are dealing with a Train Wreck Narcissist. These jewels will, often without warning or provocation, leave suddenly and completely with as much cruelty and abuse as possible and are never heard from again. Often they will sniff a hint of intent on your part to end or at least abate the abuse you’re enduring, and in a knee-jerk response they’ll do what they perceive to be abandoning you before you abandon them, and they’ll do it coldly, harshly and totally. Though their targets are devastated and profoundly hurt, they are left alone to commence their recovery without threat of interference from the abuser. They don’t feel even remotely lucky, and I have utter compassion for that, but in the context of recovering targets, they’re sitting prettier than they’ll ever know: It’s a whole lot easier to recover from a trauma that you’re not still experiencing, over and over again.

The best way to get rid of a narcissistic tumor on your life is to “stay down” in his eyes when he’s in his stupid devalue-you stage. It’s like a head start on a new life without his crap. He’ll probably ignore you and treat you like dirt, and then, later, want to see you again. Here’s where you ignore him. Treat him as you would the unfortunate young man two doors down who has a man’s body but the wits of a four-year-old, and who knows how to dial your number and send e-mails but who has absolutely nothing to say. Just likes doing it. Get caller ID and don’t answer his calls. Delete messages without reading them. If he shows up, keep the conversation on the doorstep– don’t let him in. Just answer with bland monosyllabic responses, no questions. They HATE to be thought of as boring; if that’s the vibe he gets from you, he’ll fade away comparatively quickly.

Trust me. This is what you want.

All narcissists are selfish, mentally disturbed abusers. They’re not cute, they’re not cuddly, they don’t have “hidden potential.” They don’t “get better.” They’re self-absorbed actors pretending whatever they have to in order to get attention. Period. Hear the fat lady singing?

After an experience with a narcissist, you’ll need to recover. You’ve been badly used and abused, and you need to face that in order to go on and have a healthy, whole life. You need to mourn and you need to get mad about how that assclown had the nads to hurt you like that, before you can heal. Remember: Every word, glimpse or gesture from or about him is a trigger, a set-back, and the fewer of these you allow into your life, the faster and cleaner your recovery will be.

75 Comments

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75 Responses to You- You’re Lea- You’re Leaving The Narcissist?!

  1. Recovering

    This is a great post! Thank you!

    My Narcissist is somewhere between the “Herpes N” and the “Itchy Rash N” and while I completely feel the pain of those who were completely abandoned without any explanations, I have to admit that sometimes I wish my narcissist would’ve done that too. The only thing that came of his begging and pleading was prolonging the pain and recovering. You are absolutely right – you can’t heal from the trauma while you are still experiencing it.

    After keeping the door a cracked open to him because of his persistent begging and excessive promises (he realllyyy put on the full show for me), I found out slowly that there were 6 other women he was involved with only in the last 4.5 months. They don’t change. Their words are empty – and so are their promises. They are pathological liars and can lie with a straight face without a blink of an eye. It’s nuts.

    Thanks again for this, and all of your posts.

  2. liz

    I am completely dependant on my fiance and he exhibits NPD. I am not allowed to work or have friends that are not associated with our business. He adores me one minute, then mistreats me and acts as if I am robbing HIM of his freedom. My heart hurts me a great deal thinking that I have to leave him (the man that I have loved for almost two years) and that I dont want to be married to him. I dont want a lifetime of these feelings. Your site and others are ver informative, but I dont know how to take the first step in the right direction. This has been a yo-yo relationship, I have left several times only to go to counseling together and having it all fall apart again. I leave, get hopeful, do the work, and back to where we started again. I wish there was a way to condition myself not to be ttached to this man, not to love or believe him anymore, not to hope or try. He will mistreat me and then kindly ask me for a favor moments later. “Do I look good for work?” “Can you get me a drink?” etc. I live in his world, I am completely lost. I dont even know what my hobbies or my favorite things are because we always do what he wants to do. My voice falls on deaf ears, when I express my feelings or demand respect for boundaries I am scolded with a consequence of not joining him at something. I am called crazy and ridiculed. I wish I knew what it is that allows me to stay in this situation. I wish I knew why I cant stop punishing myself by staying here. I dont have a plan of anykind, I wouldnt know how, what, or where to go. My heart is attached to my environment and him. I am completely lost.

    • lia

      Yikes! Find your courage! You can do it. Don’t be a doormat.

    • Hello Liz,

      It has obviously been some years since you’ve posted your comment but I only hope you have found and sourced ways to get through this terrible situation with your (hopefully ex-husband). He has contributed to you losing your own ID and I can only hope that you’ve sourced ways to regain your own identity. I have been in a relationship over 18 months and was constantly devalued and told how disgusting I was by his friends and family… Ok I may have tweaked he was a sex addict and managed to hack into his facebook account to find out that he projected a single profile the whole time we were together. Flirty conversations with women to the extent he mentioned “how would you feel if we shared a kingsize bed together”. Even when I bought this to his attention I was undermined as being a hacker (I call it an awakening!) and that all his comments were banter with fun and throw away words… Rubbish! They are pathetic liers and cannot be trusted… It’s horrible to realise that one is being used for the others addiction whether it being sex or controlling I don’t care. I am grateful to have met such a character as it has taught me about myself and I’ve realised that I have codependency and this is not a good cocktail for people who suffer with NPD… You need to look at your family of origin and learn to develop boundaries. I can appreciate that you may want to keep your marriage but you cannot allow someone to control who you are and what you should be… May I suggest you read Melody Beattie “Beyond Codependency”. This will open your eyes for intimacy, control of your life and family of origin. I have found this book to be strengthening for people like me who do not know who they are and how to set healthy boundaries. I wish you all the luck and sending you love and happiness because it’s out there but you need to mirror who you want in, without filter you get rubbish…

    • Suzanne

      Liz, all the research shows that there is very little chance of N recognising that they have a problem and even if they do, they have very little, if any motivation for healing themselves. the problem with relating to N and why they are so difficult to get free from is that we are addicted to the peptides that are produced in our bodies in response to them. In the beginning they were wonderful and we got hooked; that is until we discovered that we were suffering and Mr Wonderful only makes an appearance every now and then but is horrible the rest of the time. The only ways that a N relationship finishes is if the person relating to the N decides he/she has had enough, the N discards the victim and vanishes, the victim becomes sick with a life-threatening illness or the victim commits suicide. There are no positive outcomes if you continue in a relationship with a N. You will be dismantled piece by piece until there is nothing left of you. You are attached because of your addiction to the peptides; it is NOT love at all. He cannot love you; he is empty and very, very needy and always seeking N supply from whoever will give it. All the stories of people involved with N are almost identical. There is hope for you to heal but it needs to come from energy work. This can be kinesiology or Quanta Freedom Healing. It will not come from tying to talk yourself through. The only way to start healing is to go No Contact. That is the only way to go and everyone who has been able to do this has been able to heal and move on to healthier relationships. No Contact means exactly that. NO EMAILS, NO TEXTS, NO PHONE CONTACT, NO FACE TO FACE MEETINGS; Zilch! Do not let them in your front door and do not talk about them to others. Whenever you think about the N or talk about him, you are energetically giving him supply. This is about taking back your power and looking to yourself as your own source. Whilst you remain attached to this man financially, you are creating a situation where you are totally disempowered. I know that you might think you have no other options, but thousands of us have done it and so can you. If you stay with this man, your situation will only continue to worsen until you are a shadow of the woman you once were. Please look into peptide addiction and access some energy work. It will be challenging but it will give you back your life as you start to heal. All the best.

    • NoBS

      Hey Liz,
      What made it easy for me to leave my Narc was when I read about their sexual abuse tendencies. Understanding they have no empathy for other people I couldn’t stay with such a man because I plan on having a family someday. I wouldn’t let my unborn children even sniff this guy! It sounds crazy but the thought of someone being heartless enough to abuse a child was a major turnoff for me. After learning about Narcissism I found out about Codependency. See why you’re attracted to yóur monster and find ways to love yourself enough to want better. You deserve it!!! The more you keep him away is the more confident you’ll feel about taking a stand for yourself.

  3. fiona

    I’m one of the “lucky” ones, mine is the train wreck N. He sniffed my intent to leave him after 3 yrs together and broke my fingers (one needed to be stitched back on) and punched me in the face. I returned from the hospital and the police station to find I was also homeless (the house is his). I am sleeping on the floor of my elderly parents sitting room in a different city, a broken woman. This site is keeping me from thoughts of suicide. I totally cannot believe this has happened. I feel like a train wreck myself. Thank you Alex for being here for me. Now I have to heal, find employment (he kept me isolated and dependent) find a place to live and begin again. I hate him yet miss him and my beautiful dog Biffy (he paid for dog so will keep him). SUCH CRUELTY… I feel like a POW. When things were “good” he was soo charming and attentive yet, for the million times a day he would tell me he loved me it never really rang true. I caught him lying and cheating and using porn which broke my heart 18 months ago. Since then I tried to fix the relationship but he made no effort to mend things with me. I don’t know whether it would be best to drop the charges against him with the police or not for my safety as he could get even nastier if he gets a criminal record for the abuse. Interestingly the father of my grown up daughter (m 46yrs old) whom I left 18 yrs ago because he was also physically abusing me is loving that this has happened as is the ex husband I left 6yrs ago after 10yrs of being married alive to a cold heated emotional abuser. The husband has been calling me with pretend concern and is gleefully rubbing salt into my wounds. It seems I am an N magnet. I despair at ever finding a loving partner after all these failures with egotistical self absorbed cretins. And the best thing is this….to the outside world it looks like I am the problem, I am the disordered one, I am the failure. Oh how they must all be laughing their socks off! On top of this my dad thinks I’m the problem too (he has a violent temper too and abused my mother, brother and myself when we were kids) and when I cried at this crushing statement and said “well, shall I bugger off and kill myself and make you all happy” he said “yes and I’ll buy you the f***ing pills. Charming eh? Maybe its him that led me into the arms of these three fools in the first place. I am determined to not let the b**tards grind me down but the fact is THEY ARE and this site is giving me knowledge and strength. This is the first time I have ever posted ANYTHING like this…thanks Alex for this outlet and the relief it’s giving me.

    • Claire

      I am so sorry to hear that :( DON’T let the b******* gring you down! Find yourself! Block all those exes out of your life- dont believe their lies!

    • Suzanne

      Fiona, you will continue to be a N magnet until you heal the inner patterns that enabled this situation to occur in the first place. It is your unconscious belief systems that keep attracting the N to you to get your attention. It seems the you are being hit over the head with a brick. you will never have a healthy relationship with a life partner until you have a healthy relationship with your inner self. It requires uncovering all the unhealed wounds inside you that got you hooked to the N in the first place. When we are healed we attract that which is an energetic match for us and eventually you will not be attracted to N or they to you. The thing that keeps us hooked is the peptide addiction. Until you deal with that and work to release yourself from your victim stance, you will remain in the same internal place. The only thing that will be different is the face and name of the N you attract. The same behaviour will ensue. Many of us have done the hard inner work of looking at what we have inside us that caused the attraction to N and most of it goes back to beliefs that were formed way back when you were little. If you want to heal and be free there is a lot of support out there for you in this community and on others. I notice that your focus is on what he is doing. The focus needs to come back to you and what you are feeling. That is where the work starts.

  4. fiona

    Just like to add that my N has sent three texts 2day giving it all the love bombing and remorse crap and asking me to return to him….. your site predicted this would happen. Interestingly he said “don’t let anyone else control you or tell you what to do my darling Fiona, you must follow your heart”, heheheh! What he really means is don’t let anyone but HIM control me. My dad has been great to me today and is gonna bail me out of all the financial probs and get me accomodation so thats a start for me. My dad does love me after a fashion but I think that he is also narcissistic. He was a nightmare when I was a child. He read my N’s texts and realised that I am being victimised. Still, thanks to the knowledge this site has now armed me with I am confident I shall never let another N into my life. Warm hugs to all out there xx

  5. Annie

    This is RIGHT on! Excellent advice! And right the f on—they do NOT have “potential”. Do stop the ‘if only I had done this or that, etc.’. Life is soooooooooo much better on the other side WITHOUT them.

    So glad I’m done. Was like a prison. Soooo unhappy and uncomfortable. It was terrible, and the second worst all-time life experience. I almost lost myself.

  6. Rae

    If I was “interesting once in a while” my N wouldn’t have a need to sext with other women. If only I’d known it was that simple!! :: rolling eyes ::

  7. cynthia

    I have left 2 years and the pain and misery is lingering all around me. He has ruined my reputation and manipulates our two son’s. I am currently seeking custody for our two children and I am scared of all the tactic’s he has used against my family and I . I am sick and tired of him !

  8. Eve

    I was involved with an N with a drug addiction and a severe case of ADD. Its been 2 years NC but I’m just realizing what happened. I think I’m in shock and I ned help.

  9. mybrokenheart

    Mine is an absolute liar. So much so that there is an actual police record of it! Thank all of u for sharing. It means so much. I have been trying to do this alone and simly can’t. Oh and whats worse is i think his mother may be worse than him. I fight them both bullies! They r unrelentless. So done. So tired.

  10. Pingback: Thinking About Leaving Your N? « My Ex Narc

  11. Ann

    Liz, your fiance sounds like my husband. I hung in there for over 30 years. Hoping I could make it alright. It doesn’t get better. It gets worse. Now feel like my husband hates me for sqirming to make him happy. I became the enemy, while I tried to cater to his demands. He told me when he left, I have a higher regard of you now that you kicked me out. Sick.
    Our children lost respect for me for putting up with so much BS. My family has abandoned me. I have one real friend left in this world.
    Thank god I always earned my own money, otherwise my whole life would be in shambles. I can start over and I will, but I wasted so many years on a POS!
    Liz, keep reading. I didn’t start reading until he was out of the house. If only I known all this earlier……..

  12. vedra

    Fantastic info. Just dodged a bullet by extracting myself from a narcissist, and what ssems to be a mean, textbook variety. Much appreciated and keep it up!

  13. Lorraine

    I find these postings fascinating and know that I am not alone and not to blame! I feel in control having read so much about Narcisists and feel sorry for those people who never had access to the internet. My ex Narc used to suck my soul dry, devalue and discard me only to return when I had started to rebuild my life. As for the promises each time he returned after his new source was becoming boring, ” Im sorry, ” Ive always wanted to be with you !! now let me think, it didnt feel that way when I was sobbing on the floor 10 years ago and he was telling me to get up and stop ruining his shoes with my tears!!!
    Anyway it has been 19 years of pure hell and Im approaching my 50th, what a great future I have ahead of me now as I am free having only found out about Narcisists by pure chance. As for the lies, I often reflect on the severity of them and only people like yourselves know what I mean!!! they are so far fetched.Good luck to all you other Narc victims, we are the winners and remember the no contact rule, they hate it but will never admit to it.

  14. new pilates

    I’ve had nc with my n ex for 3 days now.This is the second time in 2 months, It lasted 10 days the first nc, which broke him down when he did’nt get a fathers day greeting. I had to remind him he is not my father! Im done. He has been found out in his lies. He’s in his angry blaming dance right now, saying I’ve ruined the relationship with my insecurities and mistrust. I let him sink his own ship. I let him have the last 3 text,and phone calls, and did’nt responed. I will not have any contact with him anymore. He will not be allowed in my space. Today I felt his presence leave my home and I know he will not enter in again. This is vital for my sanity, salvation and existance. He knows it’s over, he has already convinced himself it’s my fault. He is highly educated and loves himself. He admitted to me on the last raging blow-up, he has a PD. He felt like there was no help for himself. Bizzare. But for me and my house I have hope and I am seeking it as I speak, thanks be to God and the assurance of Life.
    Thank you so much for this website, I’ve learned so much and now realize the importance of resource and decerrnment.

  15. Tammy

    I found myself involved with an N, I only figured this near the end of our ‘relationship’ if that’s what it was. He was loving, charming and attentive at first. Then the real person slowly emerged. Throwing things, having drunken temper tantrums, insulting me, calling me names and telling me I was a grump who needed to take her happy pill. I am four and a half months no contact on my part but my family doesn’t seem to get it, he was their friend and now manipulates them into small contacts with me and they seem to enjoy it. Getting rid of him proved extremely difficult and I am still not sure he’s gone yet. I would say he’s the herpes type with a little leech type added!!! lol This article is so true and fits with what I went through. I believe I am co-dependent and that is why I attracted this person. I have learned I must put up healthy boundaries for all people and believe in my own value in order to live healthy and possibly find a healthy relationship.

  16. Nikki

    I have a similar experience with a N who was my stalker! Six years of pure hell!!! Was the Herpes type and I didn’t know he had a personality disorder until lately. I always put his bizzare behaviour down to depression. The more patient and kind I was to him the more disrespect and devaluing I got from him. These people are weird and don’t think and behave in the conventional and moral way. I really thought he was in love with me and was depressed because he couldn’t have me. I am married with children. I tried to reason with him but to no avail. He continuously threatened suicide and after every ‘disappearance’ he would come back begging me to only ‘stay in touch’ with him because he ‘can’t live without me’ and that he was about to ‘do it’. A few days/weeks later, he would disappear again. After a few times of that, I started reading about his behaviour and discovered he was screwed up so when one day in a desperate attempt to make me meet him, he got really angry and reversed in his car on to my son. I straight away called the police and reported him. He came to my work a few times after that and the last time was over six weeks ago when he said and promised he would never contact me again and that I was never worth killing himself for. I’ve seen him near my work twice since that last meeting and have had a few anonymous phone calls but I am determined this time not to give in. I am 100% sure he is not suicidal and all that threatening was a lie like everything else. I have never wanted him in my life, he pushed himself in with the intention to cause damage. I am lucky I have a wonderful and supportive husband and if it wasn’t for his complete trust in me, that man would’ve ruined my marriage. He lied about everything, from being lonely to wanting to end his life and I believed him and that’s why I’m REALLY ANGRY. And this anger hurts a lot and I can’t get rid of it. I keep hoping that one day I wake up and I can’t remember him at all.

  17. Molly

    I was definitely with a train wreck narcissist!

    Love the descriptions of the 4 types… I don’t feel lucky at all, I do feel abandoned- but I do realise that having NC at all is the best way to heal!

  18. seriously concerned

    I have 2 young children with my narcissist. I’m terrified he will steal them away from me. Everything was going really well until he jumped on a health issue I have (and am receiving treatment for) and I “clearly cannot care for the children”. He’s doing everything he can to drive my anxiety up to panic and I’m not sure if I should initiate legal action, or if he is just doing this to try and break my spirit. I feel completely at a loss and wish he would just go away. Unfortunately my children love him and he enjoys the acclaim he receives for every little thing he does for them. I do believe he loves them as much as he can love a person other than himself. I’m just terrified. Anything any of you can recommend?

    • Rach

      OMG – i am so going through this myself. I have left my narcassist partner of 4 years, we have a 2.5 yr old son. He is always trying to get our boy to come for weekend, just so that i come over too! For the past year i gave him the benefit of the doubt and would stay for the weekend, sometime it would go well and then out of the blue it goes really bad. All the abuse, devaluation etc for nothing. So i have finally stopped that, threatened him with court action if he doesnt buggar off. He sorta backs down then, but continues to text and ring all nite, that i put my cell in silent! I know i will have a fight on my hands, but, am now ready for it – in my head i mean, i have sorted it mentally and feel confident i can take anuything that he throws at me. My advice – get legal actionb! I am – cos i know that if i dont he will continue to try and control me thru or son.

  19. Dee

    I found out mine was cheating on me in August. He’s been terrible to me for about a year. Screams at me, insults me, literally laughts at my problems, critizes my parenting even though my children are grown and in college. In the beginning he was super attentive, always flattering, lots of flowers, cards, songs and poetry. Over the top, really. We’ve been together over 3 years. I had no clue and trusted him completely. I went to work one day and got and e-mail saying he was leaving the country! He went to Germany to vacation with and ex girl friend. I found out all of our co-workers and all of his family had known for months that he was going on this trip. Still, I missed him terribly and was sickened by being left and lied to. I was totally in shock. The oxygen left my world. I felt everything was fake. Foolishly we reunited when he got back (my idea, Big Mistake!). I just found out he told his Germany fling that he feels like he got rewarded for leaving me to be with another lady! I’m devastated. He tells me he loves me. He told her he broke up with me and is spending time getting used to being alone. I still live with him! I also found out he is skype-sexing with her at night while I’m sleeping in the next room. He e-mails her daily. Facebook, too. He’s out of town this weekend. I’m packing my things and leaving him. I’m embarrassed that I’ve put up with his complete lack of respect and selfishness for this long. He’s a sad, shallow, pathetic looser and i’m reclaiming my life.

  20. CRAZY

    I TOO LIVE WITH A “N”…INTERESTING THING IS I’VE GIVEN HIM ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT ONE CAN GIVE TO ANOTHER. HE HAS TAKEN IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. CLAIMS NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE MESS OF HIS LIFE….MOVES FROM ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER…FINDS NEEDY WOMEN WHO ADORE HIM AND THEN STARTS THE CYCLE ALL OVER AGAIN. I FIND MYSELF, A ONCE WELL ESTABLISHED WOMEN, REDUCED TO PREY AT THE MASTERMIND OF THIS “N”…INTERESTINGLY THEY HAVE NO COURAGE, LACK CONFIDENCE AND HATE THEMSELVES…THEY ARE MEAN, CRUEL AND DISCARD YOU WHEN THEY ARE DONE….HOW SAD FOR THOSE OF US WHO BELIEVE ALL PEOPLE HAVE KINDNESS INSIDE….THEY ARE THE PRODUCT OF SOME EMOTIONAL ABUSE….WE MUST HAVE COMPASSION FOR THEM……I’VE SEEN WOMEN USE SEX TO TRAP HIM, THINKING HE LOVES THEM. HOW SAID THAT THESE WOMEN THINK THIS IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP AND THAT HE IS SINCERE…HE IS USING THEM FOR HIS SELF…..HE PLAYS THE GAME LIKE THE MASTER…HE EVEN BELIEVES IT HIMSELF.

  21. lesley

    So my ex N moved out in August. I was an empty shell then broken and depressed and he knew I wanted him to go. I was with him for a year and a half and met him after my divorce. I have three small children which he used their affections to mainpulate me. He took and spent over $15,000 and has left us with this debt. He has now hoovered me twice. The last time just a few days ago. I went no contact for 23 days after falling again. He had told me to leave his house the night before I had to drive 12 hours to pick up my kids. He had said that his new girl was coming over and needed me to go. I had to cry to get him to stop and I will never forget the look of pleasure on his face as he watched me sob. He then cuddled me all night while I laid awake knowing I couldn’t take anymore. While away he sent me naked pics of a young new victim and I blocked him and went no contact. Over the next month he sent random I love you and miss you emails. One night in my weakness I wrote back and he was quick to suck.me in with apologies and promises of love. We were intimate. Then he revealed he had two new victims and needed to see that through. I was again devestated. I tried to confront him but as per usual he turned the blame and told me I was too crazy for him. He is right I feel crazy. In the past he has gone on alcohol benders, took money from.me to buy drugs, tried to allow his drug dealer to rape me for drugs, cheated, hit me, and emotionally abused me. I cannot seem to beat my addiction to him and I know anymore contact will destroy me. It is hard to comprehend that someone I adored and tried to help is so evil. I have read everything I can and know what he is but he twists my mind to believe his lies. I do not want this life for me or my children. They do not know i ha ver seen him again and are happy he is gone. I feel like I have failed them by breaking no contact and not being strong enough to let go and move on. I know that the two new ones are victims and its hard to know how it will end for them. I am taking him to small claims court for the money as we had a payment agreement in place before he decided I had emotionally abused him and deserved to pay his debt. I wish I knew how to stay strong and not fall into his game. I am sorry for anyone who has gone through this. This is by far the most traumatic thing I have ever gone through and I still have symptoms of PTSD. Thank you for giving me this outlet. I am broken and I only wake up to be there for my babies. I hope oneday this nightmare will end. For all of us.

    • Nikki

      Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. Don’t feel guilty for giving in to him, that’s what they do. They are good at making their victims suck in to their abuse. They are so manipulative that they do it so slyly victims don’t feel it. We treat them as human beings expecting them to respond like ones too but unfortunately that;s not how their minds work. They are pure evil who plan their abuse and expect you to take it and ask for more. It’s a game they all play so well and we all fall for it whether we are in a relationship with them or not. My advice is to keep the NC and read as much about psychopathy as you can as this way you can at least start to understand what happened to you and avoid it happening again. As long as you are in contact with him, he will find a million ways to twist your mind and make you give in again. I know it takes long and sometimes very long, but if you don’t start healing now you will fall back into his sick traps and before you know, you are deceived and used again. Stay away and keep strong!

      You can try this website to educate yourself on P, if find it extremely helpful.
      Nikki

  22. Artemis

    The N.lived in my house. I wanted to end the relationship already a long time ago, but he simply refused to leave. His “splitting” was extreme: in one breath he could say: oh, you are the only woman of whom I kiss the feet and then: I hope you die you fucking H! He denied everything I ever said to him and lied about everything. He lied about his jobs, his achievements, (never had any) his money (he did not have any), friends (he doesn’t have any). He did (does) not work and lived completely of my money. He was extremely violent fysically and verbally and I was afraid that he would kill me in a N-rage. For example in a rage he started to throw things to my head untill he finally hit target and I was bleeding.

    He isolated me completely from family and friends and then kept on telling me: “you see, you have nobody but me” . Yeah right.

    On a friday morning I fled my house and since then I am trying to get things straight.
    For now I pressed charges and I hope they will put him away for ever: I know this is selffulfilling propecy but to survive I need to keep the hope that I do not have to see or hear him ever again.

    I agree very much with Crazy: not all people have kindness inside unless we can say that the N is not people but some kind of evil creature.
    I am damaged but I am determined to reclaim my life, family, friends, happiness everything. I will make the nightmare end.

  23. Becca

    “Take that, Butt face”
    Literally laughed out loud when I read that. Made me feel so much better.
    I have been NC since 18th June 2012. Haven’t looked back. I know he has a new source of supply and I also know he has slagged me off to anyone who will listen. Yes, what a cow I am for cutting him off and refusing to allow him to continue treating me like crap. After his ex-wife booted him out and he had no where to go, I invited him into my home – which he totally took for granted and basically trashed. Never cleaned up after himself and said I was really lazy because i refused to clean up after him. Fast forward to nearly 3 years later, after all the lies, the slagging off of his ex wife, trying to ensure he drove a wedge between her and her kids, just so he could keep contact with them, golly gosh the Red flags!, hated the close relationship i had with my mother – tried to sabotage that too, made me believe his ex wife was an evil woman (sure she may have made mistakes, but i have a sneaking suspicion her crazy behaviour was a direct result of his input), so yes after 3 years, he was moving out because he ‘needed space’. What that meant was that he could have me waiting on the back burner as an option in case he couldn’t find anyone else that would provide him with his narc supply and he could contact me whenever there was nothing else to do. Saw him on the train the other day, I completely ignored him and I know that would have burned him to the core. Trust me when I say this, if you are on NC and treat them like they’re strangers, it’s the best revenge possible. Not only do you walk away with your own dignity, but you can be rest assured that they are left reeling afterwards at being treated as insignificant.
    To quote that terrific line from the The Butchies song…
    “I’d like your respect, but I’d rather keep mine.”

    • Julia

      I left mine on June 26, 2012 and I have beaten the son of a bitch. I white knuckled it. I cried – a lot. I even called him once after 4 months in a “I still love him-he needs me” meltdown but… I HUNG UP!!! And even better… I blocked my “new” # so it might not have been me, right? And, most importantly I didn’t talk. I hung up.
      Did I look at his private setting fb? Yup. I saw he was w her again. He made it the big pic at the top. Hmmm, I guess she didnt know he begged for me back. Oh wait, he probably recycled that begging to her too. I see that now. I believed he wanted me but couldn’t have me so he scurried to get the other woman back. The time I had bc of NC made me open my eyes. The info from this blog made me see the truth. He didnt want to lose his best supplier but… He begged her too. Of course he did. I know now. I know bc that’s how they operate. But, my prevail gets better! Not only did I stay no contact, pretend to look strong and unaffected on my not-private fb that I knew he’d check. I did what the blog and posts here told me to do for the best revenge. I made it look like I was on top of the world. Moved on for better things. I never let on that I was dying inside. Missing him. Loving the fake narc. I stayed strong. I made it thru holidays. No contact!!! But then…. 2 weeks or so ago I got the frantic emails. “Call me. It’s an emergency (no doubt about him!). No response :) My friends get them. Please tell her to call me!! ….Nope. Yet another… Please call me. 911. But guess what, my fellow survivors! I did the most freeing thing I have ever done. The words were amazingly empowering. And it set me free!! I’m not kidding! At that moment, I changed. I don’t care about him. Or her. Or them. I don’t. I really, really don’t. I responded to him. I broke no contact so that I can put the last nail in the coffin… And I did. 4 words set me free for some reason. I replied back to him w these 4 words…
      YOU’RE DEAD TO ME.
      And he is. Him and his false self. He truly is dead. I don’t care what his phony (or maybe even real – albeit doubtful) crisi he was having. I don’t care. Find some other codependent to lend their shoulder. Fuck off.
      Maybe it was prayer. The begging for God to help me stop loving him. Maybe the survivor stories. Maybe the information that opened my eyes that I read here. Maybe a combo of all. All I know is I’m free. I promise u, all if u, that man is dead to me. I deleted my FB completely. I mean deleted. As in, no ability to deactivate ever. I don’t check his fb. Shockingly. Why? Bc I don’t care. I deleted any means of him contacting me.
      Do u realize I did it! I beat the narc at his own game. I left The Alighty AlphaMan. I made it so he can’t contact me. MY control. Not his! I told HIM he was DEAD to me. Then gave him NO opportunity to reply. We all know his ass is on fire! He’s probably punching holes in walls and drinking himself silly bc I beat him and he knows it. I didn’t even give a shit about his crisis. Hahaha Kiss my ass. I’m free. I’m real. I don’t hang with fakes. I control my life. I am better than he will ever be. Fact.
      I win. Game over Douchebag.

      • Jensing

        You rock!!!:-) Game over!! Prayer & your will to heal helped u win. What narcs don’t get is that if we were strong & persistent enough to deal with them, we clearly strong enough to leave them. Trust me, they are feeling some losss…no doubt.

      • MyTimeIsNow

        I can relate to you although I don’t think that my Narc cared that I went no contact or at least I don’t know if he tried to contact me because I changed my cell number and blocked him from my home phone numbers. For a time, someone kept calling me blocked to my home phone but I never answered the calls and eventually put privacy manager so I don’t get those calls.

        I have been no contact for nearly two months now. It has been hard. I guess the hardest part is knowing that he has gone on as if I never existed. Before him, I had no idea what narcissism was. Now that I do and have read so much information, I find it unreal that such people exist. I still find myself having a hard time grasping the fact that he is one but after reading the various traits, if he isn’t, I would be shocked. Our “relationship” didn’t last but a year but I have been shook to my core and did think that I was going crazy. I still can’t understand how he got into my psyche the way that he did. It is almost as if he possessed my mind and won’t give it back.

        He is such a classic case book narc/sociopath that again, I still can’t believe that people like him really do exist. I feel shame for what I experienced and did but each day gets better. This guy is my “cousin” – not my blood though (my mother later married his dad’s nephew but wasn’t at the time we were initially growing up). We grew up together until I was about six and hadn’t seen each other for nearly 30 years and became reacquainted. He pursued me relentlessly and convinced me that our love was “in the stars” and that he has loved me all these years. The idealization stage was intoxicating although I was slightly uncomfortable since he asked me to marry him within 2 weeks of us starting to talk seriously.

        Of course this was our little secret and we basically had a sexual relationship – I guess that is what my narc supply was to him. But because I am a codependent, I ate up whatever he gave me. To make a very long story short, once he had my heart, the D&D began and it was quite painful. Towards the end, he was acting very passive aggressively but the more he pushed me away, the more that I seemed to want him.

        To complicate matters, I am bi-polar but hadn’t been on medication in years due to not having insurance so dealing with him nearly gave me a mental breakdown and kept me in a state of depression that I couldn’t shake. When I felt that things truly weren’t right, I started snooping around. Once he saw that I was on to him, things really got ridiculous and he started discarding me something fierce. When he stopped returning my calls consistently/standing me up, I was in full-blown withdrawal mode and started going by his house only to find that his “friend” was actually his ex-girlfriend who lived with him. I later found out that she basically takes care of him and his children so I guess that makes her his “primary” supply.

        Our “relationship” ended in a flurry of embarassing acts for me such as driving by his house and thinking that he wasn’t home, leaving a nasty note on his car calling him a lying Piece of Sh%!. I was in a manic state and was just basically feeling out of control. I just wanted to talk but he wouldn’t.

        The final straw came when I went to his house just to apologize for my erratic behavior and just wanting to start over as family. He wouldn’t let me in but spoke to me through the door. He told me that he would get a PPO against me for stalking. I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t doing that. That I just wanted to clear the air between us. But when I saw that he wasn’t seeing it that way, I told him that only little boys acted like he did and I guess he became angry, opened up his door, and started trying to choke me. He had me over his porch railing, laying on these bushes. Luckily, his neighbor saw him, called his name, and he stopped. This neighbor turned out to be his girlfriend’s sister who took me to her house and told me so much information about him that I still can’t believe it. Being the sexual deviant that he is, I also suspect that he may be bi sexual.

        Because we are family and this was a “secret”, I didn’t want to rock the boat by pressing charges or telling anyone so I let it go – a decision that haunts me. I later heard that he told his girlfriend that he had heard from another cousin that I had a crush on him so that is why he didn’t let me in. He then told her that I was crazy and on Prozac so he feared what I may do so he had to fight me because I became irate (not true).

        I was devastated and crushed. Because I was beaten as a child and by other men that I dated years ago, it brought back flashbacks and literally, I suffered a breakdown. I just felt worthless. Like once more, someone who claimed to love me, used and discarded me like a piece of trash when they has no more use for me. I became suicidal and called a hotline. I was taken from work by the police and went to an emergency intervention center. I didn’t work for three works, but finally started therapy again and started taking medication to control my bi-polar and depression.

        It has been just AWFUL!!!!!! But I started no-contact immediately. We have not spoken since and I don’t plan on it. Unfortunately, there was a death in the family and I had to see him at the funeral – he wore dark shades to the church (it is snowy/cold were I live right now). He didn’t speak to me and I ignored him COMPLETELY – even speaking to people right in front of his face while acting like he wasn’t even there.

        It was hard and again, I still miss him, well the pretend him. I can relate to wanting the “idealized” him back. We seemed so compatible but I guess it was him mirroring me. I still feel haunted by what happened to me. I still have nightmares. But I must say that blogs like this have been a life saver and it does get better each day. So ladies (and men too) stay no contact. Don’t think that they can remain in your life and that you will get better. Truly, this is like an addiction and you must go through the symptoms of withdrawal – there is no way around it. Yes, it is painful but there is no other way. These men are not human. They are evil and have taken our souls. Take your soul back and reclaim your life! Run away like your life is depending on it and don’t look back. Like Julia says “Hahaha Kiss my ass. I’m free. I’m real. I don’t hang with fakes. I control my life. I am better than he will ever be. Fact. I win. Game over Douchebag.”

      • Nutz!

        Thank you for sharing this, that is AWESOME. Suddenly, I wish I had your phone number, myself;). Godspeed to all of us who wound up on this crazy path. Your courage is contagious. Thank you!!!!!!

      • Susan

        @Julia You’ve made my day with your message. This gave me so much inner power to keep remembering all those n’s aren’t worth it one f-ing bit. Thank you!

  24. Millie

    I was with my N husband for thirty years. He swept me off my feet and then started abusing me once we were married. He was so horrible to me that I became depressed. Everything was my fault. I did not make him happy. I was a lousy mother, was “lazy” if I got sick and needed to rest. He took all my pay checks and every bit if money I got. Made me cash in our youngest son’s stock my mother had given him to “start his business.” Finally, he started beating me in front of our youngest late at night when he was drunk. I was terrified but did not report it. Three years ago he told me our marriage was over two days after Christmas. He said he had met the woman if his dreams and was “engaged.” My house was left under water and in foreclosure. I am a nurse so have some skills. I have modified my loan but things are tough. He lied in court to get spousal support out of me to lower his child support. He got our youngest to lie in court about the physical abuse. I can’t get a restraining order because I never reported the abuse. I have been NC for two years but I feel him trying to get at me through our son. He yells and threatens my son to make him visit. He is eighteen now. It is so hard to try to restart my life. He told me I was worthless. I want to meet someone who will love me but am scared.

  25. Narc_survivor

    Hi

    i was hoping i could get a bit of help as a mail i have had insecurity issues about being abandoned and being alone and its spills over into my life in a paranoid sense.

    I have always been a caring individual previsouly but my insecurities abt cheating has seeped into my normal functioning. in addition to this i went throug a 2.5 yr relationship with a narcisistic girlfriend who lied t me denied my feelings and i have various exmaples of these lies many painful and in additon to this i get told that i am the one with the problem.
    i tried to break free of the hold and when i do get away and stay away i get a message text or phonecall or some contact professing how much she misses me and get sucked back in only to get thrown out like an old husk.

    i was told i was not the right age dont try to look attractive enough for her. and how does she look if i dress my age and she is dressed hers ( there is a 10 y gap) i dont brush my teeth enough not appealling to her and sex is a chore.

    she always feels like my needs are over hers is this projecting?
    my dad was diagnosed with cancer she had a work exam i supported her and she sed i wasnt around enough and she has issues in her life as well
    my friends are getting tired of hearing the same issues and i am at the point where i have lost all my friends and last true friends are tired of hearing abt the same issues with me

    she says i am self centered but the rules and boundaries change consistently. hidden messages and mixed signals

    and now i am not sure if i am a narcissist am i just the one to fault
    she breaksup with me and says why am i so happy to be broken up with her
    i got dumoped its my fault cos i didnt wear the right shorts
    didnt drink enough with her

    her father consistently cheated on her mother and made broken promises

    am i a narcisist i am so confused abt whether i am being self centred

    i work with her and i need to get over this
    and move on

    HELP HELP HELP

    • Aunt Alex

      Udesh, I seriously do not think you’re a narcissist. For one, I have never, ever heard a narcissist seriously ponder whether he’s a narcissist.

      You’re in a lot of pain. Circle your wagons, get together with true friends and loving family, and let the healing begin.

      *hugs*

  26. liliana

    How I got rid of the narcsissit in my life follows below. This may be useful for some them–maybe the less extreme ones. I did it this way, as I feared things escalating and him getting vindictive.

    I think this narcissist was less extreme than some others, cause he really feared me finding out just how crap he was. I think he knew he had to hide it better, because (as I found out) his wife had dumped him after a very short marriage 4 years before we dated, and had also aborted his child that she was carrying. I think she feared him like I did at some point, when I caught a glimpse of the void within him, even though he was so mild mannered and quiet.

    The romance and poetry was very intense in the beginning, but didn’t last long. Very soon there was an escalation of subtle criticism, complaints, sulking for a thousand different totally meaningless and irrelevant things. And this would happen for totally different reasons every time I saw him, so you could never predict what his problem with me would be. It was always something different.

    Everything and anything about me started to get him annoyed and he showed this to me in subtle ways and not so subtle ways:

    What I said, how I said it, when I said it, my past (what he assumed about my past sex life, I never told him anything), my eating habits (I didn’t eat much, didn’t eat late at night, didn’t like everything he did etc.) , my interests and hobbies. The fact that I had interests. The fact that I said at some point that I was more comfortable cooking in my own kitchen than his, even though his was larger–because I didn’t know my way around it well enough—-led to a 2.5 day sulk. The fact that I couldn’t remember an address of a restaurant we were going to go to—resulted in him insistently saying “I don’t accept that you can’t remember”, again and again. Why? we only ever went there once 4 years ago. He didn’t remember, why should I? It was totally pointless too since we had the number of the place, a telephone, and internet—and it took 60 seconds to find it the address. This is just an example of how anything could be used to bully me—even though it was in a really quiet way.

    He was forever trying to tell me what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to talk, what to say—and I mean over really minor things. He was forever saying, you shouldn’t have said that then, you should have said it later or at some other point. Or—you shouldn’t be asking me this question, you should be asking me another one. But over really meaningless things. By the way I am more educated than he is. It started to become clear to me that he was jealous of what I had worked so hard to accomplish, and that he needed to put me down, to feel good about himself.

    He seemed to be pissed off and annoyed that I would not be his marionette—I refused to accept that he had the right to mould or shape me or control me. He kept on saying that I “didn’t want to adapt” cause that’s what you do at the beginning of relationships! (Not in any relationships I ever had!!). I told him that he needed to go find someone else who would be interested in being “shaped” by him, and turned into what he wanted—because I was certainly not going to be that person.

    At some point he even complained (in a subtle way, he was still hiding that his real nature) about things in bed—as if he had paid for service and didn’t get “exactly” what he wanted. Even though we were compatible sexually and generally things went well in that area.

    He became visibly annoyed when I said wow, my birthday is coming up. I can’t believe I will be 40 years old. He was 3 years older but didn’t like to be reminded of my age. Even though I look a lot younger than him, according to his friends, (he told me this) who thought I was around 30.

    But I realised at some point that he craved college age girls. His wife had been 16 years younger than him and when they first started going out had been a college student herself.

    At some point, he started to ogle girls young enough to be his daughter—in a way which showed that there was something really wrong with him: —turning around to see the back of them, scanning the horizon, following them til they disappeared, scanning the horizon again, to find one to watch, as if in a trance, etc. even when he was driving. And of course all of this took place in front of me!

    For the record, I don’t see any point in asking someone NOT to do this. The problem is:
    a. that he wanted to do it, and
    b. that he did it while I was with him.

    Someone who does this is just a creepy pig. Don’t buy all the crap out there which says oh men are just made like this, they can’t help it. Most men do NOT act like this—not in my experience or that of my friends and family.

    All my male friends have told me that when a man acts this way in front of his date or partner (insistent, creepy, ogling) —he really, really does not give a shit about them, and that the woman should get up and leave and never look back. They even have said to me that the men who ogle like this on their own without their partners present, have the reputation for mistreating women emotionally, and are usually the worst looking. Please note I am not referring to having a look which we all do, but to not being able to stop staring, following someone insistently with their eyes, and going into a trance like state while they’re at it, having that drooling look on their face etc.

    So don’t buy all the media crap out there about how it’s “normal” and how women who are creeped out by this and hurt by it are “insecure”.

    I decided to get out of the relationship after 8 months (which included a break up and not seeing each other for 2 months –I also made the mistake of going back!! He knew what to say to convince me that his behaviour was due to other problems he was facing and he was very apologetic).

    But I knew that I had to end it. I realised that he didn’t appreciate me at all, he didn’t respect me, I had no value to him. And that he would make me feel that every minute of the day. This made me fear him a lot and how bad he could get—even though he never yelled and was never violent. It’s kind of the horror of realising that he had a mask on, and behind the mask he was not human, but instead some kind of hostile, predatory alien.

    I basically explained to him everything that had happened , in writing—and I mean everything—how he was always annoyed, how everything bugged him about me. And in the end I said—it is very clear to me that I can’t be what you want. You have made this abundantly clear time and time again. I am sorry and I wish I could be. (That’s a lie of course).

    I think that you should go out there and find the person you really want and deserve. And I am sure that when you do, you will no longer be so annoyed at anything and everything. You will no longer need to “teach” your partner how to act, think, talk and be with you—because you will have what you want. I said I will always love you, and I thank you for some good times, but GOODBYE. And even though he called several times and emailed—I just kept on saying the same things to him, including all the things that annoyed him in great detail. He disappeared.

    I think it really drove him crazy that
    a. he was itching for a fight, and I didn’t give it to him
    b. I understood and kept a mental record of how crap he was and then sent it to him to read…
    c. I didn’t accuse him of anything however, beyond saying that it’s not right to be with me, as I am not the person you want.

    Of course, as I said, he doesn’t want a person to be with—he wants a marionette.

    To all those going through this, as I have too—please don’t put yourself down for finding it difficult to break up with the narcissist. Normal people I think are shocked to the core by narcissists—it is beyond our comprehension that they can be so fake, such liars, and can swing from being so romantic and affectionate to critical, insulting and demeaning, often in a short period of time. It is shocking to realise how calculating they are and how all they really want is power over us—all they really crave is having a marionette they can control in every way, not a real person in their life. No one wants to accept this as it is horrifying. So I think this is a reason behind our denial—as well as low self-esteem.

    • Aunt Alex

      “So don’t buy all the media crap out there about how it’s “normal” and how women who are creeped out by this and hurt by it are “insecure”.”

      Yup yup yup

      “he doesn’t want a person to be with—he wants a marionette.”

      yup.

    • Nutz!

      Amen! You describe the feeling so eloquently. I couldn’t sleep at all one night after watching my n do this the 4th or 5th time (after we were married for a few months). It was a deeply disturbing compulsion…then I found out about a porn addiction and other women all before 1 year of marriage. Initially, he was the most respectful man with staunch principles, high morals and the utmost integrity. What a joke that turned out to be! 6 weeks out and I am doing everything in my power to heal and use this as a gift…the best revenge is a life well-lived!

    • loven u wasn't healthy

      NCMy ex Narc/Social path was the most charming man at the beginning of our relationship, like all others post I read “I was really taken an in love”. He came in my life when my personal life was in an uproar. I needed love and he supplied it. We meet by chance. We both took the bus and seen each a few times stared and smiled. I made the initial contact. We talked on phone and in person. I really felt he was a nice guy and learned we like a lot of the same things. We went on our first date. I FEEL HARD slept with him and that’s the night that changed my life.

      At the beginning I made the mistake of being to Motherly. I brought him food and help him with money when he said he needed. He was working but rent took most of his check. Silly me I, was open and he know it. He would dish out the charm and tell me what I wanted to hear. I was putty in his hands. Sweet words and being super sexy I think at the time my mind set was very clouded. And he wanted me being alone for 8yrs made this a feel so right.!

      But while it so “right” it also felt so “wrong”. He proclaimed to love me after a week of dating, all day long he would tell how pretty, caring
      and? ask me to promise to never leave him ever. I was not like any other person he dated I was special and he wanted to marry me one day. Wow me I thought. He seemed so genuine and honest as he stared at ;me each time he said Loving and Caring things to me. I was finally “In Love and I believed he Loved me back”. Stupid me. As weeks went by I started noticing things about his character and believed he was hiding his true self.

      It Valentine’s Day we had plans, he stood me up and blamed me. Because I was hurt and blocked him out for the rest of the night. When he did decided to leave a message I was accused of cheating and had I only answered when he called at 10 we still could have went to dinner and a movie as planned. I was do disappointed it was our 1st Valentine’s and I was totally ignored when I made 5 calls and sent 3 texts I was at fault. The changed alot I wanted to breakup with him but he said “don’t walk away” let’s work it out. This started the devalue I think in my relationship. Because that he was so inconsistent and flip floppy I never knew what to expect and he always had and excuse and I believed him. No matter what I trusted he cared. After all he said he loved me and when you love you stay and working on not walk away after the first sight of trouble. Right! Wrong I should have ran.

      This turned into a lie after lie. Controlling me. Accusing me of cheating. Not being affectionate enough. Gaslighting. Picking fights so he could be with other women. Blaming. Agression. You name it he did it. I started become cry baby and tried even harder to please him. After I wanted this he made “me” like this is what We wanted. I started to change. I was losing myself and was not happy. But I needed his love.

      After all the that I would try to do nice things. Special dinners on the town. Hotel stays with flowers and candlelight. He always enjoyed himself and moment. But once it was over he would turn into the mean bastard I was also growing to love. Just cold hearted and a user. When I. Was sick in the hospital he started a fight. When I came home he was caught by me with a women in his bed. Never tried to explain or yes he did one month later he said what could he say at the time that would have made a difference. But he says he loves me each and everyday and wants to be with always and makes promise I will never leave him.
      :
      Well its been 7 months and he has been the most horrible man I have every meet. And to boot he claims to love me. After all the abuse I have started to fight back and not take him at his word and says that I am now a Challenge and Clever. And he also started to fear that I was going to leave so he mastered mined the big Break up. To accuse me of cheating with his roommate and say that I don’t like him. Reflection that what he is doing and he doesn’t like me and he knew I was started to get bitter and always defensive. Non compliant he hated it and he let me know in it. We he claim to broke up with by giving my personal things I left at his house. And me never to call or text him again and that he never really needed me and to fuck off.

      I never responded to his 6 nasty texts after I left his house that night. Or his voicemails I just ignored him. One thing that I did want to responded to was his jealously for my college education and my children. Two things he can never take away and how dare he try to isolate me from my girls. I happy and now pride of myself for not going back like have done on more that one occasion even after I caught cheating and using me.

      I will be ok I know this. He even said that he know I don’t need him (mind games) but I know even though I care that this happen. I still so much to give to Universe and my family and friends. And although he don’t see my worth I do.

      Self Preseveration! I love me.

    • Jaap

      In my experience all this explaining doesn’t help… They are just given the tools to manipulate themselves back in. Been there…done that..tried it… In the end I just disappeared without explanation.. They like it if you explain.

  27. Happily_Separated

    “Take THAT, buttface!”
    I laughed so hard at that, I actually started crying and got hiccups. Omg. Breathe, breathe.

    I married my N. I told him when we were dating that I don’t cook, period. I also told him I have piercings and tattoos, and I plan on getting more. He seemed displeased but said nothing. After we were married, apparently he decided that he now “owned” me and could order me to cook, remove my piercings, and that I wasn’t “allowed” to get anymore tattoos. That was just the beginning, naturally. I had to ask for permission to eat out. I was smart and refused to join our money together, I kept my own checking account. He never told me a word of how much money he had, but he drilled me constantly on how much I had spent and where, how much I had left, yelled at me for “spending too much,” which is ironic considering he had the worst case of impulse buy I’ve ever seen. He never participated in the care of our child unless compelled to. I would try to encourage him to bond with our kid, help take care of the baby. He’d play with the baby, sure, but when it came time to actually do real work, he’d hand our baby off to me, it was my problem. He was really irresponsible and absolutely stupid to the point that he would put our baby in danger. It got to the point where I never left them alone together and they never went anywhere without me. I did all the parenting, all the work. My N never got up in the middle of the night to care for the baby because if anyone woke him (including the baby), he would become explosive and crazy. Fortunately, he’s not an extremely severe N in that he was only verbally abusive and not physically abusive, but that could be because I have a black belt, I carry a gun, and I’m bigger than he is =)

    I feel like I tried everything to salvage our marriage, so I don’t have these “what if” feelings in walking away. Tried marital counseling, had to drag him kicking and screaming, and I usually just ended up going alone. Talked to people in our church, usually went alone to that, too. If he knew he was in the wrong, he didn’t want to work on our problems. He’d just get pissed and storm out of the house and be gone for hours and not answer his phone. He would usually start the fights by acting like a complete asshole, but then he’d blame it all on me because *I* had done something to make him angry in the first place, and it’d be something so retarded that sometimes I’d actually laugh in his face.

    So after the last psycho nonsensical fight he started over absolutely nothing based in reality, I snapped and just stopped caring completely about him. I think he’s an idiot. He’s a complete failure and a loser who can’t finish anything he starts. His delusions of grandeur and need for recognition and respect are just pathetic. He chose a strong woman because, in the N malfunctioned brain, if he can control a strong woman that must make him strong, too! But he couldn’t even do that, so how pathetic does that make him? I don’t love him. I don’t care about him. I am actually excited at the prospect of divorcing him that I can hardly contain myself. His mother is a total psycho as well, and the thought of him remarrying someone just like her makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I’m not even going to tell him, he has no idea what’s about to hit him. His first clue will be when he gets served papers and discovers I have a lawyer. I don’t have to ask for permission to spend money anymore on buying my kid toys. I won’t be screamed at anymore for being “lazy” because I can’t clean faster than he can trash a place. I won’t be told how to dress anymore. My kid won’t have to be around that idiot. I won’t have to deal with psychotic ranting fights from the most self-absorbed creature on the planet anymore! I won’t have his presence polluting my home anymore. I won’t have to listen to his latest and dumbest “get rich quick” schemes. I won’t have to reassure him that he’s great at everything he does. I won’t have to deal with that idiot’s laundry ever again! I am so excited, I am going to be skipping out of that courtroom with a song in my heart! My kids and I will be FREE!!!

    And if I ever remarry, I’m getting a prenup and we’re living in separate houses, and if I don’t like my in-laws then they’re simply banned from coming anywhere near me, and if that’s a problem for the new guy, he knows where the door is. I don’t even think I’ll give him his own key, he can just knock and wait to see if I feel like opening the door, just like everybody else does. I’m done letting these nut jobs and their equally nut job families believe they actually have any power over me AT ALL or that I somehow care about their badly thought-out half-baked opinions. So done with this crap and cannot WAIT to be single again! Best choice I ever made for my children and myself.

  28. Narc_survivor

    hi i left a post with my real name and would like to change it can u plse help me

  29. Alive

    When my N dumped me, I was strong enough to tell him I didn’t want to be with him and I was the one who was disappointed in the kind of person he had turned out to be. He was actually offended. It was a long conversation, and he kept saying how he wished he could be with me but given my life circumstances it was impossible (it wasn’t impossible! It did require being an adult), until I finally got tired and told him this conversation had gone on long enough and it was pointless, and I was bored. Oh, and I did manage to say to him that it was too bad for him if he thought I was the perfect woman because I thought he was a jerk.

    I’ve been NC for almost a year, and the few times I’ve run into him, he pretty much flees in the opposite direction. I know he’s back with his ex, which stings a little, I must say. I don’t know why, since I know he wasn’t nice to her either.

    I do hope NC is somehow the best revenge. I know I need to do it, and I do it for myself, but I can’t help but hope it bothers him that I’ve cut all means of communication with him.

  30. Gracey

    After 4 years, I split with my narc nearly 7 months ago and he still is constantly trying to get back together……lies and false promises…. cant believe ive been such a fool for believing in him…enough s enough… am now in nc and have blocked him from phones email and fb. now just avoiding the knock at the door which will happen) Ive never experienced such extreme lies and persistence and for what? hes been in therapy for months and keeps saying he wants it to be perfect before we get back together……it wont ever be perfect, it never was…far from it…. just in shock that ive realised what its all about, not what i thought x Just remember, when something bad exits your life it leaves room for something good. What a roller-coaster ride to say the least x

  31. lost in translation

    1 1/2 years – 3 reunite attempts -3 break ups thé last resulting in thé slaying of all 4 of my tires. In broad daylight and a last text stating he wanted to marry me then getting out of his car and stabbing my tires.
    Thé stories here contain little variation and that is to me sad as I am sûre we not only wanted to be special and thé one but now we are just one in the same.
    It will be a long journey for me to trust anyone even my own judgement again if ever. That is how i feel.

  32. Sandy

    Wow, Everyday I get up and read post on N’s just to assure myself I am not and never was crazy. I met my N and just like classic N’s go never knowing one before he made me feel like I had hit the lottery. Everything I had always wanted looks, attention, sweet love notes etc, After two weeks he started talking marriage which shocked me but flattered me all the same. He started to really persist and I remember one day saying why not wait we don’t know eachother that well lets take some time and I can still see him sulking at the table and me not wanting to hurt him said ok. What a fool I should have held to my gut. We got married after 3 weeks of knowing eachother he was a trucker and I went out on the road with him, he started teaching me to drive because after all we could make A lot of money and he wanted to own his own truck. One nite I had driven his shift as I had no CDL but was learning to drive to get one he had gotten mad and was not talking to me I didn’t know why like many times to come and we stopped at a truck stop I went in to get coffee and came out and was sitting on the bunk making my coffee and he went to pull into a parking spot and all of a sudden he hit the brakes and I came flying out right into the dash I hit my knee so hard it swelled beyond belief. He Never reacted I fell back on the bunk in tears and he Never said oh my gosh I am sorry are you ok Never said one word that was just the beginning. Over the years I went through a living hell I got my CDL we would hire on to companies and as like on cue it would start the verbal and physical and I would get off the truck, he would quit the company come home and we would talk and I would tell him I couldn’t take how he treated me he would say he understood and had learned his lesson and me not understanding N’s I would believe and get right back on a truck with him things would be great for about 6 to 8 months and then wham. to cut it all down he served me with divorce papers 3 times in 12 years and each time I swear the door wasn’t even closed from being served and he would call wanting to talk and then we would burn the papers sick I know doesn’t speak much for me. The last time I finally responded he was shocked but the last time we had taken time off out in California where his family lived and while staying at his mothers one nite he hurt my feelings I said something and he got up and hit me so hard that how I stayed awake I don’t know and when his mother told me I deserved it I was in total shock. it scared me so badly thinking if I hadn’t gotten up and or been knocked out would they have called for help. I ended up having to have surgery on my shoulder because of it and of course he didn’t go to the hospital with me and when I came home he had to let the salesman in the house do a demonstration before he could help me Wow uh. it took him 4 days after the beating to somewhat say he was wrong and sorry but actually truth never did. We did get divorced and yes he drug it out for two years we had no kids together and he made my life a living hell during it all. He manipulated everything and I kept telling my lawyer how he was but I ended up going through hell anyway. I got the contents of the house my car which he says he let me have we had to do mediation and he got the house which I must add I still live in he pays the rent and all his belongings still here even tho he lives in texas now oh yea he quit trucking and decided he wanted to work on cars which he did in the army with his friend who owns a shop. he lives in a travel trailer has threaten to come get his things numerous times and tells me to leave a lot but funny everytime I start to leave wham he shows and wants us to go trucking again. this last time two weeks ago he came an said we were putting things back together going back out on the road stayed for 9 days left and went silent sent me a text the other day saying he realized we killed whatever we had and I needed to move and go live my life. also he has the title to my car and says he will send it to me when I move out I said send it now and will promise I will be gone no response. I know what is going on and yes hell yes this is crazy as hell and everyday I fight and fight to let go and except that it is all game. The worst is knowing that I still have something he wants and needs and that’s a CDL because he is hating working as a mechanic which I knew would not last nothing does and am waiting for the day he comes soon to work on me to get back in the truck with him solo’s don’t make the money teams did and we made a lot and yep you guessed it he blew it one way or another. I will be shocked if this week the title to my car shows and he is serious about me having 30 days to move from his house with all the animals too, but if it does show I will no doubt be incredibly wounded again and but know that it is my time to go we all know why I stay and me more than anyone. I try to be kind to myself and know that this too shall pass but shit would it hurry up. I read everything I can and know I am strong for to have survived all this time speaks volumes of it but doesn’t make the pain any less. he is silent right now and its just one of many times this year so I take my peace where I can. I am trying the no contact but it is scary not knowing when or how he is going to appear and we all know he will so please don’t hold back tell me what you think even if I don’t like what you say the truth is the truth and any and all will help.

  33. Sandy

    I failed to mention in my last post that not only did he not help after my surgery in fact that day ask what was for dinner. He sat in the house for 9 days as my father who I adored was dying and he knew what my dad meant to me and never spoke one word to me the night my dad died I laid on the couch crying and he never came out of the bedroom to say a word. I lost my job in april and things got really bad for me can’t find a job I am 53 and at one point it was so bad I was ready to end it all. A friend moved in to help because of course he was enjoying watching me suffer and the animals and when he found out someone had stepped in to help wham here he was and yes you guessed it they moved out after less than a month and after he came and told them it would work out for us because he and I had decided to go back trucking and they could care for the animals stay as long as they needed then the text 3 days later saying they needed to sign a lease after he told them just pay a hundred or two towards rent. I am now all on my own with 222 hundred dollars a week unemployment coming in but still holding but alone and isolated again. His Mother died two months later I found out from my sister in law and things that had been happening with him started to make sense. He quit trucking in march when he got his inheritance of 60 thousand and bought the travel trailer a moter cyle and pretty much has blown through it and that is why now I feel he is priming me to get back in a truck with him because he says he is buying one and he would not be able to make the payment without me as I do know about the trucking world or I think I do. The whole 9 days he was here he was looking in trucker magazines at trucks to buy and telling me I had a lot of work to do since we were going back the first week of august that is coming up soon and the look on his face when he left that morning to go back to texas to work 85 miles away from here he was smiling. he did leave a lot of his clothes and some other things which is what tells me he is coming back and yes it is all game. I have a decision to make and right now it sucks to be me my head knows what my heart dose not want to except but bottom line one way or another I have decisions to make and I am scared to death. please let me know what everyone thinks and please pray for me to make the right decision.

  34. Jade

    Help! The man I am currently involved with I think may have NPD. He is very beautiful and knows it. He was abused mentally and physically by his step mother and abandoned by his biological mother at the age of 3. When I first met him he was a successful business owner, but since then, 3 years ago, he had to sale his business and is now working a normal 9-5 job employed by someone. He says this is where his anger and depression comes from but after researching NPD, I don’t think that’s the case. He has never been married, no children, and while he says that’s what he wants, I don’t believe it. He has had many many many opportunities with other women to settle down. And 1 year ago he told me he wasn’t “in love” with me. But whenever I’ve tried to move on, because he says we are best friends, he goes into a rage and says he can’t trust me and that’s why he cant love me. But he just recently ended a relationship with a girl who he hid from me for two years, and says that his mind wants to love me and knows that I am right, but he doesn’t feel it like he did with her???!!! I have helped him financially and emotionally these past three years like nobody would believe. It’s actually embarrassing, all the while thinking I was making him fall for me. He is trying to get his own business started again and needs my name on the papers for legal reasons. We were going to be “business partners”. He knows I am desperately in love with him and would do anything in this world for him. He finds little ways to cut me though, such as he says I need to lose 15 -20 lbs to look good, I only weigh 120 lbs. he says I’m flabby and I need to tighten up. Then criticizes what I wear, eat, my makeup, etc, anything to crush my self esteem. He goes to the gym everyday and has a gorgeous body, he will come home and tell me about all the women that hit on him and how it makes him “sick”, although I know he is eating it up. He has a very inviting flirtatious personality and will deny it venematley when confronted. But says that I am the flirty one and not trustworthy, knowing the entire time I would never be unfaithful if I was in a relationship with him. Today, I lied to him about making a business phone call to a potential client. He grabbed my phone and found out that I never called this client as I said I did, and went into a rage. He has neer been physically abusive until now. He threw me against the wall and then got down on me and wrapped his hands around my neck and said he would kill me if I ever lied to him again. Then threw my phone at me so hard that when it hit my leg I have the whole I phone impression on my thigh as a big bruise. Do you think he has NPD or is it he really hates his job that much that causes him to go into rage mode? I know it was wrong to lie to him today but I knew if I told him I didn’t call, he would of had a similar reaction and then all of his troubles were my fault because he would say he can’t depend on me, or I’m lazy, or he has to do everything hisself. I know this is a long post, I just don’t know what to do or think. I keep thinking that if we do get this business going, he will settle down and be happy with me. But I am tired of being the only one to give and love, and then being criticized for every move I make. If it wasn’t for me, he would of files bankruptcy a year ago. I buy him gifts to make him feel better and he freely accepts. Sometimes he is charming, but most the time he is obsessed with himself and constantly putting me down or blaming me for what is wrong. He takes no responsibility. It’s only been a few hours but I haven’t heard from him since the physical abuse episode. Will he get better? Is this NPD?

    • Aunt Alex

      No. He will not get better. He’ll get progressively worse. NPD? I don’t know if it’s NPD, antisocial personality disorder, or Douchebag Syndrome, but I do know that he will not change, your “relationship” will never get better, and he’s taking advantage of you and your generosity.

      Please, for your Auntie, for the Army, for yourself and the people who care about you — Get a therapist, get a lawyer if you need one for the business side of things, and get away from this mega-toad, fast and furious.

      :: hugs ::

    • Suzanne

      Sounds very abusive jade. I would ask you if this is what you want for the long term for your life? A man who really loves you will not make disparaging comments about your body or flaunt the fact that a lot of women wanting him. This is common and all the things you have said about him are standard N behaviours. Around my ex-boyfriend I always used to hate the anxiety and all the other horrible feelings and he always used to use the strategy of triangulation. That is when they use another person to make you jealous. If you continue to stay around him, I am sure that you will slowly become destroyed as a person and your self-esteem will be slowly eroded away until it is non-existent. We get caught by N because they are very clever at knowing what our vulnerabilities are and hook us that way. If we have unhealed wounds from childhood, then we are bound to attract someone who gives the illusion that he/she will be the one to give you all you missed out on. However, that leaves us very vulnerable and we think that we cannot survive without that person and so we keep him/ her around. The truth is that we have to create those things that we want from the N and then we know that we create our own lives. Then we do not need to have the N n our lives any more.

  35. Suzanne

    I read all these posts and feel a great deal of compassion for what we have all endured. Narcissists are so very charming and the holes in our souls and lack of self-love and wanting to be loved are our achilles heels. my first relationship with a N was many years ago and as I read these posts, I remember wanting to kill my ex and a nurse in the Psychiatric hospital where I was undergoing therapy gently reminded me that if I killed him, I would go to prison and was it really worth it when my baby daughter and I could have a real and good life. At that point we had no home, no money and the anguish was severe. I worked hard in therapy to heal my childhood wounds and to make a new start. Eventaully we got state housing and social security parenting payment. It enabled my little girl and me to have a separate life with dignity. I was very angry and it took ages to realise that I was going to have to work really hard to stay separate and not give him any more of my energy and to place my focus on me and my child and our life together. He did all the punishment things with the access and phone calls and support payments; was late coming and going, timed the phone calls to our daughter at times that were inconvenient, went on holidays and gave lots of presents to our daughter that I could not compete with. The list goes on. A therapist reminded me during one dark time that although he was giving her all these things, I was giving her the things that cost no money but that really counted like quality time, a good education, values, a solid routine, a stable and loving home. The court system was a nightmare that I was dragged into time and time again for contempt of court for trying to protect my little one from rides in a car with a drunk or drugged father and dangerous situations in his home like an uncovered well that he refused to fix. I wrote my own affidavits. He got a lawyer. Interestingly, I managed my own case well and he was furious that he had paid a lawyer and was unsuccessful in achieving his aims to kill me off either figuratively or in reality. I didn’t die. I progressed! I used my anger to empower myself and took myself back to university and got my teaching degree. I cleaned houses and did people’s gardens to make money and then created a bread business that kept us going financially. It was challenging but I grew and flourished. He was always his horrible self, but I continued to focus on my daughter and me. I couldn’t do anything about him, but I could continue to be a good mother and make a good life for my child and me. She is now grown up and is now about to complete her second university degree and has grown into a lovely young woman who will be married to a man who loves her and who is her close friend. They are very suited to one another. However, I guess there was still more work to do on me and I got involved with another very handsome and charming Narcissist. It was fun in the beginning but after a while, his true colours began to reveal themselves. Without going into great detail, this relationship of a year and a half was very destructive and caused me to become exhausted and worn down. It wasn’t as bad as with my ex but it was still bad and difficult to get free. I went No Contact and got caught again. The difference this time is that I now own my own home and never allowed him to live with me and never rescued him. Rather, I used the experience to observe carefully, to take what I learned to a counsellor and kinesiologist to heal and get freer and stronger. Finally I was able to remove him from my life. I miss the one I hoped was real but he is a fantasy of my own making. The real one, I do not want in my home. I do not want the feelings of anxiety, of walking on eggshells, the sense of entitlement, the disappointment that is continuous. It is like having the odd crumb and then starving the rest of the time. I have been No Contact now for several months. Recently he was at a dance class that I attend and this was the real test. Would I get sucked in again! I was pleased to see him. He is sooooo charismatic and charming and fun to be with when he wants to be. I could feel the attraction and there was a new stronger me in place, living according to her integrity at last. I value myself and do not ever want to experience what I had with him ever again. The things he did could fill a book and would take pages to tell. That is not the important thing. That is just what I never want to experience again. We chatted and it was ok and as I watched his behaviour during the time we spent with the other dancers after out lesson at the pub, I noticed that nothing had changed. He still was drinking and scabbing money from the principal of the school for a beer. He still did not offer me a drink. He did not offer to share or offer the food at the table to me, although he took it for himself. His self-centred behaviour was still in evidence. I offered to take him to the train station since it was on my way. I was so proud of myself. On the way to the train station, I had occasion to the opportunity to give non-emotional feedback as to his unacceptable behaviour and the reason why I would not have him back. He suggested that we should be together. I told him that I had changed and that there were expectations that he would have to meet and agree to and prove over time (he is lazy and will never be able to do it ha ha). He wanted to spend time with me then and there and also come to my home. I informed him that this was not going to happen since I had caught him trying to steal my jewellery. He tried to deny it and it didn’t work! What planet is he on! Finally he asked what I was going to spend my evening doing. I explained that I was going on a date and was not available. Yes, I have been dating lots of other guys and I looked happy and joyous and free. I felt so proud to be able to drop him off at the train and leave him there. I agreed to bring his clothes that he had left at my home to dancing the following Tuesday night. He still wanted to come to my home after and I very cheekily replied that it wasn’t on offer and instead, I would come to his! He looked shocked (because I really think he is living with another source of supply; a woman who is in for a rough ride and does not know it yet). He also wanted to make love right then and there; how’s that for a lack of impulse control. I went home that night feeling proud of myself for passing the test. He did appear two Tuesday evenings later at my dancing class to get my number and to tell me that he would not be staying. I do not think he will be back somehow and since narcissists are all about winning, I think I am the one who has won. I have won in one other way as well. He has stolen things from me and damaged my property and also used my credit card details illegally. This is in the hands of the fraud squad now. Not only that, when he moved house, he left his valuable Gibson Les Paul guitar with me for safe-keeping. I have kept it as collateral, and will sell it to recover the costs of the damage he has caused and the things he has stolen. I have learned a lot; enough I hope to never become involved with a narcissist again and I am living proof that there is life after an experience with a narcissist. Another thing I am appreciating is the beauty and peace of my home which is now free of his presence and negative energy and is a wonderful healing place for me. There is hope for us all if we do the work to get free and learn to love and respect and support ourselves more than we love and support them.

  36. Shannon

    Ok HELP HELP HELP!!! I’m leaving him finally! Set in stone! Rearranged the cable, got a new job to start Monday, and even have someone coming to get me while he’s at work!! It’s been 3.5 years of idealization, devaluization, abuse, abuse, abuse!!! And yes, sex with him IS a chore!!! He hounds me constantly, till I give in, n he takes forever, purposely, n makes sure things are as awkward as possible…. So I don’t enjoy anything, so I’m uncomfortable or can’t breathe, ect…. Constant, unending snipes, complaints, passive aggressive digs, demands and accusations, then guilt trip after guilt trip. But I’m about to leave and he doesn’t know, but he’s all of a sudden being nice, loving and somewhat emotionally supportive, and I’m doubting myself and if this is the right thing to do!!!! I end up with anxiety attacks and guilt knotting upy stomach!!!! Help!!!! I know I’m doing the right thing and I know if I stay he will revert back to being a monster n continually get worse, but I’m freaking out!!!!

    • Suzanne

      Keep going. They always know when you are planning to leave; it’s energetic knowledge. Sometimes, when you waver, it is good to have a journal that tells about all the awful things that happened over the course of the time you were together. Whenever I used to doubt how bad it was, I just took out my journal and reminded myself. Interestingly, some months on, when I have flashbacks, they are awful and I cannot remember many positive memories, only the horrible ones. When I do a reality check and imagine him being in my home again, I get chills down my spine and they are not nice chills. Once you leave and have begun to deal with the peptide addiction and start to heal, you will wonder why you allowed this relationship to go on so long. If you can afford to do some energy work such as kinesiology, to root out all the deep-seated patterns that enabled you to get hooked into this man at the beginning, you will heal all the faster. Sometimes it takes a bit of to-ing and fro-ing with you leaving and coming back before you will begin to realise that every time you start to heal and he comes back into your life, you will begin the grief cycle all over again. After a couple of these times, I could feel how traumatic it was for me and knew that I did not want to go through this enormous grief that occurred every time I allowed him back in. Just remember, you are not loved by him, he does not have the capacity to truly love you or be there for you emotionally in the way that you need. All you are to him is a source of narcissistic supply whose only purpose is to meet his needs and to devalue you and discard you when you are sucked dry and of no use for him to gain supply from any longer. So, stay strong, get some support and run for your life as far away as you possibly can.

  37. Shannon

    Suzanne, thank you soooooo much!!! I need to read my journal, you’re right!! It’s stockholme syndrome, isn’t it? For 3.5 years, I’ve put my wants, desires and needs on the back burner so his whims and needs could be prominent…every waking thought has been conditioned to feature him, and any failure to do so, or not meet his needs is considered a betrayal… And that’s why I feel like I am abandoning him… Because I’ve been trained to do so… And he is highly perceptive, so he’s probably picked up subtle signs that I’m out the door, hence the tactic change, right? And i shouldnt believe that its the meds, right? Cos no matter how much Xanax he was taking and how soon he gets off it, it doesn’t change the fact that he has a personality disorder…. Xanax doesnt create personality disorders!! and hes an arsehole even when he takes his xanax anyway!!!! I know this! So, it’s the conditioning and peptide addiction. I can beat this!!! Suzanne, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Suzanne

      You are most welcome Shannon. Just know that as you take on the task of healing the deep core wounds inside you that permitted you to get involved with this man in the first place, it is the only way to heal so you never attract such a person again. The healing needs to be energetic in nature. The focus needs to be totally on you and your healing and there needs to be a deep commitment to healing on your part if you are to fully heal. As co-dependent people we have not fully valued ourselves and have extremely poor boundaries until we root out all those deeply held patterns and release them. If you can learn to live in your integrity and commit to heal, you will become more fully who you are. The Narcissist has no ability to love anyone and all you are to this person is a source of supply. If he acts as if he loves you, it is manipulative and not real, but he will do it to get what he wants. If you are angry with him, then he likes that too because it serves his need for supply, either negative or positive. The best thing you can do is to run as far away as you can and go NO CONTACT! No Contact means exactly that; no phone contact, email contact, instant msging, and if he turns up at your door crying and pleading, do not open the door to him. If you have gone No Contact and re-instate contact in a weak moment, you will continue to go through the grief cycle over and over again until you realise that any contact with this person is going to result in grief every time. Most of us have gone back until we learn to go No Contact and mean it. When you feel longing for him or you start to think of him in a posiive light, that is just the peptide addiction talking. Read your journal and then you will see your words and remember just how bad it really was. The Narcissist has no interest in becoming aware and changing and will end up in life in a very bad way. So, do continue with your plan to leave and begin a new start. However, if you leave it there and do not engage in some form of energetic healing, you are still going to be an energetic match for the narcissist and will continue to attract them into your life. All the best for your journey.

  38. Shannon

    Suzanne, you are a God-send, and I am so very appreciative!! You’ve hit the nail directly on the head. I’m pretty certain that my mother has at least one personality disorder, and I was the scapegoat/golden child/ primary caretaker of her, and my siblings from a very young age. I have no doubts that a lot of bad wiring in my psyche stems from that upbringing. I, too have next to no boundaries and have a very hard time with placing my needs above the needs of others. It seems everyone else comes first in my life while my wants and needs fade into the background. I know that needs to change before my life can change for the better. The move is 2 days away and this week is the nicest he has been to me in a solid year! He doesn’t know, so it’s got to be the energy knowledge. It makes me feel like I’m about to abandon him, as he says that he’s weening off the Xanax slowly, and the lower amounts are why he’s becoming kinder, but he does little things which give him away…. Like last week when he started screaming, accusing and berating me because I bought myself lunch at work, then called his dad and continued to berate me and demand that I buy him dinner with his dad on the phone to hear…. Yesterday he picks me up from work, (rare outside of paydays) and was all sweetness and light, but slyly asked where the restaurant I went to lunch last week was in relation to my work (short walking distance)….. That let me know that the monster is still there, just beneath the surface. I’m going to miss him dreadfully, but it makes no sense as to why, outside of stockholme syndrome. I guess those are the peptides talking. I’ve learned in life that the shortest way past something hard is straight through it, and apparently this proves no exception. But I can’t thank you enough for your help and support! People like you give me hope for the future!! :)

    • Suzanne

      You are most welcome Shannon. Believe me when I say that the monster is lurking underneath the charm and energetically he may not know exactly what is going on with you, but he has decided to show you his more charming facade at this point. our original wounding usually comes from childhood and the narcissist comes into our life and presents us with our original wounding in blinding technicour. If you can separate the pain from him and put it in its right place by exploring its origins, then he will have given you a wonderful gift of insight into your wounds; that is his purpose in your life. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with this person. It is not possible now or ever! What might be helpful for you to know is that it is not HIM you are going to miss. re-read your journal entries and you will see that the real man is not someone you want anything to do with; in fact it is so painful that you are leaving him in 2 days time. The thing you will be missing is the death of your dreams that you projected on him and now those dreams are dashed. What needs to happen is that you have to be the one who is the lover of your soul. It is you who has to become your soulmate. It is only when you make this a reality that you have the capacity to allow a real man into your life who does have the capacity to care for you in the way we desire. It is you who has to create your own life and when you are ‘the one’ and you embody the qualities that you want to have in a partner, then so it will be. You are the one who creates your life and I am sure that when you embark on some energy work that can heal the peptide addiction that you have, then you will start to see more clearly. When the desire to be with this person becomes strong, you need to develop some helpful strategies to get you through the worst of the need to get your ‘fix’. For addicts of heroin, they need their fix and for co-dependents who are addicted to Narcissists, they also experience the need for a fix; in this case the Narcissist. That is why you need to remain No Contact because every time you get a fix, the addiction just keeps going and is untreated. Narcissistic abuse is a really harmful addiction that can kill. It will take a lot of courage for you to go through these next vulnerable months. However the alternative is not pretty. There are only 4 ways that a relationship with a Narcissist can end up. The best scenario is that you get sick of the Narcissist and realise how damaging the contact is, and leave before you are discarded and dismantled. The next best scenario is that he discards you and disappears. The next scenario is that you will get a really serious illness that has been triggered by excessive stress and which manifests into a nasty life-threatening illness such as cancer. The final scenario is that you will stay far too long and end up with no sense of self, no ability to have any kind of nourishing and productive life and you will be an empty shell. It is at this point that many people who are addicted to Narcissists, commit suicide. They are destroyed and demolished humans with no hope and no self-esteem. I am sure that you want to have a great life and you are the one who is doing the leaving. So stay strong, leave and never go back. The Narcissist will never have anything other than misery to offer you. Surely you deserve better and can create a much better life for yourself.

  39. coping

    I broke up with my compulsive liar NC about 3 weeks ago.he lied took took more than he gave. It was his way or no way. We lived together and he would leave and go out of town with out telling/ asking me. We were together 4 years on and off. 4 years on and exciting yet stomach wrenching rollercoaster ride. He hit me, lied to me, controlled me, rapped me, loved to see Me In tears. He could care less about my feelings and pain, because he was emotionally empty him self. His mom died and he really didn’t shed a tear, but she was sick for many years, so it wasn’t a red flag. Then within that year his sister died, and he wa cold and emotionless. She died in a sudden car accident. I crid enugh foh of us, and I didn’t even know her, or his mom. And I was dating himfor years. Ive done too much for this NC man, with no appreciation at all. Ive always helped him in times of NEED, and at the end this 4 year ride, I was left pregnant with twins, and broke. I left the relationh

  40. coping

    Continued… I left the relationship, 3 weeks ago and terminated the pregnancy. And now I feel. Empty and hopeless. He wants nothing to do with me, because I left About a week ago, I went to his job and broke down and cried, and for his forgiveness. It didnt move him at all, and he said have a good life, and that he is done. But yet he owes me over $3ooo . He’s doing better without me. I’m cuused, crushed. And need to keep the no contact going. This blog has really helped me in my recovery.

    • Suzanne

      This relationship is not about love, since all the actions of this man are anything but loving. He sounds wounded, has not dealt with his family of origin issues and does not know how to relate in a way that is reciprocal or nurturing of either himself or you. You mention that he had no reaction or grief response when people close to him have died. It appears that he is very out of touch with his feeling self.

      Perhaps it is time that all the good and nourishing things that you gave to him, you begin to give to you. A relationship with a narcissist is a journey into self-love. You have shown by this post that you do not love yourself and have allowed him to violate every boundary that you have and allowed him to abuse you. If you had good boundaries and loved yourself, you would not have allowed him to behave in this way around you.

      You loaned him money which he probably has no intention of returning to you, he has quickly moved on, he does not care about the loss of your beginning baby or the impact of his behaviour on you. He is a compulsive liar so is impossible to trust and everything has to be his way or no way. He has physically abused you too and disrespected your boundaries by violating you sexually.

      There is only one way to heal from narcissistic abuse and that is energetically, by using kinesiology or Quanta Freedom Healing, or some other form of energy release work. You have unhealed core wounds and this is what attracted you to the narcissist in the first place. All this man has done is show you where you are wounded and need to heal.

      If you do not commit to yourself and begin to look at the deep core wounds that allowed you to get involved and stay with this man for 4 years, then you will attract another Narcissist and go through this all over again until you decide to heal and then you will not attract another man like him again. You either remain a victim of the abuse and talk in these terms, or start to care for yourself and give to yourself all the care and attention that you lavished on him. Surely you have been wounded enough and it is time to nurture you and learn to set good boundaries.

      I feel for you and understand how very painful it is when you are involved with a narcissist. The feeling of love is really an addiction and I am sure that you are in a lot of pain and confusion right now. Please do yourself a favour and commit to your healing so that you can have a really happy and good life free from chaos and drama that is always present when living life with a narcissist.

  41. heather mcdougall

    Angelic in public, demonic at home. Lovely Dr. Jekkyl in public, terrifying twisted Mr. Hyde at home. Mine did ‘train wreck’ and ran out of the house . He lied to the police (they quickly discovered his lying allegations) He lied to social services (they realised he was a nutter and a liar) So the good nerws is that these toxic people, depite their apparent smooth act, get caught out when in uncontrollable narcissistic rage mode.
    Get that toxic partner out and make them stay out! Happiness , love and laughter will come back into your life and that black cloud you’ve lived under will be blown away.

  42. Victoria

    Wow…I am so happy I found this website. So many of your stories are nearly identical to mine. Textbook. Crazy. Maddening.

    I met my N on an online dating website. So handsome, fit, tall, and a brilliant psychiatrist…I thought I had finally found my man. He came on so strong. I think he told me that he loved me on our third date. Red roses…the works. He said that he had been looking his whole life for me. Cupping my face with his hands, he made emotional and tearful proclamations of love to me and how we would be together forever. We were inseparable. He would often make weirdly vain comments like he felt even more handsome with me on his arm, he always pointed out that people would stare at us. He didn’t really have any friends, but he would show our photos to his employees in in his office and then tell me how they would oooh and ahhh about how good looking a couple we were. He often would remind me of his brilliant mind and talk about how hard he works out to get his six pack abs. TEXTBOOK N.

    Then, two months into it, the criticisms began. He would pick on the weirdest little things at first. I’m a really outgoing person, and an animal lover. We once got into an argument because he didn’t like that I would want to pet a]somene’s cute dog that I’d see on the street. WTF? He would couch everything in “I’m just sharing with you these things you do that make me anxious.” I tried to modify my behavior to help mitigate his anxiety. Then he would do things that showed utter lack of empathy for me. If I were late meeting him, he would flip out. But he often kept me waiting with really little or no remorse. Stuff like that would keep mounting. Another time we got into a fight because he was trying to control what therapist I go see for myself. (My mother died recently and I am still grieving my loss of her.) When I chose not to go the the therapist he recommended, he had a tantrum and hung up the phone on me.

    Finally, when I made it clear that I would not tolerate his childish behavior, he turned cold and dumped me over the phone. What??? He simply said “I can’t do this any more. Goodbye.” He dumped me 48 hours after we had an amazing weekend together full of “I love you” blah blah blah. So much for his undying love.

    So, the takeaway here is that I had a 3 month encounter that ended “train wreck” style. I cried my heart out. At first I really believed that I had blown it somehow. I was so addicted, and am still recovering. I have learned that the “Nice Guy Version” was not the real man. I still miss that fictional guy. Everyone thinks he will resurface at some point and mess up my healing process, so I blocked his number from being able to call me or text. And any email he sends will go into the trash. I also emailed his personal therapist (he sees a therapist 3x a week because he suffered extreme child abuse as a kid.) I asked his therapist to please dissuade him from ever contacting me again if the N brings it up to him. I don’t know if that will work, but I’m hopeful that my efforts at No Contact will succeed.

    Now that I know what all of you have experienced, I can clearly see that I, too, was hooked by a Narcissist. It’s kind of scary that he works as a psychiatrist, given his NPD. But that also explains why he was so good at manipulation. He even tried to explain to me why his lies were not really “lies” since he was “trying” to give me what I wanted. Whenever I objected to his behavior, he twisted it to be my fault.

    I dodged a bullet. I’m glad he is gone. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I miss the first version of him…the guy who never existed. :(

    • Suzanne

      We all miss the one we started out with and hope that he will come back until we start to heal and realise that he is never going to be the one who we hoped would be our real soulmate. The gift in having a relationship with a N and yes, it is a gift, is that it gives us a chance to look at our co-dependency and our childhood wounds. if we did not have those, we would not get hooked and would not get addicted with the peptides that keep us hooked. Cognitive therapies do not really work, but energy work does. Once something like kinesiology or quanta freedom healing is accessed, the healing can progress very quickly and deal with all those things that we wanted to get from the N. These are usually things that we did not get as children and which are really only possible to get from within ourselves. I am now giving myself all the love, care and attention that I was giving my ex-boyfriend and I am healing nicely after not seeing him for 4 months. No Contact is the only way to really start the healing process. I realised after I went back (got hooked in again) a couple of times that I had to start at square one again because every time I got back with him, within a couple of days, the old horrible feelings were back again and the grief cycle started all over again. Yours will probably try to make contact with you again and attempt to hoover you to see what he can get from you. That is why No Contact has to be in place. His fix is attention, so if you are No Contact and you are not available to think about him or give him any energy, eventually he will leave you alone.

  43. Marc

    Well,

    they day I decided to dump my narcissist girlfriend she 1) told me she wanted to move with me, that I was the man of her life 2) 2 weeks after she texts me to let me know she has a new boyfriend and that she is soooooo happy with him…

    Pathetic fools.

  44. Sherry

    What happens after you go “NO CONTACT” for real? It feels like this………..WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YES!! La la La la la la. Wacka wacka, skippity do0 da–skippity aye, my oh my what a wonderful day! Followed by “aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, beautiful serene peace at last” (as alex nourri puts it “theres a damn on that there BS cascade” and its permanent!) At first its hard physically as you withdraw from the chemical addiction (not too easy) but WORTH IT. The longer you’re out the better it feels. NO LONGER will you be forced to search exotic vacation destinations for clothes that make him “look good,” NO LONGER will you be used as a tool against former lovers and spouses, NO LONGER will you be judged by his devout followers who have been unknowingly used to devalue you, and NO LONGER will you be afraid to pick up the phone wondering what brand of evil unholy hell awaits you on the other end. Suddenly, you’re free off all “N” obligations. FREE to spend your money on YOU, FREE to see the beauty and sincerity of humble folk. FREE to be told you’re beautiful and sexy and special by people who want nothing from you. Youll trust again, youll date again, youll love again and it feels even BETTER than it did before the Narc because you appreciate it SO much more. DONT WAIT! Please dont wait! The switch is NO CONTACT and all you have to do is turn out the light. Like walking into the sunshine again–youll be SO glad you did!

  45. Yo

    Where do you start, I met my N online and I saw all the red signs but thought since he had issue with his mother that why he was crazy, but the more I explain his behavior to my therapist, she said I think you dealing with a N, I really didn’t know what a N was so I got on line and research, and oh my Gosh it hit him on the head, I was damn all the breakups in less than a month, the paranoid, the I own you, he an Alpha man, I have dated this man for almost a year and never met not one of his family members, he have kids he haven’t seen since we were together, how can you go that long always puzzled me, he never paid for anything, i paid for everything, he always ask me what I like but never brought me anything, I thought I was helping this person but he was only using me. I had to drive everywhere we go he claim when we first me the lost his license and he needed to get his birth cert. from home state of SC, but that was a lie, he never told me the truth but I think he had a DUI, he drink so much when we first meet, it took him 3 month to let me know where he stayed and he claimed it was his house but it not it his sister house, just lies all the time he was so nice at first and he change he be somad and hateful in his text and ask me if I coming to pick him to come my house so he can drink and eat, but now we are not together and don’t even care, I gone 6 days trying to do the NC but I fell short and text him and call him out, he told me he had move now so should I, I was so hurt, that i broke down and gave him exactly what he want, I was like miss you and love you and will be a better person to you, I feel like a damn fool to give this person so much power over my life, please help any comments will be accepted

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